I’ll be honest, Cracked Blog readers–and it pains me to say this–but you’re not the only Internet commenters in my life. You see, while the discourse appended to these posts is almost always rousing, and certainly inspires emotions in me, those emotions are not always the kind that give me, say, hope for humanity. Hope for dick jokes, yes. Humanity? Well, sometimes I need to look elsewhere.
Where do I go? Any number of places, really. Sometimes I’ll get my fix from some salty talk with the boys down at the sailing forums, or thrill to the witty period repartee at the SCA. If I’m feeling really wild, I may even indulge in the decadence that is The Practical Manufacturing and Machinist’s Forum (click the lathe to enter). I’ve had some crazy nights there, I can tell you.
But usually, especially when I’m feeling down after a particularly vicious barb from Wallsy or I’ve just watched my thread descend into a flame war between lbh and…everyone else, I’ll pop on over to cnn.com looking for some reasoned, intelligent debate to give me some perspective. This week, I was recovering from someone’s devastating use of the words “faggot” and “meh” in describing me, and came upon this article.
The gist of it is that our economy and housing markets are no so ridiculous that we have the largest proportion of middle class, employed homeless in our nation’s history. Single mothers and retirees sleeping in their cars, going back to work just to pay for cell phone service so they can talk to their children, etc. All of the glorious trappings you’d think would go along with living in the greatest nation on Earth during its golden age.
And while I was initially going to post about what a staggering achievement that is, and how proud our children will all be of us, I am instead going to draw some attention to the conv
ersation that followed the article, because try as you guys might to crush my spirit, it was the most depressing sequence of statements I’ve ever seen in text (aside from my Elementary School progress report…a “Needs Improvement” in manners? With all due respect, fuck you, Mrs. Maska).
To put things in perspective, there are arguments that can be made about why this woman is homeless (she didn’t live within her means, she tried to hold onto an expensive house, she raised the kinds of kids who abandon their homeless Mom). But ultimately, I was forced to come to the grim realization they’ve got all the same commenters we do.
There’s the unbridled cynics:
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Her vanity led to her downfall.
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What gives this woman the right to live recklessly and expect us to bail her out?
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Maybe it’s time to get rid of her dogs. Get your priorities straight.
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A part time job? Get a FULL TIME job.
The flamers:
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You are cruel, heartless, evil little bastards.
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I sincerely hope something horrific happens to you.
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You can thank a Democrat for this.
- You can thank Bush for this.
The ALL CAPS PEOPLE:
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YOU HAVE ALL UTTERLY FAILED AT HAVING RATIONAL DISCOURSE!
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DID YOU SAY GET A FULL TIME JOB?!
The people who have all the solutions, and yet fail to run for public office:
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More people will become homeless unless we do the following (then there’s a list of things that probably wouldn’t help)
The people who hate the site but inexplicably spend their time reading and commenting on things there:
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How typically socialist of CNN!
Even the guys who want to look smart:
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These parking lots remind me of the Resettlement Camps from John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath.
If you really feel like getting pissed off, go ahead and read the rest of the thread for yourself. In the end, I guess what I’m getting it is that the whole thing made me kind of proud that over in these parts, we just argue about genitals and TV shows from the 80’s. And though I may occasionally stray, in the end I’ll always come back to the readers of the Cracked Blog (for the cocaine hookups if nothing else).
Don’t ever change, people.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael imagines the many editing projects he could have done with the raw footage from Indiana Jones 4 as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
June 17th, 2008 at 1:09 am
I thought it was funny how swaim said people will hate a site and read all their stuff and comment on it anyways just to bash it. I find that rather ironic myself. The majority of people on this planet are hypocrits in some way shape or form.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:27 am
wow! so huge dogs! I like all the big things in life, big house, big garden, big car, big clothes and the big guys I meet @__ PlusMeet.c o m___, where big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together!
May 28th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I won’t lie, everything I know about the United States comes from from movies and comic books. That said, I’m sure you have some kind of super-hero or wise-cracking cop who should be taking care of this problem with extreme prejudice.
*running gag about glendoor42’s wife*
*Casnadia*
May 27th, 2008 at 1:29 am
@lbh - I am that Neil! and it was 300. We got Swaim that anal and reach around, we got it. and I was just fucking with you. Would, you like some cocaine? maybe a hookup?
May 26th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
First of all Russia is no longer Communist. Second of all, where the fuck are this woman’s children? She has 3 of them…3. And unless they are all homeless, the States has the 3 biggest douchebags in the world. Unless of course she used to beat them w/ her penis.
May 26th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
“I can’t really figure out if Swaim is actually interested in comparing commenters across sites, or if he’s trying to smuggle contraband things like *current affairs* and *economic issues* into Cracked.”
Busted!
May 26th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
It’s ok glendoor, we can always be friends.
May 26th, 2008 at 11:41 am
If you read the article there’s a link to “Watch women who live in their cars »”. What do those smut peddlers over at CNN think they’re doing pushing that kind of filth onto the unsuspecting American public?
May 26th, 2008 at 10:39 am
@Metalbrainsurgery “hmmm, she lived in a million dollar home and was paying 3/4 of her income for it. She could have bought a nice house for 1/4 to 1/3 of her income and had it paid off already. Poor life management.”
No, she lived in an area where the median price range for a house was $1m. No specific figures are mentioned for her, just that she lived in a condo (wiki says: “The primary attraction to this type of ownership is the ability to obtain affordable housing in a highly desirable area that typically is beyond economic reach”), not a house. So that ‘nice house’ - that’s (presumably) at least $750K. And unless you guys have a different kind of ‘loan processor’ on the left-hand side of the Atlantic than us right-siders, she was never rolling in dough.
I can’t really figure out if Swaim is actually interested in comparing commenters across sites, or if he’s trying to smuggle contraband things like *current affairs* and *economic issues* into Cracked. People who comment on these things are basically queueing up to write some graffiti on a figurative toilet wall. What they write will have no more significance than that attached to it, ever. Funny thing is I love toilet-wall graffiti and would happily buy a book composed of it (not that Nigel Rees crap, just the lavvies thanks).
May 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
homeless girls. they’ll do anything for shelter.
May 26th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Bruce, though flattered, I’m pretty sure I’m not your type.
May 26th, 2008 at 12:21 am
@glendoor
Why are you coming on to Ibh?
Fuck that shit, I saw you first!
May 25th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
@lbh “Sorry Neil, but I’m not a whore”
Well if you ever change your mind let me know, Mrs.glendoor42 spends a lot of time in Casnadia, with her pet monkey.
May 25th, 2008 at 2:37 am
Swaim, I love you.
May 24th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
*Spam involving random phrases from the post.*
*dick joke*
*flame*
May 24th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Who the hell is that guy in the Ghostbusters t-shirt?
May 24th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Speaking of attractiveness, I use to have a pair of glasses just like the guy in the Ghostbusters t-shirt.
May 24th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Another reason why Swaim is the best writer on this site… apart from his outrageous attractiveness that is.
May 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Penis
May 24th, 2008 at 11:41 am
The CNN site wouldn’t page past the first 25 comments. The only comment I have on that article is that these are especially scary times if you are a single parent.
@Swaim: “watched my thread descend into a flame war between lbh and…everyone else”
I suppose that comment would give me some kind of twisted satisfaction, if starting a flame war with anyone had ever been been my intention. Unfortunately the early onset of Alzheimer’s has, apparently, prevented me from recalling any particular instance when I was brave/foolish enough to take on “everyone else” on THIS site. Consider this a blanket apology to any who feel I’ve disrespected them.
Truth: I really am a big fan of all the bloggers on this site. Being a single parent with a regular day job makes it difficult to understand the time and effort you guys put in here and elsewhere, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it.
Truth: The commenters here, especially the regulars, are half the fun of reading your blogs.
Truth: Sorry Neil, but I’m not a whore. If I was, I’d be elsewhere having indiscriminate sex on a regular basis, instead of visiting here in my spare time so as to avoid mundane chores like washing dishes, mowing the lawn and parenting. I will always think fondly of you as the guy who doggedly broke the 200 mark in the comment section of Swaim’s A.R. blog(If you are that Neil). No hard feelings.
*dick joke*
*nipple joke*
*Wiener Poopies*
Have a great holiday weekend everyone.
May 24th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Sorry, did you just say ‘golden age’? lol.
May 24th, 2008 at 2:05 am
I just slapped Hanna Montana in the face with my penis.
DOB’s abs.
Also, boobs.
And now, ladies and gentleman, I am off to be hilarious and quote Anchorman/Borat for the next seven hours. People love me when I do that.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:59 pm
ELECTRIC FUCKING CAT-MOBILE!!!! hahahahahaha! What the fuck is that?
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:42 pm
How typical of Cracked; wasting time making fun of message board posters! You Communists make me sick! Go back to Russia! I hope Swaim is run over by some kind of electric cat-mobile.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:27 pm
NO U!!!!
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
What I think is truly a tragedy is that articles like this take the spotlight off of Chinese earthquake.
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
ah! expensive hat, not fancy, man, i am just off my game today, folks.
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
dude, I am totally psyched to play some nirvana on guitar hero before I go see the arrested development movie in my fancy hat. I don’t care what that whore, lbh says. Peeeeeeeeeeenis. I killed an emo with my penis. it’s true!
May 23rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Has anyone blamed Hannah Montana yet? If not, allow me to be the first.
*clears throat*
I BLAME HANNAH MONTANA!
Thanks for listening, faggots.
May 23rd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I HAVE THINGS TO SAY
NOTICE MY OVERLY SIZED LETTERS AND REJOICE, CHILDREN
DIIIIIIICK JOOOOOOOoooooooooke…
May 23rd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
*witty reply to Glendoor*
*something about being Scottish*
*more boobs*
May 23rd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I think the only thing I want to note here is how infuriating the word (and I am using “word” loosely here) “meh” is.
And she both of those dogs look hardy enough to sustain her for at least a month.
May 23rd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
*wittier cock joke*
*overly intellectual comment*
*tits boobs fart*
Ross, how true, how true *even wittier dick joke and misspells Swaim’s name, titties*
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I find this entire discussion extremely offensive
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Where do they poop? On the bad apples?
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
“What we are trying to do is we pull bad apples out, and we put good apples in the parking lots and really help people out,” said Shaw Tolley, another coordinator with New Beginnings.
WTF!!! Why is Shaw talking about apples when he should be talking about the lack of penises in the parking lot? This isn’t an apple orchard. Clearly, there’s a penis problem here, not an apple problem. WTF.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:05 pm
They closed off the article to comments. Left wing commie pinkos!
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Sexy, phoenix??? What was sexy about this post? Did I miss something here, guys? Enlighten me…
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Meh.. Your’e a faggot Swaim..
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Wiener poopie!!
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
oh, dammit! I forgot to include a penis joke! I would like to apologize to all my fellow Cracked comment monkeys. I have failed you and shamed myself.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I’m only here for the cocaine hookups as well. I haven’t been around much lately, but that’s only because there’s been significantly less cocaine and even less hookups.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Swaim, my friend, you’re going to find the same “classes” of people on CNN.com that you will on any other “news” forum on the internet.
And they’re all going to be more annoying than the people here on Cracked.
Congratulations, Cracked readers, you are clearly more awesome than most of the planet.
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Really Really great blogpost sexy
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Yes! Crash the site! Crash CNN! I’m sure that a few dozen comments on their boardsw will bring them tumbling down.
Also, I was a little wary about doing a post ABOUT commenters, but I’ve gotta say, the capacity for self-parody you guys are displaying has made it totally worthwhile.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:21 am
If you don;t want to get a job you can always try to score with Britney like K-Fed did. That guy is set for life and the former hot-as-hell pop singer has morphed into this. Britney is K-Feds meal ticket
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:00 am
Get a job Swaim!
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:59 am
Or we could just look down our cultured noses at them, scoffing at their ignorance and time-wasteance, and lack of girlfriends/hobbies/recreational drugs.
Its nice to come to a place where penis jokes are appreciated the way they should be. I keep losing jobs for “inappropriate comments” or “inappropriate penis puppetry” its a real drag.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
I think we should crash that thread and give them some anchorman comments just to fuck with their heads.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:39 am
hmmm, she lived in a million dollar home and was paying 3/4 of her income for it. She could have bought a nice house for 1/4 to 1/3 of her income and had it paid off already. Poor life management.
*penis joke*
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:33 am
*wittier cock joke*
*overly intellectual comment*
*tits boobs fart*
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:23 am
Dammit! Do you know what would stop you being so angry? GETTING A JOB!
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:22 am
Cock joke.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:04 am
That lady could always find a garage and park in it and leave the car running. DO US ALL A FAVOR! I’m SICK of money being pulled from our defense budget for losers like her AND old people AND schools. KILL HER or the smoking gun could come in the form of a mushroom cloud. And this WHORE and her dogs will be the one to blame.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:47 am
Swaim, you still owe me for the last “shipment.”
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:21 am
Swaim: your momma’s so homeless, she has suck off parking lot attendants just to have a place to sleep at night.
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:57 am
Yeah, I like the advice that goes along the lines of “Do something”. Well boy howdy, that’s some intelligent, well-thought and helpfull advice.
Oh yeah, to applease Swaim:
Penis penis penis, your mom, A-Team, Hannah Montana. Penis!
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:22 am
Oh puh-lease. Everyone knows anyone can be be brought out of any situation, no matter how seemingly hopeless, if some helpful soul gives them advice to work harder. That’s what the last 8 years taught me.
P.S. GET A JOB!
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:14 am
… Wow.
Well.
… It occurs to me that CNN is, apparantly, exactly like Middle School. Except with fewer awkwardly stuttered curse words and “your mom” jokes.
Also, first post? I guess?