As some of you may know, your childhood is getting a crotch punt–or as the New York Times puts it, Mickey Mouse is getting a reboot. The article discusses, among other things, a new Mickey Mouse to connect with today’s youth; a Mickey Mouse that is “cantankerous and cunning,” a dirtier Mickey who walks and talks differently and is maybe even a little selfish. Now, while one acclaimed writer maintains that today’s youth is less “cantankerous and cunning” and more “constantly sticky and full of shit,” others say the move is a welcome change. Mickey’s wholesomeness is outdated by today’s standards; if Disney wants him to connect to kids, they need him to be edgier and in your face and buzz words or he’ll just disappear completely.
Now, most of you are probably learning this news for the first time, but I’ve actually known for quite a while. A few months ago, when the idea of toughening up Mickey was just a hushed rumor passed around the Disney offices in paranoid whispers, I was contacted Disney Chief Executive Roger Iger. As a result of some telephone-related terrorism I was allegedly involved in several years ago, the government now records every phone call I ever have.
-April 19th, 2009-
DOB: Hello?
Iger: Is this Dan O’Brien? This is Roger Iger.
DOB: …Uh huh.
Iger: I’m the Chief Executive of the Disney Corporation.
DOB: Oh.
[A brief pause, wherein I consider the dozen or so articles I wrote verbally defecating all over Disney Darling Hannah Montana.]
DOB: Oh, fuck me, OK, this… wow this looks bad, I can… in no way explain, it is precisely what it looks like. Do your guys just come and shoot me now, or what?
Iger: Daniel, I’m the Chief Executive of Walt Disney. If I wanted you dead I’d have exploded your heart remotely a year ago.
DOB: Yeah I figured. So what’s this call about then?
Iger then went on to explain Disney’s concern for Mickey’s harmless, white-bread image problem. I maintained that Mickey was plenty creepy enough because, as I recall correctly, Fantasia was fucking terrifying, but Iger disagreed.
Fantasia, as it exists in my memory.
DOB:-and one of the frog’s has a knife and, fuckin’, there’s blood everywhere, like, everywhere and Mickey’s still smiling like he didn’t just help mow down that entire family of brooms.
Iger: No, I got it, Dan, but that didn’t happen, that’s not how that movie went.
DOB: I’m almost positive it is.
Iger: It’s not fu- Forget it, we’re getting off topic here. The point is, we’re rebooting Mickey, and I want you to be the man to help us do it.
Apparently, Iger was impressed with my gritty, in-your-mouth writing style and wanted me to take a swipe at the Mickey reboot. Even though I was kind of busy, both with the site and Agents of Cracked a hot new web series that’s going to debut all over your face this Monday, November 9, 2009, I decided to take him up on his offer. The prospect of reinterpreting one of pop culture’s most endearing figures was too enticing to pass up. Plus, that whole heart exploding, thing. I got right to work.
Sketches
My rough draft of “New Mickey” possibilities didn’t exactly resonate with Iger in the way I hoped it would.
-May 3rd, 2009-
Iger: No. No, no, absolutely not.
DOB: No to what? The Hitler one? Is your frozen boss still sensitive about that?
Iger: Those are just rumors, and “No” to all of it.
DOB: There’s really a lot of good stuff on that page, I think if you’ll take a second and just stop being such a giant puss-
Iger: “A lot of good stuff”? To what does that refer, exactly? The barely legible scribbling or the completely unusable character sketches? Am I to understand that you thought you could reboot the Mickey franchise simply by drawing Mickey Mouse naked?
DOB: You don’t like Steamboat HugeCock? Man, I thought that was a homerun. He tested really well with people who weren’t dripping, close-minded puss-
Iger: And what is this? Is this “Mickey Fucks a Horse”?
DOB: Did I write that? Oh ho, man, I’m the best.
Iger: You are not the best.
DOB: Bullshit, name one thing that’s better than me.
Iger: Shut up.
[I felt a mild rumbling in my heart and decided to comply.]
Iger: Daniel, I want you to start from scratch.
DOB: From scratch? Look, I don’t know how they do things over in The Republic of Puss-
Iger: From scratch, O’Brien, no excuses. And, for future reference, we’re fucking Disney. Don’t send us squiggles on a piece of loose leaf paper, alright?
DOB: Fine. And might I add that throughout this entire ordeal you’ve been nothing but a grotesque, man-sized…
[Dialtone]
DOB: Hel- You still there? Hello? You’re a pussy, hello? Like a gaping, pulsing, ah goddammit. Next time.
I went back to the drawing board and, a little while later, had something at least a little more realized.
The Show
CSI: Magic Kingdom follows Mick, the Magic Kingdom’s toughest but most tortured criminologist as he solves crimes that usually involve brutal violence and an aggressive amount of semen. Follow Mick as he tracks down rapists and does mostly nothing else with his time.
Sample Scenes
EXT. THE DOCKS BEHIND THE MAGIC KINGDOM- DAY
MINNIE, taking photographs of the crime scene, is the image of professionalism, her and that big ole’ ass of hers. There are several corpses strewn about, all male, all liberally glazed with WHAT IS PROBABLY SEMEN. MINNIE deftly sidesteps a corpse as MICK approaches, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.
MINNIE
It’s about time. We’ve got 10 bodies here and-
MICK
Hold it, Min- I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee yet.
MINNIE
Better take it to go, Mick. This looks bad.
MICK
I can see that. Or should I say, I can see… [Removes sunglasses]… men?
ROCK AND ROLL
INT. DONALD DUCK’S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT
DONNIE has been drinking- No surprises there. The floor is littered with bottles. In fact, the only thing in the apartment that isn’t a half-empty bottle of booze is a broken picture of Daisy Duck, which DONNIE clutches. MICK walks in.
MICK
Looks like you’ve seen better days, Donnie.
DONALD
[Unintelligible gibberish.] [Unintelligible gibberish.]
MICK
I hear you, old friend. I hear you.
DONALD
[Unintelligible gibberish.] [The "N" word] [Unintelligible gibberish.]
MICK
You may have a point. But, Donnie, listen to me. We found him. The guy who killed Daisy… we found him.
DONALD
[Unintelligible gibberish.]?
MICK
That’s right. He slipped up and accidentally masturbated all over Pluto’s dog house. When we tested the semen, we found it was a perfect match for the stuff found on Daisy.
DONALD
[Unintelligible gibberish.] Semen, [Unintelligible gibberish.]
MICK
I’m not sure that’s totally necessary. I took him down with my pistol already, because he pulled a gun on Minnie.
DONALD
[Unintelligible gibberish.]?
MICK
That’s right. [Removes Sunglasses] Looks like this pervert’s load isn’t the only thing that was… shot.
ROCK AND ROLL
INT. INSIDE THE ‘IT’S A SMALL WORLD’ RIDE - NIGHT
Goofy is just knee-deep in semen, like, you can’t even believe there’s so much, where did it even come from?
Iger: I can read Daniel.
DOB: Really? Huh. You said you didn’t like it, so I just assumed it was because, instead of eyes, your sockets were full of two, eye-shaped puss-
Iger: I didn’t like it because it was bad. It was repetitive, vulgar, obsessed with semen-
DOB: Who did you think you were hiring?
Iger: -irresponsible, disrespectful to women and stands in complete contrast with everything Disney stands for.
DOB: No, I had that one scene, where the Nazis displayed superior skills, that seems to be pretty in keeping with the-
Iger: Those are just rumors!
DOB: Alright, yikes… So you have nothing constructive or supportive to say?
Iger: Ugh. OK… I guess the fireworks look… nice.
DOB: Fire- What fireworks? Oh, that’s supposed to be splotches of semen, was that not clear? I knew I should’ve made them drippier. See, now that is a good note, thank you. “Make semen drippier,” got it.
Iger: Start over. This your last chance. Come at me with a variety of ideas, hit me with all you’ve got and if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.
DOB: That sounds fair. Before I go, I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite poems: You are a giant puss-
[Dialtone]
DOB: DAMMIT.
This Other Thing
Somehow, I felt like this was my last chance. Call it intuition or how smart I am, but I could feel it. I thought back to my own childhood. I’d never really connected to Mickey in a big way (probably because he baptized himself in the blood of that broom family he slaughtered), but I did know what it felt like to be caught up in the magic of fantasy. And, as corny as Mickey might be, we need him right now. The children of the world, some of whom may even be mine, need him. This is a world where the economy is in shambles, the country is divided, wars without thought are being waged and parents are abandoning their (alleged) children. We’re all growing up a little too fast. We need that corny, black-hole-eyed bastard to tell our kids “It’s OK.”
November 6, 2009
[Ring.]
DOB: Hello?
[Faint sound of heart exploding.]
This entry was posted on Friday, November 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Music, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 3:06 am
I just reread this article and it’s still so damn awesome! DOB you are one of the best writers Cracked has. Looking forward to reading more!!
November 19th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
brilliant.
November 18th, 2009 at 5:24 am
This was hilarious! Well done! <3 it!
I don’t think they should change Mickey though really. All we need is another piece of shit cartoon for our dumb ass generation of kids to look up to.
November 17th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
extremly funny
November 14th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
genius.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Perfect, don’t change a thing!
November 13th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Seriously? “The N word?” Just type nigger and be done with it.
Also, I just read three (count ‘em) three articles while listening to ONE prog rock song.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Mostly, this is just for shock value. Not really funny at all.
November 10th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Anyone who pays attention knows that Mickey Mouse is a negro. He is a “Happy Sambo”, cakewalk, “massa boss” and all that.
All disney has to do is go back to the roots of the character.
November 10th, 2009 at 5:06 am
This was funny enough to distract me from horrific Fantasia flashbacks that will now surely haunt my sleepless nights for a while to come. I knew I wasn’t crazy! Why did everyone think it was charming? WHY? I haven’t been able to look at a broom since!
Oh, and I recognised those fireworks as semen, don’t worry, you drew them drippy enough.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:51 am
a lot of the turds that are telling DOB to get his facts straight need to shut the hell up. Everybody, DOB included, knows that mickey was a prankster back in the day. you’re not impressing anyone with your 20 seconds of wikipedia research.
The point is he’s not a scrappy young rascal anymore is he? and the reboot will surely be something far removed from that image anyway because mickey was a little prick back then and despite disney’s spin circus they’re not going to take a risk as big as that. The end result is going to be stupid, contrived and covered in buzz words.
If they really want to do something with mickey why don’t they just take him for what he is and run with it. Grant Morrison’s All Star Superman is testament to the fact that you can do amazing things with a dated character without resorting to rehashings, reboots and re-imaginings. A creative mind with a love of the source material is all thats required to bring Mickey Mouse back into popular demand.
that being said mickey mouse kind of sucks anyway.. lets get those black crows back.. they were tits!
and this is DOB’s best article since the one with the IRS agents… could have used more semen though..
November 9th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Wow. In one blog post, you managed to discredit the entire Disney corporation. What other people are taking so seriously, is truly silly. http://www.newsy.com/videos/mickey_gets_a_makeover
November 9th, 2009 at 4:35 am
I just assumed it was because, instead of eyes, your sockets were full of two, eye-shaped puss-
HAHAHA I LOVE YOU DOB!!
MOUSAL ABUSE!
HAHAHAHA!!
November 9th, 2009 at 1:27 am
Also Lisa, O’Brien specifically pointed out that the Disney of TODAY is the one that needs to be made less sparkly-clean, which is certainly a valid argument. Never did he say that Mickey has always been a goody two-shoes.
November 8th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Lisa
Says: November 7th, 2009 at 3:05 am
This guy needs to do his research. Have you ever even *seen* one of the early Mickey Mouse shorts? Mickey frequently acted like a little SOB, including my favorite, the animal torture in “Steamboat Willie”. He was not originally conceived as a character who could do no wrong. Do some research, watch some cartoons, and learn how to write something funny instead of this crap.
—————————-
Listen here you shit sucking whore.
It’s a *comedy* article.
Meaning these guys have artistic licence.
The article wouldn’t have been nearly as funny without the direct goody two-shoes comparison.
Fuck some people are just ignorant gaping pussies, dripoing with rapist semen.
Another great article.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
LOL, im farting laughter out of my holes!
November 8th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Definetly the best columnist on here. Bucholz and Brockway have some pretty good stuff occasionally but this is the shit.
November 8th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
hilarious as usual
i love the hitler mustache (too much?)
November 8th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
‘Put tits on something’.
I’d hire you.
November 8th, 2009 at 9:30 am
I enjoyed aboslutely nothing about this piece. Extremely overrated, as usual
November 8th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Best writer in Cracked. Keep up the good work!
November 8th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Porky Pig? He’s from the other company, man. The ones who used to have an adult sense of humor? Not gonna name any names….XX
November 7th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
lol to say this article is misleading is an understatement. They aren’t rebooting Mickey so much as bringing him back to his roots ala steamboat Mickey where he was kind of a bastard.
This facelift is purely confined to the Wii game Epic Mickey and possibly a corresponding cartoon to launch in tandem. Warren Spector (Wing Commander etc) lead game director on epic Mickey is a fan of the old black and whites and would like to see that Mickey in his game in contrast to the comtemporary one. Those looking for more of the same will be able to find it in spade via the traditional Mickey outlets.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
you sir, are brilliant.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
first time i heard about the mickey reboot. the last picture i cant read wat it says at the bottom, something about fucing some1… or something…
there was a bit much talk about semen -.^ for my likeing
and nazi mickey made me l0l
November 7th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Funniest thing I’ve read all day.
November 7th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Loonatics. I posted their reboot pictures in one of these comments somewhere. Yeah, taht was on drugs. Type is into google images for some WB reboot hell.
Even the cover of the damn “Epic Mickey” Game is creepier thjan shit. Take a look.
http://www.infendo.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/1512.epicmickey-cover_single.jpg-610×0-495×592.jpg
November 7th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
it reminds me of that lousy reboot of the Looney Toons, in which they are superheroes or something….it was creepy as hell, i never dared watching it. Does anyone remember that name of it?
November 7th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Amazing article. Laughed out loud quite a few times.
November 7th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
big swinging mickey in the wind
!
November 7th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
wait… is this serious? They’re really planning on rebooting Mickey? Jesus, the people at Marvel Studios is ALREADY TAKING OVER and it hasn’t even been one fiscal year yet!
November 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Epic Mickey will do to Mickey Mouse what every late Sonic the Hedgehog game did to Sonic. This is a colossal fuck up by Disney. Disney got a taste of $$$ from Kingdom Hearts and now they want to try a new retarded title. I’ll be crying in my cave watching what is left of my Mickey Mouse/Donald Duck/Porky Pig VHSs if this ever becomes mainstream.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Are you dream about something? Want to find a quality partner, it is human nature! Welcome to (Sugarloves-com) which the best club for seeking sugarbabe/daddy. Build a home for your youth!
November 7th, 2009 at 10:35 am
CANTANKEROUS!
November 7th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Nice
Mickey - Horatio thing damn funny
Should have called it Semen Kingdom tho…
November 7th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Now we just have to see if we can rescue Bugs Bunny from obscurity and Space Jam.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Yes the bit about mickey always being a goody two-shoes is inaccurate but the rest is so funny why the fuck would it matter.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:06 am
“Goofy is just knee-deep in semen, like, you can’t even believe there’s so much, where did it even come from?” Wow, it’s almost frightening how much I laughed at this line. In fact, I must be in a low brow kind of mood, because I laughed my ass off at this whole thing.
(Possibly) interesting side note: A lot of Disney comics I read as a kid that were reprints of stuff from the ’30s through the ’60s featured Mickey as an amateur detective who usually DID carry a gun. So that CSI: Magic Kingdom might not be too far off the mark.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:05 am
This guy needs to do his research. Have you ever even *seen* one of the early Mickey Mouse shorts? Mickey frequently acted like a little SOB, including my favorite, the animal torture in “Steamboat Willie”. He was not originally conceived as a character who could do no wrong. Do some research, watch some cartoons, and learn how to write something funny instead of this crap.
November 7th, 2009 at 2:15 am
You need a new shtick. This one’s pretty worn out, predictable.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
This was truly amazing, it had NOTHING in common w the last article DOB wrote with a few more fucks and some truly in my face vulgarity i’m not sure I could handle. Basically every fucking piece this guy writes is “the aristocrats” but like, longer and less funny at the end
November 6th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
I thought the whole CSI parody thing was amazing, and I would totally read more of that shit. But like a couple others mentioned, I just couldn’t buy that whole premise of someone from Disney consulting DOB; and thats really saying something cuz I buy a lot of shit from DOB.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Mickey fucks a horse.. I lol’d
November 6th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
intriguing
November 6th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
lol best article ever on cracked
November 6th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
…You mean Agents of Cracked wasn’t just made up to parody film trailers? Fuck yeah.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Wow, this article was so many levels of awesome. DOB, I now proclaim you to be [removes sunglasses] the SEMEN KING.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Genious. It had action, comedy, drama, Nazis, semen? More brilliance from the D.O.B.. It needed more cowbell and fake dog testicles though.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Who is girl in red bikini?
November 6th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
very funny DOB and atleast i wasnt the only one who think Disney can explode your heart my brother found out the hard way
November 6th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
The best club for seeking Sugardaddy/babe, people in there more directly. You know our position! Join __Sugarloves-com__ and have fun!
November 6th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
If snorting with laughter at the “Steamboat HugeCock” picture is childish…then I’m very childish indeed.
Also, this just in: Funny mouse to make life worthwhile.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I wonder if updating Mickey has anything to do with him becoming part of the public domain in a few years.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I’m pretty sure “Mickey fucks a horse” is already on the internet somewhere…not that I’m going to look or that I made it or anything…
November 6th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
“DOB: Who did you think you were hiring?”
Lampshading.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Just as an FYI, DOB, the idea is less to reboot mickey altogether as to bring him into line with his characterization prior to about 1950, to make him more of a trickster and less of a straight man. If you take a look at some of the earlier mickey mouse shorts he’s a pretty scrappy little guy.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
GREAT!
And to those “trolls” out there…eat some dick already!
November 6th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
fucking love it XD
DOB u rule
November 6th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
A classic as always! I’d have to agree with some of the below on how you tend to rehash your stuff, but I’d also say I like that about you. I know what you expect, and the actual content tends to vary from article to article.
Basically, well done!
November 6th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
He’s edgy, he’s “in your face.” You’ve heard the expression “let’s get busy”? Well, this is a dog who gets “biz-zay!” Consistently and thoroughly
-
So he’s proactive, huh?
-
Oh, God, yes. We’re talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
-
Excuse me, but “proactive” and “paradigm”? Aren’t these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
===(The Simpsons)
November 6th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I liked it…
November 6th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I wish I could end every scene in my life with [removes sunglasses]
ROCK AND ROLL
DOB, you’re a master of the craft.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
You obviously have no idea that the original Mickey has always been mischievous…that Mickey only became the toned down, bland too innocent mickey that we know today after the 1930s..this change is a throw back to the real Mickey…The original mischief-maker he once was…Epic Mickey is going to be amazing…enjoy it
also its people like you who put disclaimers on the sesame street dvd saying “Sesame Street episodes are intended for grown-ups and may not meet the needs of today’s pre-school child.”
November 6th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Congratulations, NoCrap, you’ve written a comment that contributes absolutely nothing to anyone, anywhere! Trolling the trolls doesn’t make you better than them, bud.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Only people aged 11 & under would even crack a smile at this article. Lame.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
These comments are almost… no, are far more retarded and troll-like than youtube’s.
Congratulations, Cracked commenters; your opinions are now less significant than an 12 year old youtuber’s.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
We at the network want a mouse with attitude. He’s edgy, he’s “in your face.” You’ve heard the expression “let’s get busy”? Well, this is a mouse who gets “biz-zay!” Consistently and thoroughly.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Wow, this article was totally original and not at all like every other thing DOB’s written! It was so refreshing to read how he was implausibly contacted by a high-ranking figure and asked to do something, despite how obviously unqualified and vulgar he is! God, that is so fresh and funny, and not rehashed at all! Holy crap, where do you come up with this stuff? I mean, besides the last piece you wrote.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Nice job DOB. It’s Bob or Robert Iger by the way, not Roger.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Oh my Buddah…did digital pie just say this is ‘high brow’ humor? i can’t possibly state how wrong that is, because i never thought one thing could possibly be that wrong in my- [Phone Rings] -excuse me, good fellow. [picks up phone] “hello?” [faint sound of canada exploding]
November 6th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
@Dicks “This article sucks” - Dicks
Incorrect, this article blows. Get it?
November 6th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
This was good to the last drop.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
“He slipped up and accidentally masturbated all over Pluto’s dog house”
Holy shit I laughed so hard at that. accidently mastuarbating over a dog house as if it’s a 1 second thing? That’s hilarious! But then again, maybe he had a stiffy going on for some time and then he just got a little jittery and excited and before he knew it BAM!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Oh man… I didn’t even notice the “I see… men” joke until I read the comments. Guess I need to keep on my toes to follow your highbrow intellectual humor, DOB.
Great article
November 6th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Great, it’s the Dark Age all over again. I thought I put the 90s behind me.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
mickey fucks a horse
lol
November 6th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
hahahah that was awesome!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I lol’d at “Mousal Abuse” and still am. I don’t quite know why.
Anyway, I would probably watch CSI: Magic Kingdom. If, ya know, there was slightly less semen.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
This article sucks
November 6th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
you can’t make Mickey this dark without a buffer. They didn’t turn The Joker from a cartoony troublemaker into a sadistic terrorist overnight, they needed a middle ground, and that was Jack Nicholson. Disney needs a Jack Nicholson.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@ Angry Sailor:
You know what else sucks? Your MOM sucks (my dick)
…see what I did there?
November 6th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Can any reboot of Mickey be better than Goofy in “Goof Troop”?
November 6th, 2009 at 11:57 am
“impressed with my gritty, in-your-mouth writing style”
Brilliant.
Also, I want to see the Comedian Mickey Mouse, NAO.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:39 am
[...] Disney to Reboot Mickey Mouse, Internet to Make Fun of Them (Cracked) [...]
November 6th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Haha, you guys are stupid. Mickey Mouse is intended for children? Heh.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Why would they reboot mickey to make him edgier? Everybody knows how mickey and his crew works. There cartoon characters for children. Young children. It’s not like they even really make cartoons with mickey in them. All that’s left is that mickey clubhouse garbage.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:51 am
So…. Mickey used to be awesome. All they are doing is making a video game where Mickey is more like he was in the 20’s when he was trying to rob banks and get beer to go with his cheese.
If anyone want’s to pretend this is a big deal, then go ahead.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I love you, D-Dan. Also, who’s the girl in the bikini?
November 6th, 2009 at 10:42 am
This just from TMZ. Minnie’s rapist caught! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ I don’t blame him. I’d nail her in the crapper myself (little Ms. Innocent, polka-dot mini-shirt fucking tease!).
November 6th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Comedian Mickey was awesome. I don’t see what problem Disney had with that he fits their philosophy perfectly. I can see The Mouse running through My Lai with a flamethrower, no better way to connect with kids.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:29 am
OH DEAR GOD, NOOO!!! Please tell me that you are kidding O’Brien!! If they “reboot” Mickey(I grew up on Disney) then we really are fucked as a society!! It’s bad enough that they revamped the Disney channel and all of these so called Disney films to fit with today’s stupid kids! But this is seriously just fucked up! Walt has got to be turning in his grave! All of his hard work is going down in flames! Bring back the old Disney stuff!!
November 6th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I can only describe this article with my favorite phrase used by the Cracked staff.
Pant-shittingly awesome
November 6th, 2009 at 10:04 am
HAHA… See…. Men haha
November 6th, 2009 at 10:01 am
There have been a lot of good lines written on this website, but this has to top them all:
“I can see that. Or should I say, I can see… [Removes sunglasses]… men?”
I think I might start saying that, if I can just think of a situation in which it would be appropriate…
November 6th, 2009 at 9:59 am
How about they just make more damn Mickey Mouse cartoons? It’s irrelevant because they don’t produce any new cartoons. And considering the animation techniques from the 1940s seem to be better than they were today, I guess it’s a bit too much to ask.
And honestly, I prefer Donald and Goofy anyway (without semen). Those two have no problem getting more modern shows with a modern twist.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:57 am
To all who mentioned Poochy, yeah, that’s totally spot on. They’re gonna’ “rastify” Mickey, like, what, 10% or so, right?
Holy shit, I wish they’d leave iconic American images that have w/stood the test of time alone. Mom & applie pie will be replaced w/ 2 girls & a cup and big gulps…it’s got electrolytes!
Keep grinding out those wholesome kids that turn into walking Hep-C paragons in their later, more, ahem, “adult” years. Disney; how could one company be so f’ing saccharine, whitewashed, PC, and concerned for America’s youth and so fucking 2-faced and morally bankrupt at the same time?
November 6th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Funny article, but Epic Mickey looks like it will be an awesome game.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I say they give mickey a blonde wig and have him go by a different name when he’s wearing it, you know, so he can feel like he belongs at disney again
November 6th, 2009 at 9:32 am
ending was a bit of a let down, but funny over all.
[Unintelligible gibberish][The "N" word][Unintelligible gibberish]
hilarious
November 6th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Well the game Epic Mickey is bring him back to his old verson of himself (aka kinda of a jackass) so I guess if Batman can do it Mickey can
November 6th, 2009 at 9:11 am
The new Mickey needs to have a realistic down to Earth show thats completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots. As far as Mickey goes, he needs a new name something along the lines of Mickey only more proactive.
Disney has grown too big and insane.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:11 am
This only makes me think of one thing that addresses this DIRECTLY:
“Ruff ruff, I’m Poochie, the rockin’ dog!”
November 6th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Maybe they should make Mickey do hard drugs, be FUCKING OBSSESED about his MySpace/ Facebook and make Minni pregnant at age 13.
You know, so he can relate to kids.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Aggressive amounts of semen? Hilarious.
Looking forward to Agents of Cracked, too.
Whoa, a Disney commercial just came on. I feel like the Twilight Zone music should be on.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Awesome.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:22 am
david caruso mickey mouse would be a giant tool.
fact
November 6th, 2009 at 8:19 am
I rofled at Comedian Mickey.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Here is a very nice place——- Cougarmatching.com ——— It’s a premiere cougar dating community for older women seeking younger men and young men seeking cougars. Come in and complete your profile. Post a message, a picture of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You will find someone you like here…
November 6th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Disney Fucking Sucks, Period.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:13 am
dongtaculosity at its finest.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Mickey as The Comedian? Yes yes yes FUCK YES
November 6th, 2009 at 7:56 am
This reminds of that Simpsons episode where they hired Homer to voice Poochy, the edgy, in your face dog.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Maybe it was just my page… but the best part for me was that at the end of the article I noticed the add for Disneyland at the top of the screen
DOB- I’m a huge fan. Keep it up!
November 6th, 2009 at 7:45 am
this article was right in my mouth! DOB rules!
November 6th, 2009 at 7:38 am
oh loved the article.
’twas semen filled, and though am not a gay (to love semen), the article was good.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:35 am
God, this reminds me of when they tried to reboot the Looney Toons with “Buzz” Bunny.
http://www.onedigitallife.com/images/loonytoons-loonatics.jpg
November 6th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Or should I say I see…. men? So great.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Danny-boy,
You’re barking up the wrong tree here and getting yourself into some seriously dangerous territory. Granted, this article was outright hilarious but I think there are a few things you ought to know about both yourself and Disney.
See, you are obviously a Disney-created mind control slave.
Throughout my endeavors in the field of “psychoceramics” (the study of “cracked pots”, for the uninitiated), I’ve come across the following article over and over again. Disney is obviously a mob-created Illuminati front that creates movies for the sole purpose of creating undetectable Mind Control Slaves.
http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/the_disney_bloodlinept1.htm
Near the end the article even provides a script as to how Fantasia is used towards this end. Hence your violent memories of the film.
As for the telephone call and your heart exploding? You are programmed for that. Iger obviously spoke the “heart explosion script” into the phone. Disney does that sort of thing all the time. Of course, you didn’t REALLY die, hence your ability to post this article, but the neurons in your brain are wired to think you did.
Er… yeah. Or something like all that.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:18 am
@Literacy: I think he was trying to show an idea to make Donald Nite Owl, hence the note “(Donald as Nite Owl?)”.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:15 am
”
So they’re turning Mickey into Donald, and expect that to make him relevant?”
Ironically, Donald was originally created to take Mickey’s mischeviousness when Disney was trying to tone down the originally more dickish mouse. The reboot is just kind of returning that aspect that Mickey had to begin with.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Oh and I’m super excited about Agents of Cracked. I’m glad to know that’s really going to happen.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:03 am
I’ve always hated Mickey Mouse, ever since I was a kid. He’s such a total dick. I did, however, LOVE Fantasia.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Fucking excellent. The dialog between Mickey and Donald was great. And Mickey as The Comedian. And the one idea that you decided didn’t cut the mustard was ‘Epic Mickey’.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:57 am
I WILL MAKE THAT SHOW. Once I start actually doing stuff at college and stop looking at Cracked all the time.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:53 am
that was fuckin hilarious… i laugh pretty hard during a bad day… thanks you DOB
November 6th, 2009 at 6:51 am
I thought that ‘Mickey Fucks a Horse’ may have been the greatest reboot of all time, but wow. CSI Magic Kingdom takes the prize for the greatest anything ever.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:37 am
THIS IS NUMBER ONE!!!!! i just love the random things in the world like “CSI magic kingdom” and “aggresive amounts of semen” GREAT!! keep it up man!
November 6th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Comedian Mickey is WIN.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:30 am
And here I thought that appearing in “Kingdom Hearts” was the weirdest thing that could happen to Mickey.
Also, that’s the Comedian there, not Nite Owl.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Or should I say, I can See…[Removes sunglasses]…men?
im gonna be laughing about that all day …..everyones gonna think i’v stoped taking my pills again.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:21 am
CSI: Magic Kingdom… just awesome. DOB rules. God so funny and so fucking wrong.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Great stuff! Nice revamped Minnie there in the last poster!
November 6th, 2009 at 6:10 am
So they’re turning Mickey into Donald, and expect that to make him relevant?
November 6th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I adore you DOB.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Whatever Disney ends up doing, your “in your mouth” writing style has forever gay’ed Mickey to me, DOB. epic dude, epic
November 6th, 2009 at 6:05 am
omg that was freakin funny!!!
November 6th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Is that Rachet?
November 6th, 2009 at 6:02 am
The actual reboot of mickey mouse (its a game) is looking pretty friggin’ cool so far. I saw this last week: http://www.gamesradar.com/wii/disney-epic-mickey/preview/the-11-things-you-need-to-know-about-epic-mickey/a-200910291215659086/g-2009102811119630063
, it kinda goes over what it’ll be about.
The actual article was pretty hilarious, i always like it when we get long dialogs. And fantasia was pretty f’d up. Really.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Extreme awesomeness here DOB! Can’t wait for Agents of Craked!! My two favourite writers!!
November 6th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Ohhh shit DOB, well played well played
November 6th, 2009 at 5:48 am
“brutal violence and an aggressive amount of semen” made my day, OMFG
November 6th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Mousal Abuse. DOB, you’re one of the only people who can make my day before it’s even started. Brilliant!
November 6th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Well, It would appear that I…
*puts on sunglasses*
…enjoyed this article.
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
November 6th, 2009 at 5:43 am
“crimes that usually involve brutal violence and an aggressive amount of semen” Oh JESUS
November 6th, 2009 at 5:30 am
I actually scrolled back to the CSI: Magic kingdom poster. Drippier.
So very much wrong with this post, and yet so very funny!
November 6th, 2009 at 5:28 am
epic XD
November 6th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Sublime – CSI Magic Kingdom – outstanding LOL
November 6th, 2009 at 5:25 am
CSI: Magic Kingdom was hilarious! Great job!
November 6th, 2009 at 5:21 am
XFD @ “Mousal Abuse”
You fucking rule, DOB.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:17 am
This article gets my stamp of approval “:D”
November 6th, 2009 at 5:17 am
You are the fucking KING DOB.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Man, with this, DOB takes the top spot as the funniest writer on cracked. It was Seanbaby, but lately his stuff hasn’t been great. DOB on the other hand just keeps cranking out the goods.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:12 am
My friend recommended me a very interesting place _____Meet Wealthy com_____*** It’s where wealthy singles looking for someone to enjoy their wealthy lifestyle with.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:09 am
jesus christ funny.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Well duh, this is Disney - you can’t just have Mickey fuck a horse, he has to do it to music in a song-and-dance orgy of horse fucking.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:03 am
o man, i cant begin to describe whats wrong with this idea in general
November 6th, 2009 at 4:57 am
1!!