It was only so long that we here at Cracked could keep ignoring the growing phenomena surrounding the Jonas Brothers. Even though our audience is primarily composed of 18-35 year old carpet installers, the Jonas Brothers have become so omnipresent over the past year or so that even our readership has become dimly aware of them. The problem is, most interviews with the brothers thus far have stayed within the predictable lines of teen magazine journalism, e.g, “What’s your favorite color?”; “Do you like dancing?” and “Will you have sex with me?” Because Cracked readers already know who wants to have sex with them (no one) these interviews end up feeling pretty hollow. To correct that, and to try to get to know the brothers behind the Brothers, all the columnists got together and brainstormed up a hard hitting, iron-fisted, dragon punching, unbreakable combo of questions to ask the trio. What follows is a transcript of our interview.
___
Bucholz: Hi, is this Gail? It’s Chris from Cracked.
Gail, the Jonas Brothers publicist: Hi Chris. I’m here with the boys.
Bucholz: Great. I’m here with our whole team. We’ve been staring at a picture of Barbara Walters for like 20 minutes straight now, and are just super psyched up in interview mode. Raring to go.
Gail: That’s great. Can we get started? We’ve got eight more of these to get through today.
Bucholz: Yes. Absolutely. OK. I’ll kick things off here. Do you guys like movies?
Nick: Yeah. They’re pretty good.
Joe: Heh, OK. Sure. I like movies.
Kevin: Yes.
Bucholz: -scribbling madly- Awesome, awesome stuff. Next question: Aren’t parents lame?
Nick: Sometimes, sure. But you know, they’re just looking out for us.
Bucholz: I agree with you 100 percent. Wow. This is going really well. OK. Dan, you had something?
DOB: This one’s for Kevin. Will you have sex with me?
Gail: Don’t answer that.
DOB: I’m sorry, that was impolite. Will any of you have sex with me?
Gail: Chris, before this interview, what did I specifically request you guys not to ask about?
Bucholz: Dan, you’re not even gay.
DOB: -whispering- But they don’t know that. I’m going undercover here jackass, to get the real dirt.
Bucholz: I’m sorry, Gail. This was totally my fault. I’ll move the phone a little further away from him.
DOB: -shouting- What about just some heavy petting?
Bucholz: Did you hear that?
Gail: Yes we did.
Bucholz: And you’re not going to answer it?
Gail: No we are not.
Bucholz: Because the prospect of having Dan getting nasty all over you, without having sex, wasn’t on the list of things we weren’t supposed to ask.
Gail: Can we move on?
Bucholz: I tried buddy. -makes note- OK. Let’s try a different tack. What do you guys do in your spare time?
Nick: The usual stuff, you know. Play sports. Play video games. Talk to friends online.
Bucholz: That’s amazing. Just like regular people. OK, Swaim, you got one?
Swaim: What’s your favorite color… -long pause-
Joe: Blue.
Nick: Red.
Kevin: Yellow.
Swaim: …of prostitute? Mine’s gray.
Gail: Chris…
Bucholz: I’m sorry Gail. We’re getting the paint in here tested for lead really soon, I promise. Let me rephrase that; what kind of girls do you guys like to date?
Joe: I like shy girls.
Nick: I like creative girls. Artistic ones. Musicians.
Kevin: I like ones that look like me.
Gail: -hissing-
Kevin: -sighs- I like sporty girls.
Bucholz: Fascinating. Gladstone, you had something?
Gladstone: Indeed. Would you guys like to see my collection of edged weapons?
Joe: -impossibly long pause- Like knives? No, not really.
Gladstone: Obviously knives! But lots else too. Swords, glaives, halbreds.
Nick: Yeah, uh, no thanks.
Kevin: Actually I kind of would like to see them.
Gladstone: Yeah? Great, just add me on Facebook and I’ll put you on the list.
Bucholz: -hand over face- New guy? You down with what we’re doing here?
Brockway: I can do this. Put me in coach.
Bucholz: Go ahead.
Brockway: Hi guys. I’m just a super, super fan.
Nick: Thanks!
Brockway: Anyways, what I wanted to say is: Your haircuts are appalling. Some have said -checks notes- that you look the love children of Bob Dylan and a low quality carpet. But I think it’s more that your heads look like a cross between an armpit and a young David Bowie. So my question is, how many times have you had sex with Mick Jagger?
Kevin: Zero times.
Nick: None.
Joe: Nope, me neither.
Gail: Just the once.
Bucholz: OK, I’ve got some questions about curfews here, and it looks like Dan’s really excited about something. Something in his pants I think. He’s stopped speaking to me for some reason, but he’s been taking miming classes lately, and it’s… well, it’s not really paying off for him. Anyways. How we doing for time here?
Gail: Well, I thought we had 10 more minutes here, but it turns out that we don’t. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut you off.
Bucholz: That is not unexpected. Well, thank you Jonas Brothers for your time. Good luck with that little music thing, and seriously, don’t let anyone pressure you into getting physical. But seriously, you could do a lot worse than Dan.
__
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Jonas Brothers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 15th, 2009 at 10:30 am
david spade is alive
October 7th, 2009 at 4:08 am
that was hilarious. my pants are indeed wet.
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:56 am
I love this interview so much.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:23 am
David Spade must be rolling in his grave.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I think I would have to go with Bob Dylan and the carpet, myself; they lack even the looks of Bowie.
August 16th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
I;ll have sex with you too, DOB. I’m also straight, but unlike Tido have a vagina.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I read the article and then a large portion of the comments. I have to admit, though the article was entertaining (fake or not, who gives a shit?), the comments were by far the most entertaining portion. Crazy tween Jonas fans against the internet = comedy goldmine. My 13 year old sister doesn’t even like these guys (though she likes Hannah Montana, but she also likes videogames where you can blow up EVERYTHING so she is forgiven). I don’t have anything against the guys personally. I mean, if I met them, I wouldn’t punch them in the face and say “YOU SUCK! HAHAH LOLZ” but I have a feeling we would not get along.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:51 am
I’ll have sex with ya DOB! Even if we are both straight; it’ll be you and me all the way buddy!
July 21st, 2009 at 5:57 am
How is it possible that there are people who read Cracked and don’t realize that half the shit where they interact with celebrities is completely made up? It’s supposed to be satirical, an imaginary exchange meant to provide amusement.
Also, I’d like to add that I’m ashamed of some of my sex for defending these talentless kids.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:45 am
SO many people have never heard of Cracked or MAD that it’s almost criminal. I read Cracked back when it was a magazine, before the Internet, and I realized it was SATIRE! Angry, drunken, sophomoric, SATIRE, people!
Also, BIG clue that this was a Comedy Act: The publicist, “Gail,” hisses when one of the Bros. doesn’t give the appropriately complementary answer. And the fact that anybody could resist DOB. Pure Comedy.
July 1st, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Wow, nice way to get the beans spilled, but there aren’t any bbeans stupid! I wish I could slap you right now! Just because they have the life you wish you had doesn’t mean you get to sit there making fun of them! No wonder nobody has heard of you! You are sitting there asking them these questions, eating potato chips instead of getting off of your…. butt and trying to book a job where people will actually here of you. Don’t be jealous that they are good looking, have money, and are stand-up guys that are polite, and sweet. When you are some jack *** that spends his whole day thinking of things to say about them. Get a life!
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:40 am
wonderful comment jon k, and yes maryclaire is an idiot, but a good example of the type of people who actually listen to the jonas brothers. in my school i hear girls constantly talking about the jonas brother’s and Miley Cyrus, it’s depressing to think that my generation ’s music is going to represented by the likes of ‘Hannah Montana’ and the ‘JoBro’s’, while my parents had the beatles, the rolling stones, and tons of other fantastic bands. even the stuff like duke ellington which my grandparents listened to is better than that. However, i digress, i didn’t intend on commenting for this long and i’m being called to lunch.
Good day.
June 13th, 2009 at 7:48 am
wow
just wow
maryclaire has shown us all how much of a complete tool she is
i hope she is ashamed
of course it wasnt a real interview
this is a comedy website.
for fun
so shut the fuck up and go eat some cock your stupid little whore
May 24th, 2009 at 2:42 am
Anyone else hear dripping angry vagina coming from maryclaire? Christ
May 20th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
you know, I often come to Cracked.com expecting to find good, wholesome entertainment created by mature, unbiased individuals who have a commitment to doing their part for the community. I must say this article met my expectations with flying colors. The color that flew the most was gray.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:57 am
holy shit. i just read the entire comments section.
that’s about an hour of my life i will never get back… who cares? it was worth it just to say these following statements:
@maryclaire: eat a dick.
i want to marry Red Lobster May Be Satan.
also… dr chaos fuckin who?!
May 15th, 2009 at 6:16 am
This article isn’t real?
May 8th, 2009 at 12:11 am
As DrChaos says…….”And come on people, back me up here, if you didn’t know who the Jonas brothers were, leave a post saying” “Jonas fucking who”.
DoctorChaos has a point wayyyyyyyyyy down the page, “Jonas fu***g who?.
Be champions.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Jackass, I know Jackass, funny shit, who are the Jonas Bros ? Seriously, I don’t know em, and I know shit, maybe a good thing. BTW, did DOB at least cop a feel? I stopped reading the boring crap after that, come on guys, funnier crap, I said funnierrrrrrrr. Be champions.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I just can stop picture the jonas in my mind when mickey kicked the hell of one of them. A wish that in some way came true, just like when buffy died in the grudge 2.
May 6th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
This article was like hot velveeta on my pants in the morning. Hot and Gooey in all the right places. ^_-
May 6th, 2009 at 12:45 am
I guess Cracked doesn’t get many trolls. Every article on the Jonas Brothers seems to attract more trolls than stories with high concentrations of billy goats and bridges that need crossing.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Oh ho ho hooo wait………you’re just a troll huh!
Right, guys?!
Right?
May 5th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Oh, maryclaire. Tween angst at its finest.
April 29th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
hey maryclaire: fuck off. they didnt look anything up, they pulled it out of their asses. Because their asses are hilarious and sexy. Especially Swaim.
April 28th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I’m not actually reading the comments, but I read the comments’ comments… are people really upset about this interview? Jeez. First: it was hilarious. Second: despising the Jonas Brother not only is not a crime but is mandatory for anyone over 12. I’m sure they kind of expect grown ups or anyone who knows sex and therefore likes it to laugh about them.
April 26th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I like gray too, mayby a bit more of a green-gray tone:)
Anyways, you guys are gods!
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:37 am
Wow, for some reason I got sucked into reading this entire comments page (of which I never usually participate) and I’m just amazed on so many levels. Amazed at the effective trolling. Amazed at the idiocy of JB fans who don’t realize this article was a faked joke. Amazed at how much people HATE the JB.
I’ve got a VERY wide selection of musical taste (over 200GB of MP3s) and I can honestly say, I kinda like them. I wouldn’t buy them or download them for myself, but I have downloaded them for my wife and daughter, and I don’t mind listening to it when they put it on. The music isn’t half bad if you can just ignore all the Disney hype that surrounds them, and pretend not to know that they are targeted to teenage girls. Personally, I’m just fed up with Disney trying to whore out EVERY actor they employ as a singer too. It’s like they have to give every one of them at least 2 songs and see if the sheeple will eat it or not. But there’s nothing you can do to stop the Juggernaut. So suck it up and deal with it….just try to enjoy the music.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
maryclaire sounds just like my naive ex-girlfriend…..god, I dated someone who talks like this?!
April 14th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
The Jonas Brothers make me HARD
April 14th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I came
April 9th, 2009 at 11:31 am
this is hilarious but the drama in the the comments kept me here much longer.
people so adamantly swear their hatred or loyalty to the jonas brothers its borderline annoying.
of course there is that part of me that wishes we were all in a giant stadium so everyone could duke it out. XD
fisticuffs all the way!
April 9th, 2009 at 8:26 am
THAT was hot.
April 8th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
To all the retards complaining about this interview:
Let me see your “hilarious” contributions to the world. I don’t see your name on the top of any comedy websites. You are all dumb and are filled with camel shit, which everyone knows is made out of the brains of autistic children
April 8th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Whats your favorite colour… of prostitute?
Priceless.
Very well done.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
“Gail: Just the once.”
hahahahaaaa
April 7th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Thanks for writin this. I’m still in highschool and i cant walk down the hall w/o hearing about these talentless idiots. Now ill have something to laugh about tomorrow. And BTW marieclaire, quit stalking them and get your own life.
April 7th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Anon disapproves more of newfags like you. You are the cancer that is killing /b/ Anon. Use memes in context for Raptor Jesus’s sake. Lurk moar.
April 7th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
seriously….how can you be serious about a cracked article…ITS A JOKE….if you get that mad about someone making fun of your favorite band your not just a fan your obsessed and need help…
April 7th, 2009 at 9:29 am
To all those who love jonas bro’s… Anon disaproves
to cracked.com… DO A BARREL ROLL
April 7th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I approve.
Because its all true.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Freaking hilarious! I was laughing all the way through. I figured it was fake after the favorite color question…
This was extremely well done.
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Hey, everyone who isn’t maryclaire. Take a guess at who I’m doing an impression of.
“Instead of writing comedy for the joy of thousands you should try doing something meaningful, like me. I devote my life to knowing crappy things about a crappy music group that if I knew about someone who weren’t famous would be considered borderline stalking”
You guys give up? I’m maryclaire
By the way, mary, if you come to the realization that this site isn’t for you and you return to say that then what are you thinking?
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
hahah that whole shpeel was pathetic i like how u first made fun of him researching the facts then saying he got them wrong ( i guess he didnt research them) then u listed like what they actually are which was hilarious but also pathetic and btw the jonas brothers shouldnt be considered music….or brothers
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
umm sorry i didn’t mean anything bad i was just kinda stating the truth. but obviously, this isn’t the website for me. So.. yeah bye.
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:32 am
I am loving the comments from people who have obviously stumbled across the article after doing a search for Jonas brothers and have decided to defend their honour. On a cracked comments section. Brooke and Maryclaire are my particular favorites, although the jury’s still out on their authenticity.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:53 am
MMMBOP Indeed!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I almost wasn’t going to say something but I think it’s important for you to know that I hate you maryclaire. I’m 100% serious, I would probably stab you if I saw you in person.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:06 pm
holy shit,
maryclaire,
i wouldn’t share that info with anyone else… oh wait… you posted it on the largest networking tool in the world. nevermind.
April 2nd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Okay, I tottally thought this was a funny article but all those comments down there border on the ridiculose…whether thats good or not remains to be seen because my mind was tottally blown apart by Dr. Chaos’s “douchbaggery” as it has been awsomely called.
Back on topic though, To all the writers of Cracked you are all awsome and should never change…you rock and (sadly?) reading your articles has become the highlight of my day . Yes, it really is sad I know but hey, life gave what it gave and it gave me you so I took it. Love guys! Keep on!
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I love ripple
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Maryclaire,
with all due respect go eat a bowl of dicks.
April 2nd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Why the fuck are fans of the Jonas Brothers reading Cracked? I seriously hope there was some irony there and I missed it.
April 2nd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
haha jonas brother love the cackkkkk!
April 2nd, 2009 at 11:07 am
uhh, wow.
immature much?
how long did it take you to write this?
first, i mean you had to look up they’re favorite colors
whichhhh, you got wrong.
sorryy, bud.
then you had to think of a name for who their publicist is,
and it’s not gail.
you made up what kind of girls they like. wrong. epic fail.
oh and for the record, nick wouldn’t say that about his parents.
anyways,
that was pretty pointless and it was a huge waste of my time. i mean like really?
is that what you guys do?
pretttyyyy odd. just saying.
oh and if you haven’t already noticed,
i’ma huge jonas fan.
posters, every song, one concert,
another this summer, movie, team jonas member,
ffe member, you name it. leave them alone.
and get your facts straight next time you read this.
cause i’m pretty sure there aren’t over 800,000
18-35 year old carpenters that would buy
tickets for the jonas brothers’ upcoming world tour.
yeah i went there.
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
hell YES they could do a lot worse than dob!!!
i sincerely hope the people that commented saying ’stop wasting the jo bro’s time’ were joking.
please, god say you were joking…
April 2nd, 2009 at 3:52 am
even though i’m not a fan of them, i must say this interview was pretty immature and a waste of time.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:07 pm
*Sob* Just leave the Jonas Brothers alooooone! *Sob*
Man I just love the way people write articles about how Cracked articles suck. And then they tell you how to do your job. Well as far as I know anyone can write for Crack. So shut up and put your money where your mouth is.
It is a real talent and a skill to come up with crap like this. Good Job Chris… I mean crap in the good sense of the word. That is possible right? You know what I mean.
April 1st, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I have no idea who the Jonas brothers are, but this article was still hilarious.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Brooke…are you serious right now?
April 1st, 2009 at 9:04 pm
. . . . . brooke is kidding, right? Tell me she’s kidding. Please.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
i think it was rude of you to waste their time.
please, get a life and don’t ask stupid questions.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
wow; if you think you know them within that 5 mintue interview than you’re wrong
i love JB <3 and have respect for them
April 1st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Very funny. It had me going pretty much all the way up until Kevin said he liked to date people who looked like him and was forced to change his answer. I was even all trying to figure out who this Gail was (their publicist does a crap CRAP job of controlling their press).
Anyway, Jonas Brothers are great, this parody is very funny, and all of you down there need to get over yourselves, holy hell.
BTW. Their music is only “appalling” if you are some kinda 11 year old boy (at least at heart) who thinks the only good music is death metal,”Zeppelllliiiinn” or whatever. Come on, get a context of musical history - they sound a lot like an updated version of some of the best old fashioned upbeat boy-group pop garage type rock from the 50s/60s/70s. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
OK then, off to get over MYself.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:47 pm
yeah i dont get it..
please someone explain!!!
is it really them??
April 1st, 2009 at 10:56 am
Oh yea, and I’m a Jonas Brothers fan and I loved this!
So to the fans who are cursing illiterately at the writers of this: please shut up, you are an embarrassment to nature.
And to the people cursing out the Jonas Brothers: Why must hate? There are worse bands, there are worse people, why don’t you put all of your furious energy into supporting something you like? Cause you can’t get much lower than a hater.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:48 am
Ahahahahaha! This is great, pure gold! At first I thought this was an actually interview, and when I read your question to Kevin, I’m pretty sure I spit out a bit of what I was eating.
April 1st, 2009 at 10:17 am
I heard the chaos and saw those really, odd-looking children and figured I might as well see if they can sing.
They can’t.
Am I imagining things or isn’t there another band called the Jonas Brothers - adults - who sing soul/R&B very well?
April 1st, 2009 at 7:32 am
Whoa, this comment section is more retarded than The Wicker Man.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:26 am
And while I’m at it, Don’t forget the aliens.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:22 am
One thing can be said for sure is that we all allow ourselves to be controlled by the law of attraction rather than controlling it. See, we feed negative energy to things like the Jonas brothers rather than focusing on something we do like so their presence just grows stronger. For example, remember how insanely popular the Spice Girls were? We all hated on them and they just got more famous. Then Britney Spears came along and we focused on her. Notice how the Spice Girls abruptly disappeared? Let’s apply this to White Ninja or better yet Subnormality.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:19 am
@Paola:
Of course Disney is telling people what band to like. That’s their job. They make money every time somebody buys a Jonas CD, every time somebody buys a Jonas t shirt, every time somebody sees them live. So they would have to be pretty stupid not to tell you to like them, and if they were stupid the company wouldn’t have lasted this long.
And I’m intrigued that you were a Jonas fan WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY before Disney. You listened to Nick Jonas’ charity single in ‘02? Because remember, their only album ever released was released less than one year before their first album under Disney. Yes, Hollywood Records belongs to Disney. So…um…were you a fan back when they were underage male strippers in Wyckoff, New Jersey? Because if so you have worse problems than your taste in music.
Oh snap. Look who just got handed some internet smackdown wisdom, fresh from the fists of my brain. Was it you, Paola? I think it was. This is why you should research your memories. They could be wrong.
Also, Paola, it’s very easy to explain. Do you think Disney would just come out and tell the public that they were backing the Jonases before they were good and ready? Look at what they’re doing with Mugabe and Martha Stewart. Disney’s real power lies not in their explicit advertising, it’s from something a little more implicit. That’s right: their true power is in the hypnotic rays emitted by their satellites. Over a thousand satellites, cloaked by light-bending fields, tracking the weak minded and crushing their wills, replacing their deepest convictions with a demented love of Disney’s approved list, also known as the Disney New World Order Hierarchy. You may be too far gone to save, but please, please, help us stop this juggernaut! The only defence is to wear a tinfoil hat at all times. Also wear solid copper underwear at all times. And make sure you never, ever hold anything made of metal upright. I’m begging you, pass this information on, and maybe, just maybe, there will be enough of us left free to protect this green earth when the Jonases and suryC yeliM take on their true form and make their play for power! I’m almost sure I can convince Lovato to turn against them, succubi are a fickle lot, but her power will not be enough on its own…
Please, please, pass on the warning! Before it’s too late!
April 1st, 2009 at 6:58 am
I’ve only heard of the Jonas brothers on cracked. They were mentioned in SWAIM’s youtube channel videos. I’ve never heard any of their songs or anything.
Dr.chaos, do you really think that a posting under your name that you didn’t make was the work of a hacker?
April 1st, 2009 at 6:47 am
This article was great. Not just for the humor of it but for the greatly needed, deep, almost metaphysical debate it has sparked beneath this comment.
Highlights:
“Ahreal Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 7:24 pm
hhaha Fucking amazing.
Jonases are great but this is better. Haha.”
“Paola Says:
April 1st, 2009 at 3:11 am
omg shut up disney isnt telling anyone what band to like
ive beena fan of JB WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY befor disney, how do you explain that??”
There is also a comment down there which is like 4 paragraphs long. Thank you Cracked Staff for entertaining me both directly with your humorous take a the Unholy Trinity of Douche and indirectly by challenging the young minds below to take time out of their day to bitch/whine/be mildly pretentious/lol or rofl.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:33 am
My mind is blown all over my keyboard Lithium. And thanks for having the guts to more or less agree with me (not my rant I’m sure but my point at least).
April 1st, 2009 at 6:01 am
Ok.. Jonas Brothers fans,
GTFO.
It’s not that serious.
Stop arguing with the adults here who have a sense of humor.
I do enjoy them too, but you guys make me ashamed of it.
TAKE A JOKE, IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:24 am
Dr.Chaos?Never heard of him.(Hint-hint-hint people)
Liked the part where Chris has Gladstone shamelessly plugging his FaceBook account(that’s kind of G.’s thing now), but wonder if Bucholz isn’t a teeny bit jealous. Hmmm?
Also, I can’t believe I’m the first one willing to say it, but…
…”Carpet layers? I didn’t even know her!”
April 1st, 2009 at 4:25 am
Is your mind blown yet?
April 1st, 2009 at 4:25 am
Point proved.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:24 am
Chris Bucholz’s articles make it easy to use whatever name you want so how do we know the Cracked staff are not commenting all over the place? allow me to prove my point.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:22 am
Not to go against the grain here but most adults I know are only vaguely aware of the Jonas Brothers. The only reason I know of them for instance is because this kid is always coming to my store and loudly talking about them. So I kinda agree with chaos. WTF are the Jonas Brothers doing on here? I mean it is silly and out of place. It’s a good article and I enjoyed the read but it does alienate a lot of people over the age of fifteen. BTW, I’m 22 if anyone cares. I also think that a lot of people put the Jonas Bros in a negative light because because they’re a Disney band. I don’t care for them but at least they write their own songs and play instruments and that’s a big leap for a Disney band IMHO. And another thing. I thought the comments section was for commenting on the article and that’s what chaos did. She was honest and told us exactly what she thought. Sorry if you’re a guy, I just see you as female for some reason.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:47 am
Not the best article of yours, but still mildly hilarious.
I loved Gail saying “Just the once.”.
April 1st, 2009 at 3:24 am
Two words for you: Hanson
I realize the second word is missing, but so are they.
I give the JB another 2 years tops, then one of two things:
1- the puberty supressing hormones they’r being fed will wear off;
2- scandal britney style
April 1st, 2009 at 3:11 am
omg shut up disney isnt telling anyone what band to like
ive beena fan of JB WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY befor disney, how do you explain that??
April 1st, 2009 at 2:20 am
Excellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllent. *Burns-esque fingers*
April 1st, 2009 at 2:09 am
Ah yes, the always intruiging boner. d’I mean: phoner.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:55 am
I mean i wrote the rant, that’s for sure but I didn’t write the comments that were between the rant and this one, I just got back from work. It’s either a Cracked staffer, cos they could in theory access my account as me (if so HUZAH, well done guys) if not, then definately a hacker.
Of course being the super international mega conglomerate that they are I’m sure Cracked has top of the line awesome security protocols that would absolutely stop anyone with half a clue accessing their databases.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:45 am
Hey I totally didn’t write that.
HAXXORS!!!
April 1st, 2009 at 1:16 am
Dr Chaos: I never trust an adult who refers to other adults as “grown-ups”. (”grown-up’s is even worse.)
Your attempts at intelligence have fallen way short small one.
Back to the crayons for you.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:51 am
thank’s this made my day xD I love the Jonas but they are way to grounded, they should losen up a little, this kind of interviews are so funny.
April 1st, 2009 at 12:44 am
WOW.. those poor guys,many people talked about this news on the forum on tall dating site http://tallconnect.com ,seems it is a break news there.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I just ignored the Jonas brothers till I heard their cover of, “Hello, Goodbye,” they recorded for the Target commercial. Since then I’ve had a desire to rip off each one of their heads, one by one, cremate them, piss in the ashes, stomp on then, then feed them to my dog so he’d then shit it out.
I actually just made that up as I went along. But it seems like a good idea to me.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:01 pm
ha, this was pretty good.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Okay, the odds of chaos shoing up again right now to say he loves a band he said he’d never heard of…yeah, right.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Personally I love the jonas brothers.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Why are they so famous? Because people believe what they’re told. Especially kids. And they’re being told that The Jonas Brothers are the Greatest Band since Like Ever Man. Whichever band Disney picked would have become just as famous.
It is an undeniable fact that people will agree with anything someone in a position of authority tells them if it’s not in that dangerous area between “pretty unlikely” and “outrageous”. Past that and the “big lie” effect kicks in, and people say “Well if it wasn’t true nobody would dare say that”. The Jonas brothers are not the worst band in history, the Shags were worse. They are, in fact, barely below mediocre, and work with above-average studio musicians. So people will believe they’re good if that’s what they’re told. Me, I was told my the internet that mainstream music is totally lame and underground music is awesome. So I listen to bands like Pavement and Liars and Joe Cotten. Because they’re better musicians? Well, yes. Actually. But also because that bias took effect before I could argue with it. Disney is just working that from the other side.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:49 pm
@ Lezlie: They aren’t. It’s just that nobody wants to hear about them.
Actually they are kinda funny lookin’
March 31st, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Im just saying that if they were so untalented and unnatractive and absolutely shameful like everyone is always claiming then why the fuck are they so famous? As for being gay more power to you….especially you kevin.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I just saw one of the new South Park episodes the other day. Mickey Mouse beat the crap out of one of the Jonas brothers. It was awesome.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:02 pm
‘Fake or not, fuck those guys. Not in the dismissive metaphorical way, in the literal sense, like DOB was going for. They’re so feminine, you just can’t help it. Am I right? I’m not? Huh.”
Yes. You are 100% correct!
March 31st, 2009 at 8:56 pm
@ Pamcakes
As a fellow kangaroo ridin’ Aussie - funny!! The only thing you left off was some comparison to “that’s not an insult, this is an insult” (see, I can’t fill it in as I am not as funny as you or Aeolian)
*Sigh* I am just feeling love all around at the moment…
March 31st, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Jonas Brothers are gay, they sucked Dan after the interview. Really why does anyone like this Mic Jaggar/Bob Dylan/David Bowie love children. For fucks sake they didn’t even inherit the least bit of talent from the mind-bending armpit-hair head orgy they fell out of.
and by god I think candy must be a scientist.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:44 pm
it shames me to say that i like a couple jonas brother songs.
but i have a purse with the band Queen on it that I’m in love with, does that make up for it? And the fact that I’m planning on replacing that bag with a David Bowie one when Freddie’s face eventually falls apart from me carrying it everywhere?
aeolian, i don’t just profess my love on a daily basis to anyone pwning idiots in my fave website’s comments section. so be proud. devotion in comments may not come nearly as close to romantic as dob’s heavy petting, but it counts for something, right?
March 31st, 2009 at 8:40 pm
pretty dumb. if i do say so myself…but i guess some people like it. so, whatev
March 31st, 2009 at 8:25 pm
*swaggers in, crocodile under one arm, koala attached to leg, carrying machete and wearing elastic-sided boots, a Driza Bone[tm] and a corked hat*
@Aeolian, in the spirit of international friendship, we’ll do a trade; your Aussie jokes for my American ones. Could be fun.
Though that said, I think your ex-President could keep me going for a while…
Can’t find much to complain about the new guy, though. He seems to have his head screwed on straight.
*grins, jumps on a kangaroo and bounces off*
P.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I don’t particularly dislike the Jonases but I’m still loving RLMBS’s breakdown. The comments are seriously half the laugh.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:22 pm
I am 16 and a huge jonas brothers fan…. I have to say.. THIS WAS FUCKING HILIROUS… I WAS LAUGHING THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!
March 31st, 2009 at 8:16 pm
This is hilarious
i mthe biggest Jb fan ever
and this made my day lool
job well done
March 31st, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I wondered when the Jonas fans would get here. I lost twenty bucks on that, I was betting four p.m. Central. Of course it would be after Aeolian left.
So to fill in: Hey Candy, did you really just say this was disrespectful to the Jonas brothers? the friggin Jonas brothers? You can’t disrespect them. To mention them in passing is to show them more respect than they deserve. Ever since they crawled from the womb of their snake-monster mother in the catacombs under Disney Land they were groomed to become great rockers, and even with that training they failed. Guitars break all their strings when a Jonas comes near them as a method of self-defense. Once, one of them switched on a Marshall JCM2000 and it delivered a 220v shock straight across his heart EVEN THOUGH it turned out the amp wasn’t plugged in. Why? I’ll tell you why: because it was willing to do what needed to be done for the future of rock! They’ve been banned from most music stores because the store owners got sick of things falling off racks at them. Mind you, they’ve become powerful, oh yes. They can shatter vinyl from two hundred yards with the power of their studio-crafted pop appeal. They can mute any real music short of Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Dinosaur Jr or Nirvana from across a room. When the Fonz hit the jukebox it would start playing. When Joe Jonas hits the jukebox Mark Arm cries and doesn’t even know why. ONE of them (it hurts too much to say their names, once in the post was too many times) was able to bury all of suryC yeliM’s (it’s not safe to type her name normally) snake monster instincts long enough to have disgusting, incestuous half-breed snake monster spectral intercurse with it. That’s like sex but more evil.
So I think this article was pretty respectful. It didn’t fall to the obvious tactics of talking about their race (half-breed snake monster) or their sexual orientation (toward each other mostly) or their hair (wigs, made from grass picked in hell). It was polite, civil, friendly, and DOB was even kind enough to offer them some sexin’. He’s a brave, brave man.
Good God but that was fun to write.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:13 pm
I’m a Jonas Brother’s fan.
and I personally LOOOOVED this.
I laughed my ass off.
bye.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Ya’ll motherfuckers need to stop fuckin’ with my shit, matta fact you assassinate!
March 31st, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I think you pissed off the millions and millions of Jonas Brothers fans. Call your lawyers! Alert the DA! Payoff your Police Chiefs! RIP Cracked 1958-2009
Just Kidding. Come on guys Cracked is awesome. I will hug on these guys’ nutsacks forever! May their material never get stale. (Yeah, when pigs fly out of my ass and start breakdancing)
March 31st, 2009 at 8:07 pm
ok. so i have a good sense of humor..
but that reallly wasn’t funny at all.
i mean wtf.?
March 31st, 2009 at 7:53 pm
the jonas are HOT!! i love cracked but MORE MORE the jobros!!
March 31st, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Guys, give candy a break. She’s a Jonas Brothers fan (and can apparently admit that with a straight face), so you have to cut her a little slack when it comes to thinking about things. Candy, I know you have a hard time understanding things, so I’ll try to put this simply: Don’t ever say or do anything, at any time, anywhere near me. Just in case, avoid the internet entirely.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:43 pm
and someone should gag her mouth with Dan’s cock-sock and hit her over the head with a satchel of oranges until they have enough juice to give to China’s populace.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
wow candy did you figure out that the interview wasn’t real all on your own? Take a bow champ
March 31st, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Disrespectful of the Jonas Brothers? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Fake or not, fuck those guys. Not in the dismissive metaphorical way, in the literal sense, like DOB was going for. They’re so feminine, you just can’t help it. Am I right? I’m not? Huh.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:24 pm
hhaha Fucking amazing.
Jonases are great but this is better. Haha.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:16 pm
This is so dumb. I bet you guys who have never dated a girl once in their life write the articles and the continuous readers. This is so disrepectful. Since I have never heard about this site I’m going to assume this article is fake…
March 31st, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Haha. I love the JB but let me tell you, this is hilarious! Good work team!
March 31st, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Ooohh sorry for the second post folks. But I didn’t see Aeolian’s post. You are so right sir, we have won the war… but “Doctorchaos” (STILL NOT BUTTERS!) is a douche. Period.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:53 pm
basically, Dr. Chaos. (and I hate feeding trolls, I really do)
You’re a pussy. Not a good pussy, but an STD grab-bag kind of pussy, who compounds you’re pussiness with a ridiculous degree of sexually transmitted diseases and illnesses. To shorten that, you’re a dirty, fucking, prostitute.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I wonder if the second post labeled “Doctorchaos” is by the same person as the first one. There’s no telling, really. Although actually anybody who works for Cracked would know. It’s not important, really.
Anyway, I think we’ve officially won the great comment war. So unless anybody wants to start a cult devoted to my worship or make bad jokes at Pamcakes about Australia that everybody’s heard a thousand times and never laughed at, it might be cool to turn the focus of the comments section back to the article? I’m just sayin’. Eh, if anybody still feels like trashing the trolls I look forward to reading it. Or you could move on and check out Joe Cotten on Myspace Music, because he rocks and I am sworn to plug his music wherever I can.
And Anne…thank…you…for the love? I am happier than I would have been without it.
And now I bid you all good evening. I must disappear into the night, silent and unseen, a spectre of hard justice. But this I swear: that wheresoever there are idiots, bigots, flamers, and fools, there will I be, facing them for the sake of the innocent. Wherever there is a troll there I will wait, a flaming sword to be turned on their slimy necks. Until next time, fellow citizens!
-Aeolian
March 31st, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I second I kill babies’ thoughts.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Hate it, but not as much as the Jonas Brothers…
March 31st, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Doctorchaos Says:
March 31st, 2009 at 7:49 am
Nope, you lost it man. F is for FAIL. All your awesome went into the Ken Doll article and obviously hasn’t recovered. These mock interviews are at best, a fucking chore to read. Too many fragmented sentences and a reliance on knowing just who the FUCK you’re talking about combines to make an extremely dull read, not that I did finish reading it anyhow, I just drifted off and was far more inerested by the mouse droppings i just noticed on my computer desk. As a pseudo journalist you should be aware that the key to maintaining an audience is a good start, something to give you a taste, to make you stick it out til the end.
Well, that first paragraph gives a tase remarkably similar to burnt plastic, or singed hair. Something quite caustic that makes you retch and recoil in disgust at the same time.
And WHY are 18-35 year old carpet layers (that’s right they lay carpet, not install it, carpet isn’t a fucking gas boiler or prefabricated shelving) a funny group? I knew an 18-35 year old carpet layer once, and he was a total dick. Do you have some sort of magical “Boggle” set that pops up a random occupation when you depress and release the plastic bubble? if not then please explain why exactly you thought that was anywhere near “funny” territory.
Also, this article smacks of Americanism again, and shows the typical narrow minded blindness of the average Cracked staffer. “Hey, whats this internet thing, and how far does it go”. Well, DOB says it’s a magical pathway of light, created by Leprachauns and it’s goes all the way from New York to L.A. then dissolves into the sparkly blue waters at the end of the know Universe. The Jonas brothers might be burned into the retina’s of all Americans but for the rest of the world, unless you’re a teenage girl or the poor suffering boyfriend of such, then the chances of you knowing who the flying FUCK the Jonas brothers are is slim to fucking none.
I had to Google them and the first thing I noticd on the main picture on their page were the words Walt Disney. And unless it’s an article where those words are included with “Things, did, evil, child molester, satan, devour us all, end of the fucking world” Then I don’t think it has any goddam place in a Cracked article.
Cracked is a place for grown up’s. I think the teenage, and tweeny population have much better things to talk about than a poorly run sarcastic mocking humour site contributed to by a pack of nerds in a poorly labelled office somewhere in a major American city. And even though you may indeed be totally taking the piss out of them, and even though the article may turn out to be funny, in the way that a still birth is funny because the way the placenta choked the foetus to death made him look a little bit like Abraham Lincoln, it’s still not really funny at all when you think about it. Maybe if you were a halfway decent organisation you would do periodic market research to find out exactly what your demogrpahic is, and therefore know how to cater to them.
Like it or not you ARE an international site, and the advertisers who often use you, as well as being blind, retarded and champions of the “didn’t really think about it” game, also target an international audience. So how about in the future one of you, say someone with a bit of responsibility, maybe in charge of running things, like, oh I don’t know… an EDITOR for example. Actually read the stuff that ends up in the final product and thinks about how relevant it is. Maybe even, and shit, I’m just throwing this out there, maybe even the contributor, talk to the editor, perhaps using heiroglyphics, or mime or something, and tell them what they were considering writing about this time round, so that the editor could consider this topic and it’s relevance before everybody’s time got fucking wasted. Sure It’s cool to talk about your own special days and events, like thanksgiving, and football, but I believe you have a certain responsibility to fill your web pages with a damn good chunk of stuff that’s neutral or commonly understood by everybody worldwide. Think far less Red White and Blue, and more Green and Blue (that being the colour of the earth when seen from realyl far away).
You know, Just saying.
And come on people, back me up here, if you didn’t know who the Jonas brothers were, leave a post saying “Jonas fucking who”
———————————————————————————-
Shut the fuck up.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Look, admittedly, this probably wasn’t my favourite Cracked article of all time. Worth a giggle or two, but didn’t rock my world.
Does that make it Mr. Bucholz’ problem, or, by extension, Cracked’s?
No, not for a Goddamn second. It makes it mine.
The best thing about Cracked, IMHO, is that it reads like a bunch of mates having fun, sharing their comedic stylings with each other. A literary clubhouse, as it were, with a big, clear, hand-lettered, ‘No Oversensitive/Hypercritical Jackasses’ sign hung outside the door.
I never get the feeling that it’s written specifically FOR the readers, but rather for the enjoyment of the writers themselves, which somehow just adds to the excellence of the site.
It’s funny, most of the time, and it always feels intimate.
The Cracked team invite us into the clubhouse. To then take a big, steaming, critical deuce on the work that they’re sweet enough to share with us would seem to be the height of poor form.
I’m an Australian. In certain cultural sectors, mine is the nation that vies with France for the title of ‘least smitten with Americana’ (at least since Vietnam), and I love Cracked. I’m on here every day, checking the new articles - it’s a part of my daily routine; I log onto my computer, I check my email, a series of webcomics and Cracked.com. Yes, there are occasionally articles that don’t bear a lot of relevance to the non-American audience. Sometimes I read them anyway, out of curiosity, and sometimes I give them a miss and, exercising my God-given free will, read something else.
Never, ever, do I read them when I’m not interested, and then bitch and moan in the comments section that, due to my personal disdain for the article’s content, Cracked re-tune their subject matter to my personal taste, as I am clearly a unique and beautiful snowflake around whom the world revolves.
I have been a Cracked fan since a friend linked me to the The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys article, and, while I can see it’s not everyone’s taste, no-one forces those people to read it.
I can only assume DrChaos’ post was an April Fool’s joke, and, if so, then the only response we owe him or her is TTWQA; “Theoretically, that was quite amusing.” Meaning it wasn’t quite LOL-worthy, but we recognise your effort, DrChaos.
If not, then I shrug, and go back to reading articles that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but certainly put a grin on my face, and, in conclusion, shall leave you all with this meditation on the nature of audience response.
There are some people who don’t dig Cracked’s articles and/or content.
Man, screw those guys.
P.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Hey Guyths don’t be tho rude to Chriths Buscholths. I love histh articlesth. It makesth me want to wet my athhole and drive an icy dildo up it YAY!
March 31st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
They are cool man. we all love them. there are so many fans of them. and they set up the groups related to stars. you can even check out his sexy and beautiful photos, videos and blogs on
agelesskiss.com
March 31st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
@ all of those who replied to my comment, i like to write huge fucking essays, that bitch about shit that is irrelevant to the point of the article. my metaphors suck crusty ass fungus, and im a bitch.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:55 pm
“btw, i’m fifteen and american and found this article hilarious”
March 31st, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I hate Cracked Beta.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
sorry yarp, but i dont live in america, and over here it is april fools day. cracked IS international after all.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:46 pm
hey doctor choas, did you realise that nobody has posted a comment that says anything relating to “Jonas fucking who”, but that every comment after yours has a statement that is somewhere along the lines of “dr chaos is an asshole”
oh wait. shit, dont you see people? dr chaos doesnt care, because he wants people to webrage on him. thats why his name is dr CHAOS. just ignore his comments (no matter how dicktarded), because thats just wat he wants us to do! SHIT! weve all been tricked!!!
March 31st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Adam, you’re either not American or suck at reading calendars. It’s still March 31st in the US. April Fool’s is tomorrow.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Cracked’s readership is getting younger and younger. “Get a life,” is becoming the new hot insult.
Also, this article was too short. Go back and get the ten minutes you rightfully deserve.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Doctor Chaos, please stop with the stupid, unfunny metaphors and irrelevent critizism of every goddamned line in the first paragraph. stop trying to send a message about popculture, americanism and how cracked is trying to sardonically apeal to an audience (btw, i’m fifteen and american and found this article hilarious) that they cant reach. the only thing you’re telling people is that (a) you’re a douchbag (b) that you don’t know what satire and sarcasm (or humor) is and (c) that you hate cracked, but will subscribe to it anyway just so that you can be a whiny little bitch and write critizisms longer than the actual articles, solely because you’re (d) a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG. oh, and that you know how to provoke a response. congratulations.
“And WHY are 18-35 year old carpet layers (that’s right they lay carpet, not install it, carpet isn’t a fucking gas boiler or prefabricated shelving) a funny group? I knew an 18-35 year old carpet layer once, and he was a total dick.”
how the hell is this relevent? nobody gives a shit whether you knew one instance of a carpet layer that was a dick?(btw, people who are dicks often think that everyone around them are dicks). why do you cite this to prove a point about a line in the introduction that all of the people who werent douchers already frogot about thirty seconds after they read it? why did you decide long ago that if you went online, then you could be even more of a fucktard than you are now by doing it internationaly?
great. you’ve inflamed me into writing the eqivelent of an essay about this. on aprill fools day. you’re even more of a asshole than i thought.
(aveoli, you’re awsome. did you ever think about writing for cracked?)
March 31st, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Dr Chaos fucking who?
March 31st, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Okay, I am 16..almost 17. I LOVE cracked. I read everyday. I hate the Jo Bros and found this particular artical fucking hilarious. Dr. Chaos is fa dick and shut the hell up cause he is seriously starting to piss me (and obviusly a LOT of other) off. Go crawl into a hole dickhead!
March 31st, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I too, was ready to give up on Cracked for featuring the Jonas Brothers in an article. I braved myself and read it to find the funniest thing I’ve read in quite a while.
Thank you, Bucholz.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:34 pm
not only do i still love aeolian, i’m also in love with gladstone (for mentioning my name) and dan o’brien (cause he’s motherfucking DOB).
and i realize this is a cracked article comments section, but por favor, no more gay jokes at dr chaos. most gays are awesome. i can only assume dr chaos is both straight and terrible in bed since he apparently has so much extra time to spend writing terrible responses to awesome articles on one of the greatest sites out there.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I like the term “carpet layers”, that way I can alway add “does she have a sister?” This is always good for a few laughs, because, quite frankly, I am not all that funny.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
When I first saw this, I was sooo disappointed in cracked. I was almost ready to give up on you forever. But this article just made my day, thank you, Bucholz! It was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:17 pm
don’t laugh
is this a real article or not?
March 31st, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Whoever this Dr. Chaos is. I want him off the face of the earth. Gone! Kaput! It’s Curtains for this Guy!
March 31st, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@ Doctorchaos
Are you… Are you serious..? How would you even know if other countries know who they are, have you gone and researched this? I’m 18 and I live in Australia, I DON’T read any gossip magazines or watch TV that much and I know who the Jonas Brothers are. Hell, I’m (quite embarrassingly) a huge fan, and everyone that I ask knows who they are.
…Party pooper.
Anywho, I loved this article
First time I literally ROFLed in ages.
March 31st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Is thier publicist realy named Gail? That’s what my name is, and I never hear it as anyone under at least 50 years old, and I’m 19(thanks mom..). How old is she?
March 31st, 2009 at 3:11 pm
If the Jonas Brothers were British there’d be a betting pool to see which of them dies of a drug overdose first.
Thank god Americans (and Canadians, sorry Chris) don’t torture their celebrities like that….
March 31st, 2009 at 3:00 pm
@doctorchaos
shuuup! listen to “aeolian” and “caden” and every other person who has a life it was a good artical, made me “lol”.
you dont like the artical? screw you!
oh like you could do better, naaaat!
ps: Nobody Loves You
March 31st, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Great article, but I agree with those that said it could/should have been longer.
Also, this so called “DoctorChaos” is a fraud. You are NO Butters, you fake!
P.S. You are a douche covered asshole with bastard filling.
March 31st, 2009 at 2:52 pm
is this for real? or just a joke
March 31st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Tartra: That’s what she said.
But I agree completely.
March 31st, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I am laughing so hard right now. Good job.
And JoBros, it’s not weird to be a little gay for DOB. Just let it happen.
March 31st, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@Gladstone
;_; You make fun of Canadians…?
March 31st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
It should have been a lot, lot longer. It was great, but it felt really rushed near the end.
March 31st, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Pft, I didn’t even have to post my fodder for the troll. Aeolin, you rule. On so many levels.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
“Bucholz: I’m sorry, Gail. This was totally my fault. I’ll move the phone a little further away from him.
DOB: -shouting- What about just some heavy petting?
Bucholz: Did you hear that?
Gail: Yes we did.
Bucholz: And you’re not going to answer it?
Gail: No we are not.”
laugh-out-loud funny
awesome article, man
March 31st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
@drchaos did you check with your editor about the relevance of your post? As a Canadian reader I must come to the defense of my fellow comrade here, and kindly point out to you that he very definitely mentioned that the readers are only vaguely aware… actually, wait let me go quote this, “so that even our readership has become dimly aware of them” with ‘them’ being the Jonas Brothers. Removing the relevance of that point from your post. I’ve never listened to the Jonas Brothers, but I do know who they are. I dislike them to a grand degree, metros freak me out. And your whiny little bitch post down there might as well be used on all the Hannah Montana posts cracked had pumping out (btw, I fuckin loved those, some more would be nice) given that she also has “Walt Disney” tattoed on her forehead (figuratively speaking).
No one is going to unite with you, except maybe this “Ronaldo McGoalpunch” pukebag, you guys could be flamers together (gay pun TOTALLY intended). All the other commenters here LIKE the site, hence why we continue to read it. We enjoy the articles and think the columnists are funny. Granted, there are times we don’t like it. But a simple “not your best work” suffices. Why would you continue to add to the traffic of the site by coming here every day, thereby increasing their revenue and the money that is paid to the columnists, rather than firmly stating your distaste and removing your contribution to their wealth via your absence? Ergo, why the fuck are you here?
P.S, it totally IS carpet installers. Have you never watched Holmes on Homes? Takes mad skills brah.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:51 pm
[...] Huffington Post, Cracked.com This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 at 2:50 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. [...]
March 31st, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Doctor chaos is a fckin prick
Having said that, great article Chris!
March 31st, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Dr. Caos es un estúpido Maricon
¡Chúpame el pito el Dr. Chao
March 31st, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Oh, Doctor Chaos. Your warmhearted cheer and welcome demeanor bring so much joy to this website.
Great article, by the way, Bucholz.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Anyone else think Doctorchaos is funny? Intelligent? Thought provoking? Correct? Hetrosexual? A man? Worth the time it took me to type this out?
I say no, what say you!
March 31st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
“I like the ones that look like me.” Priceless.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I like America…
March 31st, 2009 at 12:58 pm
drchaos, that really was some steamingly tiresome pile there. I got about halfway through to see what all the hullabaloo is about. Re: “Americans” taking them selves so seriously. First of all: F*ck Off. Having said that, how long did it take you to compose that petulant little rant? Take yourself…I dunno…a little too seriously? In summation: You suck, while Cracked is one of the best sites on the innerwebs.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
*horizontal hand, shaking slightly from side to side*
so-so.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I’m not entirely sure what you’re mad about Dr. Chaos. Cracked serves delicious cookies to the people who love cookies. You clearly don’t like cookies. No, you like ass. You show up and demand that Cracked serve you ass simply because you post. Cracked doesn’t have to cater to anyone. The Cracked demographic consists of people who followed the magazine a long time ago or stumbled upon it by accident(like me). They’re not going to change just for you.
…unreasonable jerk.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:37 pm
LOL @ Daniel O’Brien. Such sarcasm!
I thought it was quite a good article.
@ Doctorchaos
suck on cracks collective chocolate salty balls.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
@ Doctorchaos
I think you missed the point completly.
I dont think this article was long enough. Good read though.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@DoctorChaos-
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it, and I’ll bring it to the next editorial meeting. You’ve been a big help!
-Dan
March 31st, 2009 at 12:08 pm
doctorchaos,
first of all, apostrophes are for possessive nouns NOT for pluralizing things. fucking stop doing that.
also you watch south park but are going to call the intentions of these guys into question? jokes are jokes, dude.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Fuck man, dr.choas is a huge fuck! Americanism?? Im a canadian and i dont give a fuck. get a life. Cracked should write an article about what a doucher Dr.Chaos is.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:57 am
lol thats good… put me in coach
March 31st, 2009 at 11:56 am
LMAO, that was awesome.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:48 am
Hey, Gladstoners everywhere should use facebook request to see his collection of bladed weapons. Especially the glaive.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:42 am
God, Doctor Chaos shows his ugly face again…
Amazing article, I loved it!
March 31st, 2009 at 11:41 am
I also propose a blanket ban on the word “boggle”, at least where it references a bubble/toggle device.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:40 am
Oh my god, this was hilarious! Ah… something that doesnt make sense.. gotta love it.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:40 am
@Aeolian: I do believe I have a man-crush on you.
@DoctorDildo: I propose that, in order to meet your requirements for what is acceptable material for a Cracked article, that someone write an article entitled “Ten Things The Jonas Brothers Did to a Child Molestor who Worshipped Satan and Plotted the End of the World.”
I also propose that the article be written about Mattel toys, since the Ken story seems to be the only thing that Doctor Dildo is interested in here at Cracked.
I also propose officially changing DoctorChaos’s screenname to DoctorDildo.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:16 am
I pay attention when you make fun of Canada gladstone…but im also just not that sensitive, Canadians can take a joke, even when its directed at us!
March 31st, 2009 at 11:16 am
Gotta love Cracked. After they stop making sense, everything is somehow funnier! By the way: Fuck off, troll. Nobody likes you.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:10 am
Great job Bucholz, I was laughing the whole way through. This is definitely going down as one of my favorite articles from you.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:08 am
@Bobbob
Nevermind, I thought you were talking to DOB about the article for some reason, didn’t see the message up top. Apologies!
Anyway, @Chaos, LOL TROLL.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:05 am
“Why is Gladstone the only one of out of the five, active in the comments section”
That is because Gladstone is the only columnist that really cares about us lowly commentators or it helps feed his facebook addiction, one or the other.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:03 am
@Bobbob
“Also, I’m fifteen”
Yeah, we can tell. I love how kids overreact to parodies if it involves something they like.
Grow up, kid.
March 31st, 2009 at 11:00 am
Dear Docter Chaos
Grow a fucking mind. You know NOTHING about what you wasted half a bloody page ranting about. I’m a male from New Zealand, thats right a country that isn’t even on some American maps, and I know who the Jonas Brothers are. Also, I’m fifteen and I’m a big fan of many types of Cracked articles. Thats all this is, a different type of humour! and just to rub it in, a teenager, ME, has a better sense of humour than you, you shit stain
March 31st, 2009 at 10:56 am
Why is Gladstone the only one of out of the five, active in the comments section? Seeing that this articles featured all the team, then shouldn’t you guys also be hanging out around here?
Also, Gladstone, don’t you have any work to do? Come on, do something dude.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:45 am
you wrote an entire article to make fun of their hair. grats.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:14 am
did swaim imply his favorite kind of prostitute is a dead one? because you are spot on! I believe just before rigormortis sets in is when a whore is at her sexual peak. kudos to you for having the balls to tell it how it is.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:00 am
Swaim’s and Brockway’s questions made this the best interview EVARR
March 31st, 2009 at 10:00 am
Anne, you’re right. But I really enjoy how he claims this column –written by Cracked’s only non-American– smacks of “Americanism.”
See Chris, I told you no one pays attention when i make fun of Canada.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:58 am
Everytime i hear of the jonas brothers i think of Jonas Bjorler and his twin brother Anders, which makes me think of amazing thrash metal and death metal yum
oh and good article lil bit on the short side tho…
March 31st, 2009 at 9:31 am
i think i’m in love with aeolian. just saying.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:29 am
Everyone, you do realise that Doctor Chaos is a troll? He only spams every thread on here to get a reaction, most likely because his real world life is meaningless. Dont feed the troll, starve him and he will go away.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:12 am
Dr. Chaos,
You are an epic tool. F off and start your own site if you’re so displeased. Hate America all you want mofo. We’ll keep moving forward while you fumble with your obvious feeling of inadequacy, you sad little peon.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:11 am
Wow…not a single “Jonas Fucking Who” comment.
You are all alone “Doctor”. Does that make you want to cry? I’d want to cry.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:08 am
Doctorchaos has been making the rounds lately. Shithead.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:06 am
This article is win, and so are the comments. Two-fer Tuesday on Cracked.com!
March 31st, 2009 at 8:49 am
Oh, and fun stuff, Cracked writers! Sorry, meant to add that before I submitted.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:49 am
I have the sneaking suspicion this whole article came into being after looking at that picture of David Bowie. If so I salute you. Am I right? Do I get a cookie?
March 31st, 2009 at 8:47 am
Holy CRAP, Chaos. What a mighty long bitchfest about an article that you *GASP* didn’t even have to read. It may not have been the best-ever-article-in-the-history-of-all-articles-written-on-Earth-since-the-beginning-of-time, but you likely realized it before you reached the end. And you continued on, anyway.
Calm yourself, kid. And next time, if you don’t want to read it, then don’t. The world won’t end, I swear. And we won’t have to be subjected to your ridiculous and unnecessary complaining. It’s a win-win!
Whiny little tool.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:46 am
I can’t believe there’s a Jonas Brother called Joe. Joe Jonas. Even if he wasn’t famous, that would be a terrible name. And given that his cruel, cruel parents called him Joe, shouldn’t they have called the other two Jonah and Jonas (which is a German first name)?
Here are some suggestions for other parodies:
The Boners Brothers
The Boneless Brothers
The Homeless Brothers
The Jeweller’s Brothers
The Jonas Bummers (a bummer is a British slang term for a person who engages in sodomy)
The Joker’s Brothers (interviewed by Christian Bale)
The Anus Brothers
March 31st, 2009 at 8:41 am
doctorchaos, how does it feel that Aeolian figuratively, and literally dug up your dead grandmother, and ear fucked her into submission? having a closer look, i believe he actually resuscitated her after years in the grasp of death, and then continually ear canal fucked her so hard it ruptured her temporal lobe, causing yet another bout of The Death.
i probably wouldn’t show my face ’round these parts no more….mmmkay?
with love,
kim jong illl sonnn
March 31st, 2009 at 8:35 am
I misspelled douchebag. I think they’ll take away my internet license for that.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:34 am
lol! I hate the music but I think Kevin is so adorable- I guess I should start growing my eyebrows out
Great job on the mock interview
March 31st, 2009 at 8:32 am
comments filled with more redundancy then the articles… i love how a comedy website manages to infuse people with such malice.
any reaction is a good reaction i guess.
nice article
March 31st, 2009 at 8:27 am
“I doubt you’ve earned that “doctor” you throw around so freely”
How dare you doubt an anonymous commenter’s internet credentials?
- God
March 31st, 2009 at 8:27 am
And just for clarity, Miss Chaos (I’m sorry if you’re actually female, I’m just using the word “miss” as a castrative term, if you’re a woman pretend I said “mister), the editor was busy. This was written during “Jack’s Rock Hour” and he was too busy improving on the solo to Crazy Train to read through articles. Reading articles during Jack’s Rock Hour is a waste of cocaine.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:25 am
“These mock interviews are at best, a fucking chore to read.”
You mean like your long rant attacking Cracked for running an article you were not forced to read? So why did you read it? Is Bucholz holding a gun to your head? Are you in a Chinese “laogai” and the guards won’t give you your half-cup of rice until you read every Cracked article? Or did you never think that you could have just clicked on a link and been magically whisked away to a completely different page, never to be bothered by this article again?
March 31st, 2009 at 8:20 am
I feed trolls. I feed them broken glass and burned toast and I laugh when they stop talking.
Talking is a metaphor for typing here.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:19 am
post by doctorchaos = “YAWN”
March 31st, 2009 at 8:17 am
@Doctorchaos:
Did DOB molest you as a child? Because seriously, revenge is the only logical reason why you would keep reading this site. We’ve seen you on other articles, and we understand: you hate Cracked. We’ve also all lost interest. You’ve made your point, others have argued against the point, and you know what? They won. They made sense. You didn’t. You’re just another small-minded idiot who uses the anonymity of the internet to vent some anger. Get the fuck off of Cracked. We don’t need you here.
And yes, everything on the internet becomes international. But Cracked is an American site, written primarily by Americans, and therefore they will write articles about things Americans know about. Also, please observe that this particular article, that you accuse of such “Americanism”, is actually written by a Canadian. Indicating, Mister Chaos (I doubt you’ve earned that “doctor” you throw around so freely) that…gasp…people in another country are familiar with the subject. The Jonas Brothers are, regrettably, not a phenomenon restricted to preteen girls anymore. They got big enough that adults heard their albums and grew angry at the perversion of music that was corrupting their children. At which point the demographics just unfolded like a morning chrysanthemum. (Do chrysanthemums unfold in the morning? Let’s say they do.)
I’ll wrap this up because only a deuchebag would write a comment longer than the article. What I’m kind of saying is, if you hate this site so much, go read something you enjoy. Like the obituaries so that you can find new sexual partners. You’re inadequate in bed. Every repairman under Maytag wants you to wash a hand. You fuck cows in retrospect. I ruminate on all your points, right here, in front of the whole readership of Cracked. Don’t think I won’t. I’ll ruminate anywhere. I’d masticate at your dinner table in front of your mother and I’d smile when she watched. Fuck.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:13 am
lol doctorchaos is the gayest human being ever.
March 31st, 2009 at 8:04 am
I laughed so hard I almost puked! Then I saw that picture of that god damned fish with the thing in it’s mouth and I did puke. I love crack eeerr, Cracked…
March 31st, 2009 at 8:03 am
@doctorchaos
TLDNR
March 31st, 2009 at 7:58 am
Oh, and since it popped up after I finished posting: Don’t feed the troll, kiddies!
March 31st, 2009 at 7:56 am
why do people write comments longer than the articles?
is it douchebagness? its douchebagness right?
March 31st, 2009 at 7:53 am
I am sad that Seanbaby didn’t get to ask a few. Good stuff nonetheless.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:50 am
@ Yes, I will.
Nice job, Chris.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:49 am
Nope, you lost it man. F is for FAIL. All your awesome went into the Ken Doll article and obviously hasn’t recovered. These mock interviews are at best, a fucking chore to read. Too many fragmented sentences and a reliance on knowing just who the FUCK you’re talking about combines to make an extremely dull read, not that I did finish reading it anyhow, I just drifted off and was far more inerested by the mouse droppings i just noticed on my computer desk. As a pseudo journalist you should be aware that the key to maintaining an audience is a good start, something to give you a taste, to make you stick it out til the end.
Well, that first paragraph gives a tase remarkably similar to burnt plastic, or singed hair. Something quite caustic that makes you retch and recoil in disgust at the same time.
And WHY are 18-35 year old carpet layers (that’s right they lay carpet, not install it, carpet isn’t a fucking gas boiler or prefabricated shelving) a funny group? I knew an 18-35 year old carpet layer once, and he was a total dick. Do you have some sort of magical “Boggle” set that pops up a random occupation when you depress and release the plastic bubble? if not then please explain why exactly you thought that was anywhere near “funny” territory.
Also, this article smacks of Americanism again, and shows the typical narrow minded blindness of the average Cracked staffer. “Hey, whats this internet thing, and how far does it go”. Well, DOB says it’s a magical pathway of light, created by Leprachauns and it’s goes all the way from New York to L.A. then dissolves into the sparkly blue waters at the end of the know Universe. The Jonas brothers might be burned into the retina’s of all Americans but for the rest of the world, unless you’re a teenage girl or the poor suffering boyfriend of such, then the chances of you knowing who the flying FUCK the Jonas brothers are is slim to fucking none.
I had to Google them and the first thing I noticd on the main picture on their page were the words Walt Disney. And unless it’s an article where those words are included with “Things, did, evil, child molester, satan, devour us all, end of the fucking world” Then I don’t think it has any goddam place in a Cracked article.
Cracked is a place for grown up’s. I think the teenage, and tweeny population have much better things to talk about than a poorly run sarcastic mocking humour site contributed to by a pack of nerds in a poorly labelled office somewhere in a major American city. And even though you may indeed be totally taking the piss out of them, and even though the article may turn out to be funny, in the way that a still birth is funny because the way the placenta choked the foetus to death made him look a little bit like Abraham Lincoln, it’s still not really funny at all when you think about it. Maybe if you were a halfway decent organisation you would do periodic market research to find out exactly what your demogrpahic is, and therefore know how to cater to them.
Like it or not you ARE an international site, and the advertisers who often use you, as well as being blind, retarded and champions of the “didn’t really think about it” game, also target an international audience. So how about in the future one of you, say someone with a bit of responsibility, maybe in charge of running things, like, oh I don’t know… an EDITOR for example. Actually read the stuff that ends up in the final product and thinks about how relevant it is. Maybe even, and shit, I’m just throwing this out there, maybe even the contributor, talk to the editor, perhaps using heiroglyphics, or mime or something, and tell them what they were considering writing about this time round, so that the editor could consider this topic and it’s relevance before everybody’s time got fucking wasted. Sure It’s cool to talk about your own special days and events, like thanksgiving, and football, but I believe you have a certain responsibility to fill your web pages with a damn good chunk of stuff that’s neutral or commonly understood by everybody worldwide. Think far less Red White and Blue, and more Green and Blue (that being the colour of the earth when seen from realyl far away).
You know, Just saying.
And come on people, back me up here, if you didn’t know who the Jonas brothers were, leave a post saying “Jonas fucking who”.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:49 am
Great article lol.
David Bowie is gorgeous even with his giant hair and must never be compared to anyone…<.<
Swaim’s question is win.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:44 am
Is it just a coincidence that an article about the Jonas Brothers is situated right after an article about “The 7 Most Horrifying Parasites on the Planet?” I THINK NOT!! The most frightening implication of this so-called “coincidence” is that there are four more Jonas brothers lurking about, yet to be discovered!
March 31st, 2009 at 7:37 am
If I request Gladstone, will he show me his collection of edged weapons?
March 31st, 2009 at 7:31 am
I came here to read comedy, Cracked! Not to have my sex life brought into question! That’s the commentors’ job…
March 31st, 2009 at 7:29 am
” Gail: Just the once” “Swaim: …of prostitute? Mine’s gray.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Great job Chris.
I do have a question about Swaim prostitutes color, is that gray in like gray alien or gray as in like ashen, you know, like dead hooker gray?
March 31st, 2009 at 7:26 am
Who are the Jonas brothers?
Wern’t they those two kids who were in the lost boys?
But I guess not from this interview, some group of musicians? Boy Band?
March 31st, 2009 at 7:10 am
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March 31st, 2009 at 6:00 am
A perfect synergy of David Bowie, homosexual DOB, and carpet. Your target demographic thanks you Chris! You are a (probably)gentleman and can probably also spell scholar.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:56 am
Best part was the Firsty comments
March 31st, 2009 at 5:51 am
Wow, great job at capturing the essence of your co-bloggers there, Bucholz. Great article! I still don’t really know who those little Hanson-wannabes are though.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:40 am
I wish journalistic interviews were like this all the time. And I wish there could have been a question of why their music is appalling too.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:16 am
Firsty McFirst sucks
so do the Jonas Brothers
March 31st, 2009 at 4:36 am
Firsty McFirst enjoys the Armpit-Bowie reference.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:35 am
Firsty McFirst has read this article. Firsty McFirst approves.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:34 am
Firsty McFirst apparently can’t spell. He still is First though.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:34 am
Firsty McFrist Strikes again!!