6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History
Cracked Columnists

Dancing Preteens, Teenage Mutant Ninja Dogs and A Machine That Literally Kicks You In The Ass: The Daily Nooner!

Awesome Video Of The DayGirl Dances, Dog Humps

It doesn't get much funnier than a dorky preteen dancing provocatively on her webcam while her parents are away, but if you really wanted to make it funnier how would you do it? You've only got a few options:

  • Girl's parents come home, she starts crying
  • Girl wets her pants, falls on a pie
  • Family dog humps everything in sight in the background
  • Come to think of it, you could throw a humping dog into the background of pretty much any video and it would become instantly funnier. The lunar landing, the Zapruder film, the Berlin Wall falling - it'd be like whitewashing history... with hilarity.


    Failed Gadget Roundup"Brilliant" Gadget #4: User-Operated Amusement Apparatus For Kicking The User's Buttocks

    Why, you might ask, would someone want a device designed "for self-infliction of repetitive blows to the user's buttocks"? I have no idea, but if anyone ever decides they want one, WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.

    "The benefit of the present invention," the patent explains, "is as an amusement apparatus for entertainment and comic relief whereby the plurality of rotating arms rotate when the user rotates the hand crank." Well that doesn't really explain much, does it? Is this for lazy people who want to beat their children? Is it an overly-complicated way to break in new jeans, or maybe some kind of weird S&M thing?

    Maybe it's for people who have a spare corner in their basement and think to themselves, "You know what would be great right there? An apparatus to inflict repetitive blow to my buttocks."

    The patent was issued September 25, 2001 - just two weeks after 9/11. The folks at the patent office must have still been pretty shaken up when they gave this the thumbs-up. There is no other explanation.

    The terrorists may have gotten the Twin Towers, but we got the User-Operated Amusement Apparatus For Kicking The User's Buttocks. I'm gonna have to call this one a draw.


    Wild CardTeenage Mutant Ninja Dog

    Can you put a dog on suicide watch? If I were this dog I'd probably try to kill myself, but not before taking a solid lunge at my owner's jugular. This picture was snapped at Super Groom 2007, an annual dog-decorating tournament in Vegas. Other entries included a Jack Sparrow dog, a "Harley Doggyson" motorcycle, and a poodle with a horse sculpted into its side. They should apply this formula to human beauty contests. I love the Miss America pageant as much as the next guy, but wouldn't it be better if all of the models were dressed up to look like cartoon turtles and motorcycles? I don't know how you would judge it, but that's not my job. I'm just an idea guy.

    • Random

    Recommended For Your Pleasure

    Ross Wolinsky

    • Rss

    More by Ross Wolinsky:

    See More
    To turn on reply notifications, click here

    5 Comments

    The Cracked Podcast

    Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

    The Weekly Hit List

    Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
    Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!