I’ve never abused this blog. While others used it to try and get free Watchmen tickets (which, honestly, I would have done if I’d thought of it first), I maintained my blogging integrity by sticking to the important issues, like crazy sex romps and goading PC vs. Mac people into bloody comment wars.
But now it’s my time.
Conan is moving to Los Angeles soon to take over for Leno, and as anyone familiar with WGA rules knows, he will leave behind a shallow grave of old writers, throats slit and gaping open to the cold New York sun (the strike wasn’t quite as successful as they’d hoped).
But if you think you know where I’m going with this, you’ve vastly underestimated my sense of self-importance. That’s right. Conan, I want to be your new co-host.
Think about it: You’ve lost your writing staff, you’re going to be in a scary new town and starting a whole new show. I know a fuckton of writers who need cocaine money, am intimately familiar with the prostitute-selling parts of L.A. and just released the final episode of my own show.
Well, I can make it the final episode, anyway. Seriously, I’ll burn all the footage for next week’s S.W.A.I.M. if you want. I know the competition’s been hurting your ratings, and here’s your chance to make that all go away. Just put a phone up to that massive head of yours and make the call.
Yes, I just insulted you. And yes, I’ll probably do it again, on national television if the opportunity should arise. But you should still make me your new co-host. Why?
Three simple, yet counter-intuitive reasons.
Andy was great. Hell, Andy Richter Controls the Universe is one of the most underrated sitcoms of the last 50 years. But let’s face the facts, he wasn’t exactly a pussy magnet. I, on the other hand, could arrange sex with a female Cracked reader probably within the hour if I really tried. And it’s seven fucking A.M. right now.
That’s the kind of drawing power you want anchored to your little couch every night. L.A. is a town concerned with appearances, and you’re going to need to counterbalance your Frankenstein-ish stature and overall ginger-ness with a boyishly handsome charm-factory like myself.
I’d install a guardrail in front of the audience though (don’t want them rushing the stage, titties a-flappin’). And I’m warning you now; the first three rows of ladies will get wet.
In this era of reality television and gossip blogs, a celebrity’s power is built upon their personal life just as much as their public persona. And while you’ve done a great job throughout your career avoiding tabloids and keeping the details of your home life private, I will have no such discretion.
Expect fights with paparazzi. Expect dropped babies. Expect ratings to skyrocket.
You’re going to have to retire the masturbating bear because it reminds people of my frequent public indecency charges. I’m going to come to work drunk and vomit all over the raccoon wearing a jetpack. I’m going to haggle with the robot pimp for 15 minutes on live TV before realizing he’s just a character.
In other words, I’m going to make you a star.
In order to avoid any confusion down the road, I’ll let you know now that I’ve already picked out my co-hosting outfit.
Yes, Conan, you could actually have a 50s-style greaser as your co-host. And I’m not just phoning it in, either: I’ll use words like “squares” and “heat,” carve my gang’s logo into your desk (it’s a guy eating ice cream), even stab an occasional guest or two.
And, like any troubled youth with no impulse control and a dog pack mentality, I will actively challenge you for control of the show. Think of it! The natural tension as people tune in night after night, wondering: is this the night? Could tonight be the night Slick Mickey finally guts Conan like a pale-bellied fish?
So make me your co-host, Conan. All I ask in return is top billing and the right to sleep with your wife (I don’t even know what she looks like; it’s more of a dominance thing). I promise, you won’t regret it, right up to the moment I kill you and wear your skin as a suit to see if I can fool Gwyneth Paltrow.
Or I could be head writer. Whichever, really.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 pm and is filed under Conan O'Brien, Los Angeles, New York, TV, The Late Show. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Not sure what
November 4th, 2009 at 2:51 am
You forgot that Andy Richter is in a different weight class of comedy than you. You’d have to bulk up to take him on or he could try some of that brown fat.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:02 am
“I, on the other hand, could arrange sex with a female Cracked reader probably within the hour if I really tried. And it’s seven fucking A.M. right now.”
I didn’t actually read anything after that. I got distracted.
August 14th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Gory Bateson has been having nightmares that he’s trapped in Conan O’Brien’s hair, so he wrote a song about it. Check it out at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K4WjsK_juU
July 10th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Thank you for your help!
May 26th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Discount Vegas Tickets…
Rock on baby - what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas! Ha! I was able to find great tickets to shows there because of the crisis. Check it out if you are heading down Vegas way. It is a much better than option than the evil Ticketmaster!!…
April 7th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Everything will be all right .
The turth will be turn out in the end.
still,remeber a dating site,maybe U will find your soul love there:
****w w w.T allfinder.C o M****
April 1st, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Will you marry me Michael Swaim?? You… are the most hilarious man I have ever met… and it is HAWT! I’m not joking, not in the least bit. I believe that we could have a wonderful life together; you working during the days and me creating wonderful art at home. Then when you come home every night we will have wonderful, errotic, passionate beyond belief sex. In the mornings we will do it again. Then I’ll make you breakfast in bed and serve it to you naked except for my apron. I could go on but I’m afraid that I will no longer be a mystery and then the appeal will be gone. Please do not hesitate to contact me… you sexy SEXY beast! groawwrr……
Kristi aka picklefishy
March 31st, 2009 at 5:15 pm
“This article takes a very disturbing turn upon one realizing that this is, in fact, not a joke. If the comments are anything to go by, 15% of all women in the world lust after Swaim.”
I wouldn’t doubt it!
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
you suck.
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:33 am
“I, on the other hand, could arrange sex with a female Cracked reader probably within the hour if I really tried.”
This article takes a very disturbing turn upon one realizing that this is, in fact, not a joke. If the comments are anything to go by, 15% of all women in the world lust after Swaim.
March 8th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I wanted to give Conan a tour of my neighborhood here in LA to help get him acclimated. There’s a Subway (sandwiches) on Sunset/La Brea. It’s open 24/7.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I love SWAIM.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I think the paragraphs under #3 (the Greaser) are some of the funniest lines I have ever read! Great as always, SWAIM!
March 5th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I’d like to treat your mother to a nice steak dinner.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Swaim (or as the French would write, Suéme), I recommend not fucking wth Conan. Cimmerians are not known for their tolerance of bullshit.
March 5th, 2009 at 7:54 am
the con-dog and swaim both on one show! if it happened they would end up canceling all other late night shows, i mean the sheer mass of that thing….really…ten inches….around? and conan doing his string dance at knife point by greaser swaim, and clippy and robot pimp gettin jiggy with it…..i just referenced will simth…sweet jebus…
March 5th, 2009 at 6:27 am
All the hot tall girls on
___Tallmingle.com___ 
are supporting you !! the place where hot modelss, sexy milfs meet and mingle! you might wanna check it out!
BTW, it’s the place where hot modelss, milfs, sexy tall man and chicks meet, mingle and for someting more!! You may wanna check it out!!LOL
March 4th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Is there a petition or ransom note I can sign?
March 4th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I like how you made your head even more freakishly huge than Conan’s in the poorly executed Photoshopped picture.
However, I think you only work as a chick magnet for women who have a robot fetish (you know, the sort that used to get hot and bothered for Brent Spiner). Otherwise, frankly, he’d be better off with Gladstone as he’s prettier than you.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Swaim, my dear.
…Why is the gang logo a guy licking an ice cream cone?
Also, if you don’t do anymore S.W.A.I.M, I will lie down and die.
And I don’t think you REALLY want THAT on your conscious.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
“gee” mr. swaim why would you propose such a horrible thing? cancelling cracked tv?
just i mean, it’s probably the best thing here on cracked, wich is my only source on contemporary culture. So y’know keep it up an’ stop saying gibberish ..
or else >.>
March 4th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
It would be pretty great, two sex pots on one talk show (though being a ginger myself, the ginger one would win my heart and has over the past 10 years of my viewing Late Night). Though I’m looking forward to at least one appearance of The Bear Frantically Searching for His Cell Phone in His Fanny Pack.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
swain host droids have no rights! they cant co-host
March 4th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
“Also, from what it looks like on here, you could not only have sex with one female cracked reader, but it appears that you could have an entire orgy at your door within minutes. Who’s with me?”
i say let’s do it.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Within the hour? You underestimate yourself. You call, I’m there.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I miss masturbating bear already.
And we don’t even get reruns…
March 4th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
haha this was good shit. you would make a great co-host
March 4th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Oh man, you probably could arrange for sex with a female Cracked reader right now. (as long as that reader is me). Please let it be me.
God I have to stop being so creepy on the internet.
I approve of this though, if only for the co-host outfit.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, drop the Masterbating Bear…you had me right up until that statement.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Oh, Pedgerow, of course there are female Cracked readers. I happen to be one. I could make this entire situation play out to my devious needs, all while steepling my fingers and muttering the word ‘excellent’ in a sinister, Burns-esque tone. It’s how most female Cracked readers evaluate situations–by degree of how well something would work out for their benefit.
…Excellent.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
wonderful post, swaimy!!
-although i do believe Conan is already perfect-
he could be even better if you were there to help!
so… i’ll just give him a call and let him know….
ok, no, that’s a lie,
i like to pretend i’m talking to Conan when in actuality it’s just the mexican restaurant down the street…
they don’t mind.
they have good flautas.
March 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Anyone know Conan’s email address? He’s gotta read this.
March 4th, 2009 at 11:53 am
You could NOT arrange sex with a female Cracked reader within the hour. There are no female Cracked readers.
(Yes, I know, I’ve read the comments…but they’re clearly all just bots offering tallmingle and that other one about the manful babes or whatever)
March 4th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Arrange sex with a female Cracked reader? -is a female Cracked reader- Hmm…-grins- Yeah, you could. You really really could. -winks-
March 4th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@greengoddess
With just a few minor changes, you’re little poem could be a haiku:
Seven-ten A.M.
With my titties a-flappin
I’m dreaming of Swaim
I don’t know if a haiku was what you were going for, but if it was, remember it’s 5-7-5. And I know he said Seven AM, but we needed an extra syllable, so I took poetic license.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Screw Co-Host, you should be his replacement, I mean Jimmy Fallon? Really? I guess it just makes it more legit that he laughs at his own jokes more than anyone else. Also, from what it looks like on here, you could not only have sex with one female cracked reader, but it appears that you could have an entire orgy at your door within minutes. Who’s with me?
March 4th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Titties a-flappin.
omg. I pissed myself.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Seven am
With my titties
A flappin,
I’m dreaming of
Michael Swaim…
I think you’d kill on TV, Swaim, but to be honest, your humor isn’t nearly generic and overdone enough for late night TV.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:04 am
7am really? I think Tiggy would bite them- or at least I would train him to do so- mua haha
March 4th, 2009 at 9:41 am
As much as I love to read your work, please contact a different female Cracked reader for said sex. I’m still waiting for DOB to call!
March 4th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Hey Swaim, I live in L.A I would like to know where the prostitute hot-spots are. You know how it is, economy is tight, I need a job.
By the way, don’t go for the greaser look, stick with your Sherlock Holmes image. It’s great with the kids. But if you do feel like you need to spice it up, just add a pipe. Smoking pipes is all the rage with teens these days, so I’m told.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:46 am
@luckylostie: Perfect idea! That’s just good television. *drools*
March 4th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Swaim has always reminded me of Conan. He’s like Cracked’s own version of Conan O’Brien. Three O’Briens? But seriously Swaim has gotta be on TV to:
Secure
Watchers
And
Internet
Masturbates
(90% of the time I participate in these anagrams the M will stand for masturbate)
March 4th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Why wouldn’t you want the ladies rushing the stage “titties a-flappin’?”
March 4th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Why wear a co-hosting outfit at all? Hell, go in the buff. Your loyal lady readers want to know if there’s really anything to get excited over, ahem.
P.S. If you’re going to menace guests with your switchblade, all I ask is that you don’t stab any of the LOST cast members. Please, I really want to see how that show ends.
March 4th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Piss myself if he got fired for this article
March 4th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Hey, Josephine.
“Big head”
March 4th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Hey, Swaim, about the ladies lovin’ you:
Don’t get a big head about it.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Damn, I was just thinking about how Swaim should be the next Tonight Show host after Conan retires. Weird.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Good luck~! n.n
March 4th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Great as usual, Swaim. I hope Conan doesn’t use any of Leno’s staff. They suck! I also hope Conan doesn’t lower his humor level to keep the geriatrics happy. Screw them! They suck too! (Humor wise; lord knows I respect my honorable ancestors.)
March 4th, 2009 at 6:20 am
I know someone who’s interning with Conan right now. It’s too bad Conan’s moving to the west coast, he’s going to have to finish his internship with someone else, like SNL.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Jesus, I was scared for a second there that your stint hosting cracked TV really had finished! Don’t say things like that - I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have your show to look forward to every week… I might have to cut myself
March 4th, 2009 at 6:02 am
S.W.A.I.M. you’re hilarious! love the article, you should really submit a resume and use this article as a reference.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:37 am
PS. I think you’d be a great co-host for Conan. You could be his pasty whitebread counterpart.
Oh, wait a minute…
March 4th, 2009 at 5:29 am
“I, on the other hand, could arrange sex with a female Cracked reader probably within the hour if I really tried.”
Sorry. Count me out. I have to….er…wash my hair! Yeah, that’s it gotta’ wash my hair.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:54 am
It’s true no other Cracked columnist has such a swooning female following. Must be the 19th century lesbian good looks.
March 4th, 2009 at 4:07 am
“I, on the other hand, could arrange sex with a female Cracked reader probably within the hour if I really tried.” Really tried? Michael, you do not have to try.
March 4th, 2009 at 3:57 am
” I, on the other hand, could arrange sex with a female Cracked reader probably within the hour if I really tried.”
And even faster if Conan is willing to accept a Cracked male reader!
March 4th, 2009 at 3:41 am
“I, on the other hand, could arrange sex with a female Cracked reader probably within the hour if I really tried.” Well, isn’t THAT a ballsy statement, Swaim. As a female Cracked reader, I am appalled… I’d drop trou for you in about five minutes.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:44 am
I think Conan is great but an occasional guest-stabbing or two would make this the greatest show on earth.
March 4th, 2009 at 2:08 am
i think you really should be his co-host or his writer. he’ll need better writers now that he might not be allowed to be as slapstick as he used to be. you can keep him in check.
oh, and here’s his wife. dunno if you’d still hit it, but… just imagine she’s Gwyneth Paltrow?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:O%27Brien,_Conan_(with_Elizabeth_Ann_Powel).jpg
March 4th, 2009 at 1:03 am
@Pnewland07
If only you read more, your spelling and grammar might improve…
March 4th, 2009 at 12:22 am
why didn’t my comment show up?
March 4th, 2009 at 12:17 am
“And I’m warning you now; the first three rows of ladies will get wet.”
Best sexual innuendo of the week. Congratulations Swaim.
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Taking cues from Clippy, eh Swaim?
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Last show!!?!!?
Don’t kid around like that. I can’t go back to HBN. I just can’t.
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Haha. Conan should greatfully except this offer. Even though I already enjoy Conan’s show Swaim would deffinantly spice it up. Great read as always.