Do you guys remember Roseanne Barr? She was the “actress” and “comedian” who fronted the show Roseanne for a while. I put “comedian” in quotes because I don’t think she’s actually that funny, and “actress” in quotes because I have a pretty sound theory that she’s actually a remarkably well-trained pig.
You can dress a pig up in flannel and give it a sitcom, but that does not make it a human.
Pig theories notwithstanding, Roseanne has made some headlines for herself when she squealed “angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more” on her stupid fucking blog.
To be fair, they are spitting out more dunces. Angelina just gave birth to twins. Fuck those assholes, right? If they really cared about this planet, they’d stop donating a measly few million to charity and instead they’d kill off one of those little womb raiders.
Now, why would Roseanne say these things? Is it because she’s miserable? Is it for Publicity? Is it for Piglicity?! I decided it was my job as someone who genuinely had nothing better to do to dig a little bit deeper into this matter. Since she declined my interview, (and since I never technically asked her for one), I decided to read every post on her blog for two straight weeks. (My dedication to this website is un-fucking-paralleled.)
I can assure you, all of the quotes attributed to Roseanne come directly from her blog. Anything else is merely an attempt by me to interpret her message. I am, we can say, the charming, well-toned Plato to her bitter, doughy Socrates, if you will.
On Jon Voight:
Roseanne:
“jon voight is a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth.”
DOB:
…Okay, without having any recent photographs of Jon Voight at the ready, I can’t exactly refute your claims. I will concede that it’s possible that jon voight is wearing a pink ballet tutu, though I still find that hard to believe. Also, I can see how you might be confused when you see Jon Voight “act like Obama just wandered in from the rain”, and I think I might be able to help you out on this one. Did you see Transformers? In Transformers, he “acted” like the Secretary of Defense, even though he wasn’t actually the Secretary of Defense, just like there weren’t actually a bunch of enormous robot monsters battling each other. See? See how much we’re learning, Roseanne? Let’s keep going.
On Behaving Like a Human:
[A woman wrote to Roseanne defending Brad and Angelina, citing the contributions they've made to charity, ($23 million just this year), and arguing that dubbing Angelina the "spawn of Satan" is, perhaps, unnecessarily harsh. The woman then politely requested that Roseanne apologize to Brad and Angelina. Roseanne reacted just like a totally not crazy human being, saying, (among other things):]
Roseanne:
“You are responsible for every bad thing that happens on this earth…has that ever occurred to you in the least, and if so, do you DO anything to help anyone at all, or speak out for anything at all, or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?”
DOB:
On your mark. Get set. Avoid discussing the many valid points raised in the woman’s email in favor of absurdly spectacular accusations!
Aaand, we’ve got Roseanne by a landslide on that one. She really is a terrifying lunatic! (Also, please take note: It is irresponsible of you as a human being to assume that someone is “fat assed” just because they’re sitting around insulting you. Case in point, the ass upon which I sit all day when I make fun of you is astonishingly well-toned. You can ask anyone.)
On Denver, Colorado:
Roseanne:
“Denver has built concentration camps to hold protesters during the [Democratic National] convention.”
DOB:
No they didn’t. No they didn’t.
On Race, Religion and Poverty:
Roseanne:
“They want to continue their racial holy war against the poor, it pays such great dividends these days.”
DOB:
I’ve got a couple of issues here, so just bear with me a little while. Now, it seems like you’re saying there’s a war against all of the poor people in America. But…uh, ‘Racial holy war against the poor’? Poor isn’t a race, Roseanne… So..so I’m not totally sure how a war against the poor would be racist. I mean, if you automatically assume that all poor people are of a certain race, well, I think that kind of makes you a racist. A little bit. Am…am I getting through at all?
Okay, no.
Because, I mean, Roseanne, it seems like when you hear “poor,” you immediately think of a very specific race. Which, I gotta say, isn’t standard. Because when I think “poor,” for example, the first thing that comes into my head isn’t any one race. It’s “pee pee.” Because poor people very often smell like pee pee.
Moving on, though, this issue is similar. How is this war a ‘holy’ war? “Poor” isn’t a religion either. Is someone trying to convert the poor? To what? Also, who is waging this war against the poor? And how is it paying such ‘great dividends?’ Is there a lot of money to be had in racist holy wars against the defenseless and economically crippled?
Roseanne, I don’t think you’re very bright at all.
On Pro Life:
Roseanne:
“mccain is pro-life and that of course means pro-war! Pro-life means the worship of the holy sanctified fetus and the death of the unholy unsanctified fetus.”
DOB:
That’s not what Pro-Life means…It just isn’t.
On Pro Choice?:
Roseanne:
“I predicted it: Obama’s vote to kill babies born alive after partial birth abortion is the thing republicans have up their sleeve. Michelle [Obama] was the fund raiser that made it possible, and they have her on tape defending women’s right to kill their babies who refuse to die from having their brains sucked out.”
[And again.]
“[Michelle Obama] is on tape defending sucking the brains out of babies who live through late term abortions.”
DOB:
‘Sucking the brains out of babies’? Now, if you’d only said it once, I could understand, but these posts are from two separate days, so just… give me a second here… Oh, okay, I see what’s happening here. It’s zombies. You’re thinking of zombies. Zombies are the ones who feast on brains, not…not abortion doctors. And not Michelle Obama. Look, it’s not clear who exactly you think is harvesting baby brains, but I’ll just save us a lot of trouble and tell you that only zombies are interested in brains, and I have it on good authority that zombies aren’t even an immediate threat for us right now. I’m not sure how you got this issue so tremendously confused, but, there you go.
On Strange Bullshit:
Roseanne:
“all is in the all and the all is in all. ”
DOB:
That’s like six kinds of crazy and there are only five unique words in that entire sentence.
On Things Culinary:
Roseanne:
“tonight is turkey taco night”
DOB:
Bullshit, it’s Friday, Roseanne. Friday is Steak Night. Why do you hate America so much?
On Things to Make Me Vomit:
Roseanne:
“maureen “c-word” dowd she giggles to herself as she clutches and strokes her vibrator about how adept she is at slandering and destroying pro-feminist females who’s clitorises still work right. ”
DOB:
That’s like, seriously, the grossest fucking thing you’ve ever done. I want to tell you a little something about how reading works. When I read a book, I get vivid images based on descriptions in the book in my head. Do…do you see where I’m going with this? So, when you say things like ‘vibrator’ and ‘clitorises,’ you get the reader’s imagination going, you know? We start to picture these things. You realize that, right? That when you say vibrator and clitoris, you’ve successfully just put those images in the minds of your readers? And do you realize that you’re Roseanne Barr, and that now all of these images, (vibrators, aging clitorises, your greasy hamgina) are doing a filthy, sweaty three-person tango in my mind, right? Did you know that? I can’t get these images out of head, Roseanne.
[And, yes, I said "hamgina" because I've yet to see convincing evidence to dispute my "You're Technically a Well-Trained Pig" theory.]
On Totally Shocking Celebrity News:
Roseanne:
“i do not know brangelina and do not mean to personally impugn them as they might be good people in the flesh, but the media’s images of them are smelly and vile.”
DOB:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. You don’t know Brad and Angelina personally? Please, allow me to let this colossal shock set in. You don’t know Brangelina? You, Roseanne Barr, don’t rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite? You mean to say that you’re not invited to all of their swanky wine, cheese and fuck parties?
Goodness, thank you, thank you for pointing out the fact that you don’t know Brangelina as I’d just naturally assumed that you always hang out with them because you’re so relevant and charming and un-swine-like.
(I am making fun of you.)
On The Media:
Roseanne:
“I must always attack the media’s representation of what is good or cool, because those who inhabit the media world of glamour and entertainment and fashion and gossip are horrid people who have no talent of any kind, and yet think of themselves as tastemakers. taste my sandy buttcrack, tmz, and perez!”
DOB:
And there you go. Making me want to puke all over again. I don’t know why your butt crack is sandy, that’s your business and, frankly, I find it horrifying.
On Pissing Me Off With Spelling:
Roseanne:
“I think elizabeth hasselberg is a f’r s’re closet case that wants to get whipped by sherri shepherd in a black corset while old babs slaps a riding crop on both of their exposed butt-oxes.”
DOB:
Let me just catch up here while I wade through the series of consonants you decided to jam into your first sentence…Is that ‘for sure’? Is that what you’re trying to say? Why would…That’s… ‘F’r s’re’ is the exact same amount of letters, I don’t understand why you would do that. I hate you. I’m out.
On Jesus:
Roseanne:
“jesus said in these days: “they will swallow camels and strain at gnats”.
Whatever Jesus puts into my heart and tells me to be brave enough to say I will say.”
Jesus:
She’s bringing me into this? That little pig bitch…
There you have it. My final review on the blog? If you’re one of those people who, when faced with a terribly complex problem, decides to come up with an overly simplistic yet shockingly misguided and uninformed solution, Roseanne’s blog sounds right up your stupid fucking alley. If not, you can skip it and just go back to the way things used to be, (i.e., about a week ago when you either forgot Roseanne existed or assumed she’d politely and gracefully died of bacon-related complications years ago).
*UPDATE*: I made an account for and was subsequently banned from the Roseanne Barr forums. Neat!
Gladstone is pathetically insecure. Please acknowledge his existence on this fucking social networking site because he thinks having a bunch of friends on the internet means he’s a good person in real life. (It does not.)
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- The First Thanksgiving: An Almost Graphic Representation - November 28th, 2008
- This is Why You Don't Steal from Cracked - November 21st, 2008
- On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool - November 14th, 2008
- Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig? - November 7th, 2008
- "WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!": How to REALLY Talk to Cops - October 31st, 2008
November 28th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Hey Evan, shut up.
November 25th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Ah, get over it you pathetic hypocrite. What makes what you have to say more interesting or ‘right’ than what she has to say. I’m not saying I agree with her but she didn’t ask you to read her blog, if you don’t like it don’t read it! She has a right to her opinions on Brad and Angelina just like you have your opinions about her. Dont get all high and mighty. All you do is talk shit on people all day which…coincidentaly is what Roseanne does too!
November 4th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I really hate Roseanne Barr with a passion! She has the most irritating voice I have ever heard, and she isn’t even funny. Honestly I think she just says the things she says so people don’t forget she exist…………I really wish I could forget she existed.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Oh, please. Don’t get me started. She bans people at her blog. That’s right, bans! You were banned? Me too. Where is her freedom of speech at her own blog?
October 20th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I know her personally…and I no longer associate with her for a few reasons. She is extremely shallow…she possesses a great deal of hate…and she is very bitter at all of Hollywood and overall the American people because she has been “black-balled” and has to perform in the UK because she is not liked enough here in the US. Oh yeah, she had to cut her Vegas show SHORT because she was losing money. LOL I cannot believe how destitute she has become. I have been inside her circle and she has done things that would shock you. She is using her sitcom as a way to get her “message” out for working families and the poor and she really doesn’t even give a damn. SAD. If she really cared…well, I better stop there. I just know that the show was a great one and a lot of us will always love that, but she as a person, is pitiful. I don’t know how I would live if I had so much hate and unhappiness in my life. *SHUDDERS* She needs mental help to rehabilitate herself and to find some type of centering within her life. She tells everyone she is a psychic and that she has mystical powers…LOL…and then, she says something completely different the next day. What happened to people knowing when it was time to hang it up? Poor Roseanne…I am glad to not be associated with her any longer. Mean, rude, selfish…you get the picture. Dan O’Brien deserves great credit for calling out all of this and the crazy thing is this: ALL TRUE. RUN AND TELL THAT!
October 10th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Who is really to blame for the housing bubble bursting?
Watch this video and find out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqbgcejIT_k
October 10th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
She has some interesting political links.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
OMG … I splurted pepsi out my nose reading all this.
Hard to tell who likes who and who is the funniest, but I will be returning on a regular basis for all the insanity and leprechauns and zombies.
And cause we seem to be sharing, I am a chick and and 5′9″.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
‘Cause, you know, the whole “Actually/Did you know we suck the brains of unborn babies AND IT’S REALLY TRUE PROVEN BY SCIENCE” hasn’t been ground into everyone’s skulls at this point.
Yes. We know. We know like nobody’s business. We know that everyone knows, and everyone knows we know it. We’re very knowledgeable right now.
I mean, really, it’s true that the number of comments of this article is about ready to reach critical mass, but is it that hard to make sure you’re not parroting a dozen other random posters?
Oh, and I know next to nothing about Roseanne, having never given her the time of day, but I found the article and associated commentary to be hilarious.
Good boy, DOB, here’s a biscuit for you.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
a third trimester abortion involved crushing the fetus’ skull and sucking out the bone fragments so that the fetus will fit down the birth canal easier.
I believe this is what she is referring to when she talks about the brain sucking/Obama thing
September 6th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Roseanne Barrnold. She’s crazy?? What a shocker! Why are you bothering to pick the low-hanging fruit?
September 6th, 2008 at 3:18 am
God there is so much butthurt in these comments. “Waaaah why do you pick on her. I’m never coming to cracked again!”
This isn’t livejournal, and no one gives a fuck if you don’t like the author, because if you don’t like this website due to articles like this then you aren’t the target audience anyway.
September 5th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Step one: Murder poor people by, I don’t know, causing hurricanes by not signing the Kyoto Protocol or something. Step three: Profit!
The humor is somewhat undermined by the likelyhood that Roseanne has genuine mental problems.
Does Margaret Cho still have a blog?
September 5th, 2008 at 6:33 am
Thanks from this side of the pond for the lovely laugh on a Friday afternoon. “Piglicity” may just take on a life of it’s own now. I predict we will be hearing the world over by the end of the decade.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:02 am
Do you think my catholic school would be pissed if I told them that Daniel O’Brien was Jesus or is that just a known fact?
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:00 am
[...] week, Dan O’Brien poked a little fun at me in his Roseanne article by dropping my Facebook link and beseeching the Cracked readers to befriend me. I chuckled and got [...]
August 31st, 2008 at 11:06 pm
they did kinda build concentration camps in denver. chain link cells with no access to any kind of restroom is pretty primitive. but they probably don’t have gas showers. probably.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
you know roseanne is going to blog about this, don’t you? also, i lol’ed for “is it for piglicity?!”
shayn n.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
haha! i like this one: http://www.roseanneworld.com/blog/2008/08/repiglicans.php
August 30th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Damn; disappear for a while and you miss all sorts of shit. Ok, Josie; what’s the difference?
August 30th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I can’t believe there are still posts being made on this blog.
Charles reminds me of Dan The Man. Hmm…..
“I respect G-Balls as a writer, and I have no personal problem with him, I just hate him. Personally.”
That made me laugh so fucking bad. Like really bad. Like I’m still laughing.
However, G-Stone is my ‘homeboi’ and therefore I feel the need to point out his awesome funniness even though the issue has clearly already resolved itself. He uses the word Fedex as a verb which I find hilarious. Crazy Americans!
Oh and Glendoor is also hilarious. Almost as hilarious and Kingmonkey’s rapididly changing name (King of the Monkeys was still my fave, btw) Someone should give Glendoor his own blog already. Dooooo iiitttt!!!
August 29th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
By the way, check your messages.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Not on your wall. In a message.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
[...] report here. Or you can cut directly to the [...]
August 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Oh right, and in your case i sent the friend request after you wrote “HBN Sucks” on my wall.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
@DP
Wow. Just wow. Now that i know whou are I know why I sent you a friend request. Everyone once in awhile when someone is particularly irksome or rude and send me hatemail, I respond by sending them a friend request. It’s a facetious gesture. Like, you hate me? Well i LOVE you.
In any event, you apparently accepted the request. How very cool of you.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
No, but it does make a humor blog, which is what this is.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Ummm…I don’t know how much Mr. Gladstone knows about partial birth abortions…but the doctors do literally suck the brains out of the baby, usually while it’s body has been passed through the womb and the head is still in it…nice huh?
Also, posting observations does not make you a writer.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Oh, thanks, Gladstone. I sent you the thing, btw.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
The left has Roseanne Barr, the right has Ann Coulter. I love the two-party system, don’t you?
August 29th, 2008 at 10:38 am
That still doesn’t answer my question about Gladstones age. Dan makes me giggle. And it’s a common law of the Internet; pics or it didn’t happen. So according to science, Dan does not have great abs.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:42 am
oh and DP. drop me a line and let me know who you are on facebook so i can understand how i could have sent you a friend request. And no, you haven’t offended me. at all. you’re just a douchebag.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:41 am
It’s come to my attention that some people who read the internet are very, very dumb. I mean, even dumber than I thought.
So even though I shouldn’t have to say this, I’m going to:
I’m much younger than Glendoor.
I own no Eve 6
DOB’s abs are pale, white, and flabby.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Damn, I could’ve swore it was because he was a highlander. Wasn’t that you swinging a katana around by apartment complex at all those ethnic people last night Gladstone?
August 29th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Well, that explains why his looks just scream Funny.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:49 am
Way off, Sarge, Gladstone is 108 years old. He hides it well because he has a crippling addiction to plastic surgery.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Gladstone is 45.Way older than even me.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
This was actually not that great. Not because I dislike making fun of others - That’s easily overcome- but because this just seemed really boring.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Roseanne:
“…do you DO anything to help anyone at all, or speak out for anything at all, or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?”
Wait, what is it again the Roseanne does besides sitting on her fat ass and telling off celebrities for having babies and only giving a couple million dollars to charity… ?
Oh, as for partial-birth abortions .. Um yeah the baby’s head is split open with surgical scissors and the brains are vacuumed out, so she is right on that one.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Isn’t Gladstone only like 30-something?
August 28th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
“Even though I think that Sgt Glendoor42 is, without equal, the funniest person on the blog,”
Well thank you, even if you and I both know that’s not true. I’m not funnier than any of the bloggers and as far as commentators go, I would think that distinction would belong to kingmonkey, Emperor of the potato, fire monkey, zombie people, Esq.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
G-Balls. Fuck yes.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Well if Alex Jones said it, you know its true.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Even though I think that Sgt Glendoor42 is, without equal, the funniest person on the blog, I also think Gladstone is incredibly funny, and man whose humor is matched only by his age, (Gladstone is remarkably old), or, perhaps, by his love of Eve 6, (Gladstone loves Eve 6 to a disturbing degree).
I respect G-Balls as a writer, and I have no personal problem with him, I just hate him. Personally.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I’ll do it for you, glendoor. Also because I have a feeling I might have offended Gladstone.
I’m sorry, Gladstone. I’m a bit opinionated.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
truly a vile and disgusting woman
August 28th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Even though funny is subjective, DP13, give Gladstone a chance, He’s really quite the humorous individual. Go back and reread or watch and read some of his earlier posts(though I think his newer stuff is just as good) and you might change your mind.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I love Gladstone and Dan. Dan, why are you always hating on Gladstone? You should respect your elders.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
See, in my opinion, that rant about Gladstone being funny, was funnier than Gladstone.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Gladstone is funny, he’s funny as shit. Hell, just look at him, he just screams funny and that’s not even counting his writings and HBN and shit. They’re damn funny too.
Don’t give up on yourself G-stone, you’re funny, damn funny, damn fucking funny. Damn fucking funny with a capital F, damn fucking Funny with two capital F’s, one for the Funny and one for the Fucking.
I really mean this. Did I say I think you’re funny? You’re Fucking A Funny. That’s three capital letters worth of Funny. Seriously!
August 28th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Yeah. Friend request. On facebook. You sent it to me.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Guys, i feel bad about not letting you know i’m not funny. It should have come from me. It was wrong to let DP 13 break the news to you.
OH, and DP. Friend request?
August 28th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
So… Because you disagree with Roseanne, people think you eat turkey tacos with Rush Limbaugh. Got it.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
@DP13 (Re: “Why does everyone think you’re a Republican?”)
I was actually wondering this myself. I think it’s because much of Roseanne’s blog are, almost unanimously, extremely far left, (except her stance on Turkey Taco Night, which is actually unwaveringly conservative to a fault).
And I made it very clear that I don’t agree with Roseanne. Some people perhaps have decided to run with it:
-Roseanne is Far Left.
-DOB disagrees with her.
-DOB disagrees with all leftist/liberal/democratic principles and dines with Rush Limbaugh.
This is, as near as I can tell, absurd, but it makes sense because it fits in with the “you’re-either-this-or-that”, black-and-white divisionist thinking that guides Roseanne’s blog. If that’s the conclusion they want to draw, that’s fine. I tried to be clear: I’m not anti-liberal or anti-left or anti-democrats, I am just firmly and unabashedly anti-Roseanne.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.” _Mel Brooks
August 28th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Charles:
Well, that’s how humor works for most people. Homer said something like “It’s funny ’cause I don’t know the guy”. The Boondocks and Millard Fillmore don’t have jokes either, so you only like one if you’re a liberal or the other if you’re conservative. The article above contains a lot of real one-liners, so it does pass as humor and not just commentary.
So, Charles, pound some sand and lighten up.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Sounds like a whole-grain type of bread. Delicious…
August 28th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Can we just combine Brangelina with hamgina and make it Branhamgina. That seems to go together quite well.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Charles, if you dislike Dan so much, why are you so dedicated to posting in this blog?
August 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Shut your face, Charles. We’ve had enough of you.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
There is only humor in this article if you already don’t like Roseanne (which is random, I mean she’s practically retired), because it’s really poorly written and weak. DOBs commentary consists of: “she’s fat” and just plain negation (Denver: “no they didn’t”, Pro-Choice “that’s not what it means, it just isn’t”).
August 28th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
i lost it at “un-swine-like”. I’ve hated the woman since the first time i heard her cackle after the theme song ended. good to see that even when you’re as forgotten and worthless as Roseanne, you can still be taken down a notch.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I don’t care if this makes DOB a republican or not this shit was f*cking funny!!!! That woman is psychotic and I agree with metalbrainsurgery I highly doubt these are actual opinions because I don’t think she is sane enough to form those…she just writes down whatever psycho thought she is having at the moment.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I don’t think Roseanne has oppions, so much as phsycotic fits. Opinions are pre thought out and simi logical.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:38 am
CraigH, Roseanne would have to be some kind of Aphrodite-level attractive for me to honour her opinions.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:19 am
I happen to know that Dan is a member of good standing of the Bull Moose party.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
DOB, I had to read this article again. Not because I wanted to, but because I don’t understand how making fun of Roseanne Barr makes you a republican. I don’t see anything about your political views, and you really don’t slam her political views either, so where does the republican part come in? The one that so many people are talking about.
And CraigH, it’s not that he doesn’t “find her ‘attractive’ enough to honour her opinions.” It’s just that her opinions are bat-shit crazy. The fat jokes are just a bonus.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
I really, honestly cannot believe that this is published on cracked. Roseanne does tend to rub a lot of people the wrong way, but honestly, I could say that about a lot of outspoken figures in the media. I get it. You think she is too fat to live. You don’t find her “attractive” enough to honour her opinions. And yes, I also get that you’re voting for the next Republican puppet.
All in all, this is the shittiest, most vile retrospective that makes you, and cracked, exactly what you accuse her of being.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Why were you on Roseanne’s TV set, J-Man?
August 27th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
You may have been banned from Roseanne’s blog, but I was kicked off of her TV set. Don’t ask me why I was there to begin with. Please don’t ask me. . .
August 27th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
ShinZaer, read the comments.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
hamgina HAHAHAHAHA
nicee =)
August 27th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Roseanne is just plain crazy
August 27th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
They do have a “concentration camp” type setup in Denver. It was broadcast about on a Denver news network which you can find on youtube.com. After having been broadcast the Police altered the way the processing station appeared by getting rid of barbed wire, signs indicating that the fencing used was electrified, and adding portable air conditioning units to the building. If you look it up you will certainly find articles about it.
I just had to say this because you lied when you said “No they didn’t.”
Altho the technicalities of the issue can be debated, had the news team not discovered the processing center, nobody would have known until they were being taken there. And most likely… they wouldn’t have made it “comfy.”
August 27th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Yes, we already stated that, Charles, you don’t have to repeat us.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I can haz uh dickshunary?
I got a little sand in my downstairs for real.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Good stuff about Rosanne Barr.
Too bad the ranting, raving, sophomoric poo-poo jokes, childish sex references, pissing contest, dick comparing, tangent spewing dreck, and oversexed, hate hurling comments from your … uh … fans (?) rather reduce the impact of your original article. Because, frankly, the insanity here is as strange as hers was.
I’m just saying…
August 27th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Gladstone didn’t write this article, nate. Gladstone does Hate By Numbers.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
yeah, what glendoor42 said!
August 27th, 2008 at 11:54 am
First of all gladstone let me thank you for a wonderfull article. also let me comend you for your bravery for sticking it out a whole week. I am to afraid to go there I have a feeling something will hapen to my first born or imortal soul if I do. Also an aside to (JOSIE) salt outside a door is not a sign of devil worship salt is white and as such is a symbol of purity that is used to keep out ghosts or to contain a persons will. That being said if it is being used by Roseanne on taco night. It is most likely to keep the spirit of the child she just killed and ground into taco meat from seeking revenge.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Does that make any sense at all? Her kids are white, no but she adopted kids all of different races, so they’ll probably learn acceptance because of that. Obama probably won’t help all that much.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:01 am
she also said that brad and angelina should vote for obama so that their children would learn to respect different races, esp black men. yes, vote for the black man to teach your children acceptance, it doesnt matter what their policies are, and how it might affect america and the world you live in.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Wow. The comments section really is a whole lot more than the articles…
And I believe Charles has sand in his vagina.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Props to seijinumaru for giving us props.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Wow, it took me about 10 minutes to read DO’B’s gut-busting article and over an hour to pick out all the ingeniously concocted repartee (props to DP13, Tulip Sniper, and J-Pappi) from the of mass of uniformed imbeciles who should stay under the rocks they live under so as to avoid making themselves the laughingstock of cyberspace.
Brain-dead idiots aside, thank you DO’B for making my day with all of those painfully nauseating visuals.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:04 am
“…poor people very often smell like pee pee.” Haha! Yeah, poor people suck, dude! Whoooot!
August 27th, 2008 at 6:58 am
It seems to me that Dan has unwittingly solved the mystery of Janis Joplin. She is not some misguided 13 year old but no…Roseanne. Sweet.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:52 am
Yeah, somebody said it somewhere. First amendment and all that. Bottom line, there’s plenty of internet for everyone: the smart and funny, the haters, the occasional commenter, the spammers, the passionate, the people who enjoy back and forth over whatever topic, the regulars, those nutty digg people, boob lovers, Roseanne, Rosie O’Donnell, the eunuchs, and the cracked.com staff who rarely fail to entertain. To mention a few.
All in all, for me, while I’m stuck writing business proposals, I love stopping by and jumping into it all. A guilty pleasure: one I will never tell my mother about (she’s way old.)
August 27th, 2008 at 2:55 am
roseanne’s blog sounds boring
your blog is worse
August 27th, 2008 at 2:30 am
http://highschool.rivals.com/viewrankhs.asp?ra_key=457
August 27th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Gosh…a lot of hatred in the responses this time around.
I got here late - so imagine my surprise to find that in addition to the usual witty and insightful comments from the regulars, we have DOB featuring in not one, but two e-battles with uneducated, grammatically-bankrupt plebs.
If this site just had more boobs, it would render the rest of the internet completely obsolete.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:22 am
I thought Danny’s insecurities were showing when he wrote “ON THINGS TO MAKE ME VOMIT” then the next thing you see is his picture. I’ve laughed about that for days.
Just teasing.
I don’t think you’re that cute though, not my type.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Mr. DOB, I did not realize how attractive you are. But your insecurity is showing a little when you placed your photo next to a cow’s for a comaprison.
Just teasing.
You are pretty cute though.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:04 am
@tshp - gosh! How sweet! I damn near feel like Obiwan Kenobi!
And Tropic Thunder was very funny. No shame for Stiller this time!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Everyone these days is either an authority on politics, economics, international issues, and/or generally what’s wrong with everything. I’ve gotten used to it.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
H> new international symbol for ‘Hamgina’.
Now:
1) Blacksoth… Backsloth…
2) I wish I had a backsloth.
3) Someone to be there when nobody else is.
…and finally
5) I love you Backsloth. <3<3<3
August 26th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
How bout the pot-head who called the … uh … foshizzle.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I agreee. Roseanne must be dummb
August 26th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Although I found most of the comments amusing and accurate there were a few comments that showed the same level of ignorance as Roseanne Barr. Careful, you just might be accussed of being the “pot that called the kettle black”.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Jon Voight hits Roseanna Back:
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/08/20/2008-08-20_jon_voight_roseanne_barr_is_sick_of_mind.html
August 26th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
i think this post makes you a good person in real life
August 26th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
“Hey Dan, who does the theme song for your intro?, that’s a really great song.”
I peed a little reading that.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
glendoor42, trolling trolls.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Hey Dan, who does the theme song for your intro?, that’s a really great song.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Awesome. BB-codes don’t work on replies. One more way I look stupid I suppose. Just pretend like those words are italicized and not encased by brackets and i’s.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Fuck! Somebody else is named Sean. I wish my parents named me Moxie Crimefighter or some shit like that.
Anyway, did you guys know that partial birth abortions actually involve brain sucking because, I certainly didn’t….until I read it 12 times in the comments section. Stop with the “Actually, they DO suck out brains and they ARE zombies” shit.
Whoever made the Charles in Charge reference, I like you (no homo if applicable.)
@DOB: IMO, your other two blog entires were funnier (really, really funny), but, this was, without a doubt, [i]at least[/i] your 3rd funniest. (Seriously, it was funny. Unnecessary but, funny)
@Charles: Go post on youtube videos or something. Your hate is not wanted here.
@The other people who are fucktards: You posted a while ago. I don’t remember your names anymore because in my profession (janitor), you have to have a short memory if you want to get through the day. However, I want you to know you’re fucktards.
And finally, did anyone else kinda think that maybe Orwell was thinking about Roseanne when he wrote animal farm and not communism (in a clairvoyant sort-of way)?
P.S. DOB, I was a little hurt when you never responded to my comment about our similarities in doodling style. I won’t post a frowny-face at the risk of looking any gayer than I already do but, I want you to know that I don’t forget (completely contradicting what I just said 7 lines ago).
August 26th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Three million is better than nothing, but it’s FAR from admirable coming from someone with about five hundred million. Also, “piglicity” is HILARIOUS.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
O’Brien, your picture makes me want to become a baby killing, war-mongering, tutu wearing, fat ass having, America hating f’r s’re homo. Okay, I live in Canada, so I already hate America, but I’ll do the other stuff.
Also, shay, it’s not always a good quality in someone if they speak their mind. For example, what if said mind was bat-shit insane, as Ms. Barr’s seems to be? Therein lies the problem. Your assertion that it is her right to speak her mind is by all means valid, but by the same right, O’Brien and the rest of us get to make fun of her when she says something ignorant/needlessy combative/disgusting/incredibly stupid.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Thank you Dan.
tshp- I can’t tell if you were being sarcastic. If you weren’t; I’m glad to hear your hope is restored. But, The fact that you spend $100 on buying girls drinks is kinda sad. Protip: If you’re looking for a nice girl, you won’t find her in a club.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
This article just plain sucks.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Good to see somebody’s with me.
In other news, why does it say my last comment is “awaiting moderation”?
August 26th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
DP13- About the identity crisis, I’d say you’d fit in with me. Not obsessed but not filled with rage.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
jeff. your information regarding the abortion procedure in question is highly flawed.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I just don’t find Gladstone funny at all. I like him as a person. I like everybody as a person unless they piss me off (Charles.). Recently, he sent me a friend request on Facebook, and I later found myself on his website.
http://www.waynegladstone.com/
I read through some of his publications. All the ones on Cracked. I was stonefaced pretty much the whole time I was reading. I love comedy, and I’m not really a tough critic, but I just found nothing funny about what he wrote. Except, of course, “Caring for your pet Aiken.”
http://www.cracked.com/article_15264_caring-your-pet-aiken.html
But not laughing at any of his stuff made me realize “wow. This guy is truly not funny.” So that’s why I pick on Gladstone.
And I saw Tropic Thunder in the theater. As far as the ticket people are concerned, however, Me and my two friends endured a showing of Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
actually, obama did vote for late-term abortion. he stated that if he’d voted against it we’d be on a slippery slope to outlaw all abortions. the procedure is to take a late-term baby, that would be one that is viable outside the womb, pull it partially outside the mother (they have to leave the head in or killing it otherwise would be considered murder), puncturing the skull and removing the brains. the baby is then fully removed and tossed in the trash. this isn’t right-wing, christian wacko propanda but the actually procedure. look it up. other than that, yeah, she’s wacko. but understand that you can’t judge all republicans by a few people and neither can you judge all democrats as the same. every group has their extremists that the press loves to parade because it makes a story. most folks in the country are normal middle of the road, good decent people democrat or republican. so to john’s ” but at least i am not a fucking republican piece of shit like you”. asshole, go fuck yourself, your part of the problem.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
um, before you become my facebook friend, be sure to ask yourself — are you trying to DOB’s friend?
dan wrote this blog. not me.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Eat shit, fucking Republican scumbag.
I don’t like Roseanne either, but at least I am not a fucking Republican piece of shit like you.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Not to be a buzz kill, or anything, but can we be done soon with the whole baby-brain suckage crap. It’s just that it’s mostly guys discussing it and regardless of whatever reference source you go to, ya ain’t never gonna get it.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
As a huge fan of both Roseanne and Angelina it is so disheartening to read this. I truely believe they are both wonderful people in there own ways. Roseanne is famous for speaking her mind. THAT is why I love her. Even if I do not agree with what she is saying I do believe that she has the right(given by the first ammendment) to say what SHE wants to say on HER blog. If you don’t like it then here is an idea…..don’t read it. She may not be the most classy or slim person on the earth but that is what makes her her. I can’t tell you how many times her humor has helped me make it through the day. She may not go and rescue infants from other countries but she sure helps a young stressed out Mother laugh when sometimes I feel like there is nothing more to laugh about. I think it is sad that people like you have nothing better to do then call someone who speaks their mind a pig. She is a person like you and me and she has a right to her opinion. Just because her views are not the same as yours dosen’t give you the right to call her a pig. Now that is my opinion go ahead and slam me for it because just like Roseanne I don’t give a fuck!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Very funny. Not to be too much of a nitpicker, but believe it or not the babies and brain sucking is actually true. Its called intact dilation and evacuation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intact_dilation_and_extraction
August 26th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
@ DP
Hey man, don’t knock Gladstone. He’s a funny guy, HBN is really stepping up, and if that wasn’t enough he shares my first name. Gladstone is a cool guy. Awesome article, btw.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Aloha DP!
Glad to see you got out of the house and saw a movie (or did you watch it online..I did.) What’s up with picking on Gladstone? One minute you like him, the next, well, not so much. Is it because he didn’t adopt your nickname? Was it you who sabotaged his diggs? Poor guy’s been through alot this week.
@Pancaks: Exactly. Ignore the trolls.
@moxley: I revisited Roseanne’s site and she spouts so much incoherent, mindless gibberish it’s pathetic. You really do need that doobie if that’s how you’re going to spend your time…
August 26th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
lmao.
omfg.
Fucking. Hilarious.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
DOB I believe you forgot that indeed the poor are a race. Did you see the homeless people south park episode? They’re like zombies man, except for instead of brains they feed off of pocket change.
And as a religion, they worship the state and its wonderful welfare provisions. Much like christians pray for money and healing, the poor go to the state for handouts and health care.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
lmao I don’t blame you. Almost anything I find boring, I usually blame him for it.
I don’t like you, Gladstone.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
DP13, you are correct…
My apologies to you.
Gladstone still sucks and this crap was so bad I thought it was him.
/wipes egg off face.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I never liked Rossane but I did watch her sitcom. What I often wonder is, What the hell makes these people experts on anything. Frankly, I’m not interested in what she has to say. And (sorry) I don’t care what DOB thinks either. I was not ammused by this column.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Oh. So she’s still alive, then?
Fuck.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
@josie, I know right?
@glendoor, I appreciate the sage wisdom. I have been going about this all wrong…I have to go feed some children in the third world.(and by 3 rd world children, i mean inexpensive hookers, and by feed, I mean…here’s a hint, charles has never done this with a woman.)
@GG if you need somewhere to live, you can move into my place. I don’t have a leprechaun, I do have a monster that lives under my bed.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I am not a big fan of Rosanne, but I think you missed the sardonic nature of her posts.
She also made a lot of good points, and some of that shit she said is painfully true….
You sir, kind of sound like a whiny bitch who has a grudge against Rosanne…Some of that shit was pretty damn funny that she wrote..time to twist up a fatty and head over to her site.
Why is it that when people diss her they’re always referring to her weight?
She is a crazy fuck, but crazy as in crazy enough to say whatever the fuck she feels - the fact that she actually has half a brain makes her shit kind of funny.
I think I am going to have to check out her Blog…But I dig cracked.com too….Just use your writing skill for something original…next time if you’re gonna skewer some celebrity, riff on some overexposed piece of shit that actually deserves it.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
RatStone. Are you aware that Gladstone did not write this blog?
You’re an idiot.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
She reminds me of my stepmom, unfortunately she was a psychotic and liked to spend time trying to kill people in her spare time…. yup she definately reminds me of my stepmom
August 26th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
What the hell is a turkey taco and where can I get one?
August 26th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Rosanne Barr is a piece of crap, good to see someone tearing her down, bad to see anyone giving her undeserved attention.
With that said, I dislike this guy, seriously, he’s not funny at all…
His attempts at ridicule in all his “blogs”, or WTFever these diatribes of doldrum are supposed to be, come off:
#1 not funny
#2 gets these pieces published because he’s related to someone.
If he can actually take credit for “Hamgina” and “piglicity” then he has earned some respect.
Unfortunately, given his consistent “lack O’ funny” ™, I’m going to guess that this lil’ feller borrowed an instant classic.
Good luck, Gladstone, here’s hoping you find the funny that 99.9% of your pieces are clearly lacking.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
She is the only one with enough courage to tell America what America doesn’t want hear but doeas everyday.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Oh, and Shana. I’m having a bit of an identity crisis now. Because of you. I don’t fit in either of those categories. I don’t hate DOB. He’s my favorite blogger. So there’s the first category that I don’t fit in. The second. Well… As much as I like you DOB, I honestly don’t “desperately want you to fuck me.”
Sorry, man.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Try this on for size, its working for me. Everytime Charles says something retarded, insane, or just generally asshatical (yes I had to make a word for it), instead of calling him on it in a reply, build a house of cards. I’ve nearly finished main street for Bicycleburg (it was the card brand), just need a damn post office.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Wow. I leave to see Tropic Thunder and a lot of shit goes down. I’ll start with DOB because he’s my favorite blogger.
Dan, my man, that’s exactly why I was going to adopt a kid. So I could be drivin’ in my Jeep Wrangler, listening to Incubus on my way to my frat’s showing of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and all the bitches would be all “That a baby?” and I’d be like “yeah” and I’d slip a roofie in their Diet Coke, cuz that’s how I roll.
Gladstone: Shut up.
Pogue: The Charles in Charge reference was “fucking win, bro.”
Charles: Fuck you, I like josie. And actually, I hope you DO break your dick off in some dude’s gaping asshole.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
@tshp
you could just wear your tighty whiteys, not bathe, no hat and spend $25.00 on a hooker and get the same end results with a lot less complications.
I’m just saying is all.
P.S. wear a condom.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
@tshp You are the definition of chivalry. I wouldn’t worry too much about DOB. He’s a big boy, with working male organs. Crooked penis and shriveled nut boy, on the other hand, can only dream (apparently) of anal penetration.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Wow, what an interesting … person?
I assume that as her autobiography is called ‘Roseanne: My Life as a Woman’ there’s going to be a sequel later on…
August 26th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
@charles: I will hurt you if you don’t leave DOB alone. Do you realize what he has done? There are chicks, people with titties and vaginas, on cracked. Do you know what that means?
It means that one day, I won’t have to put on Tommy Hilfinger boxers, too much colone and a baseball hat with a flat brim turned sideways just so I can get into a club and spend $100 to get a chick drunk so I can have sex with her. It means one day, I can have sex with a chick who I actually like! (for reasons other than she is willing to have sex with me)
Don’t, don’t take away that dream charles, please. You just don’t realize how much words can hurt.
@josie, greengoddess, mj-89, shana, lilmoof…thank you for restoring my hope in the female gender.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Yeah, I just want to point out that partial birth abortion does involve sucking out the baby’s brain and is legally allowed only when the mother’s health is threatened.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Are there any hackers who could take down the wopig’s blog?
August 26th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Oh, Daniel O’Brien, your writings just make my life for the 3-5 minutes it takes me to read them.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
You have a problem with her spelling but a few grammatical errors made it past your spell check…. who’s/whose just to name one. Two others noted but I’m sure you’ll find them.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
The sad comment on our society is that the best entertainers are the mentally ill ones. 20 years ago, Ms. Barr was funny. She was so funny that she got her own sitcom. Her mental state began to slide at that point and it’s been a slo-mo car wreck ever since. At least she is only doing a “blog” so the rest of us can easily ignore her.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Just to point out, Denver DID build additional cages in a warehouse as a sort of temporary holding cell for people who get out of hand at the convention. Some call it a concentration camp, some (like you) say it isn’t there, but just for factual purposes, you should know that there is something there to hold “criminals”.
Also, have you never heard of partial-birth abortion? They DO literally scrape the brains out of the baby’s head after stabbing a hole in it with scissors or a sharp tool. They do this after breech birthing the baby (breeching it on purpose mind you), and leaving just the head in the womb. Yes, the rest of the baby’s entire body is born and flailing about in the air, then the doctor does his work. Look it up, man. Seriously, that is a messed up practice.
Oh, and I do agree, Roseanne is crazy!
August 26th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Seriously whatever happened to celebrities who once their time had past just rode off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again except for occasional appearances at the grand opening of a new wal-mart or chevy dealership?
August 26th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Oh, yeah sorry about your roof greengoddess, hope you are doing ok.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Charles, get a job man. You have anger issues.
Sincerely,
A partially aborted, yet deliriously happy,
jo
August 26th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Jimmy Buffet rules!!!!! Boobies!!!!!!
August 26th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
It’s “there,” Charles. You mean to say that them bitches was “lying there passed out from too much Fleishman’s [sic] vodka.” If you’re not careful, Charles, you just might look ridiculous.
Shana rules.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Yeah good call Shana, I’m totally jealous of Dan. He reminds me of that guy I went to high school with who had a funny joke for every situation. Usually it was an Adam Sandler movie reference, specifically: “O’Doyle rules!”And yeah, girls were always talking to him instead of me. Well, not so much talking as lying their passed out from too much Fleishman’s vodka and schwag weed while he “was all over those titties, bro”. Every day I would go home and pray that my parents would buy me a Jeep Wrangler and some cargo shorts, so I could be as awesome as he was.
I think I’ll go look through my old yearbooks now.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Wow, thats the hardest I’ve laughed for a while. Nice one DOB
August 26th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
DOB said :
“I have my dick in a can of Red Bull right now.”
Your dick might have wings but those cans are tiny!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I find the affect you have on people amusing, Dan. There are really two kinds of people who post on your blog. The first kind hate you because they’re jealous and you remind them of that guy they went to high school with who always had a funny joke for everything. Girls were usually talking to him instead of them. The second kind find your articles amusing and over praise you because they desperately want you to fuck them. That’s just my theory.
Not that I didn’t find this article entertaining, I just don’t think it is as great as your fan boy/girl/she-males claim it to be.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
The fuck is going on here?
August 26th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Josie, you are a partial birth abortion. I WILL be a eunuch after my cock and balls break off in your gaping asshole.
Afghan Whig, you suck. And so does that band.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
“You, Roseanne Barr, don’t rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite?”
I’ll have you know that a very young and very handsome George Clooney played Roseanne’s boss, Booker, on Roseanne during the late 80’s and/or early 90’s. So she HAS rubbed elbows with him, motherfucker. This is why his elbows still smell like bacon fat to this day.
Oh, and Roseanne was pretty funny for the first half of its run, you douchebag.
I hate you DOB, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Not everyone can have incredible abs like yours, but that does not make them bad people.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Loved the last part of the blog.
Jesus: “She’s bringing ME into this? That little pig bitch.” XDXDXD
Jeez I knew that Roseanne was an ignorant, uneducated cretin but I never knew that it was to this level.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Despite that, Gladstone, you’re still a funny motherfucker. Let’s squash this silly fued.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Gladstone, so help me, if you disparage the name of Jimmy Buffet one more time, I’ll… I’ll… well, I think you can tell by my sputteringly frustrated text that some undisclosed “bad shit” will be comin’ your way. I’m the son of a son of a sailor who just happens to be holding onto a can of whoop-ass with the name GLADSTONE written across it! Watch it, brother!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Hey everybody!!!
What’s the difference between cooking oil and baby oil?
(Sound of slurping and guzziling)
About 10 strokes!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Guys, guys. Please! Show a little compassion for Charles. It’s obvious he’s a boy whose testes have been removed (or for some reason are not functioning properly.) As a castrated man, he desperately seeks attention anyway he can get it. The easiest way, of course is to bash beautiful, successful people who are not eunuchs themselves. His sheer jealousy is palpable. *teardrop*
@greengoddess: sorry about your roof, girl. Way to have a sense of humor. Glad you’re okay. Maybe the guys will throw you (us) a mercy upper-body striptease.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Oh my GOD that was boring. I want my money back!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Jimmy Buffet is the man!
I’m sorry, that should have read: Jimmy Buffet is a man!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
O’Brien’s not frat boy. He discriminates against minorities and gays, but on his own time, with no affiliation to a Greek organization.
And he is CRAZY about Jimmy Buffet.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Oh Charles, you’re so cute when you pretend to be informed.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I love it, but actually….they did make something that resembles concentration camps for protesters.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
DP
Dude, Bro, you should totally fucking adopt a fucking kid. Skanks love kids. If you get a fucking baby, the bitches will come running, man. (TRUST me on this, I’m like the Nostradamus of deep-dicking.) For rizzle, D-Dawg, bitches’ll be all like “Is that a fuckin’ baby?” and you’ll be all “You know it, bitch, now start suckin.” Welcome to Suck City, population Yo’ Dick, My man!
BOOYA!
August 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
DP–
You should totally adopt a kid, just like your heroes, Brangelina, if only to teach the kid the lesson that there are worse things than starving to death with flies in your fridge (?) or whatever…
August 26th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Article: Great!
Comments: Tl;Dr
Anyways, It sounds like she is ALMOST as insane as 4-Chan
That is shocking
Also, don’t call her a pig. They disowned her for a reason, after all
August 26th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Actually, they did build some concentration camps to hold protesters. That wasn’t even hard to find out, they had them on every news station here and in both papers last week.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
PS–
Seriously, am I the only one who can’t fucking stand Brangelina? I liked HER better when she was a incestuous, Billy Bob Thornton-fucking vampire and HE was in True Romance.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Hey Dan “D-Bag” O’Bryan,
Hope you’re not posting all these follow-up comments using your sidekick while racing up the Jersey turnpike in your Jeep Wrangler to meet Brad Pitt at a rest stop for a little gloryhole action. Just watch out for other drivers and, please, turn down the Incubus.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Who is Roseanne Barr? I mean, I know she had a TV show when I was like eight, but I’m out of college now and I am clueless as to why anyone cares about a has-been actress who says mean and nasty things about people she doesn’t know.
She’s just upset cause she’s over weight, unattractive and jobless. So in essences she’s a rag on fire that no one wants to put out.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Pogue, are you familiar with MC Paul Barman?
A little goon
in a locker room
rat-tails the octaroon
he’ll be drinking vodka soon
and his big brothers are frat guys
whose IQs lose to their fitted baseball hat size
Smirkin’ jocks with hackysacks
in Birkenstocks and khaki slacks
You know who else sucks brains out of people? The big brain bugs from Starship Troopers. Could they be the threat that is insinuating itself in modern society? Casper Van Dien would say yes.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:52 am
BLUE SHIRTS AND KHAKI PANTS!!!!! FITTED BASEBALL HATS!!!!!! HOMOEROTICISM!!!!!!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Fucking win? Wha?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Wanted was Want-Fucking-Tastic, bro. I saw that shit in theaters and shit myself and some bitch was like “Ew” and I’m like “Ew you, bitch” and everyone laughed. It was fucking hi-fucking-larious. I’m the man.
I have my dick in a can of Red Bull right now.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Crazier than the person who runs the boytaur website?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:43 am
By the way, Pogue. Fucking win bro.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I have seen that fucking movie, bro. But it doesn’t compare to my stack of ultra violent films like Wanted, Beowulf, and Kung Fu Panda.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I find it odd how people can judge a celebrity on what is reported about them in the “news”. Making violent movies - um…they are actors and that is his/her job. Parading around like Mother Teresa? Not so sure about that either…maybe that is what the “news” wants us to see. Donating a small portion (millions and millions) of their income to benefit others? I will go with the assumption that is true and if they are fuckers and assholes for that I would like to know how much of your income (percentage wise) you donate to charity? What a bizzare reason to hate people that you don’t even know. People iz wierd.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:35 am
this was the funniest thing I have ever read DOB. Sorry for not commenting sooner but im having computer problems.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I think I have all of the women beat on the height thing…I’m 4′10″. Makes DOB a veritable giant in my terms. Oooohhh baby!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Yey for date raping Dane Cook!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Sorry, DP, I couldn’t hear you because I was watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith at top, maximum volume again. Have you seen this fucking movie, bro? It’s so fucking tight, bro, you don’t even know. Me and my bros came up with a drinking game to fucking go along with it, and here’s how it goes: You take a fucking jaeger-bomb every time the movie rocks. You end up getting pissed-shitfaced-wasted in, like, ten minutes because the movie always fucking rocks.
Collar Popping! Skanks! Dane Cook! Cheerleaders in the butt! Date Rape!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:19 am
He he he he, DOB and Charles are fighting. Have you not comprehended, Daniel, that Charles is indeed in charge of our days AND our nights, our wrongs AND our rights. I want Charles in charge of me!
Also, and this is funny but totally true, all of your references to pigs and/or bacon actually made me crave that greatest of breakfast delicacies. I’m off to find some.
Good shit O’briEn.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Are you quite certain that she’s not actually a cow? That would explain her unpatriotic aversion to steak.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Wow, Dan. This guy really doesn’t like you. I’m starting to think he might actually be Roseanne. So I will now refer to him as such.
Listen, Roseanne, you fat fuck. Spelling people’s names wrong is kind of disrespectful, considering his name is plastered over this page at least 50 times. DOB would have worked fine, too, but, maybe you couldn’t spell that either.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
That’s not what I said, Charles. I did not say that kids don’t die here. But could you do me a favor? Go to your fridge. See how it’s got shit in it.
They don’t have shit in their fridges, Charles. They have flies.
I can’t believe you would try to compare the USA to a third world country.
And no. I didn’t say we should do that. I for one, am probably going to in the future, but I didn’t say that would solve anything. You’re just taking my words out of context and trying to make me seem wrong for thinking that two celebrities can do some good things.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Hey Daniel,
Thanks for taking the time between watching “Mr and Mrs Smith” AGAIN and listening to Jack Johnson with your eyes closed (because you’re a Jersey meathead, get it?) to reply to my comment.
Also, thanks for correcting my spelling. God forbid I spell your name wrong, you’re such a famous comedian and all.
Also, I am aware this is a comedy website, which is confusing, because they chose to allow you to post this heavy-handed, thoroughly un-funny piece of turd.
Fuck you.
To be fair, your Mencia thing was kind of funny. But fuck you anyway, frat boy.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:50 am
@Charles
Sigh.
It’s “Brangelina,” with an “n.” And, more importantly, “O’Brien,” with an “e.” Also, it’s a “comedy website” with a “go fuck yourself.”
August 26th, 2008 at 10:29 am
i go to roseanne’s blog just to see what idiocracy she decides to put on there. i find it quite funny.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:08 am
DP13–
Wow, you’re so right, I had no idea kids starve and die in “third world countries”. I’m so glad that never happens here, in America. I guess we should all follow Bragelina’s example and adopt kids from around the world and bring them here, that will solve the whole world hunger epidemic.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:07 am
@ You, Roseanne Barr, don’t rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite?
Well, actually, Clooney was on the show Roseanne back in the day. God damn that I know that.
Oh, and I have a personal grudge with Roseanne: She was doing an interview on a random radio station I had it tuned to, plugging her stand-up in Las Vegas. Then she goes “Call this # to win tickets to Vegas” So I do, and I win, but the details include that, actually, all I’ve basically won is the opportunity to go to Vegas, I would still have to pay for everything. So thanks Roseanne, for telling me I’ve won freewill, but no discernible prize to travel expenses therein. Next she’ll be hawking the ever popular “You’ve won a trip to Hawaii if you build the boat yourself, fucker!” vacation package.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:02 am
No, Charles. But I do know that in third world countries, a shitload of kids die really young. You see, these kids require food to live. And when they don’t have it, as is common in third world countries, THEY DIE.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Actually, a common abortion procedure involves inserting a plastic tube in the base of the fetus’s skull and removing the brain tissue using vacuum pressure - in essense, they do “suck out the brains.” You’re right on just about every other count, but you’re wrong there. They DO suck out the brains in late-term abortions. I would respectfully suggest that you do som