Cracked Columnists

Cracked Column Writing: Live!

Following the attention that 30 Rock received for its live show this past Thursday, we here at Cracked, lacking both original ideas and shame, decided to go after that sweet attention and street cred ourselves, and do our own "live" thing.

"But won't this cut into our time spent doing things that are really well thought out, and that appeal to all demographics?" I asked, biting my lip coyly. Thinking that I was mocking them (I was) management decided that it would be my column which would serve as the lipstick encrusted guinea-pig for this new feature. "But surely my readers will protest at this slapdash attitude to their Tuesday comedy fix!" I said, fucking with them even harder.

So, for all you readers who are browsing Cracked between 3-7 am EST this Tuesday morning, settle in to watch me compose and publish an article on the fly. You'll be able to see how the creative process unfolds, and the many missteps that go along with making basically-passable comedy. Let's not split hairs: This Will Be Groundbreaking, and will probably become a common touchstone for a generation, like the moon landing, or those "Wazzzzzup" commercials. Today, when people see you bleary-eyed and ask what you were doing in the early hours of the morning, you'll be able to answer honestly and without shame, for the first time in your life.

For anyone logging in later, you'll simply have to read the transcript. It will probably be funny, but having not seen it live, you'll have missed something essential, and may just want to give up living entirely.

All buckled in? Then let's hit it.

======================================================================

CRACKED LIVE MIRTH-DEALING TRANSCRIPT BEGINS 3:08am EST Oct 19th, 2010

======================================================================

Uh...

.

.

Uhm.

.

.

Fuck me, is it 4 already?

.

.

Just pick something and go. It doesn't matter. It's just Cracked.

.

.

.

The 6 Awesomest Boat Winterizing Tips
Like a lot of people, everyone here at Cracked owns eight boats.

- Is that believable? Maybe I should go with 6. No, my readers aren't animals. They all own 8 to 9 boats minimum. If I claim I have any less, they'll think I'm poor and not worth listening to, like all poor people.

And because boat winterizing is the second most fun a person can have on a boat (right after vaginal sex), we thought w'ed share some of our favourite boat winterizing tips!

Good start. But what now?

8==D

8==D

8==D

8==D

8=================================================================================================

====D

Hehehheheeeheh

_____________

Tip #1 - Engine Shutdown

Make sure to change the oil on your boat engine before you mothball it for the winter. Do this while the engine is warm, to help release any sediments or deposits in the internals. Using a pickup hose, flush the engine's coolant system with fresh water and antifreeze. Finally, be sure to wipe the engine down with a spray lubricant.

- Awesome! That's like a hundred words right there I bet. But we will actually need a joke in here at some point skipper.

Finally, be sure to wipe down the engine with the blood of an adult salmon to gain it's strength.

- Mmmmmmm. Bit early for blood jokes.

Finally, be sure to lube the engine with a cloth and some spray lubricant. Really get in there, like your the Karate Kid, and the boat is a Turkish bathhouse, and this is a completely different movie. Youll' know your doing this properly if anyone watching you immediately leaves.

_____________

Tip #2 Inspect the Drivetrain

Whether you have propellers or an inboard drive, yo'ull need to remove any plant life or barnacles from all of the mechanical elements.

- Ok. Probably time for another joke. Should also consider starting up a running gag around here.

- But what? Well, what's funny? Penises, short people, hatchet attacks, the word "bowel" , throwing hula-hoops at giraffes at the zoo, bear-on-clown violence.

- And every one of them a cliche.

- How about I slowly drop hints that we're not so much winterizing a boat, as we are cleaning evidence off it after a horrific, not-very-accidental accident?

If you expect that you will find any bone fragments in there, remember to wear gloves.

_____________

Tip #3: Clean the hull

Be sure to clean your boats' hull thoroughly before storing it for the season. If your taking it out of the water for the winter, this can be easily accomplished with a pressure washer. Storing it in the water mean's youll need some training and breathing apparatus to properly clean the hull.

- This is good, but need to go wackier basically immediately.

If your looking for a way to get all the semen off your boat...

- No. How about...

If your looking for a way to get all the clown semen off your boat...

- Hmmm. I like the idea of using a speedboat to run down a masturbating clown who is our enemy - this is a classic comedy scenario - but we've got to build up to it.

Barnacles, seaweed and other biological growth can be cleaned off with warm water, a light detergent, and simple elbow grease. But if you have reason to think there will be any damning forensic evidence stuck to your hull, consider using a hydrogen peroxide based cleanser, like OxiClean, as well as the cover of night.

- That picture of a lion humping a boat would go good here...

_____________

Tip #4: Fill the Fuel Tank

Remember to fill up the fuel tank before leaving your boat for the winter. This will minimize the amount of air in the tank, and help avoid buildup of any condensation.

- Damnit. I just had a thought. Wouldn't "live" mean actually writing it before hand, and just typing it live? It would, wouldn't it.

- Shit, too late now. Shit.

- Shit.

Condensation can cause water to contaminate your fuel supply, which can cause fouling of your fuel system, and greatly inhibit any high speed getaway's that all boat owners sometimes have to make in the dead of winter. Plus, should the FBIs sex-murder investigators pick up your trail, yo'ure going to be thankful for the full tank of gas.

_____________

Tip #5: The Crapper

- Better be careful here. This is seemingly a perfect venue for poo jokes, but it's also in a way, too perfect. Don't want to be predictable.

If your'e like us here at Cracked, you likely don't use the head on your boat very often, preferring to hang whatever it is you need to hang off the windward side and letting fly.

- Wait, is windward the side with the wind blowing at it, or away from it? What's the time? -checks watch- Shit. I honestly can't be bothered to look that up.

Which, depending on what the exact definition of windward is, may have necessitated more hull cleaning for you back in Tip #3.

- Nice save.

Nevertheless, some of your other boat guests may have used the facilities, like that drifter you met on that autumn evening down at the boat bar, who convinced you that putting on clown costumes would make what happened next "more fun." Yeah, you remember him using the toilet, even if youv'e blanked out all the rest. Or tried to. DAMNIT, WHY CANT YOU JUST FORGET?

Anyways, youd be well advised to clean out your head at an approved facility, and to avoid eye contact with anyone present there who might be judging you.

_____________

Tip #6: Clean the Interior

Often forgotten, but easily the most critical part of boat winterization is to properly clean the interior. Run a vacuum over any soft surfaces, and turn any cushions on end to permit air to circulate around when in storage. If possible, place a dehumidifier, or a moisture absorbing product or desiccate inside your boat to control any damp. Using the most powerful household cleansers available, clean all hard surfaces of the interior thoroughly, wiping down all cabinets and drawers. Wipe them down eight times, until anything that could be living on them is so dead.

- Ok, time for the big finish. This has to really put people outside of their comfort zones. Ideally, you want something that will make them laugh, and then regret it immediately. Like they were watching a really hilarious pet euthanization or something.

Your boat finally completely clean/winterized, treat yourself to a nice big glass of scotch, served without the glass. Tell yourself that you did the right thing. Things got out of hand, and despite promises, the clown costumes did not make things more fun. Who even has two clown costumes with them at all times, anyways? Ill tell you who. Guys who won't be missed, thats who. Theres' nothing to worry about. Even if they did find out it was you, you could always say it was an accident. Like theres forensics that can tell you were laughing the whole time you were running down a masturbating clown that you'd pushed overboard during a romp gone bad.

Pour yourself another scotch without the glass, and take a deep breath. You knew what you were getting in to when you bought this thing. Most boat guys probably have a story like this.

====================================================================================

CRACKED LIVE MIRTH-DEALING TRANSCRIPT ENDS 7:44am EST Oct 19th, 2010

CRACKED JOKE-O-ANALYZER PROCESSING |/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ TOTAL HUMOR: 84.3 COULIERS

CRACKED APOSTROPHE-SCOPE BREACH FAILURE WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

====================================================================================