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Lately, thereís been a lot of questions about Jessica Simpsonís weight gain. Questions like: Is she fat? How fat is she? How did she get so fat? And, wait, who's Jessica Simpson again?† Well, you might remember her as the once svelte singer and actress whose songs you don't own and whose movies you havenít seen. But more likely, you remember Jessica Simpson only as that naughty, barely legal piece of eye candy you could convince to have sex with you by promising a brand new unicorn and/or Travis Tritt tickets. Well, times have changed and now everyoneís talking about the new Jessica:

Yeah, but donít feel too bad. True, she may have been called fat by many different people, but hordes of utterly unimportant celebrities have also rallied to Jessicaís defense and castigated the media for this name-calling. Over and over they plead their case: "Leave Jessica alone! What kind of message is this sending to young girls everywhere?Ē Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to answer that question: Itís sending a wonderful message! Are you listening young ladies? The lesson is clear and true:

WHATEVER YOU DO, DONíT BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!

Do you want to be ridiculed? Do you want to be unloved? Do you want to be mocked on the cover of national magazines? Perhaps, even by the President? Then I urge you:

DONíT BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!

Oh, but before anyone gets too uppity, I should clarify: Iím not telling you never to gain 10 or 15 pounds. Iím not saying that only skinny women deserve love. No no no. That misses the point. Iím saying donít be like Jessica Simpson. You know, donít be a no-talent shell of a celebrity with absolutely nothing going for you aside from your kicking body. Because guess what? Once that body goes, and it will go (as surely as Jessica goes for the last remaining Twinkie in her Costco-sized package of Hostess treats), youíll be nothing. The whole reason itís wrong to define women by their appearance is because it unfairly overlooks all their more important talents, qualities and achievements. But in the case of Jessica Simpson, Iím just not sure what those are. Wasnít her only talent the ability to unite 14-year-old boys and dirty old men in a mutual interest? Am I missing something? Calling Jessica Simpson tubby does not unfairly obscure our appreciation of her musical talents. I mean, I hear sheís opening up for Rascal Flatts next week (yeah, I donít know what that is, either). And if she were a better actress, we probably wouldnít notice her difficulty in creating a waist even with two leopard print belts working overtime. But her former ability to wear Daisy Duke shorts is just not the stuff Oscars are made of.

Do you understand, girls? No one is saying that chubby women are worthless. But everyone is saying that no one cares about worthless women who used to have good bodies. And donít think this is confined to women. Do you think Keanu Reeves would still get work if he let himself go? Oh really? Whenís the last time you saw Val Kilmer in a summer blockbuster? So the key here is donít be useless. And set your sights higher than Jessica Simpson. Emulate women who have, you know, done something. And the great thing is, if you do that, you wonít have to worry about your dress size. And you wonít have to run to your MySpace page crying about the mean things blogging scum like me have said about you.

So listen up, ladies; next time you want to supersize your value meal, first ask yourself this question: ďAm I an uneducated, no talent, individual whose future livelihood depends solely on my appearance because I have absolutely no other redeeming characteristics?Ē If not, congratulations. Youíve probably read a book. Keep it up. But if the answer to that question is ďyes,Ē then just know youíre running the risk of losing your only asset and being laughed at by an entire nation. At least for a few minutes until we forget about you completely.
Find out more about Gladstone, including his coveted Facebook address at Kafka Lives In Maine.
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