Around the Cracked offices, we have an annual tradition every New Year where all the staff gather around and publicly make promises as to how they’ll be better comedy citizens in the coming year.
“I’m going to get really good at baking, and bring treats to all the Cracked meetings” says Brockway. We clap lightly. It’s very generous of him.
“No more suicide pacts,” says Swaim, again.
“I’m going to bench 8,000 kilograms” says DOB, winking at me to indicate he was using metric units for my benefit. Or because he likes me. I cross my legs.
“Waitresses,” says Wolinsky, adding no verbs, modifiers or physical gestures to indicate what he will or won’t be doing with the waitresses. We fill in the blanks quietly to ourselves.
According to a Wikipedia entry which has probably been deleted by now, New Year’s resolutions were first invented in 1979 by Tony Danza on the set of Taxi [citation needed]. They’re also famous for how rarely they’re followed through on, with most people abandoning them within a matter of months. Gyms always report massive surges in new members joining in January of each year, as legions of well meaning and doughy individuals set out to lose all the turkey weight they’ve accumulated. And those same memberships almost always fall idle in February, the whole country slowly gaining back that weight in Chicken McNuggets.
But let’s say you really want to follow through on your resolution this year. Whether it’s due to excess levels of motivation, or a really glaring personal shortcoming that can no longer be ignored, this is finally going to be the year you finally stop shitting in the sink. Here then is some advice for you, which I’ve compiled from my observations of past years resolutions around the office.
__
Resolution: Spend more time with friend/family member/significant other.
Why: I dunno. Are you dying? You say you love them? Heh.
Sure fire way to succeed: Develop a shared hobby or passion. Or just handcuff yourself to them while they’re sleeping for some hilarious buddy-cop comedy hijinx. If that’s too out there for you, also consider the more discrete route of matching nipple piercings connected by a medium gauge chain.
__
Resolution: Lose weight
Why: To improve your self image, physical fitness and reduce wear and tear on your car’s suspension.
Sure fire way to succeed: If I was a doctor - and there’s several reasons I’m not - I’d recommend eating right and working out if you’re interested in losing weight. But speaking in my non-licensed opinion I’d also suggest you look into amputations or horse-enemas.
__
Resolution: Quit drinking
Why: It’s tearing your family apart, jeopardizing your health, and causing inadvertant internet video sensations.
Sure fire way to succeed: Remove yourself from friends and situations where you would normally drink. Befriend some Mormans, or young children. Alternately, get pregnant.
__
Resolution: Learn a new hobby
Why: So so much free time. Also no-one wants to hang out with you for long.
Sure fire way to succeed: Join a club. Finding like minded people with similar interests is a great way to keep your interest in a hobby from waning, so if you want to learn how to, say, swap wives with strange men in a dimly lit room, just ask some questions in the right internet forums.
__
Resolution: Get out of debt
Why: Build a solid financial foundation for your future, not get your kneecaps caved in.
Sure fire way to succeed: Pay Yourself First. Every paycheck make sure to set aside a small amount that goes directly towards your debt. Your bank should be able to set this up to happen automatically. Also good is the combination of Property Crime and eBay.
__
Resolution: Get organized
Why: You’re always late and can never remember where you left your wallet or kids.
Sure fire way to succeed: Keep lists, and make habits. As an example, buy a little hook at the hardware store and place it by your front door. Always hang your keys there when you get home. Larger hooks will serve for children.
__
Resolution: Eat right
Why: Standing up takes awhile. You wish more surfaces had banisters.
Sure fire way to succeed: Enlist someone else to join you in eating right, ideally someone who lives with you. By supporting one another you’ll manage to get your potato chip intake down to 3 servings per day in no time!
__
Resolution: Volunteer
Why: You have a predilection towards self-satisfied smugness, are fleshing out a college application, or actually genuinely care about the plight of others.
Sure fire way to succeed: Volunteering once is easy. Volunteering repeatedly is the tricky thing. How do you do it? Get caught committing a minor crime (public nudity is great). Community service is indistinguishable from volunteering in the eyes of all the most popular theologians.
__
Resolution: Travel
Why: Always wanted to see what television is like in other countries.
Sure fire way to succeed: The reason many people don’t travel is because of all the other commitments in their life. Work, family, a new season of 24 to watch, etc… So the answer is simple: re prioritize your life. Move travel to the top of your list of priorities. This works best if you can combine it with a hobby, like scuba diving, or sleeping with other men’s wives.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 6th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Cracked, New Years. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 7th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
This is a nice content, and this blog is very nice, too. This article’s information is what I need, I find it for several days, thanks.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:01 am
[...] em 2009, mesmo depois do efeito do champanhe acabar. Para isso separei (ou seria crackeei?) uma lista das 8 resoluções mais comumente proferidas no réveillon, e o que [...]
January 10th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
[...] suas resoluções em 2009, mesmo depois do efeito do champanhe acabar. Para isso separei (ou seria crackeei?) uma lista das 8 resoluções mais comumente proferidas no réveillon, e o que você deve fazer [...]
January 7th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Yeah I heard blow-up dolls have realistic pubes now.
Remember Fuckington, using your teeth means a costly puncture!
January 7th, 2009 at 1:49 am
My new year’s resolution is to stop eating Campbell Brown’s pussy so much. I mean seriously, I am constantly finding my chin on her taint.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
My face hurts.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
wtf, its like these writers dont even know spellcheck exists.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Bucholz, I’ve said it before, and I’m fully prepared to say it again.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
You know what kind of music waitresses love? Early ’90s grunge influenced by blues, thrash metal and shoegaze/drone. Like Joe Cotten.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
“waitresses” hahaha I laughed
January 6th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
My new year’s resolution is to start a new grunge phenomenon on the internet by promoting musicians like Joe Cotten. He’s unexpectedly good!
January 6th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Fuck snazzlefish!
January 6th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
so it’s retard day in the comments section
January 6th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
My new year’s resolution is to go and eat out Campbell Brown’s pussy.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Anonymouse, NO ONE CARES! STFU & GTFO!
January 6th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Cracked.com giving good advice? Wait . . . this is some devious Canadian trick, isn’t it?!
January 6th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
You spelled ‘Anonymous’ wrong.
YOU SPELLED A WORD WRONG SILLY LITTLE PERSON! HOW DARE YOU MAKE A FACTUAL ERROR ON THE INTERNET!
January 6th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
anonymouse, that comment was hilarious… oh and good job to you too Chris
January 6th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
what are these mormans you speak of? do they have anything to do with mormons?
January 6th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
You spelled Mormons wrong. You silly Canadians. Do you guys, like, not have Mormons up there, or something?
Actually, the correct spelling is Mor(m)ons.
Oh, and community service and volunteering are exactly the same thing. At least, according to my schools. 60 hours+ was required.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
The not is in the success parts, because realistically, you need people pistol whipping you to keep resolutions; hardwork and planning get nothing.
January 6th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
So where was the (not)?
January 6th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Snazzlefish? How dare you!
January 6th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Mmmmm Robbie I’d love to taste your treats.
January 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Michael Moore needs to lose weight that stupid fatty.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
that was directed at CCCC…. but seeing how popular this site is… no one really would care anyways… so.. If say something wacky like SNAZZLEFISH, that might catch someone’s negative attention
January 6th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Well you may not be a writer nor a doctor, but you are a jerk. And seeing what you wrote, I guess it would be pointless to point out the irony of your message. By the way, I’m a jerk too.
January 6th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I salute you my fellow Canadian brethren, keep up the good work!
January 6th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
listen up asshole, you didnt make me laugh the last 3 articles and im god damn sick of it
January 6th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
this article is sort of missing the funny
January 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
That’s actually some really good advice. DAMMIT, Bucholz! You’re not helping the ‘don’t actually look to Cracked for answers’ movement in the slightest!
January 6th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
A helpfull and usefull advice on the Internet? Gotta stop reading Cthulhu while drinking horse tranquilizers with detergent.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Waitresses. LOL.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
He’s not a writer, he’s a COMEDY writer. Comedy writing has an entirely different set of grammatical rules. Sorry for pointing that out! You must feel so silly!
January 6th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Dislocating your shoulder while drunk on New Years really gives you impetus to stop drinking, and right on cue. Fucker.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I find the best way to stop drinking is to do something stupid while drunk. For example, break a Jack Daniels bottle over your own head and become $2400 dollars in debt to the hospital. Not only will you not even be able to afford to drink, chicks dig scars and stuff so that nurse totally wants you!
January 6th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
oh shit! it’s the plague of the Grammar Nazis all over again!
this is fucking Cracked.com, not the official page for the New Oxford american dictionary
January 6th, 2009 at 11:30 am
“If I was a doctor - and there’s several reasons I’m not - ” -but you are a writer. If I WERE a writer, I’d hope I’d have learned grammar in school.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:20 am
DAMN! i wish it wasme DOB was winking at! lucky Bucholz…
good artcle, btw. i may take your advice…
January 6th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Horse enemas help you lose weight as well? My Saturday evenings are more productive than I thought.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:08 am
> Sure fire way to succeed: Alternately, get pregnant.
That didn’t stop your mom.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:59 am
well written. Not funny, though, apart from the lead.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Personally, I liked the “Or because he likes me. I cross my legs.” That was brilliant.
Thank you for a great morning starter!
January 6th, 2009 at 10:23 am
But…but I am good at baking! Did…did you not like my treats?
Is this your way of saying that? Why? What the fuck is your problem with my light and fluffy pastries you son of a whore?!
January 6th, 2009 at 10:23 am
“Waitresses,” says Wolinsky, adding no verbs, modifiers or physical gestures to indicate what he will or won’t be doing with the waitresses. We fill in the blanks quietly to ourselves.
Thank you for that brilliant paragraph.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Nicely written with well chosen phtographs.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I thought Danny De’Vito’s career was the only thing that was made on the set of Taxi in 1979.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:06 am
I kinda hope the “no suicide pacts” sticks this year-or, at least, if you all go through with the pact, it all fails. Cause I…I don’t know if I could live without cracked.com
January 6th, 2009 at 9:00 am
My New Year’s Resolution was to completely ignore any and all suggestions on how to improve my life, because they all come from people I hate.
…Except you, Bucholz. You’re awesome. Of course.
Status fo that resolution: SO far going pretty damn well.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I liked the article, it had the right spirit, even if it was a tad late.
And most of all it was funny, and helpful.
Thank you Chris.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:30 am
not very funny
1st