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Dodging Sniper Fire Is The New Not Having Sexual Relations With That Woman

As the elections grow ever nearer, I find myself forced into an awkward, uncomfortable position which I don't relish: that of being informed, often against my will, about politics.

Here I am minding my own business, innocently searching Starpulse for terms like "Madonna abortion" and "Spears fucks bear?" only to be confronted by the horrible visage of sober, reflective analysis regarding our nation's future.

Imagine my relief then, when I stumbled upon this article about Hillary Clinton lying about taking sniper fire during a visit to Bosnia. It's not only got all of the unnecesarry dramatics of a TMZ article, it focuses entirely on an irrelevant character flaw rather than any issue that will actually affect anything. Perfect blogging fodder!

So here we go: Are we really going to act shocked and angry when we find out a politician has embellished a story in order to impress everyone? Tall tales are the grist of the political machine. George Washington and the cherry tree, Hamilton and his tragic duel, McKinley's robot eye.

All are beloved political tales, all surely embellished (for example, most historians now agree that the Washington story is apocryphal, and that McKinley's eye was far less advanced than he led his cabinet to believe).

Getting pissed when a politician lies to you is like getting pissed when a grandparent dies on your birthday. It's just not their fault; it's what they do.

Still, the juicyness of it is awesome, and I guess it says something about HIllary's character. Although adding "liar" to "severe, impersonal cuckoldress" doesn't really do all that much for me.

Not that I'm against her; I think if women are allowed to vote, we might as well let them vote for another woman (what's next? Voting horses?!).

But as a blogger and source of impartial observation, I believe it's my solemn duty to have no political opinions whatsoever. It also keeps me from having to talk to anyone about their political views, which is a huge plus for me.

Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I'd eat your brain and steal your thoughts.

In the meantime, Hillary, try and stick to heroic lies that are totally unverifiable: your battles with stealthy ninja hordes, your out-of-body confrontations with Satan, your intantaneous and invisible savings of various kingdoms of gnomes.

You may not win the election, but you greatly increase the chances your life story will get optioned for film.


When not blogging for Cracked, Michael dodges sniper fire as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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Michael Swaim

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