Dear God, They Want to Take Away our Pornography (A Manifesto)
When they came for our free music, I said nothing, because I used Bittorrent.
When they came for our free TV shows, I said nothing, because I have a DVR.
When they came for our free movies, I said nothing, because, again, Bittorrent.
But now they come for our pornography, and no longer can I remain silent!
No longer can I stay my typing fingers while the rights bestowed upon us by our very broadband connections are whittled away, parceled and sold off before our very weeping eyes, flaccid penises, and parched vaginas!
I have paid for pornography, friends. I have paid and paid: my time, my sense of self-respect, my meaningful human relationships. But to pay money?! Such a thing cannot, nay SHALL not come to pass!
Today, I say, we band together! We, the anonymous minority, the faceless throng, must march together, hand in sweaty, sticky hand, towards those who would thwart our will!
Vivid Video, you who nursed us from tender young goslings into full-grown Internet perverts, wings proudly fapping in the sun, we beg you: end this madness!
Jameson!
Tai!
Devon!
Carrera!
Thai! (I have an Asian thing)
These ample fruits are not to be hoarded, but spread with joy to all comers!
Besides, we all have Limewire, so stop spending time filing lawsuits when you could be finishing Post-pro on Where the Boys Aren't 27.
NERDY AUTHOR'S NOTE: The preceding manifesto contained four sex puns, two of which are probably more subtle than they should have been, and one of which is so condescendingly obscure that he should be beaten for including it. He apologizes, but could not resist.
two words...lily thai.
Replytwo words...lily thai.
ReplyI've got years of experience with writing anything from articles to reviews but this is really something...
ReplyMerely hearing about topics like this gives me a expanded idea of what I'm doing. Websites such as this are truly aiding people who plainly don't have any other place to get this kind of info.
ReplyNice post! This is also my biggest earning area. However, it
Replymobile cctv
ReplyThis is quite a up-to-date information. I think I'll share it on Twitter.
ReplyI’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
ReplyWell ,I learned a new word for dick, at least. Not bad.
ReplyThat is great =] Well done.
ReplySorry all, I was in NY for a few days without Internet connection. At the risk of being anticlimactic, frostbite got it; it was the will one. Will used to be synonymous with dick. TA-DAH! Don't hate me.
ReplyWhat about "hand in sweaty, sticky hand"? Screw your courage to the "sticking" place has nothing to do with sex but it's from Macbeth and let's face it - we all know where sticky hands come from.
ReplyA paraphrase from Richard the Third perhaps? Him being King Dick after all. I can't figure it out. Damn, I knew I should have paid more attention in English Literature...
ReplyThe last hidden pun - I'm guessing "before our very weeping eyes"
ReplyEither I'm right, or I shouldn't be allowed in public.
Well Sir , I admit defeat at the hands of a greater nerd than I.
ReplySome final thoughts, this had better be the greatest Shakespeare masturbation pun ever or well you said it yourself, you deserved to be "beaten". Lastly I will leave with a crude attempt at a Shakespeare pun of my own devising.
" Fuck you Macduff, or Macsmain or Mcswain or however it is ignorant cocks spell thy name."
Imagine Pericles arrived at Tyre,
ReplyWelcomed and settled to his own desire.
His woeful queen we leave at Ephesus,
Unto Diana there a votaress.
the weeping eyes thing sounds familiar in a shakespearical context.
Replyfo' tha vag?
Isn't "our will" referencing that one sonnet which I can't be bothered to look up at the moment? Will for William, will for willpower, and will for... another four-letter word. Yeah.
Reply"But now they come" or "I have an Asian thing"?
ReplySwain, my fav ones are Thai, Tai, Lei, and Carrera too! Weeeeeee!!!
ReplyAnd also Evan Stone, the man cracks me up.
Now, on search for the last pun!