Cracked Columnists

Don't Be Like Jessica Simpson: A Lesson For Young Girls Everywhere

Lately, theres been a lot of questions about Jessica Simpsons weight gain. Questions like: Is she fat? How fat is she? How did she get so fat? And, wait, who's Jessica Simpson again? Well, you might remember her as the once svelte singer and actress whose songs you don't own and whose movies you havent seen. But more likely, you remember Jessica Simpson only as that naughty, barely legal piece of eye candy you could convince to have sex with you by promising a brand new unicorn and/or Travis Tritt tickets.

Well, times have changed and now everyones talking about the new Jessica:

Yeah, but dont feel too bad. True, she may have been called fat by many different people, but hordes of utterly unimportantcelebrities have also rallied to Jessicas defense and castigated the media for this name-calling. Over and over they plead their case: "Leave Jessica alone! What kind of message is this sending to young girls everywhere?

Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to answer that question: Its sending a wonderful message! Are you listening young ladies? The lesson is clear and true:


Do you want to be ridiculed? Do you want to be unloved? Do you want to be mocked on the cover of national magazines? Perhaps, even by the President? Then I urge you:


Oh, but before anyone gets too uppity, I should clarify: Im not telling you never to gain 10 or 15 pounds. Im not saying that only skinny women deserve love. No no no. That misses the point. Im saying dont be like Jessica Simpson. You know, dont be a no-talent shell of a celebrity with absolutely nothing going for you aside from your kicking body. Because guess what? Once that body goes, and it will go (as surely as Jessica goes for the last remaining Twinkie in her Costco-sized package of Hostess treats), youll be nothing.

The whole reason its wrong to define women by their appearance is because it unfairly overlooks all their more important talents, qualities and achievements. But in the case of Jessica Simpson, Im just not sure what those are. Wasnt her only talent the ability to unite 14-year-old boys and dirty old men in a mutual interest? Am I missing something?

Calling Jessica Simpson tubby does not unfairly obscure our appreciation of her musical talents. I mean, I hear shes opening up for Rascal Flatts next week (yeah, I dont know what that is, either). And if she were a better actress, we probably wouldnt notice her difficulty in creating a waist even with two leopard print belts working overtime. But her former ability to wear Daisy Duke shorts is just not the stuff Oscars are made of.

Do you understand, girls? No one is saying that chubby women are worthless. But everyone is saying that no one cares about worthless women who used to have good bodies. And dont think this is confined to women. Do you think Keanu Reeves would still get work if he let himself go? Oh really? Whens the last time you saw Val Kilmer in a summer blockbuster? So the key here is dont be useless. And set your sights higher than Jessica Simpson. Emulate women who have, you know, done something. And the great thing is, if you do that, you wont have to worry about your dress size. And you wont have to run to your MySpace page crying about the mean things blogging scum like me have said about you.

So listen up, ladies; next time you want to supersize your value meal, first ask yourself this question: Am I an uneducated, no talent, individual whose future livelihood depends solely on my appearance because I have absolutely no other redeeming characteristics? If not, congratulations. Youve probably read a book. Keep it up. But if the answer to that question is yes, then just know youre running the risk of losing your only asset and being laughed at by an entire nation. At least for a few minutes until we forget about you completely.

Find out more about Gladstone, including his coveted Facebook address at Kafka Lives In Maine.

Recommended For Your Pleasure


  • Rss

More by Gladstone:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!