As I’m sure you are all aware, this past Saturday was my 23rd birthday. And while I was flattered by the nation-wide ticker tape parades, newspaper headlines, and laser carvings on the surface of the moon, I’m afraid my birthday may have eclipsed other, less worthy news items.
So now that the Cristal stains are all steam-cleaned out of the carpet (my Mom got me a new steam cleaner!) and George Clooney’s finally woken up and staggered home, I think it’s a good time to talk about a little story that you may have missed on Saturday.
Namely, the release of Dungeons and Dragons: Fourth Edition, which caused quiet, dusty nerdgasms all across the blogosphere.
My thoughts on the matter can best be summed up by my hope that Gary Gygax’s recently inhabited coffin’s got some padding in it, so he doesn’t hurt himself when he starts violently rolling over.
I’ve long had the sneaking suspicion that the bastards at Wizards of the Coast were just waiting for the G-man to go tits up so they could gut the franchise, and Fourth Edition finally proves me right.
Now, I’m sure I’ll take a lot of flak for that sentiment, especially since every geek outlet and Wizards devotee on the net has been singing the praises of the new edition, and why? Just because a massive streamlining has changed the game’s rules from a horrendous chore that only the most dedicated nerds could navigate without spewing out Cheeto powder in frustrated impotence, to a fun role-playing game that nearly anyone can pick up in an afternoon.
To paraphrase Dr. Malcolm from that Youtube re-enactment of Jurassic Park: these saboteurs were so excited to see if they could make D&D more accessible that they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I mean, how many fun, easy-to-play RPGs are out there? Lots. That’s why video games were invented…to roll dice behind the scenes while our various anime characters shoot things with swords somehow.
But how many, dense, torturous analog RPGs–where your life and death can hinge on any number of obscure modifiers hidden in any number of monolithic tomes large enough to crush a man’s skull–are sitting on the shelves?
One. Dungeons and fucking Dragons. And now you’ve ruined it.
I ask you, where are we to go? We, the people who play because there’s nothing sweeter than flipping through a book for five minutes to prove that our Halfling’s Alertness feat counteracts the 16 move silently check from the Undead Priest.
We, the people who live for the opportunity to hunt through the Monster Manual to find out whether Delvers travel alone or in pairs, and if they’re intelligent enough to be mindlinked. You know, so you can gain its vast knowledge of dungeoneering.
We, the people who make scrupulous notes about every crossbow bolt the enemies fire, and force the DM to roll every time to see if they break (taking into account the hardness of the surface being struck).
We, the people who screech incoherently at the DM about a rigged game if a Kobold so much as thinks about firing more arrows than he had on his person when the battle began.
In other words, the totally unrelenting dicks for whom the game was designed in the first place.
That’s why I’ve written the following list of demands for D&D Fifth Edition, which Wizards will probably release later this year, after a mob of angry, fifty-year-old fat guys in cloaks charge their offices and claw them viciously with their finger-length silver rings, spilling Mountain Dew absolutely everywhere.
Don’t disappoint, Wizards. Otherwise I’ll only buy a single copy of all the Fourth Edition books, rather than my habitual three. And please, those of you readers who dabble in the D&D (and I KNOW you’re out there) feel free to add anything you’d like to see in Fifth Edition. The revolution starts now.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael rides his birthday jet skis around his birthday lake as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Monday, June 9th, 2008 at 3:00 pm and is filed under Dungeons and Dragons, Gary Gygax, I'm a Nerd, My Birthday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 19th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
2 Ed + Rule 0, bitches.
October 14th, 2009 at 4:43 am
I’ve been running games since 2nd ed (early 90’s), and am currently playing in a 4th ed game.
2nd ed stands as the worst system I’ve seen (I’ve never looked into 1st ed). The “saving throws” system especially stands out in my mind, as bad RPG mechanics go.
3.5 was pretty much the pinnacle. The D20 system streamlined gameplay without sacrificing detail and verisimilitude. The skill system filled a big gap, and feats, Prestige Classes, and 3rd ed multiclassing allowed ulimited, open-ended options for character generation without threatening game balance too much. 3.5 clarified many rules that the DM uses, such as customizing monsters, and adjusted the balance of the classes.
4th ed represents the point where they’ve given up on maintaining variety, detail, and open-ended character generation, in favor of the most stripped-down system they could get away with. I feel like I’m playing an “Introduction to D&D” board game. Hack’n'Slash combat seems to be the focus, and all of the charcters have been equalized in terms of complexity/simplicity. As such, I quickly scrapped my Wizard in favor of a Fighter, since the Wizard’s been oversimplified so badly, and all we do is attack every round anyway.
The system’s still novel for me, and there are a couple of newbie gamers in the group, so it’s fun…for now. I don’t think these romp-and-stomp battles will hold everyone’s interest forever, and I already miss the 3.5 Cleric I was playing before.
I have no intention of running my own games in anything but 3.5.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I have no Idea about 5th edition but I believe some generous people at Wizards whom I can only describe as “Saintly demigods that make paladins look like corrupt pigs” came out with Pathfinder (or 3.75), I was introduced to DnD during the 3rd edition era so I’m used to (and prefer) all the complex rules. pathfinder encompasses the “realistic” rule set of 3.5 while giving the PC’s the badassery they’ve always wanted. slight changes were made to character class which are now more badasser, races (yes gnomes are a core race still) are slightly different (such as humans given an ability score plus of their choice) and even the skills are changed (fly is added for those who can fly, and max skills are brought down to the same as your level) there are plenty of other changes that I feel 3rd should have begun with in the first place.
SHADOWDANCER!!! *the room immolates with green fire which is fueled by pure awesomeness that only the Shadowdancer can fuel*
September 20th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
darkjon@hotmail.com
September 20th, 2009 at 4:55 am
They didn’t take gnomes out of 4th ed. Gnomes are now in the second player’s handbook, which has been on store shelves for quite some time now.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
They took out gnomes in 4th ed, this is unforgivable, I hereby turn my back on wizards of the coast.
September 18th, 2009 at 6:20 am
JC?
Remember the Psionic handbook for 3.0 and the Expanded Psionic Handbook and complete Psion for 3.5?
September 16th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Well, 3.x sucks because there are no psions.
September 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I was introduced to D&D post 4th, meaning I went and bought all the 4th books, only to find out the group I joined played 3.5, meaning I had to go and buy all THOSE books. In the 4th’s defence, I personally think the spells are easier to understand, albeit much less awesome, and there are less tedious and pointless specifications. Other than that, 3.5 is better, because the idea of only 5 alignments, dragon-people and no sorcerers is just plain silly.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
As Anonymous said on 12 Aug; one of the big problems with 4E is that they raped wizards of spells.
A further related problem: Every other class got all sorts of “Powers” added to them. Now, when a standard fighter makes a successful hit on an enemy, he can magically cause every other character in his own party to be healed. Or all sorts of crazy similar things. Every character is now a WoW superpower, with all kinds of magical effects stemming from almost any action they take in combat. It’s just a power-leveling madhouse…which was one reason TSR made 2nd edition more limiting than the originals…because to many players were claiming to have 74th level Granddaddy of the GrandMasters Monks with Irresistable Quivering Palm Strike that could instantly disintegrate an ancient dragon.
I bought only the PHB and DMG of 4e (only the first ones…didn’t bother with PHBII and DMGII), simply so I could have an objective opinion of 4e and WotC’s work on D&D. Damn shame what they’ve done to it, and how they’ve ruined AD&D by trying to convert it into a power-crazed computer game on paper. 2nd edition had lots of good, and some bad…Original AD&D, with plenty of additions from Dragon Magazine, was the best version there has ever been.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
i still only play 2nd edition. Its not complext to the point where your playing a single fight for 8 hours
August 12th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Fuck 4th edition.
I like good old fashioned 3.5 where the rules are so complex that you risk losing a finger every time you look up the effects of the spells you have just because the PHB is so fucking big.
Speaking of spells, how did Wizards manage to royally fuck up the spell-casting system in 4th ed like they did? Fucking power system. I’m all for martial classes being more fun, but you don’t have to go and anal rape the wizards by removing half their useful spells and converting half of what’s left into fucking “Rituals.” I wish I hadn’t bought the rule books because I’ll probably never use them, but I’m glad I only payed about $60 for them (fuck yeah box set!) rather than flushing away.
July 31st, 2009 at 6:55 am
Yeah, 3.5 is, by far, the best system.
What I really wanna do is have rules for creating my own army. You see, a friend of mine who shall remain nameless JAMMED THE EYE OF VECNA INTO HIS EYESOCKET AFTER TAKING HIS OWN OUT, then became a cleric of Vecna and got some castle which looks like some sort of Cobra base, which means that I now call his character “COBRAAAAAA!!!!!!!!” Well, MY character is a barbarian and a cleric of Kord, so, to counteract that level of coolness, I want to form my own mercenary army: the Swords of Kord!
July 31st, 2009 at 4:57 am
In order to have any in game pet, you must break in to a genetic engineering lab in southern California and create the damn thing yourself first. I have already made a dire rat-with-human-ear-stuck-to-its-back.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:16 am
I have played since 1st edition, never really got into 2nd edition too much because I was young and had no money to buy books. Once 3rd edition came out I had to buy all the books because it was so awesome that I just about creamed my pants. Then 3.5 came out and I was a little pissed off cuz I just spent all that cash on the 3rd edition books but still went out and bought all them too. (well worth it for most of them imo) Then I heard about 4th edition and I couldn’t wait for it to come out. Once in the book store flipping through on my way to the counter I stopped dead in my tracks turned around and put it back. I had a friend that already bought the books and I went to his house for a gaming session. I will say this, That is the most ass raped fucked up game I have ever played. Any old school pre 4th edition player will or should say the same thing. Every class has the ability to “heal” themselves!?!? WTF is the point of roling (favorite class) a cleric? Fuck you Wizards and the next edition you better not disappoint like you did with 4th.
July 26th, 2009 at 8:02 am
3.5 is and always will be the best version of D&D. Even though I do not scream at DMs to roll if the arrow is destroyed (
), I do spend countless hours pouring over 100+ books to see which feat/spell/item I will get on the next level. And boy do I enjoy it.
3.5 > 4 simply because of the options. Hundreds and hundreds of classes, prestige classes, feats, items, class abilities, spells, skills. Each and every class can be played in many ways just because of them. Sure, 4e is balanced, but why is that important? This isn’t World of Warcraft where people will whine if their class sucks at PvP, to hell with balance, I’ll take 3.5 any day of the week.
July 19th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I have the rather perverse pleasure in saying that I have been playing the game since I was about 7 years old (my father was the DM!). What could be more hilarious than watching your seven year old son try and figure out that the overly soft yellow bar on a pedastal my character kept meddling with is nothing more than a stick of butter! Ah, kids are so stupid. Anyway, I digress. I started with the original, but moved through all versions as I continued to play with my friends. I have to say that my favorite is, and always shall be, 2nd edition. I recently played 4th edition at the local “geek club,” and I have to say that, beginning at 3rd edition, the game took a horrible turn for the worse. If you all remember, being as geeky as I (of course!), Wizards of the Coast became associated with Blizzard, and it was at this point that pen and paper game began to feel exactly like Diablo. Now, while I think Diablo 2 is the best fucking game ever created, I like the above columnist stated, wish to keep my video games and roleplaying paper games seperate. So, to Wizards of the Coast, I say this: You will not get one dollar more from me. Until I die, all my cash stopped at 2nd edition and all of it’s books. You want to make some real money? Re-release 2nd edition in all it’s glory in bindings and on paper that is nearly indistructable. What geek worth their weight in salt wouldn’t pay that much for a monster manual (or the numberous expanded manuals) bound in leather and printed on linen paper? Eh? Eh?!
July 10th, 2009 at 3:44 am
FUCK YOU WIZARDS OF THE COAST.
Dammit, I used to geek out playing version 3. Back when I was 12, and girls were things to be feared, D&D was the shit. My fucking level 20 Sorceror with demon steed was the dogs bollocks, and it took ages reading the character sheet to see what skills he had. And now they chop off the (Admittedly yet to drop) balls that D&D had. Fuck them, I’m going to go and cry into my cheetos.
July 5th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Let me qualify this post by saying right off the bat that I have played no version but 4.0. I was introduced to the game right around the time 4.0 came out, and my friends who already played converted.
That being said . . .
I don’t understand the comments that say 4.0 is not customizable, or doesn’t leave room for imagination, or doesn’t allow the creation of unique characters. I’ve just started a new campaign with a new character, and I have to say character creation is one of my favorite parts. I play Morryn Greentree, a gnome bard who has a distinct personality and history. Sure, I gave him high Intelligence and Charisma to make him a better bard, but I then was able to make the decision to make Wisdom my dump stat. Hence, he’s smart and charming enough to convince people to do really stupid things. That’s a character decision, and only one of many, many ways to create unique and interesting characters.
And as for the people who complain that there aren’t enough rules and modifiers . . . Jesus, I just spent nearly a whole session poring over the rules for grappling and death by drowning because we fought a zombie who grabs you and jumps into the water. I can’t imagine the complexity of 3.0 if it’s worse than that.
Anyway, point being, I’ve had a lot of fun, but it’s still complex enough to challenge me. Sure, you could probably play a bland game that only scratches the surface, but that’s only if you have a bad DM and/or unimaginative players. I’m all for 4.0.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
So glad to see others mention Paizo and their efforts to keep D&D alive with Pathfinder. With 4th edition being the latest example of corporations not learning the lesson of “New Coke”, I am relieved to see that at least the ROLE PLAYING (not “combat encounter”) game I grew up with will still keep going strong, regardless of who it’s publisher is. Open Source FTW!
May 1st, 2009 at 12:54 am
i think 4th ed seriously nerfed the spellcasting classes. a good example is not allowing wizards to cast more spell in a single combat as they advance in level. i mean seriously, a high level wizard has only two puny at will spells (that are equivalent to blowing dust on an orc), a single encounter spell (that you have to roll to hit, wtf? can wizards really miss someone when they control exactly where the spell is cast), and a single badass daily power (again it can miss too, wtf? i dont want the only power i’ve been waiting to use to fizzle out and turn my wizard into an elf with his thumb up his butt watching the fighter literally tear the ground open under his enemies.
In my opinion a wizard should be able to cast spells that effect the outcome of a battle. also one last thing; what is the point of even having a cleric in the game when you can eat your spinach and gain a second wind WTF?
April 27th, 2009 at 12:31 am
Oy, gawdz. You whiny little snot. If it ain’t easy then you don’t wanna do it. If it’s work, then you’ll just pack your books and go home. Fine then. May Cthulu find your gonads to be tasty. I’ll be over here with my 2nd Edition, saving the princess for the 56th time.
April 25th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Well it’s still better than 3.5, since at least martial classes stand a goddamn chance. CoDzilla’s were horrible in 3.5, and there was very little reason to take fighter for more than a few levels.
April 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I dunno. Honestly all the hot chicks I know who play D&D are more into the complex roleplaying aspect.
April 18th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Actually, I would argue that YES players should be pursued by law enforcement officers, if they’ve broken laws! That is they way the world works. It just doesn’t make sense that your players shouldn’t have to deal with thinking through the possible consequences of their actions. You can’t be creative if your environment reacts in some way that isn’t realistic, and if you take out making clever plans to get past obstacles like that, what’s left? It’s the most fun part of D&D, besides the roleplaying. That is what I’m concerned about as far as 4th edition. The people who like it are the hard-core Magic players who say things like “Magic is a math problem with pictures”. I’m not interested in gaming the rules to beat up stuff and get snazzy swords with some elves there for scenery. I’m interested in interacting with the world of the game however I want, with a well rounded character, unhindered by railroading.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Zerchai, have you checked out planewalker.com? An ongoing Planescape fansite complete with a set of 3.5 campaign rules that Pathfinder should be compatible with.
Now that’s a win-win scenario.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I started in the first edition days, but really got into the game with second edition - in particular, the Planescape campaign setting remains my hands-down favorite. With that said, 3.5 is my favorite rules system - the basic system is clear and easy to run, yet modular enough to allow for near-limitless possibilities. 4E has a lot going for it if you’re interested in a streamlined system, and in fact, I find it has remarkable similarities to 2E - almost as if it was a rules system developed parallel to 3E as a follow-up to 2E. But the primary reason for my writing is one I was surprised to see not mentioned by previous 3.5 fans; Paizo’s Pathfinder roleplaying system, lovingly called 3.75 by its fans.
Paizo is the publishing company behind Dungeon and Dragon magazine, and when WotC took away their license, they decided to say ‘eff them’ and developed their own system. Seriously, if you’re a fan of 3.5 that wishes it was still supported, check out the Pathfinder system - it’s still in beta, but it’s also completely free to download, and it’s AMAZING.
April 4th, 2009 at 4:16 am
異性との関係において「ひょっとして家庭教師 東京オレのこと好きなのかな？」
「これ、いけちゃうんじゃない？」と思うときを聞いた今回のランキング。
１位に選ばれたのは《「一緒に帰ろっ」失恋と言われる》でした。
声をかけた女性にしてみれば「帰る方向がいっしょだし、
途中まで……」程度なのかもしれませんが、声をかけられた男性は、「
この時間に席が取れるレストランはあったかな」webマーケティングと食事の予定を考えはじめたり、
「靴下に穴が開いていたら彼女の家にお邪魔した時にマズいな」とあらぬ方向に妄想をナンパ膨らませたりと大忙しです。
April 1st, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I want an airship in 5th edition. No, not stats for one, but an actual helium-suspended boat right in the freaking box. For $35 a pop, I have more than payed for the right to laugh at the common folk below as I rain arrow-y death from above! Ha ha ha!
And bring back the repeater crossbow.
March 28th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
1f u l1k3 4th edition u r a n00b f4g lol!!!!!!
March 28th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I always enjoyed 3.5 for the high level of customization and characterization involved and allowed by character creation. You get to infuse aspects of their personality into their abilities, and the stories you can tell in the process are quite epic indeed. The problem I have with 4 ed is its lack of allowed customization, and the limits to what a given character can do. It is more accessible, and certainly can be fun to play if what you’re interested in is rampaging through hordes of monsters, but for some of us the more subtle interactions between characters and the world at large is what made the game interesting, and that is not found in 4th Edition.
March 24th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I guess I’m one of those few nerds that doesn’t mind any of the editions - they all have their pros and cons, and I do enjoy them all each in their own way. In some ways, 4th even feels like it’s returning to D&D’s roots as a somewhat free-form board game.
No. what chaps my hide is like what Doc Ike says below… 1st and 2nd editions each lasted more than a decade, producing a staggering variety of worlds and adventures to tool around with. Then in less than one decade, we’ve seen THREE fundamental rules changes and a sort of barebones approach to adventures and settings. Nowadays, you don’t like Forgotten Realms or Eberron, then tough noogies, because that’s all there is.
And then just to alienate their fans worse, Wizards’ marketing gurus, after eight years or so of hyping up the awesomeness of 3rd edition, basically started pimping 4th by telling us that we were losers for liking 3rd. “Characters with profession skills? You’re game’s no fun, dumbass.” “4th Edition won’t have gnomes or bards. Gnomes are stupid, and bards are just stupidheads who sing. Players who like bards are stupid.” (By the way, guess which race and class are “introduced” in Player’s Handbook 2: The Search for More Money?)
As for 5th Edition, it will see release around 2015, and there will be a subscription fee to create and save your characters online. Because “Computers are flawless at sorting out all the rules for you, and you’re a moron if you still like to use character sheets. Character sheets are for retards, and there’s no words for how much we fucking HATE you all.”
March 16th, 2009 at 11:09 am
@ SgtSnip - to hell with Newtonian physics, I want to see players working with relativistic effects
The 5th edition should require the players to be able to carry out any act that they wish their character to do.
Want to run up the wall, do a wicked backflip and throw a dagger in that guards back?
Proive you can…
March 13th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
As for the 5E rules no more of this 5 and 10 foot weapon reaches. Every player must come a filed down meter stick to prove that the longsword guy can hit the dagger guy before he makes his five foot adjust. Also, all weapon damages will be calculated using Newtonian laws of physics. A greataxe does not deal a d12+STR it deals mass times acceleration. Fuck yeah.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I’m having a hard enough time getting my head around 4th edition, so the idea that 3.5 was that much more complex just boggles the mind. Anyway, simple solution for those who want to run around screaming that the franchise is ruined, or whatever:
Keep your 3.5 books. Play 3.5. No-one will know, Wizards aren’t gonna hunt you down, you’ll still be able to play with your regular group who know 3.5. I’m pretty sure they couldn’t have made many more books for 3.5 anyway.
February 24th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I was weaned on 2nd Edition, and when Third came out, I was pissed. In the end, I actually never played it. Turns out what I went on to was 3.5. And I liked it. 2nd Ed. appealed to me because of the ability of character customization that was eventually allowed with all the ‘Complete Guides’ and things of that nature. I LOVED those books.
When I realized that 3.5 allowed for even more individualization by essentially breaking down a lot of the benefits of each class and letting you pick and choose, I really enjoyed it. It was character customization squared. You could really come up with just about anything you liked.
And now 4th Edition, and a huge step backwards.
4th Edition is the Mac of gaming. 3.5 (or even 2nd) was the PC. If you want something you can spend a little time on and infinitely customize with relatively simple tools, you go for the latter. If you can’t figure out the latter, don’t care to figure out the latter, or gave 3.5 a try and assumed that your difficulties were the system’s fault, and not the fact that you’re a goddamn idiot (as though every consumer product should appeal to your own individual level of incompetence without offering any options for enjoyment for those of us with an actual functioning cerebrum) then 4 is clearly for you.
I’m sure there are horrible “we don’t like paying royalties to the people who made it possible for us to fatten up this cash cow” reasons for it, but why couldn’t 3.5 have continued on as some sort of synonym for ‘Advanced’ Dungeons and Dragons, and then let 4th Edition come out so that every half-illiterate ADD addled retard on the planet could pick out a pregenerated character with, like, 1 stat and pretend that they’re playing D&D, too?
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Wizards needs to check their THAC0, because with 4E they seriously missed the mark!
ROLL YOUR INITIATIVE!!
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:27 am
On a mostly unrelated note, do people get paid to spam Cracked comments sections? I would love to jump onto that Ketchup Rocket.
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:23 am
Simple solution for those dissatisfied with the current D&D (which I never played, having stumbled upon): Rolemaster by Iron Crown Enterprises.
As I write this there is a 2′ stack of manuals for it sitting beside me, and about 15 others scattered about my house.
February 21st, 2009 at 2:13 am
I cut my teeth on the old Blue-box basic set, had a great deal of fun with First Edition during my teen years, and finally amassed a near-complete set of all rulebooks and supplements with Second Edition (which I found to be quite playable)… and then got fully disgusted with WotC’s unnecessary rewrites of the rules in thier attempts to wring more money out of the franchise, rather than by producing more adventures for the game within established settings.
Hasbro has continued this stupid policy (to avoid paying royalties to previous creators), and I haven’t been inclined to purchase any D&D materials in over four years as a result.
Seems like they’ve lost the concept of “Leave well-enough alone”…
February 1st, 2009 at 1:20 am
I personally don’t like 4e. It is streamlined and easier to play, but it loses a great deal of detail with the characters. The skill system is the thing I hate about it the most. But, honestly, I don’t find the rules that complex. I just role play. Players make and play the characters in a way that is fun for them, and I, as the DM, make a fun and engrossing story. I answer all the rules questions and, more importantly, make sure everyone has a good time. 4e, in my opinion, just makes making a unique character, from a system standpoint, more difficult.
January 28th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Wait, it took you five minutes to find the alertness feat? It is right at the beginning of the condensed table in the PHB. How is that hard to find?
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
you can keep your older editions and grow a neckbeard. i’ll take easier to setup & play over archaic and backwards any day, any time. i don’t have the spare time i used to in high school to stat out several unique monsters, tweak all encounters so that the poor fighter isn’t left useless while the wizard flies around polymorphed into a rhemoraz or the druid becomes a giant firebreathing bear with his smaller buffed bear companion while summoning even smaller bears.
i don’t want to have a weeklong headache for 4 hours of game. i just want to create a world where we can pretend to be magical elves.
4th succeeds far more then previous editions
December 5th, 2008 at 12:44 am
SEO ZONE is a search engine optimization(seo) firm, provides seo, seo article, seo tools,seo news and seo related informations,helping companies leverage the internet to increase revenues and profits.
September 11th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
TSR ftw
It was just a better game back then. I want to play an RPG not an MMO on paper.
September 5th, 2008 at 9:08 am
>But how many, dense, torturous analog RPGs–where your life and death can hinge on any >number of obscure modifiers hidden in any number of monolithic tomes large enough to >crush a man’s skull–are sitting on the shelves?
>
>One. Dungeons and fucking Dragons.
Ever heard of Rolemaster, mate?
August 21st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
They had it good in 2nd edition - lots of room for most anything the players felt would work, HUGE options for roleplaying (if you thought that 2nd was restrictive, you just don’t have a good enough imagination, inventiveness, or creativity to roleplay or complain about roleplaying consctrictions, as if you are bound to the game system for roleplaying, LOL), a strong system that wasn’t overcomplicated, and things made sense.
Then, they pumped out a “must-be-run-on-a-computer-unnecessary-bullshit” when 3rd came, and 4th just takes that cake and runs with it.
If they wanted to make a game meant for computer gaming, then they should have just come out and fucking said so, because that’s exactly what 3rd and 4th are.
Wizards of the Coast?
Moar liek Wiztards of teh Co$t, amirite?
Please, WotC, give us some of that old time awesomeness, without this excessive, bulky, and downright stupid flair tacked on.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:48 am
By making everyone super special, the gave each class a vest of flair covered in buttons, pins and knick-knacks. And look… everyone has a vest.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:42 am
5th Edition must require
1. A chapter in the DMG that is specially for XP bonuses that will be awarded to any player that can overpower a character using completely legitimate rules.
July 26th, 2008 at 2:03 am
I have run a game VERY successfully for around 15 ish years,, when 3.0 came out we grudgingly converted, but in the end were happy for it. Like every other great campaign, It has spanned several charicters from each player and run the gambit from 1st to epic levels….. There is no real possability for conversion to 4.0….at all…. I wish it just had another name.
This system is so dramaticly like an MMORPG and so dramaticly unlike a tabletop RPG I just cant like it. All my friends do. They say I’m insane. WTF! I FEAL LIKE I”M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
Adimittedly 4.0 is easy. Far more so than 3.5 BUT at what cost. 3.5 sparked imagination and creativity in a way that 4.0 just cant. Everything is spelled out, there is no more searching the books for the perfect some-such to Beat down the beasties. The paragon paths are at best limmiting.It seems that the next generation of players is a bit Lazy, or at the very least WotC are creating a crowd of cross Genra players cofortable with Primarily hack and slash gaming. For sure the pre-made adventures will be easyer to run,,,,but who uses them,,Almost no one I know.
Please tell me how I am wrong, because I must be. There just seems to be a level of deapth and realism (granted I use that word loosly, this is fantasy after all) that is unattainable with the new system. Seriously, A rouge can hit 9 dudes with one thrown dagger at first level? It’s no longer what it was. If it had a new name, I think I would love it.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I’m not sure if you played the new version but, it is a lot easier making your person and will-users aren’t so squishy.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:35 am
Hey, we just rolled up our first 4th edition characters tonight, and it actually turned out really well. We didn’t have enough time to actually play any tonight (not because it takes that long to make a character, it really doesn’t, we just did other things too), but everyone’s really excited. I was afraid the rules would be dumbed down, and while they occasionally over-explain things, that’s still much preferable to under-explaining things. I’ve played D&D for 8 years now, been a DM for almost all of it, mostly only played 3rd edition, and I like it quite a lot. My friend has only been playing Star Wars Saga since it came out, a few months ago. He played a little D&D, found it to be needlessly complicated (I have to spend skill points?! What about trained skills?!), and likes this much better. My other friend has played D&D for about 12 years, didn’t even play 3rd edition until a few months ago, always complained that it was too complicated compared to 2nd, even when I threw THAC0 in his face, and he likes this much better. My brother, who’s played as long as I have, has not yet made his character, but he likes what he’s seen so far. And, it’s not near vanilla; not only does every class have its own cool powers, a huge variety, each class has 4 paragon paths (except for Warlock, which only has 3); if you take the appropriate multiclass feat, you can take that classes paragon path. That’s a pretty huge variety right there. I think I might play a Paladin, multiclass Cleric, and take Angelic Avenger Path; who knows? Plus, this is only the first 3 rulebooks; while there were more classes in 3rd, 4th just came out. I already know that they want to add the swordmage, sorcerer, monk, barbarian, and druid classes ASAP, as well as various psionic classes. Now, I’m not saying that 4th edition’s perfect; I already have a bit of a problem with the fact the Int doesn’t really seem to do much of anything (other than AC, Reflex, Wizard attacks…okay I guess it does a lot), but I still think it ought to add to the number of skills. Hell, I heard before it came out that Int mod was supposed to be added as a bonus to all trained skills. Maybe its still in there, and I just missed it. Oh well. It’s not perfect, but I don’t think they made it because they hate us, and want to steal money straight from out pockets. I think they truly, and rightly, realized that 3rd edition had some fundamental problems that needed fixing, and this was the best, and coolest, way to do it.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Hey, I’m not fat, nor am I bearded! As a 2nd editioner, I take offence to that remark and hereby throw my +2 cane of arthritic inflammation at you. (My THAC0 is 5!)
June 16th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Cannot understand why somany men spend much time on games. It is boring to me!
Aren’t romance&love more interesting? Any nice guys there would like to chat with me(a sexy big curvy woman) and seek real fun at ___PlusMeet.c o m__? Many sexy big beauties and big manful guys mingle there. U will not be disappointed!
June 15th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
1st ed. - for the fatbeards.
2nd ed. - for the soon-to-be-fatbeards.
3-3.5 ed. - for me and my homies.
4th ed. - for those dumb enough to spend unnecessary money on a flawed gaming system designed to attract WoW players to tabletop RPG’s.
By the way, Games Workshop and WotC need to join forces and write the “Idiot’s Guide to Raping Our Fans out of Hard-Earned Money.”
Where’s my torch and pitchfork? Who wants to join the Lynch Mob against WotC?
By the way, me and my homies been playing since 1st ed. and 3-3.5 is the easiest and smoothest running system, IMO.
June 15th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Well you’re shit out of luck spambot , Swaim’s a dog raper.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
If you are a nice man, I surely would like to say “happy birthday!” to U and maybe we can arrange a dating @____PlusMeet.c o m__, where big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&romance together! Want to invite me to your birthday party?
June 12th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I’ve never played D&D, honestly, though I do like RPG video games and I mess about with Guild Wars, etc. It’s kind of amusing that while your average guy doesn’t take a whole lot of time out of his busy schedule of whatever-it-is-boys-do to think about complex games, most D&D players are boys. At the same time, your average girl loathes anything unrelated to boys, cars or clothes at this point, but now a lot of gamers are girls, too.
I swear to god I had a point when I started writing that. I think it was related somehow to irony, but I’m not really sure.
Demands for D&D 5? Every single race must speak a different language. You know, for realism. And that means the players have to speak their character’s language as well. Also, no guides for learning these languages or L’ithl’angerphanturianaut-to-Orc, etc. dictionaries need be produced– REAL fans should already know these languages.
June 11th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
My friends and I have been playing the same group of characters for over fifteen years. When 3rd Edition came out, we looked at it and said “why mess with a good thing??” We have been running a successful and ridiculously fun campaign for nearly two decades and we have 2nd edition to thank for it… sure, we’ve made some modifications to a few rules here and there, but only in the interest of moving the story along… and we still spend all sorts of time reveling in looking up random stats in random charts in random books. Fourth edition has been barely a blip on our radar, but I have to admit I was pleased with the reviews… yet another example of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it…”
June 11th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
The only reason I’m getting some 3.5th edition books, is that the program Fantasy Battlegrounds (by GlitterComm) is designed with them in mind. It’s a virtual tabletop designed for roleplaying over the net. For example, if I run the application, and you connect to my IP with your client, you see the virtual tabletop. We can all see each other’s rolled dice (except the DM can roll dice off the table in secrecy), the DM can load images and maps, etc. It has your charcter sheet loaded, etc. It looks pretty sweet. A couple of my friends and I are going to try it out soon.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
You had to know this edition would come out. Every franchise does it. Companies have to squeeze every last dime out of something, essentially killing the cash cow in the process. 2nd edition rules! I still have the books somewhere in my house.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Wizards of the Coast Ruined this game!
It’s not even Dungeons AND Dragons anymore!
Fourth Edition SUCKS!
MONEY GRUBBING WHOOOOORES!
June 11th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I totally agree kingmonkey…it WAS the story that made it fun. The beauty of D&D was once upon a time it was so simple you could sit down in one evening, roll up some characters and play an adventure, getting plenty of hacking and treasure hunting done in the process. If you had good roleplayers in the group, they would make fun and interesting characters.
But when 3rd edition came out, it opened the door for ENDLESS poring over magic books and compendiums and tedious crap that took forever, and pretty much killed the simple fun. If one wants a more complex RPG system, there are much better designed ones out there. GURPS anyone? far superior imo. BUt sometimes it’s nice to go back to the old simple AD&D for some quick fun.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Wow, that was possibly the most hilarious 4e related post I’ve read thus far (and I’ve read wayyyy too many of them!). Nice job!
June 11th, 2008 at 8:04 am
I used to play with a real rules lawyer. He owned all the books and believed that every one should be followed religiously. I felt it was more about the story than the mechanics. The following became a typical interaction.
“Okay, your Acid Spray spell spatters the Ogre Mage with sizzling green goo. He roars and swings at you with his enchanted katan-”
“What? It specifically states in the following books that the Ogre Magi’s hit dice give a maximum of X hit points, and their specific weakness to acid and flame-”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. Hey, you know what? You just got hit by a meteor.”
June 11th, 2008 at 4:24 am
What sucks about the newer editions is that they abolish the need for complex house rules that are known only to the longtime players in the group. We still play 2nd edition, and nothing beats getting to tell some new player that his stats need to be adjust like so, he needs to add three more that we made up, his race now has 6 sub-races he need to pick from, and the kit he wanted for his fighter has been modified out of recognizability… Sometimes they even come back for more abuse, and then we know they’re keepers!
June 11th, 2008 at 12:40 am
“I ask you, where are we to go?”
Hackmaster. That’s what that game was made for. Parodying ALL the crazy rules-lawyering and technicalities of AD&D’s earliest editions. There you shall find all the old school Nerd rules-orgy you could possibly desire.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:37 am
@ why not I ask -are you kidding? There are really awkward nerds that even other nerds avoid. There is always a hierarchy of nerditry. Do I need to show you the chart?
June 11th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Happy birthday.
This made me laugh my ass off–just today I was at my local game and used bookstore when the owner lambasted 4th Edition (which, being a cheap bastard and liking 3rd edition and other rpg systems, I will not purchase)–I looked at one of the books…and it is so dumbed down in made my brain throb.
For 5th Edition . In order to know a language in the game, the player must be fluent in both the language and one of the cultures it is spoken in. This includes at least one ethnic dance, and being able to cook in that certain ethnic style where the meat is of questionable origin and there are no cats or dogs anywhere in sight of the restaurant, yet the prices are low enough that you keep going back.
Also, all character sheets are to be written on vellum. Now that, is old school…not as old as wax or clay tablets, but still, pretty old.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Hey Swaim I liked the article ( Adv D&D rules….uh…rule) but who is the insufferable prick?
Clooney?
June 10th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
and this is why i dont play rpg’s anymore. there like a black hole man, a black hole.
cue 1000 yard stare
June 10th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
@ Stagnant —wait, D&D players can actually be higher up on the social ladder than others?
In my experience, we are a desperate bunch who can take all the friends we can get.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
@kingmonkey
-actually I have leveled up from girl friend to fiancee and I am a level 9 Tyllwydd Bard/level 2 phoenix disciple…plus I’m hot, and I am going to be a doctor–> very intelligent hot woman with geeky flair — a nerd boys [michael's] wet dream
Happy three days after your birthday PBR!!
June 10th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
How can you say its only got “vanilla” Have you seen the number of abilities each class gets to choose from? Or how about how at will, daily, and per battle actions allow all classes to make interesting choices every turn. This is a much better system then previously caster classes were the only ones with choices to make, warriors all went the same 2-3 feats you can get, and all basically just attacked. BORING! New system lets them have tons of choices every turn, every level, every time. Previously was vanilla or chocolate for most, now everyone can pick 500 flavors of things to do.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Hey dalia, Vin Diesel is gay.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I must say that simplifying the game was a great way to get the “young, hip, teenage crowd” into the game. However, replacing dice rolls with coin tosses may have been going too far.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Wild_Marker, you don’t understand how D&D works. Sure, you can play a few old school games here and there just for nostalgia, but if he doesn’t buy the new books by the time his next paycheck comes along they will revoke his ‘Nerd Card’. If he is the DM (guy who tells the story and runs the show) and he didn’t actually squirrel money away to buy it opening day… Jesus, his regular players would probably pelt him with dice. And let me tell you, sir, that many a geek owns a d100 the size of a baseball for just such an occassion.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Hey, Swaim has a girlfriend. She’s a level 8 Dryad priestess!
June 10th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Wow a 23 year old sarcastic D&D fan. You must be a hit with the ladies.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Wild_Marker… you are a goddamn fool. A FOOL, I SAY!
June 10th, 2008 at 9:45 am
er… why don’t you just get the old books, if it’s such a pain
you know, it’s like playing a game without patching it, if I don’t like what’s in the patch, then i don’t get it, simple
June 10th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Wait, how is it possible to make DnD easier by not making the whole system go crashing upon your head like WTC? I mean, the Book of Vile Evil has some evil characters and their descriptions, composed out of pages of letters and numbers that make sense. How can they make that easier?
Also, those dicks at game workshop are releasing 5th edition of rules that will probably make a Space Marine weaker than a Grot.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Well, I have to concede the 3.5 rules needed simplification … sadly, 4.0 threw the baby out with the bathwater. 3.5 allowed a huge range of choices, 4.0 offers one. Balance is good, but blandness is bad. It has good ideas, but it threw out a lot more good ideas to get there. The 3.5 icecream cart was overloaded and groaning beneath the weight. With 4.0, we have … vanilla. And that’s it.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:25 am
D&D is cool - but ShadowRun is way better when it comes to obsure table-top RPGs for the following reasons:
Polyhedral dice blow - give me a fist full of D6s any day (much better for puching whores)
Trolls are cooler when they are clubbing stuff with guns instead of clubs.
A lack of latex in D&D prevents me from role-playing my fetish for orks in rubber.
check and mate - bitches.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:35 am
“It adds realism.”
You’re the sort of guy who could make fantasy freaks burst into tears.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:58 am
If you are a big handsome man, I surely would like to say “happy birthday!” to U and maybe we can arrange a dating @PlusMeet.c o m__, where big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&romance together! Want to invite me to your birthday party?
June 10th, 2008 at 2:50 am
Weapon and equipment damage. Every time you get in a fight (or do anything, really), you should have to roll to see which pieces of equipment have broken.
And law enforcement should be added. As the game goes on, players are pursued by an increasing number of angry police officers of various races who will try to arrest them for the mass murders they’ve committed.
It adds realism.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Dr. Rotwang… Vin Diesel plays D&D and gets laid with much more chicks that you can propably count, he is an actor and boasts a physique that you most likely only dream about. The game you play doesnt matter what you will achieve, but the person that you are and how high you have your goals and what you are willing to do to achieve them.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:10 am
And bring back the random diseases table! There are so many new cool and horrible diseases, discovered by the writers of this magazine, that must be included. What’s that? They haven’t done that yet. Well, get to work, Cracked writers!
June 9th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
You mean they took that shit and made it MORE complex? Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all those other biblical folks. What the hell man? 3rd was bad enough. My friend can go on for days about that shit and I don’t understand a word and they made it more complicated?
Yay capitalism. -_-
Well since they wanna make it more complicated to play now, I think 5th edition should require all players have girlfriends who are no less than a “5″ on a 1-10 scale, and if there is a disagreement on her looks, all who oppose will roll a 1d4 (limit first 5 players) and the boyfriend of the woman in question will roll a 1d20 to see if he can stay and play. This woman cannot be hired for ooc money, no saving throws, or re-throws.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
All I’m sayin’ is it ain’t the complexity of the D&D rules, which frankly a fairly bright 4th grader could figure out, that’s keeping the game in the hands of insufferable pricks.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Holding up D&D as the acme of challenging, obscure, even arcane role-playing game rules is absurd. Once they were purchased by Hasbro, Wizards of the Coast should have switched the title from “Dungeons and Dragons” to the far more appropriate “Kindergartener’s First Role-Playing Game.”
June 9th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
PS I play Real Man (i.e. ‘funny dice’) RPGS — AND get laid. So stick it, ya drupes.
June 9th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Feh. Nuts to this 4E jazz, man. Castles & Crusades is what REAL men (and women, and cats, and possibly also HDTVs) play. C&C is like The Fonz and Johnny Slash COMBINED.
Which…means that, uh…it’s…
…
…well I like it better.
June 9th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I’m still trying to figure out 3rd edition.
June 9th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
why dont these DnD guys just move ont o WoW or something…MMOs are the future of overweight introverted nerds
June 9th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
In an effort to show the world how superiour the Cracked 5th edition is to the 4th, when the players meet, they must bring a friend who have never played any version of D&D before. All the rules must be understood by the newcomer before the adventure may begin.
If they do not concur that the 5th is better than the 4th, the paddle mentioned by Matthew Wiley shall be used as a Blunt Class Weapon to teach the newcomers.
June 9th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Other then to say happy Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary, I had no clue as to what you were talking about. Is this “D&D” the same as that World of Warcraft game?
June 9th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Shit Swaim, I hadn’t thought about Robert Asprin in years. Used to read ‘em all the time.
June 9th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
It sounds like a plot of a Big Bang Theory episode, they get the hot blonde to play the elf princess and convince her to bathe in the forest lake.
+5 Boners.
June 9th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
There is always a reason to touch female breasts (note the emphasis on FEMALE breasts, since lots of guys playing D&D sport a more than respectable pair themselves)
June 9th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
A sensationally insincere belated birthday to you.
As per Babycakes’ lyrical tale of aggression, hot women were never really intended to play D&D. So, you’re right Mr. Rogue1stclass (what nationality is that?), however, any really attractive people should be forewarned: like Jennifer Tilly playing in the World Series of Poker, there are advantages and disadvantages to those who transcend the stereotypes so lovingly embraced by the worldwide community of polyhedral dice aficionados: You, the beautiful person, while intoxicating some with your beauty-stink, are at the same time looked at suspiciously by some, warranting close scrutiny and sometimes totally unprovoked aggression (think the latter half of School Ties).
If I had to add a feature to 5th edition, it’d be a strict enforcement of parliamentary procedure and an enormous frat paddle to enforce it. Also, to further insulate beautiful women, there shall be instated a carefully devised rubric with which all female breasts are to be measured with by the DM before each game and at the approximate half-way point. There are again, no discernible justifications.
June 9th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Awesome! Now that they’ve simplified the rules, all the hot chicks are gonna play!
Oh, wait, no. It’s still D&D.
June 9th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Has anyone ever read “Little Myth Marker” by Robert Asprin? They have a card game in it with rules similar to Drake’s.
June 9th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I also demand a better system for dice rolling. Bring back Thac0, but make it a bit more convoluted to keep out all but the most dedicated of nerds. On odd days you want to roll low, on even days you want to roll high, but on leap years you reverse that. -10 becomes once again the best Armor Class, but in order to it that you have to purchase special negative dice that have a chance of sending you into the Bizarro world when you roll a d20 (or a 1, depending on the day and the year)
June 9th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Swaim, you may be younger than I am, and a better actor, and better at giving than receiving vigorous manly-like spartanesque deep tissue massages, but I promise you this: I’ve never played dungeons and dragons.
June 9th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I fucking lol’d.
After pyaying a few games, I can safely say that I love 4E…
Well, other than the silly terminoligy changes.