Dreamgirls

If you’re an 18 to 34-year-old male like me (and if our advertisers ask, you definitely are), you’ve most likely gone through periods in your life convinced that all the good women are taken, and that the rest of your life will be a long, slow succession of painful rejections, unsatisfying lap-dances, hung-over regrets over the unreliability of beer goggles, and lonely nights at home with the ladies of Vivid Video (who while attractive and friendly, may not actually like you for you).

But wait—take your head out of that oven, for I bring you news of a great joy for all people: there are still excellent women to be found:

An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday. Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined 1,000 dollars (900 US dollars) after pleading guilty to two breaches of the Liquor Control Act. Another barmaid who helped hang spoons on De Faveri’s nipples was fined 500 dollars while the bar manager was fined 1,000 dollars for failing to stop the pair.

So two brave souls dare to show that girls—how should I put this—just want to have fun, and how are they rewarded? Fines and public embarrassment. Australia, I’m sorry, but the global goodwill you generated with Crocodile Dundee may have just evaporated.

But I know what you’re thinking: sure, there are perfect girls with beer-crushing breasts halfway around the world, but what about here in the Good Ol’ U. S. of A.? Is there any woman here who can replenish our faith in the fairer sex? Yes, there is:

Tiffany Sutton, 24, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault… after she repeatedly stabbed her lover during an alcohol- and drug-fueled sexual tryst. According to police, the victim agreed to be tied up during sex but became alarmed and asked to be untied when Sutton pulled out a knife and said she liked to drink blood. … When he escaped, she chased him with a pickax. … prison records show Sutton thought she was a vampire for the first several weeks she was in jail.

… I know, it’s great that your ex has been able to move on and see new people, isn’t it? She really has gotten back on her feet.

But in case you fear that all single girls out there think they’re vampires and want to drink your blood, you can take comfort in the fact that a short look at Craigslist turned up:

• a girl who thinks she’s a werewolf and wants to urinate on your leg;
• a girl who thinks she’s Dr. Frankenstein and wants to hook electrical clamps to your nipples;
• a girl who thinks she’s Dick Cheney and wants to hook electrical clamps to your nipples; and
• a girl who thinks she likes you and wants to talk about your feelings.

On second thought, maybe you should stick with porn.

Last 5 posts by Ian Cooper

• Ian's Unnecessary Farewell Post Roundup - January 31st, 2008
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