When you stop and think about it, a large part of our daily existence is filth-encrusted. You’re reading this on a computer, so chances are you’ve picked up thousands of bacteria just from touching the keys. Ditto if your bathroom door has a doorknob, and if it’s a curtain instead like mine, it’s filthy for a whole new set of reasons.
At the end of the day, we humans are basically huge, lumbering apartment complexes for hordes of microbes warring to be the first to get us to choke to death on our own vomit.
But never in my wildest flights of germophobic fantasy did I imagine it would come to this. Ladies and gentlemen, the snow is no longer trustworthy.
Snowflakes can only form when ice crystals have some material to cling to and grow on, and a new study has shown that about 85% of the time, that “material” is bacteria. That means catching snowflakes on your tongue is basically like enjoying a tootsie pop whose center is a deadly contagion.
Admittedly the bacteria the study found was one that harms only plants, but let’s not kid ourselves; it’s only a matter of time before the Ebola virus hitches a ride on some “white death” and cripples our nation’s most precocious, innocent, and precious resource: comedy bloggers.
Well, no thank you Jack Frost. Next Winter I’ll be staying in a dark, unventilated room stocked with plenty of my favorite meal: open dishes of chicken broth.
And you want to know something I won’t be doing in that room? Having sex with teen girls. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m not allowed near them. Rather, I cite this recent study showing that 1 in 4 teen girls in the US have an STD.
Statistically, that means that after an average night “on the town,” I stand to contract no less than 1/16th of a venereal disease! Well, that’s just a chance I’m not willing to take.
Women, stop spreading and start drinking tap water. Why, you ask? Because if you’re not going to treat your STD’s, maybe some of the prescription drug cocktail coming out of your faucet will knock the sucker out.
Once again, the tampering of mankind puts aright what nature set awrong. That old guy that wrote Frankenstein sure was ignorant.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael designs sanitary bunkers as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 13th, 2008 at 3:00 pm and is filed under Bacteria, Germs, STDs, Science, Sex, Winter. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 9th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Y’all probably know this, but Frankenstein was written by a bird. Cute bird too.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Law School…
Law School…
March 15th, 2008 at 3:23 am
Dammit, lbh, it is not a mute point. A mute point is a point that can’t speak. You mean “moot”. Also, while I’m here, you do not “make due”, you “make do”. I know they sound the same to your uncultured American ears, but they’re not, dammit!
March 14th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Regardless of what percentage of teenage girls/boys/horses/etc. Swaim seems to be banging, I think the interesting thing here is just how far from the actually-sort-of-disturbing content of this blog the comments have gotten. Yes, sex with teen girls is both fun and funny, but the idea of not being able to swallow mouthfuls of that delicious lemon-flavored snow is quite shocking.
Actually, you know what? Let’s talk about the teen girls some more. I think that might be better. Guess it shows that sex (especially of the illegal variety) really does sell.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
So once they turn 20 they’re cool, right?
I’ll assume that’s right.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Thanks for the weekly dose of unhealthy paranoia! When it comes to this kind of thing, ignorance truly is bliss and I’m almost comatose with happiness, until you come along and wang me on the head with something like this. Goodbye carefree naivety, hello hand sanitizer and surgical masks.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Seeing as I’m not getting any ass, STD might as well pague 1/2 of teen girls.
I’m more concerned about pissed-out medicine getting in your drinking water… or the cosmic sniper rifle.
March 13th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Well Swaim at least you didn’t tell her one of the great lies of all time (should be a list…you’re welcome). “I will only put it halfway in.”
March 13th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
No, Gary, I’m having 25% of sex with a teenage girl. Big difference.
March 13th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Fuck drinking tap water.
Gen. Jack D. Ripper “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face. “
March 13th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Is the reason you are not allowed near teenage girls have something to do with driving around in that van from the “Hot Farts” video?
By the way a funny video
March 13th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
correction: “1 out of every sixteen teenage girls”? or “one out of eight, 6-9 year olds?” Shit, I suck at math. Hell, it doesn’t matter anyway because our whole planet’s looking down the barrel of a gigantic cosmic ray-gun. Better start digging out that bunker Swaim.
March 13th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
yeah, Gary, that confused me too. Maybe he meant that to say that he had a “1/16 chance of contracting a venereal desease” because only 1 out of every four teenage girls he hits on will give him any action.
It’s a mute point anyway because there’s a good chance we’ll all be cooked by Death Star Gamma Rays. Check out this little tidbit that started out the week’s news…
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20080310/sc_space/realdeathstarcouldstrikeearth
March 13th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
1/16th? So on any given day of the week you’re having sex with 25% of a teenage girl?
March 13th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Yes, once again we can thank Big Pharma for having our back. I feel safer and less inclined to ask questions already!
March 13th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Read the end of the sentence for the subtle answer to that one.
March 13th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I wonder if you called Mary Shelley an “old guy” intentionally.
March 13th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
i can’t help but notice that your tags form a kind of emo haiku
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