So as I was looking for something to blog about today, I spotted a news story claiming that a film of Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex was recently sold at auction in New York to an anonymous buyer for 1.5 million dollars.

“That’s not about the Olympic torch you dummy,” I said, chastising myself for my lack of blogging focus. “How are you supposed to write about that, you retard?” (I really get down on myself sometime when I get writer’s block.) It was then that I remembered a bit of advice my journalism professor gave me back in University: “Don’t always write about the Olympic torch. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Wise words. And so it’s with his stern advice in my heart that I bring you this non-torch related story, about a blow job from history.

The first question this story raises: what kind of person spends 1.5 million dollars on a single piece of pornography? I would suggest that spending 1.5 million dollars on pornography over a lifetime is a pretty normal thing to do, but to do so all at once? What kind of person would do that? Like one of the profilers depicted in NBC’s semi-popular drama “Profiler,” I began to mentally assemble an image of what the likely subject would look like - a process complicated by the fact that I don’t live anywhere near New York and also by some pretty significant gaps in my police-work education. Consequently, the only millionaire pornography-enthusiast living in New York that I could come up with is Cracked editor Jack O’Brien.

I haven’t actually confronted Jack with my sleuth-work yet, because if I did so there’s a danger he’d find out I still work here, and prompt him to ask the question: “what are you still doing here?” - a question I don’t readily have an answer too. Technically speaking then, I don’t actually have proof that Cracked has a copy of said sex tape, and probably shouldn’t have titled this blog update “Cracked Purchases Marilyn Monroe Blow Job Tape.” Fortunately for me, “being sure” or “doing research” has never really been what this site is all about, a lesson I learned after that “Cracked Purchases George Wendt Hand Job Tape” fiasco from a few months back.

Anyways. Back in the real world, the anonymous purchaser of the film reportedly promised to not publish the tape, out of a respect for Marilyn Monroe’s privacy. However, he didn’t say he was going to destroy it, which suggest to me he is going to masturbate to it at least a little. Nevertheless, I’ll give him credit: not publishing the tape on the Internet is a pretty noble thing to do, and I applaud his effort. I purchased a similar tape once in an attempt to defend the honor of Tommy Lee, only it turned out I got there several months too late.

The most interesting part of this story stems from the gossip that the unidentified man receiving the very expensive hummer in the film may have in fact been world class cocksman and sometime-president John F. Kennedy. Even more interesting is the news that a copy of the film also ended up in the hands of the FBI, where J. Edgar Hoover devoted tremendous resources towards proving that the man in the video was indeed JFK. The link above mentions “a team of nine individuals analyzing the tape in a lab.” “Porn Analyst” sounds like it could be kind of a fun job, until you realize that it would probably involve hours upon hours of staring at grainy images of cock. A fine hobby, but lousy work.

___

Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz

• Nicolas Cage Investment Advice: Be In Movies, Buy Everything - November 17th, 2009
• 10 Job Hunting Strategies Guaranteed to Get You Arrested - November 10th, 2009
• Why We Should Be Terrified of the 2012 Apocalypse - November 3rd, 2009
• 11 Cracked Lifehacking Tips - October 27th, 2009
• 18 Hilarious Modes of Transport Science Gave Up On Too Soon - October 20th, 2009