Cracked readers, fellow bloggers, America: I’m a simple man with just a few, simple ambitions. Some of these ambitions, I’ve had to give up, and some I still keep in my heart. For one thing, I’d like to take Danica McKellar on a date. One date, probably to the Olive Garden, whenever she wants between now and the day I die. Additionally, I wouldn’t mind owning a robot that could help straighten up my apartment but that also knew when and how to party.
I want to punch Nicolas Cage in his face at least once and I’d like to be friends with 50 Cent.
Also, several (several) years ago, my only goal in life was to be the man to take Lindsay Lohan’s virginity. That ship, unfortunately, has sailed. Sailed, docked, sailed again, made Herbie: Fully Loaded, checked into rehab, did some more sailing, and I have no doubt that this ship will eventually do porn so as to remain in the public spotlight, or perhaps just to feel something. My friends, when I learned I would never take Lindsay Lohan’s virginity -when I discovered that I would never treat her to a Freaky Friday and a predictably Disappointing and Awkward Saturday Morning- well, I was crushed. I was crushed because that was a goal, a dream, that I had to abandon.
My final and most important ambition in life is to develop a very public feud with the bitch that plays Hannah Montana and expose her for the monster she is and this is one ambition I will not give up on.
Last weekend, Hannah Montana’s movie, Hannah Montana Hates Freedom, was number one in the box office taking in over thirty million dollars in just three days and also set the record for having the highest per-screen average ever. So impressive was this weekend, in fact, that Hannah Montana actually “stole headlines away from one of the most memorable upsets in the history of the National Football League”. Got that? We’re basically saying to the rest of the world that Hannah Montana is more important to America than the Super Bowl and Rambo. Is that the kind of image that we want to present?
Granted, I’m not totally sure I know what it is that Hannah Montana actually does. I’ve never seen her program and all I know about her is based on what I read about her in Mein Kampf. What I do know is that this is too much power for any one person to have. My friends, we have to take America back from Hannah Montana. By the time she turns 18, she’ll already be a billionaire and it’ll be too late to stop her.
Now, am I advocating that you help destroy her career by spreading around a bunch of vicious rumors? Rumors, for example, like “Hannah Montana says she won’t rest until abortions are taught in every school”? No, of course not. I mean, just because I heard somewhere that Hannah Montana wishes time travel existed just so she could go back and microwave the Baby Jesus, doesn’t mean you should call your local news station immediately…But it does make you think.
This entry was posted on Friday, February 8th, 2008 at 4:05 pm and is filed under America, Super Bowl, That Bitch Who Plays Hannah Montana. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 26th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Hannah Montana sucks more than my new vaccum cleaner.
August 10th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
my name is hannah to.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
SOMA AND HANNAH MONTANA WERE THE “OTHER” JFK SHOOTERS!
August 6th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
pick ‘n’ choose-
Hannah Montana crucified Christ
Hannah Montana lives in New Jersey
Hannah Montana assassinated Pablo Escobar
Hannah Montana is Kim Jong-Il’s alter ego
Hannah Montana works for Disney
July 27th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Hannah Montana caused the Great Potato Famine in the 199th century.
Don’t ask how, just RUN WITH IT.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Hannah Montana got MJ addicted to prescription drugs. I should know - She’s coming for me next! RUN JACKSONS! RUUUUUUUUUUUN!
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 am
the kids at home loves Hanna Montana. I also watched this show from time to time and Miley Cyrus is really fit for this role.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Thanks everyone for the great insight and post here.Its great when the poker and gaming world can share ideas and expirence with others and i will be making a contribution here as well.thanks
December 1st, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Hannah Montana made Carlos Mencia popular.
October 30th, 2008 at 1:52 am
One thing I can always count on to be funny on this comedy website, are ignorant people with no true sense of humor. Oh and these blogs are always funny. I wish this man luck in his conquest to vanquish the corporate whore known Hannah Montana. Hopefully Miley Cyrus or however will develop cancer and die, or be lobotimized that would be barrel of laughs. Sorry to those out there who take offense to these kind of things, you are weak. Everyone else lets keep this ball rolling.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Miley Cyrus is responsible for distributing Two Girls One Cup
August 21st, 2008 at 11:50 am
I am having Hannah Montana’s babies. She is a dead beat parent. I am taking that bitch to the Maury show.
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May 13th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
I really don’t care either way, but if you have to defend someones honor, at least make sense *looks at harshita*. On a completely unrelated sidenote, this is a COMEDY website, that means that it is funny. I think it is doing a very good job at it.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
AND Hannah Montana IS more important than the superbowl.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
You are evil. Seriously, I bet you are the anti-christ.
I am 18 and proud to say that I love Hannah Montana, disney and all that is good in this world.
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May 4th, 2008 at 6:32 am
how can i believe that u all r saying true
May 4th, 2008 at 6:31 am
say u one thing i like her and it is her work which people loves.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:30 am
no hannah montana is a real popstar.she is nice . why u all hate hannah montana and why r u saying wrong things about hannah montana. tell me
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April 30th, 2008 at 7:37 am
you crazy lunatic, why don’t you just leave her alone, and get a life, she is just a kid. what makes you perfect, and why don’t you mind you’re own bussiness. it seems that you don’t have a life. she is a good kid and if you don’t know anything about her, you dont have any right to talk about her at all. I THINK YOU’RE CRAZY AND LONELY AND DON’T HAVE A LIFE.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
[...] I owe you all an apology. Maybe it was the remarkable amount of Mabisms that kept showing up week after week after week. Or maybe it was the fact that, because the Cracked Commenting Community was [...]
February 24th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Hannah Montana invented periods
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Hannah Montana keeps JFK and John Lennon as pets on a derelict island in the south pacific.
Hannah Montana was the inspiration behind the soviet-era gulags.
She was also the inspiration behind nazi concentration camps.
Hannah Montana poisoned Elvis.
Hannah Montana practices vivisections on babies.
Hannah Montana killed Jimmy Hendrix with his own guitar.
February 13th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Only 2 things could come of this, either someone will make the mistake of saying Hannah is better than god (she or an obsessed fan) and people will swarm her with hate messages, and just all together forget about her, or she will eventually take a downward spiral of drugs, alchohol, marriages that last a whole day, and 3 kids proving that she is a terrible mother, and she’ll be ridiculed and talked about by many, until an obsessed fan makes a “Leave Miley/Hannah Alone!” video…Either way I think it’ll bring a new meaning to having the “best of both worlds”…or bring back an old meaning.
February 13th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Problem is that tickets for this Hannah Montana thing cost 2 to 3 times as much as normal priced movies tickets (if those are normal prices). So it kind of follows that a 100 seat theatre sold out is going to have a record per screen take if your charging over your normal price. At least my kids just occasionally watch her on Disney and didn’t want to go see her overpriced movie (not that I would have let them go).
February 13th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Oh shit, I just got midgetroll’d.
February 13th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Hannah Montana killed Benazir Bhutto.
Hannah Montana starred in a youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0fvQQtkqoA&eurl
Hannah Montana drew attention away from the Superbowl… oh wait…
February 11th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
My robot knows how to party, in fact, he constantly tears off his pants and whips his mechanical penis out. Unfortunately he does it while he’s mowing the lawn.
February 11th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Hannah Montana rapes kittens.
Hannah Montana makes toliets flush the other way in Australia.
Hannah Montana cancelled Arrested Development.
February 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Could be the new meme. Chuck has gone the way of the landline.
Chuck Norris might potato sack people; but Hannad Montana cement bags them.
February 11th, 2008 at 6:01 am
wooter, I totally already called that one. get your own baseless slander.
…. although, since this is written I guess its libel.
February 10th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Hannah Montana knocked up Jamie Lynn Spears.
February 10th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
THAT BITCH!!!!!!!
February 10th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason that Rachel Bilson is dating Hayden Christensen.
February 10th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Hannah Montana is a teenage, intellect-deficient, corporate-created, money-making machine who is actually the secret Love-Child of Dick Cheney, Carl Rove, and George ‘Worst President Ever’ Bush.
Disney, ABC, and Miramax assisted in her birth, thereby ensuring that we will have to endure her visage on the media screen until she gets knocked up by her show’s Producer just like her neighbor in the double-wide down the gravel road to the left, that no-talent Spears chick.
Oh! WHICH no-talent Spears chick, you ask?
Take your pick.
February 10th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Hannah Montana shits on the Constitution and then wipes er ass with the Declaration of Independence.
February 9th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Hannah Montana steals Jesus staues.
Then crushes them between her thunder thighs.
February 9th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
If you play a Hanna Montana record backwards it says, “Hey thunder thighs, smoking crack is great for losing weight”. It also says, “I killed JonBenet”.
That oughta do the trick.
February 9th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
have you seen this yet????
Crazy Funny
http://www.fakebuddy.com
February 9th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Hannah Montana made every good Fox show get canceled
Hannah Montana created Reality TV
Hannah Montana is the reason music is no longer on MTV
Hannah Montana made Godfather 3 and Gigli
February 9th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Hannah Montana told Greedo to shoot first.
February 9th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Some of these facts make Hannah MORE endearing, rather than despicable.
Anyway if your plan to ruin her reputation fails there is always this last ditch action: http://edition.cnn.com/2008/US/01/25/flight.incident/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
February 9th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Hannah Montana is the person throwing popcorn at you in the cinema.
Hannah Montana is the person on the bus talking really loudly into their cell phone.
Hannah Montana plays softball with kittens.
Hannah Montana once made Chuck Norris cry.
February 9th, 2008 at 7:06 am
Hannah Montana impregnated Jamie Lynn Spears.
Hannah Montana is responsible for the Rape of Nanking.
Hannah Montana re-edited Jabba the Hut into the original Star Wars.
February 9th, 2008 at 6:23 am
Hannah Montana’s only regret is that she is too young to have helped Hitler to fulfill his final solution.
Hannah Montana punches puppies in the face for fun.
Hannah Montana doesn’t wash her nether regions.
Hannah Montana force fed Heath Ledger all those pills.
Hannah Montana bombed Pearl Harbor
Hannah Montana invented the laugh track.
February 9th, 2008 at 2:01 am
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Hanley Moncyrus is the demon spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus, Baby Spice, and Hillary Clinton (helping explain her many identities) with plans to take over the world with her country-based pedophile-creating cuteness.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Hannah Montana is an expensive hat.
February 8th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Hannah Montana is the monster from Lost.
February 8th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Hannah Montana was involved in a lesbian orgy with Maggie Gyllenhaal.
February 8th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Hannah Montana was the inspiration for the dancing pig Youtube video.
February 8th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Hannah Montana is the reason Arrested Development was canceled.
February 8th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Y’all read what Logan said? He’s a hero. Fight the good fight, brother.
February 8th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Hannah Montanna will use the microwaved jesus to burn baby Gahndi, Budha, and Muhammed to death. Then she will use those corpses to smother baby Martin Luther King.
February 8th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Yes I did.
February 8th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
My sister saw this movie…….
twice.
Don’t worry, she won’t be telling anyone about, or anything for that matter.
My sisters a mute, i did not kill her.
February 8th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
The greatest thing about this blog is that there is now a “That Bitch Who Plays Hannah Montana” tag on Cracked.com.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Shhh, Hannah Montana is Tony Montana’s daughter. He’ll fuck you up, mang.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Well, I know I’ve done my part to help.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
That Hannah Montana headline is the sort of news that makes me yell things at my tv.
February 8th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
That’s funny, I would like to be friends with Nicolas Cage and punch 50 cent in the face other than that your pretty spot on.