Cracked.com Liveblogs the VP Debates LIVE!

By: Michael Swaim
October 2nd, 2008
4,457 views

8:00 PM Michael Swaim - Rossy?
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - Danny? I think it’s just you and me Jack
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - We should make out.
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - *makes out with Jack*
8:01 PM Dan O’Brien - *Makes out with self.*
8:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Where the fuck is ross??
8:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Sorry I’m late.
8:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Traffic was hell.
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - MAKE BLOG GO NOW!
8:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Do we have an official Cracked TV network picked out? Because I would also like to make sneering jabs at the commercials.
8:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight.
8:02 PM Michael Swaim - I’m on ABC.
8:02 PM Michael Swaim - Because I love the Jackson 5
8:02 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m on CNN.
8:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - I wonder what channel Gladstone is watching?
8:03 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s been asleep for hours.
8:03 PM Michael Swaim - Ooh, someone’s smarter than the rest of us. The network of According to Jim is good enough for us Regulars.
8:03 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s very old, you see.
8:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Are we live yet? Are we just…talking to each other?
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - Old like a fox.
8:04 PM Michael Swaim - If we are, then ew.
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - WHY ISNT THE GIRL TALKING YET?!?!
8:04 PM Michael Swaim - There’s ALREADY a complaint in the comments
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - I WANT THE GIRL ONE TO TALK
8:05 PM Michael Swaim - WHOA! Who the hell is that?! But yes, please, make that happen.
8:05 PM Dan O’Brien - We’d like to. Who are you? Where’s Jack?
8:05 PM Michael Swaim - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JACK?!
8:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - SHES SAYING STUFF!!! LOL!!!
8:06 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m calling him now.
8:06 PM Michael Swaim - We’re on, gentlemen. Pull up your pants and get political
8:07 PM Dan O’Brien - I didn’t start this debate with pants, and I will not be leaving it with pants.
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - The splitscreen on ABC really let’s you gauge the relative levels of “leatheryness.”
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - I heard on NPR that anything Biden says is going to seem like he’s picking on a woman.
8:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - What’s wrong with his eyes? They look like coin slots.
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - So basically, HE CAN’T LOSE.
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - He wants you to apologize to his mule.
8:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - New game: Add “in bed” to the end of everything Joe Biden says.
8:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - (I just made that up)
8:08 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, it seems like you guys have this covered, I’m just gonna go ahead and watch Hangin’ with Mr Cooper on ION
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - Her buzzword quota is off the charts!
8:08 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, shit, Vanessa got FIRED.
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - A team of mavericks with a killer track record of bipartisanship? Fuck yeah!
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - I’m craving Bugles.
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - Ouch! Did the moderator just call her on bullshit?
8:09 PM Dan O’Brien - Mr. Cooper, what are you doing complaining about crayons? You’re crazy!
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - I thought the moderators were supposed to be bland and inoffensive.
8:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - Inside Sarah Palin’s brain right now: Uhhh credit meltdown liquidity bubble
8:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - STAY ON MESSAGE
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “Stop corruption on Wall Street.” That’s it?
8:10 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
8:10 PM Michael Swaim - He’s hanging out at my place. He’s now Joe Fourpack.
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “If I’m Vice President, I’m gonna stop corruption…Just seems like a no-brainer.”
8:10 PM Michael Swaim - And he’s pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime.”
8:11 PM Michael Swaim - “Rainbows? Is that…yeah? Yeah!”
8:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - That sounded pretty smart for a woman who didn’t know that Fannie & Freddy weren’t OWNED BY THE GOVERNMENT uhh… how long ago was that? Oh yeah… TWO WEEKS AGO.
8:11 PM Dan O’Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden’s eyes.
8:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN’S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - They show weakness by looking at the moderator instead of each other. When will they learn: we just want a staring competition.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - I think you’re underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Okay, so last week Barack said “McCain is right” over and over again. Today, Joe Biden is saying “Barack was right.” By transitive property, Joe Biden is doing more work for McCain in this debate than Palin.
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Okay, I’ve started a new drinking game.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - Darn Right X 2
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:13 PM Dan O’Brien - Up! Side on the people.
8:13 PM Ross Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O’Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
8:13 PM Dan O’Brien - “Bolster” *sip* “Heat up” *sip*
8:13 PM Michael Swaim - See, your demeaning sexism is the problem with this country.
8:14 PM Michael Swaim - If you want tits in the White House, keep your mouth shut.
8:14 PM Jack O’Brien - hey I’m going to change the order so the new posts go up top, hold on to your butts
8:14 PM Michael Swaim - I already was, is that okay?
8:14 PM Ross Wolinsky - LOOK AT THOSE TEETH!!! THEY ARE AMAZING!!!
8:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Her face is shockingly smooth. She’s got, like, a truly gross upper neck, but her face is carved outta marble.
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - All candidates are required to suck on a tray of bleach once a week. It’s just AMERICA, dammit.
8:15 PM Dan O’Brien - Jesus, that neck of hers. It’s like braille.
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - I like the christmas tree lookin’ earrings.
8:15 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - YOu did. And no one laughed then.
8:15 PM Ross Wolinsky - C’mon. That was gold.
8:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone would’ve laughed.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Oh wait I get it. Shit. You’re racist. That’s funny.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Gladstone laughs when a dab gruel from the corner of his mouth.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - I*
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Poor bastard.
8:16 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don’t think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - I hear so much about the middle class, but as a billionare Blogger, I somehow can’t bring myself to care.
8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - The middle class makes me SICK.
8:17 PM Dan O’Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don’t think I’d be surprised.
8:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden’s just this totally quirky, strange, odd little man that no one’s listening to.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - I’m typing this on a diamond.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - That’s the level of wealth we’re talking about here.
8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - YOU HAVE ,Timezone:-5.2 MILLION IN ASSETS. THAT IS NOT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - Like Kucinich.
8:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah’s talking to the Government.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - That’s because she actually thinks it’s a sentient being.
8:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Look at her swinging that head. She WANTS me to have sex with her.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - She imagines a large friendly man that she can have conversations with about votes and such.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - Bush must feel so abandoned right now.
8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Question: If someone hates the government so much, why do they want to be the President?
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Are you guys picking up on Palin’s subtext? If you take every third word she says, there’s a hidden message.
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - “Dan’s…cock…everywhere…for…me.”
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - She just said that.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - Biden stuttered…as far as I’m concerned, he’s out of this debate.
8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan: That’s Biden actually.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - This country needs a President with vocal poise.
8:20 PM Michael Swaim - They got 3 trillion dollars by taxing MY health care?!
8:20 PM Michael Swaim - I knew that vasectomy bill was high.
8:20 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, with McCain, we get about an additional 396 back each year, as far as taxes go. With Obama, we get about 1,100. Let’s vote for Obama.
8:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - OHHHH
8:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - SOMEONE CALL 911 - WE’VE GOT A BURN VICTIM!
8:21 PM Dan O’Brien - POW
8:21 PM Michael Swaim - Did I meantion Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - You did, but your Klan hood muffled it.
8:21 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s not Michelle Obama. That’s Joe Biden.
8:22 PM Ross Wolinsky - I thought that was John McCain. Damn - politics are complicated.
8:22 PM Dan O’Brien - That was HILARIOUS.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - When is a candidate going to have the balls to stand up AGAINST affordable health care?
8:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, I’m sorry I switched over to Hangin With mr Cooper again.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - His eyebrows are perfectly level.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - I could use him to align a shelving unit.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Speaking of eyebrows, I want to have sex with Sarah Palin. look at those fucking eyebrows.
8:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack thinks energy plans are BOOORRRRRIIIINNNNG.
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - Her flag pin’s got a pole and rope whipping in the wind. That’s gotta count for something.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s from Alaska?
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - This is the first I’ve heard of it.
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - I thought she was from SNL.
8:24 PM Ross Wolinsky - Guess what? JOE SIXPACK DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING VOTE.
8:24 PM Michael Swaim - What?! Did you even WATCH the AMerican Idol finals?!
8:24 PM Michael Swaim - He votes ten times a night.
8:24 PM Dan O’Brien - HA, if I take a shot whenever she says “Alaska” on top of the drinking I do whenever I want to have sex with her, that’s bad news.
8:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Why CAN’T you text in your vote for Prez?
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - It depends if the way she says “Alaska” makes you want to have sex with her.
8:25 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey if I suddenly stop commenting, somebody call 911. Just say “DOB.” They know where I live, and that I’m unconscious due to alcohol poisoning.
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - THat’s a double whammie right there.
8:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Let’s get down to brass tacks: How much money are these candidates going to give me?
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - He just pulled out the Bob Dole fist wave.
8:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Just tell me how much money I get for voting for you.
8:26 PM Michael Swaim - You have to counterbalance it against the cost of the text.
8:26 PM Michael Swaim - That jacket is made of quilts.
8:26 PM Dan O’Brien - At CNN, there’s this chart for uncommitted voters in Ohio. It looks like it’s constantly changing. Are there people in Ohio who are constantly answering polls about who to vote for?
8:26 PM Dan O’Brien - I passed through Ohio when I drove across country. They have an outside. Go outside, Ohioans. Stop taking polls.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - You didn’t hear? THey just put brain probes into all of the people in Ohio. Seemed like a good idea to keep an eye on them.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - I lived in Ohio once. That’s all they do there.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Constantly voting in polls.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Ever since the rubber factories closed.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - They talk about bipartisanship so much I’m waiting for them to join hands and a unicorn to take the stage.
8:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Is it a crisis or a toxic mess, Sarah. Typical flipflopping.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - PLEEEEAAAASE!
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - Is he trying to make us READ now?
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - Enough with the graphs and charts, professor. Let’s get back to the down-home country wisdom.
8:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - “Get on the stick?”
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - See, THAT’S what I’m talking about
8:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did he just say “Get on the stick”?
8:28 PM Dan O’Brien - “Quote I’m paraphrasing?” Those are two different things.
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - He did. And he winked at Sarah Palin right at that instant.
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - It was subtle.
8:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s good.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - His eyes are already so squinty, it might have been my imagination.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - If htey get caught fucking backstage after the debates, then you’ll know I was right.
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey…Hey Sarah….
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - “I’m bipartisan, but your ticket sucks tits.”
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien -
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Whaddaya think of that, Sarah.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - Is that your new avatar?
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Is…is that something that interests you?
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - I’d be more inclined to talk to you.
8:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Because I can get her Sarah. You, me and her.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Can we…take this private?
8:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Do…do you think you might be into that, Sarah Palin?
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Damn Cracked duties, always tearing me away from the tings I love.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - And I love MANY tings.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Mon.
8:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is she the governor of Alaska?
8:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Whoa, Alaska?
8:31 PM Michael Swaim - I thought she was the Mayor of Alaska. What state is Alaska in, anyway?
8:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Russia.
8:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - Let’s move all our climate changes over to Russia and let ol’ Putin worry about it.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - Heh. Pootin.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - I’m sorry, what?
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I’d rather Putin be my Vice President than Palin.
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Or Pootin.
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Or Pootie Tang.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - See you in the gulag, comrade.
8:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bold statement, Biden.
8:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - That took balls.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - This whole live blog was just a way to flush out the red menace from teh ranks of the Cracked blog.
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - He’s listing facts. Mistake number one.
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - Or…eight.
8:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden’s losing my support. I drive a stretch-hummer that uses smaller hummers for fuel.
8:33 PM Dan O’Brien - (The hummers must be fully fueled)
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - Drill we must.
8:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - There’s gotta be a way to connect “Drill” with “Get on the stick”
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - The sexual innuendo is his main talking point.
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain voted against alt. energy 20 times? Why do they keep having this vote?
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - How many times does something get voted on?
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - I hope Palin wins, just so we can use up all our “that’s what she said” jokes.
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - OH I wanna have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - I know I chant “drill baby drill” in public, I just didn’t realize it was a political statement.
8:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does SNL have a decent fake Biden yet?
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - Come November, Biden can do it.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Fred Armisen could probably do it, but he’s Obama.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - They need to bring back Phil Hartman.
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - I’m so hungry for oil guys. Fuck this beer. I’m going to go get some oil.
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - Delicious crude.
8:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - John McCain voted AGAINST reanimating Phil Hartman. 50 TIMES.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Are they any commercials in this fucking thing or what?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - What’s the matter? Running out of pre-written quips, O’Brien?
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Thanks, Grank.
8:36 PM Dan O’Brien - UGH.
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Your precious Mr. Cooper bit wearing thin?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck, i’m drunk.
8:36 PM Dan O’Brien - I had the interns throw together some funny zingers. They wrote “I want to have sex with Sarah Palin” over and over again. I’m out.
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Racism is old hat, Swaim. Let’s move on to homophobia.
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - SHut it, fagalicious.
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - BIDEN IS GAY LOL
8:37 PM Dan O’Brien - “I’m surprised you got all that out, Senator Biden. You’d think all that cock in your mouth would’ve obfuscated your speech.”
8:37 PM Michael Swaim - Gay marriage…clearly the most important issue in this or any election.
8:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did you guys hear that Sarah Palin has a gay friend?
8:37 PM Dan O’Brien - POW! I should write Sarah Palin’s speeches.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Ross, she just PRETENDS to be Biden’s friend.
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - “Diverse family?”
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - Your daughter’s a tramp.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Big shocker.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Ask her about DINOSAURS!!!!
8:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - Her daughter has cool boobs.
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - I used to know a bunch of skanky blond “diverse” girls back in Jersey, Ms Palin.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Cause if two male dinos can’t get hitched, then what the fuck is this all about?
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - There were no gay dinosaurs, Swaim.
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Did you catch the recent study?
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - Except brachiosaurus.
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Male Velociraptors carried and raised children, and females went and hunted and had affairs and ruled.
8:39 PM Michael Swaim - Dimetrodon fooled around sometimes. But he won’t talk about it.
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - VOTE DIMETRODON. HE IS DISCREET!
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - What’s going on in Iraq?
8:40 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh shit, Mr. Cooper just killed one of the insurgents.
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - I heard the Democrats just sent the troops a big crate of shit with a note that said “fucking die.”
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - Early withdrawal is always a problem when I surge.
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - ZING!
8:40 PM Dan O’Brien - “We’ve got to win”? THAT is your exit strategy?
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - “Not lose”?
8:41 PM Michael Swaim - Well, we’re closer to victory.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Holy shit, give her the army already.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s fresh ideas like this that we’ve been missing.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Congress it’s all “Lose lose lose.”
8:41 PM Michael Swaim - McCain’s got the 10,000 year plan, which I think shows some ballsy foresight.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Finally, someone has the balls to say “Let’s win.” And she also has a vagina.
8:41 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s easier to have a 10,000 year plan when you’re 72 years old.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - He should buy a tortoise. THat’d keep him going.
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - WE’RE SPENDING 10 BILLION DOLLARS A MONTH???
8:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - The man faced polio AND the Kaiser.
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - If I paid taxes, I’d be fucking outraged.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - What are you Dan, middle class?
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - OOOOOOH
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - I know some Middle Class people.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - The white flag! Jesus.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - I didn’t even notice he’d wet himself.
8:43 PM Dan O’Brien - I have my butler pay them to dance for me, sometimes.
8:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Vertical stripes hide urine.
8:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Don’t you read GQ?
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - I really want to hear a definition of victory.
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - Is everyone dead “victory?” I mean, it’d shut ‘em up.
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - Just smile Biden. Flash those pearlies.
8:43 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s ABOUT to be stoned.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, sometimes I used “stoned” has a euphemism for “boned by me.”
8:44 PM Ross Wolinsky - “CAN SOMEONE GET THIS BITCH THE FUCK OUT OF MY DEBATE PLEASE?”
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m not implying I’m gonna throw rocks at sarah palin.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Though, I do consider that part of foreplay.
8:44 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, so you WERE coming on to me?
8:44 PM Michael Swaim - I thought you were just a dick.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - A little of column a, a little of column b.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - 700 years? That’s dinosaur times, man.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - Stay in the present.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - When pteranodons are nothing but a recent memory.
8:45 PM Dan O’Brien - This is so fucking frustrating. This debate? All they’re doing is contradicting each other. “McCain voted against this.” “Wrong, BARACK voted against this.” On every fucking issue.
8:45 PM Dan O’Brien - Who do we trust? Who are we supposed to trust?
8:45 PM Ross Wolinsky - Trust me.
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s shit like this that makes me want to steal a plane and fly it into Nixon.
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - Didn’t you ever debate in High School Dan?
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - It’s basically this. But you get Gatorade in between questions.
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - I did. I rocked it all the time.
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - By keeping on the stick, right? Right?!
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - VOTE BIDEN: HE KEEPS ON THE STICK.
8:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - Get on that stick!
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, is “debate” your way of saying “porking in the faculty bathroom?”
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Stick it to ‘em!
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - No, that’s “extra credit.”
8:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - This is going to be the best counterpoint
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - EVER
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden knows where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - What do you think she’s going to change the subject to?
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - Although you get Gatorade at that too.
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - If you’re good.
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - Hockey?
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - Why hasn’t Joe Biden told anyone where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - He lives with Joe Sixpack in a Winnebago playing Springsteen all day.
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - “I dealt with this sort of thing all the time when I was the mayor of a town with 11,000 people in it.”
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - He will…IF we vote for him.
\
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - “Ackmahdinehjad?”
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - PS: Is “Nucular” a GOP talking point now?
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - Admiral Ackbarmedenidajihad.
8:48 PM Dan O’Brien - hahahah
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - Photoshop it! Someone! Quick!
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - It will save America.
8:48 PM Ross Wolinsky - I HATE naivete.
8:48 PM Dan O’Brien - See, I don’t trust Sarah Palin. She’s implying that Obama wants to meet with terrorists and just, like, hang out with them. There’s no way that’s true.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - I actually WANT a president who can just hang with terrorists.
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hey, come to the White House, terrorist. Let’s just relax and watch ‘Raymond.’”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - Didn’t you see that New Yorker cover?
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - That was a candid photo.
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Who hates Freedom?
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - They hate our freedoms.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - Just go over there and be like “Hey I know we’re all just throwing dice and talking about jihad or whatever, but hey - can you guys stop hating our freedom?”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - They
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Name me one fucking person who hates freedom.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone hates freedom.
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - THEY! THEY! Are you even LISTENING?!
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s brainwashing shit right there. “They hate our freedom.”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - Well yeah, but I didn’t want to bring it up.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - BACK YE UP DERE!
8:50 PM Michael Swaim - They hate our many democracies.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Our enemies don’t WANT you to smile or orgasm.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Man, I miss John Edwards vs Dick Cheney. THAT was an interesting VP debate.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Neither of these bastards are charismatic.
8:50 PM Michael Swaim - Biden’s smart. What better way to prove your talking ability that repeat the word “talk” a few times?
8:51 PM Michael Swaim - I miss Dan Quail.
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - Spain….
8:51 PM Ross Wolinsky - Spain? Is Spain a thing now?
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden is losing his shit.
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - GOD I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - Spain’s been a thing ever since they DISCOVERED AMERICA.
8:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - Holy shit - Sarah Palin just solved the Middle East.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - That’s the homeland yo.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - Except for, you know, Indians.
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - Dude, if she loses this election, her family is gonna fall apart because no one’s paying them to pretend they love each other, and I’m totally gonna take her to Olive Garden.
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - “Endless pasta, baby.”
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - O’Brien’s always ready to swoop in with breadsticks and win the lady’s heart.
8:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does Sarah Palin know Israel is full of jews?
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - What’s the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom?
8:53 PM Dan O’Brien - I don’t want to have sex with a pitbull in the parking lot behind a Dennys.
8:53 PM Ross Wolinsky - Biden’s about to pull a yamulka out of his pocket
8:53 PM Michael Swaim - Okay, they’re starting to use a lot of foreign words. I might zone out for a bit.
8:54 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey, what’s North Korea doing?
8:54 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m still kind of worried about north korea.
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - His head is a perfect square. The man’s all angles.
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - That’s strength of character right there.
8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - THEY BOTH LOVE ISRAEL!
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - Team America beat North Korea. That’s over.
8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - but… which one loves it MORE?
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - Look at how much Sarah wants to have sex with me.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - Logic would seem to dictate, whoever wins the election.
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - Did you see that look she gave?
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - THERE IT IS AGAIN!
8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - I actually did see that.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - She’s only doing that because I waggled my ass in front of the set.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - For totally unrelated reasons.
8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does that pen have ink in it?
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - Uh oh, he’s caught in a loop.
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - Someone tap him lightly on the back of the head.
8:56 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, Sarah. After this election shit is over, I’m gonna take you out on the town. Tie you to a tree somewhere, and plow you like a bandit.
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - A bright blue zebra had to die so that moderator could look so bombin’.
8:56 PM Dan O’Brien - Nucular? The moderator just said “Nuclear.” You just heard how it’s supposed to go.
8:56 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did she say we have too many people in too many parts of the planet?
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - Two crazy dictators’ names butchered.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - She asked permission to speak.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - That’s so adorable.
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s fanfuckingtastic.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck, she’s won me over.
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m sure they won’t do anything irrational.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Hey, you think Joe Sixpack can pronounce the names of foreign dictators? Hell no.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - He’s too busy playing “America the Beautiful” on a fife.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack is mowin’ the lawn right now.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - on a hot summer’s day, while his wife makes some chilled lemonade, somewhere in anytown, USA.
8:58 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah, I’ve seen pictures of your snowmobile stupid husband. He doesn’t look like he can massage your feet worth a damn. I can. I’m that guy. I have OILS, Sarah Palin, DESIGNED to make you orgasm through your feet.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - God, I hate them.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s listening to “Born To Run” on his iPod.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - and he’s pissed that he couldn’t find an mp3 player that was made in the USA.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - You’ll be cleaning out lady goo from between your toes for WEEKS.
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - A paperboy just hit him in the head with a paper and he’s laughing good-naturedly.
8:59 PM Ross Wolinsky - Congrats Dan: You just bummed me out.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - Doesn’t Sarah think it’s weird that everyone else is saying “Nuclear”?
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Now the people from the bank are coming to tell him his house has been foreclosed on.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - You knew the risk when you signed up, Ross.
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Now he’s slipping the shotgun barrels into his mouth, and weeping a single tear…
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Do you guys remember surge?
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - That was a good soda.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - I DO
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah. Afghanistan. Surge. Makes sense.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - They used to have a fountain.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - A SURGE FOUNTAIN.
9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - It worked.
9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - That was the best thing about Surge. It worked.
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, it did? I missed it. That’s cool.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - I used to put Surge on my ice cream.
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - All the Surge had to go to Iraq.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - That Surge disappeared. Good exit strategy.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - It’s like WW2 Iron rations all over again, except way worse, because it affects me.
9:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dick Luger is the baddest assest name ever.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden never said “endquote.”
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - It’s also a pretty decent birth control device.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Essentially, this is all supposed to be something McCain said.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - What a memory.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - He’s still quoting, continuously. It’s a genius way of avoiding blame.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - And now Sarah. What a mammory.
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - Bosniaks?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Did they not comb Biden’s hair?
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - I thought they made the Apple computer?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - They knew this was being filmed, right?
9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - His hairs are mavericks.
9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - They don’t fall in line.
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - His passion for diplomacy is ruffling his hair.
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Dick Luger?
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - It’s to hide how square his skull is.
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - There’s a guy named Dick Luger?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - I want to vote for that guy
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - Cock Tommy Gun?
9:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan - scroll up.
9:03 PM Dan O’Brien - No.
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - Penis Kalazhnikov?
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - That’s right. He changed his opinion. FUCK HIM.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Sixpack feels the same about all issues as he did when he was eight and first formed opinions.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - I can never get over “waffling” being such a terrible thing. Is it better to stay the course ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT?
9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - I hate people who assess situations and change their minds based on new data.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - And who doesn’t love waffles?
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - I love waffles.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - SEE?
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - Vote Kerry.
9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - Vote Waffles.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey, Sarah Palin, it’s pretty clear that you’re curious about what it would be to have sex with me.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - If you love waffles.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Now, I could show you the facts and figures.
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - The terrorists hate waffles.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Whoa Dan, I thought you were cutting me in on this.
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - I can set you up with eyewitness(es).
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - They want to take our waffles away from us.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Am i getting ousted here?
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah Palin, have sex with me, and Swaim, and the chick with the boobs in that picture.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Fine with me, as long as I get a plate of waffles. Plenty of syrup.
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - And then I’ll make us all waffles.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Let’s just look up pictures of people we want to have sex with. Then it’ll be like what I usually do on the Internet on a Thursday night.
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - I just google image searched that Robie bank
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - remember that?
9:06 PM Michael Swaim - I…don’t know what that is.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Me neither.
9:06 PM Michael Swaim - But I LOVE IT.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Ross is losing my vote.
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - The little robot who eats your change.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s “elitist.”
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - John McCain knows how to win a war?
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - What war did McCain win?
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - When Biden walks away at the end, listen for the sound of change clining.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Vietnam.
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Did he get captured? In a war we lost?
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, wait.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Um…
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky -
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - The Franco-Prussion war.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - That thing.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Wow! I’m voting for THAT!
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - Remember that?
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, my middle class friends used those.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - He’s got money RIGHT THERE!
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - I used actual banks.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - Treasury.
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - You can’t slip a million dollars in that little fucker.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - He runs the Treasury.
9:08 PM Michael Swaim - It looks like a Mr. Mouth game got taken over by the Borg.
9:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - You can if it’s on one bill.
9:08 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, I don’t care if everyone I talk to says it’s a beer for immigrants, I love Negra Modelo.
9:08 PM Michael Swaim - I think Bush has Bin Laden in a cell right now. Two days before the election, he’ll “find” him and we’ll all go apeshit.
9:08 PM Dan O’Brien - To be honest, if McCain/Palin win, the terrorists will stop fucking with us.
9:09 PM Michael Swaim - Also, 9/11 was a conspiracy.
9:09 PM Michael Swaim - Explain, plz.
9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - They’re attacking us in the first place because we have so much, we’re on top of the world, while they struggle. Four more years, we’ll fall to shit. Nobody wants to kick someone while they’re down.
9:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - MAVERICKS.
9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - What are they gonna do, crush our economy? What would they be ruining, exactly?
9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - OHH, she wants to have sex with me so bad.
9:10 PM Michael Swaim - But they hate our freedoms. The answer seems pretty clear: remove our freedoms. Give them nothing to hate. I think that’s really where Palin/McCain shine.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - HAH
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - He could play a good Frankenstein’s monster.
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - FYI: Main Street in Wasilla is LITERALLY TWO BLOCKS LONG: +main+street&sll=61.583695,-149.465561&sspn=0.086427,0.241699&ie=UTF8&ll=61.582388,-149.4414&spn=0.011294,0.030212&z=15
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - maps.google.com+main+street&sll=61.583695,-149.465561&sspn=0.086427,0.241699&ie=UTF8&ll=61.582388,-149.4414&spn=0.011294,0.030212&z=15
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - There’s that stick again.
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - after that it turns into Fish Hook Road.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - It’s short, but at least he’s got it.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - I think Biden would be a terrific rapper. He’s got a nice flow while he talks.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - Say it ain’t so, Joe. JEEEEEEEEEESUS.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - A real rhythm, the repetition does it for me.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - Doge Gone it! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s fucking adorable.
9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - Folksy.
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - Her answers are at least sixty percent aphorisms.
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - stitched together with a thin film of Dan wanting to fuck her.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hi dad.”
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - She gave a shout out. Like a rapper.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hi brother!”
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - She DID
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Now I’m torn.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Like Natalie Imbruglia
9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - She accidentally watched an episode of In Living Color once.
9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Who, Natalie Imbruglia?
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, in Jersey City, because of “No Child Left Behind,” they force teachers to pass students who aren’t qualified to pass. They force seniors to graduate even if they’re barely literate.
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s a fact.
9:13 PM Ross Wolinsky - Yeah - they watched it together. It was a weird night.
9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, but, I mean…Jersey City…
9:14 PM Michael Swaim - It’s kind of to be expected.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - That happens, constantly.
9:14 PM Michael Swaim - I wasn’t aware they’d had a literate Senior yet. Good for them.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s more important that the percentage of students who graduate go up, as opposed to the actual quality of those students.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, FINALLY, someone clever and brave enough to make fun of Jersey. Jersey’s had it too good for too long, and FINALLY someone makes fun of it.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Do…do you write for Last Call with Carson Daly?
9:15 PM Dan O’Brien - I mean it. That’s how smart and edgy I think you are.
9:15 PM Michael Swaim - YOu’re damn right, you dumpster-livin’, New York-envyin’, orange tan motherfucker.
9:15 PM Dan O’Brien - It is ON, you coke-sniffing, real-tan-having, traffic-loving, gay-marriage-tolerating asshole.
9:15 PM Michael Swaim - Really? Am I edgy enough for you to want to have sex with me? Because if not, you may be dangerously close to having no way to interact with me.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - HEY! Traffic isn’t really so bad.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Once you get used to it.
9:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I hate it.
9:16 PM Dan O’Brien - No, but it is. You know, in other states, you can do more than one thing in a day.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, I didn’t know she HAD executive experience.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s running for Vice President?
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - More than one thing a day is for dicks.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - WHOA
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden just called Cheney the most dangerous Vice President in history.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - No, she’s running for President, but she has to wait eight months if she wins.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden CLEARLY wasn’t expecting me to watch this show tonight.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - To be fair, he IS the only one that ever shot someone in the face.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - Besides Agnew.
9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - And uhhh… Jackson?
9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - No wait - he was a President.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s what we need - Presidential duels.
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - I’m not sure McCain can lift his arms high enough.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - How did duels ever go out of style? I bet Dick Luger is pissed.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - He can lift his arms EXACTLY high enough, actually.
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Aaron Burr, uh…Tyler? Tyler was a pretty bad VP.
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Ford?
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - He kinda blew.
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - Phallus Pistol?
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bring back Tyler!
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - Hayes! Haaaaaaaayesssss!
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Johnny Six-Shooter.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Chester A Arthur was a VP and he wasn’t even American.
9:19 PM Michael Swaim - We truly make history come alive.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Hayes wasn’t a VP you failure.
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Rutherford.
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’d vote for anyone named Rutherford.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - You’re alone in that.
9:19 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, I thought VP stood for “Various Persons”
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - WHY DO I WANT TO STAND UP AND CLAP RIGHT NOW?
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - BECAUSE YOU”RE WATCHING SPORTS INSTEAD OF THE DEBATE!
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden says his excessive passion is a flaw.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - OH YEAH. THESE SPORTS ARE AWESOME!
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - There’s probably a funny quip to be had there.
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Let’s all consider this and smile.
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - My flaw is that sometimes I love TOO much.
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - like, you know, rape.
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - My flaw has been considered to be too much by most women.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - I love too quickly. That could be a flaw.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - Unless you have somewhere you need to go.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - They’re like “Oh my GOD, that flaw is terrifying.”
9:21 PM Michael Swaim - Did he just choke up?
9:21 PM Michael Swaim - Was that a throat thing or tears? Because I always vote for tears.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - Yeah, that was a real emotional moment.
9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - He just forgot where he was, actually.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - I have nothing clever to say.
9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - Who do you think has more horrific nightmares on a nightly basis? McCain or Biden?
9:22 PM Michael Swaim - If you love America enough to cry, that’s all the qualification you need.
9:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Maverick
9:22 PM Michael Swaim - Biden had some gnarly asthma. Kept him out of the military. Probably pretty nightmarish.
9:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Don’t…DON’T bring Lieberman into this debate, Palin.
9:22 PM Ross Wolinsky - Sarah Palin’s tear ducts were surgically shut years ago.
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - BUt that was because she didn’t want to show weakness in front of Moose.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - When the Democrats were in charge we didn’t have progress?
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Didn’t we used to have a surplus?
9:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Who’s Moose? Is that one of her kids?
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - You know who else was a Maverick? Mel Gibson. And he’s fucking insane.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Like…a big one?
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - Good movie though.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - No, her kids are Bagel, Trat and Sauron.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - I loved that movie.
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - I thought it was Odin, Brussels and Camembert.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - You know it was a show, first.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, SURE it was DAN. *rolls eyes*
9:24 PM Dan O’Brien - Pooter, Stank and Obermeyer.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - Conklin, Calculon, and Wankle
9:24 PM Dan O’Brien - Calculon.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - I really think we can ride the rest of this debate out on funny names.
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, you may have heard of him.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - Calculon and Ackbar. You’re done.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m cutting you off.
9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is it too late for me to say Bunting, Cattleprod and Slaw?
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Oh references are no good now, olive Garden boy?
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - You’ve exceeded your nerd quota, and it’s time to quit.
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Only if I can mention Whipple, Shank, and Samsung.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s fair.
9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Words are funny!
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Check this out: Noodle.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Only ours. That’s why we’re better than everyone.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - NOODLE!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - HA!
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - What?!?!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Poodle.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - You can’t tell, but she’s sliding off her underwear right now. For me.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - POODLE LOL!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - It’s an elaboration of yours.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - I think you’ll like it.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - She isn’t wearing any underwear.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Well, not anymore.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Not anymore.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Eat shit, Swaim.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Underwear is bourgeois.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Crankshaft, Spaulding and Gex.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Middle class.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - She just wears lipstick.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Smeared all over, or just on the vagina lips?
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Dripspat, Dooper and Strunt.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Like, does she draw underwear on every morning?
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Just the lips.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - What is she, a peasant?
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Wowzers.
9:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bunker, Tallywacker and Tubes.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - How progressive.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Punker, Pallywacker and Pubes.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Hey Dan: I’ve got a title for your inevitable failure to acheive erection with Palin.
9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - “diverse family” again
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Chode to Nowhere.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - HAH!
9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - Swaim laughs when no one else will.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Cause a road is like a bridge…
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - forget it. You’ve got to have some years of COllege under your belt to get it.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is it even possible to GET a boner in Alaska?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - What’s going on November 4th?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Is there a party?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Only when theys ee Russia.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know - because it’s so cold?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Then they get boners…boners of political furor.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - They all go to the Russian side for boning.
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Her family is middle class?
9:29 PM Dan O’Brien - She just attacked the Media.
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - But she’s rich?
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Like I did a few weeks ago.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - That musk be a weird family dynamic.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - We’re destined.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - must*
9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Are we the media?
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Bitch, when have you EVER had to find for your freedom.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, sure we are.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - We’re not the media.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Bullshit.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Speaking of which, ass balls.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Beat you again, dipshit.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Cock Sandwich.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - I knew those night school typing classes would come in handy.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Cock sandwich.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Damn!
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, these two never met?
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s pleased to meat her.
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - How does that happen?
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Is he doing a Clinton voice?
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - See, when two people love each other very much…
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - In my fight club, one of our rules is that we don’t fight strangers. That’s rude and dangerous.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - they get on the stick…
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - They meat each otehr.
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - I thought Vice Presidential debating was at least loosely based on fight club rules.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - He GUARANTEES the BEST.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - You can’t beat that.
9:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - Otehr is Norse for “other.”
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s from Scranton.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - That part’s not aired.
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - OOOH, Office is on tonight!
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Did you hear him subtly call himself a champ?
9:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - That man has a coal-mining pick in his back pocket.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Also, he just paraphrased the premise of Batman Begins.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Which is a plus in my book.
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m gonna cook up a steak and watch the Office and have my…what is it..eleventh Negra Modelo
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Hoffstra! East Coast stand up!
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - I’m sure Palin will be right over.
9:33 PM Ross Wolinsky - My opinion: Michelle Obama won.
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Clearly.
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Palin’s husband looks like a chump.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Who’s that guy, with Sarah?
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - With MY Sarah?
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Her husband. YOUR ENEMY.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s a snowmobiler.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - Where’s Trig? I want to see Trig!
9:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - Also: How is it that this didn’t end with Sarah Palin in the fetal position in front of millions of Americans?
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - She thinks she won.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - I told you, the Fight Club part is after
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - Honestly. She will never feel as good as she does right now.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - Of course not, if she’s about to have sex with you.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - ZING!
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is telling us what this election was about.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - And I’m out.
9:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is slower than Cracked.com
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - I hope everyone enjoyed this. I sure didn’t. Jack, I’ll expect my check delivered by parcel post in the morning.
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - Bertram will let you through the gate.
9:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’d like to pat us all on the back for not making any jokes about Sarah Palin’s umm… “developmentally challenged” child.
9:35 PM Dan O’Brien - I missed several hours generally reserved for working out and boning so I could cover this stupid piece of shit.
9:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - We’re apparently slightly more mature than I thought.
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - They’re quietly threatening each other’s lives right now.
9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Now if you need me, I’m going to go make those retarded baby jokes I’ve been thinking about to my friends.
9:36 PM Michael Swaim - We spent so much time on her vagina, we just didn’t get around to it….sigh…next time.
9:36 PM Michael Swaim - ROss, I told you, we’re acquaintences.
9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s true!
9:36 PM Dan O’Brien - Yeah, if I wasn’t so sure that we’d all be fired, I’d say something like “Join us next week for the Presidential Debates!”
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - What? There’s MORE?
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck this.
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - I needs me some Office.
9:37 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Michael Swaim has logged off.
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - I just said that so you wouldn’t be so shocked when I logged off.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did he just say that? Or actually do it?
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Okay, bye.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - We’re primed now.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Leave.
9:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Alright, I’m out. Vote Dan O’Brien and the Reanimated Corpse of Ol’ Dirty Bastard (aka Dirt McGirt, aka Big Baby Jesus) in 08.
9:40 PM Jack O’Brien - Alright guys looks like that’s it, thanks everyone who tuned in. Hopefully we’ll do it again. If you have thoughts about the format leave them in the comments (going to regret that I’m sure).
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - Unless you guys want me to live-blog syndicated columnist Mark Shields’s post-debate PBS coverage?
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky -
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - I can do me, Swaim AND Dan.
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Swaim: OMG his face looks like balls!
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - DOB: I want to have sex all the time!
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Me: I’m out. Later ya’ll.
8:00 PM Michael Swaim - Rossy?
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - Danny? I think it’s just you and me Jack
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - We should make out.
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - *makes out with Jack*
8:01 PM Dan O’Brien - *Makes out with self.*
8:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Where the fuck is ross??
8:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Sorry I’m late.
8:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Traffic was hell.
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - MAKE BLOG GO NOW!
8:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Do we have an official Cracked TV network picked out? Because I would also like to make sneering jabs at the commercials.
8:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight.
8:02 PM Michael Swaim - I’m on ABC.
8:02 PM Michael Swaim - Because I love the Jackson 5
8:02 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m on CNN.
8:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - I wonder what channel Gladstone is watching?
8:03 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s been asleep for hours.
8:03 PM Michael Swaim - Ooh, someone’s smarter than the rest of us. The network of According to Jim is good enough for us Regulars.
8:03 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s very old, you see.
8:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Are we live yet? Are we just…talking to each other?
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - Old like a fox.
8:04 PM Michael Swaim - If we are, then ew.
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - WHY ISNT THE GIRL TALKING YET?!?!
8:04 PM Michael Swaim - There’s ALREADY a complaint in the comments
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - I WANT THE GIRL ONE TO TALK
8:05 PM Michael Swaim - WHOA! Who the hell is that?! But yes, please, make that happen.
8:05 PM Dan O’Brien - We’d like to. Who are you? Where’s Jack?
8:05 PM Michael Swaim - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JACK?!
8:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - SHES SAYING STUFF!!! LOL!!!
8:06 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m calling him now.
8:06 PM Michael Swaim - We’re on, gentlemen. Pull up your pants and get political
8:07 PM Dan O’Brien - I didn’t start this debate with pants, and I will not be leaving it with pants.
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - The splitscreen on ABC really let’s you gauge the relative levels of “leatheryness.”
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - I heard on NPR that anything Biden says is going to seem like he’s picking on a woman.
8:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - What’s wrong with his eyes? They look like coin slots.
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - So basically, HE CAN’T LOSE.
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - He wants you to apologize to his mule.
8:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - New game: Add “in bed” to the end of everything Joe Biden says.
8:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - (I just made that up)
8:08 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, it seems like you guys have this covered, I’m just gonna go ahead and watch Hangin’ with Mr Cooper on ION
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - Her buzzword quota is off the charts!
8:08 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, shit, Vanessa got FIRED.
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - A team of mavericks with a killer track record of bipartisanship? Fuck yeah!
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - I’m craving Bugles.
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - Ouch! Did the moderator just call her on bullshit?
8:09 PM Dan O’Brien - Mr. Cooper, what are you doing complaining about crayons? You’re crazy!
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - I thought the moderators were supposed to be bland and inoffensive.
8:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - Inside Sarah Palin’s brain right now: Uhhh credit meltdown liquidity bubble
8:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - STAY ON MESSAGE
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “Stop corruption on Wall Street.” That’s it?
8:10 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
8:10 PM Michael Swaim - He’s hanging out at my place. He’s now Joe Fourpack.
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “If I’m Vice President, I’m gonna stop corruption…Just seems like a no-brainer.”
8:10 PM Michael Swaim - And he’s pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime.”
8:11 PM Michael Swaim - “Rainbows? Is that…yeah? Yeah!”
8:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - That sounded pretty smart for a woman who didn’t know that Fannie & Freddy weren’t OWNED BY THE GOVERNMENT uhh… how long ago was that? Oh yeah… TWO WEEKS AGO.
8:11 PM Dan O’Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden’s eyes.
8:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN’S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - They show weakness by looking at the moderator instead of each other. When will they learn: we just want a staring competition.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - I think you’re underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Okay, so last week Barack said “McCain is right” over and over again. Today, Joe Biden is saying “Barack was right.” By transitive property, Joe Biden is doing more work for McCain in this debate than Palin.
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Okay, I’ve started a new drinking game.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - Darn Right X 2
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:13 PM Dan O’Brien - Up! Side on the people.
8:13 PM Ross Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O’Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
8:13 PM Dan O’Brien - “Bolster” *sip* “Heat up” *sip*
8:13 PM Michael Swaim - See, your demeaning sexism is the problem with this country.
8:14 PM Michael Swaim - If you want tits in the White House, keep your mouth shut.
8:14 PM Jack O’Brien - hey I’m going to change the order so the new posts go up top, hold on to your butts
8:14 PM Michael Swaim - I already was, is that okay?
8:14 PM Ross Wolinsky - LOOK AT THOSE TEETH!!! THEY ARE AMAZING!!!
8:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Her face is shockingly smooth. She’s got, like, a truly gross upper neck, but her face is carved outta marble.
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - All candidates are required to suck on a tray of bleach once a week. It’s just AMERICA, dammit.
8:15 PM Dan O’Brien - Jesus, that neck of hers. It’s like braille.
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - I like the christmas tree lookin’ earrings.
8:15 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - YOu did. And no one laughed then.
8:15 PM Ross Wolinsky - C’mon. That was gold.
8:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone would’ve laughed.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Oh wait I get it. Shit. You’re racist. That’s funny.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Gladstone laughs when a dab gruel from the corner of his mouth.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - I*
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Poor bastard.
8:16 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don’t think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - I hear so much about the middle class, but as a billionare Blogger, I somehow can’t bring myself to care.
8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - The middle class makes me SICK.
8:17 PM Dan O’Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don’t think I’d be surprised.
8:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden’s just this totally quirky, strange, odd little man that no one’s listening to.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - I’m typing this on a diamond.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - That’s the level of wealth we’re talking about here.
8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - YOU HAVE ,Timezone:-5.2 MILLION IN ASSETS. THAT IS NOT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - Like Kucinich.
8:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah’s talking to the Government.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - That’s because she actually thinks it’s a sentient being.
8:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Look at her swinging that head. She WANTS me to have sex with her.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - She imagines a large friendly man that she can have conversations with about votes and such.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - Bush must feel so abandoned right now.
8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Question: If someone hates the government so much, why do they want to be the President?
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Are you guys picking up on Palin’s subtext? If you take every third word she says, there’s a hidden message.
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - “Dan’s…cock…everywhere…for…me.”
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - She just said that.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - Biden stuttered…as far as I’m concerned, he’s out of this debate.
8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan: That’s Biden actually.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - This country needs a President with vocal poise.
8:20 PM Michael Swaim - They got 3 trillion dollars by taxing MY health care?!
8:20 PM Michael Swaim - I knew that vasectomy bill was high.
8:20 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, with McCain, we get about an additional 396 back each year, as far as taxes go. With Obama, we get about 1,100. Let’s vote for Obama.
8:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - OHHHH
8:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - SOMEONE CALL 911 - WE’VE GOT A BURN VICTIM!
8:21 PM Dan O’Brien - POW
8:21 PM Michael Swaim - Did I meantion Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - You did, but your Klan hood muffled it.
8:21 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s not Michelle Obama. That’s Joe Biden.
8:22 PM Ross Wolinsky - I thought that was John McCain. Damn - politics are complicated.
8:22 PM Dan O’Brien - That was HILARIOUS.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - When is a candidate going to have the balls to stand up AGAINST affordable health care?
8:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, I’m sorry I switched over to Hangin With mr Cooper again.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - His eyebrows are perfectly level.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - I could use him to align a shelving unit.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Speaking of eyebrows, I want to have sex with Sarah Palin. look at those fucking eyebrows.
8:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack thinks energy plans are BOOORRRRRIIIINNNNG.
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - Her flag pin’s got a pole and rope whipping in the wind. That’s gotta count for something.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s from Alaska?
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - This is the first I’ve heard of it.
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - I thought she was from SNL.
8:24 PM Ross Wolinsky - Guess what? JOE SIXPACK DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING VOTE.
8:24 PM Michael Swaim - What?! Did you even WATCH the AMerican Idol finals?!
8:24 PM Michael Swaim - He votes ten times a night.
8:24 PM Dan O’Brien - HA, if I take a shot whenever she says “Alaska” on top of the drinking I do whenever I want to have sex with her, that’s bad news.
8:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Why CAN’T you text in your vote for Prez?
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - It depends if the way she says “Alaska” makes you want to have sex with her.
8:25 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey if I suddenly stop commenting, somebody call 911. Just say “DOB.” They know where I live, and that I’m unconscious due to alcohol poisoning.
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - THat’s a double whammie right there.
8:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Let’s get down to brass tacks: How much money are these candidates going to give me?
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - He just pulled out the Bob Dole fist wave.
8:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Just tell me how much money I get for voting for you.
8:26 PM Michael Swaim - You have to counterbalance it against the cost of the text.
8:26 PM Michael Swaim - That jacket is made of quilts.
8:26 PM Dan O’Brien - At CNN, there’s this chart for uncommitted voters in Ohio. It looks like it’s constantly changing. Are there people in Ohio who are constantly answering polls about who to vote for?
8:26 PM Dan O’Brien - I passed through Ohio when I drove across country. They have an outside. Go outside, Ohioans. Stop taking polls.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - You didn’t hear? THey just put brain probes into all of the people in Ohio. Seemed like a good idea to keep an eye on them.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - I lived in Ohio once. That’s all they do there.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Constantly voting in polls.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Ever since the rubber factories closed.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - They talk about bipartisanship so much I’m waiting for them to join hands and a unicorn to take the stage.
8:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Is it a crisis or a toxic mess, Sarah. Typical flipflopping.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - PLEEEEAAAASE!
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - Is he trying to make us READ now?
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - Enough with the graphs and charts, professor. Let’s get back to the down-home country wisdom.
8:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - “Get on the stick?”
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - See, THAT’S what I’m talking about
8:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did he just say “Get on the stick”?
8:28 PM Dan O’Brien - “Quote I’m paraphrasing?” Those are two different things.
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - He did. And he winked at Sarah Palin right at that instant.
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - It was subtle.
8:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s good.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - His eyes are already so squinty, it might have been my imagination.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - If htey get caught fucking backstage after the debates, then you’ll know I was right.
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey…Hey Sarah….
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - “I’m bipartisan, but your ticket sucks tits.”
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien -
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Whaddaya think of that, Sarah.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - Is that your new avatar?
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Is…is that something that interests you?
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - I’d be more inclined to talk to you.
8:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Because I can get her Sarah. You, me and her.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Can we…take this private?
8:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Do…do you think you might be into that, Sarah Palin?
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Damn Cracked duties, always tearing me away from the tings I love.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - And I love MANY tings.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Mon.
8:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is she the governor of Alaska?
8:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Whoa, Alaska?
8:31 PM Michael Swaim - I thought she was the Mayor of Alaska. What state is Alaska in, anyway?
8:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Russia.
8:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - Let’s move all our climate changes over to Russia and let ol’ Putin worry about it.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - Heh. Pootin.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - I’m sorry, what?
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I’d rather Putin be my Vice President than Palin.
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Or Pootin.
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Or Pootie Tang.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - See you in the gulag, comrade.
8:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bold statement, Biden.
8:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - That took balls.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - This whole live blog was just a way to flush out the red menace from teh ranks of the Cracked blog.
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - He’s listing facts. Mistake number one.
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - Or…eight.
8:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden’s losing my support. I drive a stretch-hummer that uses smaller hummers for fuel.
8:33 PM Dan O’Brien - (The hummers must be fully fueled)
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - Drill we must.
8:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - There’s gotta be a way to connect “Drill” with “Get on the stick”
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - The sexual innuendo is his main talking point.
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain voted against alt. energy 20 times? Why do they keep having this vote?
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - How many times does something get voted on?
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - I hope Palin wins, just so we can use up all our “that’s what she said” jokes.
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - OH I wanna have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - I know I chant “drill baby drill” in public, I just didn’t realize it was a political statement.
8:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does SNL have a decent fake Biden yet?
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - Come November, Biden can do it.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Fred Armisen could probably do it, but he’s Obama.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - They need to bring back Phil Hartman.
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - I’m so hungry for oil guys. Fuck this beer. I’m going to go get some oil.
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - Delicious crude.
8:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - John McCain voted AGAINST reanimating Phil Hartman. 50 TIMES.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Are they any commercials in this fucking thing or what?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - What’s the matter? Running out of pre-written quips, O’Brien?
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Thanks, Grank.
8:36 PM Dan O’Brien - UGH.
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Your precious Mr. Cooper bit wearing thin?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck, i’m drunk.
8:36 PM Dan O’Brien - I had the interns throw together some funny zingers. They wrote “I want to have sex with Sarah Palin” over and over again. I’m out.
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Racism is old hat, Swaim. Let’s move on to homophobia.
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - SHut it, fagalicious.
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - BIDEN IS GAY LOL
8:37 PM Dan O’Brien - “I’m surprised you got all that out, Senator Biden. You’d think all that cock in your mouth would’ve obfuscated your speech.”
8:37 PM Michael Swaim - Gay marriage…clearly the most important issue in this or any election.
8:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did you guys hear that Sarah Palin has a gay friend?
8:37 PM Dan O’Brien - POW! I should write Sarah Palin’s speeches.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Ross, she just PRETENDS to be Biden’s friend.
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - “Diverse family?”
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - Your daughter’s a tramp.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Big shocker.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Ask her about DINOSAURS!!!!
8:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - Her daughter has cool boobs.
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - I used to know a bunch of skanky blond “diverse” girls back in Jersey, Ms Palin.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Cause if two male dinos can’t get hitched, then what the fuck is this all about?
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - There were no gay dinosaurs, Swaim.
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Did you catch the recent study?
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - Except brachiosaurus.
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Male Velociraptors carried and raised children, and females went and hunted and had affairs and ruled.
8:39 PM Michael Swaim - Dimetrodon fooled around sometimes. But he won’t talk about it.
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - VOTE DIMETRODON. HE IS DISCREET!
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - What’s going on in Iraq?
8:40 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh shit, Mr. Cooper just killed one of the insurgents.
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - I heard the Democrats just sent the troops a big crate of shit with a note that said “fucking die.”
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - Early withdrawal is always a problem when I surge.
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - ZING!
8:40 PM Dan O’Brien - “We’ve got to win”? THAT is your exit strategy?
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - “Not lose”?
8:41 PM Michael Swaim - Well, we’re closer to victory.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Holy shit, give her the army already.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s fresh ideas like this that we’ve been missing.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Congress it’s all “Lose lose lose.”
8:41 PM Michael Swaim - McCain’s got the 10,000 year plan, which I think shows some ballsy foresight.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Finally, someone has the balls to say “Let’s win.” And she also has a vagina.
8:41 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s easier to have a 10,000 year plan when you’re 72 years old.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - He should buy a tortoise. THat’d keep him going.
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - WE’RE SPENDING 10 BILLION DOLLARS A MONTH???
8:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - The man faced polio AND the Kaiser.
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - If I paid taxes, I’d be fucking outraged.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - What are you Dan, middle class?
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - OOOOOOH
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - I know some Middle Class people.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - The white flag! Jesus.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - I didn’t even notice he’d wet himself.
8:43 PM Dan O’Brien - I have my butler pay them to dance for me, sometimes.
8:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Vertical stripes hide urine.
8:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Don’t you read GQ?
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - I really want to hear a definition of victory.
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - Is everyone dead “victory?” I mean, it’d shut ‘em up.
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - Just smile Biden. Flash those pearlies.
8:43 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s ABOUT to be stoned.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, sometimes I used “stoned” has a euphemism for “boned by me.”
8:44 PM Ross Wolinsky - “CAN SOMEONE GET THIS BITCH THE FUCK OUT OF MY DEBATE PLEASE?”
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m not implying I’m gonna throw rocks at sarah palin.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Though, I do consider that part of foreplay.
8:44 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, so you WERE coming on to me?
8:44 PM Michael Swaim - I thought you were just a dick.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - A little of column a, a little of column b.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - 700 years? That’s dinosaur times, man.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - Stay in the present.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - When pteranodons are nothing but a recent memory.
8:45 PM Dan O’Brien - This is so fucking frustrating. This debate? All they’re doing is contradicting each other. “McCain voted against this.” “Wrong, BARACK voted against this.” On every fucking issue.
8:45 PM Dan O’Brien - Who do we trust? Who are we supposed to trust?
8:45 PM Ross Wolinsky - Trust me.
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s shit like this that makes me want to steal a plane and fly it into Nixon.
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - Didn’t you ever debate in High School Dan?
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - It’s basically this. But you get Gatorade in between questions.
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - I did. I rocked it all the time.
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - By keeping on the stick, right? Right?!
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - VOTE BIDEN: HE KEEPS ON THE STICK.
8:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - Get on that stick!
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, is “debate” your way of saying “porking in the faculty bathroom?”
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Stick it to ‘em!
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - No, that’s “extra credit.”
8:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - This is going to be the best counterpoint
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - EVER
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden knows where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - What do you think she’s going to change the subject to?
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - Although you get Gatorade at that too.
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - If you’re good.
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - Hockey?
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - Why hasn’t Joe Biden told anyone where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - He lives with Joe Sixpack in a Winnebago playing Springsteen all day.
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - “I dealt with this sort of thing all the time when I was the mayor of a town with 11,000 people in it.”
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - He will…IF we vote for him.
\
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - “Ackmahdinehjad?”
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - PS: Is “Nucular” a GOP talking point now?
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - Admiral Ackbarmedenidajihad.
8:48 PM Dan O’Brien - hahahah
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - Photoshop it! Someone! Quick!
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - It will save America.
8:48 PM Ross Wolinsky - I HATE naivete.
8:48 PM Dan O’Brien - See, I don’t trust Sarah Palin. She’s implying that Obama wants to meet with terrorists and just, like, hang out with them. There’s no way that’s true.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - I actually WANT a president who can just hang with terrorists.
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hey, come to the White House, terrorist. Let’s just relax and watch ‘Raymond.’”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - Didn’t you see that New Yorker cover?
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - That was a candid photo.
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Who hates Freedom?
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - They hate our freedoms.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - Just go over there and be like “Hey I know we’re all just throwing dice and talking about jihad or whatever, but hey - can you guys stop hating our freedom?”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - They
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Name me one fucking person who hates freedom.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone hates freedom.
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - THEY! THEY! Are you even LISTENING?!
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s brainwashing shit right there. “They hate our freedom.”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - Well yeah, but I didn’t want to bring it up.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - BACK YE UP DERE!
8:50 PM Michael Swaim - They hate our many democracies.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Our enemies don’t WANT you to smile or orgasm.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Man, I miss John Edwards vs Dick Cheney. THAT was an interesting VP debate.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Neither of these bastards are charismatic.
8:50 PM Michael Swaim - Biden’s smart. What better way to prove your talking ability that repeat the word “talk” a few times?
8:51 PM Michael Swaim - I miss Dan Quail.
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - Spain….
8:51 PM Ross Wolinsky - Spain? Is Spain a thing now?
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden is losing his shit.
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - GOD I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - Spain’s been a thing ever since they DISCOVERED AMERICA.
8:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - Holy shit - Sarah Palin just solved the Middle East.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - That’s the homeland yo.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - Except for, you know, Indians.
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - Dude, if she loses this election, her family is gonna fall apart because no one’s paying them to pretend they love each other, and I’m totally gonna take her to Olive Garden.
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - “Endless pasta, baby.”
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - O’Brien’s always ready to swoop in with breadsticks and win the lady’s heart.
8:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does Sarah Palin know Israel is full of jews?
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - What’s the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom?
8:53 PM Dan O’Brien - I don’t want to have sex with a pitbull in the parking lot behind a Dennys.
8:53 PM Ross Wolinsky - Biden’s about to pull a yamulka out of his pocket
8:53 PM Michael Swaim - Okay, they’re starting to use a lot of foreign words. I might zone out for a bit.
8:54 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey, what’s North Korea doing?
8:54 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m still kind of worried about north korea.
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - His head is a perfect square. The man’s all angles.
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - That’s strength of character right there.
8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - THEY BOTH LOVE ISRAEL!
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - Team America beat North Korea. That’s over.
8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - but… which one loves it MORE?
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - Look at how much Sarah wants to have sex with me.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - Logic would seem to dictate, whoever wins the election.
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - Did you see that look she gave?
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - THERE IT IS AGAIN!
8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - I actually did see that.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - She’s only doing that because I waggled my ass in front of the set.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - For totally unrelated reasons.
8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does that pen have ink in it?
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - Uh oh, he’s caught in a loop.
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - Someone tap him lightly on the back of the head.
8:56 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, Sarah. After this election shit is over, I’m gonna take you out on the town. Tie you to a tree somewhere, and plow you like a bandit.
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - A bright blue zebra had to die so that moderator could look so bombin’.
8:56 PM Dan O’Brien - Nucular? The moderator just said “Nuclear.” You just heard how it’s supposed to go.
8:56 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did she say we have too many people in too many parts of the planet?
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - Two crazy dictators’ names butchered.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - She asked permission to speak.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - That’s so adorable.
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s fanfuckingtastic.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck, she’s won me over.
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m sure they won’t do anything irrational.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Hey, you think Joe Sixpack can pronounce the names of foreign dictators? Hell no.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - He’s too busy playing “America the Beautiful” on a fife.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack is mowin’ the lawn right now.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - on a hot summer’s day, while his wife makes some chilled lemonade, somewhere in anytown, USA.
8:58 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah, I’ve seen pictures of your snowmobile stupid husband. He doesn’t look like he can massage your feet worth a damn. I can. I’m that guy. I have OILS, Sarah Palin, DESIGNED to make you orgasm through your feet.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - God, I hate them.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s listening to “Born To Run” on his iPod.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - and he’s pissed that he couldn’t find an mp3 player that was made in the USA.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - You’ll be cleaning out lady goo from between your toes for WEEKS.
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - A paperboy just hit him in the head with a paper and he’s laughing good-naturedly.
8:59 PM Ross Wolinsky - Congrats Dan: You just bummed me out.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - Doesn’t Sarah think it’s weird that everyone else is saying “Nuclear”?
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Now the people from the bank are coming to tell him his house has been foreclosed on.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - You knew the risk when you signed up, Ross.
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Now he’s slipping the shotgun barrels into his mouth, and weeping a single tear…
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Do you guys remember surge?
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - That was a good soda.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - I DO
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah. Afghanistan. Surge. Makes sense.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - They used to have a fountain.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - A SURGE FOUNTAIN.
9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - It worked.
9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - That was the best thing about Surge. It worked.
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, it did? I missed it. That’s cool.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - I used to put Surge on my ice cream.
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - All the Surge had to go to Iraq.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - That Surge disappeared. Good exit strategy.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - It’s like WW2 Iron rations all over again, except way worse, because it affects me.
9:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dick Luger is the baddest assest name ever.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden never said “endquote.”
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - It’s also a pretty decent birth control device.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Essentially, this is all supposed to be something McCain said.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - What a memory.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - He’s still quoting, continuously. It’s a genius way of avoiding blame.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - And now Sarah. What a mammory.
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - Bosniaks?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Did they not comb Biden’s hair?
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - I thought they made the Apple computer?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - They knew this was being filmed, right?
9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - His hairs are mavericks.
9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - They don’t fall in line.
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - His passion for diplomacy is ruffling his hair.
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Dick Luger?
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - It’s to hide how square his skull is.
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - There’s a guy named Dick Luger?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - I want to vote for that guy
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - Cock Tommy Gun?
9:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan - scroll up.
9:03 PM Dan O’Brien - No.
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - Penis Kalazhnikov?
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - That’s right. He changed his opinion. FUCK HIM.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Sixpack feels the same about all issues as he did when he was eight and first formed opinions.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - I can never get over “waffling” being such a terrible thing. Is it better to stay the course ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT?
9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - I hate people who assess situations and change their minds based on new data.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - And who doesn’t love waffles?
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - I love waffles.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - SEE?
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - Vote Kerry.
9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - Vote Waffles.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey, Sarah Palin, it’s pretty clear that you’re curious about what it would be to have sex with me.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - If you love waffles.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Now, I could show you the facts and figures.
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - The terrorists hate waffles.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Whoa Dan, I thought you were cutting me in on this.
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - I can set you up with eyewitness(es).
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - They want to take our waffles away from us.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Am i getting ousted here?
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah Palin, have sex with me, and Swaim, and the chick with the boobs in that picture.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Fine with me, as long as I get a plate of waffles. Plenty of syrup.
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - And then I’ll make us all waffles.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Let’s just look up pictures of people we want to have sex with. Then it’ll be like what I usually do on the Internet on a Thursday night.
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - I just google image searched that Robie bank
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - remember that?
9:06 PM Michael Swaim - I…don’t know what that is.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Me neither.
9:06 PM Michael Swaim - But I LOVE IT.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Ross is losing my vote.
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - The little robot who eats your change.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s “elitist.”
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - John McCain knows how to win a war?
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - What war did McCain win?
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - When Biden walks away at the end, listen for the sound of change clining.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Vietnam.
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Did he get captured? In a war we lost?
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, wait.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Um…
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky -
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - The Franco-Prussion war.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - That thing.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Wow! I’m voting for THAT!
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - Remember that?
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, my middle class friends used those.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - He’s got money RIGHT THERE!
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - I used actual banks.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - Treasury.
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - You can’t slip a million dollars in that little fucker.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - He runs the Treasury.
9:08 PM Michael Swaim - It looks like a Mr. Mouth game got taken over by the Borg.
9:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - You can if it’s on one bill.
9:08 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, I don’t care if everyone I talk to says it’s a beer for immigrants, I love Negra Modelo.
9:08 PM Michael Swaim - I think Bush has Bin Laden in a cell right now. Two days before the election, he’ll “find” him and we’ll all go apeshit.
9:08 PM Dan O’Brien - To be honest, if McCain/Palin win, the terrorists will stop fucking with us.
9:09 PM Michael Swaim - Also, 9/11 was a conspiracy.
9:09 PM Michael Swaim - Explain, plz.
9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - They’re attacking us in the first place because we have so much, we’re on top of the world, while they struggle. Four more years, we’ll fall to shit. Nobody wants to kick someone while they’re down.
9:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - MAVERICKS.
9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - What are they gonna do, crush our economy? What would they be ruining, exactly?
9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - OHH, she wants to have sex with me so bad.
9:10 PM Michael Swaim - But they hate our freedoms. The answer seems pretty clear: remove our freedoms. Give them nothing to hate. I think that’s really where Palin/McCain shine.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - HAH
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - He could play a good Frankenstein’s monster.
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - FYI: Main Street in Wasilla is LITERALLY TWO BLOCKS LONG: +main+street&sll=61.583695,-149.465561&sspn=0.086427,0.241699&ie=UTF8&ll=61.582388,-149.4414&spn=0.011294,0.030212&z=15
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - maps.google.com+main+street&sll=61.583695,-149.465561&sspn=0.086427,0.241699&ie=UTF8&ll=61.582388,-149.4414&spn=0.011294,0.030212&z=15
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - There’s that stick again.
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - after that it turns into Fish Hook Road.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - It’s short, but at least he’s got it.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - I think Biden would be a terrific rapper. He’s got a nice flow while he talks.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - Say it ain’t so, Joe. JEEEEEEEEEESUS.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - A real rhythm, the repetition does it for me.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - Doge Gone it! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s fucking adorable.
9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - Folksy.
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - Her answers are at least sixty percent aphorisms.
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - stitched together with a thin film of Dan wanting to fuck her.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hi dad.”
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - She gave a shout out. Like a rapper.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hi brother!”
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - She DID
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Now I’m torn.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Like Natalie Imbruglia
9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - She accidentally watched an episode of In Living Color once.
9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Who, Natalie Imbruglia?
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, in Jersey City, because of “No Child Left Behind,” they force teachers to pass students who aren’t qualified to pass. They force seniors to graduate even if they’re barely literate.
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s a fact.
9:13 PM Ross Wolinsky - Yeah - they watched it together. It was a weird night.
9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, but, I mean…Jersey City…
9:14 PM Michael Swaim - It’s kind of to be expected.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - That happens, constantly.
9:14 PM Michael Swaim - I wasn’t aware they’d had a literate Senior yet. Good for them.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s more important that the percentage of students who graduate go up, as opposed to the actual quality of those students.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, FINALLY, someone clever and brave enough to make fun of Jersey. Jersey’s had it too good for too long, and FINALLY someone makes fun of it.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Do…do you write for Last Call with Carson Daly?
9:15 PM Dan O’Brien - I mean it. That’s how smart and edgy I think you are.
9:15 PM Michael Swaim - YOu’re damn right, you dumpster-livin’, New York-envyin’, orange tan motherfucker.
9:15 PM Dan O’Brien - It is ON, you coke-sniffing, real-tan-having, traffic-loving, gay-marriage-tolerating asshole.
9:15 PM Michael Swaim - Really? Am I edgy enough for you to want to have sex with me? Because if not, you may be dangerously close to having no way to interact with me.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - HEY! Traffic isn’t really so bad.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Once you get used to it.
9:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I hate it.
9:16 PM Dan O’Brien - No, but it is. You know, in other states, you can do more than one thing in a day.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, I didn’t know she HAD executive experience.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s running for Vice President?
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - More than one thing a day is for dicks.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - WHOA
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden just called Cheney the most dangerous Vice President in history.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - No, she’s running for President, but she has to wait eight months if she wins.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden CLEARLY wasn’t expecting me to watch this show tonight.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - To be fair, he IS the only one that ever shot someone in the face.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - Besides Agnew.
9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - And uhhh… Jackson?
9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - No wait - he was a President.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s what we need - Presidential duels.
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - I’m not sure McCain can lift his arms high enough.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - How did duels ever go out of style? I bet Dick Luger is pissed.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - He can lift his arms EXACTLY high enough, actually.
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Aaron Burr, uh…Tyler? Tyler was a pretty bad VP.
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Ford?
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - He kinda blew.
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - Phallus Pistol?
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bring back Tyler!
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - Hayes! Haaaaaaaayesssss!
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Johnny Six-Shooter.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Chester A Arthur was a VP and he wasn’t even American.
9:19 PM Michael Swaim - We truly make history come alive.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Hayes wasn’t a VP you failure.
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Rutherford.
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’d vote for anyone named Rutherford.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - You’re alone in that.
9:19 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, I thought VP stood for “Various Persons”
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - WHY DO I WANT TO STAND UP AND CLAP RIGHT NOW?
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - BECAUSE YOU”RE WATCHING SPORTS INSTEAD OF THE DEBATE!
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden says his excessive passion is a flaw.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - OH YEAH. THESE SPORTS ARE AWESOME!
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - There’s probably a funny quip to be had there.
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Let’s all consider this and smile.
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - My flaw is that sometimes I love TOO much.
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - like, you know, rape.
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - My flaw has been considered to be too much by most women.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - I love too quickly. That could be a flaw.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - Unless you have somewhere you need to go.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - They’re like “Oh my GOD, that flaw is terrifying.”
9:21 PM Michael Swaim - Did he just choke up?
9:21 PM Michael Swaim - Was that a throat thing or tears? Because I always vote for tears.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - Yeah, that was a real emotional moment.
9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - He just forgot where he was, actually.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - I have nothing clever to say.
9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - Who do you think has more horrific nightmares on a nightly basis? McCain or Biden?
9:22 PM Michael Swaim - If you love America enough to cry, that’s all the qualification you need.
9:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Maverick
9:22 PM Michael Swaim - Biden had some gnarly asthma. Kept him out of the military. Probably pretty nightmarish.
9:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Don’t…DON’T bring Lieberman into this debate, Palin.
9:22 PM Ross Wolinsky - Sarah Palin’s tear ducts were surgically shut years ago.
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - BUt that was because she didn’t want to show weakness in front of Moose.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - When the Democrats were in charge we didn’t have progress?
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Didn’t we used to have a surplus?
9:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Who’s Moose? Is that one of her kids?
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - You know who else was a Maverick? Mel Gibson. And he’s fucking insane.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Like…a big one?
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - Good movie though.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - No, her kids are Bagel, Trat and Sauron.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - I loved that movie.
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - I thought it was Odin, Brussels and Camembert.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - You know it was a show, first.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, SURE it was DAN. *rolls eyes*
9:24 PM Dan O’Brien - Pooter, Stank and Obermeyer.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - Conklin, Calculon, and Wankle
9:24 PM Dan O’Brien - Calculon.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - I really think we can ride the rest of this debate out on funny names.
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, you may have heard of him.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - Calculon and Ackbar. You’re done.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m cutting you off.
9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is it too late for me to say Bunting, Cattleprod and Slaw?
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Oh references are no good now, olive Garden boy?
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - You’ve exceeded your nerd quota, and it’s time to quit.
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Only if I can mention Whipple, Shank, and Samsung.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s fair.
9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Words are funny!
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Check this out: Noodle.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Only ours. That’s why we’re better than everyone.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - NOODLE!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - HA!
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - What?!?!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Poodle.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - You can’t tell, but she’s sliding off her underwear right now. For me.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - POODLE LOL!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - It’s an elaboration of yours.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - I think you’ll like it.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - She isn’t wearing any underwear.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Well, not anymore.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Not anymore.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Eat shit, Swaim.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Underwear is bourgeois.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Crankshaft, Spaulding and Gex.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Middle class.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - She just wears lipstick.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Smeared all over, or just on the vagina lips?
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Dripspat, Dooper and Strunt.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Like, does she draw underwear on every morning?
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Just the lips.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - What is she, a peasant?
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Wowzers.
9:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bunker, Tallywacker and Tubes.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - How progressive.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Punker, Pallywacker and Pubes.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Hey Dan: I’ve got a title for your inevitable failure to acheive erection with Palin.
9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - “diverse family” again
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Chode to Nowhere.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - HAH!
9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - Swaim laughs when no one else will.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Cause a road is like a bridge…
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - forget it. You’ve got to have some years of COllege under your belt to get it.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is it even possible to GET a boner in Alaska?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - What’s going on November 4th?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Is there a party?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Only when theys ee Russia.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know - because it’s so cold?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Then they get boners…boners of political furor.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - They all go to the Russian side for boning.
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Her family is middle class?
9:29 PM Dan O’Brien - She just attacked the Media.
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - But she’s rich?
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Like I did a few weeks ago.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - That musk be a weird family dynamic.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - We’re destined.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - must*
9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Are we the media?
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Bitch, when have you EVER had to find for your freedom.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, sure we are.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - We’re not the media.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Bullshit.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Speaking of which, ass balls.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Beat you again, dipshit.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Cock Sandwich.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - I knew those night school typing classes would come in handy.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Cock sandwich.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Damn!
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, these two never met?
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s pleased to meat her.
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - How does that happen?
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Is he doing a Clinton voice?
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - See, when two people love each other very much…
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - In my fight club, one of our rules is that we don’t fight strangers. That’s rude and dangerous.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - they get on the stick…
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - They meat each otehr.
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - I thought Vice Presidential debating was at least loosely based on fight club rules.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - He GUARANTEES the BEST.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - You can’t beat that.
9:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - Otehr is Norse for “other.”
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s from Scranton.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - That part’s not aired.
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - OOOH, Office is on tonight!
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Did you hear him subtly call himself a champ?
9:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - That man has a coal-mining pick in his back pocket.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Also, he just paraphrased the premise of Batman Begins.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Which is a plus in my book.
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m gonna cook up a steak and watch the Office and have my…what is it..eleventh Negra Modelo
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Hoffstra! East Coast stand up!
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - I’m sure Palin will be right over.
9:33 PM Ross Wolinsky - My opinion: Michelle Obama won.
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Clearly.
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Palin’s husband looks like a chump.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Who’s that guy, with Sarah?
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - With MY Sarah?
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Her husband. YOUR ENEMY.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s a snowmobiler.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - Where’s Trig? I want to see Trig!
9:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - Also: How is it that this didn’t end with Sarah Palin in the fetal position in front of millions of Americans?
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - She thinks she won.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - I told you, the Fight Club part is after
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - Honestly. She will never feel as good as she does right now.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - Of course not, if she’s about to have sex with you.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - ZING!
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is telling us what this election was about.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - And I’m out.
9:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is slower than Cracked.com
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - I hope everyone enjoyed this. I sure didn’t. Jack, I’ll expect my check delivered by parcel post in the morning.
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - Bertram will let you through the gate.
9:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’d like to pat us all on the back for not making any jokes about Sarah Palin’s umm… “developmentally challenged” child.
9:35 PM Dan O’Brien - I missed several hours generally reserved for working out and boning so I could cover this stupid piece of shit.
9:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - We’re apparently slightly more mature than I thought.
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - They’re quietly threatening each other’s lives right now.
9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Now if you need me, I’m going to go make those retarded baby jokes I’ve been thinking about to my friends.
9:36 PM Michael Swaim - We spent so much time on her vagina, we just didn’t get around to it….sigh…next time.
9:36 PM Michael Swaim - ROss, I told you, we’re acquaintences.
9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s true!
9:36 PM Dan O’Brien - Yeah, if I wasn’t so sure that we’d all be fired, I’d say something like “Join us next week for the Presidential Debates!”
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - What? There’s MORE?
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck this.
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - I needs me some Office.
9:37 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Michael Swaim has logged off.
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - I just said that so you wouldn’t be so shocked when I logged off.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did he just say that? Or actually do it?
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Okay, bye.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - We’re primed now.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Leave.
9:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Alright, I’m out. Vote Dan O’Brien and the Reanimated Corpse of Ol’ Dirty Bastard (aka Dirt McGirt, aka Big Baby Jesus) in 08.
9:40 PM Jack O’Brien - Alright guys looks like that’s it, thanks everyone who tuned in. Hopefully we’ll do it again. If you have thoughts about the format leave them in the comments (going to regret that I’m sure).
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - Unless you guys want me to live-blog syndicated columnist Mark Shields’s post-debate PBS coverage?
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky -
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - I can do me, Swaim AND Dan.
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Swaim: OMG his face looks like balls!
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - DOB: I want to have sex all the time!
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Me: I’m out. Later ya’ll.
8:00 PM Michael Swaim - Rossy?
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - Danny? I think it’s just you and me Jack
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - We should make out.
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - *makes out with Jack*
8:01 PM Dan O’Brien - *Makes out with self.*
8:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Where the fuck is ross??
8:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Sorry I’m late.
8:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Traffic was hell.
8:01 PM Michael Swaim - MAKE BLOG GO NOW!
8:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Do we have an official Cracked TV network picked out? Because I would also like to make sneering jabs at the commercials.
8:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight.
8:02 PM Michael Swaim - I’m on ABC.
8:02 PM Michael Swaim - Because I love the Jackson 5
8:02 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m on CNN.
8:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - I wonder what channel Gladstone is watching?
8:03 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s been asleep for hours.
8:03 PM Michael Swaim - Ooh, someone’s smarter than the rest of us. The network of According to Jim is good enough for us Regulars.
8:03 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s very old, you see.
8:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Are we live yet? Are we just…talking to each other?
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - Old like a fox.
8:04 PM Michael Swaim - If we are, then ew.
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - WHY ISNT THE GIRL TALKING YET?!?!
8:04 PM Michael Swaim - There’s ALREADY a complaint in the comments
8:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - I WANT THE GIRL ONE TO TALK
8:05 PM Michael Swaim - WHOA! Who the hell is that?! But yes, please, make that happen.
8:05 PM Dan O’Brien - We’d like to. Who are you? Where’s Jack?
8:05 PM Michael Swaim - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JACK?!
8:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - SHES SAYING STUFF!!! LOL!!!
8:06 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m calling him now.
8:06 PM Michael Swaim - We’re on, gentlemen. Pull up your pants and get political
8:07 PM Dan O’Brien - I didn’t start this debate with pants, and I will not be leaving it with pants.
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - The splitscreen on ABC really let’s you gauge the relative levels of “leatheryness.”
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - I heard on NPR that anything Biden says is going to seem like he’s picking on a woman.
8:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - What’s wrong with his eyes? They look like coin slots.
8:07 PM Michael Swaim - So basically, HE CAN’T LOSE.
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - He wants you to apologize to his mule.
8:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - New game: Add “in bed” to the end of everything Joe Biden says.
8:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - (I just made that up)
8:08 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, it seems like you guys have this covered, I’m just gonna go ahead and watch Hangin’ with Mr Cooper on ION
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - Her buzzword quota is off the charts!
8:08 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, shit, Vanessa got FIRED.
8:08 PM Michael Swaim - A team of mavericks with a killer track record of bipartisanship? Fuck yeah!
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - I’m craving Bugles.
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - Ouch! Did the moderator just call her on bullshit?
8:09 PM Dan O’Brien - Mr. Cooper, what are you doing complaining about crayons? You’re crazy!
8:09 PM Michael Swaim - I thought the moderators were supposed to be bland and inoffensive.
8:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - Inside Sarah Palin’s brain right now: Uhhh credit meltdown liquidity bubble
8:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - STAY ON MESSAGE
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “Stop corruption on Wall Street.” That’s it?
8:10 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
8:10 PM Michael Swaim - He’s hanging out at my place. He’s now Joe Fourpack.
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “If I’m Vice President, I’m gonna stop corruption…Just seems like a no-brainer.”
8:10 PM Michael Swaim - And he’s pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
8:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime.”
8:11 PM Michael Swaim - “Rainbows? Is that…yeah? Yeah!”
8:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - That sounded pretty smart for a woman who didn’t know that Fannie & Freddy weren’t OWNED BY THE GOVERNMENT uhh… how long ago was that? Oh yeah… TWO WEEKS AGO.
8:11 PM Dan O’Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden’s eyes.
8:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN’S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - They show weakness by looking at the moderator instead of each other. When will they learn: we just want a staring competition.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - I think you’re underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Okay, so last week Barack said “McCain is right” over and over again. Today, Joe Biden is saying “Barack was right.” By transitive property, Joe Biden is doing more work for McCain in this debate than Palin.
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Okay, I’ve started a new drinking game.
8:12 PM Michael Swaim - Darn Right X 2
8:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:13 PM Dan O’Brien - Up! Side on the people.
8:13 PM Ross Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O’Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
8:13 PM Dan O’Brien - “Bolster” *sip* “Heat up” *sip*
8:13 PM Michael Swaim - See, your demeaning sexism is the problem with this country.
8:14 PM Michael Swaim - If you want tits in the White House, keep your mouth shut.
8:14 PM Jack O’Brien - hey I’m going to change the order so the new posts go up top, hold on to your butts
8:14 PM Michael Swaim - I already was, is that okay?
8:14 PM Ross Wolinsky - LOOK AT THOSE TEETH!!! THEY ARE AMAZING!!!
8:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Her face is shockingly smooth. She’s got, like, a truly gross upper neck, but her face is carved outta marble.
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - All candidates are required to suck on a tray of bleach once a week. It’s just AMERICA, dammit.
8:15 PM Dan O’Brien - Jesus, that neck of hers. It’s like braille.
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - I like the christmas tree lookin’ earrings.
8:15 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:15 PM Michael Swaim - YOu did. And no one laughed then.
8:15 PM Ross Wolinsky - C’mon. That was gold.
8:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone would’ve laughed.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Oh wait I get it. Shit. You’re racist. That’s funny.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Gladstone laughs when a dab gruel from the corner of his mouth.
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - I*
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Poor bastard.
8:16 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don’t think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - I hear so much about the middle class, but as a billionare Blogger, I somehow can’t bring myself to care.
8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - The middle class makes me SICK.
8:17 PM Dan O’Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don’t think I’d be surprised.
8:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden’s just this totally quirky, strange, odd little man that no one’s listening to.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - I’m typing this on a diamond.
8:17 PM Michael Swaim - That’s the level of wealth we’re talking about here.
8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - YOU HAVE ,Timezone:-5.2 MILLION IN ASSETS. THAT IS NOT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - Like Kucinich.
8:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah’s talking to the Government.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - That’s because she actually thinks it’s a sentient being.
8:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Look at her swinging that head. She WANTS me to have sex with her.
8:18 PM Michael Swaim - She imagines a large friendly man that she can have conversations with about votes and such.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - Bush must feel so abandoned right now.
8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Question: If someone hates the government so much, why do they want to be the President?
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Are you guys picking up on Palin’s subtext? If you take every third word she says, there’s a hidden message.
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - “Dan’s…cock…everywhere…for…me.”
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - She just said that.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - Biden stuttered…as far as I’m concerned, he’s out of this debate.
8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan: That’s Biden actually.
8:19 PM Michael Swaim - This country needs a President with vocal poise.
8:20 PM Michael Swaim - They got 3 trillion dollars by taxing MY health care?!
8:20 PM Michael Swaim - I knew that vasectomy bill was high.
8:20 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, with McCain, we get about an additional 396 back each year, as far as taxes go. With Obama, we get about 1,100. Let’s vote for Obama.
8:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - OHHHH
8:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - SOMEONE CALL 911 - WE’VE GOT A BURN VICTIM!
8:21 PM Dan O’Brien - POW
8:21 PM Michael Swaim - Did I meantion Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - You did, but your Klan hood muffled it.
8:21 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s not Michelle Obama. That’s Joe Biden.
8:22 PM Ross Wolinsky - I thought that was John McCain. Damn - politics are complicated.
8:22 PM Dan O’Brien - That was HILARIOUS.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - When is a candidate going to have the balls to stand up AGAINST affordable health care?
8:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, I’m sorry I switched over to Hangin With mr Cooper again.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - His eyebrows are perfectly level.
8:22 PM Michael Swaim - I could use him to align a shelving unit.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Speaking of eyebrows, I want to have sex with Sarah Palin. look at those fucking eyebrows.
8:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack thinks energy plans are BOOORRRRRIIIINNNNG.
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - Her flag pin’s got a pole and rope whipping in the wind. That’s gotta count for something.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s from Alaska?
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - This is the first I’ve heard of it.
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
8:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
8:23 PM Michael Swaim - I thought she was from SNL.
8:24 PM Ross Wolinsky - Guess what? JOE SIXPACK DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING VOTE.
8:24 PM Michael Swaim - What?! Did you even WATCH the AMerican Idol finals?!
8:24 PM Michael Swaim - He votes ten times a night.
8:24 PM Dan O’Brien - HA, if I take a shot whenever she says “Alaska” on top of the drinking I do whenever I want to have sex with her, that’s bad news.
8:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Why CAN’T you text in your vote for Prez?
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - It depends if the way she says “Alaska” makes you want to have sex with her.
8:25 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey if I suddenly stop commenting, somebody call 911. Just say “DOB.” They know where I live, and that I’m unconscious due to alcohol poisoning.
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - THat’s a double whammie right there.
8:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Let’s get down to brass tacks: How much money are these candidates going to give me?
8:25 PM Michael Swaim - He just pulled out the Bob Dole fist wave.
8:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Just tell me how much money I get for voting for you.
8:26 PM Michael Swaim - You have to counterbalance it against the cost of the text.
8:26 PM Michael Swaim - That jacket is made of quilts.
8:26 PM Dan O’Brien - At CNN, there’s this chart for uncommitted voters in Ohio. It looks like it’s constantly changing. Are there people in Ohio who are constantly answering polls about who to vote for?
8:26 PM Dan O’Brien - I passed through Ohio when I drove across country. They have an outside. Go outside, Ohioans. Stop taking polls.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - You didn’t hear? THey just put brain probes into all of the people in Ohio. Seemed like a good idea to keep an eye on them.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - I lived in Ohio once. That’s all they do there.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Constantly voting in polls.
8:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Ever since the rubber factories closed.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - They talk about bipartisanship so much I’m waiting for them to join hands and a unicorn to take the stage.
8:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Is it a crisis or a toxic mess, Sarah. Typical flipflopping.
8:27 PM Michael Swaim - PLEEEEAAAASE!
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - Is he trying to make us READ now?
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - Enough with the graphs and charts, professor. Let’s get back to the down-home country wisdom.
8:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - “Get on the stick?”
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - See, THAT’S what I’m talking about
8:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did he just say “Get on the stick”?
8:28 PM Dan O’Brien - “Quote I’m paraphrasing?” Those are two different things.
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - He did. And he winked at Sarah Palin right at that instant.
8:28 PM Michael Swaim - It was subtle.
8:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s good.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - His eyes are already so squinty, it might have been my imagination.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - If htey get caught fucking backstage after the debates, then you’ll know I was right.
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey…Hey Sarah….
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - “I’m bipartisan, but your ticket sucks tits.”
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien -
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Whaddaya think of that, Sarah.
8:29 PM Michael Swaim - Is that your new avatar?
8:29 PM Dan O’Brien - Is…is that something that interests you?
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - I’d be more inclined to talk to you.
8:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Because I can get her Sarah. You, me and her.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Can we…take this private?
8:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Do…do you think you might be into that, Sarah Palin?
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Damn Cracked duties, always tearing me away from the tings I love.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - And I love MANY tings.
8:30 PM Michael Swaim - Mon.
8:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is she the governor of Alaska?
8:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Whoa, Alaska?
8:31 PM Michael Swaim - I thought she was the Mayor of Alaska. What state is Alaska in, anyway?
8:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Russia.
8:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - Let’s move all our climate changes over to Russia and let ol’ Putin worry about it.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - Heh. Pootin.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - I’m sorry, what?
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I’d rather Putin be my Vice President than Palin.
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Or Pootin.
8:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Or Pootie Tang.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - See you in the gulag, comrade.
8:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bold statement, Biden.
8:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - That took balls.
8:32 PM Michael Swaim - This whole live blog was just a way to flush out the red menace from teh ranks of the Cracked blog.
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - He’s listing facts. Mistake number one.
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - Or…eight.
8:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden’s losing my support. I drive a stretch-hummer that uses smaller hummers for fuel.
8:33 PM Dan O’Brien - (The hummers must be fully fueled)
8:33 PM Michael Swaim - Drill we must.
8:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - There’s gotta be a way to connect “Drill” with “Get on the stick”
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - The sexual innuendo is his main talking point.
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain voted against alt. energy 20 times? Why do they keep having this vote?
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - How many times does something get voted on?
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - I hope Palin wins, just so we can use up all our “that’s what she said” jokes.
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien - OH I wanna have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:34 PM Michael Swaim - I know I chant “drill baby drill” in public, I just didn’t realize it was a political statement.
8:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does SNL have a decent fake Biden yet?
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - Come November, Biden can do it.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Fred Armisen could probably do it, but he’s Obama.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - They need to bring back Phil Hartman.
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - I’m so hungry for oil guys. Fuck this beer. I’m going to go get some oil.
8:35 PM Michael Swaim - Delicious crude.
8:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - John McCain voted AGAINST reanimating Phil Hartman. 50 TIMES.
8:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Are they any commercials in this fucking thing or what?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - What’s the matter? Running out of pre-written quips, O’Brien?
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Thanks, Grank.
8:36 PM Dan O’Brien - UGH.
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Your precious Mr. Cooper bit wearing thin?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck, i’m drunk.
8:36 PM Dan O’Brien - I had the interns throw together some funny zingers. They wrote “I want to have sex with Sarah Palin” over and over again. I’m out.
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Racism is old hat, Swaim. Let’s move on to homophobia.
8:36 PM Michael Swaim - SHut it, fagalicious.
8:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - BIDEN IS GAY LOL
8:37 PM Dan O’Brien - “I’m surprised you got all that out, Senator Biden. You’d think all that cock in your mouth would’ve obfuscated your speech.”
8:37 PM Michael Swaim - Gay marriage…clearly the most important issue in this or any election.
8:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did you guys hear that Sarah Palin has a gay friend?
8:37 PM Dan O’Brien - POW! I should write Sarah Palin’s speeches.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Ross, she just PRETENDS to be Biden’s friend.
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - “Diverse family?”
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - Your daughter’s a tramp.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Big shocker.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Ask her about DINOSAURS!!!!
8:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - Her daughter has cool boobs.
8:38 PM Dan O’Brien - I used to know a bunch of skanky blond “diverse” girls back in Jersey, Ms Palin.
8:38 PM Michael Swaim - Cause if two male dinos can’t get hitched, then what the fuck is this all about?
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - There were no gay dinosaurs, Swaim.
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Did you catch the recent study?
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - Except brachiosaurus.
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Male Velociraptors carried and raised children, and females went and hunted and had affairs and ruled.
8:39 PM Michael Swaim - Dimetrodon fooled around sometimes. But he won’t talk about it.
8:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - VOTE DIMETRODON. HE IS DISCREET!
8:39 PM Dan O’Brien - What’s going on in Iraq?
8:40 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh shit, Mr. Cooper just killed one of the insurgents.
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - I heard the Democrats just sent the troops a big crate of shit with a note that said “fucking die.”
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - Early withdrawal is always a problem when I surge.
8:40 PM Michael Swaim - ZING!
8:40 PM Dan O’Brien - “We’ve got to win”? THAT is your exit strategy?
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - “Not lose”?
8:41 PM Michael Swaim - Well, we’re closer to victory.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Holy shit, give her the army already.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s fresh ideas like this that we’ve been missing.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Congress it’s all “Lose lose lose.”
8:41 PM Michael Swaim - McCain’s got the 10,000 year plan, which I think shows some ballsy foresight.
8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Finally, someone has the balls to say “Let’s win.” And she also has a vagina.
8:41 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s easier to have a 10,000 year plan when you’re 72 years old.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - He should buy a tortoise. THat’d keep him going.
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - WE’RE SPENDING 10 BILLION DOLLARS A MONTH???
8:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - The man faced polio AND the Kaiser.
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - If I paid taxes, I’d be fucking outraged.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - What are you Dan, middle class?
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - OOOOOOH
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - I know some Middle Class people.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - The white flag! Jesus.
8:42 PM Michael Swaim - I didn’t even notice he’d wet himself.
8:43 PM Dan O’Brien - I have my butler pay them to dance for me, sometimes.
8:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Vertical stripes hide urine.
8:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Don’t you read GQ?
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - I really want to hear a definition of victory.
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - Is everyone dead “victory?” I mean, it’d shut ‘em up.
8:43 PM Michael Swaim - Just smile Biden. Flash those pearlies.
8:43 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s ABOUT to be stoned.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, sometimes I used “stoned” has a euphemism for “boned by me.”
8:44 PM Ross Wolinsky - “CAN SOMEONE GET THIS BITCH THE FUCK OUT OF MY DEBATE PLEASE?”
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m not implying I’m gonna throw rocks at sarah palin.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Though, I do consider that part of foreplay.
8:44 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, so you WERE coming on to me?
8:44 PM Michael Swaim - I thought you were just a dick.
8:44 PM Dan O’Brien - A little of column a, a little of column b.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - 700 years? That’s dinosaur times, man.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - Stay in the present.
8:45 PM Michael Swaim - When pteranodons are nothing but a recent memory.
8:45 PM Dan O’Brien - This is so fucking frustrating. This debate? All they’re doing is contradicting each other. “McCain voted against this.” “Wrong, BARACK voted against this.” On every fucking issue.
8:45 PM Dan O’Brien - Who do we trust? Who are we supposed to trust?
8:45 PM Ross Wolinsky - Trust me.
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s shit like this that makes me want to steal a plane and fly it into Nixon.
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - Didn’t you ever debate in High School Dan?
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - It’s basically this. But you get Gatorade in between questions.
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - I did. I rocked it all the time.
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - By keeping on the stick, right? Right?!
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - VOTE BIDEN: HE KEEPS ON THE STICK.
8:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - Get on that stick!
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, is “debate” your way of saying “porking in the faculty bathroom?”
8:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Stick it to ‘em!
8:46 PM Michael Swaim - No, that’s “extra credit.”
8:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - This is going to be the best counterpoint
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - EVER
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden knows where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - What do you think she’s going to change the subject to?
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - Although you get Gatorade at that too.
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - If you’re good.
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - Hockey?
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - Why hasn’t Joe Biden told anyone where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - He lives with Joe Sixpack in a Winnebago playing Springsteen all day.
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - “I dealt with this sort of thing all the time when I was the mayor of a town with 11,000 people in it.”
8:47 PM Michael Swaim - He will…IF we vote for him.
\
8:47 PM Dan O’Brien - “Ackmahdinehjad?”
8:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - PS: Is “Nucular” a GOP talking point now?
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - Admiral Ackbarmedenidajihad.
8:48 PM Dan O’Brien - hahahah
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - Photoshop it! Someone! Quick!
8:48 PM Michael Swaim - It will save America.
8:48 PM Ross Wolinsky - I HATE naivete.
8:48 PM Dan O’Brien - See, I don’t trust Sarah Palin. She’s implying that Obama wants to meet with terrorists and just, like, hang out with them. There’s no way that’s true.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - I actually WANT a president who can just hang with terrorists.
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hey, come to the White House, terrorist. Let’s just relax and watch ‘Raymond.’”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - Didn’t you see that New Yorker cover?
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - That was a candid photo.
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Who hates Freedom?
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - They hate our freedoms.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - Just go over there and be like “Hey I know we’re all just throwing dice and talking about jihad or whatever, but hey - can you guys stop hating our freedom?”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - They
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Name me one fucking person who hates freedom.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone hates freedom.
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - THEY! THEY! Are you even LISTENING?!
8:49 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s brainwashing shit right there. “They hate our freedom.”
8:49 PM Michael Swaim - Well yeah, but I didn’t want to bring it up.
8:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - BACK YE UP DERE!
8:50 PM Michael Swaim - They hate our many democracies.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Our enemies don’t WANT you to smile or orgasm.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Man, I miss John Edwards vs Dick Cheney. THAT was an interesting VP debate.
8:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Neither of these bastards are charismatic.
8:50 PM Michael Swaim - Biden’s smart. What better way to prove your talking ability that repeat the word “talk” a few times?
8:51 PM Michael Swaim - I miss Dan Quail.
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - Spain….
8:51 PM Ross Wolinsky - Spain? Is Spain a thing now?
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden is losing his shit.
8:51 PM Dan O’Brien - GOD I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - Spain’s been a thing ever since they DISCOVERED AMERICA.
8:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - Holy shit - Sarah Palin just solved the Middle East.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - That’s the homeland yo.
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - Except for, you know, Indians.
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - Dude, if she loses this election, her family is gonna fall apart because no one’s paying them to pretend they love each other, and I’m totally gonna take her to Olive Garden.
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - “Endless pasta, baby.”
8:52 PM Michael Swaim - O’Brien’s always ready to swoop in with breadsticks and win the lady’s heart.
8:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does Sarah Palin know Israel is full of jews?
8:52 PM Dan O’Brien - What’s the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom?
8:53 PM Dan O’Brien - I don’t want to have sex with a pitbull in the parking lot behind a Dennys.
8:53 PM Ross Wolinsky - Biden’s about to pull a yamulka out of his pocket
8:53 PM Michael Swaim - Okay, they’re starting to use a lot of foreign words. I might zone out for a bit.
8:54 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey, what’s North Korea doing?
8:54 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m still kind of worried about north korea.
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - His head is a perfect square. The man’s all angles.
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - That’s strength of character right there.
8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - THEY BOTH LOVE ISRAEL!
8:54 PM Michael Swaim - Team America beat North Korea. That’s over.
8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - but… which one loves it MORE?
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - Look at how much Sarah wants to have sex with me.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - Logic would seem to dictate, whoever wins the election.
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - Did you see that look she gave?
8:55 PM Dan O’Brien - THERE IT IS AGAIN!
8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - I actually did see that.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - She’s only doing that because I waggled my ass in front of the set.
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - For totally unrelated reasons.
8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does that pen have ink in it?
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - Uh oh, he’s caught in a loop.
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - Someone tap him lightly on the back of the head.
8:56 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, Sarah. After this election shit is over, I’m gonna take you out on the town. Tie you to a tree somewhere, and plow you like a bandit.
8:56 PM Michael Swaim - A bright blue zebra had to die so that moderator could look so bombin’.
8:56 PM Dan O’Brien - Nucular? The moderator just said “Nuclear.” You just heard how it’s supposed to go.
8:56 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did she say we have too many people in too many parts of the planet?
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - Two crazy dictators’ names butchered.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - She asked permission to speak.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - That’s so adorable.
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s fanfuckingtastic.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck, she’s won me over.
8:57 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m sure they won’t do anything irrational.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Hey, you think Joe Sixpack can pronounce the names of foreign dictators? Hell no.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - He’s too busy playing “America the Beautiful” on a fife.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack is mowin’ the lawn right now.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - on a hot summer’s day, while his wife makes some chilled lemonade, somewhere in anytown, USA.
8:58 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah, I’ve seen pictures of your snowmobile stupid husband. He doesn’t look like he can massage your feet worth a damn. I can. I’m that guy. I have OILS, Sarah Palin, DESIGNED to make you orgasm through your feet.
8:58 PM Michael Swaim - God, I hate them.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s listening to “Born To Run” on his iPod.
8:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - and he’s pissed that he couldn’t find an mp3 player that was made in the USA.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - You’ll be cleaning out lady goo from between your toes for WEEKS.
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - A paperboy just hit him in the head with a paper and he’s laughing good-naturedly.
8:59 PM Ross Wolinsky - Congrats Dan: You just bummed me out.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - Doesn’t Sarah think it’s weird that everyone else is saying “Nuclear”?
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Now the people from the bank are coming to tell him his house has been foreclosed on.
8:59 PM Dan O’Brien - You knew the risk when you signed up, Ross.
8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Now he’s slipping the shotgun barrels into his mouth, and weeping a single tear…
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Do you guys remember surge?
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - That was a good soda.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - I DO
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah. Afghanistan. Surge. Makes sense.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - They used to have a fountain.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - A SURGE FOUNTAIN.
9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - It worked.
9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - That was the best thing about Surge. It worked.
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, it did? I missed it. That’s cool.
9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - I used to put Surge on my ice cream.
9:00 PM Michael Swaim - All the Surge had to go to Iraq.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - That Surge disappeared. Good exit strategy.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - It’s like WW2 Iron rations all over again, except way worse, because it affects me.
9:01 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dick Luger is the baddest assest name ever.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden never said “endquote.”
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - It’s also a pretty decent birth control device.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - Essentially, this is all supposed to be something McCain said.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - What a memory.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - He’s still quoting, continuously. It’s a genius way of avoiding blame.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - And now Sarah. What a mammory.
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - Bosniaks?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Did they not comb Biden’s hair?
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - I thought they made the Apple computer?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - They knew this was being filmed, right?
9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - His hairs are mavericks.
9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - They don’t fall in line.
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - His passion for diplomacy is ruffling his hair.
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Dick Luger?
9:02 PM Michael Swaim - It’s to hide how square his skull is.
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - There’s a guy named Dick Luger?
9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - I want to vote for that guy
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - Cock Tommy Gun?
9:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan - scroll up.
9:03 PM Dan O’Brien - No.
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - Penis Kalazhnikov?
9:03 PM Michael Swaim - That’s right. He changed his opinion. FUCK HIM.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Sixpack feels the same about all issues as he did when he was eight and first formed opinions.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - I can never get over “waffling” being such a terrible thing. Is it better to stay the course ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT?
9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - I hate people who assess situations and change their minds based on new data.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - And who doesn’t love waffles?
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - I love waffles.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - SEE?
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - Vote Kerry.
9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - Vote Waffles.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey, Sarah Palin, it’s pretty clear that you’re curious about what it would be to have sex with me.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - If you love waffles.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Now, I could show you the facts and figures.
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - The terrorists hate waffles.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Whoa Dan, I thought you were cutting me in on this.
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - I can set you up with eyewitness(es).
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - They want to take our waffles away from us.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Am i getting ousted here?
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - Sarah Palin, have sex with me, and Swaim, and the chick with the boobs in that picture.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Fine with me, as long as I get a plate of waffles. Plenty of syrup.
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - And then I’ll make us all waffles.
9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Let’s just look up pictures of people we want to have sex with. Then it’ll be like what I usually do on the Internet on a Thursday night.
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - I just google image searched that Robie bank
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - remember that?
9:06 PM Michael Swaim - I…don’t know what that is.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Me neither.
9:06 PM Michael Swaim - But I LOVE IT.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Ross is losing my vote.
9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - The little robot who eats your change.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s “elitist.”
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - John McCain knows how to win a war?
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - What war did McCain win?
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - When Biden walks away at the end, listen for the sound of change clining.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Vietnam.
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Did he get captured? In a war we lost?
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, wait.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Um…
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky -
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - The Franco-Prussion war.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - That thing.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Wow! I’m voting for THAT!
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - Remember that?
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, my middle class friends used those.
9:07 PM Michael Swaim - He’s got money RIGHT THERE!
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - I used actual banks.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - Treasury.
9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - You can’t slip a million dollars in that little fucker.
9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - He runs the Treasury.
9:08 PM Michael Swaim - It looks like a Mr. Mouth game got taken over by the Borg.
9:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - You can if it’s on one bill.
9:08 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, I don’t care if everyone I talk to says it’s a beer for immigrants, I love Negra Modelo.
9:08 PM Michael Swaim - I think Bush has Bin Laden in a cell right now. Two days before the election, he’ll “find” him and we’ll all go apeshit.
9:08 PM Dan O’Brien - To be honest, if McCain/Palin win, the terrorists will stop fucking with us.
9:09 PM Michael Swaim - Also, 9/11 was a conspiracy.
9:09 PM Michael Swaim - Explain, plz.
9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - They’re attacking us in the first place because we have so much, we’re on top of the world, while they struggle. Four more years, we’ll fall to shit. Nobody wants to kick someone while they’re down.
9:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - MAVERICKS.
9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - What are they gonna do, crush our economy? What would they be ruining, exactly?
9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - OHH, she wants to have sex with me so bad.
9:10 PM Michael Swaim - But they hate our freedoms. The answer seems pretty clear: remove our freedoms. Give them nothing to hate. I think that’s really where Palin/McCain shine.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - HAH
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - He could play a good Frankenstein’s monster.
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - FYI: Main Street in Wasilla is LITERALLY TWO BLOCKS LONG: +main+street&sll=61.583695,-149.465561&sspn=0.086427,0.241699&ie=UTF8&ll=61.582388,-149.4414&spn=0.011294,0.030212&z=15
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - maps.google.com+main+street&sll=61.583695,-149.465561&sspn=0.086427,0.241699&ie=UTF8&ll=61.582388,-149.4414&spn=0.011294,0.030212&z=15
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - There’s that stick again.
9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - after that it turns into Fish Hook Road.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - It’s short, but at least he’s got it.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - I think Biden would be a terrific rapper. He’s got a nice flow while he talks.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - Say it ain’t so, Joe. JEEEEEEEEEESUS.
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - A real rhythm, the repetition does it for me.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - Doge Gone it! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s fucking adorable.
9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - Folksy.
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - Her answers are at least sixty percent aphorisms.
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - stitched together with a thin film of Dan wanting to fuck her.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hi dad.”
9:12 PM Michael Swaim - She gave a shout out. Like a rapper.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - “Hi brother!”
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - She DID
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Now I’m torn.
9:12 PM Dan O’Brien - Like Natalie Imbruglia
9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - She accidentally watched an episode of In Living Color once.
9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Who, Natalie Imbruglia?
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, in Jersey City, because of “No Child Left Behind,” they force teachers to pass students who aren’t qualified to pass. They force seniors to graduate even if they’re barely literate.
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s a fact.
9:13 PM Ross Wolinsky - Yeah - they watched it together. It was a weird night.
9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, but, I mean…Jersey City…
9:14 PM Michael Swaim - It’s kind of to be expected.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - That happens, constantly.
9:14 PM Michael Swaim - I wasn’t aware they’d had a literate Senior yet. Good for them.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s more important that the percentage of students who graduate go up, as opposed to the actual quality of those students.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, FINALLY, someone clever and brave enough to make fun of Jersey. Jersey’s had it too good for too long, and FINALLY someone makes fun of it.
9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Do…do you write for Last Call with Carson Daly?
9:15 PM Dan O’Brien - I mean it. That’s how smart and edgy I think you are.
9:15 PM Michael Swaim - YOu’re damn right, you dumpster-livin’, New York-envyin’, orange tan motherfucker.
9:15 PM Dan O’Brien - It is ON, you coke-sniffing, real-tan-having, traffic-loving, gay-marriage-tolerating asshole.
9:15 PM Michael Swaim - Really? Am I edgy enough for you to want to have sex with me? Because if not, you may be dangerously close to having no way to interact with me.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - HEY! Traffic isn’t really so bad.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Once you get used to it.
9:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I hate it.
9:16 PM Dan O’Brien - No, but it is. You know, in other states, you can do more than one thing in a day.
9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, I didn’t know she HAD executive experience.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s running for Vice President?
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - More than one thing a day is for dicks.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - WHOA
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden just called Cheney the most dangerous Vice President in history.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - No, she’s running for President, but she has to wait eight months if she wins.
9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden CLEARLY wasn’t expecting me to watch this show tonight.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - To be fair, he IS the only one that ever shot someone in the face.
9:17 PM Michael Swaim - Besides Agnew.
9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - And uhhh… Jackson?
9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - No wait - he was a President.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s what we need - Presidential duels.
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - I’m not sure McCain can lift his arms high enough.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - How did duels ever go out of style? I bet Dick Luger is pissed.
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - He can lift his arms EXACTLY high enough, actually.
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Aaron Burr, uh…Tyler? Tyler was a pretty bad VP.
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Ford?
9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - He kinda blew.
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - Phallus Pistol?
9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bring back Tyler!
9:18 PM Michael Swaim - Hayes! Haaaaaaaayesssss!
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Johnny Six-Shooter.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Chester A Arthur was a VP and he wasn’t even American.
9:19 PM Michael Swaim - We truly make history come alive.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Hayes wasn’t a VP you failure.
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Rutherford.
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’d vote for anyone named Rutherford.
9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - You’re alone in that.
9:19 PM Michael Swaim - Oh, I thought VP stood for “Various Persons”
9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - WHY DO I WANT TO STAND UP AND CLAP RIGHT NOW?
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - BECAUSE YOU”RE WATCHING SPORTS INSTEAD OF THE DEBATE!
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Biden says his excessive passion is a flaw.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - OH YEAH. THESE SPORTS ARE AWESOME!
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - There’s probably a funny quip to be had there.
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Let’s all consider this and smile.
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - My flaw is that sometimes I love TOO much.
9:20 PM Michael Swaim - like, you know, rape.
9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - My flaw has been considered to be too much by most women.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - I love too quickly. That could be a flaw.
9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - Unless you have somewhere you need to go.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - They’re like “Oh my GOD, that flaw is terrifying.”
9:21 PM Michael Swaim - Did he just choke up?
9:21 PM Michael Swaim - Was that a throat thing or tears? Because I always vote for tears.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - Yeah, that was a real emotional moment.
9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - He just forgot where he was, actually.
9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - I have nothing clever to say.
9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - Who do you think has more horrific nightmares on a nightly basis? McCain or Biden?
9:22 PM Michael Swaim - If you love America enough to cry, that’s all the qualification you need.
9:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Maverick
9:22 PM Michael Swaim - Biden had some gnarly asthma. Kept him out of the military. Probably pretty nightmarish.
9:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Don’t…DON’T bring Lieberman into this debate, Palin.
9:22 PM Ross Wolinsky - Sarah Palin’s tear ducts were surgically shut years ago.
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - BUt that was because she didn’t want to show weakness in front of Moose.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - When the Democrats were in charge we didn’t have progress?
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Didn’t we used to have a surplus?
9:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Who’s Moose? Is that one of her kids?
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - You know who else was a Maverick? Mel Gibson. And he’s fucking insane.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Like…a big one?
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - Good movie though.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - No, her kids are Bagel, Trat and Sauron.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - I loved that movie.
9:23 PM Michael Swaim - I thought it was Odin, Brussels and Camembert.
9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - You know it was a show, first.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, SURE it was DAN. *rolls eyes*
9:24 PM Dan O’Brien - Pooter, Stank and Obermeyer.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - Conklin, Calculon, and Wankle
9:24 PM Dan O’Brien - Calculon.
9:24 PM Michael Swaim - I really think we can ride the rest of this debate out on funny names.
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, you may have heard of him.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - Calculon and Ackbar. You’re done.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m cutting you off.
9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is it too late for me to say Bunting, Cattleprod and Slaw?
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Oh references are no good now, olive Garden boy?
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - You’ve exceeded your nerd quota, and it’s time to quit.
9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Only if I can mention Whipple, Shank, and Samsung.
9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s fair.
9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - Words are funny!
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Check this out: Noodle.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Only ours. That’s why we’re better than everyone.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - NOODLE!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - HA!
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - What?!?!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Poodle.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - You can’t tell, but she’s sliding off her underwear right now. For me.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - POODLE LOL!
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - It’s an elaboration of yours.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - I think you’ll like it.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - She isn’t wearing any underwear.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Well, not anymore.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Not anymore.
9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Eat shit, Swaim.
9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Underwear is bourgeois.
9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Crankshaft, Spaulding and Gex.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Middle class.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - She just wears lipstick.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Smeared all over, or just on the vagina lips?
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Dripspat, Dooper and Strunt.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Like, does she draw underwear on every morning?
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Just the lips.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - What is she, a peasant?
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - Wowzers.
9:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - Bunker, Tallywacker and Tubes.
9:27 PM Michael Swaim - How progressive.
9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - Punker, Pallywacker and Pubes.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Hey Dan: I’ve got a title for your inevitable failure to acheive erection with Palin.
9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - “diverse family” again
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Chode to Nowhere.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - HAH!
9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - Swaim laughs when no one else will.
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Cause a road is like a bridge…
9:28 PM Michael Swaim - forget it. You’ve got to have some years of COllege under your belt to get it.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is it even possible to GET a boner in Alaska?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - What’s going on November 4th?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Is there a party?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Only when theys ee Russia.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know - because it’s so cold?
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Then they get boners…boners of political furor.
9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - They all go to the Russian side for boning.
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Her family is middle class?
9:29 PM Dan O’Brien - She just attacked the Media.
9:29 PM Michael Swaim - But she’s rich?
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Like I did a few weeks ago.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - That musk be a weird family dynamic.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - We’re destined.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - must*
9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Are we the media?
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Bitch, when have you EVER had to find for your freedom.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, sure we are.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - We’re not the media.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Bullshit.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Speaking of which, ass balls.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Beat you again, dipshit.
9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Cock Sandwich.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - I knew those night school typing classes would come in handy.
9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Cock sandwich.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Damn!
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, these two never met?
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s pleased to meat her.
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - How does that happen?
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Is he doing a Clinton voice?
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - See, when two people love each other very much…
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - In my fight club, one of our rules is that we don’t fight strangers. That’s rude and dangerous.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - they get on the stick…
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - They meat each otehr.
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - I thought Vice Presidential debating was at least loosely based on fight club rules.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - He GUARANTEES the BEST.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - You can’t beat that.
9:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - Otehr is Norse for “other.”
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s from Scranton.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - That part’s not aired.
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - OOOH, Office is on tonight!
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Did you hear him subtly call himself a champ?
9:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - That man has a coal-mining pick in his back pocket.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Also, he just paraphrased the premise of Batman Begins.
9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Which is a plus in my book.
9:32 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m gonna cook up a steak and watch the Office and have my…what is it..eleventh Negra Modelo
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Hoffstra! East Coast stand up!
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - I’m sure Palin will be right over.
9:33 PM Ross Wolinsky - My opinion: Michelle Obama won.
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Clearly.
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Palin’s husband looks like a chump.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Who’s that guy, with Sarah?
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - With MY Sarah?
9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Her husband. YOUR ENEMY.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s a snowmobiler.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - Where’s Trig? I want to see Trig!
9:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - Also: How is it that this didn’t end with Sarah Palin in the fetal position in front of millions of Americans?
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - She thinks she won.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - I told you, the Fight Club part is after
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - Honestly. She will never feel as good as she does right now.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - Of course not, if she’s about to have sex with you.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - ZING!
9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is telling us what this election was about.
9:34 PM Michael Swaim - And I’m out.
9:35 PM Dan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is slower than Cracked.com
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - I hope everyone enjoyed this. I sure didn’t. Jack, I’ll expect my check delivered by parcel post in the morning.
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - Bertram will let you through the gate.
9:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’d like to pat us all on the back for not making any jokes about Sarah Palin’s umm… “developmentally challenged” child.
9:35 PM Dan O’Brien - I missed several hours generally reserved for working out and boning so I could cover this stupid piece of shit.
9:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - We’re apparently slightly more mature than I thought.
9:35 PM Michael Swaim - They’re quietly threatening each other’s lives right now.
9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Now if you need me, I’m going to go make those retarded baby jokes I’ve been thinking about to my friends.
9:36 PM Michael Swaim - We spent so much time on her vagina, we just didn’t get around to it….sigh…next time.
9:36 PM Michael Swaim - ROss, I told you, we’re acquaintences.
9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s true!
9:36 PM Dan O’Brien - Yeah, if I wasn’t so sure that we’d all be fired, I’d say something like “Join us next week for the Presidential Debates!”
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - What? There’s MORE?
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck this.
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - I needs me some Office.
9:37 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Michael Swaim has logged off.
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - I just said that so you wouldn’t be so shocked when I logged off.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did he just say that? Or actually do it?
9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Okay, bye.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - We’re primed now.
9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - Leave.
9:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Alright, I’m out. Vote Dan O’Brien and the Reanimated Corpse of Ol’ Dirty Bastard (aka Dirt McGirt, aka Big Baby Jesus) in 08.
9:40 PM Jack O’Brien - Alright guys looks like that’s it, thanks everyone who tuned in. Hopefully we’ll do it again. If you have thoughts about the format leave them in the comments (going to regret that I’m sure).
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - Unless you guys want me to live-blog syndicated columnist Mark Shields’s post-debate PBS coverage?
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky -
9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - I can do me, Swaim AND Dan.
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Swaim: OMG his face looks like balls!
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - DOB: I want to have sex all the time!
9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Me: I’m out. Later ya’ll.

Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim

How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24) - August 9th, 2009
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube - May 27th, 2009
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde - May 23rd, 2009
The Six Flags Mascot: Like Being Kicked in the Eyes By AIDS - May 14th, 2009
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete - May 4th, 2009

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 am and is filed under 2008 Election, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

310 Responses to “Cracked.com Liveblogs the VP Debates LIVE!”

Jasonf Says:
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:54 am
fantastically funny. do it again!
soak Says:
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:22 am
Whens the next debate
mathnazi Says:
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:09 am
that was terrificulous
Foop Says:
October 3rd, 2008 at 6:25 am
beautiful. I was actually in Wasilla last week (sky-diving), and yes, their main street is two blocks long.

but wait, it gets better. those two streets have a WAL-MART on them.

and you most certainly can get a boner in alaska, but only through sheer concentrated power of will.
Slaughtermuffin Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Man they need to make the Team of Mavericks TV show.

“huge blunders throughout this administration, as there have in every administration. I have four planed for the first year. One on my birthday!”

McMilf 08!
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 pm
it’s all good
don’r worry, be happy.

May be beauty we love be what we do…
or desire

you folks rock!
Gobbo Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Man this was great. Now i expect this at every single debate EVER. Do not disappoint me now.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:18 pm
you know its possible to be pro life and pro choice. I’m that way. I think that abortion is immoral, and irresponsible and should never have to happen, but I dont belive the federal governmen should be able to say if its ok or not. It should be left up to the states to decide.
RevRogue Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
They all did good. I’m proud of them. Taught them everything they know, to be honest. Took me a whole five minutes, a few pints of “Early Times” vodka, and a couple of pre scripted jokes I was done with. I mean honestly…Sarah Palin getting on the stick…shes got FIVE kids. The question is, does she ever get OFF of it?

Ha! Now thats comedy gold.
Michael Duff Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I think Ross is the smart one, but Dan is the real winner tonight. He only wrote one joke, but was able to milk it for the whole debate. Maximum comedy, minimum effort.

That’s pro work there.

It was close for a while, but then Dan got to “Olive Garden” and locked it up.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:55 pm
HOTT
RevRogue Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Well, no problem. She can wear the makeup. I’ve no problem with that. Mascara can sponsor her even. It would be like Nascar. But with nudity.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Course I spoze you could use them for gripping.
DP13 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:52 pm
At some points in there, Palin seemed like she was going to return to Alaska (energy producing state, in case you missed that.) in tears, DOB. I think you might be able to fix that. Not behind a Denny’s though. That’s dirty.

Applebees is where it’s at.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I’m telling you man. Without that makeup I bet she looks like a hag. She’s got jowls that the makeup is straining to cover!
RevRogue Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Politics is never funny. It’s hilarious. Plus, remember…theres the very real chance that Palin could be the next president. Cause McCain is friggen ancient. And although it would be awesome, who wants a president whose every other countries leaders are trying to nail? This could lead to confusion. Namely, where I stand in the aforementioned nailing.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Also, thanks Cracked guys. Politics is more fun when it’s funny.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Oooh, straight talk at the afterparty with Soledad O’Brien.
Daniel O'Brien Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Thanks, Sheriff. We’ll work on that for next time. Not making promises, but we’ll see what we can do.
RevRogue Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Sweet! Go ROSS! Or…eh..Dan…Swain? Ya know what? How do we know you haven’t been talking for all three of you all night? Now I’m suspicious. Someones been on the stick.

Say it ain’t so, Joe.

There. A nice summation of the debate. Your welcome.
ryan Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
That was perfect. Thank you.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I LOVE YOU FOR SURE NOW, LL COOL JB!
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
About the middle class, I think I see what they’re doing. What they’re saying is the lower class is lower and bigger than we thought. No word yet on whether we’re classier. If it takes millions to get into the middle class, I guess I’ll always be po’.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
That comment was not made in the debate…that was on the news.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I still can’t believe she said, in the same sentence, I’m against abortion. It may be for other people but not for me. If other people want to do that that’s their business…

ummm…that’s what pro choice means.
Sheriff Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 pm
that was great guys but scrolling sucked.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Yeah, kids are hard, that was a cheap shot. But I still hate her.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
good chatting with yall..make sure yall register to vote..dont want that crazy heffer in the naval observatory!!
Martin Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Well, that was boring as shit. I have to thank Cracked.com for spicing up this bland turd-burger.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
you guys kinda depress the hell out of me
Robot Jesus Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
This was very wonderful and I was wating for gladstone
Crzy8s Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:38 pm
I think they all left…Oh well it sure did help pass the debate.
Roc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Joe Biden’s daughter is HOT
kat Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:38 pm
loved it
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Hey, parents can’t always keep an eye on their kids. Mine’s only 5 and she’s as sneaky as they come. The problem is that even knowing that, she’s willing to make it hard for pregnant girls to get care in a decent environment if they don’t have a caring family. My take on it: “I’m Sarah Palin and I’m better than you.”
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:36 pm
her daughters are hot
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Aww look, the whole Palin family, including her teenager daughter’s illegitimate baby…..which makes me wonder how Palin could be president if she doesn’t know what her own kids are doing.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Is the moderator reallly in a wheel chair because she fell before the interview.

BLESS YOUR HEART.. DAD AND MOM.. COMMON UP… OH IT”S LIKE WHEN I ALMOST WON THE BEAUTY CONTEST

FAMILIES ARE SO HEARTWARMING!
Res_Ipsa Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I would rather stick rusty forks in my eyes and ears rather than hear Palin talk. Ever again.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
“THANK YOU SO MUCH JOE! *whispers* Want me to blow you in the green room?”
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
No way Palin won that one. She trips all over her own comments. Now it’s time to listen to what they say on the Daily Show and Colbert Report.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
AIF’ed, back in the day when we all lived in caves, durr!
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:31 pm
McCain:Palin….Fighting for America and Freedom!

but not if your gay, middle class, poor, struggling, pro choice, a minority…..

AND WHEN “BACK IN THE DAY” WERE WE ALL FREE? When was that? I missed it.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Awesome, AT is hitting on me. YES!
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:31 pm
EVERYONE WINS.. we all walk the walk we don’t talk the talk.

As long as we’re all working together for the greater good

Whop decides on the GOOD. It’s all good Quit your bitchin

I like being able to answer these tought questions with the filter of the mainstream media.

DIE DIE DIE.. JOURNALISTS..
HOLD YOUR BREATH …
hand it to them..
sunset years
and back in the day

Is this 1900???

Common everyone q
AT Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I’m hitting on a fat chick right now. And don’t ask how I can type so well. I type better while drunk.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:30 pm
YES JOHN MCCAIN THE GUY WHO DEFLECTED INQUIRIES INTO OTHER POW’S. YAY MCCAIN!
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Maybe they’re playing AIF’ed’s drinking game?
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I hate her.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:28 pm
what the hell is going on with the dialouge from dob swaim and ross?
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Can we take 2 drinks every time she tells us how awesome she is vs how sucky the Dems are?

And 3 drinks for “nukuler” because I love nukuler.
AT Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:28 pm
AmericaIsF’ed, I’m playing your drinking game. With beer. Just beer. Just taking sips when she says “maverick”. I just puked.

QUIT SAYING MAVERICK, CUNT!
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
ALASKA! MAVERICK! ALASKA! MAYOR. MAVERICK. ALASKA. GOVERNOR. ALASKA. MAVERICK.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
yup, leaving isnt losing
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I agree with supersticky.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Why do we have to win the wars? I mean what if we just said “fuck your war, i’m going home” and left? That’s better than winning, because then people stop dying.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
What a great drinking game…drink every time she says maverick.

maverick. maverick.

maverick.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I don’t understand.
We aren’t meant to understand.

Let’s all not understand..
And I’m so sorry.. and I .. well I need to go to the restroom

Goddess bless us one and all!
infinite Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
That was a badass almost cry
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
AT that’s “Aawon Buww”
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
TOLERANCE? Of who exactly? Iran? Palestine? A womans right to choose? Gay marriage? middle class? Who are they tolerant of?
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I’m glad Biden knows what the role of the VP is…she just said she doesn’t have a clue.

Did I mention that I was a mayor and business owner and gov of an energy producing state….blah blah blah.
AT Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Aaron Burr
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm
That’s what I’m saying. She knows the deal. McCain can’t even lift his hands to comb his own hair. He is going to fall over one day (perhaps after some of her delicious homemade poison stew or something) and then she’ll be in the power seat. I was no fan of Hillary but Palin strikes fear into my heart.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm
you know what, I was wrong. This is pretty awesome..you bastards should be on CNN
Dane Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Greatest band name ever. Joe six pack and the hockey moms
Ln Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:17 pm
again with Paling and “tapping”
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
It scares the hell out of me that McCain could keel over 2 months in and she would become the figurehead and first female president of this country. That would set women back 100 years. She’s a joke. She’s a pretty face to sell a campaign.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Eww Cyenmot: that makes me think of wrinkles getting stuck together like velcro…
Ln Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
did… did y’all just hear what she said… about McCain tapping her? how are there no jokes up there about it?
Cyemmot Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
John McCain tapped Palin.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I can’t wait to get to work doing what I just admitted having no idea how to do!
JReed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Sarah Palin has some nice ass legs…I see why Dan O’Brien wants to tap that.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
This is the scary part. The vice president waits for the president to die so she can rule the country with her Iron Boobie. LOYALTY TESTS FOR ALL!
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
YOUR WIFE’S REWARD IS IN HEAVEN? That’s right, let’s not pay teachers enough, so that eventually no one will even bother taking the job on b/c they can’t feed their kids, then we’ll have a nation full of morons. Yeah, let’s do that.

No Child Left Behind and SOL’s are ruining education.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
She was on Green Acres…
Gosh Darned it!
Teachers teachers teach us LOVE!
ScaryCute Palin for …
EXTRA CREDITS!
Mitchell Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Biden: “Do you and McCain differ on any major economic policies?”

Palin: “Education is wonderful!”
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
how can anyone listen to her and think she should be in a leadership position? Are americans this stupid?
Stratford Lex Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Say it aint so Joe, Doggone it
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Palin stands for wolf-shooting from aerial vehicles. Also book-banning and making pregnant girls suffer.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
im off to listen to opeth
Aaron Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
love you guys
infinite Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Heaven forbids everything, that place is no fun.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 pm
I still can’t believe Palin said they want to stop living under the “same old politics” and they are going to change that!

Palin, do you even know what you stand for?
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Heaven DOES forbid!
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Keep your religion out of my government and off my body.
Mitchell Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Is it just me, or has Sarah Palin spent half this debate trying to pitch herself and McCain as the candidates for hope and change?
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Josh?
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Heaven forbid that there would be a separation of Church and state
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:08 pm
McCain won the war against staying with your crippled first wife.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:08 pm
what war did McCain win? Vietnam? We won that?
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
McCain knows how to win a war? How about an example? Which war has we won for us? Vietnam? Desert Storm?
tonyjk78 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Blenders?
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
McCain knows what evil is…

Thank God it’s the second coming.
Duck and cover!
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
You may be right, then, infinite. LL Cool JB does get the ladies going. I mean if he was paying me, and did something about those bags under his eyes….
mj Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
What’s up with his eyeballs?
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Well if we’re still in fucking Iraq then you win and I’ll give you a cookie.
infinite Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 pm
If you’re watching CNN you can see the “Uncommitted Ohio Voter’s” women’s line shoot up for LL Cool JB
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Which loser? And how can they be a loser if they win? AGH PARADOX!
mj Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Biden looks like he’s going to go postal.
mj Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
OK we’ll see how you feel in a few years if that loser you would rather listen to wins.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Tomorrows Headline:
Biden and Palin elope and go to Darfur

An outsider… she is so virgin.. I wanna … well..
Craving that Straight Talk..
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I understand helping countries and people that can’t help themselves, but spreading ourselves so thin that we don’t even have National Guard left in our own nation in case we need them…is not helping us. We can’t police the entire world at the expense of our own well being.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Is it because you are not illiterate?
Marc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
WTF AM I READING THIS FOR
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Maybe they should just use their nukuler weapons on the constituents of this country so nobody will complain about the money they’re not using on us.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:02 pm
We have a stomach that is so huge it looks like we’re having triplets
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:02 pm
yeah, ill give you that..we have to worry about our own interests..they got kids here who are starving and without the basic rights and we’re spending trillions overseas
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 pm
I’d rather listen to a condescending asshole than a pompous old fart with one foot in the grave.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 pm
infinite I am a lady and I primarily love Obama. He makes my panties sing a special, happy song.

Maybe I would love Biden more if he called himself LL Cool J B.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
No.. but he’s kinda sexy in a nasty daddy way. How All-American DADDY
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
hes just old, hes not condescending
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Let these nations work out their own problems. We have issues of our own. We can’t just back Israel at every turn b/c we feel guilty about the Holocaust. There I said it. Israelis were driven out, Palestinians moved in, 2000 years later we take their homeland back and give it to Israel. Of course they are upset.
mj Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Am I the only one who thinks Biden is condescending asshole, just like his running mate?
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Surge used to be a delicious soda from Coca-Cola. Now it is called Vault. Perhaps they should try a vault principle?
infinite Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Anyone else notice how much the ladies love Joe Biden?
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:58 pm
its because we have to have the back of our friends…its just a big gang..you mess with our boys we’ll fuck you up
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Trigger… isn’t that the lone ranger’s horse
Deterrent is a safe way???

Make sure they don’t act like us… We are the commanders of fear?
Can we talk about Afganistan…

Surge principals need to be implemented
Irating villages (is that a word?)
Building schools… and making marriage work.. and..
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Isn’t that really *their* problem though? What’s that really got to do with us? How long is America going to stick its hand in everyone’s pants while it’s got its own nasty case of crotch rot to contend with?
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
You can’t just assume that all countries want to be terrorize. We cause plenty of trouble in our country…we’re not exactly pascifists. I’m just saying, why is Iran more important than all the issues going on right here at home.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
i hate the way biden says bushes
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
its not that they’re brown, its because they say things like “we’ll wipe so and so off the face of the map”
DP13 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Joe Biden says “Bush’s” funny.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
its just that iran is trying to enrich their uranium past the point of power grade into weapons grade. And we had nuclear weapons before power, just saying. Iran wants to kill Isreal.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:55 pm
AmericaIsF’d we should just assume they are going to create weapons, because brown people are bad guys. All the time. Don’t you watch 24?

We can’t let some country full of brown people get nukuler power. They will use it for a weapon and kill the world. That’s why they aren’t allowed to have forks either, lest they go on suicide forkings of Westerners.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:55 pm
I just LOVE Israel….c’mon.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
nuclear power leads to nuclear weapons…2 birds with 1 stone
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
We cannot go to war and try to occupy other nations b/c they MIGHT want to hurt us one day…it’s perpetuating the lack of cooperation b/w the US and the Middle East.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
She just had a flashback to being a beauty queen.. SMILE SMILE SMILE
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I know that Metalbrainwhatever…but nuclear power is how you get nuclear weapons…but Iran has not stated that they want weapons, but that they want nuclear power for the good of their country. We do not know for a fact that they would create weapons from that power and attack.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
One side or the other thee also…
And so Sarah Palin spoke… about her
close “personal friends” in Israel
Brizz Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
This was a great idea!
multipasse Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Yeah, but Dan, neither Edwards or Cheney was a stone-cold fox.
Bujold Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Shit, my live stream of the event lagged too much to be comprehensible, so I missed Biden’s innuendos about his “stick”.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
americaisf’ded: its not nuclear power we are concerned about. its nuclear weapons.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
lol shes the major opposition to woman’s rights
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Our respect for women’s rights? And our ability to censor library books…

Back ye up there… Go back ye up to Alaska.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I think her eyes just look massive under those giant glasses.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I won’t lose any sleep if the rich have to go a day without that silver spoon in their mouths!
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Do They have those invisible prompters or is she playing a deer in the headlights?
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Ahh “nukuler,” the Republican pronunciation.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Who are we to tell other countries that they can’t have nuclear power? Why are we the nuclear power police?
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:47 pm
so whats with all this anti pakistan stuff from biden and obama. sounds like the are picking a fight.
Surgemix Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Here is palin: Mccain, Barrack, energy, alaska. etc.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:46 pm
this is all bullshit. all of it.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Freudian slip:
John MacCain… I love him
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Because, AmericaIdF’ed, to do it that way is too much like right. We must think of the pain and suffering of the rich, in their rich houses on their rich hills, eating their rich food and bemoaning the infestation of the p-p-p-poor in their cities and enclaves. Look at all the trouble we are causing them! If only we were all rich like them America wouldn’t have any problems at all!
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Get her, Biden! Get her!
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:44 pm
its our current tax code that drives our corperations over seas, we have the highest corperate tax rate in the world right now.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Oh.. I see a snarly lip
Did she get her rabies shots?
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Iraq isnt in a financial crisis..why should we be wasting all of our money?
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Gays, corporations, talabannys.. just ask Sarah
She’s a relations to Dear Abby.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Why shouldn’t those with more give more back? Why should families living paycheck to paycheck have to foot so much of the bill?
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I am totally down with that ideology. They’re raking in the big bucks. Perhaps they should just levy extra tax on crappy CEO’s.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
most of the government actually hates corperations. The house and senate are both controlled by democrats, who think that it is only “fair” to tax corperations more
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I don’t know why people want to deny gay people the right to have sexless marriages and expensive, acrimonious divorces just like everyone else.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Ask her where Palestine is!
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Thank god for Sarah Palin…it’s okay to be gay just not too close to her. An old white man can break through the old school way of defining marriage…why can’t Palin?
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:40 pm
We all agree that gays have no equal rights and are less than all of us…
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Oh boy foreign policy! Let’s see if she says she can see Russia from her house!
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Straight up hate is correct
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Straight up.. striaght talk hate talk
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Metalbrainsurgery I’m not saying you’re wrong, I just haven’t seen whatever data you are referring to. Therefore it simply seems suspicious to me that our corporation-loving government would have any reason other than personal benefit to lower corporate taxes.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Oh no.. here comes a doozy
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
joe biden said a week ago that he was against clean coal, and now just said that he was always for clean coal.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
She needs a drill to the face.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Drilling as raping the outcontinental shelf It’s safe to drill and we need to do more of that.

I need to go to the restroom
Bob Anybody Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
a pipeline that they paid canadians to build
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Shaa
Twinkie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I’d drill her.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
super sticky, how does that sound suspicous? It is a statistical fact that lowering capital gains and corprate tax, that more revinue is generated for the government. Therefore its posible to lower taxes on the little man.
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
DRILL, BABY, DRILL? Let’s just use up all those natural resources, as quicky and inefficiently as possible.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:34 pm
DID SHE REALLY SAY
DRILL BABY DRILL????
Helter Skelter Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Putin means Little Faggot in Spanish =)
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 pm
I love how she is not mentioning oil at all. Possibly because she said “I beg to disagree with any candidate who would say we can’t drill our way out of our problem.” She wasn’t talking about the environment but her message was loud and clear.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 pm
This is the best comedic performance of history:
ELECT LITTLE MS> PIT BULL.. we need the happiness
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 pm
She has no freaking clue what she’s talking about. America cares MORE about the environment than other countries? Didn’t Bush show that that is NOT the case by not signing any of the treaties to help protect the environment?
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Clean up.. and deal with it
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Alaska fills and sees … even more sexy
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
wow, she really messed that up
tim Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
i want to see her naked
Twinkie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
DOB, you win with the tits post.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
jrock, it’s a secret. They don’t want anyone to know.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
yay boobs from DOB
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Let’s play let’s pretned
Captain PTSD
and Little Miss Pit bull
(who needs voice lessons PULEEZE)

who are you gonna pet?

Nonsensical position

What meds is she on?
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
and shes a regular gal? like middle america? I didnt know that middle americans were millionaires…
AmericaIsF'ed Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Really? Is she smoking crack?
Panoramix18 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Thanks for keeping this fun. Otherwise I might need to be Joe Six-pack
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Just sounds suspicious to me. Corporations get enough breaks as it is. Seems like if the people are poor they’re not going to be doing much shopping anyway.

Oh and Sarah Palin, real clever, since you’ve been giving it up to oil companies forever. Ahaha greed, oh Sarah. Who was it that paid for your inaugural ball? What? BP? That’s right.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
debaits are like dildos. They are huge, but quite dissapointing.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I want a CD of her performance.
Hear again, there have been so many changes.. so many more revelations
DO I HEAR HORSES FROM THE APOCALYPSE?? REAR THAT HEAD OF ABUSE
Stratford Lex Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:26 pm
she aint smilin no more
DP13 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:26 pm
SWaim. STop capitalizing the first two letters in each sentence. IT’s annoying.
Twinkie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I’m surprised Palin hasn’t mentioned that McCain was a POW.
Stratford Lex Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
she jus ethered herself, how long have i been at this 5 weeks? LMBLACKAO
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:24 pm
she talks like trailer trash
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Bless their hearts… but they’re not my biggest fans
God bless us one and all!
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
no super stick, you lower corprate tax rate, you dont need to tax the people as much either, because bussiness does so much better that there are larger gains for the government.
Tanger Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
avoid taxes - all for it
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
“O Lawd, give me strenf. An’ pleeze let de wolf huntin’ be good when I get home. Amen.”
brian Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
don’t count on any tax breaks with obama. check out who his financial advisor is and ask why she can no longer run a bank. she was involved in sub prime loans years ago and had to get bailed out
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I think she’s praying
Twinkie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Taxes? In MY health care…?
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
this whole thing is bullshit, im out
RevRogue Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Oooo. Split screen. Now you can see the look on Biden’s face as he smirks at her response. He’s just wanting to nail her too. You can tell. The brutha’s rubbed off on him.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I disagree with lowering corporate tax. They should tax corporations more and tax people less. Without the people, the corporations wouldn’t have anyone to sell shit to. On the other hand, for many centuries people operated just fine without corporations.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
She needs a massage or has early osteoporosis.
Sarah Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Yeah…why isn’t Gladstone here? There’s a lot to hate here.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
P.S. I don’t know why anyone thinks Palin is hot. She’s pretty average looking, and if you cast a cold eye at her complexion you can see she’s got about 1/4 inch of foundation and cover-up on it. Take a chisel to it and the wrinkles will spring out with such force they can cause a concussion.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
super sticky, when you lower capital gains tax and corprate tax, bussiness booms. so lowering the taxes efectivly creates more revinue
Stratford Lex Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Whos she callin Barack, Senator Obama to u heffa, he aint ur friend
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Super wealthy doing “pretty well?”
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:16 pm
no ross, the coin slot eyes was brilliant
Twinkie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:15 pm
The wonders of makeup. Wow.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Straight talk is HATE TALK
Broose Muce Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:14 pm
They do not want to talk to each other.
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:14 pm
And why do the Republicans keep thinking that the US can function without revenue? Where are they going to get money from? That’s what taxes are FOR, Sarah Palin! I’m not all about taxing people to death but for crying out loud at the rate the govt is spending our money and not giving it back, if we want anything done like our roads fixed, our schools run, and a million other things, it’s got to come from taxes.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:14 pm
DOB I love you.
ZiggyTheZ Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:14 pm
This was such a good idea. Thank you Cracked.
Ln Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:14 pm
this is infuriating me. peace out. someone tell me when Biden wins. [honestly, i know pieces of string smarter than Palin.]
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
KILL JOBS!
Jef Taylor Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Yay the 42,000 lie!
Twinkie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Palin is too hot to be veep.
joe Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Ill drink to sex with Sarah
Il Grit Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
They don’t look at the moderator, biden does. Palin looks in the camera.
RevRogue Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
So far so good guys. Eh, ixnay on the makin’ out, tho. Remember, this is serious stuff. Our goal here is to get someone to make out with Sarah Palin.

I volunteer. I’m a patriot.
BurntDevil Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Biden makes me sleepy.

Palin makes me horny.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Ooh i’m excited six packs and soccer moms get back toether…. lo ve it
Justin Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
“Senator Biden..” what happened to Joe?
Razok Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Ross. I love you.

“Coin slot eyes”. Priceless.
America Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Americans suck
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 pm
What? Tanger you have got to be kidding. The American working class should not have to pay for the mistakes of rich people only looking to get richer. What the heck mistakes are you talking about the poor making?
Sloane Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 pm
she’s creepng me out
Tanger Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
the rich should not have to pay for the errors of the poor
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I’m skeered of Sarah Palin. She looks like the Manchurian candidate.
I'm Smoove Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Biden is eyeing Palin like he’s gonna go Dexter on her. He definitely has a couple of kids locked up in the basement.
Sloane Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 pm
I wish she wasn’t so hot
Il Grit Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 pm
With all due respect, I am not american and I write from abroad watching this on c-span - what the fuck is palin talking about ?
Stratford Lex Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Ya darn right
Tanger Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
What happened to her red outfit? tiger wears one when he wants to win
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
shes a bit dumb
Sloane Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I hate this woman
Res_Ipsa Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
GAH THEY ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING SPECIFIC AT ALL THESE ANSWERS ARE SO FUCKING VACUOUS

GAHHHHH
Ln Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
i’m loving Palin’s face as Biden talks. did she really just roll her eyes? very professional.
Erin Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
i am sick of that fucking word!
Justin Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Why the fuck did she wink?
Roc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Shut up, woman.
High Definition Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Palin is still lookin like a stone cold fox.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
oooh wow mcain said the fundamentals of the economy are strong, so did Obama a week or so before that
Tanger Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Wow she is hot. now where is my kleenex box and vaseline?
Amber2809 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Would so love to join in on what I am sure will be most hilarious. Unfortunately (I don’t mean that) I must away to attend an extremely boozy luncheon….oh the things I have to do. I look forward to reading all these witty comments when I sober up (should be about Monday).
Mr. Bodges Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Biden looks stoned. Oh wait, he always looks like that.
tonyjk78 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Sarah’s got mad cheekbones… or blush.
SammyZ Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Tick,tock,tick,tock
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
hah bidens face during palin’s answer
Ln Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
“evesessive politics.” there you go.
Crzy8s Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Pants are pulled, ready to go!
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Hmm, that’s why the girl gets no satisfactions?
Mr. Bodges Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
This is AWFUL.
Ln Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
This needs to move to stickam.
erm what? Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
erm. So, we’re supposed to keep refreshing or what?
Sheriff Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
well this is shit i feel used…
Michael Swaim Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Live as Fuck means there’s a slight delay. Just like when we fuck.
Tomji Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Speak with americans?
Mr. Bodges Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Live? This is as lame as Biden’s tie.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
vpilf indeed
Roc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
The word of the day is: FUNDAMENTAL.
Ln Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Swaim has lied to us.
Crzy8s Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
It has begun!
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
F5 to refresh every second or so
mattie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Palin asked to call the senator Joe so she could sound more folksy.
snipes Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
VPILF!!!!!
supersticky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Joe Biden looks really tired. Joe Biden needs a nap.
Twinkie Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Biden looks…old.
jrock Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
this isn’t not so cool. I thought it was a chatroom
Justin Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Dude, the audio lagged on C-SPAN.
jimmy Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Not so fuckin live is it?
Stratford Lex Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:03 pm
damn, she didnt trip
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:02 pm
So I am totaly not impressed with the choice of the moderator. She has a finantial stake in this election, what with her book “Age of Obama”.
Surgemix Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
It has begun!
DonGiovanni Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
gogogogo!
ray Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
How’s this going to work?
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I’m pumped, 3 or so more minutes.
Ross Wolinsky Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Woc: My dick warned you repeatedly to CITE YOUR FUCKING SOURCES.
PrayAwayMyGay Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
AAAAAAACK! SO excited. Just hope I don’t fall asleep before the debate happens.
Res_Ipsa Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:06 pm
The only way this could be better would be if one or more of them were trippin’ on hallucinogens.
Shana Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I’m not sure I understand how this is going to work, but I know it shall be awesome.
Robot Jesus Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I wonder if any of the cracked liberal bias will come to light…
Not (Gay) Clay Aiken Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Sweet.
woc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
also: Canadians have debates? Omg that is precious, do they like wear suits and everything? that sounds adorable where can i see this
woc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Professor Wolinksy’s dick gave me a D on my midterm…asshole
Roc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Michael Swaim, you’re a pundit to Homosexuality.
Stratford Lex Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Cant wait, should be hilarity.
Daniel O'Brien Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:26 pm
That’s a good point Watch TV, but the problem, if you watch it online, is that you won’t be getting our brilliant, up-to-the-second insight. Same as if you visit electioneagle’s site. This is the ONLY PLACE on the internet where you can get all of our opinions. Me? I was Clinton’s Chief Campaign Manager for his second election, (he won). So many presidents have hired Swaim as their speech writer he has his own room in the White House and Ross teaches Political Science at Harvard. Teaches it with his dick.

Don’t miss this, motherfolkers.
Watch TV Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Well you can watch it online too.
Brizz Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Bookmarked that shit, you know how I do.
Rambo Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
What’s a presidential debate?
mahatmallama Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
So you guys are collumnists now? Sounds professional. It’s very fitting for this web site.
Michael Swaim Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
That’s because the TAM! tour will leave no survivors.
kingmonkey Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I just saw Jon Lajoie on Saturday! Now, as soon as TAM!’s tour comes to Casnadia, my life will be complete… as in, over.
Metalbrainsurgery, Venerial Sunshine Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
cant wait to argue with a drunk swaim, or talk about boobs with a drunk DOB
electioneagle Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Another awesome place to check out the decision is unfuse.com http://www.unfuse.com/decisions/75-Palin-vs-Biden-VP-Debate/finalize
I think it’s slick how they compare the options.
lolmao Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
you know, i’m gonna end up accidentally using something from here on my paper for school now, thanks guys
ArthurSpeakman Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Sounds great!

-Arthur
DP13 Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
The last time I did something like this, it was FunnyorDie.com promising me some Dark Knight action. All they came up with was this stupid thing explaining why they can’t show Dark Knight.

It wasn’t funny. It was die.

Don’t FOD me, Swaim. I can’t take another disappointment.
woc Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
kingmonkey, canadians should be seen, not heard. as a matter of fact, they really shouldnt even be seen. back to your corner now pls ty.
Panzer-Stier Ross Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
It’ll be a change tonight, what with it being the first time in any debate when frat boys have turned up to yell “show us your boobs!” at one of the participants.

And of course, Sarah Palin might get some attention.
Michael Swaim Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Believe it or not, the Cracked Bloggers and Jon Lajoie both arrived at the term “Live as Fuck” via separate pathways. I suppose great minds and all that.
Heinrich Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
Swaim, are you a Jon Lajoie fan?
Cause his tour-thing right now is called ‘Live as Fuck’.

French swears don’t make sense, and my roommate will cheer in response to every Liberal party answer. It’s weird. I keep telling him TV can’t hear him.
kingmonkey Says:
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:35 am
I won’t be there. I will be waiting for Bucholz to do the same thing for our federal debates tonight. It’ll be much the same, but with Casnadian beer, and Québecois swears that don’t really make sense when translated.

Swaim

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