Cracked Columnists

The First Honest Piece of Advice About Girls on the Internet

bushswordAs Cracked has grown and expanded as a site, we've slowly become a more integral part of our readers lives. No longer merely a means to delay doing actual work by finding out which seven Presidents were the most skilled with edged weapons, Cracked has become the hub around which many of our readers base their lives.

Naturally, many of these readers have begun asking us for our advice on a variety of subject matters, perhaps convinced that our knowledge of enumerated subject matter makes us ideally suited to solve their problems. Which is a bit unfortunate. Given the manner in which most comedy writers live their lives, we are generally the last people who should be consulted for guidance on anything more complicated than how to base a meal on ketchup packets.

And indeed, for this reason, we haven't answered any of this mail to date, or more accurately, I haven't answered any of this mail to date. Management decided that I was best suited for the chore of dispensing personal advice, based on the premise that I'm the only columnist who knows how shoes work. And these letters have sat unopened in my inbox, pinned down by the enormous lack of regard I hold for our readership, until yesterday, when fate conspired to make me forget I had a column due until really late in the day.

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Q: How do I get girls to like me? Chet223

Easy. Start writing for Cracked.

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Q: How do I get girls to like me? J. Perry

Are there going to be a lot of these? FML. -rests hands in face for 12 minutes-

Be more attractive. Handsomer, smarter, funnier, wealthier, Italian-ier; anything like that. Women love attractive men.

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Q: How do I get girls to like me? Barry H.

Holy dog anus, there are going to be a lot of these aren't there?

Honestly, this isn't that complicated fellas. Girls will like what they want to like, and can't be tricked or convinced into liking you. Look at yourself in the mirror. That's what girls see. Do you see a cool, handsome guy? No? Then why would anyone want to date you? Maybe do something until you become a cool, handsome guy.

Jesus. Enough of these. I'm going to sift through the mailbag until I find a question that isn't about how to get girls to like you.

-43 letters later.- OK, here's one.

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bush_shoe_paintingQ: How do shoes work? M. Swaim

Shoes are sturdy artificial coverings meant to be worn over your feet. You can consider them to be a type of "foot hat" if that concept is easier to grasp. First invented by fucking cavemen several thousand years ago, shoes are one of mankind's least remarkable achievements. Many cultures consider shoes a sign of success and prosperity, including this culture we live in, right here.

This is a workplace for crying out loud.

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Q: How do I get girls to like me? Shawn W.

What's going on here? What has given you people the impression that Cracked has some sort of special expertise on the subject of laying women? I will grant you that every Cracked writer and staffer is a sexual dynamo, with the exception of Dan O'Brien, who when queried, insisted he was a "Tyrannosaurus Sex." But outside of the Libertarian Dating section of our forum, we've never gone out of our way to position ourselves as a romantic venue.

Is there something else I'm missing? Is it something about 15- to 35-year-old male Internet comedy fans that makes them utterly hopeless around women? Yes I know it sounds obvious when you say it like that. Shut up.

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Q: I'm a nice guy and always seem to become "just friends" with girls instead of something more. What am I doing wrong? - Ted

Well Ted, I'd suggest it's because you're not asking these girls out, or hitting on them, or doing anything even remotely sexual. If you act like a plant, don't look too surprised when you're doomed to a life of asexual reproduction. I hope you like fucking pine cones, Ted.

Please note that I have zero interest in having my knowledge of plant biology being corrected in the comments section.

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Q: How do I get loser guys to stop liking me? - Carrie01

Finally! Although given our moral obligation to help out our loser male audience, this puts us in a bit of a ethical quandary. A classical "Kantian Fuck Forum Pickle."

I suppose you could just simply make yourself look less attractive. But that would make you less desirable to good looking men, which is a side effect I suspect you're not after. Your best bet then would be to avoid locales where losers are likely to frequent. The Internet mainly. But also be wary of book stores, Subway restaurants and Florida.

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Q: How do I get girls to like me? - GonadPilot

I suspect your main problem (you probably have seven or eight "main" problems actually, but we'll disregard that for now) is that not only do you not understand girls, you don't understand people as well. For whatever reason (inexperience, lack of bran, abandoned as infant and raised by hobos) you still haven't picked up on how people act and behave around one another, and now, thrown into the world with people who aren't genetically required to love you, you're struggling to cope.

I guess the best trick to jumpstarting your social awareness would be to consciously put yourselves in other people's shoes. Let's say you're interested in a girl. Based on what you know about girls in general and this girl in particular, can you guess what qualities she might be attracted to? Then can you imagine how she might behave if she were speaking with someone she was attracted to?

I already know you're going to say you don't know what signals to look for. It's a common misconception amongst hopeless losers that women are akin to aliens, with bizarre and unknowable customs and practices. But they're not--they're just regular human beings. Sure they're generally a little curvier, and have less tolerance for poo jokes, but otherwise they're pretty normal. And even though you profess ignorance, if you actually think about it a bit you can probably already guess how a girl would behave when she finds someone attractive. Things like "smiling" and "laughing at jokes" and "not immediately walking away from conversations at a brisk pace."

Ugh. What are we at here? 900 words? OK. Let's gut through a couple more.

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Q: Does this look infected to you? R. Brockway

brockway_soreCracked Columnist Robert Brockway, blurred for your protection

Yes.

See? Now this here is a perfect example. The Center for Disease Control & Prevention has a wing devoted just to the things that live in Brockway's beard, yet despite that he remains irresistible to women, even to the point of having a special stick he uses to beat them away with.

brockways-stick

And why is that? Is it because he has a sentient beard who feeds him pick-up lines at opportune moments? No, in fact his beard is actually pretty vapid. It's because he's a funny, charming guy, who always knows where to find drugs, and those are features which are pretty attractive to a lot of girls.

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Q: How do I get girls to like me? - Steve

OK, here's the deal. I bet a lot of people will tell you to be yourself. Well stop it. Being yourself is a great idea if you're already successful with girls. But for you it's going several steps backwards.

Instead, be someone who looks a lot like yourself, but is better in most measurable ways. Go buy a new shirt or something, or maybe spend more than $8 on a haircut. Learn how to talk about things that aren't computers or X-Men. Can you be taller? Do that immediately.

As for how you act, you don't have to be fake or phony. There's no need to build an elaborate framework of lies to win a girl's heart (although once you're in a relationship, elaborate frameworks of lies can be a lot of fun to play around with). No, just be yourself, only cooler.

dansonImagine you were watching yourself from across the room. What would you see yourself doing if you were played by Ted Danson? Ted Danson/You would say hello, and ask a girl what she thought of that rock band/chemistry midterm/mutual friend. Ted Danson/You would pay attention to her responses, gauging whether she was completely disinterested in talking with him, merely being polite, or genuinely interested. Ted Danson/You would run his fingers through his glorious mane of hair. Ted Danson/You would then ask her if maybe she'd like to get a cup of coffee or a drink some time. Did you see how easy Ted Danson/You made it seem? That is because it is easy.

There is no trick to this. No perfect thing to say, no perfect opening, no one line which will unlock a woman's heart and thighs. You say hello, and start talking about things of mutual interest. If there are no things of mutual interest, then why again are you so interested in this girl? And why would she be interested in you?

And that's it. It's honestly not that complicated. I think if you read through this article a couple times and maybe ignore the horrible pieces of slander about my coworkers, you'll find some useful advice there and maybe meet a nice girl or two.

Or you can start fucking pillows. That's the way society seems to be heading, so you'd probably be ahead of the trend. Maybe make a name for yourself. You could be the Ted Danson of fucking pillows.

pillow

Actually, has anyone seen Ted Danson lately? He might already be the Ted Danson of fucking pillows. He is so cool.

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Chris Bucholz

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