When they came for our free music, I said nothing, because I used Bittorrent.
When they came for our free TV shows, I said nothing, because I have a DVR.
When they came for our free movies, I said nothing, because, again, Bittorrent.
But now they come for our pornography, and no longer can I remain silent!
No longer can I stay my typing fingers while the rights bestowed upon us by our very broadband connections are whittled away, parceled and sold off before our very weeping eyes, flaccid penises, and parched vaginas!
I have paid for pornography, friends. I have paid and paid: my time, my sense of self-respect, my meaningful human relationships. But to pay money?! Such a thing cannot, nay SHALL not come to pass!
Today, I say, we band together! We, the anonymous minority, the faceless throng, must march together, hand in sweaty, sticky hand, towards those who would thwart our will!
Vivid Video, you who nursed us from tender young goslings into full-grown Internet perverts, wings proudly fapping in the sun, we beg you: end this madness!
Jameson!
Tai!
Devon!
Carrera!
Thai! (I have an Asian thing)
These ample fruits are not to be hoarded, but spread with joy to all comers!
Besides, we all have Limewire, so stop spending time filing lawsuits when you could be finishing Post-pro on Where the Boys Aren’t 27.
NERDY AUTHOR’S NOTE: The preceding manifesto contained four sex puns, two of which are probably more subtle than they should have been, and one of which is so condescendingly obscure that he should be beaten for including it. He apologizes, but could not resist.
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
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March 11th, 2008 at 3:22 am
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
December 19th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Well ,I learned a new word for dick, at least. Not bad.
December 19th, 2007 at 4:35 am
That is great =] Well done.
December 19th, 2007 at 3:02 am
Sorry all, I was in NY for a few days without Internet connection. At the risk of being anticlimactic, frostbite got it; it was the will one. Will used to be synonymous with dick. TA-DAH! Don’t hate me.
December 18th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
What about “hand in sweaty, sticky hand”? Screw your courage to the “sticking” place has nothing to do with sex but it’s from Macbeth and let’s face it - we all know where sticky hands come from.
December 18th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
A paraphrase from Richard the Third perhaps? Him being King Dick after all. I can’t figure it out. Damn, I knew I should have paid more attention in English Literature…
December 17th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
The last hidden pun - I’m guessing “before our very weeping eyes”
Either I’m right, or I shouldn’t be allowed in public.
December 16th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
Well Sir , I admit defeat at the hands of a greater nerd than I.
Some final thoughts, this had better be the greatest Shakespeare masturbation pun ever or well you said it yourself, you deserved to be “beaten”. Lastly I will leave with a crude attempt at a Shakespeare pun of my own devising.
” Fuck you Macduff, or Macsmain or Mcswain or however it is ignorant cocks spell thy name.”
December 16th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Imagine Pericles arrived at Tyre,
Welcomed and settled to his own desire.
His woeful queen we leave at Ephesus,
Unto Diana there a votaress.
December 16th, 2007 at 7:15 am
the weeping eyes thing sounds familiar in a shakespearical context.
fo’ tha vag?
December 16th, 2007 at 6:44 am
Isn’t “our will” referencing that one sonnet which I can’t be bothered to look up at the moment? Will for William, will for willpower, and will for… another four-letter word. Yeah.
December 15th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
“But now they come” or “I have an Asian thing”?
December 15th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Swain, my fav ones are Thai, Tai, Lei, and Carrera too! Weeeeeee!!!
And also Evan Stone, the man cracks me up.
Now, on search for the last pun!
December 15th, 2007 at 4:30 am
NOPE! It’ REALLY nerdy. I’ll give you a hint: Shakespeare.
December 15th, 2007 at 3:26 am
Something to do with the ‘typing fingers’ reference.
December 15th, 2007 at 12:09 am
Haha! That’s a good one. I love this; it’s like an inkblot test.
December 14th, 2007 at 11:31 pm
Broadband connections?
December 14th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
I shall not admit defeat as the whore did.
December 14th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Wow. I love that you’ve discovered so many that I didn’t intend, and yet are nowhere near the real one. I can tell you, you just have to admit defeat.
December 14th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Faceless Throng .Throng has the meaning as a verb of “to come and go in large numbers”.
December 14th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Why is it that every time I try to leave a comment on what I think the forth pun is ,it does not show up? But I can leave the letter b in the comment above and w00t on your other post( which by the way will not let me leave a comment there about what I think the answer is either)
December 14th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
b
December 14th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
If you’ve got a bookworm thing, I guess it could be “come to pass.”
If it’s not, then I found two dirty puns the author didn’t. I don’t know whether to feel good or bad about that.
December 14th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
OMG! Oh were oh were am I gonna find my fav smut if they gonna charge for it!!!!???
BTW, the author should be beaten for those puns.
another pun not mentioned “When they come”. *groan* at the pun.
All hail bittorrent & Limewire!!!!! (same thing, but what the heck…)
December 14th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I’m hoping it’s not “anonymous _minor_ity”.
December 14th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Glock: Close. I didn’t count ample fruits, just because it was an obvious one. The best (meaning worst) one remains hidden.
December 14th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Anyone else notice how Jenna Jameson has become a member of the undead over the past year or so?
December 14th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
There’s also Free Tube, if you don’t mind constant repeats of the same damn clips.
I find it somehow comforting.
December 14th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Equating the fight against piracy to the holocaust. If I had to put a number on it, I would say that that is about 20% short of the standard 10:1 hyperbole to reality ratio.
December 14th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Damn it, what am I going to talk at lunch break with my peers if it’s not about goatse and golden showers?
December 14th, 2007 at 9:48 am
“And should be beaten for it”
There’s one in the “NERDY AUTHOR’S NOTE”
December 14th, 2007 at 9:34 am
You ruined the mystery.
Now I’m offended.
December 14th, 2007 at 8:48 am
The 4 puns are:
Fapping in the wind,
Spread with joy,
all comers,
and ample fruits.
Or did I miss one?