As the elections grow ever nearer, I find myself forced into an awkward, uncomfortable position which I don’t relish: that of being informed, often against my will, about politics.
Here I am minding my own business, innocently searching Starpulse for terms like “Madonna abortion” and “Spears fucks bear?” only to be confronted by the horrible visage of sober, reflective analysis regarding our nation’s future.
Imagine my relief then, when I stumbled upon this article about Hillary Clinton lying about taking sniper fire during a visit to Bosnia. It’s not only got all of the unnecesarry dramatics of a TMZ article, it focuses entirely on an irrelevant character flaw rather than any issue that will actually affect anything. Perfect blogging fodder!
So here we go: Are we really going to act shocked and angry when we find out a politician has embellished a story in order to impress everyone? Tall tales are the grist of the political machine. George Washington and the cherry tree, Hamilton and his tragic duel, McKinley’s robot eye.
All are beloved political tales, all surely embellished (for example, most historians now agree that the Washington story is apocryphal, and that McKinley’s eye was far less advanced than he led his cabinet to believe).
Getting pissed when a politician lies to you is like getting pissed when a grandparent dies on your birthday. It’s just not their fault; it’s what they do.
Still, the juicyness of it is awesome, and I guess it says something about HIllary’s character. Although adding “liar” to “severe, impersonal cuckoldress” doesn’t really do all that much for me.
Not that I’m against her; I think if women are allowed to vote, we might as well let them vote for another woman (what’s next? Voting horses?!).
But as a blogger and source of impartial observation, I believe it’s my solemn duty to have no political opinions whatsoever. It also keeps me from having to talk to anyone about their political views, which is a huge plus for me.
Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I’d eat your brain and steal your thoughts.
In the meantime, Hillary, try and stick to heroic lies that are totally unverifiable: your battles with stealthy ninja hordes, your out-of-body confrontations with Satan, your intantaneous and invisible savings of various kingdoms of gnomes.
You may not win the election, but you greatly increase the chances your life story will get optioned for film.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael dodges sniper fire as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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June 16th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Hiliary is a poor woman. I heared from friends that Clinton is cheating on her and hooking up with hot sexy big beauties @____ P l u s M e e t . c o m ____, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun and romance together.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Case in point.
March 30th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
I would way rather get blown by Monica than Hilary.
March 30th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
“If I wanted to know your opinions I’d eat your brain and steal your thoughts.”
Jesus, I laughed so hard I need to stop at Target for another “3 pairs for the price of two!” Jockey sale—that’s NEVER going to wash out. Ohmigod…
Seriously, it’s unfortunate that she wasn’t dodging sniper fire. Or, at least it’s a shame that there weren’t snipers. Really, really good ones. Or, at a minimum, it’s a shame that her face during one of those insane Jokeresque expressions didn’t stick that way, like your Mom said it could. Man, I’d ignore the ludicrous excuse for a political platform and vote for her, just to see that over the Presidential lectern during every press conference.
March 29th, 2008 at 9:11 am
You get to choose who to vote for in elections. Here in Lithuania, we have only assholes. Although they can be separated into two categories: Russian-bought assholes and local assholes. Come to think of it, our government is a pile of assholes. And they don’t look funny like Hillary.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I don’t know… those photos, while unflattering, still have a certain level of dignity. I know! Can someone lolcat those pics up? That’s the only thing that could make her look like more of a jackass.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:35 am
She’s definitely butch enough to be Pres. Don’t know about any other qualifications, though.
March 27th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
She R scary!
March 27th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Hillary Clinton took my shoe.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Hillary Clinton makes my penis not work.
March 26th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Congratulations, Swaim, “Hey, if I wanted to know your opinions, I’d eat your brain and steal your thoughts.” is now on my facebook quote board. You should feel honored to find yourself in the company of Law and Order: CI character Det. Goren and Barbara Streisand.
March 26th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
…and get Mr. Ed to be your running mate!
*Clapter erupts*
March 26th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
That horse vote is crucial, but easily swayed. Just say you’ll outlaw glue.
March 26th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Lewis Black almost made his own head explode trying to understand that one.
March 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
He also had his dick sucked ,which according to him does not constitute sexual relations or it depends on what your definition of “is” is.
March 26th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
No, he simply came on her dress.
He merely ejaculated whilest she was nearby and caught some it, therefore by that logic the sheets on the White House Presidential bed could have had sexual relations with Bill Clinton.
He should have hired me as his defense lawyer.
March 26th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I think these pictures are all I need to keep my vagina away from Hilary Clinton. I can’t make any promises about Bill though….
March 26th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
But glendoor, he DIDN’T have sexual relations with that woman.
March 26th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Is anybody really suprised that a Clinton is lying. Lying about your past is right out of the Bill Clinton playbook.
March 26th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I’m never one to ruin a “Canada good/America bad” conversation, but I think Mr. +1 is only half right. Canadians just care about politics differently (or at least our media covers it differently) than Americans. Political coverage seems to be less about the personalities and more about positions. That’s not to say it’s any less one-dimensional here, or covered any more intelligently, but there seems to be much less interest in the personal lives of our politicians. I consider myself reasonably well informed about what’s going on, but I couldn’t even tell you what religion Stephen Harper is. Southern Baptist, maybe?
March 26th, 2008 at 11:46 am
@ kingmonkey +1: Its true. I live in the most conservative province of them all, which was represented by an alcoholic who liked to attack homeless people and… no one really cared. The conservative party GAINED seats in the last election. Plus, everyone still loves Ralph … in that way that you love your crazy alcoholic uncle.
March 26th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Andy Pants, would you say that Hillary is what’s wrong with America? Do you pity the man she will someday marry?
March 26th, 2008 at 11:35 am
You see, this is why Casnadia is great: no one cares about politics, at least not to the extent that Americans do. It’s great, Swaim, you can walk around the entire city (and I live in the capital) and not see one single partisan politics reminder.
Of course I should point out that I live and work in the red light district, and thus don’t “walk” very often. It’s dangerous out there!
FIRST!!
March 26th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Wow.
I love this site.
March 26th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I’m under heavy sniper fire while writing this comment, it seems that the sniper’s are, horses?!
They look like they’re voting for something, my eyes could be playing tricks on me.
March 26th, 2008 at 10:44 am
You’ve got it wrong, Dr. Doom. McCain is that egg motherfucker from the Adam West Batman series. What was it? Eggface? Eggmouth? Egghead? It was Egghead. His special power was inserting the word egg into words where, previously, egg was not present, just as McCain did in his “Eggciting Road to the (egg)White(omelet) House” speech.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I like how Clinton looks like the Joker in the second photo in the post above. Obama is clearly the Riddler, and McCain is obviously Mr. Freeze.
And if you know of any sexy, single women in their early to mid thirties who are aching to be swept off their feet by my encyclopedic knowledge of superhero comics . . .
March 26th, 2008 at 9:42 am
I’ve always been a fan of this one:
That Matt Drudge is somethin’ else, huh?
March 26th, 2008 at 9:41 am
“Bitch looks crazy” is also a look sported by a certain golddigging Beatle-marrying escort. Now, I’m not American, but I’m wondering if it’s wise to vote for someone who has so much in common with Heather Mills?? (not the Beatle-marrying part, just the lunacy).
March 26th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Hillary Clinton should also avoid stating that she is not Hannah Montana’s mother.
That last picture; is that an expression of fear, terror, happiness, joy, surprise, anger, or pain? It’s really hard to tell - sort of like Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa except less subtle. Perhaps it’s the expression on her face just before she got the Botox injection?
March 26th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I think there are more candid shots of Hillary Clinton looking like a total lunatic available on the internet than any other politician, (unless their particular lunacy was an important part of their platform). Every time I read an article about her, it seems like they use a horribly unflattering shot of her wide-eyed and mid-shriek.
I’m not going anywhere with this. “Bitch looks crazy” I suppose is my thesis.
March 26th, 2008 at 8:40 am
She also brought peace to Northern Ireland … no .. .wait … no she didn’t that was another lie. You’d think that if your were at this stage of your career you’d learn to lie about things that, you know, other people and especially video cameras weren’t around for.
I think the best part of this whole story is that she got called out on it by Sinbad! Sinbad for president!
March 26th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I agree that talking with people about their political views is a headache, and avoiding discussion of politics can save you a lot of annoyance. But just so you know, this comment section is probably going to filled with half-assed “Internet Politics,” which is to say a lot of people typing VARY ANGRELY at each other.
But an interesting post you have posted. And good choice of pictures.
Also, first!