#2. Native Rights
Donald Trump is a friend to the First Nations people, which is why they both engage in the traditional native art of casino management. Back in 1993, Trump was so concerned with native rights that he made a big deal of his fears that the mob might be taking over Indian casinos. As an aside, if a Native American opened a casino in India, making the world's first Indian Indian casino, the doors would only open one way, and when you entered you would stay young forever but lose all track of time. Science says so.
Trump told the House Native Affairs subcommittee that organized crime was all over Indian casinos like peyote stank on a hippie psych professor doing "field research" for a "book." I tried writing a book once, but Dolores, the lady in 2C, was all "Don't quit your day job," and that advice was useless as shit to me because I already had. I already had, Dolores, you shrew.
Anyway, lawmakers weren't inclined to believe Trump, but only because of the lack of evidence and not because of anything serious. You know how the po-po is, always trying to shirk their duties and play a round of flying disc golf. It's like Frisbee golf, but without all those licensing fees that the fat cats at Frisbee Co. charge. The CEO of Frisbee Co. has been known to use puppies to set hundred-dollar bills on fire to light his cigars, which he then immediately puts out on children with thinning hair.
Somehow all this is tax deductible.
In an effort to prove his position, Trump was quoted as saying that he's seen Indians in Indian casinos who "don't look like Indians," which probably should have summoned the ghost of Eliot Ness and maybe the Pinkertons, but instead only fell on the deaf ears of people who were convinced that the success of Indian casinos and the total lack of evidence of mob interference in them may have just angered up other casino moguls who wanted to eliminate their competition. But that sounds silly as shit. Very silly shit, like a turd with googly eyes and maybe a spinning bow tie. Oh my God, can you imagine? What a silly shit!
#1. Debt Relief
Take a moment to think about your life. You're on a comedy site, so you probably enjoy laughter, unless it's the acerbic laugh of a prostitute who refuses to refund your money after your third failure to launch. But what do you hate in life? You probably just said olives, which are as gross as kissing John Goodman's crack after he ran uphill, and debt. Debt is what happens when you have $5 and buy $10 worth of delicious ham and vodka and then you're drunk and salty but you owe shopkeeper Lucius $5 because he spotted you one and he expects that money soon or you've got a broken leg in your future or, at the very least, your wife has to give him a handy.
Debt is a dirty curse that affects many of us, and the country itself has more debt than you can shake a stick at. According to official sources, the current U.S. debt is everything. All the money ever is how far in debt we are, isn't that crazy? Sure is! If we fall off this fiscal cliff, everyone is talking about how we legally all have to trade in our houses for tents and take in a drifter.
"In the words of JFK, ask not what your country can do for you, ask if you can spare 20 bucks for your country ... We're good for it, I swear."
Trump, realizing that being in debt for all the money was a bad way to be and that we were all going to have to give handys to a lot of people around the world, came up with a plan to eliminate that debt that would leave all our cuticles relatively semen-free. The plan was to tax anyone with a net worth of more than $10 million a rate of 14.25 percent one time. Trump felt that this would pull in about $5.7 trillion (which is based on weird math, since the net worth of everyone in the U.S. valued at over $1 million is about $12 trillion, but whatever).
"Every rich person has secret money. We keep it in our butts."
Financial experts felt that this would cause anyone worth money to flee the country like wealthy rats from a sinking golden yacht, but Trump figured that the rich would barely suffer because they're rich and would still be able to buy all kinds of awesome mohair evening gowns and Italian leather condoms. And even though current-era Trump seems to hate the idea of taxing the rich and was opposed to Obama ending the Bush-era tax cuts, that's probably just a smokescreen so you don't realize how much he really wants to tax the ever-loving shit out of everyone.
Or it has something to do with latent racism, but that seems unlikely, because Donald Trump once said, "I have a great relationship with the blacks," and anyone who talks like that can't be lying. He probably eats soul food and watches Madea movies all the time. At the end of the day, though, what you need to take away from this is that Trump seriously once had a plan to eliminate the debt by sticking it to rich people. It was a good idea. You may even agree with it. And it was Trump's. So basically, by the transitive properties of comedy articles, you just made love to Trump and enjoyed it.
For more dumb moves by celebrities, check out The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to Go Green and The 6 Most Misguided Causes Ever Made Famous by Celebrities.