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Cracked.com Liveblogs the VP Debates LIVE!

  • 8:00 PMMichael Swaim - Rossy?
  • 8:01 PMMichael Swaim - Danny? I think it's just you and me Jack
  • 8:01 PMMichael Swaim - We should make out.
  • 8:01 PMMichael Swaim - *makes out with Jack*
  • 8:01 PMDan O'Brien - *Makes out with self.*
  • 8:01 PMDan O'Brien - Where the fuck is ross??
  • 8:01 PMRoss Wolinsky - Sorry I'm late.
  • 8:01 PMRoss Wolinsky - Traffic was hell.
  • 8:01 PMMichael Swaim - MAKE BLOG GO NOW!
  • 8:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - Do we have an official Cracked TV network picked out? Because I would also like to make sneering jabs at the commercials.
  • 8:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight.
  • 8:02 PMMichael Swaim - I'm on ABC.
  • 8:02 PMMichael Swaim - Because I love the Jackson 5
  • 8:02 PMDan O'Brien - I'm on CNN.
  • 8:03 PMRoss Wolinsky - I wonder what channel Gladstone is watching?
  • 8:03 PMDan O'Brien - He's been asleep for hours.
  • 8:03 PMMichael Swaim - Ooh, someone's smarter than the rest of us. The network of According to Jim is good enough for us Regulars.
  • 8:03 PMDan O'Brien - He's very old, you see.
  • 8:04 PMDan O'Brien - Are we live yet? Are we just...talking to each other?
  • 8:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - Old like a fox.
  • 8:04 PMMichael Swaim - If we are, then ew.
  • 8:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - WHY ISNT THE GIRL TALKING YET?!?!
  • 8:04 PMMichael Swaim - There's ALREADY a complaint in the comments
  • 8:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - I WANT THE GIRL ONE TO TALK
  • 8:05 PMMichael Swaim - WHOA! Who the hell is that?! But yes, please, make that happen.
  • 8:05 PMDan O'Brien - We'd like to. Who are you? Where's Jack?
  • 8:05 PMMichael Swaim - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JACK?!
  • 8:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - SHES SAYING STUFF!!! LOL!!!
  • 8:06 PMDan O'Brien - I'm calling him now.
  • 8:06 PMMichael Swaim - We're on, gentlemen. Pull up your pants and get political
  • 8:07 PMDan O'Brien - I didn't start this debate with pants, and I will not be leaving it with pants.
  • 8:07 PMMichael Swaim - The splitscreen on ABC really let's you gauge the relative levels of "leatheryness."
  • 8:07 PMMichael Swaim - I heard on NPR that anything Biden says is going to seem like he's picking on a woman.
  • 8:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - What's wrong with his eyes? They look like coin slots.
  • 8:07 PMMichael Swaim - So basically, HE CAN'T LOSE.
  • 8:08 PMMichael Swaim - He wants you to apologize to his mule.
  • 8:08 PMRoss Wolinsky - New game: Add "in bed" to the end of everything Joe Biden says.
  • 8:08 PMRoss Wolinsky - (I just made that up)
  • 8:08 PMDan O'Brien - You know, it seems like you guys have this covered, I'm just gonna go ahead and watch Hangin' with Mr Cooper on ION
  • 8:08 PMMichael Swaim - Her buzzword quota is off the charts!
  • 8:08 PMDan O'Brien - Oh, shit, Vanessa got FIRED.
  • 8:08 PMMichael Swaim - A team of mavericks with a killer track record of bipartisanship? Fuck yeah!
  • 8:09 PMMichael Swaim - I'm craving Bugles.
  • 8:09 PMMichael Swaim - Ouch! Did the moderator just call her on bullshit?
  • 8:09 PMDan O'Brien - Mr. Cooper, what are you doing complaining about crayons? You're crazy!
  • 8:09 PMMichael Swaim - I thought the moderators were supposed to be bland and inoffensive.
  • 8:09 PMRoss Wolinsky - Inside Sarah Palin's brain right now: Uhhh credit meltdown liquidity bubble
  • 8:09 PMRoss Wolinsky - STAY ON MESSAGE
  • 8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "Stop corruption on Wall Street." That's it?
  • 8:10 PMRoss Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
  • 8:10 PMMichael Swaim - He's hanging out at my place. He's now Joe Fourpack.
  • 8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "If I'm Vice President, I'm gonna stop corruption...Just seems like a no-brainer."
  • 8:10 PMMichael Swaim - And he's pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
  • 8:10 PMDan O'Brien - "And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime."
  • 8:11 PMMichael Swaim - "Rainbows? Is that...yeah? Yeah!"
  • 8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - That sounded pretty smart for a woman who didn't know that Fannie & Freddy weren't OWNED BY THE GOVERNMENT uhh... how long ago was that? Oh yeah... TWO WEEKS AGO.
  • 8:11 PMDan O'Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden's eyes.
  • 8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN'S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
  • 8:12 PMMichael Swaim - They show weakness by looking at the moderator instead of each other. When will they learn: we just want a staring competition.
  • 8:12 PMMichael Swaim - I think you're underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
  • 8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Okay, so last week Barack said "McCain is right" over and over again. Today, Joe Biden is saying "Barack was right." By transitive property, Joe Biden is doing more work for McCain in this debate than Palin.
  • 8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Okay, I've started a new drinking game.
  • 8:12 PMMichael Swaim - Darn Right X 2
  • 8:12 PMDan O'Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
  • 8:13 PMDan O'Brien - Up! Side on the people.
  • 8:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O'Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
  • 8:13 PMDan O'Brien - "Bolster" *sip* "Heat up" *sip*
  • 8:13 PMMichael Swaim - See, your demeaning sexism is the problem with this country.
  • 8:14 PMMichael Swaim - If you want tits in the White House, keep your mouth shut.
  • 8:14 PMJack O'Brien - hey I'm going to change the order so the new posts go up top, hold on to your butts
  • 8:14 PMMichael Swaim - I already was, is that okay?
  • 8:14 PMRoss Wolinsky - LOOK AT THOSE TEETH!!! THEY ARE AMAZING!!!
  • 8:14 PMDan O'Brien - Her face is shockingly smooth. She's got, like, a truly gross upper neck, but her face is carved outta marble.
  • 8:15 PMMichael Swaim - All candidates are required to suck on a tray of bleach once a week. It's just AMERICA, dammit.
  • 8:15 PMDan O'Brien - Jesus, that neck of hers. It's like braille.
  • 8:15 PMMichael Swaim - I like the christmas tree lookin' earrings.
  • 8:15 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
  • 8:15 PMMichael Swaim - YOu did. And no one laughed then.
  • 8:15 PMRoss Wolinsky - C'mon. That was gold.
  • 8:16 PMRoss Wolinsky - Gladstone would've laughed.
  • 8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Oh wait I get it. Shit. You're racist. That's funny.
  • 8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Gladstone laughs when a dab gruel from the corner of his mouth.
  • 8:16 PMMichael Swaim - I*
  • 8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Poor bastard.
  • 8:16 PMDan O'Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don't think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
  • 8:17 PMMichael Swaim - I hear so much about the middle class, but as a billionare Blogger, I somehow can't bring myself to care.
  • 8:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - The middle class makes me SICK.
  • 8:17 PMDan O'Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don't think I'd be surprised.
  • 8:17 PMDan O'Brien - Biden's just this totally quirky, strange, odd little man that no one's listening to.
  • 8:17 PMMichael Swaim - I'm typing this on a diamond.
  • 8:17 PMMichael Swaim - That's the level of wealth we're talking about here.
  • 8:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - YOU HAVE ,Timezone:-5.2 MILLION IN ASSETS. THAT IS NOT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
  • 8:18 PMMichael Swaim - Like Kucinich.
  • 8:18 PMDan O'Brien - Sarah's talking to the Government.
  • 8:18 PMMichael Swaim - That's because she actually thinks it's a sentient being.
  • 8:18 PMDan O'Brien - Look at her swinging that head. She WANTS me to have sex with her.
  • 8:18 PMMichael Swaim - She imagines a large friendly man that she can have conversations with about votes and such.
  • 8:19 PMMichael Swaim - Bush must feel so abandoned right now.
  • 8:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - Question: If someone hates the government so much, why do they want to be the President?
  • 8:19 PMDan O'Brien - Are you guys picking up on Palin's subtext? If you take every third word she says, there's a hidden message.
  • 8:19 PMDan O'Brien - "Dan's...cock...everywhere...for...me."
  • 8:19 PMDan O'Brien - She just said that.
  • 8:19 PMMichael Swaim - Biden stuttered...as far as I'm concerned, he's out of this debate.
  • 8:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - Dan: That's Biden actually.
  • 8:19 PMMichael Swaim - This country needs a President with vocal poise.
  • 8:20 PMMichael Swaim - They got 3 trillion dollars by taxing MY health care?!
  • 8:20 PMMichael Swaim - I knew that vasectomy bill was high.
  • 8:20 PMDan O'Brien - You know, with McCain, we get about an additional 396 back each year, as far as taxes go. With Obama, we get about 1,100. Let's vote for Obama.
  • 8:20 PMRoss Wolinsky - OHHHH
  • 8:21 PMRoss Wolinsky - SOMEONE CALL 911 - WE'VE GOT A BURN VICTIM!
  • 8:21 PMDan O'Brien - POW
  • 8:21 PMMichael Swaim - Did I meantion Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
  • 8:21 PMRoss Wolinsky - You did, but your Klan hood muffled it.
  • 8:21 PMDan O'Brien - That's not Michelle Obama. That's Joe Biden.
  • 8:22 PMRoss Wolinsky - I thought that was John McCain. Damn - politics are complicated.
  • 8:22 PMDan O'Brien - That was HILARIOUS.
  • 8:22 PMMichael Swaim - When is a candidate going to have the balls to stand up AGAINST affordable health care?
  • 8:22 PMDan O'Brien - Oh, I'm sorry I switched over to Hangin With mr Cooper again.
  • 8:22 PMMichael Swaim - His eyebrows are perfectly level.
  • 8:22 PMMichael Swaim - I could use him to align a shelving unit.
  • 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - Speaking of eyebrows, I want to have sex with Sarah Palin. look at those fucking eyebrows.
  • 8:23 PMRoss Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack thinks energy plans are BOOORRRRRIIIINNNNG.
  • 8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Her flag pin's got a pole and rope whipping in the wind. That's gotta count for something.
  • 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - She's from Alaska?
  • 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - This is the first I've heard of it.
  • 8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
  • 8:23 PMDan O'Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
  • 8:23 PMMichael

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