Editing Your Comment Spam for Optimal Porn Delivery

So the other day I was going through some of my old articles, laughing and clapping as I read aloud some of my own writing. "Marvelous," I was heard to exclaim. "Classic Bucholz, this one," I'd add, offering a wink to my reflection in a mirror that I'd set up specifically for that purpose. Reaching the end of one of my more stunning pieces, I noticed that the scroll bar on the right of the screen hadn't descended all the way to the bottom of the screen. Investigating further I was surprised to find that in the days and months since I'd posted it people had been offering their opinions on the piece. A quick phone call to my editor (who was very busy, and did not have time for my nonsense) confirmed that this has been going on for the past four years. I was, for lack of a better word, cromfozzled by this news.

Curious, I began paging through these fan-created appendices. I was pleased to see that the majority of these "commenters" were taking time to applaud my virtuosity and showmanship. On the other hand, a sizable minority of my fans used their time to explain in plain terms exactly how much I sucked, and begged management to fire me. Although less happy with this response, I did admire their moxie. My favorite of the comments were actually the ones written by people who didn't seem to understand they had wandered on to a comedy site. I enjoyed imagining these people traveling through life, shaking in bewilderment at anything more complicated than a soap commercial. "Ha ha ha ha ha," I laughed, tossing another wink my way.

Most saddening to me were the flimflam men, peddling their shady wares in the midst of the honest people celebrating and condemning me. It wasn't the content of these spam comments that bothered me; I have no beef with capitalism and the necessary act of defrauding cretins that it requires to function. No, it was the delivery that bugged me. If I'm going to go to all this effort to amaze/gravely irritate people, I'll be damned if I'm going to let some amateur balls up my comments section with their hastily written endorsements for meeting tall women.

Below I've selected some of the worst offenders, and present them to you, along with suggestions for improvement, confident that any spammers reading will heed my words, and raise the elevation of their discourse.

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Okely Sunglass

See, this is what I'm talking about. This looks like it was written by a moron who was being run over by a dumptruck full of broken keyboards. Everything about this screams "spam," and when the eyes see it, they immediately slide right past. Which is a shame, because these are good prices. I should know; all Cracked writers were paid in Louis Vuitton handbags for a spell back in '08. Here's how I'd rewrite this, making it blend in and seem more natural, while at the same time making the product more appealing to the Cracked reader:

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Immortal Women?

The name of this site actually makes it sound like a dating service for meeting immortal Highlanders, which would be pretty cool, but it turns out to be yet another MILF site, which although important, is less cool. Still some major problems with it though. The mispunctuating of the URL is I guess necessary to get around our spam filters, although I have no explanation for all those commas. Perhaps, older women like, extra commas,? Anyways, here's how I'd rewrite it to appeal to the Cracked audience.

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Stay on Topic!

This one seemed unexplainable to me until I discovered that we changed our comment system a while back. Previously, commenters were allowed to include a link in their user name, and we got a lot of comments like this where someone was offering almost sane advice as a veil for a link to their Gucci Transvestite gangbang site. I guess it was some sort of search engine optimization technique, intended to make their horrible, horrible site look more popular by scattering links to it around the Internet. A technique rendered useless, I should note, by Google's long-standing policy of ignoring everything Cracked links to.

As far as offering a comment which blends in, the notion of "adding value" to a Cracked column is a bit suspicious. Most of our commenters, well meaning though they are, lack the lifetime of bad decision making necessary for crafting comedic content. Asking them to add value to an article or column is unrealistic. No, if you wanted to link your site in your username (you can't now bitches) and post a comment that blends in, it wouldn't take much work to realize that this is the best answer:

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They have orgasms now?

This is easily one of my favorite comments ever. "There are probably other resources worth checking out" has just won the first ever Cracked Achievement in Distinguishment Award for being the Truest Statement Ever. There is nothing to improve upon here folks.

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Who wants a hummer from Scrooge McDuck?

And here we have an early contender for The Least Truest Statement Ever. I don't dare check out that link, but I can guarantee you that no one with any means has been or ever will be to that site. People with money are in Nice or Antibes, talking to Italian thong models. They have little time to spend getting infected with ActiveX viruses on shady websites. You will never make an ad for this site believable or plausible. Instead, try this:

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High Center of Gravity

These are some of the more legendary comments around Cracked. This particular example has a nice little narrative in it which I like; that of the guy who really wants to make out with one hot chick, and despite past failures, he still seems to be in high spirits. Still, this comment really had nothing to do with the article it was posted too, and as it was written by someone who doesn't know that LOL now means "I am a moron" I can't imagine it was too effective. If I was trying to get people to visit my tall woman emporium/credit card den of thieves, then I'd try something like:

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