Do you guys remember Roseanne Barr? She was the “actress” and “comedian” who fronted the show Roseanne for a while. I put “comedian” in quotes because I don’t think she’s actually that funny, and “actress” in quotes because I have a pretty sound theory that she’s actually a remarkably well-trained pig.
You can dress a pig up in flannel and give it a sitcom, but that does not make it a human.
Pig theories notwithstanding, Roseanne has made some headlines for herself when she squealed “angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more” on her stupid fucking blog.
To be fair, they are spitting out more dunces. Angelina just gave birth to twins. Fuck those assholes, right? If they really cared about this planet, they’d stop donating a measly few million to charity and instead they’d kill off one of those little womb raiders.
Now, why would Roseanne say these things? Is it because she’s miserable? Is it for Publicity? Is it for Piglicity?! I decided it was my job as someone who genuinely had nothing better to do to dig a little bit deeper into this matter. Since she declined my interview, (and since I never technically asked her for one), I decided to read every post on her blog for two straight weeks. (My dedication to this website is un-fucking-paralleled.)
I can assure you, all of the quotes attributed to Roseanne come directly from her blog. Anything else is merely an attempt by me to interpret her message. I am, we can say, the charming, well-toned Plato to her bitter, doughy Socrates, if you will.
On Jon Voight:
Roseanne:
“jon voight is a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth.”
DOB:
…Okay, without having any recent photographs of Jon Voight at the ready, I can’t exactly refute your claims. I will concede that it’s possible that jon voight is wearing a pink ballet tutu, though I still find that hard to believe. Also, I can see how you might be confused when you see Jon Voight “act like Obama just wandered in from the rain”, and I think I might be able to help you out on this one. Did you see Transformers? In Transformers, he “acted” like the Secretary of Defense, even though he wasn’t actually the Secretary of Defense, just like there weren’t actually a bunch of enormous robot monsters battling each other. See? See how much we’re learning, Roseanne? Let’s keep going.
On Behaving Like a Human:
[A woman wrote to Roseanne defending Brad and Angelina, citing the contributions they've made to charity, ($23 million just this year), and arguing that dubbing Angelina the "spawn of Satan" is, perhaps, unnecessarily harsh. The woman then politely requested that Roseanne apologize to Brad and Angelina. Roseanne reacted just like a totally not crazy human being, saying, (among other things):]
Roseanne:
“You are responsible for every bad thing that happens on this earth…has that ever occurred to you in the least, and if so, do you DO anything to help anyone at all, or speak out for anything at all, or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?”
DOB:
On your mark. Get set. Avoid discussing the many valid points raised in the woman’s email in favor of absurdly spectacular accusations!
Aaand, we’ve got Roseanne by a landslide on that one. She really is a terrifying lunatic! (Also, please take note: It is irresponsible of you as a human being to assume that someone is “fat assed” just because they’re sitting around insulting you. Case in point, the ass upon which I sit all day when I make fun of you is astonishingly well-toned. You can ask anyone.)
On Denver, Colorado:
Roseanne:
“Denver has built concentration camps to hold protesters during the [Democratic National] convention.”
DOB:
No they didn’t. No they didn’t.
On Race, Religion and Poverty:
Roseanne:
“They want to continue their racial holy war against the poor, it pays such great dividends these days.”
DOB:
I’ve got a couple of issues here, so just bear with me a little while. Now, it seems like you’re saying there’s a war against all of the poor people in America. But…uh, ‘Racial holy war against the poor’? Poor isn’t a race, Roseanne… So..so I’m not totally sure how a war against the poor would be racist. I mean, if you automatically assume that all poor people are of a certain race, well, I think that kind of makes you a racist. A little bit. Am…am I getting through at all?
Okay, no.
Because, I mean, Roseanne, it seems like when you hear “poor,” you immediately think of a very specific race. Which, I gotta say, isn’t standard. Because when I think “poor,” for example, the first thing that comes into my head isn’t any one race. It’s “pee pee.” Because poor people very often smell like pee pee.
Moving on, though, this issue is similar. How is this war a ‘holy’ war? “Poor” isn’t a religion either. Is someone trying to convert the poor? To what? Also, who is waging this war against the poor? And how is it paying such ‘great dividends?’ Is there a lot of money to be had in racist holy wars against the defenseless and economically crippled?
Roseanne, I don’t think you’re very bright at all.
On Pro Life:
Roseanne:
“mccain is pro-life and that of course means pro-war! Pro-life means the worship of the holy sanctified fetus and the death of the unholy unsanctified fetus.”
DOB:
That’s not what Pro-Life means…It just isn’t.
On Pro Choice?:
“I predicted it: Obama’s vote to kill babies born alive after partial birth abortion is the thing republicans have up their sleeve. Michelle [Obama] was the fund raiser that made it possible, and they have her on tape defending women’s right to kill their babies who refuse to die from having their brains sucked out.”
[And again.]
“[Michelle Obama] is on tape defending sucking the brains out of babies who live through late term abortions.”
DOB:
‘Sucking the brains out of babies’? Now, if you’d only said it once, I could understand, but these posts are from two separate days, so just… give me a second here… Oh, okay, I see what’s happening here. It’s zombies. You’re thinking of zombies. Zombies are the ones who feast on brains, not…not abortion doctors. And not Michelle Obama. Look, it’s not clear who exactly you think is harvesting baby brains, but I’ll just save us a lot of trouble and tell you that only zombies are interested in brains, and I have it on good authority that zombies aren’t even an immediate threat for us right now. I’m not sure how you got this issue so tremendously confused, but, there you go.
On Strange Bullshit:
Roseanne:
“all is in the all and the all is in all. ”
DOB:
That’s like six kinds of crazy and there are only five unique words in that entire sentence.
On Things Culinary:
Roseanne:
“tonight is turkey taco night”
DOB:
Bullshit, it’s Friday, Roseanne. Friday is Steak Night. Why do you hate America so much?
On Things to Make Me Vomit:
Roseanne:
“maureen “c-word” dowd she giggles to herself as she clutches and strokes her vibrator about how adept she is at slandering and destroying pro-feminist females who’s clitorises still work right. ”
DOB:
That’s like, seriously, the grossest fucking thing you’ve ever done. I want to tell you a little something about how reading works. When I read a book, I get vivid images based on descriptions in the book in my head. Do…do you see where I’m going with this? So, when you say things like ‘vibrator’ and ‘clitorises,’ you get the reader’s imagination going, you know? We start to picture these things. You realize that, right? That when you say vibrator and clitoris, you’ve successfully just put those images in the minds of your readers? And do you realize that you’re Roseanne Barr, and that now all of these images, (vibrators, aging clitorises, your greasy hamgina) are doing a filthy, sweaty three-person tango in my mind, right? Did you know that? I can’t get these images out of head, Roseanne.
[And, yes, I said "hamgina" because I've yet to see convincing evidence to dispute my "You're Technically a Well-Trained Pig" theory.]
On Totally Shocking Celebrity News:
Roseanne:
“i do not know brangelina and do not mean to personally impugn them as they might be good people in the flesh, but the media’s images of them are smelly and vile.”
DOB:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. You don’t know Brad and Angelina personally? Please, allow me to let this colossal shock set in. You don’t know Brangelina? You, Roseanne Barr, don’t rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite? You mean to say that you’re not invited to all of their swanky wine, cheese and fuck parties?
Goodness, thank you, thank you for pointing out the fact that you don’t know Brangelina as I’d just naturally assumed that you always hang out with them because you’re so relevant and charming and un-swine-like.
(I am making fun of you.)
On The Media:
Roseanne:
“I must always attack the media’s representation of what is good or cool, because those who inhabit the media world of glamour and entertainment and fashion and gossip are horrid people who have no talent of any kind, and yet think of themselves as tastemakers. taste my sandy buttcrack, tmz, and perez!”
DOB:
And there you go. Making me want to puke all over again. I don’t know why your butt crack is sandy, that’s your business and, frankly, I find it horrifying.
On Pissing Me Off With Spelling:
Roseanne:
“I think elizabeth hasselberg is a f’r s’re closet case that wants to get whipped by sherri shepherd in a black corset while old babs slaps a riding crop on both of their exposed butt-oxes.”
DOB:
Let me just catch up here while I wade through the series of consonants you decided to jam into your first sentence…Is that ‘for sure’? Is that what you’re trying to say? Why would…That’s… ‘F’r s’re’ is the exact same amount of letters, I don’t understand why you would do that. I hate you. I’m out.
On Jesus:
Roseanne:
“jesus said in these days: “they will swallow camels and strain at gnats”.
Whatever Jesus puts into my heart and tells me to be brave enough to say I will say.”
Jesus:
She’s bringing me into this? That little pig bitch…
There you have it. My final review on the blog? If you’re one of those people who, when faced with a terribly complex problem, decides to come up with an overly simplistic yet shockingly misguided and uninformed solution, Roseanne’s blog sounds right up your stupid fucking alley. If not, you can skip it and just go back to the way things used to be, (i.e., about a week ago when you either forgot Roseanne existed or assumed she’d politely and gracefully died of bacon-related complications years ago).
*UPDATE*: I made an account for and was subsequently banned from the Roseanne Barr forums. Neat!
This entry was posted on Friday, August 22nd, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under Internet, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 26th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Lol I was “like LOZ WTF Satrevi!”
Really funny article. I had no idea she was such a dumbass.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:25 am
DAMN! Sorry about that post folks. I only meant to highlight the part where Jesus complains about the pig bitch bringing him into this.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:24 am
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Dan O’Brien Reviews Roseanne Barr’s Blog
* By: Daniel O’Brien
* August 22nd, 2008
* 8,563 views
Do you guys remember Roseanne Barr? She was the “actress” and “comedian” who fronted the show Roseanne for a while. I put “comedian” in quotes because I don’t think she’s actually that funny, and “actress” in quotes because I have a pretty sound theory that she’s actually a remarkably well-trained pig.
You can dress a pig up in flannel and give it a sitcom, but that does not make it a human.
Pig theories notwithstanding, Roseanne has made some headlines for herself when she squealed “angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more” on her stupid fucking blog.
To be fair, they are spitting out more dunces. Angelina just gave birth to twins. Fuck those assholes, right? If they really cared about this planet, they’d stop donating a measly few million to charity and instead they’d kill off one of those little womb raiders.
Now, why would Roseanne say these things? Is it because she’s miserable? Is it for Publicity? Is it for Piglicity?! I decided it was my job as someone who genuinely had nothing better to do to dig a little bit deeper into this matter. Since she declined my interview, (and since I never technically asked her for one), I decided to read every post on her blog for two straight weeks. (My dedication to this website is un-fucking-paralleled.)
I can assure you, all of the quotes attributed to Roseanne come directly from her blog. Anything else is merely an attempt by me to interpret her message. I am, we can say, the charming, well-toned Plato to her bitter, doughy Socrates, if you will.
On Jon Voight:
Roseanne:
“jon voight is a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth.”
DOB:
…Okay, without having any recent photographs of Jon Voight at the ready, I can’t exactly refute your claims. I will concede that it’s possible that jon voight is wearing a pink ballet tutu, though I still find that hard to believe. Also, I can see how you might be confused when you see Jon Voight “act like Obama just wandered in from the rain”, and I think I might be able to help you out on this one. Did you see Transformers? In Transformers, he “acted” like the Secretary of Defense, even though he wasn’t actually the Secretary of Defense, just like there weren’t actually a bunch of enormous robot monsters battling each other. See? See how much we’re learning, Roseanne? Let’s keep going.
On Behaving Like a Human:
[A woman wrote to Roseanne defending Brad and Angelina, citing the contributions they've made to charity, ($23 million just this year), and arguing that dubbing Angelina the "spawn of Satan" is, perhaps, unnecessarily harsh. The woman then politely requested that Roseanne apologize to Brad and Angelina. Roseanne reacted just like a totally not crazy human being, saying, (among other things):]
Roseanne:
“You are responsible for every bad thing that happens on this earth…has that ever occurred to you in the least, and if so, do you DO anything to help anyone at all, or speak out for anything at all, or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?”
DOB:
On your mark. Get set. Avoid discussing the many valid points raised in the woman’s email in favor of absurdly spectacular accusations!
Aaand, we’ve got Roseanne by a landslide on that one. She really is a terrifying lunatic! (Also, please take note: It is irresponsible of you as a human being to assume that someone is “fat assed” just because they’re sitting around insulting you. Case in point, the ass upon which I sit all day when I make fun of you is astonishingly well-toned. You can ask anyone.)
On Denver, Colorado:
Roseanne:
“Denver has built concentration camps to hold protesters during the [Democratic National] convention.”
DOB:
No they didn’t. No they didn’t.
On Race, Religion and Poverty:
Roseanne:
“They want to continue their racial holy war against the poor, it pays such great dividends these days.”
DOB:
I’ve got a couple of issues here, so just bear with me a little while. Now, it seems like you’re saying there’s a war against all of the poor people in America. But…uh, ‘Racial holy war against the poor’? Poor isn’t a race, Roseanne… So..so I’m not totally sure how a war against the poor would be racist. I mean, if you automatically assume that all poor people are of a certain race, well, I think that kind of makes you a racist. A little bit. Am…am I getting through at all?
Okay, no.
Because, I mean, Roseanne, it seems like when you hear “poor,” you immediately think of a very specific race. Which, I gotta say, isn’t standard. Because when I think “poor,” for example, the first thing that comes into my head isn’t any one race. It’s “pee pee.” Because poor people very often smell like pee pee.
Moving on, though, this issue is similar. How is this war a ‘holy’ war? “Poor” isn’t a religion either. Is someone trying to convert the poor? To what? Also, who is waging this war against the poor? And how is it paying such ‘great dividends?’ Is there a lot of money to be had in racist holy wars against the defenseless and economically crippled?
Roseanne, I don’t think you’re very bright at all.
On Pro Life:
Roseanne:
“mccain is pro-life and that of course means pro-war! Pro-life means the worship of the holy sanctified fetus and the death of the unholy unsanctified fetus.”
DOB:
That’s not what Pro-Life means…It just isn’t.
On Pro Choice?:
Roseanne:
“I predicted it: Obama’s vote to kill babies born alive after partial birth abortion is the thing republicans have up their sleeve. Michelle [Obama] was the fund raiser that made it possible, and they have her on tape defending women’s right to kill their babies who refuse to die from having their brains sucked out.”
[And again.]
“[Michelle Obama] is on tape defending sucking the brains out of babies who live through late term abortions.”
DOB:
‘Sucking the brains out of babies’? Now, if you’d only said it once, I could understand, but these posts are from two separate days, so just… give me a second here… Oh, okay, I see what’s happening here. It’s zombies. You’re thinking of zombies. Zombies are the ones who feast on brains, not…not abortion doctors. And not Michelle Obama. Look, it’s not clear who exactly you think is harvesting baby brains, but I’ll just save us a lot of trouble and tell you that only zombies are interested in brains, and I have it on good authority that zombies aren’t even an immediate threat for us right now. I’m not sure how you got this issue so tremendously confused, but, there you go.
On Strange Bullshit:
Roseanne:
“all is in the all and the all is in all. ”
DOB:
That’s like six kinds of crazy and there are only five unique words in that entire sentence.
On Things Culinary:
Roseanne:
“tonight is turkey taco night”
DOB:
Bullshit, it’s Friday, Roseanne. Friday is Steak Night. Why do you hate America so much?
On Things to Make Me Vomit:
Roseanne:
“maureen “c-word” dowd she giggles to herself as she clutches and strokes her vibrator about how adept she is at slandering and destroying pro-feminist females who’s clitorises still work right. ”
DOB:
That’s like, seriously, the grossest fucking thing you’ve ever done. I want to tell you a little something about how reading works. When I read a book, I get vivid images based on descriptions in the book in my head. Do…do you see where I’m going with this? So, when you say things like ‘vibrator’ and ‘clitorises,’ you get the reader’s imagination going, you know? We start to picture these things. You realize that, right? That when you say vibrator and clitoris, you’ve successfully just put those images in the minds of your readers? And do you realize that you’re Roseanne Barr, and that now all of these images, (vibrators, aging clitorises, your greasy hamgina) are doing a filthy, sweaty three-person tango in my mind, right? Did you know that? I can’t get these images out of head, Roseanne.
[And, yes, I said "hamgina" because I've yet to see convincing evidence to dispute my "You're Technically a Well-Trained Pig" theory.]
On Totally Shocking Celebrity News:
Roseanne:
“i do not know brangelina and do not mean to personally impugn them as they might be good people in the flesh, but the media’s images of them are smelly and vile.”
DOB:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. You don’t know Brad and Angelina personally? Please, allow me to let this colossal shock set in. You don’t know Brangelina? You, Roseanne Barr, don’t rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite? You mean to say that you’re not invited to all of their swanky wine, cheese and fuck parties?
Goodness, thank you, thank you for pointing out the fact that you don’t know Brangelina as I’d just naturally assumed that you always hang out with them because you’re so relevant and charming and un-swine-like.
(I am making fun of you.)
On The Media:
Roseanne:
“I must always attack the media’s representation of what is good or cool, because those who inhabit the media world of glamour and entertainment and fashion and gossip are horrid people who have no talent of any kind, and yet think of themselves as tastemakers. taste my sandy buttcrack, tmz, and perez!”
DOB:
And there you go. Making me want to puke all over again. I don’t know why your butt crack is sandy, that’s your business and, frankly, I find it horrifying.
On Pissing Me Off With Spelling:
Roseanne:
“I think elizabeth hasselberg is a f’r s’re closet case that wants to get whipped by sherri shepherd in a black corset while old babs slaps a riding crop on both of their exposed butt-oxes.”
DOB:
Let me just catch up here while I wade through the series of consonants you decided to jam into your first sentence…Is that ‘for sure’? Is that what you’re trying to say? Why would…That’s… ‘F’r s’re’ is the exact same amount of letters, I don’t understand why you would do that. I hate you. I’m out.
On Jesus:
Roseanne:
“jesus said in these days: “they will swallow camels and strain at gnats”.
Whatever Jesus puts into my heart and tells me to be brave enough to say I will say.”
Jesus:
She’s bringing me into this? That little pig bitch…
X’D
You made me laugh pretty hard at that one. >:ID>
July 21st, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I’m not sure if anyone’s mentioned this already, since there are far more comments here then I’d like to read through…. but there is in fact a method of abortion that literally involves “sucking the brains out” of fetuses. It’s known as Partial-Birth abortion.
Scroll down to “At 30 Weeks” in the link provided under my name.
June 15th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Lame. I loved that show. She’s not that bad, aside from her atrocious writing.
June 10th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Does anyone realise that pigs are incredibly smart? Studies have found their actually smarter that dogs, dolphins and super apes and all the other animals we consider intelligent. Come now, lets leave off pigs, people.
By the way, DOB I want to have your many fat and happy babies.
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
I would have originally gone with The Antichrist. Re-reading this, however, and reading her latest post (”No disrespect intended (especially the kind that’ll get me shot or beheaded), but why do we still call it the Judeo-Christian Tradition?” - equating Jews and Christians with people who conduct beheadings…uh, yeah, because that’s what Jews and Christians DO, right? Behead people? Oh, wait) I’m going to have to go with Barr here.
She has the nerve to leave her three children and the husband who launched her career, then rail against Sarah Palin for “neglecting” her son. She then has a late-in-life baby after reversing her tubal ligation and screwing the 22 year old Limo driver, in a sickening public spectacle, then rail against Brad and Angelina for having only three of their own children. She made a fortune off characters that were invented by her and her SISTER, then refused to share the credit or the money with said sister, instead choosing to fabricate tales of sexual abuse against her family, drag it all into public to take attention away from her trashy public behavior, then wrote it all into a previously funny COMEDY show and make the whole thing a brain-sucking abortion.
13 shades of crazy and a hypocrite? Oh, yes.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Mr. O’Brien,
Having recently compared your articles to the online madness of Ms. Barr, I cannot help but visualise a thought experiment as I try to wipe the vomit from my keyboard: Imagine you have a .44 milimeter handgun in your hands which contains only one bullet. If given the oppurtunity to shoot Miley Cyrus, Roseanne Barr or the Antichrist (assuming the other two individuals are NOT the antichrist) who would you kill?
March 4th, 2009 at 8:43 am
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March 4th, 2009 at 8:21 am
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February 18th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Roseanne:
“I think elizabeth hasselberg is a f’r s’re closet case that wants to get whipped by sherri shepherd in a black corset while old babs slaps a riding crop on both of their exposed butt-oxes.”
butt-oxes?
February 18th, 2009 at 2:08 am
[...] Interesting Way To Pass Your Time In Nida on February 17, 2009 at 8:05 am I was reading an article by Dan O’Brien (one of my favorite writers over at Cracked.com) about Roseanne Barr’s [...]
January 19th, 2009 at 12:22 am
“or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?”
Has it occured to Roseanne that:
a) this is exactly what she is doing, and
b) she is not a celebrity.
January 7th, 2009 at 4:14 am
“mccain is pro-life and that of course means pro-war! Pro-life means the worship of the holy sanctified fetus and the death of the unholy unsanctified fetus.”
I… I just… What? When did this happen exactly? I knew she was crazy when she decided she could act but at what point did she think that this sort of verbal diarrhea was what the gentle internet public wanted to hear? (I’m being sarcastic kind of about the gentle internets… shutup.) Not a damn word in the entirety of her blog makes any fucking sense and including Jesus just makes me cry a little.
I’m totally with the DOB on the “Rosanne is a well-trained pig” notion.
December 25th, 2008 at 8:01 am
You D O’Brien should be president. Not that you are qualified at all, but because it would make it really really easy for me to wake up each morning and watch the news.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Dan O’brien, I would officially like to see you naked.
December 11th, 2008 at 5:15 am
Although Roseanne can be abrasive and sometimes hard to get along with, she is an inspiration. Not only has she done so much for the empowerment of women, but she has also helped the working-class and gay community. Her sitcom remains one of the greatest television has ever seen, and always ranked in the Top-5 most watched shows for 6 years. For many years it was the #1 sitcom on television.
Her blogs may be a little nutty from time to time, but she often brings a unique perspective along with some great points. My admiration for Roseanne, all she has accomplished and the barriers she broke down will never go away, no matter what she says on her blog. I hope she never shuts up and continues to be around for many years to come.
I love you Roseanne!
December 6th, 2008 at 6:30 am
To Evan:
While it’s true they’re both writing their opinions, there’s a difference to Dan’s informed opinion (that means views based on facts and common sense) and Rosanne’s stupidity coupled with renown (being stupid and also well known).
Notice this blog isn’t, other than the pig comment, really insulting her. Just pointing out that what she says tends to be uninformed, stupid, and forceful.
November 28th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Hey Evan, shut up.
November 25th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Ah, get over it you pathetic hypocrite. What makes what you have to say more interesting or ‘right’ than what she has to say. I’m not saying I agree with her but she didn’t ask you to read her blog, if you don’t like it don’t read it! She has a right to her opinions on Brad and Angelina just like you have your opinions about her. Dont get all high and mighty. All you do is talk shit on people all day which…coincidentaly is what Roseanne does too!
November 4th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I really hate Roseanne Barr with a passion! She has the most irritating voice I have ever heard, and she isn’t even funny. Honestly I think she just says the things she says so people don’t forget she exist…………I really wish I could forget she existed.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Oh, please. Don’t get me started. She bans people at her blog. That’s right, bans! You were banned? Me too. Where is her freedom of speech at her own blog?
October 20th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I know her personally…and I no longer associate with her for a few reasons. She is extremely shallow…she possesses a great deal of hate…and she is very bitter at all of Hollywood and overall the American people because she has been “black-balled” and has to perform in the UK because she is not liked enough here in the US. Oh yeah, she had to cut her Vegas show SHORT because she was losing money. LOL I cannot believe how destitute she has become. I have been inside her circle and she has done things that would shock you. She is using her sitcom as a way to get her “message” out for working families and the poor and she really doesn’t even give a damn. SAD. If she really cared…well, I better stop there. I just know that the show was a great one and a lot of us will always love that, but she as a person, is pitiful. I don’t know how I would live if I had so much hate and unhappiness in my life. *SHUDDERS* She needs mental help to rehabilitate herself and to find some type of centering within her life. She tells everyone she is a psychic and that she has mystical powers…LOL…and then, she says something completely different the next day. What happened to people knowing when it was time to hang it up? Poor Roseanne…I am glad to not be associated with her any longer. Mean, rude, selfish…you get the picture. Dan O’Brien deserves great credit for calling out all of this and the crazy thing is this: ALL TRUE. RUN AND TELL THAT!
October 10th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Who is really to blame for the housing bubble bursting?
Watch this video and find out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqbgcejIT_k
October 10th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
She has some interesting political links.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
OMG … I splurted pepsi out my nose reading all this.
Hard to tell who likes who and who is the funniest, but I will be returning on a regular basis for all the insanity and leprechauns and zombies.
And cause we seem to be sharing, I am a chick and and 5′9″.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
‘Cause, you know, the whole “Actually/Did you know we suck the brains of unborn babies AND IT’S REALLY TRUE PROVEN BY SCIENCE” hasn’t been ground into everyone’s skulls at this point.
Yes. We know. We know like nobody’s business. We know that everyone knows, and everyone knows we know it. We’re very knowledgeable right now.
I mean, really, it’s true that the number of comments of this article is about ready to reach critical mass, but is it that hard to make sure you’re not parroting a dozen other random posters?
Oh, and I know next to nothing about Roseanne, having never given her the time of day, but I found the article and associated commentary to be hilarious.
Good boy, DOB, here’s a biscuit for you.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
a third trimester abortion involved crushing the fetus’ skull and sucking out the bone fragments so that the fetus will fit down the birth canal easier.
I believe this is what she is referring to when she talks about the brain sucking/Obama thing
September 6th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Roseanne Barrnold. She’s crazy?? What a shocker! Why are you bothering to pick the low-hanging fruit?
September 6th, 2008 at 3:18 am
God there is so much butthurt in these comments. “Waaaah why do you pick on her. I’m never coming to cracked again!”
This isn’t livejournal, and no one gives a fuck if you don’t like the author, because if you don’t like this website due to articles like this then you aren’t the target audience anyway.
September 5th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Step one: Murder poor people by, I don’t know, causing hurricanes by not signing the Kyoto Protocol or something. Step three: Profit!
The humor is somewhat undermined by the likelyhood that Roseanne has genuine mental problems.
Does Margaret Cho still have a blog?
September 5th, 2008 at 6:33 am
Thanks from this side of the pond for the lovely laugh on a Friday afternoon. “Piglicity” may just take on a life of it’s own now. I predict we will be hearing the world over by the end of the decade.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:02 am
Do you think my catholic school would be pissed if I told them that Daniel O’Brien was Jesus or is that just a known fact?
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:00 am
[...] week, Dan O’Brien poked a little fun at me in his Roseanne article by dropping my Facebook link and beseeching the Cracked readers to befriend me. I chuckled and got [...]
August 31st, 2008 at 11:06 pm
they did kinda build concentration camps in denver. chain link cells with no access to any kind of restroom is pretty primitive. but they probably don’t have gas showers. probably.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
you know roseanne is going to blog about this, don’t you? also, i lol’ed for “is it for piglicity?!”
shayn n.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
haha! i like this one: http://www.roseanneworld.com/blog/2008/08/repiglicans.php
August 30th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Damn; disappear for a while and you miss all sorts of shit. Ok, Josie; what’s the difference?
August 30th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I can’t believe there are still posts being made on this blog.
Charles reminds me of Dan The Man. Hmm…..
“I respect G-Balls as a writer, and I have no personal problem with him, I just hate him. Personally.”
That made me laugh so fucking bad. Like really bad. Like I’m still laughing.
However, G-Stone is my ‘homeboi’ and therefore I feel the need to point out his awesome funniness even though the issue has clearly already resolved itself. He uses the word Fedex as a verb which I find hilarious. Crazy Americans!
Oh and Glendoor is also hilarious. Almost as hilarious and Kingmonkey’s rapididly changing name (King of the Monkeys was still my fave, btw) Someone should give Glendoor his own blog already. Dooooo iiitttt!!!
August 29th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
By the way, check your messages.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Not on your wall. In a message.
August 29th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
[...] report here. Or you can cut directly to the [...]
August 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Oh right, and in your case i sent the friend request after you wrote “HBN Sucks” on my wall.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
@DP
Wow. Just wow. Now that i know whou are I know why I sent you a friend request. Everyone once in awhile when someone is particularly irksome or rude and send me hatemail, I respond by sending them a friend request. It’s a facetious gesture. Like, you hate me? Well i LOVE you.
In any event, you apparently accepted the request. How very cool of you.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
No, but it does make a humor blog, which is what this is.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Ummm…I don’t know how much Mr. Gladstone knows about partial birth abortions…but the doctors do literally suck the brains out of the baby, usually while it’s body has been passed through the womb and the head is still in it…nice huh?
Also, posting observations does not make you a writer.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Oh, thanks, Gladstone. I sent you the thing, btw.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
The left has Roseanne Barr, the right has Ann Coulter. I love the two-party system, don’t you?
August 29th, 2008 at 10:38 am
That still doesn’t answer my question about Gladstones age. Dan makes me giggle. And it’s a common law of the Internet; pics or it didn’t happen. So according to science, Dan does not have great abs.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:42 am
oh and DP. drop me a line and let me know who you are on facebook so i can understand how i could have sent you a friend request. And no, you haven’t offended me. at all. you’re just a douchebag.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:41 am
It’s come to my attention that some people who read the internet are very, very dumb. I mean, even dumber than I thought.
So even though I shouldn’t have to say this, I’m going to:
I’m much younger than Glendoor.
I own no Eve 6
DOB’s abs are pale, white, and flabby.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Damn, I could’ve swore it was because he was a highlander. Wasn’t that you swinging a katana around by apartment complex at all those ethnic people last night Gladstone?
August 29th, 2008 at 2:12 am
Well, that explains why his looks just scream Funny.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:49 am
Way off, Sarge, Gladstone is 108 years old. He hides it well because he has a crippling addiction to plastic surgery.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Gladstone is 45.Way older than even me.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
This was actually not that great. Not because I dislike making fun of others - That’s easily overcome- but because this just seemed really boring.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Roseanne:
“…do you DO anything to help anyone at all, or speak out for anything at all, or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?”
Wait, what is it again the Roseanne does besides sitting on her fat ass and telling off celebrities for having babies and only giving a couple million dollars to charity… ?
Oh, as for partial-birth abortions .. Um yeah the baby’s head is split open with surgical scissors and the brains are vacuumed out, so she is right on that one.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Isn’t Gladstone only like 30-something?
August 28th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
“Even though I think that Sgt Glendoor42 is, without equal, the funniest person on the blog,”
Well thank you, even if you and I both know that’s not true. I’m not funnier than any of the bloggers and as far as commentators go, I would think that distinction would belong to kingmonkey, Emperor of the potato, fire monkey, zombie people, Esq.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
G-Balls. Fuck yes.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Well if Alex Jones said it, you know its true.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Even though I think that Sgt Glendoor42 is, without equal, the funniest person on the blog, I also think Gladstone is incredibly funny, and man whose humor is matched only by his age, (Gladstone is remarkably old), or, perhaps, by his love of Eve 6, (Gladstone loves Eve 6 to a disturbing degree).
I respect G-Balls as a writer, and I have no personal problem with him, I just hate him. Personally.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I’ll do it for you, glendoor. Also because I have a feeling I might have offended Gladstone.
I’m sorry, Gladstone. I’m a bit opinionated.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
truly a vile and disgusting woman
August 28th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Even though funny is subjective, DP13, give Gladstone a chance, He’s really quite the humorous individual. Go back and reread or watch and read some of his earlier posts(though I think his newer stuff is just as good) and you might change your mind.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I love Gladstone and Dan. Dan, why are you always hating on Gladstone? You should respect your elders.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
See, in my opinion, that rant about Gladstone being funny, was funnier than Gladstone.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Gladstone is funny, he’s funny as shit. Hell, just look at him, he just screams funny and that’s not even counting his writings and HBN and shit. They’re damn funny too.
Don’t give up on yourself G-stone, you’re funny, damn funny, damn fucking funny. Damn fucking funny with a capital F, damn fucking Funny with two capital F’s, one for the Funny and one for the Fucking.
I really mean this. Did I say I think you’re funny? You’re Fucking A Funny. That’s three capital letters worth of Funny. Seriously!
August 28th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Yeah. Friend request. On facebook. You sent it to me.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Guys, i feel bad about not letting you know i’m not funny. It should have come from me. It was wrong to let DP 13 break the news to you.
OH, and DP. Friend request?
August 28th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
So… Because you disagree with Roseanne, people think you eat turkey tacos with Rush Limbaugh. Got it.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
@DP13 (Re: “Why does everyone think you’re a Republican?”)
I was actually wondering this myself. I think it’s because much of Roseanne’s blog are, almost unanimously, extremely far left, (except her stance on Turkey Taco Night, which is actually unwaveringly conservative to a fault).
And I made it very clear that I don’t agree with Roseanne. Some people perhaps have decided to run with it:
-Roseanne is Far Left.
-DOB disagrees with her.
-DOB disagrees with all leftist/liberal/democratic principles and dines with Rush Limbaugh.
This is, as near as I can tell, absurd, but it makes sense because it fits in with the “you’re-either-this-or-that”, black-and-white divisionist thinking that guides Roseanne’s blog. If that’s the conclusion they want to draw, that’s fine. I tried to be clear: I’m not anti-liberal or anti-left or anti-democrats, I am just firmly and unabashedly anti-Roseanne.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.” _Mel Brooks
August 28th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Charles:
Well, that’s how humor works for most people. Homer said something like “It’s funny ’cause I don’t know the guy”. The Boondocks and Millard Fillmore don’t have jokes either, so you only like one if you’re a liberal or the other if you’re conservative. The article above contains a lot of real one-liners, so it does pass as humor and not just commentary.
So, Charles, pound some sand and lighten up.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Sounds like a whole-grain type of bread. Delicious…
August 28th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Can we just combine Brangelina with hamgina and make it Branhamgina. That seems to go together quite well.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Charles, if you dislike Dan so much, why are you so dedicated to posting in this blog?
August 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Shut your face, Charles. We’ve had enough of you.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
There is only humor in this article if you already don’t like Roseanne (which is random, I mean she’s practically retired), because it’s really poorly written and weak. DOBs commentary consists of: “she’s fat” and just plain negation (Denver: “no they didn’t”, Pro-Choice “that’s not what it means, it just isn’t”).
August 28th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
i lost it at “un-swine-like”. I’ve hated the woman since the first time i heard her cackle after the theme song ended. good to see that even when you’re as forgotten and worthless as Roseanne, you can still be taken down a notch.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I don’t care if this makes DOB a republican or not this shit was f*cking funny!!!! That woman is psychotic and I agree with metalbrainsurgery I highly doubt these are actual opinions because I don’t think she is sane enough to form those…she just writes down whatever psycho thought she is having at the moment.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I don’t think Roseanne has oppions, so much as phsycotic fits. Opinions are pre thought out and simi logical.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:38 am
CraigH, Roseanne would have to be some kind of Aphrodite-level attractive for me to honour her opinions.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:19 am
I happen to know that Dan is a member of good standing of the Bull Moose party.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
DOB, I had to read this article again. Not because I wanted to, but because I don’t understand how making fun of Roseanne Barr makes you a republican. I don’t see anything about your political views, and you really don’t slam her political views either, so where does the republican part come in? The one that so many people are talking about.
And CraigH, it’s not that he doesn’t “find her ‘attractive’ enough to honour her opinions.” It’s just that her opinions are bat-shit crazy. The fat jokes are just a bonus.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
I really, honestly cannot believe that this is published on cracked. Roseanne does tend to rub a lot of people the wrong way, but honestly, I could say that about a lot of outspoken figures in the media. I get it. You think she is too fat to live. You don’t find her “attractive” enough to honour her opinions. And yes, I also get that you’re voting for the next Republican puppet.
All in all, this is the shittiest, most vile retrospective that makes you, and cracked, exactly what you accuse her of being.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Why were you on Roseanne’s TV set, J-Man?
August 27th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
You may have been banned from Roseanne’s blog, but I was kicked off of her TV set. Don’t ask me why I was there to begin with. Please don’t ask me. . .
August 27th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
ShinZaer, read the comments.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
hamgina HAHAHAHAHA
nicee =)
August 27th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Roseanne is just plain crazy
August 27th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
They do have a “concentration camp” type setup in Denver. It was broadcast about on a Denver news network which you can find on youtube.com. After having been broadcast the Police altered the way the processing station appeared by getting rid of barbed wire, signs indicating that the fencing used was electrified, and adding portable air conditioning units to the building. If you look it up you will certainly find articles about it.
I just had to say this because you lied when you said “No they didn’t.”
Altho the technicalities of the issue can be debated, had the news team not discovered the processing center, nobody would have known until they were being taken there. And most likely… they wouldn’t have made it “comfy.”
August 27th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Yes, we already stated that, Charles, you don’t have to repeat us.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I can haz uh dickshunary?
I got a little sand in my downstairs for real.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Good stuff about Rosanne Barr.
Too bad the ranting, raving, sophomoric poo-poo jokes, childish sex references, pissing contest, dick comparing, tangent spewing dreck, and oversexed, hate hurling comments from your … uh … fans (?) rather reduce the impact of your original article. Because, frankly, the insanity here is as strange as hers was.
I’m just saying…
August 27th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Gladstone didn’t write this article, nate. Gladstone does Hate By Numbers.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
yeah, what glendoor42 said!
August 27th, 2008 at 11:54 am
First of all gladstone let me thank you for a wonderfull article. also let me comend you for your bravery for sticking it out a whole week. I am to afraid to go there I have a feeling something will hapen to my first born or imortal soul if I do. Also an aside to (JOSIE) salt outside a door is not a sign of devil worship salt is white and as such is a symbol of purity that is used to keep out ghosts or to contain a persons will. That being said if it is being used by Roseanne on taco night. It is most likely to keep the spirit of the child she just killed and ground into taco meat from seeking revenge.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Does that make any sense at all? Her kids are white, no but she adopted kids all of different races, so they’ll probably learn acceptance because of that. Obama probably won’t help all that much.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:01 am
she also said that brad and angelina should vote for obama so that their children would learn to respect different races, esp black men. yes, vote for the black man to teach your children acceptance, it doesnt matter what their policies are, and how it might affect america and the world you live in.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Wow. The comments section really is a whole lot more than the articles…
And I believe Charles has sand in his vagina.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Props to seijinumaru for giving us props.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Wow, it took me about 10 minutes to read DO’B’s gut-busting article and over an hour to pick out all the ingeniously concocted repartee (props to DP13, Tulip Sniper, and J-Pappi) from the of mass of uniformed imbeciles who should stay under the rocks they live under so as to avoid making themselves the laughingstock of cyberspace.
Brain-dead idiots aside, thank you DO’B for making my day with all of those painfully nauseating visuals.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:04 am
“…poor people very often smell like pee pee.” Haha! Yeah, poor people suck, dude! Whoooot!
August 27th, 2008 at 6:58 am
It seems to me that Dan has unwittingly solved the mystery of Janis Joplin. She is not some misguided 13 year old but no…Roseanne. Sweet.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:52 am
Yeah, somebody said it somewhere. First amendment and all that. Bottom line, there’s plenty of internet for everyone: the smart and funny, the haters, the occasional commenter, the spammers, the passionate, the people who enjoy back and forth over whatever topic, the regulars, those nutty digg people, boob lovers, Roseanne, Rosie O’Donnell, the eunuchs, and the cracked.com staff who rarely fail to entertain. To mention a few.
All in all, for me, while I’m stuck writing business proposals, I love stopping by and jumping into it all. A guilty pleasure: one I will never tell my mother about (she’s way old.)
August 27th, 2008 at 2:55 am
roseanne’s blog sounds boring
your blog is worse
August 27th, 2008 at 2:30 am
http://highschool.rivals.com/viewrankhs.asp?ra_key=457
August 27th, 2008 at 1:28 am
Gosh…a lot of hatred in the responses this time around.
I got here late - so imagine my surprise to find that in addition to the usual witty and insightful comments from the regulars, we have DOB featuring in not one, but two e-battles with uneducated, grammatically-bankrupt plebs.
If this site just had more boobs, it would render the rest of the internet completely obsolete.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:22 am
I thought Danny’s insecurities were showing when he wrote “ON THINGS TO MAKE ME VOMIT” then the next thing you see is his picture. I’ve laughed about that for days.
Just teasing.
I don’t think you’re that cute though, not my type.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Mr. DOB, I did not realize how attractive you are. But your insecurity is showing a little when you placed your photo next to a cow’s for a comaprison.
Just teasing.
You are pretty cute though.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:04 am
@tshp - gosh! How sweet! I damn near feel like Obiwan Kenobi!
And Tropic Thunder was very funny. No shame for Stiller this time!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Everyone these days is either an authority on politics, economics, international issues, and/or generally what’s wrong with everything. I’ve gotten used to it.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
H> new international symbol for ‘Hamgina’.
Now:
1) Blacksoth… Backsloth…
2) I wish I had a backsloth.
3) Someone to be there when nobody else is.
…and finally
5) I love you Backsloth. <3<3<3
August 26th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
How bout the pot-head who called the … uh … foshizzle.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I agreee. Roseanne must be dummb
August 26th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Although I found most of the comments amusing and accurate there were a few comments that showed the same level of ignorance as Roseanne Barr. Careful, you just might be accussed of being the “pot that called the kettle black”.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Jon Voight hits Roseanna Back:
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/08/20/2008-08-20_jon_voight_roseanne_barr_is_sick_of_mind.html
August 26th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
i think this post makes you a good person in real life
August 26th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
“Hey Dan, who does the theme song for your intro?, that’s a really great song.”
I peed a little reading that.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
glendoor42, trolling trolls.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Hey Dan, who does the theme song for your intro?, that’s a really great song.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Awesome. BB-codes don’t work on replies. One more way I look stupid I suppose. Just pretend like those words are italicized and not encased by brackets and i’s.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Fuck! Somebody else is named Sean. I wish my parents named me Moxie Crimefighter or some shit like that.
Anyway, did you guys know that partial birth abortions actually involve brain sucking because, I certainly didn’t….until I read it 12 times in the comments section. Stop with the “Actually, they DO suck out brains and they ARE zombies” shit.
Whoever made the Charles in Charge reference, I like you (no homo if applicable.)
@DOB: IMO, your other two blog entires were funnier (really, really funny), but, this was, without a doubt, [i]at least[/i] your 3rd funniest. (Seriously, it was funny. Unnecessary but, funny)
@Charles: Go post on youtube videos or something. Your hate is not wanted here.
@The other people who are fucktards: You posted a while ago. I don’t remember your names anymore because in my profession (janitor), you have to have a short memory if you want to get through the day. However, I want you to know you’re fucktards.
And finally, did anyone else kinda think that maybe Orwell was thinking about Roseanne when he wrote animal farm and not communism (in a clairvoyant sort-of way)?
P.S. DOB, I was a little hurt when you never responded to my comment about our similarities in doodling style. I won’t post a frowny-face at the risk of looking any gayer than I already do but, I want you to know that I don’t forget (completely contradicting what I just said 7 lines ago).
August 26th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Three million is better than nothing, but it’s FAR from admirable coming from someone with about five hundred million. Also, “piglicity” is HILARIOUS.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
O’Brien, your picture makes me want to become a baby killing, war-mongering, tutu wearing, fat ass having, America hating f’r s’re homo. Okay, I live in Canada, so I already hate America, but I’ll do the other stuff.
Also, shay, it’s not always a good quality in someone if they speak their mind. For example, what if said mind was bat-shit insane, as Ms. Barr’s seems to be? Therein lies the problem. Your assertion that it is her right to speak her mind is by all means valid, but by the same right, O’Brien and the rest of us get to make fun of her when she says something ignorant/needlessy combative/disgusting/incredibly stupid.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Thank you Dan.
tshp- I can’t tell if you were being sarcastic. If you weren’t; I’m glad to hear your hope is restored. But, The fact that you spend $100 on buying girls drinks is kinda sad. Protip: If you’re looking for a nice girl, you won’t find her in a club.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
This article just plain sucks.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Good to see somebody’s with me.
In other news, why does it say my last comment is “awaiting moderation”?
August 26th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
DP13- About the identity crisis, I’d say you’d fit in with me. Not obsessed but not filled with rage.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
jeff. your information regarding the abortion procedure in question is highly flawed.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I just don’t find Gladstone funny at all. I like him as a person. I like everybody as a person unless they piss me off (Charles.). Recently, he sent me a friend request on Facebook, and I later found myself on his website.
http://www.waynegladstone.com/
I read through some of his publications. All the ones on Cracked. I was stonefaced pretty much the whole time I was reading. I love comedy, and I’m not really a tough critic, but I just found nothing funny about what he wrote. Except, of course, “Caring for your pet Aiken.”
http://www.cracked.com/article_15264_caring-your-pet-aiken.html
But not laughing at any of his stuff made me realize “wow. This guy is truly not funny.” So that’s why I pick on Gladstone.
And I saw Tropic Thunder in the theater. As far as the ticket people are concerned, however, Me and my two friends endured a showing of Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
actually, obama did vote for late-term abortion. he stated that if he’d voted against it we’d be on a slippery slope to outlaw all abortions. the procedure is to take a late-term baby, that would be one that is viable outside the womb, pull it partially outside the mother (they have to leave the head in or killing it otherwise would be considered murder), puncturing the skull and removing the brains. the baby is then fully removed and tossed in the trash. this isn’t right-wing, christian wacko propanda but the actually procedure. look it up. other than that, yeah, she’s wacko. but understand that you can’t judge all republicans by a few people and neither can you judge all democrats as the same. every group has their extremists that the press loves to parade because it makes a story. most folks in the country are normal middle of the road, good decent people democrat or republican. so to john’s ” but at least i am not a fucking republican piece of shit like you”. asshole, go fuck yourself, your part of the problem.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
um, before you become my facebook friend, be sure to ask yourself — are you trying to DOB’s friend?
dan wrote this blog. not me.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Eat shit, fucking Republican scumbag.
I don’t like Roseanne either, but at least I am not a fucking Republican piece of shit like you.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Not to be a buzz kill, or anything, but can we be done soon with the whole baby-brain suckage crap. It’s just that it’s mostly guys discussing it and regardless of whatever reference source you go to, ya ain’t never gonna get it.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
As a huge fan of both Roseanne and Angelina it is so disheartening to read this. I truely believe they are both wonderful people in there own ways. Roseanne is famous for speaking her mind. THAT is why I love her. Even if I do not agree with what she is saying I do believe that she has the right(given by the first ammendment) to say what SHE wants to say on HER blog. If you don’t like it then here is an idea…..don’t read it. She may not be the most classy or slim person on the earth but that is what makes her her. I can’t tell you how many times her humor has helped me make it through the day. She may not go and rescue infants from other countries but she sure helps a young stressed out Mother laugh when sometimes I feel like there is nothing more to laugh about. I think it is sad that people like you have nothing better to do then call someone who speaks their mind a pig. She is a person like you and me and she has a right to her opinion. Just because her views are not the same as yours dosen’t give you the right to call her a pig. Now that is my opinion go ahead and slam me for it because just like Roseanne I don’t give a fuck!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Very funny. Not to be too much of a nitpicker, but believe it or not the babies and brain sucking is actually true. Its called intact dilation and evacuation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intact_dilation_and_extraction
August 26th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
@ DP
Hey man, don’t knock Gladstone. He’s a funny guy, HBN is really stepping up, and if that wasn’t enough he shares my first name. Gladstone is a cool guy. Awesome article, btw.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Aloha DP!
Glad to see you got out of the house and saw a movie (or did you watch it online..I did.) What’s up with picking on Gladstone? One minute you like him, the next, well, not so much. Is it because he didn’t adopt your nickname? Was it you who sabotaged his diggs? Poor guy’s been through alot this week.
@Pancaks: Exactly. Ignore the trolls.
@moxley: I revisited Roseanne’s site and she spouts so much incoherent, mindless gibberish it’s pathetic. You really do need that doobie if that’s how you’re going to spend your time…
August 26th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
lmao.
omfg.
Fucking. Hilarious.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
DOB I believe you forgot that indeed the poor are a race. Did you see the homeless people south park episode? They’re like zombies man, except for instead of brains they feed off of pocket change.
And as a religion, they worship the state and its wonderful welfare provisions. Much like christians pray for money and healing, the poor go to the state for handouts and health care.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
lmao I don’t blame you. Almost anything I find boring, I usually blame him for it.
I don’t like you, Gladstone.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
DP13, you are correct…
My apologies to you.
Gladstone still sucks and this crap was so bad I thought it was him.
/wipes egg off face.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I never liked Rossane but I did watch her sitcom. What I often wonder is, What the hell makes these people experts on anything. Frankly, I’m not interested in what she has to say. And (sorry) I don’t care what DOB thinks either. I was not ammused by this column.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Oh. So she’s still alive, then?
Fuck.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
@josie, I know right?
@glendoor, I appreciate the sage wisdom. I have been going about this all wrong…I have to go feed some children in the third world.(and by 3 rd world children, i mean inexpensive hookers, and by feed, I mean…here’s a hint, charles has never done this with a woman.)
@GG if you need somewhere to live, you can move into my place. I don’t have a leprechaun, I do have a monster that lives under my bed.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I am not a big fan of Rosanne, but I think you missed the sardonic nature of her posts.
She also made a lot of good points, and some of that shit she said is painfully true….
You sir, kind of sound like a whiny bitch who has a grudge against Rosanne…Some of that shit was pretty damn funny that she wrote..time to twist up a fatty and head over to her site.
Why is it that when people diss her they’re always referring to her weight?
She is a crazy fuck, but crazy as in crazy enough to say whatever the fuck she feels - the fact that she actually has half a brain makes her shit kind of funny.
I think I am going to have to check out her Blog…But I dig cracked.com too….Just use your writing skill for something original…next time if you’re gonna skewer some celebrity, riff on some overexposed piece of shit that actually deserves it.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
RatStone. Are you aware that Gladstone did not write this blog?
You’re an idiot.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
She reminds me of my stepmom, unfortunately she was a psychotic and liked to spend time trying to kill people in her spare time…. yup she definately reminds me of my stepmom
August 26th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
What the hell is a turkey taco and where can I get one?
August 26th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Rosanne Barr is a piece of crap, good to see someone tearing her down, bad to see anyone giving her undeserved attention.
With that said, I dislike this guy, seriously, he’s not funny at all…
His attempts at ridicule in all his “blogs”, or WTFever these diatribes of doldrum are supposed to be, come off:
#1 not funny
#2 gets these pieces published because he’s related to someone.
If he can actually take credit for “Hamgina” and “piglicity” then he has earned some respect.
Unfortunately, given his consistent “lack O’ funny” ™, I’m going to guess that this lil’ feller borrowed an instant classic.
Good luck, Gladstone, here’s hoping you find the funny that 99.9% of your pieces are clearly lacking.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
She is the only one with enough courage to tell America what America doesn’t want hear but doeas everyday.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Oh, and Shana. I’m having a bit of an identity crisis now. Because of you. I don’t fit in either of those categories. I don’t hate DOB. He’s my favorite blogger. So there’s the first category that I don’t fit in. The second. Well… As much as I like you DOB, I honestly don’t “desperately want you to fuck me.”
Sorry, man.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Try this on for size, its working for me. Everytime Charles says something retarded, insane, or just generally asshatical (yes I had to make a word for it), instead of calling him on it in a reply, build a house of cards. I’ve nearly finished main street for Bicycleburg (it was the card brand), just need a damn post office.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Wow. I leave to see Tropic Thunder and a lot of shit goes down. I’ll start with DOB because he’s my favorite blogger.
Dan, my man, that’s exactly why I was going to adopt a kid. So I could be drivin’ in my Jeep Wrangler, listening to Incubus on my way to my frat’s showing of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and all the bitches would be all “That a baby?” and I’d be like “yeah” and I’d slip a roofie in their Diet Coke, cuz that’s how I roll.
Gladstone: Shut up.
Pogue: The Charles in Charge reference was “fucking win, bro.”
Charles: Fuck you, I like josie. And actually, I hope you DO break your dick off in some dude’s gaping asshole.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
@tshp
you could just wear your tighty whiteys, not bathe, no hat and spend $25.00 on a hooker and get the same end results with a lot less complications.
I’m just saying is all.
P.S. wear a condom.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
@tshp You are the definition of chivalry. I wouldn’t worry too much about DOB. He’s a big boy, with working male organs. Crooked penis and shriveled nut boy, on the other hand, can only dream (apparently) of anal penetration.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Wow, what an interesting … person?
I assume that as her autobiography is called ‘Roseanne: My Life as a Woman’ there’s going to be a sequel later on…
August 26th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
@charles: I will hurt you if you don’t leave DOB alone. Do you realize what he has done? There are chicks, people with titties and vaginas, on cracked. Do you know what that means?
It means that one day, I won’t have to put on Tommy Hilfinger boxers, too much colone and a baseball hat with a flat brim turned sideways just so I can get into a club and spend $100 to get a chick drunk so I can have sex with her. It means one day, I can have sex with a chick who I actually like! (for reasons other than she is willing to have sex with me)
Don’t, don’t take away that dream charles, please. You just don’t realize how much words can hurt.
@josie, greengoddess, mj-89, shana, lilmoof…thank you for restoring my hope in the female gender.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Yeah, I just want to point out that partial birth abortion does involve sucking out the baby’s brain and is legally allowed only when the mother’s health is threatened.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Are there any hackers who could take down the wopig’s blog?
August 26th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Oh, Daniel O’Brien, your writings just make my life for the 3-5 minutes it takes me to read them.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
You have a problem with her spelling but a few grammatical errors made it past your spell check…. who’s/whose just to name one. Two others noted but I’m sure you’ll find them.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
The sad comment on our society is that the best entertainers are the mentally ill ones. 20 years ago, Ms. Barr was funny. She was so funny that she got her own sitcom. Her mental state began to slide at that point and it’s been a slo-mo car wreck ever since. At least she is only doing a “blog” so the rest of us can easily ignore her.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Just to point out, Denver DID build additional cages in a warehouse as a sort of temporary holding cell for people who get out of hand at the convention. Some call it a concentration camp, some (like you) say it isn’t there, but just for factual purposes, you should know that there is something there to hold “criminals”.
Also, have you never heard of partial-birth abortion? They DO literally scrape the brains out of the baby’s head after stabbing a hole in it with scissors or a sharp tool. They do this after breech birthing the baby (breeching it on purpose mind you), and leaving just the head in the womb. Yes, the rest of the baby’s entire body is born and flailing about in the air, then the doctor does his work. Look it up, man. Seriously, that is a messed up practice.
Oh, and I do agree, Roseanne is crazy!
August 26th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Seriously whatever happened to celebrities who once their time had past just rode off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again except for occasional appearances at the grand opening of a new wal-mart or chevy dealership?
August 26th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Oh, yeah sorry about your roof greengoddess, hope you are doing ok.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Charles, get a job man. You have anger issues.
Sincerely,
A partially aborted, yet deliriously happy,
jo
August 26th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Jimmy Buffet rules!!!!! Boobies!!!!!!
August 26th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
It’s “there,” Charles. You mean to say that them bitches was “lying there passed out from too much Fleishman’s [sic] vodka.” If you’re not careful, Charles, you just might look ridiculous.
Shana rules.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Yeah good call Shana, I’m totally jealous of Dan. He reminds me of that guy I went to high school with who had a funny joke for every situation. Usually it was an Adam Sandler movie reference, specifically: “O’Doyle rules!”And yeah, girls were always talking to him instead of me. Well, not so much talking as lying their passed out from too much Fleishman’s vodka and schwag weed while he “was all over those titties, bro”. Every day I would go home and pray that my parents would buy me a Jeep Wrangler and some cargo shorts, so I could be as awesome as he was.
I think I’ll go look through my old yearbooks now.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Wow, thats the hardest I’ve laughed for a while. Nice one DOB
August 26th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
DOB said :
“I have my dick in a can of Red Bull right now.”
Your dick might have wings but those cans are tiny!
August 26th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I find the affect you have on people amusing, Dan. There are really two kinds of people who post on your blog. The first kind hate you because they’re jealous and you remind them of that guy they went to high school with who always had a funny joke for everything. Girls were usually talking to him instead of them. The second kind find your articles amusing and over praise you because they desperately want you to fuck them. That’s just my theory.
Not that I didn’t find this article entertaining, I just don’t think it is as great as your fan boy/girl/she-males claim it to be.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
The fuck is going on here?
August 26th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Josie, you are a partial birth abortion. I WILL be a eunuch after my cock and balls break off in your gaping asshole.
Afghan Whig, you suck. And so does that band.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
“You, Roseanne Barr, don’t rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite?”
I’ll have you know that a very young and very handsome George Clooney played Roseanne’s boss, Booker, on Roseanne during the late 80’s and/or early 90’s. So she HAS rubbed elbows with him, motherfucker. This is why his elbows still smell like bacon fat to this day.
Oh, and Roseanne was pretty funny for the first half of its run, you douchebag.
I hate you DOB, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Not everyone can have incredible abs like yours, but that does not make them bad people.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Loved the last part of the blog.
Jesus: “She’s bringing ME into this? That little pig bitch.” XDXDXD
Jeez I knew that Roseanne was an ignorant, uneducated cretin but I never knew that it was to this level.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Despite that, Gladstone, you’re still a funny motherfucker. Let’s squash this silly fued.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Gladstone, so help me, if you disparage the name of Jimmy Buffet one more time, I’ll… I’ll… well, I think you can tell by my sputteringly frustrated text that some undisclosed “bad shit” will be comin’ your way. I’m the son of a son of a sailor who just happens to be holding onto a can of whoop-ass with the name GLADSTONE written across it! Watch it, brother!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Hey everybody!!!
What’s the difference between cooking oil and baby oil?
(Sound of slurping and guzziling)
About 10 strokes!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Guys, guys. Please! Show a little compassion for Charles. It’s obvious he’s a boy whose testes have been removed (or for some reason are not functioning properly.) As a castrated man, he desperately seeks attention anyway he can get it. The easiest way, of course is to bash beautiful, successful people who are not eunuchs themselves. His sheer jealousy is palpable. *teardrop*
@greengoddess: sorry about your roof, girl. Way to have a sense of humor. Glad you’re okay. Maybe the guys will throw you (us) a mercy upper-body striptease.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Oh my GOD that was boring. I want my money back!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Jimmy Buffet is the man!
I’m sorry, that should have read: Jimmy Buffet is a man!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
O’Brien’s not frat boy. He discriminates against minorities and gays, but on his own time, with no affiliation to a Greek organization.
And he is CRAZY about Jimmy Buffet.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Oh Charles, you’re so cute when you pretend to be informed.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I love it, but actually….they did make something that resembles concentration camps for protesters.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
DP
Dude, Bro, you should totally fucking adopt a fucking kid. Skanks love kids. If you get a fucking baby, the bitches will come running, man. (TRUST me on this, I’m like the Nostradamus of deep-dicking.) For rizzle, D-Dawg, bitches’ll be all like “Is that a fuckin’ baby?” and you’ll be all “You know it, bitch, now start suckin.” Welcome to Suck City, population Yo’ Dick, My man!
BOOYA!
August 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
DP–
You should totally adopt a kid, just like your heroes, Brangelina, if only to teach the kid the lesson that there are worse things than starving to death with flies in your fridge (?) or whatever…
August 26th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Article: Great!
Comments: Tl;Dr
Anyways, It sounds like she is ALMOST as insane as 4-Chan
That is shocking
Also, don’t call her a pig. They disowned her for a reason, after all
August 26th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Actually, they did build some concentration camps to hold protesters. That wasn’t even hard to find out, they had them on every news station here and in both papers last week.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
PS–
Seriously, am I the only one who can’t fucking stand Brangelina? I liked HER better when she was a incestuous, Billy Bob Thornton-fucking vampire and HE was in True Romance.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Hey Dan “D-Bag” O’Bryan,
Hope you’re not posting all these follow-up comments using your sidekick while racing up the Jersey turnpike in your Jeep Wrangler to meet Brad Pitt at a rest stop for a little gloryhole action. Just watch out for other drivers and, please, turn down the Incubus.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Who is Roseanne Barr? I mean, I know she had a TV show when I was like eight, but I’m out of college now and I am clueless as to why anyone cares about a has-been actress who says mean and nasty things about people she doesn’t know.
She’s just upset cause she’s over weight, unattractive and jobless. So in essences she’s a rag on fire that no one wants to put out.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Pogue, are you familiar with MC Paul Barman?
A little goon
in a locker room
rat-tails the octaroon
he’ll be drinking vodka soon
and his big brothers are frat guys
whose IQs lose to their fitted baseball hat size
Smirkin’ jocks with hackysacks
in Birkenstocks and khaki slacks
You know who else sucks brains out of people? The big brain bugs from Starship Troopers. Could they be the threat that is insinuating itself in modern society? Casper Van Dien would say yes.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:52 am
BLUE SHIRTS AND KHAKI PANTS!!!!! FITTED BASEBALL HATS!!!!!! HOMOEROTICISM!!!!!!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Fucking win? Wha?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Wanted was Want-Fucking-Tastic, bro. I saw that shit in theaters and shit myself and some bitch was like “Ew” and I’m like “Ew you, bitch” and everyone laughed. It was fucking hi-fucking-larious. I’m the man.
I have my dick in a can of Red Bull right now.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Crazier than the person who runs the boytaur website?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:43 am
By the way, Pogue. Fucking win bro.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I have seen that fucking movie, bro. But it doesn’t compare to my stack of ultra violent films like Wanted, Beowulf, and Kung Fu Panda.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I find it odd how people can judge a celebrity on what is reported about them in the “news”. Making violent movies - um…they are actors and that is his/her job. Parading around like Mother Teresa? Not so sure about that either…maybe that is what the “news” wants us to see. Donating a small portion (millions and millions) of their income to benefit others? I will go with the assumption that is true and if they are fuckers and assholes for that I would like to know how much of your income (percentage wise) you donate to charity? What a bizzare reason to hate people that you don’t even know. People iz wierd.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:35 am
this was the funniest thing I have ever read DOB. Sorry for not commenting sooner but im having computer problems.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I think I have all of the women beat on the height thing…I’m 4′10″. Makes DOB a veritable giant in my terms. Oooohhh baby!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Yey for date raping Dane Cook!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Sorry, DP, I couldn’t hear you because I was watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith at top, maximum volume again. Have you seen this fucking movie, bro? It’s so fucking tight, bro, you don’t even know. Me and my bros came up with a drinking game to fucking go along with it, and here’s how it goes: You take a fucking jaeger-bomb every time the movie rocks. You end up getting pissed-shitfaced-wasted in, like, ten minutes because the movie always fucking rocks.
Collar Popping! Skanks! Dane Cook! Cheerleaders in the butt! Date Rape!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:19 am
He he he he, DOB and Charles are fighting. Have you not comprehended, Daniel, that Charles is indeed in charge of our days AND our nights, our wrongs AND our rights. I want Charles in charge of me!
Also, and this is funny but totally true, all of your references to pigs and/or bacon actually made me crave that greatest of breakfast delicacies. I’m off to find some.
Good shit O’briEn.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Are you quite certain that she’s not actually a cow? That would explain her unpatriotic aversion to steak.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Wow, Dan. This guy really doesn’t like you. I’m starting to think he might actually be Roseanne. So I will now refer to him as such.
Listen, Roseanne, you fat fuck. Spelling people’s names wrong is kind of disrespectful, considering his name is plastered over this page at least 50 times. DOB would have worked fine, too, but, maybe you couldn’t spell that either.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
That’s not what I said, Charles. I did not say that kids don’t die here. But could you do me a favor? Go to your fridge. See how it’s got shit in it.
They don’t have shit in their fridges, Charles. They have flies.
I can’t believe you would try to compare the USA to a third world country.
And no. I didn’t say we should do that. I for one, am probably going to in the future, but I didn’t say that would solve anything. You’re just taking my words out of context and trying to make me seem wrong for thinking that two celebrities can do some good things.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Hey Daniel,
Thanks for taking the time between watching “Mr and Mrs Smith” AGAIN and listening to Jack Johnson with your eyes closed (because you’re a Jersey meathead, get it?) to reply to my comment.
Also, thanks for correcting my spelling. God forbid I spell your name wrong, you’re such a famous comedian and all.
Also, I am aware this is a comedy website, which is confusing, because they chose to allow you to post this heavy-handed, thoroughly un-funny piece of turd.
Fuck you.
To be fair, your Mencia thing was kind of funny. But fuck you anyway, frat boy.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:50 am
@Charles
Sigh.
It’s “Brangelina,” with an “n.” And, more importantly, “O’Brien,” with an “e.” Also, it’s a “comedy website” with a “go fuck yourself.”
August 26th, 2008 at 10:29 am
i go to roseanne’s blog just to see what idiocracy she decides to put on there. i find it quite funny.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:08 am
DP13–
Wow, you’re so right, I had no idea kids starve and die in “third world countries”. I’m so glad that never happens here, in America. I guess we should all follow Bragelina’s example and adopt kids from around the world and bring them here, that will solve the whole world hunger epidemic.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:07 am
@ You, Roseanne Barr, don’t rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite?
Well, actually, Clooney was on the show Roseanne back in the day. God damn that I know that.
Oh, and I have a personal grudge with Roseanne: She was doing an interview on a random radio station I had it tuned to, plugging her stand-up in Las Vegas. Then she goes “Call this # to win tickets to Vegas” So I do, and I win, but the details include that, actually, all I’ve basically won is the opportunity to go to Vegas, I would still have to pay for everything. So thanks Roseanne, for telling me I’ve won freewill, but no discernible prize to travel expenses therein. Next she’ll be hawking the ever popular “You’ve won a trip to Hawaii if you build the boat yourself, fucker!” vacation package.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:02 am
No, Charles. But I do know that in third world countries, a shitload of kids die really young. You see, these kids require food to live. And when they don’t have it, as is common in third world countries, THEY DIE.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Actually, a common abortion procedure involves inserting a plastic tube in the base of the fetus’s skull and removing the brain tissue using vacuum pressure - in essense, they do “suck out the brains.” You’re right on just about every other count, but you’re wrong there. They DO suck out the brains in late-term abortions. I would respectfully suggest that you do some research before you say something stupid next time.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:50 am
DP13: “They probably would have died”?
Based on what information are you making that ASSumption? You probably cry when that bearded Christian guy comes on TV at like 4am telling people to “sponsor” a child by sending money to him.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I thought G-rocks was funnier. But G-stone makes me think of weed, which I like better than rocks. Or maybe it should be G-stoner?
Anyway, the point is, I’m 5′8″
Actually, that’s not the point. The point is, I have so much catching up to do on Cracked. I’ve been away from my computer for 2 days. The rains from Fay caused our roof to collapse. If only I had a leprechaun…
August 26th, 2008 at 9:36 am
i, for one, would love to find out for myself just how well-toned you ass really is DOB
August 26th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Dude. Brad and Angelina only had 3 kids. The first one and the new twins. Most familys have two or three kids. The rest are adopted. If they didn’t adopt them, they probably would have died. And if you’re saying they should have just left them to die… Well then you’re just a douche.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:22 am
I’m not sure who is more out in left field… Roseanne or Danny boy there.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:21 am
protesting inside a cage away from the shit seems a little -okay, really-oppressed. but law is law and there aint shit [but getting tear gassed, shot or arrested] you can do…
And the freedom of speech thing is not just regarding a protest. You say the wrong thing to the wrong person and you have your ass a lawsuit or charges pressed. you are not free, no matter how free you think you are. But that’s because those dumbasses who cause problems ruin it for everyone else. A true democracy would never, ever work. And still, more and more useless laws are passed in ode to revenue.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I’ll give you credit for pointing out that Roseanne is a bit eccentric (congratulations, that’s only been apparent since the early 1990s) but she’s right about Bragelina, and I’d think Cracked would have the balls not to service them orally like the rest of the media. In fact, Dan O’Brian, you are obviously a conservative meathead, though I’m sure you were probably the funniest guy on the lacrosse team.
Anyway, Brad and Angelina ARE hypocrites, making their gagillions of dollars”acting” in ultra-violent films while they parade around as if they were Ghandi and Mother Teresa. They are glorified missionaries. Also, by continuing to reproduce, they are not only soiling the human gene-pool with their collective stupidity but also increasing their carbon footprint and adding to the problem of overpopulation. They should be advocating safe sex and contraception if they really want to help the planet, not encouraging people to pop babies out like Pez.
Also, they’re McCain supporters. I doubt their walnut-sized brains can conceptualize the fact that McCain=war=death and suffering, which completely undermines their humanitarian efforts.
Anyway, to summarize, Bragelina are assholes and you, Dan, are a fucking fucktard.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:01 am
this had potential but wow was this overdone. first, you type like a 14 year old girl trying to get her point across, typing all your dramatic pauses which was funny the 1st time, not the 8th. and second, you’re way too passionate about nothing. this is ROSEANNE’S blog. by quoting it here, you’ve actually tripled the amount of people who would’ve originally read it. no one cared. it’s the equivalent of me writing a blog about shit i hate. no one gives a fuck. this article reeks of desperation and redbull. think before you post.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:44 am
“Heck, that’s how the Democrat Party knew how much fencing they would need. Those ARE the legal protesters in there.”
Okay, maybe legal, but well behaved? As someone pointed out earlier, there’s no chance that they can gamble on it being totally safe. Someone amongst those thousands of protestors could have something up their sleeve, is it wrong to be prepared?
This is the third time I’ve said this, the term ‘concentration camps’ conjures up images of something completely different than somewhere to hold a few thousand protestors.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:38 am
@Panzer - There are several protest groups which were formed months in advance of the Democrat National Convention, are funded by very wealthy politicians, and which filed for every permit they needed. Recreate ‘68, for instance, has been in the news for just doing just such a thing.
Heck, that’s how the Democrat Party knew how much fencing they would need. Those ARE the legal protesters in there.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:27 am
“Actually, Roseanne is pretty funny, and she makes a lot of relevant points.”
In your terms of ‘relevent points’ that means the homeless man on the street who screams about raging donkeys and fucking goddamn spider beast man whores also makes relevent points.
That doesn’t mean he deserves a fucking blog though.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Daniel O’Brien, you’re so damn cute! Let’s gay marry!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Actually, Roseanne is pretty funny, and she makes a lot of relevant points. Of course, she’s overweight, which makes her worthless to all males (hence the Pig references). Sorry, lame article, just lame.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:37 am
The ellipses in the sentence “Zombies are the ones who feast on brains, not…not abortion doctors” is pure fucking comedy gold, DOB. The article is great in its entirity, but this raised the bar. You make my abs swell up in adoration.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:33 am
Oh, as for ‘they weren’t doing anything wrong’ bullshit, they were actually.
You see, what nobody ever realises is that democracy and beaurucracy goes hand in hand. In order to successfully and legally protest you have to set up a LEGAL protest, which means filling out miles of forms and paperwork, obtaining signatures, getting the proper authority and planning permission ect ect. So yes, thousands of people just turning up to protest is illegal, since they didn’t properly plan it or obtain the proper clearance.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:14 am
Little Known Fact: After finishing her blog post, Rosanne Barr puts on Asia’s “Heat of the Moment” on repeat, pops in Season 1 of “Rosanne” and cries herself to sleep while servicing her hamgina to John Goodman…try and proccess that one.
Thanks DOB for teaching me the value of imagery in writing.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpPQDeNud64
Here’s a link to a story done by a Denver CBS affiliate about the prisons set up to house protestors. Frankly the conditions look pretty shitty.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Like I said, I’m relatively new here. And I usually just assume that there are no girls on the internet.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
@ Ross.
Actually, I prefer Ms.
@DP13.
I have previously mentioned my boyfriend, being a woman and even posted a photo at one stage so I’m not sure why me being female is such a huge shock haha.
August 25th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Freedom of speech is still there. But that’s exactly what it is. Freedom of SPEECH. So it doesn’t matter if you’re putting your ideas out there, or protesting, but there’s always the one guy who fucks up all our shit, and decides that his protest needs a little bang (explosives) behind it.
So if people would just protest without getting hostile (the Gandhi way), we wouldn’t need these “freedom cages.”
But people are stupid. Just look at 4chan.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Oh yeah, and as for once you get arrested they just put a place to detain you… not even a jail…. it’s like a warehouse. Only a few people got arrested yesterday. The police seem angsty. But shit is going to go down…. so I think it’s for the best because there is definately going to be a riot. A proper place to detain people would make a lot of sense. There is a judge right there to sentence you as fast as possible so it doesnt back up the court systems and what not. Just makes sense. It will at least stop the riot squads -which I can assure you there are MANY; At least 10 cops to each downtown block- from shooting innocents. Just yesterday there were thousands protesting and the convention hasnt started yet. Please matt_r_r explain how it makes sense to have thousands of anarchists in one place and shit not to go down?
They put all the bums in there and gave them haircuts too even! all that matters is that I didnt get asked for my spare change 21904852378 times this week! And didn’t get shot yesterday
August 25th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I’m 5′1″
I was one of the protesters that was at the DNC just yesterday. Denver spent $50 Million … FIFTY million DOLLARS in taxes for police force for the week. Downtown Denver is occupied. There are cops there causing fear to the masses and snipers/riot squad all over the fucking place. It’s fuckin rediculous. Cornered in a parking garage with tons of riot squad forming a wall with automatic rifles in front of you is not where i wanted to be. But I guess that’s where I was.
I think Rosie’s Concentration Camp for protesters is a bunk ass over-exagerated way to put it. I call it a freedom cage. You are free to say what you want in this cage.
I didn’t go in the cage.
But let’s face it. Freedom of speech has been all but absolved.
This article was hilarious though. Rosanne barr is a fucking bitch! Dan, you are the man.
August 25th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
“you shitty piece of elitist fucking turd.”
That’s a double fecal, Ross. Don’t you think that’s pushing it?
josie, I worded that wrong. I didn’t mean you as in you, personally. I should have said maybe if “he” had something more interesting.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Yes, go drown yourself worthless bastard.
No, you didn’t say ‘murdered’ but you may as well have throwing around the word concentration camps.
And I’ll dare to do whatever the fuck I want you shitty piece of elitist fucking turd. I’ll dare to assume you’re just another fucking idiot who tries to make out that we’re living in some secret conspiracy, when all you do is cheapen the lives of people who actually suffer under opressive regimes.
And my name’s Ross, Panzer-Stier just means I’m more of a fucking man than you are.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
To Panzer:
Yes, I have experienced political repression personally, and I have been segregated on account of my race, especially in employment. I’m a WASP, by the way. (That’s a Whate Anglo-Saxon Protestant, for you ignorant douchebags out there.) The only reason that I haven’t been teargassed by cops yet is because I mind my own business, and I’m non-violent and stay out of trouble. And even then, I’ve come pretty close a couple of times, once by a psycho cop in a parking lot when I was thirteen. Don’t dare to presume to know my life. And, I never said any protesters were “murdered”. learn to read first, douchebag.
That’s all you’re going to hear from me. Good bye, all.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Um..not following. “If you had something a bit more interesting to say..”
Hey! MJ is on the other, newer blog as we speak. She’s Australian.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Orange county. It’s about 2 hours out of Manhattan.
I know, right? But that other guy practically begged for a response. Maybe if you had something a bit more interesting to say, he’d reply without the promise of getting married.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:39 am
‘Tsup, DP..
I’m so going to have to re-read MJ-89.
K..so it’s 3:34 am. (I work with kids on the East Coast..I’m normally up)..and from what part of New York do you hail? My best friend is from Brooklyn. Oh, I know it well..
And you admit you were stoked (Glad..oops, G Stone)..c’mon..it’s kinda fun, right? Besides, if he’s going to unabashedly vie for friends, the LEAST he can do is write you back.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Woah, MJ-89 is a she? Didn’t see that coming.
Josie: I’m in New York. But I was debating my mom about what tim it would be in California. I was wrong, because I thought it was 4 hours. But I said “But Hawaii is 4 hrs behind, so I’m correct in Hawaii.” And checked her iPhone and I was right. But now I checked my world clock on my laptop, and apparently the iPhone was fucked up, because you’re right. 6 hours.
Gladstone: For the record, I wasn’t as excited as josie seems to think when I got a response from you, because you know, if you send somebody something, they’ll probably send a reply. I was just stoked that I got a response and didn’t even have to marry you like that other guy.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] > Blog > » Nancy Grace: Better Than A Baby Murderer « Dan O’Brien Reviews Roseanne Barr’s Blog Nancy Grace: Better Than A Baby Murderer by [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 7:49 am
Aloha Gladstone..
So G Stone without the hyphen? I’ll alert the media..you know your crushing DP-13 who was so very proud and excited to have had you contact him through the wall thing-a-ma-bob at Face book.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I like G Stone better.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Or Miss ‘89.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:37 am
I do realise my mistake buddy, cheerfully rectified Mr ‘89.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:37 am
@ Panzer-Stier Ross:
However thank you for your support on the hating of douchebags that insult and disrespect the memory of real, horrific, events by being ignorant thing.
If I were born in ‘39 I sincerely doubt I’d frequent these blogs
@ Matt.
You’re a douchebag. See above paragraph for the reasoning.
@D.O.B
It’s a shame you’re only 5′8″ since I’m 5′9″ and I’m pretty sure we can’t ‘make love’ now cause it’s weird when females are taller…
August 25th, 2008 at 12:54 am
Dammit..this is like my 74th post in three minutes..(sorry to saturate..)
DP-13: ‘G-Rocks’ is awesome. I, for one, love it. Nicknames have a process..just ’cause we like it doesn’t mean everyone does.
Alright..who’s important here,? greengoddess: it is for her viral hand they are pining.
She like’s G-Rocks.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Oh yeah..
DP-13: slice it or dice it, Hawaii’s time zone is 6 hours behind New York. Come the next (fall) daylight savings time, Hawaii will be five hours behind. Hawaii doesn’t have a daylight savings time change. We stay the same. Whacked, but you get used to it.
Where are you? ..is the question..
I’m pretty sure I’m right.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Hi Dan..(O’ Brien)
You of all people should know one really big long paragraph is annoying. I care what you write; I will in the future read it. Maybe tomorrow..
August 24th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Is the mike still on? Jeez..so little time, so many responses.
First (of course) Gladstone: Thanks for the support on the Ed vs. Brad thing. I’m a neophyte with social networking..in order to become your Facebook pal..(and here’s the catch) I have to actually sign up myself. I’m noodling it. I was a member long enough to see your entourage..quite fun, I must say. 309 at my visit. Well done.
J-Pappi: What’s the difference between a woman’s breast and a martini?
DP-13: I’ll never really call you that..I’m just playin’.
greengoddess: luv ya huge.
steph: you too.
all other women: yeah, we’re kinda in a fraternity, right? Roll with it..
Laters..jo
August 24th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Yes, kingmonkey. But people don’t make fun of you on the internet when you do it the normal, non-pity way.
Unless it’s with a guy.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
It’s a lesson I learned in high school, which has served me well to this day; pity sex is still sex.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Well I mean in that particular deal. All she gets is 30 seconds of kingmonkey.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
HA, She’s no loser she’s married to me, by default she’s a winner.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Well the it’s win-win. You get to fish, and kingmonkey can actually say that there’s someone who would have pity-sex with him.
The only loser is Mrs. Glendoor.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
As far as I know she only has sex with kingmonkey the zombie slayer or whatever the fuck his name is now a days and seeing how he has a freakishly small penis I don’t really consider that sex. Nor does she. It’s more like voluteer work for her. Some people work with the elderly, she works with a delusional Casnadian. Besides when she’s off in the great white north it gives me more time at the beach to fish.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
This article has made me laugh out loud so many times. Definitely one of DOB’s best. I mean, I’ve always hated Rosanne for being a loudmouthed pig, but never realized her to be a completely batshit insane, hypocritical loudmouthed pig.
Dan… let’s make some consumerist, earth wrecking, dunce babies… NOW!
August 24th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Sorry for posting 3 times in a row, but I just noticed the edit for this blog, where DOB said he got banned from the Roseanne forums.
So, Dan, since I can only imagine the shenanigans you had to pull to get banned that fast, could you please tell us how you accomplished that?
August 24th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Thank you for clearing that up, glendoor.
Is the immaturity thing why Mrs. glendoor42 decides to have sex with the other members of the Cracked community?
August 24th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
I don’t think that is your point, matt. I read your comments before, and it was saying they built concentration camps.
Then you said that NO protesters ever got imprisoned outside of the Republican Convention (they were).
And now you’re saying that your whole point is that they WERE imprisoned, but didn’t do anything to deserve it. Which is right, in some cases, like the story DOB linked to where Jesus got imprisoned on his 22nd birthday.
I’m not going to pretend I know anything about politics. Everything I know comes from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. But It seems like you don’t know a damn thing about politics either, and choose to slam the government in order to cover your own ass for being wrong on the internet.
I’m sick of reading your bullshit. Would you kindly go die, now, preferably in an extraordinarily gruesome fashion?
August 24th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
They really were delicious, especially the maple syrup glazing. The moose hair was uncalled for though.
Guys like Matt seriously piss me off, because like Mj-39 said up there, throwing around words like ‘concentration camps’ and ‘political oppression’ in a totally out-of-context scenario really hurts those who have lived through or seen first hand real horror like that.
My dad was a civilian employee of the army, my uncle too, in Northern Ireland during the 1970s. They were given the delightful job of cleaning up Derry after Bloody Sunday, which meant repairing riot damage, sweeping up broken glass ect.
Oh, and hosing off the blood of the protestors who were murdered.
So yeah, fuck you Matt.
August 24th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
@DP13
I’m a young (40 years old) retired Army NCO, Sergeant First Class. I’m also tall 6′1″, and stocky 247 pounds.
People tell me that I’m also incredibly immature for my age. ( mostly Mrs.glendoor42 who says you’re welcome to PS Ross about the cookies).
August 24th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Matt, shut up, please. You know fucking nothing about political opression. Did anyone stand outside the voting booths with teargas, watercannons and attack dogs to stop you voting? Can you actually view this web page without it being censored? Does your mail come to you safely without being opened and checked first? Is anyone trying to divide you into neighbourhoods based on your skin colour or religion?
August 24th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Yea, they were imprisoned, but they didn’t do anything wrong. And that’s my point. Screaming that a politician’s an asshole isn’t wrong. we should do it more often. But don’t worry, I’ll just contact you when they slam you in one of these “detention centers” and see if you still sing the same tone deaf tune.
August 24th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Hey, glendoor. I’m kind of new here so I’ve been wondering. Why do they call you Sergeant?
Is it the obvious answer that you are in fact, a sergeant, or is it some kind of joke?
August 24th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Pressed that button pretty good didn’t I ?
Oh come on Dan, we’re pals, don’t be so nasty.
August 24th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
I’m 5′8″ too, but I’m stocky as hell.
August 24th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Dude, I’m 5′8″. And I’m 16.
August 24th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Eat Shit, Sergeant.
I’ve been told that I am an extremely tall 5′8″.
August 24th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Well, the leprechaun pays his rent by keeping banshees and Georgia fans away and he does a good job too because we haven’t seen any since we’ve lived here.
DOB looks like he could be part leprechaun, he’s like what 5′2″ or something?
August 24th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
If it rained good and hard there was probably a rainbow somewhere nearby. You should have dragged your Leprechaun to the end of it and told him his motherfucking rent was due.
August 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Yes, the leprechaun is fine, he just flushed the toilet about an hour ago.
It really wasn’t any big deal, just a bunch rain, the power didn’t even go out. Two of my dogs got into a fight, but that had more to do with a leftover chicken McNugget than the storm.
August 24th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Is your Leprechaun ok?
August 24th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I want to thank everyone for their heart felt concerns while my family and I heroically
battled Tropical Storm Fay. The out pouring of support really helped us through that dark time.
August 24th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Wow. matt_t_r was wrong TWICE.
Sucks to be him.
August 24th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
It’s been 2 days and I’m still reading the comments.
August 24th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
@matt_t_r
You’re right, I am out of my fucking mind. In 2004, 1,700 protesters certainly were not imprisoned at the Republican Convention. I totally made that up.
Aaaand, I’m done with you.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Poor Matt, he just had his ‘facts’ insulted and decried by DOB and he can’t take it.
Also you fucking idiot, it’s you’re not your. I suppose you were just so angry mashing those keys in an effort to get your ‘facts’ out there you didn’t have time for proper grammar.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Dan, your out of your fucking mind. There were no ‘thousands of protesters that got out of control’ at the Republician butt fuckers convention. That’s 100% pure bullshit, with no fillers. And for the record, division is good, and fuck you!
August 24th, 2008 at 5:53 am
I don’t know, DOB, about the hamgina. It seems to me that Roseanne is more of a closet lesbian with a lot of pent up rage. She’s like a kinkier, more desperate Rosie O’Donell, someone who enjoys the ladies, but isn’t above having sex with a tranny (as long as that tranny happens to also be an aging, over-the-hill actor).
August 24th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Will we ever hear the end of the horrible picture-in-head-provoking hamgina?!
Yuck.
On a much nicer picture-in-head-provoking note, Dan, we would like photographic evidence of this well-toned area of yours.
Please.
Thanks in advance….
August 23rd, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Ms. Maddie,
If I were to appy for the position,
I have one question. Can the conception take place while watching
a recorded episode of the “Roseanne” show played on my betamax?
August 23rd, 2008 at 11:05 pm
“Hey, were did everybody go?”
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:42 pm
I’m very much considering getting pregnant, and naming the child ‘Unholy Unsanctified Fetus.’ The child will stand testament to Roseanne Barr’s astute socio-political insights.
All I need is a virile sperm donor and I am set. Position vacant, apply within.
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Dan, i enjoyned your concentration camp response so much, it almost makes me not want to kick your ass. I will, of course, but, somehow, I suspect I’ll enjoy it less.
BTW, I not only think Brad PItt is better looking than Norton, I think he’s a far better actor. So there.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Yeah. We’re only like the Nazis in the sense that we elected a leader who fucked up our shit.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
@DP13. I know man, I know
@D.O.B. From an Australian point of view I think Americans are crazy ass mother fuckers (and it’s mostly the ‘news’ clips I’ve seen on this site that makes me think that) but I definitely don’t think you’re Nazis and it’s going to take more than a pig in flannel with bad grammar so convince me otherwise. I honestly had no idea about temporary holding facilities being built because (as an Australia) I don’t really care. Hence, I thought she was just being a total crazy bitch. However, after reading what you’ve said about the situation I’m pretty applauded at her disrespect for those that actually did have to experience concentration camps. Being an ignorant, fat assed, loud mouth that abuses celebrities trying to help developing countries is one thing but I think she went too far with the concentration camp comment. This is what we get for teaching a God damned pig to speak English.
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Damn Dan, I can’t believe you’re a propagandist FOR THE MAN!!!!!!!!!, sellout.
August 23rd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Yeah, Josie, I’m serious about liking Edward Norton better. I don’t really go for conventional over-hyped pretty boys who it is actually a cliche to like.
August 23rd, 2008 at 4:37 pm
josie. I think Hawaii’s only 4 hours behind.
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Testify!
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
No we don’t, DOB.
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
@Matt_t_r:
Ah hah! I made a bet with myself that someone was going to hop on the “concentration camps” issue and it looked like I was going to lose.
At a previous Republican Convention, there were thousands of protesters that got out of control and needed to be detained. Because they were ill-equipped and unprepared, the town put the protesters in a prison that was too small and they didn’t have the necessary supplies. It was a disaster.
What Denver is doing is trying to prevent something like that happening again. They’re anticipating protesters, so they’re ensuring that they have enough food, room, water and manpower to detain thousands of protesters, which is much better than being caught unprepared, right? It’s necessary, and it’s temporary.
Here’s my biggest problem with Roseanne: People will listen to her, and she knows it. Idiots will read what she says and be like “OH MY GOD AMERICA IS NAZIS!” She could have said “prisons.” Or she could have said “Denver is reasonably preparing for the inevitable protesters.” Or she could have just shut her mouth completely. But, no. She said “Denver is building concentration camps” because it’s controversial, because it’ll turn some heads and stir up some trouble. Do we need that right now? There are enough pundits, politicians and hip jerkoffs already trying to divide this country, do we need another one? Do we need Roseanne with her influence and the platform she has as a result of her fame to come out and squeal about “concentration camps?” She knows it’s only going to drive people crazy. How many people do you think read that post and told their friends “Oh Shit Concentration Camps are being built in Denver.” Do we fucking need that?
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Mahalo, Josie for seconding the need for shirtless blogs. It appears there are more women here than y’all previously thought. Please take note, Cracked. More shirtless blogging.
Plus, G-Rocks is hot.
And 36 is the perfect age. Especially if you’re a woman. It’s when we begin to fully ripen…
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:33 am
@josie: I guess I’ll deal with it then. Just like Gladstone said he’d deal with G-Rocks when he wrote on my facebook wall.
@MJ-89: I’m just fuckin with you man. Nobody cares what I say, anyway, so I doubt G-Rocks will even stick.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:56 am
Roseanne is crazy, but two things:
1. Dan, they actually DID built a concentration camp for the Democratic convention. That is a easily verifyable fact.
2. That is how partial birth abortions are performed, Dan. They suck the baby’s brains out with a medical vacum pump. So, zombies AND abortion fucking “doctors” feed on human brains.
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:42 am
Even after seeing her do that “Roseanne’s Playhouse” or whatever crap she did, I didn’t think she was so fucked in the head. Are you sure it’s not an impersonator? I use to pretend to be George Lopez on parenting forums and make confusing rants like that. Maybe that’s what’s happening. “Sandy buttcrack”? I’m just really confused and disgusted.
August 23rd, 2008 at 4:03 am
Son of a bitch, I’m sick of josie.
August 23rd, 2008 at 3:21 am
For the love of God..alcohol is debilitating. I wanted to say thanks to ya’ll..I’m off to Maui tomorrow..catch ya’ll at the next HBN..
This is the whole reason I logged on..
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:55 am
FRICK: Overactive. Alrighty then, that’s it..
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:54 am
Hi MJ-89: Oh hell no..you’re nowhere NEAR an outcast..and yeah..Gladstone seems indifferent.
Just a few overreactive minds playing with words, is all.
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:48 am
Aw, Jesus..why did I keep reading?
@ Steph: Edward Norton over Brad? Are you frickin’ kidding me? And Brad dumping Jen…it’s my understanding she didn’t want kids, and he did. He’s living the dream; Angelina is smart and beautiful and gives him what he needs. Jennifer will be fine..trust me.
Edward Norton over Brad? Oh my God..I’m gossiping like schoolgirl..
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:45 am
@ DP13. I don’t care if I’m an outcast and I don’t think Wayne is going to get upset over this non-issue either way.
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:12 am
Frick: edit..I’M spouting shit..
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:08 am
DP13: hey buddy. Yeah, you’re just going to have to grow a pair for this:
(Tulipsniper started it)..DP13=Double Penetration of Thirteen Year Olds.
Thus, D-Pens. Think of it as a term of endearment..
And to answer the Gladstone thing:
Gladstone: sounds like a tire brand
G-Stone: sounds like gallstone
G-Rocks..I remind you, he wrote “OK”..I’m not sure he’s convinced.
So much for any of you being up..you realize I will always win this one..I’m six hours behind New York..did you know Hawaii is the most remote landmass on earth? Okay, I spouting shit..I must be buzzed.
I like you too J-Pappi. I laugh like crazy..
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:01 am
Oh, and I think it’s pretty unfair to compare Roseanne to a pig.
A pig is intelligent as a three year old child, but Roseanne appears to be a little bit more like an infant.
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:55 am
Okay, so I love Roseanne. The TV show, that is. I just do. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it after having read this thing.
Roseanne herself appears to be completely and utterly insane. Thank you for suffering through a week of her blog posts, which is something that I would never, ever, ever have enough patience to do.
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:54 am
My aunt knows some people who went to high school with Roseanne. She said they said she was really rude. I didn’t believe it at the time. I was like, “Aw, but she’s all sweetly roly-poly with that genial laugh. How bad can she be?” My innocence dies today.
The thing that bothers me the most is how quick she was to jump on that lady who wrote her a letter defending Brangelina. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t really know or care much about either of them–Edward Norton pwns Brad anyway, and how great a guy can Brad be if he reduced Jennifer Aniston to the sad tabloid target she is today (John Mayer? Seriously?)–but you don’t call someone a “fat ass” for sticking up for someone you called slime just because you’re trying to draw attention away from your own prominent hindquarters, Roseanne. Like, you just DON’T.
*sigh* First Rosie O., now Roseanne descends into lunacy. The world will soon have lost all respect for rotund, middle-aged women suspected to be male below the waist.
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 am
That whole update thing made me laugh so hard. Neat! Wunderbar
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 am
I nearly shat myself laughing when I read the line ‘assumed she’d politely and gracefully died of bacon-related complications years ago.’
I tip my hat to you, Mr. O’Brien.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:25 pm
J-Pappi, I’m dog old like you because I sure as hell remember McDLT’s. My eldest sister was working her first job at McD’s when the thing came out. Man… I remember when I could buy burgers in insulating Styrofoam containers that kept my fucking burger WARM.
I feel like we older folk should be huddled around a piano singing the opening sing for All In The Family.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 pm
God I hate that commercial.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 pm
WJB was a great orator,
but never could get elected President.
At least he’s not hawking Tahiti Village
like Roseanne.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
(In a druknen stupor)
Heeey Rosanne!
You call yourself a celebrity?
Talk to me when they have slot
machines with your face on them
in your local Indian casino!
(Takes a sip of Jack Daniels)
Hey, anyone know where I can find a gloryhole
around here?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 pm
William Jennings Bryan.
Sounds sophisticated.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Hey Rosi,
You’re late with the alimony check!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Good Sir!
I would enjoy the spectacle of seeing this
“Roseanne” wench attacked simultaneously
by 20 children. After she has been knocked unconscious
and dispatched, the young ones can feed voraciously
on the fat of her flesh.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Hope to talk again, J.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Yes, DP; I change them on your mom every time I finish “checking her temperature” with my thermometer and built in saline solution. Damn. I’m creeping MYSELF out now; it isn’t easy. Just fucking with you, man.
Later, all; be festive and shit.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Rosanne makes me look like the voice of reason.
Was her brain damaged during her last face lift?
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Well then you will be the comment outcast, as it was already accepted by G-Rocks himself.
And I don’t understand how “rocks” relates to genitalia, but “stones” doesn’t.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
@ DP13. Sorry but I can’t comply to that. I’ve already made the G-Stone shirt, damnit! … Also G-Rocks sounds creepy….
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
@josie: D-Pens? Is that me? Oh God I hope thats not me. It reminds me of the adult diapers. I believe J-Pappi is familiar with them
@MJ-89: We changed Gladstone’s nickname. It’s G-Rocks now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Oh and I’m with you on the well trained pig theory… If for no other reason than her spelling and grammar. I had to go to her blog just to see if she really was abusing the English language to the extent that it showed in your quotes…. hideous.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
DOB, you are far too popular; I go to sleep for 10 hours like the lazy bitch that I am and when I wake up there’s a blog with 25 billion comments and I simply can’t be bothered to read all of them before commenting.
I laughed through most of this blog and even felt the need to annoy my mother by loudly reading out the funniest bits to her (a great honour!). I find it very ironic that Rosanne would assume someone else is fat when I’m fairly sure her being a fat chick was the most humourous thing she ever did on her sitcom.
@ Gladstone. Don’t worry. We can make a G-Stone > Red Button shirt…
@ Hyde. I don’t ever remember seeing you post. Probably because I automatically skip over anything that looks like spam.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Most women need a cleansing hot shower after talking to me. However, josie shoots and scores! Nothing but net. I like josie.
Tulip, I had to Wiki that too. Tight indeed, as I have come to expect. Check your mailbox for flammable objects; I saw some terrorists around earlier.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Hey, J-Pappi… just walking out the door (after a cleansing hot shower) and wanted to revisit one last time. How old are you? 34, if I remember correctly. And D-Pens is what, 20?
You are not old.
And that counts as my “back atcha.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Perhaps his skill is such that he might as well have invented it. I feel the same way about Silent Scope.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
It’s not one of those newfangled wireless thingies; no sir. It’s one of those big Elvis mic’s that runs up to the ceiling, then down to a wall outlet where a trusty minority I pay in cheap liquor makes sure nobody trips over it. You can bet your bottom dollar, sonny.
And are you sure your friend came up with double penetration? He/she must be much older than even I.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm
And are you sure that mic is working? I mean, they have changed a bit since back when you were young.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Aww dammit. DP. Death Penguin. I didn’t know what double penetration was when my friend came up with it, or it wouldn’t have stuck.
I don’t even know what Toon Disney is. I’m assuming it has to do with the Lion King and not liking Jewish people, so I don’t want to be there. I’d rather be with you ol’ coots anyway.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Oh, Snap! Check 1…2, check 1…2; yeah, that mic works.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
You can’t use a screenname that implies double penetration over at the Toon Disney site. So you’re stuck with us, kid.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Sorry, J-Pappi. I just kind of wish there was someone in this conversation who doesn’t remember when DeLoreans were in production.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Fuck you, DP13. And I mean that in the kindest, most Grandfatherly way possible.
Josie, feel free to come back at night. We look better in the soft glow and shadows; try to be drunk.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
“Hi, josie, welcome to the comments. Swaim’s the guy who bones dogs.
I’m the other guy.”
Yeah, Dan just holds the dogs for Swaim, he doesn’t do any actual raping as far as I know.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Hey, remember the LG enV and Halo?
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Hi Gladstone..I would think G-Rocks connotes virility, ya? What the ‘G’ stands for..I’ll leave to the experts.
Laters..daylight’s burnin’..
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Ha! Remember the McDLT? The hot side’s hot and the cool side’s cool! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Goddamit, I’m old.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Oddly it’s not as sick now as it is impressive.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Gourmet hot cocoa from one nipple. Whipped cream from the other.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Ewww. G-Rocks. Ewwww.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:35 pm
I’m sorry I’m not that bright when it comes to things that happened when I was A FETUS.
And yes, we do have souls. We are just losing them slowly because of Hannah Montana. (Seriously. Not just because of the DOB thing.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:33 pm
But i was already G-STone? Now G-Rocks. OK. The last time I saw DOB shirtless was when I had to rush him to the ER with a unique case of male lactation.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Dammit, youngster! Only the first was a movie (somewhere in the mid-late 80’s), starring Jurgen Prochnow and Demi Moore before she got fake tits. The second was a TV show from the 70’s starring Robert Blake; the sparrow’s in the theme song but it’ll do your soul good (if 16 year old’s have those these days) to watch the show anyway. He’s a classy guy.
Tulip (bumps chest and extends two fingers outward); one love.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:25 pm
And josie, being here, you’ll find out that DOB wears some very expensive hats.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Aloha Dan!
Many apologies. Obviously, I haven’t a very good handle on the goings-on over here at Cracked. Everything is still blurry.
But your stock just went way up now that you don’t do dogs. Great info! Thanks!
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Ok, I’ll netflix those movies. You know, the two movies that came out back when I wasn’t but a twinkle in me daddy’s eye.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Unyielding respect received. I’ll bet you’re not surprised.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I’m a transplant from the East Coast..came here 8 years ago on vacation & never went home..
I fear that’s all the info I can relate at this time. Roseanne gives me the heebie-geebies..I’m frightened she may hunt any of us down, especially when “hamgina” goes viral (another feather in DOB’s cap, I guess.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I just went and checked; I KNEW it had something to do with tinfoil (hence the sandwich reference). It’s my chest that’s inked; my belly remains virgin (at least on the outside). Now, return visuals will not be refused (unless they’re similar to mine). But being from Hawaii, unless you’re a dude I doubt they will.
DP, the sparrow and I have a similar mission. Go back and watch “The Seventh Sign,” or at least “Baretta.” Anyone who gets both those references gets my unyielding respect from here on out.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Hi, josie, welcome to the comments. Swaim’s the guy who bones dogs.
I’m the other guy.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
You Sir, are a genius.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
josie, I’m just going to guess you’re from Hawaii. Am I right?
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Mahalo, DP13.
J-Pappi..did you read my definition of quid pro quo? I suppose I realize the ball is now in my court since you mentioned your hairy, inked-up beer belly. That’s not what I was going for, sweetheart..good visuals..
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Or is it that every time a sparrow sings on your windowsill, a child cries? Think about it…
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
And every time a child cries, a sparrow sings on my windowsill.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:52 pm
And welcome, josie.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:51 pm
I don’t see it. But I think the kids outside do. That might be why they’re crying.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:51 pm
The info on DOB is from four days of reading comments. I’m new. Aloha!
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I’ve got mine off! Can everyone see the enormous tattoo of a Russian battleship on my incredibly hairy chest? Just don’t look at the abs. Not that you could see them anyway; they’re hidden by weissbier.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Seconded, Josie.
Gentlemen…tops OFF.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Good point, Josie. G-Rocks it is.
But where the hell did you get DOB’s hobbies?
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I wanna play! My money’s on Gladstone, a.k.a. G-Rocks (the plural is better..gives him two cojones instead of one):
From a female POV: Red flags..
GLADSTONE: shy, somewhat needy guy who likes Eve 6.
DOB: a guy who’s main hobbies include animal husbandry with dogs; pig genitalia; today I also learned there is evidence of dead hookers or some such thing.
I’m hoping we can both stipulate they’re both funny and somewhat charming. I suppose we really can’t comment on their physical attributes until we see them shirtless.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Thanks; could you tell my mom? She still thinks I’m a loser.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Stay-Puft Absolution Man! You win at life, J-.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I think Lucky Charms features a crucifix-shaped marshmallow in their Christmas batch.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:31 pm
In case I ever try to buy you a beer. Fear not, dude; if you haven’t picked up on the fact I’m straight from reading Cracked you haven’t been paying attention.
Marshmallows? The Stay-Puft Absolution man. I like it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
What about little marshmallow in the shape of a crucifix?
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm
heh I guess I just assumed she was a guy. I thought the only two girls on Cracked were greengoddess and Michael Swaim.
…But why “thanks for the warning?” Should I be worried?
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:25 pm
If only ALL 16-year-old boys gave you a warning…
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
It’d just be a box of communion wafers and shame, DP13.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
DP, if she’s at a jail where guys are present in the shower, she’d probably be happy. But damn, 16? Thanks for the warning.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:21 pm
DOB - not only did your line about your astonishingly well toned ass make me laugh, but I am now picturing said ass.
I think I might be in love with you. Or I might be confusing love with the burning desire to tie you to my bed and have my way with you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Don’t feel bad, DP13; I don’t either.
Mmmmmmmmmm……beeeeeeeeeeeer. I’m working on a Franziskaner Dunkel weissbier as we speak. Beer is good. Especially with a hamgina sandwich (I was joking about the sweet tea).
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:19 pm
[...] on Cracked.com, Dan O’Brien has taken it upon himself to review Rosanne Barr’s blog. First of all, Dan, you deserve a medal, my friend. Second, while I’ve never been a fan of [...]
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:18 pm
You’d go to jail, where some guy would be dropping his God Rocks on you in the shower. (I’m 16)
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
That could be a a cereal. A “hip” angel would come out of the box and be like “God Rocks! They’re sacrilicious!”
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Jinx! Simultaneous “sacrilege” jokes. I owe you a beer.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I have no idea what any of that meant, J-Paps. All I got was “penguin ‘ho’s.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Coloreds?!? Dammit, I wish they’d make up their minds! Um, I mean, Damn scrait we do.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Mmmmm, sacrilicious.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:12 pm
LMAO Tulip Sniper! That quote had just the right amount of sacrilege in it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Sweet. I was thinkin’ “Gangsta” ’cause that’s how I kick it; but ‘dem cloistered penguin ‘ho’s need love too. My man JC got too much else to do to take care o ‘bidness wit’ all ‘dem bitches. Somebody gotta mop up, yo.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
@J-Pappi: G-Rocks. The letter “G.” You know, the one after F. Because his names “G”ladstone.
And I believe they go by “coloreds” now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
“God Rocks”, Dr. J-. As in, “I totally dropped my God Rocks all over that nun’s face.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Precisely.
Needless to say, my money’s on DOB as well.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Wouldn’t that be more like J-Rocks? C-Rock is already taken by a negro comedian.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Because we all know there’s nothing more hardcore than a Christian rapper.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
The plural is clearly more hardcore. It makes him sound like a Christian rapper.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Either G-Rocks or G-Rock.
Your choice, G-Rock[s].
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
G-Rocks!
I hope that sticks, DP13.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
@greengoddess: Do you really want to see Wayne Gladstone without a shirt?
But if you do have some sort of Battle O’ The Bloggers, $20 says my main man in a can, Dan O’Brien puts G-Rocks in a coma.
Gladstone, I made you a nickname.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:39 pm
DOB and Gladstone fighting it out would have all the excitement of two old men fighting over a fucking dinner roll with a mace and a machete, but really, really funny.
Just imagine the infight banter, I don’t know what it would be, I said imagine.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Hope you enjoyed that visual
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
So she bashed Pro-lifers, because they were trying to control her body and worship fetuses or some shit. Then she bashes Obama’s wife for supporting abortions? She needs to make up her mind. Actually, she needs to toast her hamgina and give birth to some delicious sandwiches, but whatever
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
If DOB and Gladstone fight it out, I imagine it would take a very long time.
GG, R_I and I have had problems with UPS before. I expect you clicked “Rush delivery” which was sweet (I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now that someone else remembered…and such a thoughtful gift too!), but “Standard Delivery” actually seems to work better in regards to dead hookers. Amazon’s customer service is usually pretty cool about it, though. So, is she black? White? Asian? Underage or old and skanky? Ohhhhhh, ok; I’ll wait and see like a good little Pappi. It’s more fun that way anyhow.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:20 pm
@ J-Pappi : sorry, my dead hooker must have gotten lost in the mail. I’ll call Amazon and get that straightened out.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:17 pm
If DOB and Gladstone do fight it out, it simply MUST be shirtless.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:10 pm
And thanks for the fresh shipment of dead hookers for my birthday the other day (that’s right, you assholes; only two of you remembered); that’s where I got the juice for the sandwich. No complaining; gotta love it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
R_I, I can tell you from personal experience publishers are the hamginas of the literary world; DOB is wise to avoid them and their evil, penurious machinations.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Also, I’d love to see a brutal brawl between Gladstone and D.O’B. I’d pay to watch that.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:59 pm
And now I see you’ve solved that problem. Your check and/or dead hookers will be in the mail.
“And to Jon, who just asked if a hardcopy was available for sale, I can respond with a booming and resounding “No.” But, if you really want Bartender in a form that you can take into the bathroom, I’ve included the above picture as the cover. You are encouraged to print out all of the chapters and staple them together. And then mail me a check for $100. This will have to do until the fat cat publishing companies decide to wise up and dump truckloads of money on my lawn.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Dude, D.O’B.–I’m talking about an actual paper book for which you would get actual paper money! Or a cartload of dead hookers, if you consider that “legal tender.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
“…post your naked pics on the net and see what people say about you. This is the meditation for humility, and compassion. Invite your loved ones to laugh at you, and accept their fat jokes graciously. As soon as that happens, call me and I will join up with you.”
We need to move the entire internet five miles down the road. They’ll never be able to walk that far.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
“That’s like six kinds of crazy and there are only five unique words in that entire sentence.”
That was an incredible sentence. I had to stop reading for a second to contemplate just how awesome it was.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Dan, I wish you were my dad.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Sorry..edit: SHOULD’NT have written it..
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Whoa oh oh! Looks like D.O.B. and Gladstoney have a thing for the same chick. There’s only one way to settle this guys: an epic battle of virtual rock, paper, scissors. GO!
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
@machine girl
Sorry if I hit a nerve with the salt-sprinkling. I should have written it so authoritatively. But you said “they stole it from us” so I’m assuming this isn’t the first time you heard of this ritual being crossed over from good to evil. Regardless, Barr’s insertion of spirituality freaks me out given her warped take on, well, everything.
And I am a chick and stopped cold after visualizing hamgina.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
DOB,
How dare you talk to greengodess that way. It’s on!
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
And when I opened Roseanne’s blog i was beset by feelings of fear and anguish…
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Damn, now I’m in the mood for a ham and pussy-juice sandwich and a glass of sweet tea.
DOB, you’re one humorous motherfucker.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I just noticed now, by the size of the glass. You crazy Irish mofo you.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@Res_Ispa: Thanks, but I already have written a book. It’s this free online book that I may have mentioned in passing once or twice.
@Panzier-Stier Ross: It’s Guinness, my brother.
@greengoddess: What’s up, Baby?
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
“I assure the ass I sit on when I make fun of you is well-toned”…loves it!
lol@ vogue pose
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
That was pretty badass. Oh, and what are you drinking in the first picture?
I could guess JD, since I recognise the JD foam on coke by now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
DOB, when you stood up all manful to Hyde and threatened to delete his posts, I got kinda turned on.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Nicely done, reaming Hyde like that. His shit was getting annoying. I love how he tried calling what he was doing “Promoting.”
Anyway, I’m glad glendoor pointed that out, about how you’re always looking in some other direction… Is something cool happening over there?
Also, I love the picture of Roseanne with her fat fucking face hovering over all those sandwiches. She looks as happy as a retard on his birthday!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Maybe DOB should review Hyde’s blog sometime. He might be worse than Roseanne.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Kingmonkey, when did you change from lover to fighter? I thought I knew you! But not in the Biblical sense.
D.O’B., you need to a) write a book; I think you’d make the next great American novel–although I suppose three chapters of it would be entirely devoted to why Gladstone is “pathetic,” (i.e. loves Eve 6), which leads me to point b) stop this insane Gladstone-trashing and admit your unrequited great love for Monsieur Gladstone.
Hyde: Project Wonderful Ads. They’d be a better resource than Cracked.com comments. D.O’B. just might start a holy racial war jihad crusade blitzkrieg bop against your ass. This man (D.O’B.) is fucking taking on Google, so he’s been in the trenches. With the homeless and their peepee smell.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
No, Ben Dude, you are not the only one, but I have been accused of having brain damage.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Oh Yeah,….First.
One question Dan, just about every picture of you, you always seem to be looking off camera at something, you kind of look fearful to me are you generally worried about something or is this just your vogue pose?
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Hyde…. Oh, Hyde.
You’ve got 10,000 hits from Cracked, but you most certainly have not had a good response. Allow me to explain what goes on, just in case you can’t understand. I’ll even do it in list form, to keep up the spirit of Cracked.
1. You (Hyde) post link to your blog.
2. We (The good people of Cracked.com) click the link, out of curiosity. Mmkay? You following?
3. We (still the good people) promptly return to Cracked.com (the site your on right now.) and make fun of your sorry ass blog. In one of DOB’s previous blogs, we had a full conversation about how your blog is shit.
So no. You did not get a good response. You got 10,000 people who looked at your blog, and proceeded to bash it on Cracked.com. Right after wiping the projectile vomit off of theiir computer screens, of course.
I hate you.
-DP13
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
If this is a battle of illiteracy, bad analogies and crackpot shrieking Hoboesque rants then I’d gladly become DOBs Liutenant.
“Becuause of tha baised right wing media stealing hour childrens brainz. McCain will take our grandparents organs and sell them to Al Queida for beer money, and God will strik him down.
Don’t listen to Tom Cruise, he’s a queer Satanist.”
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Am I the only one who thinks that since she got a little plastic surgery and bleached her hair, that Rosanne is kinda hot?
Anyone? Please?
Fuck! I did it again! Damn it!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
You may have won this round, but the battle has just begun.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
“I am, we can say, the charming, well-toned Plato to her bitter, doughy Socrates, if you will. ”
Heh.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Wow, she kind of blows Rosie O’Donnell’s squirrel blog out of the water, doesn’t she? Although, I think I will start using her phrase “exposed butt-oxes” from now on.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
This picture of DOB is different…new material for “double clicking the mouse?” If you know what I’m saying…
and I think you do.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Dear Hyde,
You haven’t been promoting your blog, you’ve been spamming. I am going to start deleting your posts unless you either
a) Contribute useful commentary that’s actually relevant to the post.
b) Lavish me with loads of praise.
And my problem isn’t that you’re here trying to plug pictures that have been on the internet for about five months. It’s that I’m sick of you.
Not only am I the kind of person who will willingly spend a day deleting comments, I am the kind of person who really, really enjoys doing it..
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
That’s great, blah blah blah Roseanne is a terrible person and we all knew that, but I’d like say something here. I’ve promoted my blog on cracked.com before and I’ve had a nice response, and by nice I mean about 10,000 hits from cracked, thank you, but I’ve just been sent pictures of Megan Fox (from Transfomers) topless from the set of “Jennifer’s Body”. I know TMZ has them now and I don’t really care for celebs, but this girl is a work of GOD and she dates 90210 actor Brian Austin Greene, kill me! Check it out http://www.onblastatlast.com.
Hyde D Montage
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
In a slight, not in any way sympathetic or supportive defense of Barr, partial birth abortion can involve using forceps to cut open the newborn’s soft skull and sucking out the brain with a vacuum. Probably to spare it the horror of realizing it is stuck in a sweaty, greasy hamgina, and is caught between falling out into a pile of mommy’s poo or going back and touching, looking at, or accidentally googling the placenta. Birth is a horrifying thing.
That aside, she’s still fucking insane.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
@ josie.
Sprinkling salt in a circle is actually a classic ritual in wicca, paganism, neo-wicca and other earth-based religions.
NOT SATANISM. They fucking stole it from us just like they fucking stole everything that makes them “unique”, the upside-down pentacle? they just took OUR symbol and inverted it which makes like, negative sense because wiccans don’t believe in satan.
although, to be fair, i can accept your inference that miss piggy there is a satanist. she seems like someone dumb enough to buy into that crap.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
So I was picturing a T-shirt for my 1 year old son that says, “Womb Raider” when I got to the word “Hamgina.”
I am laughing. Not lol, but really fucking laughing.
I’m sure I’ll get made fun of for this, but fuck it: as crazy as she is, “She Devil” is one of my favorite movies…
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
@ Pingollum:
“Oh and if there is a God, Roseanne Barr will read this blog post and promptly choke on her own bile. Amen.”
HALLELUYAH!!!!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Hamgina?!?!
Amazing.
You turned back a wave of black nausea with that one.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:26 pm
There are times when I am unable to adequately find a good example of precisely what I mean by the term “Bat-shit, chainsaw-fucking, outhouse rat insane”. Thanks to DOB, this is no longer a problem.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to wash the bit of vomit that came up, upon reading “greasy hamgina”, out of my mouth.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Ok, it’s a little old to comment on this at this point, but…
Hamgina?!?
HAHAHAHAHA!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
DOB I love you more each time I read you. You are really funny, please don’t ever make me think about Roseanne’s naughty parts again.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
i find this very offensive , mr dan o’brian. i call a racial holy war upon cracked.com.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
When I heard about her rant I actually thought, “Roseanne is still around, and her comments are still reported in the public eye. I hate humanity.”
I really do hate humanity now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
Oh and if there is a God, Roseanne Barr will read this blog post and promptly choke on her own bile. Amen.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
oh don’t talk about Rosanne Mr. OB, that will just give her the attention and publicity that she (and her hamgina) so desperately crave.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
I, for one, find it extraordinarily insulting that Mr. DOB dare place Roseanne and pigs in the same category. An extraordinary insult to pigs, that is.
I do not think Roseanne should be classifed as part of a noble specie that provided us with bacon and Babe. She should be more adequately compared to a particularly plump coconut crab, or an obese strain of HPV.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
thank goodness I already went to the bathroom because I would have been peeing my pants from laughing so hard…seriously to this date this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read, really. And Roseanne has a lot of nerve talking about other people spitting out babies, she already had 4 when she got pregnant by her limo driver or whoever the hell donated sperm.
Mr O’brien, if I was a male, and wore a hat, I would tip it to you, however if I was a male, I might have also been even more grossed out by picturing Roseanne’s “parts” and wouldn’t be able to write. As a female, I never think about female parts, so I was able to skim right over that
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
“(I am making fun of you.)” Solid fucking gold.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:49 am
No problem. You shouldn’t have got drunk on a Thursday.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:36 am
@DP13 The thought of getting “hit right in the face with ‘greasy hamgina’” made me gag. Thanks for making this hangover worse.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
btw, Gladstone. I was once in a club devoted to big red buttons. It had around 350 members. So you are just a little less popular than a certain color of button.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
Clearly your facebook friends make you valid as a person.
DOB you should look into this. You may be worthless at the moment.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 am
You know, DOB, you talk about not wanting disgusting pictures in your head, then you hit us right in the face with “greasy hamgina.”
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:58 am
Roseanne and Rosie O. are the same person. It should be obvious by now.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Yeah, I had to go there (her blog)..under Taco Night, she describes sprinkling salt in a circle outside her door. Sprinkling salt in a circle is a classic ritual in satanic worship. (source: James Patterson.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:47 am
“Piglicity” made me lol so hard.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:39 am
DOB you rock my world.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:39 am
Roseanne is a boil on the butt of humanity.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 am
Is that woman (wopig???) crazy????? That was so unbelievable. I actually read couple of her blogs to confirm - yes, she IS *that* crazy…
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 am
an. I can’t believe I missed the N. Damn it, now DOB’s going to slaughter the blog I intended to write.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:36 am
Over 200 makes you a attention whore, though.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:32 am
You forgot to mention the “Gladstoners” facebook fan club. If I get up to 200 members, then I’m a REALLY good person, right?
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:31 am
Hamgina!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!