8:10 PMRoss Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
8:10 PMMichael Swaim - He’s hanging out at my place. He’s now Joe Fourpack.
8:10 PMDan O’Brien - “If I’m Vice President, I’m gonna stop corruption…Just seems like a no-brainer.”
8:10 PMMichael Swaim - And he’s pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
8:10 PMDan O’Brien - “And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime.”
8:11 PMMichael Swaim - “Rainbows? Is that…yeah? Yeah!”
8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - That sounded pretty smart for a woman who didn’t know that Fannie & Freddy weren’t OWNED BY THE GOVERNMENT uhh… how long ago was that? Oh yeah… TWO WEEKS AGO.
8:11 PMDan O’Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden’s eyes.
8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN’S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
8:12 PMMichael Swaim - They show weakness by looking at the moderator instead of each other. When will they learn: we just want a staring competition.
8:12 PMMichael Swaim - I think you’re underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
8:12 PMDan O’Brien - Okay, so last week Barack said “McCain is right” over and over again. Today, Joe Biden is saying “Barack was right.” By transitive property, Joe Biden is doing more work for McCain in this debate than Palin.
8:12 PMDan O’Brien - Okay, I’ve started a new drinking game.
8:12 PMMichael Swaim - Darn Right X 2
8:12 PMDan O’Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:13 PMDan O’Brien - Up! Side on the people.
8:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O’Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Oh wait I get it. Shit. You’re racist. That’s funny.
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Gladstone laughs when a dab gruel from the corner of his mouth.
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - I*
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Poor bastard.
8:16 PMDan O’Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don’t think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
8:17 PMMichael Swaim - I hear so much about the middle class, but as a billionare Blogger, I somehow can’t bring myself to care.
8:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - The middle class makes me SICK.
8:17 PMDan O’Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don’t think I’d be surprised.
8:17 PMDan O’Brien - Biden’s just this totally quirky, strange, odd little man that no one’s listening to.
8:17 PMMichael Swaim - I’m typing this on a diamond.
8:17 PMMichael Swaim - That’s the level of wealth we’re talking about here.
8:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - YOU HAVE ,Timezone:-5.2 MILLION IN ASSETS. THAT IS NOT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
8:18 PMMichael Swaim - Like Kucinich.
8:18 PMDan O’Brien - Sarah’s talking to the Government.
8:18 PMMichael Swaim - That’s because she actually thinks it’s a sentient being.
8:18 PMDan O’Brien - Look at her swinging that head. She WANTS me to have sex with her.
8:18 PMMichael Swaim - She imagines a large friendly man that she can have conversations with about votes and such.
8:19 PMMichael Swaim - Bush must feel so abandoned right now.
8:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - Question: If someone hates the government so much, why do they want to be the President?
8:19 PMDan O’Brien - Are you guys picking up on Palin’s subtext? If you take every third word she says, there’s a hidden message.
8:19 PMMichael Swaim - This country needs a President with vocal poise.
8:20 PMMichael Swaim - They got 3 trillion dollars by taxing MY health care?!
8:20 PMMichael Swaim - I knew that vasectomy bill was high.
8:20 PMDan O’Brien - You know, with McCain, we get about an additional 396 back each year, as far as taxes go. With Obama, we get about 1,100. Let’s vote for Obama.
8:21 PMMichael Swaim - Did I meantion Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:21 PMRoss Wolinsky - You did, but your Klan hood muffled it.
8:21 PMDan O’Brien - That’s not Michelle Obama. That’s Joe Biden.
8:22 PMRoss Wolinsky - I thought that was John McCain. Damn - politics are complicated.
8:22 PMDan O’Brien - That was HILARIOUS.
8:22 PMMichael Swaim - When is a candidate going to have the balls to stand up AGAINST affordable health care?
8:22 PMDan O’Brien - Oh, I’m sorry I switched over to Hangin With mr Cooper again.
8:22 PMMichael Swaim - His eyebrows are perfectly level.
8:22 PMMichael Swaim - I could use him to align a shelving unit.
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - Speaking of eyebrows, I want to have sex with Sarah Palin. look at those fucking eyebrows.
8:23 PMRoss Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack thinks energy plans are BOOORRRRRIIIINNNNG.
8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Her flag pin’s got a pole and rope whipping in the wind. That’s gotta count for something.
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - She’s from Alaska?
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - This is the first I’ve heard of it.
8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
8:23 PMMichael Swaim - I thought she was from SNL.
8:24 PMRoss Wolinsky - Guess what? JOE SIXPACK DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING VOTE.
8:24 PMMichael Swaim - What?! Did you even WATCH the AMerican Idol finals?!
8:24 PMMichael Swaim - He votes ten times a night.
8:24 PMDan O’Brien - HA, if I take a shot whenever she says “Alaska” on top of the drinking I do whenever I want to have sex with her, that’s bad news.
8:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - Why CAN’T you text in your vote for Prez?
8:25 PMMichael Swaim - It depends if the way she says “Alaska” makes you want to have sex with her.
8:25 PMDan O’Brien - Hey if I suddenly stop commenting, somebody call 911. Just say “DOB.” They know where I live, and that I’m unconscious due to alcohol poisoning.
8:25 PMMichael Swaim - THat’s a double whammie right there.
8:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - Let’s get down to brass tacks: How much money are these candidates going to give me?
8:25 PMMichael Swaim - He just pulled out the Bob Dole fist wave.
8:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - Just tell me how much money I get for voting for you.
8:26 PMMichael Swaim - You have to counterbalance it against the cost of the text.
8:26 PMMichael Swaim - That jacket is made of quilts.
8:26 PMDan O’Brien - At CNN, there’s this chart for uncommitted voters in Ohio. It looks like it’s constantly changing. Are there people in Ohio who are constantly answering polls about who to vote for?
8:26 PMDan O’Brien - I passed through Ohio when I drove across country. They have an outside. Go outside, Ohioans. Stop taking polls.
8:27 PMMichael Swaim - You didn’t hear? THey just put brain probes into all of the people in Ohio. Seemed like a good idea to keep an eye on them.
8:27 PMRoss Wolinsky - I lived in Ohio once. That’s all they do there.
8:27 PMRoss Wolinsky - Constantly voting in polls.
8:27 PMRoss Wolinsky - Ever since the rubber factories closed.
8:27 PMMichael Swaim - They talk about bipartisanship so much I’m waiting for them to join hands and a unicorn to take the stage.
8:27 PMDan O’Brien - Is it a crisis or a toxic mess, Sarah. Typical flipflopping.
8:27 PMMichael Swaim - PLEEEEAAAASE!
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - Is he trying to make us READ now?
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - Enough with the graphs and charts, professor. Let’s get back to the down-home country wisdom.
8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - “Get on the stick?”
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - See, THAT’S what I’m talking about
8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did he just say “Get on the stick”?
8:28 PMDan O’Brien - “Quote I’m paraphrasing?” Those are two different things.
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - He did. And he winked at Sarah Palin right at that instant.
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - It was subtle.
8:29 PMRoss Wolinsky - He’s good.
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - His eyes are already so squinty, it might have been my imagination.
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - If htey get caught fucking backstage after the debates, then you’ll know I was right.
8:29 PMDan O’Brien - Hey…Hey Sarah….
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - “I’m bipartisan, but your ticket sucks tits.”
8:29 PMDan O’Brien -
8:29 PMDan O’Brien - Whaddaya think of that, Sarah.
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - Is that your new avatar?
8:29 PMDan O’Brien - Is…is that something that interests you?
8:30 PMMichael Swaim - I’d be more inclined to talk to you.
8:30 PMDan O’Brien - Because I can get her Sarah. You, me and her.
8:30 PMMichael Swaim - Can we…take this private?
8:30 PMDan O’Brien - Do…do you think you might be into that, Sarah Palin?
8:30 PMMichael Swaim - Damn Cracked duties, always tearing me away from the tings I love.
8:30 PMMichael Swaim - And I love MANY tings.
8:30 PMMichael Swaim - Mon.
8:30 PMRoss Wolinsky - Is she the governor of Alaska?
8:31 PMDan O’Brien - Whoa, Alaska?
8:31 PMMichael Swaim - I thought she was the Mayor of Alaska. What state is Alaska in, anyway?
8:31 PMDan O’Brien - Russia.
8:31 PMRoss Wolinsky - Let’s move all our climate changes over to Russia and let ol’ Putin worry about it.
8:32 PMMichael Swaim - Heh. Pootin.
8:32 PMMichael Swaim - I’m sorry, what?
8:32 PMDan O’Brien - I’d rather Putin be my Vice President than Palin.
8:32 PMDan O’Brien - Or Pootin.
8:32 PMDan O’Brien - Or Pootie Tang.
8:32 PMMichael Swaim - See you in the gulag, comrade.
8:32 PMRoss Wolinsky - Bold statement, Biden.
8:32 PMRoss Wolinsky - That took balls.
8:32 PMMichael Swaim - This whole live blog was just a way to flush out the red menace from teh ranks of the Cracked blog.
8:33 PMMichael Swaim - He’s listing facts. Mistake number one.
8:33 PMMichael Swaim - Or…eight.
8:33 PMDan O’Brien - Biden’s losing my support. I drive a stretch-hummer that uses smaller hummers for fuel.
8:33 PMDan O’Brien - (The hummers must be fully fueled)
8:33 PMMichael Swaim - Drill we must.
8:34 PMRoss Wolinsky - There’s gotta be a way to connect “Drill” with “Get on the stick”
8:34 PMMichael Swaim - The sexual innuendo is his main talking point.
8:34 PMDan O’Brien - McCain voted against alt. energy 20 times? Why do they keep having this vote?
8:34 PMDan O’Brien - How many times does something get voted on?
8:34 PMMichael Swaim - I hope Palin wins, just so we can use up all our “that’s what she said” jokes.
8:34 PMDan O’Brien - OH I wanna have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:34 PMMichael Swaim - I know I chant “drill baby drill” in public, I just didn’t realize it was a political statement.
8:34 PMRoss Wolinsky - Does SNL have a decent fake Biden yet?
8:35 PMMichael Swaim - Come November, Biden can do it.
8:35 PMDan O’Brien - Fred Armisen could probably do it, but he’s Obama.
8:35 PMDan O’Brien - They need to bring back Phil Hartman.
8:35 PMMichael Swaim - I’m so hungry for oil guys. Fuck this beer. I’m going to go get some oil.
8:35 PMMichael Swaim - Delicious crude.
8:35 PMRoss Wolinsky - John McCain voted AGAINST reanimating Phil Hartman. 50 TIMES.
8:35 PMDan O’Brien - Are they any commercials in this fucking thing or what?
8:36 PMMichael Swaim - What’s the matter? Running out of pre-written quips, O’Brien?
8:36 PMRoss Wolinsky - Thanks, Grank.
8:36 PMDan O’Brien - UGH.
8:36 PMMichael Swaim - Your precious Mr. Cooper bit wearing thin?
8:36 PMMichael Swaim - Did I mention Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:36 PMMichael Swaim - Fuck, i’m drunk.
8:36 PMDan O’Brien - I had the interns throw together some funny zingers. They wrote “I want to have sex with Sarah Palin” over and over again. I’m out.
8:36 PMRoss Wolinsky - Racism is old hat, Swaim. Let’s move on to homophobia.
8:36 PMMichael Swaim - SHut it, fagalicious.
8:36 PMRoss Wolinsky - BIDEN IS GAY LOL
8:37 PMDan O’Brien - “I’m surprised you got all that out, Senator Biden. You’d think all that cock in your mouth would’ve obfuscated your speech.”
8:37 PMMichael Swaim - Gay marriage…clearly the most important issue in this or any election.
8:37 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did you guys hear that Sarah Palin has a gay friend?
8:37 PMDan O’Brien - POW! I should write Sarah Palin’s speeches.
8:38 PMMichael Swaim - Ross, she just PRETENDS to be Biden’s friend.
8:38 PMDan O’Brien - “Diverse family?”
8:38 PMDan O’Brien - Your daughter’s a tramp.
8:38 PMMichael Swaim - Big shocker.
8:38 PMMichael Swaim - Ask her about DINOSAURS!!!!
8:38 PMRoss Wolinsky - Her daughter has cool boobs.
8:38 PMDan O’Brien - I used to know a bunch of skanky blond “diverse” girls back in Jersey, Ms Palin.
8:38 PMMichael Swaim - Cause if two male dinos can’t get hitched, then what the fuck is this all about?
8:39 PMRoss Wolinsky - There were no gay dinosaurs, Swaim.
8:39 PMDan O’Brien - Did you catch the recent study?
8:39 PMRoss Wolinsky - Except brachiosaurus.
8:39 PMDan O’Brien - Male Velociraptors carried and raised children, and females went and hunted and had affairs and ruled.
8:39 PMMichael Swaim - Dimetrodon fooled around sometimes. But he won’t talk about it.
8:39 PMRoss Wolinsky - VOTE DIMETRODON. HE IS DISCREET!
8:39 PMDan O’Brien - What’s going on in Iraq?
8:40 PMDan O’Brien - Oh shit, Mr. Cooper just killed one of the insurgents.
8:40 PMMichael Swaim - I heard the Democrats just sent the troops a big crate of shit with a note that said “fucking die.”
8:40 PMMichael Swaim - Early withdrawal is always a problem when I surge.
8:40 PMMichael Swaim - ZING!
8:40 PMDan O’Brien - “We’ve got to win”? THAT is your exit strategy?
8:41 PMDan O’Brien - “Not lose”?
8:41 PMMichael Swaim - Well, we’re closer to victory.
8:41 PMDan O’Brien - Holy shit, give her the army already.
8:41 PMDan O’Brien - It’s fresh ideas like this that we’ve been missing.
8:41 PMDan O’Brien - Congress it’s all “Lose lose lose.”
8:41 PMMichael Swaim - McCain’s got the 10,000 year plan, which I think shows some ballsy foresight.
8:41 PMDan O’Brien - Finally, someone has the balls to say “Let’s win.” And she also has a vagina.
8:41 PMRoss Wolinsky - It’s easier to have a 10,000 year plan when you’re 72 years old.
8:42 PMMichael Swaim - He should buy a tortoise. THat’d keep him going.
8:45 PMMichael Swaim - When pteranodons are nothing but a recent memory.
8:45 PMDan O’Brien - This is so fucking frustrating. This debate? All they’re doing is contradicting each other. “McCain voted against this.” “Wrong, BARACK voted against this.” On every fucking issue.
8:45 PMDan O’Brien - Who do we trust? Who are we supposed to trust?
8:45 PMRoss Wolinsky - Trust me.
8:46 PMDan O’Brien - It’s shit like this that makes me want to steal a plane and fly it into Nixon.
8:46 PMMichael Swaim - Didn’t you ever debate in High School Dan?
8:46 PMMichael Swaim - It’s basically this. But you get Gatorade in between questions.
8:46 PMDan O’Brien - I did. I rocked it all the time.
8:46 PMMichael Swaim - By keeping on the stick, right? Right?!
8:46 PMMichael Swaim - VOTE BIDEN: HE KEEPS ON THE STICK.
8:46 PMRoss Wolinsky - Get on that stick!
8:46 PMDan O’Brien - Wait, is “debate” your way of saying “porking in the faculty bathroom?”
8:46 PMDan O’Brien - Stick it to ‘em!
8:46 PMMichael Swaim - No, that’s “extra credit.”
8:46 PMRoss Wolinsky - This is going to be the best counterpoint
8:47 PMRoss Wolinsky - EVER
8:47 PMDan O’Brien - Joe Biden knows where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PMRoss Wolinsky - What do you think she’s going to change the subject to?
8:47 PMMichael Swaim - Although you get Gatorade at that too.
8:47 PMMichael Swaim - If you’re good.
8:47 PMRoss Wolinsky - Hockey?
8:47 PMDan O’Brien - Why hasn’t Joe Biden told anyone where Bin Laden lives?
8:47 PMMichael Swaim - He lives with Joe Sixpack in a Winnebago playing Springsteen all day.
8:47 PMRoss Wolinsky - “I dealt with this sort of thing all the time when I was the mayor of a town with 11,000 people in it.”
8:47 PMMichael Swaim - He will…IF we vote for him. \
8:47 PMDan O’Brien - “Ackmahdinehjad?”
8:47 PMRoss Wolinsky - PS: Is “Nucular” a GOP talking point now?
8:48 PMDan O’Brien - See, I don’t trust Sarah Palin. She’s implying that Obama wants to meet with terrorists and just, like, hang out with them. There’s no way that’s true.
8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - I actually WANT a president who can just hang with terrorists.
8:49 PMDan O’Brien - “Hey, come to the White House, terrorist. Let’s just relax and watch ‘Raymond.’”
8:49 PMMichael Swaim - Didn’t you see that New Yorker cover?
8:49 PMMichael Swaim - That was a candid photo.
8:49 PMDan O’Brien - Who hates Freedom?
8:49 PMMichael Swaim - They hate our freedoms.
8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - Just go over there and be like “Hey I know we’re all just throwing dice and talking about jihad or whatever, but hey - can you guys stop hating our freedom?”
8:49 PMMichael Swaim - They
8:49 PMDan O’Brien - Name me one fucking person who hates freedom.
8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - Gladstone hates freedom.
8:49 PMMichael Swaim - THEY! THEY! Are you even LISTENING?!
8:49 PMDan O’Brien - That’s brainwashing shit right there. “They hate our freedom.”
8:49 PMMichael Swaim - Well yeah, but I didn’t want to bring it up.
8:49 PMRoss Wolinsky - BACK YE UP DERE!
8:50 PMMichael Swaim - They hate our many democracies.
8:50 PMDan O’Brien - Our enemies don’t WANT you to smile or orgasm.
8:50 PMDan O’Brien - Man, I miss John Edwards vs Dick Cheney. THAT was an interesting VP debate.
8:50 PMDan O’Brien - Neither of these bastards are charismatic.
8:50 PMMichael Swaim - Biden’s smart. What better way to prove your talking ability that repeat the word “talk” a few times?
8:51 PMMichael Swaim - I miss Dan Quail.
8:51 PMDan O’Brien - Spain….
8:51 PMRoss Wolinsky - Spain? Is Spain a thing now?
8:51 PMDan O’Brien - Biden is losing his shit.
8:51 PMDan O’Brien - GOD I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:52 PMMichael Swaim - Spain’s been a thing ever since they DISCOVERED AMERICA.
8:52 PMRoss Wolinsky - Holy shit - Sarah Palin just solved the Middle East.
8:52 PMMichael Swaim - That’s the homeland yo.
8:52 PMMichael Swaim - Except for, you know, Indians.
8:52 PMDan O’Brien - Dude, if she loses this election, her family is gonna fall apart because no one’s paying them to pretend they love each other, and I’m totally gonna take her to Olive Garden.
8:52 PMDan O’Brien - “Endless pasta, baby.”
8:52 PMMichael Swaim - O’Brien’s always ready to swoop in with breadsticks and win the lady’s heart.
8:52 PMRoss Wolinsky - Does Sarah Palin know Israel is full of jews?
8:52 PMDan O’Brien - What’s the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom?
8:53 PMDan O’Brien - I don’t want to have sex with a pitbull in the parking lot behind a Dennys.
8:53 PMRoss Wolinsky - Biden’s about to pull a yamulka out of his pocket
8:53 PMMichael Swaim - Okay, they’re starting to use a lot of foreign words. I might zone out for a bit.
8:54 PMDan O’Brien - Hey, what’s North Korea doing?
8:54 PMDan O’Brien - I’m still kind of worried about north korea.
8:54 PMMichael Swaim - His head is a perfect square. The man’s all angles.
8:54 PMMichael Swaim - That’s strength of character right there.
8:54 PMRoss Wolinsky - THEY BOTH LOVE ISRAEL!
8:54 PMMichael Swaim - Team America beat North Korea. That’s over.
8:54 PMRoss Wolinsky - but… which one loves it MORE?
8:55 PMDan O’Brien - Look at how much Sarah wants to have sex with me.
8:55 PMMichael Swaim - Logic would seem to dictate, whoever wins the election.
8:55 PMDan O’Brien - Did you see that look she gave?
8:55 PMDan O’Brien - THERE IT IS AGAIN!
8:55 PMRoss Wolinsky - I actually did see that.
8:55 PMMichael Swaim - She’s only doing that because I waggled my ass in front of the set.
8:55 PMMichael Swaim - For totally unrelated reasons.
8:55 PMRoss Wolinsky - Does that pen have ink in it?
8:56 PMMichael Swaim - Uh oh, he’s caught in a loop.
8:56 PMMichael Swaim - Someone tap him lightly on the back of the head.
8:56 PMDan O’Brien - Oh, Sarah. After this election shit is over, I’m gonna take you out on the town. Tie you to a tree somewhere, and plow you like a bandit.
8:56 PMMichael Swaim - A bright blue zebra had to die so that moderator could look so bombin’.
8:56 PMDan O’Brien - Nucular? The moderator just said “Nuclear.” You just heard how it’s supposed to go.
8:56 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did she say we have too many people in too many parts of the planet?
8:57 PMDan O’Brien - Two crazy dictators’ names butchered.
8:57 PMMichael Swaim - She asked permission to speak.
8:57 PMMichael Swaim - That’s so adorable.
8:57 PMDan O’Brien - That’s fanfuckingtastic.
8:57 PMMichael Swaim - Fuck, she’s won me over.
8:57 PMDan O’Brien - I’m sure they won’t do anything irrational.
8:57 PMMichael Swaim - Hey, you think Joe Sixpack can pronounce the names of foreign dictators? Hell no.
8:58 PMMichael Swaim - He’s too busy playing “America the Beautiful” on a fife.
8:58 PMRoss Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack is mowin’ the lawn right now.
8:58 PMMichael Swaim - on a hot summer’s day, while his wife makes some chilled lemonade, somewhere in anytown, USA.
8:58 PMDan O’Brien - Sarah, I’ve seen pictures of your snowmobile stupid husband. He doesn’t look like he can massage your feet worth a damn. I can. I’m that guy. I have OILS, Sarah Palin, DESIGNED to make you orgasm through your feet.
8:58 PMMichael Swaim - God, I hate them.
8:58 PMRoss Wolinsky - He’s listening to “Born To Run” on his iPod.
8:58 PMRoss Wolinsky - and he’s pissed that he couldn’t find an mp3 player that was made in the USA.
8:59 PMDan O’Brien - You’ll be cleaning out lady goo from between your toes for WEEKS.
8:59 PMMichael Swaim - A paperboy just hit him in the head with a paper and he’s laughing good-naturedly.
8:59 PMRoss Wolinsky - Congrats Dan: You just bummed me out.
8:59 PMDan O’Brien - Doesn’t Sarah think it’s weird that everyone else is saying “Nuclear”?
8:59 PMMichael Swaim - Now the people from the bank are coming to tell him his house has been foreclosed on.
8:59 PMDan O’Brien - You knew the risk when you signed up, Ross.
8:59 PMMichael Swaim - Now he’s slipping the shotgun barrels into his mouth, and weeping a single tear…
9:00 PMMichael Swaim - Do you guys remember surge?
9:00 PMMichael Swaim - That was a good soda.
9:00 PMDan O’Brien - I DO
9:00 PMMichael Swaim - Yeah. Afghanistan. Surge. Makes sense.
9:00 PMDan O’Brien - They used to have a fountain.
9:00 PMDan O’Brien - A SURGE FOUNTAIN.
9:00 PMRoss Wolinsky - It worked.
9:00 PMRoss Wolinsky - That was the best thing about Surge. It worked.
9:00 PMMichael Swaim - Oh, it did? I missed it. That’s cool.
9:00 PMDan O’Brien - I used to put Surge on my ice cream.
9:00 PMMichael Swaim - All the Surge had to go to Iraq.
9:01 PMDan O’Brien - That Surge disappeared. Good exit strategy.
9:01 PMMichael Swaim - It’s like WW2 Iron rations all over again, except way worse, because it affects me.
9:01 PMRoss Wolinsky - Dick Luger is the baddest assest name ever.
9:01 PMDan O’Brien - Joe Biden never said “endquote.”
9:01 PMMichael Swaim - It’s also a pretty decent birth control device.
9:01 PMDan O’Brien - Essentially, this is all supposed to be something McCain said.
9:01 PMDan O’Brien - What a memory.
9:01 PMMichael Swaim - He’s still quoting, continuously. It’s a genius way of avoiding blame.
9:01 PMDan O’Brien - And now Sarah. What a mammory.
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - Bosniaks?
9:02 PMDan O’Brien - Did they not comb Biden’s hair?
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - I thought they made the Apple computer?
9:02 PMDan O’Brien - They knew this was being filmed, right?
9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - His hairs are mavericks.
9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - They don’t fall in line.
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - His passion for diplomacy is ruffling his hair.
9:02 PMDan O’Brien - Dick Luger?
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - It’s to hide how square his skull is.
9:02 PMDan O’Brien - There’s a guy named Dick Luger?
9:02 PMDan O’Brien - I want to vote for that guy
9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Cock Tommy Gun?
9:03 PMRoss Wolinsky - Dan - scroll up.
9:03 PMDan O’Brien - No.
9:03 PMMichael Swaim - Penis Kalazhnikov?
9:03 PMMichael Swaim - That’s right. He changed his opinion. FUCK HIM.
9:04 PMDan O’Brien - Joe Sixpack feels the same about all issues as he did when he was eight and first formed opinions.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - I can never get over “waffling” being such a terrible thing. Is it better to stay the course ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHAT?
9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - I hate people who assess situations and change their minds based on new data.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - And who doesn’t love waffles?
9:04 PMDan O’Brien - I love waffles.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - SEE?
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - Vote Kerry.
9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - Vote Waffles.
9:04 PMDan O’Brien - Hey, Sarah Palin, it’s pretty clear that you’re curious about what it would be to have sex with me.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - If you love waffles.
9:04 PMDan O’Brien - Now, I could show you the facts and figures.
9:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - The terrorists hate waffles.
9:05 PMMichael Swaim - Whoa Dan, I thought you were cutting me in on this.
9:05 PMDan O’Brien - I can set you up with eyewitness(es).
9:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - They want to take our waffles away from us.
9:05 PMMichael Swaim - Am i getting ousted here?
9:05 PMDan O’Brien - Sarah Palin, have sex with me, and Swaim, and the chick with the boobs in that picture.
9:05 PMMichael Swaim - Fine with me, as long as I get a plate of waffles. Plenty of syrup.
9:05 PMDan O’Brien - And then I’ll make us all waffles.
9:05 PMMichael Swaim - Let’s just look up pictures of people we want to have sex with. Then it’ll be like what I usually do on the Internet on a Thursday night.
9:06 PMRoss Wolinsky - I just google image searched that Robie bank
9:06 PMRoss Wolinsky - remember that?
9:06 PMMichael Swaim - I…don’t know what that is.
9:06 PMDan O’Brien - Me neither.
9:06 PMMichael Swaim - But I LOVE IT.
9:06 PMDan O’Brien - Ross is losing my vote.
9:06 PMRoss Wolinsky - The little robot who eats your change.
9:06 PMDan O’Brien - He’s “elitist.”
9:06 PMDan O’Brien - John McCain knows how to win a war?
9:07 PMDan O’Brien - What war did McCain win?
9:07 PMMichael Swaim - When Biden walks away at the end, listen for the sound of change clining.
9:07 PMMichael Swaim - Vietnam.
9:07 PMDan O’Brien - Did he get captured? In a war we lost?
9:07 PMMichael Swaim - Oh, wait.
9:07 PMMichael Swaim - Um…
9:07 PMRoss Wolinsky -
9:07 PMMichael Swaim - The Franco-Prussion war.
9:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - That thing.
9:07 PMMichael Swaim - Wow! I’m voting for THAT!
9:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - Remember that?
9:07 PMDan O’Brien - Oh, my middle class friends used those.
9:07 PMMichael Swaim - He’s got money RIGHT THERE!
9:07 PMDan O’Brien - I used actual banks.
9:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - Treasury.
9:07 PMDan O’Brien - You can’t slip a million dollars in that little fucker.
9:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - He runs the Treasury.
9:08 PMMichael Swaim - It looks like a Mr. Mouth game got taken over by the Borg.
9:08 PMRoss Wolinsky - You can if it’s on one bill.
9:08 PMDan O’Brien - You know, I don’t care if everyone I talk to says it’s a beer for immigrants, I love Negra Modelo.
9:08 PMMichael Swaim - I think Bush has Bin Laden in a cell right now. Two days before the election, he’ll “find” him and we’ll all go apeshit.
9:08 PMDan O’Brien - To be honest, if McCain/Palin win, the terrorists will stop fucking with us.
9:09 PMMichael Swaim - Also, 9/11 was a conspiracy.
9:09 PMMichael Swaim - Explain, plz.
9:09 PMDan O’Brien - They’re attacking us in the first place because we have so much, we’re on top of the world, while they struggle. Four more years, we’ll fall to shit. Nobody wants to kick someone while they’re down.
9:09 PMRoss Wolinsky - MAVERICKS.
9:09 PMDan O’Brien - What are they gonna do, crush our economy? What would they be ruining, exactly?
9:10 PMDan O’Brien - OHH, she wants to have sex with me so bad.
9:10 PMMichael Swaim - But they hate our freedoms. The answer seems pretty clear: remove our freedoms. Give them nothing to hate. I think that’s really where Palin/McCain shine.
9:11 PMDan O’Brien - HAH
9:11 PMMichael Swaim - He could play a good Frankenstein’s monster.
9:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - after that it turns into Fish Hook Road.
9:11 PMMichael Swaim - It’s short, but at least he’s got it.
9:11 PMDan O’Brien - I think Biden would be a terrific rapper. He’s got a nice flow while he talks.
9:11 PMMichael Swaim - Say it ain’t so, Joe. JEEEEEEEEEESUS.
9:11 PMDan O’Brien - A real rhythm, the repetition does it for me.
9:11 PMMichael Swaim - Doge Gone it! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
9:11 PMDan O’Brien - She’s fucking adorable.
9:12 PMRoss Wolinsky - Folksy.
9:12 PMMichael Swaim - Her answers are at least sixty percent aphorisms.
9:12 PMMichael Swaim - stitched together with a thin film of Dan wanting to fuck her.
9:12 PMDan O’Brien - “Hi dad.”
9:12 PMMichael Swaim - She gave a shout out. Like a rapper.
9:12 PMDan O’Brien - “Hi brother!”
9:12 PMDan O’Brien - She DID
9:12 PMDan O’Brien - Now I’m torn.
9:12 PMDan O’Brien - Like Natalie Imbruglia
9:12 PMRoss Wolinsky - She accidentally watched an episode of In Living Color once.
9:13 PMMichael Swaim - Who, Natalie Imbruglia?
9:13 PMDan O’Brien - You know, in Jersey City, because of “No Child Left Behind,” they force teachers to pass students who aren’t qualified to pass. They force seniors to graduate even if they’re barely literate.
9:13 PMDan O’Brien - That’s a fact.
9:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Yeah - they watched it together. It was a weird night.
9:13 PMMichael Swaim - Yeah, but, I mean…Jersey City…
9:14 PMMichael Swaim - It’s kind of to be expected.
9:14 PMDan O’Brien - That happens, constantly.
9:14 PMMichael Swaim - I wasn’t aware they’d had a literate Senior yet. Good for them.
9:14 PMDan O’Brien - It’s more important that the percentage of students who graduate go up, as opposed to the actual quality of those students.
9:14 PMDan O’Brien - Oh, FINALLY, someone clever and brave enough to make fun of Jersey. Jersey’s had it too good for too long, and FINALLY someone makes fun of it.
9:14 PMDan O’Brien - Do…do you write for Last Call with Carson Daly?
9:15 PMDan O’Brien - I mean it. That’s how smart and edgy I think you are.
9:15 PMMichael Swaim - YOu’re damn right, you dumpster-livin’, New York-envyin’, orange tan motherfucker.
9:15 PMDan O’Brien - It is ON, you coke-sniffing, real-tan-having, traffic-loving, gay-marriage-tolerating asshole.
9:15 PMMichael Swaim - Really? Am I edgy enough for you to want to have sex with me? Because if not, you may be dangerously close to having no way to interact with me.
9:16 PMMichael Swaim - HEY! Traffic isn’t really so bad.
9:16 PMMichael Swaim - Once you get used to it.
9:16 PMRoss Wolinsky - I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I hate it.
9:16 PMDan O’Brien - No, but it is. You know, in other states, you can do more than one thing in a day.
9:16 PMMichael Swaim - Oh, I didn’t know she HAD executive experience.
9:17 PMDan O’Brien - She’s running for Vice President?
9:17 PMMichael Swaim - More than one thing a day is for dicks.
9:17 PMDan O’Brien - WHOA
9:17 PMDan O’Brien - Biden just called Cheney the most dangerous Vice President in history.
9:17 PMMichael Swaim - No, she’s running for President, but she has to wait eight months if she wins.
9:17 PMDan O’Brien - Biden CLEARLY wasn’t expecting me to watch this show tonight.
9:17 PMMichael Swaim - To be fair, he IS the only one that ever shot someone in the face.
9:17 PMMichael Swaim - Besides Agnew.
9:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - And uhhh… Jackson?
9:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - No wait - he was a President.
9:18 PMRoss Wolinsky - That’s what we need - Presidential duels.
9:18 PMMichael Swaim - I’m not sure McCain can lift his arms high enough.
9:18 PMRoss Wolinsky - How did duels ever go out of style? I bet Dick Luger is pissed.
9:18 PMRoss Wolinsky - He can lift his arms EXACTLY high enough, actually.
9:18 PMDan O’Brien - Aaron Burr, uh…Tyler? Tyler was a pretty bad VP.
9:18 PMDan O’Brien - Ford?
9:18 PMDan O’Brien - He kinda blew.
9:18 PMMichael Swaim - Phallus Pistol?
9:18 PMRoss Wolinsky - Bring back Tyler!
9:18 PMMichael Swaim - Hayes! Haaaaaaaayesssss!
9:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - Johnny Six-Shooter.
9:19 PMDan O’Brien - Chester A Arthur was a VP and he wasn’t even American.
9:19 PMMichael Swaim - We truly make history come alive.
9:19 PMDan O’Brien - Hayes wasn’t a VP you failure.
9:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - Rutherford.
9:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - I’d vote for anyone named Rutherford.
9:19 PMDan O’Brien - You’re alone in that.
9:19 PMMichael Swaim - Oh, I thought VP stood for “Various Persons”
9:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - WHY DO I WANT TO STAND UP AND CLAP RIGHT NOW?
9:20 PMMichael Swaim - BECAUSE YOU”RE WATCHING SPORTS INSTEAD OF THE DEBATE!
9:20 PMDan O’Brien - Biden says his excessive passion is a flaw.
9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky - OH YEAH. THESE SPORTS ARE AWESOME!
9:20 PMDan O’Brien - There’s probably a funny quip to be had there.
9:20 PMDan O’Brien - Let’s all consider this and smile.
9:20 PMMichael Swaim - My flaw is that sometimes I love TOO much.
9:20 PMMichael Swaim - like, you know, rape.
9:20 PMDan O’Brien - My flaw has been considered to be too much by most women.
9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky - I love too quickly. That could be a flaw.
9:20 PMRoss Wolinsky - Unless you have somewhere you need to go.
9:21 PMDan O’Brien - They’re like “Oh my GOD, that flaw is terrifying.”
9:21 PMMichael Swaim - Did he just choke up?
9:21 PMMichael Swaim - Was that a throat thing or tears? Because I always vote for tears.
9:21 PMDan O’Brien - Yeah, that was a real emotional moment.
9:21 PMRoss Wolinsky - He just forgot where he was, actually.
9:21 PMDan O’Brien - I have nothing clever to say.
9:21 PMRoss Wolinsky - Who do you think has more horrific nightmares on a nightly basis? McCain or Biden?
9:22 PMMichael Swaim - If you love America enough to cry, that’s all the qualification you need.
9:22 PMDan O’Brien - Maverick
9:22 PMMichael Swaim - Biden had some gnarly asthma. Kept him out of the military. Probably pretty nightmarish.
9:22 PMDan O’Brien - Don’t…DON’T bring Lieberman into this debate, Palin.
9:22 PMRoss Wolinsky - Sarah Palin’s tear ducts were surgically shut years ago.
9:23 PMMichael Swaim - BUt that was because she didn’t want to show weakness in front of Moose.
9:23 PMDan O’Brien - When the Democrats were in charge we didn’t have progress?
9:23 PMDan O’Brien - Didn’t we used to have a surplus?
9:23 PMRoss Wolinsky - Who’s Moose? Is that one of her kids?
9:23 PMMichael Swaim - You know who else was a Maverick? Mel Gibson. And he’s fucking insane.
9:23 PMDan O’Brien - Like…a big one?
9:23 PMMichael Swaim - Good movie though.
9:23 PMDan O’Brien - No, her kids are Bagel, Trat and Sauron.
9:23 PMDan O’Brien - I loved that movie.
9:23 PMMichael Swaim - I thought it was Odin, Brussels and Camembert.
9:23 PMDan O’Brien - You know it was a show, first.
9:24 PMMichael Swaim - Yeah, SURE it was DAN. *rolls eyes*
9:24 PMDan O’Brien - Pooter, Stank and Obermeyer.
9:24 PMMichael Swaim - Conklin, Calculon, and Wankle
9:24 PMDan O’Brien - Calculon.
9:24 PMMichael Swaim - I really think we can ride the rest of this debate out on funny names.
9:25 PMMichael Swaim - Yeah, you may have heard of him.
9:25 PMDan O’Brien - Calculon and Ackbar. You’re done.
9:25 PMDan O’Brien - I’m cutting you off.
9:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - Is it too late for me to say Bunting, Cattleprod and Slaw?
9:25 PMMichael Swaim - Oh references are no good now, olive Garden boy?
9:25 PMDan O’Brien - You’ve exceeded your nerd quota, and it’s time to quit.
9:25 PMMichael Swaim - Only if I can mention Whipple, Shank, and Samsung.
9:25 PMDan O’Brien - That’s fair.
9:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - Words are funny!
9:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - Check this out: Noodle.
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - Only ours. That’s why we’re better than everyone.
9:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - NOODLE!
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - HA!
9:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - What?!?!
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - Poodle.
9:26 PMDan O’Brien - You can’t tell, but she’s sliding off her underwear right now. For me.
9:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - POODLE LOL!
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - It’s an elaboration of yours.
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - I think you’ll like it.
9:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - She isn’t wearing any underwear.
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - Well, not anymore.
9:26 PMDan O’Brien - Not anymore.
9:26 PMDan O’Brien - Eat shit, Swaim.
9:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - Underwear is bourgeois.
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - Crankshaft, Spaulding and Gex.
9:27 PMDan O’Brien - Middle class.
9:27 PMDan O’Brien - She just wears lipstick.
9:27 PMMichael Swaim - Smeared all over, or just on the vagina lips?
9:27 PMDan O’Brien - Dripspat, Dooper and Strunt.
9:27 PMMichael Swaim - Like, does she draw underwear on every morning?
9:27 PMDan O’Brien - Just the lips.
9:27 PMDan O’Brien - What is she, a peasant?
9:27 PMMichael Swaim - Wowzers.
9:27 PMRoss Wolinsky - Bunker, Tallywacker and Tubes.
9:27 PMMichael Swaim - How progressive.
9:27 PMDan O’Brien - Punker, Pallywacker and Pubes.
9:28 PMMichael Swaim - Hey Dan: I’ve got a title for your inevitable failure to acheive erection with Palin.
9:28 PMDan O’Brien - “diverse family” again
9:28 PMMichael Swaim - Chode to Nowhere.
9:28 PMMichael Swaim - HAH!
9:28 PMDan O’Brien - Swaim laughs when no one else will.
9:28 PMMichael Swaim - Cause a road is like a bridge…
9:28 PMMichael Swaim - forget it. You’ve got to have some years of COllege under your belt to get it.
9:29 PMRoss Wolinsky - Is it even possible to GET a boner in Alaska?
9:29 PMMichael Swaim - What’s going on November 4th?
9:29 PMMichael Swaim - Is there a party?
9:29 PMMichael Swaim - Only when theys ee Russia.
9:29 PMRoss Wolinsky - You know - because it’s so cold?
9:29 PMMichael Swaim - Then they get boners…boners of political furor.
9:29 PMRoss Wolinsky - They all go to the Russian side for boning.
9:29 PMMichael Swaim - Her family is middle class?
9:29 PMDan O’Brien - She just attacked the Media.
9:29 PMMichael Swaim - But she’s rich?
9:30 PMDan O’Brien - Like I did a few weeks ago.
9:30 PMMichael Swaim - That musk be a weird family dynamic.
9:30 PMDan O’Brien - We’re destined.
9:30 PMMichael Swaim - must*
9:30 PMRoss Wolinsky - Are we the media?
9:30 PMDan O’Brien - Bitch, when have you EVER had to find for your freedom.
9:30 PMMichael Swaim - Yeah, sure we are.
9:30 PMDan O’Brien - We’re not the media.
9:30 PMDan O’Brien - Bullshit.
9:30 PMMichael Swaim - Speaking of which, ass balls.
9:30 PMMichael Swaim - Beat you again, dipshit.
9:30 PMDan O’Brien - Cock Sandwich.
9:30 PMMichael Swaim - I knew those night school typing classes would come in handy.
9:30 PMMichael Swaim - Cock sandwich.
9:31 PMMichael Swaim - Damn!
9:31 PMDan O’Brien - Wait, these two never met?
9:31 PMRoss Wolinsky - He’s pleased to meat her.
9:31 PMDan O’Brien - How does that happen?
9:31 PMMichael Swaim - Is he doing a Clinton voice?
9:31 PMMichael Swaim - See, when two people love each other very much…
9:31 PMDan O’Brien - In my fight club, one of our rules is that we don’t fight strangers. That’s rude and dangerous.
9:31 PMMichael Swaim - they get on the stick…
9:31 PMRoss Wolinsky - They meat each otehr.
9:31 PMDan O’Brien - I thought Vice Presidential debating was at least loosely based on fight club rules.
9:31 PMMichael Swaim - He GUARANTEES the BEST.
9:32 PMMichael Swaim - You can’t beat that.
9:32 PMRoss Wolinsky - Otehr is Norse for “other.”
9:32 PMDan O’Brien - He’s from Scranton.
9:32 PMMichael Swaim - That part’s not aired.
9:32 PMDan O’Brien - OOOH, Office is on tonight!
9:32 PMDan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:32 PMMichael Swaim - Did you hear him subtly call himself a champ?
9:32 PMRoss Wolinsky - That man has a coal-mining pick in his back pocket.
9:32 PMMichael Swaim - Also, he just paraphrased the premise of Batman Begins.
9:32 PMMichael Swaim - Which is a plus in my book.
9:32 PMDan O’Brien - I’m gonna cook up a steak and watch the Office and have my…what is it..eleventh Negra Modelo
9:33 PMDan O’Brien - Hoffstra! East Coast stand up!
9:33 PMMichael Swaim - I’m sure Palin will be right over.
9:33 PMRoss Wolinsky - My opinion: Michelle Obama won.
9:33 PMMichael Swaim - Clearly.
9:33 PMMichael Swaim - Palin’s husband looks like a chump.
9:33 PMDan O’Brien - Who’s that guy, with Sarah?
9:33 PMDan O’Brien - With MY Sarah?
9:33 PMMichael Swaim - Her husband. YOUR ENEMY.
9:33 PMDan O’Brien - He’s a snowmobiler.
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - Where’s Trig? I want to see Trig!
9:34 PMRoss Wolinsky - Also: How is it that this didn’t end with Sarah Palin in the fetal position in front of millions of Americans?
9:34 PMDan O’Brien - She thinks she won.
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - I told you, the Fight Club part is after
9:34 PMDan O’Brien - Honestly. She will never feel as good as she does right now.
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - Of course not, if she’s about to have sex with you.
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - ZING!
9:34 PMDan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is telling us what this election was about.
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - And I’m out.
9:35 PMDan O’Brien - Anderson Cooper is slower than Cracked.com
9:35 PMMichael Swaim - I hope everyone enjoyed this. I sure didn’t. Jack, I’ll expect my check delivered by parcel post in the morning.
9:35 PMMichael Swaim - Bertram will let you through the gate.
9:35 PMRoss Wolinsky - I’d like to pat us all on the back for not making any jokes about Sarah Palin’s umm… “developmentally challenged” child.
9:35 PMDan O’Brien - I missed several hours generally reserved for working out and boning so I could cover this stupid piece of shit.
9:35 PMRoss Wolinsky - We’re apparently slightly more mature than I thought.
9:35 PMMichael Swaim - They’re quietly threatening each other’s lives right now.
9:36 PMRoss Wolinsky - Now if you need me, I’m going to go make those retarded baby jokes I’ve been thinking about to my friends.
9:36 PMMichael Swaim - We spent so much time on her vagina, we just didn’t get around to it….sigh…next time.
9:36 PMMichael Swaim - ROss, I told you, we’re acquaintences.
9:36 PMRoss Wolinsky - It’s true!
9:36 PMDan O’Brien - Yeah, if I wasn’t so sure that we’d all be fired, I’d say something like “Join us next week for the Presidential Debates!”
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - What? There’s MORE?
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - Fuck this.
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - I needs me some Office.
9:37 PMDan O’Brien - I can’t wait!
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - Michael Swaim has logged off.
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - I just said that so you wouldn’t be so shocked when I logged off.
9:37 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did he just say that? Or actually do it?
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - Okay, bye.
9:37 PMRoss Wolinsky - We’re primed now.
9:37 PMRoss Wolinsky - Leave.
9:39 PMDan O’Brien - Alright, I’m out. Vote Dan O’Brien and the Reanimated Corpse of Ol’ Dirty Bastard (aka Dirt McGirt, aka Big Baby Jesus) in 08.
9:40 PMJack O’Brien - Alright guys looks like that’s it, thanks everyone who tuned in. Hopefully we’ll do it again. If you have thoughts about the format leave them in the comments (going to regret that I’m sure).
9:42 PMRoss Wolinsky - Unless you guys want me to live-blog syndicated columnist Mark Shields’s post-debate PBS coverage?
9:42 PMRoss Wolinsky -
9:42 PMRoss Wolinsky - I can do me, Swaim AND Dan.
9:43 PMRoss Wolinsky - Swaim: OMG his face looks like balls!
9:43 PMRoss Wolinsky - DOB: I want to have sex all the time!
9:43 PMRoss Wolinsky - Me: I’m out. Later ya’ll.
8:00 PMMichael Swaim - Rossy?
8:01 PMMichael Swaim - Danny? I think it’s just you and me Jack
8:01 PMMichael Swaim - We should make out.
8:01 PMMichael Swaim - *makes out with Jack*
8:01 PMDan O’Brien - *Makes out with self.*
8:01 PMDan O’Brien - Where the fuck is ross??
8:01 PMRoss Wolinsky - Sorry I’m late.
8:01 PMRoss Wolinsky - Traffic was hell.
8:01 PMMichael Swaim - MAKE BLOG GO NOW!
8:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - Do we have an official Cracked TV network picked out? Because I would also like to make sneering jabs at the commercials.
8:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight.
8:02 PMMichael Swaim - I’m on ABC.
8:02 PMMichael Swaim - Because I love the Jackson 5
8:02 PMDan O’Brien - I’m on CNN.
8:03 PMRoss Wolinsky - I wonder what channel Gladstone is watching?
8:03 PMDan O’Brien - He’s been asleep for hours.
8:03 PMMichael Swaim - Ooh, someone’s smarter than the rest of us. The network of According to Jim is good enough for us Regulars.
8:03 PMDan O’Brien - He’s very old, you see.
8:04 PMDan O’Brien - Are we live yet? Are we just…talking to each other?
8:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - Old like a fox.
8:04 PMMichael Swaim - If we are, then ew.
8:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - WHY ISNT THE GIRL TALKING YET?!?!
8:04 PMMichael Swaim - There’s ALREADY a complaint in the comments
8:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - I WANT THE GIRL ONE TO TALK
8:05 PMMichael Swaim - WHOA! Who the hell is that?! But yes, please, make that happen.
8:05 PMDan O’Brien - We’d like to. Who are you? Where’s Jack?
8:05 PMMichael Swaim - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JACK?!
8:10 PMRoss Wolinsky - You know what? I want to meet this Joe Sixpack character.
8:10 PMMichael Swaim - He’s hanging out at my place. He’s now Joe Fourpack.
8:10 PMDan O’Brien - “If I’m Vice President, I’m gonna stop corruption…Just seems like a no-brainer.”
8:10 PMMichael Swaim - And he’s pissed about the subprime mortgage crisis, I can telly ou that.
8:10 PMDan O’Brien - “And you know what? No more poor people. Am I missing something? No more poor people or crime.”
8:11 PMMichael Swaim - “Rainbows? Is that…yeah? Yeah!”
8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - That sounded pretty smart for a woman who didn’t know that Fannie & Freddy weren’t OWNED BY THE GOVERNMENT uhh… how long ago was that? Oh yeah… TWO WEEKS AGO.
8:11 PMDan O’Brien - I agree with Ross, I want to store my coins in Joe Biden’s eyes.
8:11 PMRoss Wolinsky - In these days of economic crisis, please, America: STORE YOUR MONEY IN JOE BIDEN’S TINY COIN SLOT EYES.
8:12 PMMichael Swaim - They show weakness by looking at the moderator instead of each other. When will they learn: we just want a staring competition.
8:12 PMMichael Swaim - I think you’re underestimating how unsavory the retrieval process would be.
8:12 PMDan O’Brien - Okay, so last week Barack said “McCain is right” over and over again. Today, Joe Biden is saying “Barack was right.” By transitive property, Joe Biden is doing more work for McCain in this debate than Palin.
8:12 PMDan O’Brien - Okay, I’ve started a new drinking game.
8:12 PMMichael Swaim - Darn Right X 2
8:12 PMDan O’Brien - Take a sip whenever I want to have sex with Sarah Palin.
8:13 PMDan O’Brien - Up! Side on the people.
8:13 PMRoss Wolinsky - Everytime Dan O’Brien wants to have sex with Sarah Palin, Joe Biden smiles.
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Oh wait I get it. Shit. You’re racist. That’s funny.
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Gladstone laughs when a dab gruel from the corner of his mouth.
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - I*
8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Poor bastard.
8:16 PMDan O’Brien - You know, this whole election has been about Barack, McCain, and Sarah. I don’t think anyone realizes that Biden has been sneaking around. Do you guys know anything about Biden? He is FUCKING INSANE.
8:17 PMMichael Swaim - I hear so much about the middle class, but as a billionare Blogger, I somehow can’t bring myself to care.
8:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - The middle class makes me SICK.
8:17 PMDan O’Brien - If he proposed some kind of weather-controlling device tonight, I don’t think I’d be surprised.
8:17 PMDan O’Brien - Biden’s just this totally quirky, strange, odd little man that no one’s listening to.
8:17 PMMichael Swaim - I’m typing this on a diamond.
8:17 PMMichael Swaim - That’s the level of wealth we’re talking about here.
8:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - YOU HAVE ,Timezone:-5.2 MILLION IN ASSETS. THAT IS NOT THE MIDDLE CLASS.
8:18 PMMichael Swaim - Like Kucinich.
8:18 PMDan O’Brien - Sarah’s talking to the Government.
8:18 PMMichael Swaim - That’s because she actually thinks it’s a sentient being.
8:18 PMDan O’Brien - Look at her swinging that head. She WANTS me to have sex with her.
8:18 PMMichael Swaim - She imagines a large friendly man that she can have conversations with about votes and such.
8:19 PMMichael Swaim - Bush must feel so abandoned right now.
8:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - Question: If someone hates the government so much, why do they want to be the President?
8:19 PMDan O’Brien - Are you guys picking up on Palin’s subtext? If you take every third word she says, there’s a hidden message.
8:19 PMMichael Swaim - This country needs a President with vocal poise.
8:20 PMMichael Swaim - They got 3 trillion dollars by taxing MY health care?!
8:20 PMMichael Swaim - I knew that vasectomy bill was high.
8:20 PMDan O’Brien - You know, with McCain, we get about an additional 396 back each year, as far as taxes go. With Obama, we get about 1,100. Let’s vote for Obama.
8:21 PMMichael Swaim - Did I meantion Michelle Obama looks like shit tonight?
8:21 PMRoss Wolinsky - You did, but your Klan hood muffled it.
8:21 PMDan O’Brien - That’s not Michelle Obama. That’s Joe Biden.
8:22 PMRoss Wolinsky - I thought that was John McCain. Damn - politics are complicated.
8:22 PMDan O’Brien - That was HILARIOUS.
8:22 PMMichael Swaim - When is a candidate going to have the balls to stand up AGAINST affordable health care?
8:22 PMDan O’Brien - Oh, I’m sorry I switched over to Hangin With mr Cooper again.
8:22 PMMichael Swaim - His eyebrows are perfectly level.
8:22 PMMichael Swaim - I could use him to align a shelving unit.
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - Speaking of eyebrows, I want to have sex with Sarah Palin. look at those fucking eyebrows.
8:23 PMRoss Wolinsky - Joe Sixpack thinks energy plans are BOOORRRRRIIIINNNNG.
8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Her flag pin’s got a pole and rope whipping in the wind. That’s gotta count for something.
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - She’s from Alaska?
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - This is the first I’ve heard of it.
8:23 PMMichael Swaim - Joe Sixpack lives on Main Street eating Apple Pie and abusing his 2.4 children.
8:23 PMDan O’Brien - Say, does she like hockey?
8:23 PMMichael Swaim - I thought she was from SNL.
8:24 PMRoss Wolinsky - Guess what? JOE SIXPACK DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING VOTE.
8:24 PMMichael Swaim - What?! Did you even WATCH the AMerican Idol finals?!
8:24 PMMichael Swaim - He votes ten times a night.
8:24 PMDan O’Brien - HA, if I take a shot whenever she says “Alaska” on top of the drinking I do whenever I want to have sex with her, that’s bad news.
8:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - Why CAN’T you text in your vote for Prez?
8:25 PMMichael Swaim - It depends if the way she says “Alaska” makes you want to have sex with her.
8:25 PMDan O’Brien - Hey if I suddenly stop commenting, somebody call 911. Just say “DOB.” They know where I live, and that I’m unconscious due to alcohol poisoning.
8:25 PMMichael Swaim - THat’s a double whammie right there.
8:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - Let’s get down to brass tacks: How much money are these candidates going to give me?
8:25 PMMichael Swaim - He just pulled out the Bob Dole fist wave.
8:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - Just tell me how much money I get for voting for you.
8:26 PMMichael Swaim - You have to counterbalance it against the cost of the text.
8:26 PMMichael Swaim - That jacket is made of quilts.
8:26 PMDan O’Brien - At CNN, there’s this chart for uncommitted voters in Ohio. It looks like it’s constantly changing. Are there people in Ohio who are constantly answering polls about who to vote for?
8:26 PMDan O’Brien - I passed through Ohio when I drove across country. They have an outside. Go outside, Ohioans. Stop taking polls.
8:27 PMMichael Swaim - You didn’t hear? THey just put brain probes into all of the people in Ohio. Seemed like a good idea to keep an eye on them.
8:27 PMRoss Wolinsky - I lived in Ohio once. That’s all they do there.
8:27 PMRoss Wolinsky - Constantly voting in polls.
8:27 PMRoss Wolinsky - Ever since the rubber factories closed.
8:27 PMMichael Swaim - They talk about bipartisanship so much I’m waiting for them to join hands and a unicorn to take the stage.
8:27 PMDan O’Brien - Is it a crisis or a toxic mess, Sarah. Typical flipflopping.
8:27 PMMichael Swaim - PLEEEEAAAASE!
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - Is he trying to make us READ now?
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - Enough with the graphs and charts, professor. Let’s get back to the down-home country wisdom.
8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - “Get on the stick?”
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - See, THAT’S what I’m talking about
8:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - Did he just say “Get on the stick”?
8:28 PMDan O’Brien - “Quote I’m paraphrasing?” Those are two different things.
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - He did. And he winked at Sarah Palin right at that instant.
8:28 PMMichael Swaim - It was subtle.
8:29 PMRoss Wolinsky - He’s good.
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - His eyes are already so squinty, it might have been my imagination.
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - If htey get caught fucking backstage after the debates, then you’ll know I was right.
8:29 PMDan O’Brien - Hey…Hey Sarah….
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - “I’m bipartisan, but your ticket sucks tits.”
8:29 PMDan O’Brien -
8:29 PMDan O’Brien - Whaddaya think of that, Sarah.
8:29 PMMichael Swaim - Is that your new avatar?
8:29 PMDan O’Brien - Is…is that something that interests you?
8:30 PMMichael Swaim - I’d be more inclined to talk to you.
8:30 PMDan O’Brien - Because I can get her Sarah. You, me and her.
