6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History
Cracked Columnists

Dick + Naked Woman = Extremely Misleading Headline (NSFW if You Squint)

Some of you probably think being a Cracked blogger is fun. And sure, getting recognized on the street is a thrill at first, and the all the hot sex you're constantly invited to watch (otherwise Ross can't finish) is pretty okay too.

But let me tell you, it's not all peaches and thick-bearded sex. There's a dark side. Of course, I'm primarily referring to our being forced to care about the most inane shit ever hammered onto a keyboard by an AP intern trying to pad his transcript so he can get an internship in DC and avoid breaking up with his needy girlfriend.

Also sometimes Dan hits us with an old piece of leather belt he found. I dont think its his, mostly because Ive never seen him wearing pants.

But back to inane shit. The below photo of Dick Cheney made waves in the blogosphere this week, not because of his uncanny resemblance to The Penguin scowling triumphantly while Gotham burns, but because there was speculation that that little smudged reflection in his glasses was a naked woman.

You can start masturbating whenever.

The White House claims that its actually just a reflection of the fishing pole Dick was holding at the time. And while any moron can see that thats clearly true, the use of the phrase Dicks pole in their justification is so sexually charged that Im going to have to assume that the reflection is actually of hardcore pornstar Jenna Haze. My arguments?

One. Look at that smirk. Youre telling me thats the smirk of a man enjoying a nice fly fishing cast? Youre suggesting a man who is at least a third responsible for the downfall of the American Empire gets off on some fucking nylon sailing through the air?

Au contraire. That is the knowing grin of a bald, overweight man who knows he can bang, and then murder young starlets with impunity. I guarantee you that mere moments after this photo was snapped, that womans face got a blast from Dicks trusty shotgun. And then he probably killed her, too.

Two. I have devised a simple test to prove that its at least possible that there could be a naked lady in there. Below, four photos. Three are old mens hands. One? Jenna Haze. I DEFY you to spot the difference.

And three. The White House claims some fancy zoom-in of the photo proves Cheney was fishing. Big whoop. I saw a picture yesterday of a guy with his head stuck up his own ass. It was not only a hilarious visual metaphor and example of computing wizardry, but also a dire warning: photos are not to be trusted.

Just because your European History teacher shows you some slides of emaciated torture victims standing by some grainy wooden bunks doesnt mean the Holocaust actually happened. Okay, bad example, but you get my point.

Check out these images I made with just a few minutes and some Googling.

Clearly, when someone like menot even a professional photo manipulationistcan fool the eye so utterly, so completely, we cant take anything at face value. If a few bloggers say that those eighty tan pixels represent a nude sunbathing pornstar, who are we to question?

We should just accept it as fact and react accordingly (huge boners), for the sake of entertainment if nothing else. Who cares about high gas prices; Cheneys leering at nipples! On boobs! The important question now is what to do about it. Our VeeP has almost certainly been snagging some poon on the side, possibly while dressed in rubber wading pants.

It may be too late to impeach, but I say theres always time for a good old fashioned uprising of the people. I mean, you didnt rise up when you found out they lied about the WMDs in Iraq. You didnt rise up when they sent your children to die in the desert and pushed our economic status back forty years. For the love of God, rise up now!

If I dont see people looting in the streets tomorrow, Im going to care even less about this issue, which, believe me, is no small feat. Please, dont let that happen.

Viva la inanity!


When not blogging for Cracked, Michael plans and coordinates the execution of photoshops as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Michael Swaim

  • Rss

More by Michael Swaim:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

32 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!