As some of you may know, your childhood is getting a crotch punt--or as the New York Times puts it, Mickey Mouse is getting a reboot. The article discusses, among other things, a new Mickey Mouse to connect with today's youth; a Mickey Mouse that is "cantankerous and cunning," a dirtier Mickey who walks and talks differently and is maybe even a little selfish. Now, while one acclaimed writer maintains that today's youth is less "cantankerous and cunning" and more "constantly sticky and full of shit," others say the move is a welcome change. Mickey's wholesomeness is outdated by today's standards; if Disney wants him to connect to kids, they need him to be edgier and in your face and buzz words or he'll just disappear completely.
Now, most of you are probably learning this news for the first time, but I've actually known for quite a while. A few months ago, when the idea of toughening up Mickey was just a hushed rumor passed around the Disney offices in paranoid whispers, I was contacted Disney Chief Executive Roger Iger. As a result of some telephone-related terrorism I was allegedly involved in several years ago, the government now records every phone call I ever have.
-April 19th, 2009-
Iger: Is this Dan O'Brien? This is Roger Iger.
DOB: ...Uh huh.
Iger: I'm the Chief Executive of the Disney Corporation.
[A brief pause, wherein I consider the dozen or so articles I wrote verbally defecating all over Disney Darling Hannah Montana.]
DOB:Oh, fuck me, OK, this... wow this looks bad, I can... in no way explain, it is precisely what it looks like. Do your guys just come and shoot me now, or what?
Iger: Daniel, I'm the Chief Executive of Walt Disney. If I wanted you dead I'd have exploded your heart remotely a year ago.
DOB: Yeah I figured. So what's this call about then?
Iger then went on to explain Disney's concern for Mickey's harmless, white-bread image problem. I maintained that Mickey was plenty creepy enough because, as I recall correctly, Fantasia was fucking terrifying, but Iger disagreed.
Fantasia, as it exists in my memory.DOB:-and one of the frog's has a knife and, fuckin', there's blood everywhere, like, everywhere and Mickey's still smiling like he didn't just help mow down that entire family of brooms.
Iger: No, I got it, Dan, but that didn't happen, that's not how that movie went.
DOB: I'm almost positive it is.
Iger:It's not fu- Forget it, we're getting off topic here. The point is, we're rebooting Mickey, and I want you to be the man to help us do it.
Apparently, Iger was impressed with my gritty, in-your-mouth writing style and wanted me to take a swipe at the Mickey reboot. Even though I was kind of busy, both with the site and Agents of Crackeda hot new web series that's going to debut all over your face this Monday, November 9, 2009, I decided to take him up on his offer. The prospect of reinterpreting one of pop culture's most endearing figures was too enticing to pass up. Plus, that whole heart exploding, thing. I got right to work.
My rough draft of "New Mickey" possibilities didn't exactly resonate with Iger in the way I hoped it would.
-May 3rd, 2009-
Iger: No. No, no, absolutely not.
DOB: No to what? The Hitler one? Is your frozen boss still sensitive about that?
Iger: Those are just rumors, and "No" to all of it.DOB: There's really a lot of good stuff on that page, I think if you'll take a second and just stop being such a giant puss-
Iger: "A lot of good stuff"? To what does that refer, exactly? The barely legible scribbling or the completely unusable character sketches? Am I to understand that you thought you could reboot the Mickey franchise simply by drawing Mickey Mouse naked?
DOB: You don't like Steamboat HugeCock? Man, I thought that was a homerun. He tested really well with people who weren't dripping, close-minded puss-
Iger: And what is this? Is this "Mickey Fucks a Horse"?
DOB:Did I write that? Oh ho, man, I'm the best.
Iger: You are not the best.
DOB: Bullshit, name one thing that's better than me.
[I felt a mild rumbling in my heart and decided to comply.]
Iger: Daniel, I want you to start from scratch.
DOB: From scratch? Look, I don't know how they do things over in The Republic of Puss-
Iger:From scratch, O'Brien, no excuses. And, for future reference, we're fucking Disney. Don't send us squiggles on a piece of loose leaf paper, alright?
DOB: Fine. And might I add that throughout this entire ordeal you've been nothing but a grotesque, man-sized...
DOB: Hel- You still there? Hello? You're a pussy, hello? Like a gaping, pulsing, ah goddammit. Next time.
I went back to the drawing board and, a little while later, had something at least a little more realized.
The ShowCSI: Magic Kingdom follows Mick, the Magic Kingdom's toughest but most tortured criminologist as he solves crimes that usually involve brutal violence and an aggressive amount of semen. Follow Mick as he tracks down rapists and does mostly nothing else with his time. Sample Scenes
EXT. THE DOCKS BEHIND THE MAGIC KINGDOM- DAY
MINNIE, taking photographs of the crime scene, is the image of professionalism, her and that big ole' ass of hers. There are several corpses strewn about, all male, all liberally glazed with WHAT IS PROBABLY SEMEN. MINNIE deftly sidesteps a corpse as MICK approaches, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.
It's about time. We've got 10 bodies here and-
Hold it, Min- I haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet.
Better take it to go, Mick. This looks bad.
I can see that. Or should I say, I can see... [Removes sunglasses]... men?ROCK AND ROLL
INT. DONALD DUCK'S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT
DONNIE has been drinking- No surprises there. The floor is littered with bottles. In fact, the only thing in the apartment that isn't a half-empty bottle of booze is a broken picture of Daisy Duck, which DONNIE clutches. MICK walks in.
Looks like you've seen better days, Donnie.
[Unintelligible gibberish.] [Unintelligible gibberish.]
I hear you, old friend. I hear you.
[Unintelligible gibberish.] [The "N" word] [Unintelligible gibberish.]
You may have a point. But, Donnie, listen to me. We found him. The guy who killed Daisy... we found him.
That's right. He slipped up and accidentally masturbated all over Pluto's dog house. When we tested the semen, we found it was a perfect match for the stuff found on Daisy.
[Unintelligible gibberish.] Semen, [Unintelligible gibberish.]
I'm not sure that's totally necessary. I took him down with my pistol already, because he pulled a gun on Minnie.
That's right. [Removes Sunglasses] Looks like this pervert's load isn't the only thing that was... shot.ROCK AND ROLL
INT. INSIDE THE 'IT'S A SMALL WORLD' RIDE - NIGHT
Goofy is just knee-deep in semen, like, you can't even believe there's so much, where did it even come from?
DOB: "Because it couldn't have come from just one man, right? Because there's so much of it and no one man can hold that much semen, I looked it up. So you gotta figure there's, like, a sadistic group of organized rapists working together with nothing but time. And, like, a whole mess of semen. And Goofy's all-"
Iger: I can read Daniel.
DOB: Really? Huh. You said you didn't like it, so I just assumed it was because, instead of eyes, your sockets were full of two, eye-shaped puss-
Iger: I didn't like it because it was bad. It was repetitive, vulgar, obsessed with semen-
DOB: Who did you think you were hiring?
Iger: -irresponsible, disrespectful to women and stands in complete contrast with everything Disney stands for.
DOB: No, I had that one scene, where the Nazis displayed superior skills, that seems to be pretty in keeping with the-
Iger:Those are just rumors!DOB: Alright, yikes... So you have nothing constructive or supportive to say?
Iger: Ugh. OK... I guess the fireworks look... nice.
DOB: Fire- What fireworks? Oh, that's supposed to be splotches of semen, was that not clear? I knew I should've made them drippier. See, now that is a good note, thank you. "Make semen drippier," got it.
Iger: Start over. This your last chance. Come at me with a variety of ideas, hit me with all you've got and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.
DOB: That sounds fair. Before I go, I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite poems: You are a giant puss-
DOB:DAMMIT.This Other Thing
Somehow, I felt like this was my last chance. Call it intuition or how smart I am, but I could feel it. I thought back to my own childhood. I'd never really connected to Mickey in a big way (probably because he baptized himself in the blood of that broom family he slaughtered), but I did know what it felt like to be caught up in the magic of fantasy. And, as corny as Mickey might be, we need him right now. The children of the world, some of whom may even be mine, need him. This is a world where the economy is in shambles, the country is divided, wars without thought are being waged and parents are abandoning their (alleged) children. We're all growing up a little too fast. We need that corny, black-hole-eyed bastard to tell our kids "It's OK."
November 6, 2009
[Faint sound of heart exploding.]