Cracked interviews the Jonas Brothers
It was only so long that we here at Cracked could keep ignoring the growing phenomena surrounding the Jonas Brothers. Even though our audience is primarily composed of 18-35 year old carpet installers, the Jonas Brothers have become so omnipresent over the past year or so that even our readership has become dimly aware of them. The problem is, most interviews with the brothers thus far have stayed within the predictable lines of teen magazine journalism, e.g, "What's your favorite color?"; "Do you like dancing?" and "Will you have sex with me?" Because Cracked readers already know who wants to have sex with them (no one) these interviews end up feeling pretty hollow. To correct that, and to try to get to know the brothers behind the Brothers, all the columnists got together and brainstormed up a hard hitting, iron-fisted, dragon punching, unbreakable combo of questions to ask the trio. What follows is a transcript of our interview.
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Bucholz: Hi, is this Gail? It's Chris from Cracked.
Gail, the Jonas Brothers publicist: Hi Chris. I'm here with the boys.
Bucholz: Great. I'm here with our whole team. We've been staring at a picture of Barbara Walters for like 20 minutes straight now, and are just super psyched up in interview mode. Raring to go.
Gail: That's great. Can we get started? We've got eight more of these to get through today.
Bucholz: Yes. Absolutely. OK. I'll kick things off here. Do you guys like movies?
Nick: Yeah. They're pretty good.
Joe: Heh, OK. Sure. I like movies.
Kevin: Yes.
Bucholz: -scribbling madly- Awesome, awesome stuff. Next question: Aren't parents lame?
Nick: Sometimes, sure. But you know, they're just looking out for us.
Bucholz: I agree with you 100 percent. Wow. This is going really well. OK. Dan, you had something?
DOB: This one's for Kevin. Will you have sex with me?
Gail: Don't answer that.
DOB: I'm sorry, that was impolite. Will any of you have sex with me?
Gail: Chris, before this interview, what did I specifically request you guys not to ask about?
Bucholz: Dan, you're not even gay.
DOB: -whispering- But they don't know that. I'm going undercover here jackass, to get the real dirt.
Bucholz: I'm sorry, Gail. This was totally my fault. I'll move the phone a little further away from him.
DOB: -shouting- What about just some heavy petting?
Bucholz: Did you hear that?
Gail: Yes we did.
Bucholz: And you're not going to answer it?
Gail: No we are not.
Bucholz: Because the prospect of having Dan getting nasty all over you, without having sex, wasn't on the list of things we weren't supposed to ask.
Gail: Can we move on?
Bucholz: I tried buddy. -makes note- OK. Let's try a different tack. What do you guys do in your spare time?
Nick: The usual stuff, you know. Play sports. Play video games. Talk to friends online.
Bucholz: That's amazing. Just like regular people. OK, Swaim, you got one?
Swaim: What's your favorite color... -long pause-
Joe: Blue.
Nick: Red.
Kevin: Yellow.
Swaim: ...of prostitute? Mine's gray.
Gail: Chris...
Bucholz: I'm sorry Gail. We're getting the paint in here tested for lead really soon, I promise. Let me rephrase that; what kind of girls do you guys like to date?
Joe: I like shy girls.
Nick: I like creative girls. Artistic ones. Musicians.
Kevin: I like ones that look like me.
Gail: -hissing-
Kevin: -sighs- I like sporty girls.
Bucholz: Fascinating. Gladstone, you had something?
Gladstone: Indeed. Would you guys like to see my collection of edged weapons?
Joe: -impossibly long pause- Like knives? No, not really.
Gladstone: Obviously knives! But lots else too. Swords, glaives, halbreds.
Nick: Yeah, uh, no thanks.
Kevin: Actually I kind of would like to see them.
Gladstone: Yeah? Great, just add me on Facebook and I'll put you on the list.
Bucholz: -hand over face- New guy? You down with what we're doing here?
Brockway: I can do this. Put me in coach.
Bucholz: Go ahead.
Brockway: Hi guys. I'm just a super, super fan.
Nick: Thanks!
Brockway: Anyways, what I wanted to say is: Your haircuts are appalling. Some have said -checks notes- that you look the love children of Bob Dylan and a low quality carpet. But I think it's more that your heads look like a cross between an armpit and a young David Bowie. So my question is, how many times have you had sex with Mick Jagger?
Kevin: Zero times.
Nick: None.
Joe: Nope, me neither.
Gail: Just the once.
Bucholz: OK, I've got some questions about curfews here, and it looks like Dan's really excited about something. Something in his pants I think. He's stopped speaking to me for some reason, but he's been taking miming classes lately, and it's... well, it's not really paying off for him. Anyways. How we doing for time here?
Gail: Well, I thought we had 10 more minutes here, but it turns out that we don't. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bucholz: That is not unexpected. Well, thank you Jonas Brothers for your time. Good luck with that little music thing, and seriously, don't let anyone pressure you into getting physical. But seriously, you could do a lot worse than Dan.
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Oooh, humour and bitchy tween girls in one place. Excellent.
ReplyBased on any comments I've read on Cracked, the only people that read Cracked are furries, JB fans, and people who have suffered no ill affects from meth despite using it for years.
ReplyNot mutally exclusive.
No, no and -- well, close enough.
Color of prostitute? That's a broad spectrum. It could mean anything, but the only correct answer is Periwinkle.
ReplyWhat!? No way man, zinnober ftw!
We could all do a lot worse than Dan... Sigh.
ReplyGod Jonas Brothers fans are so dumb...
ReplyWhat the Flip Mod Squad?
ReplyDoes it even talk abou David Spade?
That was indeed, Epic.
Replydavid spade is alive
Replythat was hilarious. my pants are indeed wet.
ReplyI love this interview so much.
ReplyDavid Spade must be rolling in his grave.
ReplyI think I would have to go with Bob Dylan and the carpet, myself; they lack even the looks of Bowie.
ReplyI;ll have sex with you too, DOB. I'm also straight, but unlike Tido have a vagina.
ReplyI read the article and then a large portion of the comments. I have to admit, though the article was entertaining (fake or not, who gives a shit?), the comments were by far the most entertaining portion. Crazy tween Jonas fans against the internet = comedy goldmine. My 13 year old sister doesn't even like these guys (though she likes Hannah Montana, but she also likes videogames where you can blow up EVERYTHING so she is forgiven). I don't have anything against the guys personally. I mean, if I met them, I wouldn't punch them in the face and say "YOU SUCK! HAHAH LOLZ" but I have a feeling we would not get along.
ReplyI'll have sex with ya DOB! Even if we are both straight; it'll be you and me all the way buddy!
ReplyHow is it possible that there are people who read Cracked and don't realize that half the shit where they interact with celebrities is completely made up? It's supposed to be satirical, an imaginary exchange meant to provide amusement.
ReplyAlso, I'd like to add that I'm ashamed of some of my sex for defending these talentless kids.
SO many people have never heard of Cracked or MAD that it's almost criminal. I read Cracked back when it was a magazine, before the Internet, and I realized it was SATIRE! Angry, drunken, sophomoric, SATIRE, people!
ReplyAlso, BIG clue that this was a Comedy Act: The publicist, "Gail," hisses when one of the Bros. doesn't give the appropriately complementary answer. And the fact that anybody could resist DOB. Pure Comedy.
Wow, nice way to get the beans spilled, but there aren't any bbeans stupid! I wish I could slap you right now! Just because they have the life you wish you had doesn't mean you get to sit there making fun of them! No wonder nobody has heard of you! You are sitting there asking them these questions, eating potato chips instead of getting off of your.... butt and trying to book a job where people will actually here of you. Don't be jealous that they are good looking, have money, and are stand-up guys that are polite, and sweet. When you are some jack *** that spends his whole day thinking of things to say about them. Get a life!
Replywonderful comment jon k, and yes maryclaire is an idiot, but a good example of the type of people who actually listen to the jonas brothers. in my school i hear girls constantly talking about the jonas brother's and Miley Cyrus, it's depressing to think that my generation 's music is going to represented by the likes of 'Hannah Montana' and the 'JoBro's', while my parents had the beatles, the rolling stones, and tons of other fantastic bands. even the stuff like duke ellington which my grandparents listened to is better than that. However, i digress, i didn't intend on commenting for this long and i'm being called to lunch.
ReplyGood day.
wow
Replyjust wow
maryclaire has shown us all how much of a complete tool she is
i hope she is ashamed
of course it wasnt a real interview
this is a comedy website.
for fun
so shut the fuck up and go eat some cock your stupid little whore