Economic Meltdown: What Can YOU Do?
If you're like me, and like to keep abreast of developments in the world of markets and finance, then you probably know that the world economy is headed into the toilet faster than Kate Moss after a breakfast buffet, and we may soon be in for a depression so great it'll make Heath Ledger look like Richard Simmons.
Sure, you're thinking, sucks to be us, but what can an 18-to-34 year-old unemployed couch-dwelling male such as myself do to help? Well, I'm glad you asked, my freeloading friend, because the Cracked Economic Forum has just the suggestions to help you help the United States and its global subsidiaries get back to kicking monetary ass with extreme prejudice. Let's begin!
Get your own affairs in order. This is beneficial because a) you can make smarter buying decisions, such as purchasing an awesome Wii at only an 80% markup, instead of a suckass Playstation that was probably built by gay Communists; b) having any affairs whatsoever would be awesome because before you can have affairs you have to be dating someone; and c) you've got six months to live.
Create a budget and stick to it: One of the most difficult things for ordinary non-rich people to do is to give themselves a set budget. One way to do this is to arrange to have pre-set spending limits on your credit cards, gas cards, and prostitutes.
Save, save, save: It's a little-known fact that in order to save money, you have to not spend it. So try cutting down on frivolous purchases like gold-plated jock-straps, silk cat-box liners, and soap.
Invest, invest, invest: With all that money you'll save by denying yourself the things that make life worth living, you can do the economy a favor by investing in well-chosen stocks and bonds. For example, experts believe that shares of Cracked.com are poised to skyrocket, and are currently a bargain at $0.65 a dozen, or half of that pizza you've got in the fridge.
Spend, spend, spend: That's right, forget all that crap about saving, because to get money, you've got to spend money. So get out there and stimulate our retail sector by dropping your hard-earned dough on fine purchases like a new hybrid car that runs on part gasoline and part coal, a new premptive war, or a lovely new pair of breasts for your girlfriend or mother.
I hope these suggestions will be helpful to you over the coming years of hardship and terror; if not, might I suggest you get back to work mounting those machine guns on your Civic? Those subhuman gangs of murderous road scavengers aren't going to blow away themselves.
There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points .
ReplyVery nice. Thanks for this.
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ReplyGreat site and nice article really like what its talking about, I will be linking back to your site from mine.
ReplyI actually like English folk, and am one of the are people who never judges on race or nationality, so don't act like a pissy little wanker just because we exist.
ReplyThat just makes you a horrible pathetic excuse for a human being, especially as you're obviously a dumb waste of space, posting on a comedy site.
Yeah whatever, hey, how does it feel having a Scottish Prime Minister?
ReplyDickhead.
And don't give me that bullshit about top-up fees. If anything it forced wanker English students who come up here and take up Uni spaces for Scottish students.
"By the way, I don’t hate English people, just the types who hang around Parliament."
ReplyYeah. And I hate those Scottish fucktards who are the only reason top-up fees were introduced to make life just so much harder for English students. I would welcome independence, because it would mean one important thing: Scottish MPs would not be to vote on English only issues and turd up the system.
The Australian ten dollar note has a picture of Richard Gere in drag.
Reply"I also made up lolcatz"
ReplyAnd that Mr. Gore is one the plethora of reasons why you're not president today.
you got a problem with gay communists?
ReplyI made this internet just so Ian could post this and I could get first post AND start a flame pile. FTW!!1!
ReplyI also made up lolcatz
Al Gore's a fucking tool. The coolest thing he ever did was guest star on Futurama.
ReplyThat would have never happened if not for the fact that one of his daughters wrote for the show.
@ Capt. Ross, keep the rank easier to tell who you are, as opposed to all the poser Ross's
around here.
Gladstone said:
Reply> you probably think Al Gore once claimed to have invented the internet given how often
> that joke is made in the States. He didn’t.
He did ride the mighty moon-worm, though, right?
Wallsy.
I revert to my original name to avoid sus**cion of being a post-whore.
ReplyWollinsky be damned!
Sounds like somebody's shitting his pants with rage, but it ain't Gladstone.
ReplyYep, based in a submarine dock not too far from Glasgow.
ReplyThere's a permanent hippy camp outside it that's been there since I was 5.
Shut the fuck up about your stupid politics, Gladstone. Jesus, someone makes a tired old joke about a tired old man and you shit your pants with rage. Pathetic. Go jerk off over your shirtless picture of Dennis Kucinich.
ReplyCaptain Ross: Aren't all of the UK's nukes in Scotland? Independence would instantly make Scotland a nuclear power. Edward I would be spinning in his grave.
*shuts up now*
ReplyActually our money features vaguely effeminate men in wigs. And a man who appears to be Robert Burns' gay cousin.
ReplyFor some reason, we put heads of banks on our money, rather than heads of state.
Tell that to the old lady on your money.
Reply