• 8:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - (tap, tap) Is this thing on?
• 8:58 PM Jack O’Brien - Quick note if an entire sentence is in ALL CAPS, that’s a direct trancsript from the debate
• 8:58 PM Jack O’Brien - Or at least our best guess
• 8:58 PM Jack O’Brien - OK, live blog’s LIVE
• 8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Sorry I’m late. I was letting the audience stew for a while, to build anticipation. Like a rock star.
• 9:00 PM Dan O’Brien - Thanks for the tips, Jackawanna County.
• 9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’m eating a steak right now.
• 9:00 PM Michael Swaim - Except I have it on good authority that rock stars are usually just masturbating backstage, whereas I was standing a few feet from my computer writing that joke.
• 9:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - It will give me the quick energy I need to analyze political discourse.
• 9:01 PM Michael Swaim - THe political discourse our candidates are GUARANTEED to dish out. It CAN’T be boring; it’s around a TABLE this time.
• 9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - My Buddy, Joe, is at this debate. Look for a remarkably tall, Asian dude. He’ll probably be very well dressed, possibly sitting next to Rosario Dawson.
• 9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’d like to address something right up front: A comment from someone named “Blake”:
  
  “I dont know why you guys do this. Your unfunny, infantile and immature and this debate is not a laughing matter. Your insukts towards these presidential candidates are reprehensible and I honestly hope that you guys wise up and pay attention to these issues… or do I???”
• 9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Should we stop?
• 9:02 PM Michael Swaim - I swear, you’ve got to watch this thing online. They have all kinds of crazy dance music before the debate.
• 9:02 PM Michael Swaim - And pop up ads.
• 9:02 PM Michael Swaim - Also, fuck Blake. Moving on.
• 9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Yeah. Sorry guys, liveblog is canceled.
• 9:02 PM Ross Wolinsky - Thank Blake.
• 9:02 PM Michael Swaim - 9 minute segments? 2 minute rebuttals? This is already way over my head.
• 9:02 PM Dan O’Brien - Blake the Snake.
• 9:03 PM Dan O’Brien - EZ Blake Oven.
• 9:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dump The Body In The Blake.
• 9:03 PM Ross Wolinsky - Don’t go in the Blake. Fish piss in him.
• 9:03 PM Dan O’Brien - Blake the leaves before your father gets home.
• 9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Or he’ll blake your neck.
• 9:04 PM Michael Swaim - Obama: “Trouble in Wall Street? No, I did NOT know that. Huh. That’s…I’ll have to look into that. Fuck.”
• 9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan: We have to stop playing your wacky name game. There’s political stuff happening.
• 9:04 PM Ross Wolinsky - For starters, something is wrong with Nancy Reagan.
• 9:04 PM Michael Swaim - He’s already pulling the “pray for Nancy Reagan” card.
• 9:04 PM Michael Swaim - He must be in a tight spot
• 9:04 PM Hbn Gladstone - oh here we go
• 9:04 PM Hbn Gladstone - Hi
• 9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain was asked why his plan is better, and he’s not saying it.
• 9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Wow, i totally didn’t even notice you weren’t here. I wonder what that means.
• 9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - It goes without saying: Because he is older and whiter.
• 9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - “McCain why is your plan better than Obama’s?” “Say, did you hear about Nancy Reagan?”
• 9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - Speaking of older and whiter, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gladstone!
• 9:05 PM Michael Swaim - Of course it’ll collapse without a floor. That’s just basic carpentry fact.
• 9:05 PM Hbn Gladstone - BTW, i lied on the blog. I’m not just drinking expensive scotch tonight
• 9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - Unless Obama’s plan somehow put Nancy Reagan in the hospital.
• 9:06 PM Hbn Gladstone - I’m going to drink something cheaper: unicorn tears in a faberge egg goblet.
• 9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - Obama did NOT express worry about Nancy Reagan. I guess I’m voting McCain after all.
• 9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama didn’t explicitly express sadness over Nancy Reagan’s hospitalization.
• 9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - Hey!
• 9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - How long you been working up that gem, G Stone Raw?
• 9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - That actually makes me want to vote for Obama.
• 9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - I want a candidate that has the balls to ignore Nancy Reagan’s helpless cries.
• 9:07 PM Michael Swaim - I heard on This American Life that the rescue plan was bullshit. Ira Glass was all “nuts to that.”
• 9:07 PM Dan O’Brien - I heard that, too, the Podcast? That shit was awesome.
• 9:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - I heard on This American Life that life is full of unexpected beauty and wonderment.
• 9:07 PM Hbn Gladstone - Obama said “package”
• 9:07 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, I felt like a financial hotshot. I put on a powdered wig and everything.
• 9:08 PM Michael Swaim - Uh oh. Gladstone started drinking four hours ago.
• 9:08 PM Hbn Gladstone - OH HERE IT COMES!!!
• 9:08 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain’s got a noticeable advantage: With a table in front of him, his creepy “robot arms” don’t look as creepy.
• 9:08 PM Michael Swaim - The vomit? You drunk?
• 9:08 PM Hbn Gladstone - NO. The McCain smackdown
• 9:08 PM Jack O’Brien - The first question btw: I WILL ASK BOTH OF YOU: WHY IS YOUR (ECONOMIC BAILOUT) PLAN BETTER THAN HIS?
• 9:08 PM Hbn Gladstone - about JOE
• 9:08 PM Ross Wolinsky - John McCain has a weird kind of Terminator Mech Warrior kind of posture going there.
• 9:08 PM Hbn Gladstone - Thanks Jack
• 9:08 PM Jack O’Brien - Hopefully I can keep these updates this timely throughout the evening
• 9:08 PM Hbn Gladstone - Is that from the Dukakis debate
• 9:08 PM Michael Swaim - I appreciate that this guy runs the debate like a preschool. “Do you want to ask a question John? Raise your…oh, right.”
• 9:08 PM Hbn Gladstone - way to be speedy
• 9:09 PM Michael Swaim - Well at least he yelled it.
• 9:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - One of John McCain’s eyes just started glowing red.
• 9:09 PM Hbn Gladstone - Wait. Is Joe the Plumber a terrorist?
• 9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - Does Obama’s tax plan specifically forbid Joe the plumber from doing something?
• 9:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did you guys see that? His eye just glowed red.
• 9:09 PM Michael Swaim - “Joe the Plumber…GIVE ME BACK MY SON!”
• 9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - POW!
• 9:09 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain’s writing notes down with a sharpie marker. What a fucking baby.
• 9:10 PM Michael Swaim - Polite ripple of laughter: two points.
• 9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - “What’s a matter, you can’t see when you write in pen?”
• 9:10 PM Ross Wolinsky - John McCain was sent back from the future to save the economy. Unfortunately, they sent back a really, really old machine. Like a T-1912. It was a clerical error of some sort.
• 9:10 PM Hbn Gladstone - That’s not a black marker. It’s a tumor.
• 9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s actually from a future seventy years before our time
• 9:10 PM Michael Swaim - No way, man…sharpie is final. No revision. No going back. In some African tribes, the manhood rite involves drawing balls on your own forehead with a fresh sharpie.
• 9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, is Joe the Plumber an actual guy?
• 9:10 PM Hbn Gladstone - Is Joe’s last name really “the plumber”
• 9:10 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s Joe Sixpack’s cousin.
• 9:10 PM Hbn Gladstone - NO
• 9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s Le Pumbre, he’s French.
• 9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - And probably very offended.
• 9:11 PM Hbn Gladstone - It’s Joe D”plumber
• 9:11 PM Michael Swaim - This guy’s got the ear of everyone in power…he’s like his own shadow government!
• 9:11 PM Ross Wolinsky - Wait - Obama wants to take money away from PLUMBERS?!
• 9:11 PM Hbn Gladstone - I bet joe’s money has feces on it
• 9:11 PM Michael Swaim - On the plus side, our pipes will be snug and unclogged.
• 9:11 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t just see him, sitting in front of his TV, wearing a beret, eating cheese, “Saucle’ Bleu! It is ‘Le Plumbre!’ “
• 9:11 PM Hbn Gladstone - Democrats are declaring class warfare on plumbers?
• 9:11 PM Michael Swaim - STOP SAYING JOE THE PLUMBER!!! OUR NATION IS NOT A METAPHORICAL BLUE COLLAR WORKER!
• 9:12 PM Michael Swaim - Obama wants class warfare? I better got stock up on molten gold to drop on the peasants.
• 9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - These intellectual Muslim lefties with their tax raises and their fancy suits and even-handed temperaments… THEY WANT TO STEAL FROM PLUMBERS!
• 9:12 PM Hbn Gladstone - Joe the plumber makes over 250k.
• 9:12 PM Hbn Gladstone - DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND THAT???
• 9:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - Joe The Plumber doesn’t know how many houses he has.
• 9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - Look, the plumbers have been dragging down this nation long enough and, frankly, I think we’re all a little sick of their bullshit.
• 9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, why the hell would you increase taxes on Warren Buffet? It just hurts America…and my campaign financiers.
• 9:13 PM Hbn Gladstone - just because his last name is “the plumber” doesn’t mean he’s poor.
• 9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Eatin’ mushrooms, savin’ princesses…it’s all just so glamorous.
• 9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - Knew it was coming.
• 9:13 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know what’s weird? Right now there are 150 million Americans watching this thinking that McCain is winning. I wonder what that’s like?!
• 9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - I applaud us all for holding off on a Mario reference for so long.
• 9:13 PM Michael Swaim - I met a homeless man named Joe The Investment Banker.
• 9:14 PM Dan O’Brien - Hope Jack is writing up this absurdly long question.
• 9:14 PM Michael Swaim - That wasn’t a Mario reference; it was a reference to my friend Toph. One time he took a bunch of mushrooms and kidnapped a girl.
• 9:14 PM Hbn Gladstone - This question is just of fuck with Jack.
• 9:14 PM Michael Swaim - It was terrible.
• 9:14 PM Michael Swaim - McCain: “I’m sorry, what?”
• 9:14 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone, you know we’re supposed to get drunk THROUGHOUT the debate, right? Not BEFORE it?
• 9:15 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama says we’ve been living beyond our means, and we need to watch our spending.
• 9:15 PM Jack O’Brien - Question 2: AREN’T YOU BOTH IGNORING REALITY? WON’T SOME OF THE PROGRAMS YOU’RE PROPOSING HAVE TO BE TRIMMED…EVEN ELIMINATED? GIVE US SOME EXAMPLES OF WHAT YOU’RE PROPOSING.
• 9:15 PM Hbn Gladstone - I don’t get it Jack? Is that some sort of joke?
• 9:15 PM Michael Swaim - Watch ‘em dance!
• 9:15 PM Hbn Gladstone - Who’s dumb idea was it to write out the questions?
• 9:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know they’re still using two-ply in the Pentagon?
• 9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Net spending cut=”I’m going to cut stuff, but seriously…nothing you like. Like, shit factories. I’m not sure why we even still have them.”
• 9:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - Can you believe that shit?
• 9:16 PM Michael Swaim - Programs should work better. I’m collecting vague platitudes this debate.
• 9:16 PM Dan O’Brien - Can we cut spending on education? We TRIED pouring money into that sinking ship, and it’s clearly not working. Stupid people are everywhere. Let’s just cut our losses.
• 9:16 PM Michael Swaim - “You gotta spend money to make money!” Um, Barack…we have no money.
• 9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - “I’d just like to get back to talking to something else that has nothing to do with what we’re talking about.”
• 9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Is McCain not gonna say “My friends?” Not even once?
• 9:17 PM Michael Swaim - Profligate. He just cinched the librarian vote.
• 9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - “WE NEED NUCLEAR POWER” IS NOT A CUT!
• 9:17 PM Hbn Gladstone - We don’t have a drinking game
• 9:17 PM Dan O’Brien - You don’t need one.
• 9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - You don’t need one
• 9:17 PM Hbn Gladstone - Unless it’s drink every time Ross indicates how much he hates me
• 9:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - NOICE!
• 9:17 PM Michael Swaim - I’d say Joe the Plumber, but I’d fear making it to the end of the debate without going blind.
• 9:18 PM Hbn Gladstone - Mccain would get out a hatchet and then a scalpel??
• 9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - The rest of us drink when Gladstone accidentally reveals his alcohol problem.
• 9:18 PM Hbn Gladstone - What does that mean
• 9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - (drinking now)
• 9:18 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain wants to get a hatchet and THEN a scalpel. He’d be both a terrible doctor and a terrible carpenter.
• 9:18 PM Michael Swaim - Joe the Surgeon told him what to do.
• 9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - McCain the doctor would be amputating limbs left and right.
• 9:18 PM Hbn Gladstone - He’ll cut your head off and then remove your melonoma thereafter.
• 9:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - (drinking now)
• 9:19 PM Michael Swaim - I don’t think he could possibly choose more obscure programs to cut.
• 9:19 PM Hbn Gladstone - AGAIN WITH THE OVERHEAD PROJECTOR!!!!!
• 9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - Again with the projector thing.
• 9:19 PM Hbn Gladstone - And obama hates pork too. He’s a muslim. Oops.
• 9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Seriously, what the fuck is McCain’s problem with Planetariums?
• 9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - “If I am elected, I will make sure that planetariums and other educational centers receive ABSOLUTELY NO FUNDING WHATSOEVER.”
• 9:19 PM Michael Swaim - No one’s going to miss the “department of earmarking sugar cane overproduction to the phillipines.”
• 9:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - He hates space.
• 9:19 PM Hbn Gladstone - Wait, i forgot how stupid the internet was. Obama is not a muslim. He’s a Christian. Just like YOU America.
• 9:19 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s not a Muslim, he’s an Arab. Or a Klingon. They all kind of blend together, to me.
• 9:20 PM Hbn Gladstone - CAn we all agree that Bob Scheiffer is by far the best moderator so far?
• 9:20 PM Michael Swaim - He looks more like a vulcan.
• 9:20 PM Michael Swaim - Definitely.
• 9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Absolutely, Gladstone.
• 9:20 PM Hbn Gladstone - Oh!!! If you want to read a smarter, funnier guy blog, go here:
• 9:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s Bob Scheiffer? I thought it was Charlie Rose.
• 9:20 PM Michael Swaim - He’s actually extracting information. Miracles abound.
• 9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s a Maverick if I’ve ever seen one.
• 9:20 PM Dan O’Brien - Can we vote for Schieffer?
• 9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - I think my TV has Charlie Rose.
• 9:21 PM Michael Swaim - If you vote, nerd.
• 9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain’s got some giant fucking eyes.
• 9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - It’d be cooler if he had giant, fucking-eyes.
• 9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - They’ve seen horrible atrocities.
• 9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - Like his wife naked. ZING!
• 9:21 PM Dan O’Brien - “Work the balls.”
• 9:21 PM Michael Swaim - You heard it here kids: Don’t rock the boat, try not to vote. It’s not that catchy, but it’s going to catch on nevertheless.|
• 9:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - (just kidding, she’s a babe)
• 9:21 PM Hbn Gladstone - blog.indecision2008.com
• 9:22 PM Hbn Gladstone - Sorry, here is another live debate blog:
• 9:22 PM Michael Swaim - What the hell, Gladstone? You traitor.
• 9:22 PM Hbn Gladstone - THEY ARE ALSO LINKING US!!!
• 9:22 PM Ross Wolinsky - No, it’s cool - they quoted me.
• 9:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, okay.
• 9:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Is it me, or does Obama kind of look like a muppet?
• 9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama’s not popular with teachers or environmentalists.
• 9:23 PM Michael Swaim - I don’t care. As far as our readers know, the Internet is just one page, and I want to keep it that way.
• 9:23 PM Hbn Gladstone - It’s you, Ross. you look like Praire Dawn.
• 9:23 PM Dan O’Brien - Wow, did Fox News just get a laugh?
• 9:23 PM Michael Swaim - “I’m really wildly unpopular.”
• 9:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Do NOT bring up torture with John McCain.
• 9:23 PM Michael Swaim - From McCain, too.
• 9:24 PM Ross Wolinsky - Inside McCain’s head: “DIDDY MAO!”
• 9:24 PM Dan O’Brien - “Teachers, Environmentalists, at least one plumber, people who enjoy torture- They all hate me.”
• 9:24 PM Michael Swaim - It’s nice to know the people running for office also think it’s a sinkhole of fathomless bullshit.
• 9:24 PM Hbn Gladstone - McCain got his scars from Republicans??? That is news to me.
• 9:24 PM Hbn Gladstone - I thought the scars came from
• 9:24 PM Ross Wolinsky - Here’s a hard-hitting question that has not been addressed: What do each of these candidates smell like?
• 9:24 PM Hbn Gladstone - Vietnemese
• 9:25 PM Hbn Gladstone - Cancer
• 9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Hatchet scars or scalpel scars? Big difference.
• 9:25 PM Hbn Gladstone - and Ross.
• 9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - What do you call Palin? That’s a tumor that, once removed, will leaYve a nasty scar.
• 9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - And a trail of slime.
• 9:25 PM Michael Swaim - Hey, you boned her a week ago, if you’ll recall. At least by digital proxy.
• 9:25 PM Ross Wolinsky - I believe you’re thinking of Slimer, Dan.
• 9:25 PM Dan O’Brien - Oh, good, we’re talking about their Campaign Ads. How important for the future of this nation.
• 9:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Very similar, but Slimer’s latest child was not retarded.
• 9:26 PM Michael Swaim - Has there EVER been a campaign that didn’t turn nasty? I think FDR’s opponent called him a “doddering old fag.”
• 9:26 PM Dan O’Brien - How fucking important. I want a president who’s wise enough to make catchy commercials.
• 9:26 PM Jack O’Brien - BS: BOTH OF YOU PLEDGED TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD IN THIS CAMPAIGN YET IT HAS TURNED VERY NASTY…
• 9:26 PM Michael Swaim - McCain: “tough campaign…not quite as tough as my campaign in VIETNAM. COME ON!”
• 9:26 PM Hbn Gladstone - Segregation is the worst aspect in American history?
• 9:27 PM Hbn Gladstone - Does it top slavery?
• 9:27 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain: “This campaign might sound dirty to YOU, but that’s only because you haven’t spend time in a two foot by four foot cage in Vietnam. Talk about dirty. FUCKING TALK ABOUT DIRTY!”
• 9:27 PM Michael Swaim - If he had even one outburst like that, I think I’d have to question my severe liberal bias.
• 9:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - They should have a torture-off. I bet Obama could take more.
• 9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - Then they should have a cancer off.
• 9:28 PM Michael Swaim - Obama’s got the aloof, but slightly sarcastic smirk DOWN.
• 9:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - Yes - and torture each other with the ribbons.
• 9:28 PM Michael Swaim - It’s like he’s constantly saying “yeah, sure, whatevs.”
• 9:28 PM Dan O’Brien - Totally. He’s saying “I’m better than you,” but he’s not being elitist about it, somehow.
• 9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Wow, is the audience in complete darkness? The temptation to sleep/make out must be intolerable.
• 9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - He left his monocle at home.
• 9:29 PM Michael Swaim - Especially if Palin’s in the audience.
• 9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - He does have a tiny pair of gold binoculars in his pocket, though.
• 9:29 PM Hbn Gladstone - Obama speaks as slowly as I did in the first Hate By Numbers.
• 9:29 PM Dan O’Brien - She’s not. (Someone PLEASE take this bitch off my hands.)
• 9:29 PM Michael Swaim - And I did in the first S.W.A.I.M.
• 9:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - Here we go…
• 9:30 PM Michael Swaim - I think every visionary orator goes through it, Wayne.
• 9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone, do you have a Facebook profile I can befriend?
• 9:30 PM Hbn Gladstone - Oh, right Swaim. I’m so glad I finally know what you look like.
• 9:30 PM Dan O’Brien - And I did in my high school production of “The Man Who Came to Dinner”
• 9:30 PM Michael Swaim - Which is what we are, to be clear. Visionary. Geniuses.
• 9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - HE LIKES FOOTBALL?!?!?!
• 9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - McCain likes football!!!
• 9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Whoa… did he just go from football to stem cell research? He’s GOOD.
• 9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Quite a segue.
• 9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - To be fair, he’s senile. He has no idea.
• 9:31 PM Hbn Gladstone - Not only does McCAin support stem cell. He keeps a petri dish on his face.
• 9:31 PM Michael Swaim - To IMMIGRATION.
• 9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Wow.
• 9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s like stream of consciousness.
• 9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s basically doing beat poetry.
• 9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - This is Def Poetry Election.
• 9:31 PM Michael Swaim - All they ever do is talk shit about each other and then complain about the shit being talked. This is like running on a hamster wheel.
• 9:32 PM Michael Swaim - Which reminds me of foreign policy.
• 9:32 PM Michael Swaim - SEGUE!
• 9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama just called us cynical.
• 9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Typical political bullshit.
• 9:33 PM Michael Swaim - Sarcastic chuckling is like one of the cornerstones of a Presidential campaign.
• 9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - And then he said “Tit.”
• 9:33 PM Ross Wolinsky - do you guys see the “PWND!!!” sign over McCains head right now?
• 9:33 PM Hbn Gladstone - Obama just came off so cool.
• 9:33 PM Ross Wolinsky - That was awesome.
• 9:33 PM Ross Wolinsky - HE GANGSTA!
• 9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain says he’s proud of the people who comes to his rallies.
• 9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - It should be stated that his rally crowd just booed him last week.
• 9:34 PM Michael Swaim - “Follow up question: DO YOU pal around with terrorists?”
• 9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - “I find not-taking-my-bullshit to be quite an admirable quality.”
• 9:34 PM Michael Swaim - “DO YOU?!”
• 9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - “You guys are the real heroes.”
• 9:34 PM Hbn Gladstone - What Barack just say?
• 9:34 PM Dan O’Brien - “I didn’t say those statements…”
• 9:34 PM Michael Swaim - Wow, he spun Barack defending himself into an attack on war heroes.
• 9:35 PM Ross Wolinsky - Gladstone - go drink a big glass of water, take some aspirin and go to bed.
• 9:35 PM Michael Swaim - That’s like when I used to hit my brother in the arm and then get him sent to his room.
• 9:35 PM Michael Swaim - Gladstone–Fuck Ross. Drink a handle of gin, put on fingerless mittens, and hack at the keyboard wildly.
• 9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Do it for Blake.
• 9:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Blake would want it this way.
• 9:36 PM Michael Swaim - The Blakehouse.
• 9:36 PM Dan O’Brien - This is a new level. The question was about Campaign Ads, and McCain didn’t talk about that, (he talked about rallies). And OBAMA is addressing a NEW issue. He’s avoiding an issue that itself is an evasion of an issue.
• 9:36 PM Dan O’Brien - With Sandra Bullake?
• 9:36 PM Michael Swaim - The answer is usually four to five logical steps away from the question.
• 9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Allow me to demonstrate: “What is two plus two?” “Ducks have bills.”
• 9:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know what’s an excellent, filling breakfast? Blake and eggs.
• 9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Put a suit on that and send it out on the campaign trail.
• 9:37 PM Dan O’Brien - More excellent than Blakon?
• 9:37 PM Michael Swaim - Oops, Obama gave away his age. That’s never good. You want that Tiger Beat voting block.
• 9:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - Mike, you mean Gladstone’s Facebook friends?
• 9:38 PM Michael Swaim - I’m glad he’s explaining this clearly. It’s one of the most ridiculous things that’s been said in this whole campaign.
• 9:38 PM Michael Swaim - Everyone stop listening to our rambling and pay attention for a second.
• 9:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - BOOBS
• 9:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - (_y_)
• 9:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - 8======D
• 9:39 PM Michael Swaim - Or just trust me…the bottom line is Ayers and Acorn are as associated with Obama as I am right now by publicly typing the word “Obama.”
• 9:39 PM Hbn Gladstone - keep doing it until it’s funny Ross
• 9:39 PM Ross Wolinsky - Ayers? Acorn? More like 8=======D
• 9:39 PM Michael Swaim - We’ve only got an hour.
• 9:39 PM Dan O’Brien - Yo, this is so far my favorite debate. These guys do NOT like each other and they’re finally showing it.
• 9:40 PM Hbn Gladstone - Yes
• 9:40 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama’s gonna reach over and slam McCain’s head into the table.
• 9:40 PM Ross Wolinsky - HE GANGSTA!
• 9:40 PM Michael Swaim - I agree. If you’re going to accuse each other of terrorism and senility, do it in public. Fucking man up.
• 9:40 PM Dan O’Brien - Half of him is.
• 9:40 PM Ross Wolinsky - Oh man. This is going to be good.
• 9:40 PM Hbn Gladstone - Obama should just look in the camera and say “I’m up by 8 points. If elected, I’m gonna have Joe the Plumber bitch slapped.”
• 9:40 PM Michael Swaim - You can tell their hatred is boiling because they chuckle more and more.
• 9:40 PM Michael Swaim - Daddy always did that right before he hit us.
• 9:41 PM Michael Swaim - WHAT?
• 9:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Yeah, and McCain can’t even look at Obama. He keeps looking off to the corner, like “IF I see him, I’m just gonna smack him.”
• 9:41 PM Jack O’Brien - NEXT QUESTION: WHY IS YOUR RUNNING MATE BETTER THAN HIS RUNNING MATE (DIRECTED AT OBAMA)
• 9:41 PM Michael Swaim - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
• 9:41 PM Michael Swaim - McCain can’t look at Obama because he knows in about two minutes he’s going to have to defend Palin to millions of people.
• 9:41 PM Ross Wolinsky - This is going to be amazing.
• 9:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden, even after elected in Delaware, would go on the radio on Sundays and talk about football. He was a terrific guy.
• 9:41 PM Michael Swaim - He’s thinking “jesus, this is it. Don’t crack John, don’t giggle or cry.”
• 9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’m tingling.
• 9:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - HOw many times will McCain say Maverick when describing Palin?
• 9:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - Predict
• 9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - Maverick, anyone?
• 9:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - I say twice
• 9:42 PM Michael Swaim - 6.
• 9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - 4
• 9:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - Price Is Right rules?
• 9:42 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m gonna say he’ll say Hockey Mom more than he does Maverick, and I’m willing to put money on it.
• 9:42 PM Michael Swaim - Dan? I really want to see this through.
• 9:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - no way dan
• 9:42 PM Michael Swaim - No Ross. I was just thinking that. It’d fuck me.
• 9:42 PM Dan O’Brien - 3 for Maverick, 4 on Hockey Mom.
• 9:42 PM Michael Swaim - CLosest.
• 9:42 PM Jack O’Brien - (MCCAIN BEGINS)
• 9:43 PM Hbn Gladstone - 2 for maverick no hocky mom
• 9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Thanks Jack.
• 9:43 PM Michael Swaim - I’ll go ten bucks. I can pay you Saturday Dan.
• 9:43 PM Michael Swaim - Or collect.
• 9:43 PM Dan O’Brien - Sunday.
• 9:43 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, that.
• 9:43 PM Dan O’Brien - I’ve got some…things I gotta do to get that money.
• 9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Croneyism! I forgot about croneyism!
• 9:43 PM Michael Swaim - Maverick-y things?
• 9:43 PM Dan O’Brien - I shoulda put up cash on “reformer.”
• 9:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - Man… special needs families?
• 9:44 PM Ross Wolinsky - Why? Because she’s had a retarded baby for like 3 months?
• 9:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Because her daughter’s…very aware of autism.
• 9:44 PM Michael Swaim - I just relieved a gas pipeline of my own…heheh.
• 9:44 PM Hbn Gladstone - i win
• 9:44 PM Hbn Gladstone - no maverick no hockey mom
• 9:44 PM Hbn Gladstone - I get to drink
• 9:44 PM Dan O’Brien - Her husband is NOT a tough guy. He’s never even heard of the reverse cowgirl. In THIS day and age, can you believe that?
• 9:44 PM Michael Swaim - No outcome could have angered me more. Except anyone else winning.
• 9:45 PM Michael Swaim - Is that like a lady that drives cattle backwards?
• 9:45 PM Ross Wolinsky - Reverse Cowgirl is pretty wussy in 2008, Dan. 2008 is the year of the Upside-Down Reverse Brooklyn Bridge.
• 9:45 PM Michael Swaim - Like a circus thing?
• 9:45 PM Hbn Gladstone - OBAMA JUST KILLED MCCAIN
• 9:45 PM Dan O’Brien - In a way, yes.
• 9:45 PM Hbn Gladstone - a spending freeze will make it impossible to help special needs families. BOOYAH
• 9:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Jesus. Nothing will make you sound less like an old guy than saying “Cockamammy,” McCain.
• 9:46 PM Michael Swaim - He combined TWO points of information, and drew a conclusion. That’s above and beyond what the American people expect form their politicians.
• 9:46 PM Dan O’Brien - I can’t even spell that word, it’s so old.
• 9:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - You’re darn tootin!
• 9:46 PM Michael Swaim - I refuse to believe that there was any time in history when someone said the phrase “cool hand on the tiller” in natural conversation and wasn’t on a boat.
• 9:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - McCain is doing the Lindy Hop… in his mind.
• 9:46 PM Dan O’Brien - McCAin just corrected the moderator.
• 9:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - Get on the stick, Mike.
• 9:47 PM Hbn Gladstone - yeah, that was nuts
• 9:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - The big stick. You know - the one that I carry.
• 9:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - While I’m speaking softly.
• 9:47 PM Dan O’Brien - Okay, if they don’t answer with a number right now, I’m not voting.
• 9:47 PM Michael Swaim - I’m on it. That’s why I’m so angry.
• 9:47 PM Dan O’Brien - He asked for a number.
• 9:47 PM Dan O’Brien - “Give us a number—A NUMBER–” that’s what he said.
• 9:47 PM Michael Swaim - McCain likes to inhale.
• 9:47 PM Ross Wolinsky - Did he just almost say Nuclear Pants?
• 9:47 PM Michael Swaim - A lot.
• 9:47 PM Michael Swaim - Which isn’t something I’d think I could say about a human.
• 9:47 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s been talking for a full minute and hasn’t given a number.
• 9:48 PM Jack O’Brien - BS: WOULD EACH OF YOU GIVE US A SPECIFIC NUMBER OF HOW MUCH YOU BELIEVE WE CAN REDUCE OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL DURING YOUR FIRST TERM? (MCCAIN STARTS)
• 9:48 PM Michael Swaim - Does BS mean bullshit, or are those the moderator’s initials?
• 9:48 PM Ross Wolinsky - I think the first step is redefining “foreign.”
• 9:48 PM Dan O’Brien - Give a NUMBER. One fucking number. 2. 12. 37. These are all good numbers.
• 9:48 PM Michael Swaim - Either way it’s an accurate prediction.
• 9:48 PM Hbn Gladstone - I’ve switched from scotch to beer.
• 9:48 PM Michael Swaim - Numbers are campaign poison.
• 9:49 PM Michael Swaim - 8? KILLED the McKinley campaign.
• 9:49 PM Dan O’Brien - I’ve switched from involved to disgusted in politics.
• 9:49 PM Ross Wolinsky - Hopefully it’s O’Doul’s.
• 9:49 PM Hbn Gladstone - THE QUESTION IS HOW MUCH LESS IN THE FIRST TERM AND BOTH OF THEM ANSWERED IN 10 YEARS
• 9:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Leon Csolcocsk killed McKinley, Swaim.
• 9:49 PM Hbn Gladstone - Amstel Light
• 9:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Or however you spell that crazy immigrant radical’s last name.
• 9:49 PM Michael Swaim - Dan: +1 obscurity point.
• 9:49 PM Hbn Gladstone - I heard that Csolcocsk palled around with Obama.
• 9:49 PM Dan O’Brien - Pow!
• 9:50 PM Michael Swaim - 68 million. That’s a number.
• 9:50 PM Dan O’Brien - 192.
• 9:50 PM Dan O’Brien - See how easy this is?
• 9:50 PM Michael Swaim - 3-4 %, 25%
• 9:50 PM Dan O’Brien - I just pulled that number outta NOWHERE.
• 9:50 PM Ross Wolinsky - 2.
• 9:50 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck it Dan. I know we’ve just talked about it in passing, but let’s DO IT. Let’s RUN.
• 9:50 PM Dan O’Brien - Sorry, Ross.
• 9:50 PM Michael Swaim - We’ve got the numbers to back us up.
• 9:51 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, 2 is shit. Everyone knows that.
• 9:51 PM Dan O’Brien - The kind of forward-thinking numbers this nation craves.
• 9:51 PM Ross Wolinsky - I was in the bathroom. Leave me alone.
• 9:51 PM Hbn Gladstone - Swaim, your avatar sucks.
• 9:51 PM Dan O’Brien - South Korea’s got Seoul.
• 9:51 PM Michael Swaim - “I believe in free trade.” That vague platitude will look nice next to the others.
• 9:51 PM Michael Swaim - Only if you get her drunk, Gladstone.
• 9:51 PM Hbn Gladstone - who?
• 9:52 PM Hbn Gladstone - oh
• 9:52 PM Hbn Gladstone - tee hee
• 9:52 PM Michael Swaim - My avatar. She’s taken on a persona of her own, and I’m not going to stand in the way of that.
• 9:52 PM Michael Swaim - DRILL BABY DRILL!
• 9:52 PM Hbn Gladstone - Yeah, you English majors. you threw me when you personified your avatar.
• 9:52 PM Dan O’Brien - Who was it, chevrolet? Someone just came out with a car that runs on electricity. It goes 40 miles without needing gasoline. Let’s keep working on that.
• 9:52 PM Dan O’Brien - Let’s perfect that. And then fuck gasoline.
• 9:52 PM Michael Swaim - I think that happened in the early 80’s actually.
• 9:52 PM Ross Wolinsky - Nobody is talking about the drug war in this election.
• 9:53 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s about time.
• 9:53 PM Michael Swaim - We’ve admitted defeat.
• 9:53 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama’s wearing a red tie and McCain’s wearing a blue one. That’s a total mindfuck for someone like me who associates parties with colors.
• 9:54 PM Michael Swaim - A user who somehow posts in transparent gray letters under our posts just pointed out that McCain isn’t wearing a flag pin. I think that’s an important point.
• 9:54 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama wants to coddle those who want their rights, but I believe Benjamin Disraeli said that one must fight for their right.
• 9:54 PM Dan O’Brien - To party.
• 9:54 PM Hbn Gladstone - The automakers are getting hammered?
  I thought it was me?
• 9:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - Obama: WE NEED CARS THAT RUN ON COCAINE.
• 9:54 PM Michael Swaim - Marley just asked you to “Stand up” for your rights. A much better proposal, in my mind. Less physically taxing.
• 9:55 PM Michael Swaim - Auto makers are gettin’ hammered!
• 9:55 PM Michael Swaim - Get out of the way!
• 9:55 PM Dan O’Brien - No one is safe!
• 9:55 PM Michael Swaim - He’s promising me the car of the future. Oh, you seducer. Jetsons fooled me once, I won’t be fooled again.
• 9:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - Cocaine: It powers our night clubs and financial sector. Why not our cars?
• 9:56 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain: “Obama wants to raise taxes.” What was this question SUPPOSED to be about
• 9:56 PM Michael Swaim - A billion dollars? That sounds like nothing now.
• 9:56 PM Ross Wolinsky - I think it was about inventing a cocaine-powered car.
• 9:56 PM Michael Swaim - This campaign has put money all out of perspective for me.
• 9:56 PM Ross Wolinsky - But again, I’m not paying attention.
• 9:57 PM Michael Swaim - Anything less than ten trillion sounds like chump change.
• 9:57 PM Jack O’Brien - BS: GIVEN THE CURRENT ECONOMIC SITUATION WOULD EITHER OF YOU NOW FAVOR CONTROLLING COSTS
• 9:57 PM Dan O’Brien - I wiped my ass with a billion dollars this morning.
• 9:57 PM Michael Swaim - Which reminds me Jack, I want a rather large raise.
• 9:57 PM Jack O’Brien - AS OPPOSED TO EXPANDING HEALTH CARE COVERAGE?
• 9:57 PM Dan O’Brien - I wish Joe the Plumber were here.
• 9:57 PM Hbn Gladstone - Joe the Plumber is the name of the microbrewed beer i’m drinking
• 9:57 PM Michael Swaim - “Health Care is a no good bitch that’ll break your heart over and over again.” The latest country smash hit from Obama and Bigg.
• 9:57 PM Ross Wolinsky - He is. He’s moonlighting tonight as Gladstone’s couch.
• 9:58 PM Dan O’Brien - I don’t know what Obama’s talking about, my healthcare plan is off the fucking chain. I love it. I just got, like, six pairs of glasses and I don’t even need them.
• 9:58 PM Hbn Gladstone - Odds that McCain says Obama will FINE americans in his response.
• 9:58 PM Hbn Gladstone - ?
• 9:58 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s comfortable if you don’t mind your couch saying “Mis Dios” over and over and over again all night.
• 9:58 PM Michael Swaim - THAT’S where all the glasses went!
• 9:58 PM Michael Swaim - I wanted some of those.
• 9:58 PM Dan O’Brien - Psssh, I feed those glasses to my amazing dental plan.
• 9:59 PM Michael Swaim - Obama, like me, wants the cheapest price on drugs. I identify.|
• 9:59 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama, man, I know a guy, I can help you out.
• 9:59 PM Michael Swaim - Dental plan?
• 9:59 PM Michael Swaim - Lisa needs braces.
• 9:59 PM Dan O’Brien - Dental Plan?
• 9:59 PM Michael Swaim - Sorry, I literally couldn’t help myself. My fingers typed compulsively.
• 9:59 PM Michael Swaim - Lisa needs braces.
• 9:59 PM Michael Swaim - Stop! I’m stuck in a loop!
• 9:59 PM Ross Wolinsky - “Obesity in America is a problem”: Quoth the husband of a beer heiress.
• 9:59 PM Dan O’Brien - Yoink.
• 9:59 PM Dan O’Brien - Aha, oh this was fun.
• 10:00 PM Dan O’Brien - “My friend”
• 10:00 PM Dan O’Brien - Fucking finally.
• 10:00 PM Hbn Gladstone - I WIN
• 10:00 PM Hbn Gladstone - OBAMA WILL FINE you
• 10:00 PM Michael Swaim - Hey, beer doesn’t necessarily mean obesity. You’ve got to do it right.
• 10:00 PM Dan O’Brien - Congrats, Gladstone, you’re aware of the issues.
• 10:00 PM Ross Wolinsky - I guess I blew it then.
• 10:00 PM Michael Swaim - I’ll pay you Gladstone, next time I’m in Maine.
• 10:00 PM Dan O’Brien - We’re all SO IMPRESSED.
• 10:01 PM Michael Swaim - McCain demands numbers. He’s LIFTING DAN’S PLATFORM!
• 10:01 PM Hbn Gladstone - It’d be weird if Joe Sixpack and Joe Plumber turned out to be Joe Biden. McCain would really have egg on his face on that one! By the way, I’m only teasing Gladstone. Because i’m jealous of your HBN success.
• 10:01 PM Dan O’Brien - FUCK.
• 10:01 PM Michael Swaim - Dan, we’ve got to respond with a scathing political ad. Maybe imply he’s a zombie or something.
• 10:01 PM Michael Swaim - Good edit. Wouldn’t want people to lose any of the impact.
• 10:01 PM Dan O’Brien - “Imply?” We’ll just film him, wandering around feasting on brains. That footage probably already exists.
• 10:02 PM Dan O’Brien - DOB: Putting the “M” in “FUCK” for Years.
• 10:03 PM Michael Swaim -
  
• 10:03 PM Dan O’Brien - Susy from the comments says: “that dry-eyed pedophile smile is doing something to me.”
• 10:03 PM Michael Swaim - See? That’s how quickly we can turn these around. I’m telling you Dan, we’d be foolish NOT to run. Do you know what they keep in the White House? As much candy as you can eat.
• 10:04 PM Michael Swaim - Enough about my avatar!
• 10:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Bullshit, because I can eat SO much candy.
• 10:04 PM Dan O’Brien - However much candy you think I can eat- Double it.
• 10:04 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s how much I can eat.
• 10:04 PM Michael Swaim - McCain: “Joe, you’re rich.” I’ll bet Joe was watching the debate and spit his beer right out.
• 10:04 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m gonna get serious on everyone’s ass for a second.
• 10:04 PM Michael Swaim - He’s dancing around the living room, burning all his plumbing equipment…
• 10:05 PM Hbn Gladstone - Remember when we said that the last blog sucked because the debate sucked? What’s our excuse this time?
• 10:05 PM Michael Swaim - GO DAN! Go!
• 10:05 PM Michael Swaim - Your alcohol dependency.
• 10:05 PM Hbn Gladstone - Senator Government!
• 10:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s what I was gonna say.
• 10:05 PM Dan O’Brien - This was supposed to be the face-to-face debate where candidates would have to be honest, and address issues. But all they’re doing is saying “Obama says this.” “No I don’t.” “Bullshit.” We still don’t know who to trust. How could we?
• 10:06 PM Dan O’Brien - I want to dress up like Santa and kidnap a president. That’s how abandoned I feel.
• 10:06 PM Michael Swaim - We have impressions. That’s about it. And I hate to break it to you, but that’s all anyone’s ever had since about 1800.
• 10:06 PM Michael Swaim - Before that, there were only about twelve people who could vote, so they got pretty in-depth information.
• 10:06 PM Michael Swaim - But now, forget about it.
• 10:07 PM Michael Swaim - We’re living in a country governed by our emotional reactions to billions of dollars of lies.
• 10:07 PM Dan O’Brien - You know, I used to go around on election day with a group. We’d go door-to-door and remind people to vote. We weren’t affiliated with a party, we’d just go around and say “Don’t forget to vote! Here’s where you vote in your county.”
• 10:07 PM Michael Swaim - Quick, someone add a joke!
• 10:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - 8====D
• 10:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Freshman year of college, I met with a professor and spoke openly about the possibility of someday running for Senate. If he’d help me.
• 10:07 PM Dan O’Brien - Door-to-door, running for senate. That’s how much I used to care about politics.
• 10:07 PM Jack O’Brien - BS: COULD EITHER OF YOU EVER NOMINATE SOMEONE TO THE SUPREME COURT WHO DID NOT AGREE WITH YOU ON (ROE V. WADE)?
• 10:08 PM Dan O’Brien - It takes a lot to really kill my politics-boner. But this election did it.
• 10:08 PM Michael Swaim - DAN…THE NATION CRIES OUT FOR OUR LEADERSHIP. I’m not going to back down on this. And I’m not just saying that because I’m incredibly high.
• 10:08 PM Jack O’Brien - There’s that humor you were looking for Swaim: Roe v Wade!
• 10:08 PM Michael Swaim - Paying attention will do that to you.
• 10:08 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, that reminds me of a joke: so two fetuses get aborted…
• 10:08 PM Michael Swaim - And…take it away Ross!
• 10:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - The nurse is like “Do we or did we?!?!”
• 10:09 PM Ross Wolinsky - (drumroll)
• 10:09 PM Michael Swaim - noice, noice.
• 10:09 PM Michael Swaim - Ok, back to the depressing debate.
• 10:09 PM Dan O’Brien - I asked my dad about an abortion, and he said “Use a hanger.” and I said “Hanger, I barely KNOW HER! And got her PREGNANT!”
• 10:10 PM Hbn Gladstone - WAIT WAIT THIS IS INSANE. No joke. McCain just said he would not impose a litmus test, meaning that he would not make his decision on whether or not the judge supports Roe v. Wade. Instead, he would judge on qualification. BUT if you’re a judge who supports Roe v. Wade, then you’re not qualified. I’m sorry. I have no joke. BUT THAT IS AMAZING!
• 10:10 PM Hbn Gladstone - Did you catch that?
• 10:10 PM Michael Swaim - Are they implying that abortion should be dependent on a litmus test? Like, literally?
• 10:10 PM Dan O’Brien - That IS amazing. And CORN is A-MAIZE-ING!
• 10:11 PM Michael Swaim - And a joke in Spring is A-MAY-ZING!
• 10:11 PM Dan O’Brien - And Wesley Snipes in Major League was Willie A-MAYS-ING
• 10:11 PM Michael Swaim - Lilly Ledbedder, much like Joe The Plumber, is a ficticious character whose occupation is ledbedding.
• 10:12 PM Michael Swaim - Damn, I thought I finished it off. I tip the hat I’m not wearing to you, sir.
• 10:12 PM Dan O’Brien - More infants die of ledbed poisoning every year.
• 10:12 PM Ross Wolinsky - They rarely vote anyway.
• 10:12 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain doesn’t know how you vote.
• 10:13 PM Dan O’Brien - For his sake, let’s hope America doesn’t either.
• 10:13 PM Michael Swaim - McCain: “we have to show compassion to a woman facing this terrible choice. Also, life is not a choice!”
• 10:13 PM Dan O’Brien - (I don’t know why an absence of voting guarantees a McCain victory, but for the sake of this joke, it does.)
• 10:13 PM Michael Swaim - The extreme pro-abortion faction, right. As if there’s a group of voters rabidly pushing for massive, sweeping mandatory abortions.
• 10:14 PM Ross Wolinsky - Uhh.. actually that was sort of part of my platform, Swaim.
• 10:14 PM Hbn Gladstone - McCain took sighing lessons from Al Gore.
• 10:15 PM Dan O’Brien - If McCain had red hair, I’d say he was Doctor Robotnik.
• 10:15 PM Ross Wolinsky -
  
• 10:15 PM Hbn Gladstone - If i knew who that was, I’d laugh.
• 10:15 PM Michael Swaim - And I’d correct you and say he’s Dr. Eggman.
• 10:15 PM Ross Wolinsky - See that giant cemetery in the Southwest? That’s a gigantic baby grave.
• 10:16 PM Hbn Gladstone -
  
• 10:16 PM Michael Swaim - But Obama JUST SAID: “nobody’s pro-abortion.”
• 10:16 PM Hbn Gladstone - take that ross
• 10:16 PM Michael Swaim - So I’m forced to conclude that Ross is lying.
• 10:16 PM Jack O’Brien - MCCAIN: BLINKS A LOT AND HAS A MINOR MELTDOWN
• 10:16 PM Michael Swaim - In picture form.
• 10:16 PM Michael Swaim - Blinking a lot is a sign of child molestation. i saw it on Dateline.
• 10:16 PM Dan O’Brien - Melissa says “In November, John McCain will overwhelmingly carry kindergartners and plumbers named Joe.”
• 10:16 PM Michael Swaim - He’s got a kid under that table, I’m telling you.
• 10:16 PM Ross Wolinsky - Or malfunctioning tear ducts.
• 10:17 PM Dan O’Brien - Or, MALLARDfunctioning tear DUCKS.
• 10:17 PM Dan O’Brien - This debate is stupid.
• 10:17 PM Hbn Gladstone - This debate was ok.
• 10:17 PM Michael Swaim - I wasn’t aware that we spent the most per capita on education. That SUUUUCKS.
• 10:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - You’re stupid.
• 10:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - (__y__)
• 10:17 PM Jack O’Brien - BS: DO YOU FEEL THAT (THE MISERABLE STATE OF EDUCATION IN THE US)
• 10:17 PM Michael Swaim - I knew we were stupid, but I always thought it was because we didn’t pay for schools.
• 10:17 PM Dan O’Brien - You call those boobs?
• 10:17 PM Jack O’Brien - DOES AFFECT OUR NATIONAL SECURITY?
• 10:17 PM Michael Swaim - But it turns out we’re just…stupid.
• 10:18 PM Dan O’Brien -
  
• 10:18 PM Dan O’Brien - Ka-POW
• 10:18 PM Hbn Gladstone - Obama wants the most support for math and science? What about English majors? He just lost the drunken blogger vote.
• 10:18 PM Michael Swaim - Everything affects our national security, if it will get you “Fear votes.”
• 10:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan - (__y__) is the… other thing.
• 10:18 PM Dan O’Brien - One day I’m gonna meet that girl.
• 10:18 PM Michael Swaim - An “army of teachers” would definitely hurt our national security.
• 10:18 PM Dan O’Brien - And our education.
• 10:18 PM Michael Swaim - Unless they’re martial arts teachers.
• 10:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - It would also be the most boring horror movie ever.
• 10:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Shit, Obama just advocated putting away the video games.
• 10:19 PM Dan O’Brien - There goes the youth vote.
• 10:19 PM Michael Swaim - ANd yet you KNOW he’s rocking some Spore right after the debate ends.
• 10:19 PM Michael Swaim - I’ve seen his creatures, all hopeful on their green planet.
• 10:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - Does McCain do recreation?
• 10:20 PM Dan O’Brien - A friend of mine is a teacher. She says, thanks to the current education program, her principal forces her to pass students, even though they’ve clearly failed, just to boost her school’s graduation rate.
• 10:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - Probably “peanuckle,” whatever that is.
• 10:20 PM Dan O’Brien - This is a real problem, happening in real America.
• 10:20 PM Ross Wolinsky - And the punchline, Dan?
• 10:21 PM Hbn Gladstone - A friend of mine is a teacher too. She says Dan O’Brien keeps claiming to be her friend and staring at her in an uncomfortable manner.
• 10:21 PM Michael Swaim - Which is why the only way to address it is with metaphorical athropomorphization.
• 10:21 PM Dan O’Brien - Tell her I wouldn’t stare so much if she’d return my calls.
• 10:21 PM Dan O’Brien - I wrote her a poem….
• 10:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - It was riddled with typos.
• 10:21 PM Ross Wolinsky - Thanks, No Child Left Behind.
• 10:22 PM Michael Swaim - No Child Left Behind is Harrison Bergeron come to pass.
• 10:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama is advocating the firing of bad teachers.
• 10:22 PM Michael Swaim - Which was a great story, so I’m all for it.
• 10:23 PM Michael Swaim - Ross your computer is hommoraghing.
• 10:23 PM Dan O’Brien - I think “bad” is kind of risky. Because we had a European History teacher in my high school who knew dick-all about history, but she also would routinely have sex with students.
• 10:23 PM Ross Wolinsky - Our jokes are so funny my laptop can’t handle it.
• 10:23 PM Dan O’Brien - And that’s an important part of education.
• 10:24 PM Dan O’Brien - I wouldn’t want to take that away from the students.
• 10:24 PM Michael Swaim - No Child Left Behind.
• 10:24 PM Hbn Gladstone - i have no idea who joe plumber nascar six pack will say won this debate
• 10:24 PM Hbn Gladstone - none
• 10:24 PM Dan O’Brien - A pretty girl I know named Coleman says ”
  A Thank You Note

  Dear Senator Mccain,

  We are so grateful that you shared “Joe the Plumber” with us. Thank you for your generous gift.

  Gratefully yours,

  Saturday Night Live”

• 10:25 PM Hbn Gladstone - I will say that McCain came off snippy and angry
• 10:25 PM Michael Swaim - For serious. They’re getting a whole second (or third, or eighth) wind out of this election.
• 10:26 PM Michael Swaim - McCain’s turning on the water works WHILE mentioning Palin’s retarded child. The debate must be wrapping up.
• 10:26 PM Dan O’Brien - What would be wrong with taking this debate into overtime?
• 10:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Honestly?
• 10:26 PM Michael Swaim - I’m hungry.
• 10:26 PM Dan O’Brien - On Raw, they occasionally take the main event into overtime.
• 10:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - PBS has tote bags to hawk.
• 10:26 PM Dan O’Brien - Is Raw more important than the presidential election?
• 10:26 PM Michael Swaim - Raw? You’re comparing this to Raw? THAT’S why America sucks.
• 10:26 PM Hbn Gladstone - i’m going to make breakfast after this debate
• 10:26 PM Hbn Gladstone - eggs over easy
• 10:26 PM Hbn Gladstone - some toast
• 10:26 PM Ross Wolinsky - Maybe a Blake?
• 10:26 PM Michael Swaim - Some Sizzling Blake-on?
• 10:27 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s Shake and Blake. And I helped!
• 10:27 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m gonna go to the bar with my underage friends, (They have blake IDs.)
• 10:27 PM Hbn Gladstone - Did Bob Scheiffer just ask us to go to his org?
• 10:27 PM Dan O’Brien - “My friends.”
• 10:27 PM Michael Swaim - I’m going to use a hatchet, then a scalpel, to perform a Blakeotomy.
• 10:28 PM Dan O’Brien - There are other words that rhyme with Blake, but Swaim wins. I won’t presume to top that.
• 10:28 PM Michael Swaim - WARNING: ENTERING CLOSING STATEMENTS. FIRST EIGHT ROWS WILL BE SPRAYED WITH BULLSHIT.
• 10:28 PM Hbn Gladstone - A careful steward of your tax dollars with a cool hand on the tiller
• 10:28 PM Hbn Gladstone - and an angry tumor on his face.
• 10:28 PM Dan O’Brien - His tumor actually looks fairly tame, tonight.
• 10:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - If you need me, I’ll be nailing Jell-O to the wall.
• 10:29 PM Hbn Gladstone - who would have ever guessed you could make a drinking game out of “careful steward of your tax dollars.”
• 10:29 PM Ross Wolinsky - While being tormented by 6 years of torture-fueled nightmares.
• 10:29 PM Michael Swaim - The latest polls took the wind out of its sails. It used to be the talk of tumor town.
• 10:29 PM Dan O’Brien - I’ll be nailing Palin against the wall.
• 10:29 PM Michael Swaim - I do believe that was the first official ZING! of the night.
• 10:29 PM Michael Swaim - There’s a long line of McCains? We’re fucked.
• 10:30 PM Hbn Gladstone - I heard Obama snorted a long line of McCains in his youth
• 10:30 PM Hbn Gladstone - oh that was cocaine!
• 10:30 PM Dan O’Brien - In their closing remarks, both candidates have claimed they’ll bring “Change.” I feel like we all knew that change was coming when Bush didn’t run this year.
• 10:30 PM Hbn Gladstone - Gladstone has a lampshade on his head right now. And I wish i did too. Because i love him.
• 10:30 PM Michael Swaim - McCain goes emotional, Obama goes logical (well, for a politician…still heftily emotional). Interesting, if minor, difference.
• 10:30 PM Dan O’Brien - You know what’s the biggest news story today in my mind?
• 10:30 PM Dan O’Brien - Neil Hefty died.
• 10:31 PM Dan O’Brien - That motherfucker came up with the theme to the Batman TV Series
• 10:31 PM Michael Swaim - The day Swaim and O’Brien agreed to run this great nation?
• 10:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s sad.
• 10:31 PM Dan O’Brien - Isn’t it?
• 10:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - As long as Michael Hagerty is ok, that’s all I care about.
• 10:31 PM Michael Swaim - nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh BATMAN!
• 10:31 PM Michael Swaim - That one’s for you, Neil.
• 10:31 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s the one.
• 10:31 PM Hbn Gladstone - WHAT THE HELL DID MCCAIN JUST DO
• 10:31 PM Hbn Gladstone - DID YOU ALL SEE THAT
• 10:31 PM Michael Swaim - I just teared up.
• 10:31 PM Hbn Gladstone - THAT CRAZY ASS DANCE
• 10:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Everyone look for a tall, well-dressed ASian guy in the audience.
• 10:32 PM Ross Wolinsky -
  
• 10:32 PM Michael Swaim - He has to pee. He’s been sitting for like an hour.
• 10:32 PM Dan O’Brien - Michelle Obama’s ass looks incredible tonight.
• 10:32 PM Michael Swaim - He needs his prune drink and his fuzzy foot blanket.
• 10:32 PM Hbn Gladstone - I was going to say…
• 10:32 PM Michael Swaim - TOO LATE!
• 10:32 PM Ross Wolinsky - Aaaaaaaaand…. here comes Syndicated NYT columnist Mark Shields!
• 10:32 PM Michael Swaim - We joke at the speed of thought.
• 10:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Before the debate, CNN had a panel of 13 people, and now they have two guys.
• 10:33 PM Ross Wolinsky - Yeah - Palin’s last baby’s thought.
• 10:33 PM Michael Swaim - Michelle’s got fist-sized diamonds dangling from her necklace. That’s why the economy is collapsing.
• 10:33 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m too depressed to know why, but I’m upset about this.
• 10:33 PM Michael Swaim - Me too, but I think it’s because you’ve been relentlessly depressing me for forty minutes.
• 10:34 PM Michael Swaim - SO, yeah, good job there, jokester.
• 10:34 PM Ross Wolinsky - I can’t stop thinking about Gladstone’s raging alcoholism.
• 10:34 PM Dan O’Brien - CNN is now joking about plumbers. They’re a news organization. We’re a comedy website, but I don’t think it’s funny that this entire debate was about a fucking plumber.
• 10:34 PM Hbn Gladstone - For the record
• 10:34 PM Dan O’Brien - Everything’s backwards.
• 10:34 PM Hbn Gladstone - two scotches. and one beer.
• 10:35 PM Michael Swaim - .naD ,tuoba gniklat er’ouy tahw wonk t’nod I
• 10:35 PM Michael Swaim - Man, that was SO hard to do.
• 10:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Well that’s it for me.
• 10:36 PM Dan O’Brien - You should try READING it. I fell down.
• 10:36 PM Hbn Gladstone - so cnn says that mccain won the first 30 minutes then obama
• 10:36 PM Michael Swaim - So in the end, best moderator, better debate, worse outlook for the nation’s future.
• 10:36 PM Ross Wolinsky - Unless anyone got anything?
• 10:36 PM Hbn Gladstone - Best debate. Best moderator. Worst Ross.
• 10:36 PM Dan O’Brien - Fuck politics. Come Friday, I’m getting back to my roots. I hope you bastards are ready for a column about Hannah Montana, because that’s what I’m gonna talk about.
• 10:36 PM Michael Swaim - I’m ready to go draft up some campaign plans. Dan, once you’ve pulled yourself out of your stupor, I…and America…will be waiting.
• 10:37 PM Ross Wolinsky - You know what? No matter who wins I’ll see all of you in the bread line.
• 10:38 PM Ross Wolinsky - Dan - I’m with you. You know MoveOn.org? I’m gonna gonna start MoveOnFromMoveOn.org. It’s gonna be all about getting over politics and getting back to celebrity gossip. Did you guys hear that Madonna is getting a divorce? EXACTLY.
• 10:39 PM Dan O’Brien - It’s the BIGGEST IN CELEBRITY DIVORCE HISTORY. Poor Guy Ritchie
• 10:39 PM Dan O’Brien - He’s quite the cuckold.
• 10:40 PM Ross Wolinsky - Guilty confession: You know Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?
• 10:40 PM Ross Wolinsky - I didn’t understand A SINGLE WORD of it.
• 10:41 PM Jack O’Brien - OK, I’m going to hit the big red detonate button on this liveblog
• 10:41 PM Jack O’Brien - so get in any last second thoughts
• 10:42 PM Dan O’Brien - Typical Potato Jack Race behavior.
• 10:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - Dammit Jack
• 10:42 PM Jack O’Brien - Also, according to CNN this was BY FAR the best debate yet.
• 10:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - I was hoping Ross would make fun of my mom or something before this ended.
• 10:42 PM Michael Swaim - He marries Madonna, he makes Swept Away. They get divorced, he makes RocknRolla. She’s MOVIE POISON.
• 10:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - I thought you were an orphan.
• 10:43 PM Michael Swaim - And that was my final thought.
• 10:43 PM Michael Swaim - Be good to each other…and yourselves.
• 10:43 PM Hbn Gladstone - New HBN on Monday
• 10:43 PM Hbn Gladstone - Be There!
• 10:43 PM Hbn Gladstone - bye
• 10:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’m voting Guy Ritchie.
• 10:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s what I took away from this.
• 10:43 PM Ross Wolinsky - I’m also going to write in “Make a new law that makes it illegal to be Gladstone.”
• 10:44 PM Ross Wolinsky - I don’t know if that’s how it works, but it’s worth a shot.
• 10:44 PM Ross Wolinsky - Later guys!
• 10:44 PM Dan O’Brien - New Hannah-Montana-themed column Friday. Be there!
• 10:48 PM Jack O’Brien - Thanks guys, and thanks for everyone who showed up to watch with us. Recap going up in the AM on the front page. I contend that it will be funny.

Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien

• So You're Locked In a Room With Your Clone: Fight or F#@k? - November 20th, 2009
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