Cracked Columnists

Dr. Pepper, Axl Rose and a Completely Unrelated Video: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

A Couple Of Things

I spend a lot of time thinking about time machines. More specifically, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to go back in time and witness firsthand if I had one. A bear-baiting event, Zeppelin live at Earls Court and the Boston Molasses Disaster all used to seem like obvious first stops, but after reading this headline this morning I'm not so sure anymore:

Dr Pepper Will Give Everyone* in America a Free Soda If Axl Rose Releases New Guns N' Roses Album, Chinese Democracy, In 2008 (*Guitarists Slash and Buckethead Will Not Be Eligible For Free Soda)

Fuck bear-baiting, fuck molasses, and fuck the greatest rock concerts of the 20th century1 - I'd rather go back in time two months, hide behind a coat rack in a conference room at Dr. Pepper corporate headquarters, and listen in on what must have been the most hilariously misguided marketing department meeting of all time. According to the press release:

"It took a little patience to perfect Dr Peppers special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love, said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. So we completely understand and empathize with Axl's quest for perfection for something more than the average album. We know once it's released, people will refer to it as "Dr Pepper for the ears" because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic.

I understand the thinking behind this campaign - it's bizarre and random and just the kind of thing that those KUH-RAZY interweb bloggers love to repost and give free viral buzz (case in point) - but it's too bad that whoever came up with this one doesn't read the Cracked blog; we broke the Chinese Democracy story back in November, and if they'd been reading us back then, they'd know that Chinese Democracy is already slated for release in 2008. I'd be completely shocked if the thing actually came out, of course, but still - how awesome would it be if it actually came out and Dr. Pepper owed everyone in America a soda (except Slash and Buckethead)? With a current population of 300 million, assuming each can of soda costs Dr. Pepper one penny, that means this publicity stunt could end up costing them $3 million (or $2,999,999.98 if you subtract Slash and Buckethead). I can't wait to see how this turns out. Like I literally can't wait. Fuck - does anyone have a time machine?

Oh - and here's a video of a midget sliding on his face.

1 Warning: Do not actually fuck any of these things.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Ross Wolinsky

  • Rss

More by Ross Wolinsky:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

25 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!