At the end of the day, we humans are basically huge, lumbering apartment complexes for hordes of microbes warring to be the first to get us to choke to death on our own vomit.
But never in my wildest flights of germophobic fantasy did I imagine it would come to this. Ladies and gentlemen, the snow is no longer trustworthy.
Snowflakes can only form when ice crystals have some material to cling to and grow on, and a new study has shown that about 85% of the time, that material is bacteria. That means catching snowflakes on your tongue is basically like enjoying a tootsie pop whose center is a deadly contagion.
Admittedly the bacteria the study found was one that harms only plants, but lets not kid ourselves; its only a matter of time before the Ebola virus hitches a ride on some white death and cripples our nations most precocious, innocent, and precious resource: comedy bloggers.
Well, no thank you Jack Frost. Next Winter Ill be staying in a dark, unventilated room stocked with plenty of my favorite meal: open dishes of chicken broth.
And you want to know something I wont be doing in that room? Having sex with teen girls. And it has nothing to do with the fact that Im not allowed near them. Rather, I cite this recent study showing that 1 in 4 teen girls in the US have an STD.
Statistically, that means that after an average night on the town, I stand to contract no less than 1/16th of a venereal disease! Well, thats just a chance Im not willing to take.
Women, stop spreading and start drinking tap water. Why, you ask? Because if youre not going to treat your STDs, maybe some of the prescription drug cocktail coming out of your faucet will knock the sucker out.
Once again, the tampering of mankind puts aright what nature set awrong. That old guy that wrote Frankenstein sure was ignorant.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael designs sanitary bunkers as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!