Dodging Sniper Fire Is The New Not Having Sexual Relations With That Woman
As the elections grow ever nearer, I find myself forced into an awkward, uncomfortable position which I don't relish: that of being informed, often against my will, about politics.
Here I am minding my own business, innocently searching Starpulse for terms like "Madonna abortion" and "Spears fucks bear?" only to be confronted by the horrible visage of sober, reflective analysis regarding our nation's future.
Imagine my relief then, when I stumbled upon this article about Hillary Clinton lying about taking sniper fire during a visit to Bosnia. It's not only got all of the unnecesarry dramatics of a TMZ article, it focuses entirely on an irrelevant character flaw rather than any issue that will actually affect anything. Perfect blogging fodder!
So here we go: Are we really going to act shocked and angry when we find out a politician has embellished a story in order to impress everyone? Tall tales are the grist of the political machine. George Washington and the cherry tree, Hamilton and his tragic duel, McKinley's robot eye.
All are beloved political tales, all surely embellished (for example, most historians now agree that the Washington story is apocryphal, and that McKinley's eye was far less advanced than he led his cabinet to believe).
Getting pissed when a politician lies to you is like getting pissed when a grandparent dies on your birthday. It's just not their fault; it's what they do.
Still, the juicyness of it is awesome, and I guess it says something about HIllary's character. Although adding "liar" to "severe, impersonal cuckoldress" doesn't really do all that much for me.
Not that I'm against her; I think if women are allowed to vote, we might as well let them vote for another woman (what's next? Voting horses?!).
But as a blogger and source of impartial observation, I believe it's my solemn duty to have no political opinions whatsoever. It also keeps me from having to talk to anyone about their political views, which is a huge plus for me.
Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I'd eat your brain and steal your thoughts.
In the meantime, Hillary, try and stick to heroic lies that are totally unverifiable: your battles with stealthy ninja hordes, your out-of-body confrontations with Satan, your intantaneous and invisible savings of various kingdoms of gnomes.
You may not win the election, but you greatly increase the chances your life story will get optioned for film.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael dodges sniper fire as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
I scrolled down quickly and was actually startled by the second photo. As much as I would have been if it were a picture of one of Samara's victims from The Ring. Fucking horrifying.
ReplyHello, great website you
ReplyThe spam in the previous post, although bot-driven, is weirdly appropriate...
ReplyCase in point.
ReplyI would way rather get blown by Monica than Hilary.
ReplyYou get to choose who to vote for in elections. Here in Lithuania, we have only assholes. Although they can be separated into two categories: Russian-bought assholes and local assholes. Come to think of it, our government is a pile of assholes. And they don't look funny like Hillary.
ReplyI don't know... those photos, while unflattering, still have a certain level of dignity. I know! Can someone lolcat those pics up? That's the only thing that could make her look like more of a jackass.
ReplyShe's definitely butch enough to be Pres. Don't know about any other qualifications, though.
ReplyShe R scary!
ReplyHillary Clinton took my shoe.
ReplyHillary Clinton makes my penis not work.
ReplyCongratulations, Swaim, "Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I’d eat your brain and steal your thoughts." is now on my facebook quote board. You should feel honored to find yourself in the company of Law and Order: CI character Det. Goren and Barbara Streisand.
Reply...and get Mr. Ed to be your running mate!
Reply*Clapter erupts*
That horse vote is crucial, but easily swayed. Just say you'll outlaw glue.
ReplyLewis Black almost made his own head explode trying to understand that one.
ReplyHe also had his dick sucked ,which according to him does not constitute sexual relations or it depends on what your definition of "is" is.
ReplyNo, he simply came on her dress.
ReplyHe merely ejaculated whilest she was nearby and caught some it, therefore by that logic the sheets on the White House Presidential bed could have had sexual relations with Bill Clinton.
He should have hired me as his defense lawyer.
I think these pictures are all I need to keep my vagina away from Hilary Clinton. I can't make any promises about Bill though....
ReplyBut glendoor, he DIDN'T have sexual relations with that woman.
ReplyIs anybody really suprised that a Clinton is lying. Lying about your past is right out of the Bill Clinton playbook.
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