Don't Be Like Jessica Simpson: A Lesson For Young Girls Everywhere
Lately, theres been a lot of questions about Jessica Simpsons weight gain. Questions like: Is she fat? How fat is she? How did she get so fat? And, wait, who's Jessica Simpson again? Well, you might remember her as the once svelte singer and actress whose songs you don't own and whose movies you havent seen. But more likely, you remember Jessica Simpson only as that naughty, barely legal piece of eye candy you could convince to have sex with you by promising a brand new unicorn and/or Travis Tritt tickets.
Well, times have changed and now everyones talking about the new Jessica:
Yeah, but dont feel too bad. True, she may have been called fat by many different people, but hordes of utterly unimportantcelebrities have also rallied to Jessicas defense and castigated the media for this name-calling. Over and over they plead their case: "Leave Jessica alone! What kind of message is this sending to young girls everywhere?
Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to answer that question: Its sending a wonderful message! Are you listening young ladies? The lesson is clear and true:
WHATEVER YOU DO, DONT BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!
Do you want to be ridiculed? Do you want to be unloved? Do you want to be mocked on the cover of national magazines? Perhaps, even by the President? Then I urge you:
DONT BE LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON!
Oh, but before anyone gets too uppity, I should clarify: Im not telling you never to gain 10 or 15 pounds. Im not saying that only skinny women deserve love. No no no. That misses the point. Im saying dont be like Jessica Simpson. You know, dont be a no-talent shell of a celebrity with absolutely nothing going for you aside from your kicking body. Because guess what? Once that body goes, and it will go (as surely as Jessica goes for the last remaining Twinkie in her Costco-sized package of Hostess treats), youll be nothing.
The whole reason its wrong to define women by their appearance is because it unfairly overlooks all their more important talents, qualities and achievements. But in the case of Jessica Simpson, Im just not sure what those are. Wasnt her only talent the ability to unite 14-year-old boys and dirty old men in a mutual interest? Am I missing something?
Calling Jessica Simpson tubby does not unfairly obscure our appreciation of her musical talents. I mean, I hear shes opening up for Rascal Flatts next week (yeah, I dont know what that is, either). And if she were a better actress, we probably wouldnt notice her difficulty in creating a waist even with two leopard print belts working overtime. But her former ability to wear Daisy Duke shorts is just not the stuff Oscars are made of.
Do you understand, girls? No one is saying that chubby women are worthless. But everyone is saying that no one cares about worthless women who used to have good bodies. And dont think this is confined to women. Do you think Keanu Reeves would still get work if he let himself go? Oh really? Whens the last time you saw Val Kilmer in a summer blockbuster? So the key here is dont be useless. And set your sights higher than Jessica Simpson. Emulate women who have, you know, done something. And the great thing is, if you do that, you wont have to worry about your dress size. And you wont have to run to your MySpace page crying about the mean things blogging scum like me have said about you.
So listen up, ladies; next time you want to supersize your value meal, first ask yourself this question: Am I an uneducated, no talent, individual whose future livelihood depends solely on my appearance because I have absolutely no other redeeming characteristics? If not, congratulations. Youve probably read a book. Keep it up. But if the answer to that question is yes, then just know youre running the risk of losing your only asset and being laughed at by an entire nation. At least for a few minutes until we forget about you completely.
Find out more about Gladstone, including his coveted Facebook address at Kafka Lives In Maine.
30 million records sold, and her clothing line projected to reach $1 Billion in annual sales. Sorry, Jessie, Gladstone has deemed you worthless because you gained 20 lbs.
ReplySee, this is why we need more Jessica Ennis' in the world.
ReplyNot that it stopped her from getting famous, but Barbara Streisand got/gets near constant comments about her looks... I get your point, but it does seem like even talented ladies get a lot of crap about this stuff. Not that guys don't.
ReplyIf JS counts as "fat"...fuck, she just looks average at worst.
ReplyJust to nitpick on a two year old article; Jessica Simpson isn't totally useless. In fact she's at the head of a successful, billion dollar fashion empire aimed at middle-class women. She can sing (and in all sincerity is better than her old peers Britney and Christina), but it's obvious the window of opportunity for her to continue her role as a songstress has passed its used by date.
ReplyOther than that, I agree with this article 110% :P
awesome. thank you.
ReplyWhile I don't think JS is particularly 'chubby' now, rather particularly skinny before, I completely agree with this article.
ReplyI am a particularly skinny budding singer/songwriter myself, and nothing annoys me more than people simply commenting on my appearance. Yes, I know what I look like. I posted these songs on the internet to hear an opinion of them, not of what I see in the mirror and can form my own opinion of, which is far more important than anyone else's anyway..
I would prefer to hear 'your music is crap' than 'this is what i think of what you look like' whether good or bad.
Thankyou for your brutally truthful opinion, as always it is appreciated.
unfortunately if you wanted to be judged only on music you'll have to either:
- not have a video with you in the scene
- filter out the 'omg ur a girl on the enternat show tits' comments.
:(
You have to be fairly popular before the *OMG* status starts applying.
Definately one of Gladstones better articles.
ReplyI love that there's an ad for binge-eating rehab at the end of this!
ReplyWell said Gladstone. Well said.
ReplyThis is a true article. Women who base their success on physical appearance will sadly disappointed when nature runs its course. It's a sad, but true detail of life. It will be the case with Paris Hilton and that Kardashian girl, as well. We need to raise our young ladies to appreciate themselves for skills and talents and focus less on what we look like. As long as we're healthy, what's the problem.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes, all three of these women will be completely and utterly crushed when their bodies get used up and they have to fade into obscurity with their millions and millions of dollars.
I mean, I agree with the idea and everything, but there is a reason so many hot young celebrities are hot young celebrities, and not hot young astrophysicists or surgeons.
The money's good, and they like the attention.
To keep girls from aspiring to this, you have to cut one or both of those things out of the equation. With demand so high, I don't see that happening.
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A lot of sanctimonious talk flying about here...
If you're so hot, "Gladstone" why not post a picture of what YOU look like and your wife/girlfriend? As for talentless, Simpson has a few albums out which sold rather well. What do you write except dick jokes?
Reply Hide All See All 7 Repliestalent != success
Calm down, Mary. I'm sure Gladstone's girl isn't as pretty as you! And maybe someday a boy will love you for your inner beauty.
Gladstones column used to be called hate by numbers, and he also has done several videos under that column name, and he used to do his vids with his family. They are a good looking bunch. At this point in history I believe Gladstone is way more relevant than Jessica Simpson. I check for Gladstones column every week; but I don't listen to any of Jessica Simpson's music, or care about her much. The only way Jessica Simpson is a part of my life is a few fake porn pics in my screen saver, and of course that means it's not even her body. And I have a lot of hotter women on my screen saver too.
Please, selling albums has jack s**t to do with talent, the top 40 is full of talentless soulless sc*m.
You are absolutely right Mr. Frick. She's not that fat. She's also not that talented, or smart. There's no future in nuclear medicine or aeronautics for Ms. Simpson. She might miss the limelight and decide to do some light duty in uganda here in about 20 years, but odds are that would be too much work.
If you're going to be one dimensional as a person, you've really got to work that one dimension.
Have you seriously not seen Gladstone? He's almost as hot as Seanbaby!
Yeah, Gladstone's cute. Cracked employs a lot of really darn attractive list making men children.
Well done. Well done.
ReplyJessica Simpson isn't chubby.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd, I'd bet my first born that she looks better than 75% of the commentor's girlfriends/wives. Assuming you even have one...
LOL...I love how people cast judgement on woman when I'm sure they crawl in bed with a troll every night..
...did you even read the entire article?
No, no it did not.
heh heh. i doubt it can read.. better skip the mcvalue meals.
Funny AND with a moral, kind of.
ReplyHow did the internet not implode after this article?
Excellent. For more than four decades I've been pummelled with images of beauty that have been, at times in my life, somewhat damaging to my self esteem. Jessica is the pinnacle california girl. Blonde (I am brown skinned, dark haired), white skin, perfect body, well put together face.
ReplyTyra came along to include people of my color in this beauty parade (and today there are so many more wonderful dark beauties making it out there), but when she got fat, I had no sympathy.
Heck, I'm middle aged, I get it. But don't ask for my pity when the very adoration that brought these women fame and fortune turns to ridicule when they get fat.
Let's talk instead about the chubbier actresses and singers out there who from the get go can't catch a break from their weight,despite having talent
Agreed. If a woman wants respect as a human, don't merchandise oneself as a sex symbol. This is exactly why Marilyn Monroe couldn;t be taken seriously and she had admitted this.
haha great article. I hated how everyone was talking about this nonsense. I'm glad you mentioned meryl streep..shes an amazing versatile actress who is a great role model for young women. right on!
ReplyAnd if Meryl Streep gained a few pounds, nobody would care.. because she still has talent, and presumably is capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. Jessica has no talent, and thinks Chicken of the sea tuna is really made of chicken. When a woman builds her entire persona, and career around being a beautiful idiot, then loses the beautiful part.. what is left? You do the math.
ace read, I will be back
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Reply@Shakes
ReplyI will admit you are a funny motherfucker. Laughed out loud serveral times.