Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!!

According to a recent survey, 76% of Cracked readers believe that the Earth is about a hundred years old and was created by Superman, our nearest planetary neighbors are Vulcan and Endor, the Moon is in Uranus (get it?!), and Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes is better than the original (”because of the ’splosions and boobs”).

In order to rectify this shocking state of misinformation, I hereby inaugurate a new feature which will provide for both the edutainment and infocation of you, the readers, and prepare you for exciting careers in the scientific field (as janitors): Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! So let’s begin by examining three big sciencey stories in today’s news.

First up is the revelation that a previously unremarkable comet in our solar system has apparently OD’d on Comet Growth Hormone and is now bigger than the sun:

A comet that has delighted backyard astronomers in recent weeks after an unexpected eruption has now grown larger than the sun. … “It continues to expand and is now the largest single object in the solar system,” according to astronomers at the University of Hawaii.

It’s natural at this point to ask, “Should I be freaking the fuck out?” Well, you came to the right place, my friend, because I am the one person who will give you the answer straight up: Absolutely God damn right you should be freaking out. It’s bigger than the damn sun, for crying out loud! I would advise you to a) immediately begin giving away your most prized possessions—such as your complete unopened set of first-series Transformers cards and collection of bizarre Japanese porn—preferably to me, b) frantically try to carry out your most outrageous sexual fantasy, no matter how illegal, immoral, or unsanitary, and c) tell your mother you love her, even if you don’t really mean it because she never bought you those Crunchberries you wanted so very badly. As a matter of fact, tell her to stuff it.

Next up is a startling new model of the universe, which interestingly enough came from a surfing physicist and looks suspiciously like a Spirogram:

Lisi’s inspiration lies in the most elegant and intricate shape known to mathematics, called E8—a complex, eight-dimensional mathematical pattern with 248 points that, if written out in tiny print, would cover an area the size of Manhattan…. E8 encapsulates the symmetries of a geometric object that is 57-dimensional and is itself is 248-dimensional. Lisi says “I think our universe is this beautiful shape.”

… which he may have followed up with, “also, Dude, have you ever really thought about the word ‘elbow’? What an awesome word. Elbow. Ellllll-booooooow. Pass me those Chee-tos, brah.”

Finally, the tiny nation of Singapore, which is famous for its squeaky clean streets and fondness for public lashings, has announced it is banning a new Xbox game due to its depiction of interplanetary girl-on-girl lovin’:

“Mass Effect,” a futuristic space adventure, has been banned because of “lesbian intimacy,” deputy director of the Board of Film Censors said in a statement. … The human-alien duo are depicted kissing and caressing each other in a sex scene that a newspaper reported ends with the alien saying, “By the gods, that was incredible, commander.”

Someday, the paranoid despots of the world will realize that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and you can’t make a global science superpower without allowing a few alien lesbian sex scenes. The two will always go hand in hand, like peanut butter and jelly, or Communism and bad haircuts, or Derek Jeter and herpes.

That’s all for this installment of Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! Until next time, don’t forget that for an extra $20, a hooker will be happy to yell, “By the gods, that was incredible, commander!”—even for you.

Last 5 posts by Ian Cooper

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