The 10 Lamest Super Bowl XLII Ads (Part 1)
What happens when two Cracked bloggers--one irrepressibly chipper and optimistic, the other a bitter, hollow, withered husk of a man (that one's Ross)--are locked into a chat session without anything to sustain them but the ten worst commercials to air during Super Bowl XLII? Read on, and you just may find the answer.
Michael Swaim: Youve got it all wrong. They can fly, but the white man keeps them "down," both in the figurative and, here, literal sense. It's a symbolic call to revolution that I think is long overdue.
Ross Wolinsky: Are you implying that it was a white man flying the plane that almost killed him?
Michael Swaim: The plane itself was white, and I think that says something.
Ross Wolinsky: I'll concede one thing: the guy looks great in that suit.
Michael Swaim: On a positive note, with Hancock coming out, I think we're finally reaching a place where society is ready to talk about flying black people. It's about damn time if you ask me.
Ross Wolinsky: Youre just overcompensating to not seem racist.
Michael Swaim: Look, talk all you want, but when you're the first one snatched by the Airborne Brotherhood of Namibia, don't come crying to me.
Michael Swaim: BOTH! And how can you not like this?! AMERICA CHOSE IT! It's the definition of Democracy. Are you against Democracy, Ross?
Ross Wolinsky: Here's the thing: I LOVE the song (bought it WAY before the Super Bowl), I LOVE Democracy, and I REALLY LOVE Doritos. Too much of a good thing?
Michael Swaim: Only if you try and exercise all three at once. Nothing kills my voting buzz like going into the booth and finding nacho cheese powder everywhere.
Michael Swaim: Hey, have you noticed that "Kina Grannis" sounds an awful lot like "kinda badass?"
Ross Wolinsky: If I bought every product that SOUNDED like something cool, I'd have WAY too many products, Swaim. C'mon - you know this commercial sucks.
Michael Swaim: What I know is between me and my heart.
Ross Wolinsky: Liar.
Michael Swaim: I think you're missing a very important aspect. This is a car commercial with CANNONS in it. Cannons fired by BUTLERS. Have you priced cannons lately? I have, and let me tell you it's not a buyers market.
Ross Wolinsky: Just because it was expensive doesn't make it good. Waterworld was expensive, too. Okay, bad example - Waterworld rules.
Ross Wolinsky: I think they're relying on the fact that the word "badger" sounds funny.
Michael Swaim: HAHAHA!
Ross Wolinsky: Badger.
Michael Swaim: HAHAHA! Stop it!
Ross Wolinsky: Badger.
Michael Swaim: SERIOUSLY! I CAN'T BREATHE! Oh, man, I'm totally going to go buy a Lexus.
Ross Wolinsky: It's a Toyota commercial.
Michael Swaim: I don't even fucking care anymore. All I know is I'm delirious with laughter. Clearly, this commercial succeeded. Lexus dealership here I come!
Ross Wolinsky: That's a message I can get behind, actually. Hair is serious business.
Ross Wolinsky: The music in this commercial really sucks though.
Michael Swaim: I can't believe anyone could dislike a commercial where at one point there are nine Shakiras in frame.
Michael Swaim: If the music bothers you that much, mute the TV, download some Kina Grannis, munch some Doritos and enjoy.
Ross Wolinsky: I'm more of a Dove guy, personally, but whatever.
Michael Swaim: Well, we've all seen YOUR hair.
Ross Wolinsky: You ever try those bars of soap they make that are 1/4 lotion?
Michael Swaim: I'm using one right now.
Ross Wolinsky: How do they do that?
Michael Swaim: I don't know. All I know is my ass has never been smoother.
Ross Wolinsky: Oh wait - they're shoes. I get it.
Michael Swaim: I want to know more about this "Them" they mention. Do they have chemical weapons? Are they religious fundamentalists? I'm frightened. Please, Mr. Underarmor, do whatever you think is necessary to protect us. I'll sign anything.
Ross Wolinsky: If someone made a dystopian movie about the world being run by professional athletes, I would pay upwards of $3 to go see it.
Michael Swaim: Little do you know, this commercial you claim to hate is actually a brilliantly subtle ad campaign for the upcoming Ving Rhames vehicle "UnderArmour: Us vs. Them." Michael Mann is slated to direct.
Michael Swaim: They fight by seeing who can pull tires the farthest.
Michael Swaim: Ving wins.
Ross Wolinsky: It will be the greatest product tie-in film since The Wizard. If people love the shoes, they're gonna love the movie.
Michael Swaim: And if they love the movie, they're gonna love the commemorative plate series.
Michael Swaim: I already pre-ordered the one with Michael Vick as Secretary General of the Federation of Us. Ironically, his undersecretary is a genetically engineered Irish Setter.
Ross Wolinsky: I'll buy the shoes, the plates, and I'll go see the movie, but I still fucking hate this commercial.
Michael Swaim: Needless to say, they disagree on some policies.
Ross Wolinsky: MOVING ON.
But to where, my worthy adversary? Check out Ross's Daily Nooner for Page 2.
When not collaboratively blogging for Cracked, Michael makes stream-of-consciousness videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Hey, I liked that More Refined one. I mean, it likely would NEVER work in this little thing we call reality, but hey! What ad does deal in reality nowadays.
ReplyAlso, isn't it kinda illegal for a car to be that silent inside. That's the reason you can't wear earphones. You can't hear the Police, fire engines and ambulances trying to fucking SAVE LIVES!
Fuck you, Toyota!
[...] read more | digg story [...]
Replyas to the terrifyingly fit black guy - he is not ray lewis, but ray lewis was in that underarmor commercial. he is just not the main guy - i'll take mustafa's word that that is eric ogbogu
ReplyLets see.
ReplyBudlight Ad - Stupid, tries too hard to be funny.
Doritos Ad - Umm...where are the Doritos, and who the f*@#% is Kina Grannis?
Toyota Ad - Just like the Budlight Ad, but the baby badgers nursing was kinda-sorta cute.
Sunsilk Ad - Dumb, but the only thing I liked about it was the Marilyn Monroe part.
Under Armour Ad - All that extravagance of a black muscle man yelling out "FUTURE"!!! to a uninterested-looking crowd of people for a pair of shoes? Give me a break.
too bad the "More Refined" and "The Future Is Ours" were two of the best shown
ReplyI used to wear an under-armour thing for playing rugby. It's also referred to as 'second skin'. It's basically this skin-tight shirt you wear to keep you warm on cold training nights.
ReplyIt's kind of gay actually. It's the closest real-life thing to Flander's ski-suit.
"Feels like i'm wearing nothin' at all, nothin' at all, NOTHIN' AT ALL!"
The best thing going was when the damned FootBot got trashed by the Friggin Terminator!
ReplyEr, Freudian slips.
ReplyCorrection: I think it's only racist if they...
ReplyI guess that's what they call one of them Freudian blowjobs.
I think it's only black if they rearrange the words to read: "fit, loud, and terrifyingly black man."
ReplyThe commercials, generally speaking, have become lamer the last few years. It used to be all the Macintosh smashing 1984 and Mean Joe Greene throwing the kid his jersey. I think they had a horse farting in an ad last year. What happened?
ReplyAnd who in the hell is Kina Grannis? Her song wasn't bad, but I don't remember choosing her for anything! That ad made me feel like I live under a rock.
Sales Genie anyone?
Reply"In a not-so-distant future, a terrifyingly fit (and loud) black man will rise to power and rule the world." has no one else realized that "terrifyingly fit (and loud) black man" was ray lewis?
ReplyThanks. If I wasnt getting hammered off of Steel Reserve Malt Liquor I wouldve finished the lamest Super Bowl Ads myself. I guess i'll just finish the '10 stupidest things iv'e done while getting hammered on Steel Reserve Malt Liquor' masterpiece!
ReplyMike, wii cant see the flash videos on the we. You old lesbian. You are sooooooo awesome you hot stud you. I was all hot and bothered about reading your article, but now my passion has faded. w00t
ReplyLove,
Alexy, Tim, And especially Naomi.
Who would create a product called "Under Armor" if it's not a deodorant?
ReplyTher was far too much gratuitous use of the word 'bum' in that song for my liking.
Replyhey that girl with the guitar made that song about digg a little while back... i was waiting for her friends/sisters to jump up behind her and start singing...
ReplyThat Under Armour commercial was hilarious. I love how Mr. Under Armour says the word future.
Reply"FOOOOO CHURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
I can't tell if you guys are joking or not, but just in case you're not, Under Armor is essentially glorified, skintight, usually black workout clothes...you know, the kind of things Germans from the '40s wear, athletics being the testosterone-fueled fascist dystopia that it is.
ReplyAlso, yeah, the commercials this year sucked balls. The only one I even remotely audibly chuckled at was the Doritos one with the giant mouse, and even that was funny in any "actual" sense.