So as you may know, I’ve been beset by computer problems as of late. Problems so bad that there was no HBN last Monday. Now, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but basically only three things produce revenue for Cracked.com: residuals from Ross selling his life story to the filmmakers of Zodiac; Chris Buckholz’s white slavery trade; and Hate By Numbers. Accordingly, the Cracked empire swung into action to get me a loaner laptop.
And only 8 days later, the portable computer arrived. It weighs about 95 pounds. I think they call it “portable” because it comes with a handle and wheels. But it’s actually not as heavy as it looks. Turns out that extra space on top was mostly hollow and designed to house the gerbil exercise wheel that generates the unit’s power.
But seriously, I have a lot of people to thank for today’s episode even being here. And I’d like to name them:
I know no computer would have ever come but for the efforts of Jack O’Brien and Dan O’Brien. I know chasing down model numbers and shipping concerns falls outside of their usual ballywick of playing World of Warcraft all day and I appreciated it.
But that’s not all. Ya see, for some reason I was unable to save the media I needed this week, so more help came
Again Jack was on the job.
As was David Wong.
As was Abe Epperson of Those Aren’t Muskets.
And even Lex Friedman the star of The News on Cracked, The Week In Douchebaggery, and comments telling me that Hate By Numbers sucks pitched in with technical advice.
A big thanks also to Cracked reader and superstar Bakudai who did the screen captures needed for this week’s HBN.
And lastly, while I was busy bitching and whining, Cracked intern Alexander found today’s source material.
So yes, it seems we’re having an HBN Christmas after all. Feel the love. (Digg = love to neurotic, whiny insecure bloggers.)
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE.
And find out what it’s like to be Gladstone’s electronic friend. Or a member of the sexiest club on the web!
Last 5 posts by HBN
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
- What if WalMart Made a Movie (or Jack O'Brien works for a living) - October 20th, 2008
August 24th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I keep staring at that Hooters chic thinking ” You know King of Prussia PA. might not be that bad of a place to live.”.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
You’re close, J-Pappi! It’s actually a Turkish expression, when translated word for word, means ‘blue shoe wrapped in tinfoil hanging from a tree’. Yet it is more commonly thought to convey the sentiment: ‘Sure, I’ll play doctor with you from time to time if that’s what it takes’..
Strange how things don’t translate, right?
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Sorry, josie; I don’t speak Spanish. Does that mean you want a sandwich?
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Thanks, kingmonkey + [enter current ], for taking one for the team. I’d be honored.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I can post a picture of my oiled up titties, if you’re interested.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Quid pro quo.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Not at all, my dear. As W.C. Fields would say, “Young lady, I’m prepared to hear your whole life story.” As long as there’s a liberal application of oiled/soaped up titties and the like in your dialog you can be assured of keeping the attention of at least one of us.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Actually, my name is Joanna. Everyone calls me “jo”..I tried to get it as a screen name, but they said it was too short.
Hola Petra! I didn’t mean to de-feminize you’re name..I dated a Mexican, originally from Vera Cruz named Romeo Ruiz. And whatever you want to slather your breasts with is cool..I initially thought you may be male given the way you write like them.
No, hell no, I’m not a vegan. Yes, I prefer soap to fried chicken on my breasts. Oils, indeed, are preferable..but the slippery, massaging fun kind. No herbs necessary. Living in Hawaii, I am oiled up daily.
I’m not a feminist, or whatever the kids are calling themselves these days. I think JanisJoplin is batshit insane.
As far as being one of the REALLY cool kids..well who the fuck knows. The regular posters keep me reading and I’m a fan of Gladstone. I love men and everything about them.
Too gabby, you think?
August 21st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
petra is a mexican chick. Petra being a female name…surely not as feminine as Josie but not Peter either.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:48 pm
josie, I was being sarcastic about his friends; we are indeed all assholes. You’re not one of those “ivory girls” who refuses to get your tits greasy, are you? I mean, we’ll still like you and all, but if you REALLY want to be cool around here there are certain initiation rituals. You suggested pita; if you’re a vegan let us know in advance and we can come up with some sort of alternative substance to grease. Olive oil, perhaps, with a little fresh basil.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Yeah, and with friends like these, who needs enemies?
Is petra a chick? A Spanish chick? What’s the excitement in having breasts wiped with tortillas? So bread can work too? How ’bout a pita? Oh oh..to soak up the grease. Right, my bad. I wouldn’t know.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
August 21st, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Um, J-Pappi? Yeah Glendoor’s “friends” called him the devil, warned me he’s a slippery fuck, and one called him silly. Kinda sad, ain’t it?
August 21st, 2008 at 9:23 am
white girl? try beaner. but I wipe my tits with tortillas before I let my macho man squeeze em.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:41 am
I’ve always been more of a leg man than a breast man. I’m lying. I’ll take what I can get (which is usually mrs.glendoor42).
August 20th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Um, Josie? Apparently you haven’t seen his friends list. They’re like all from here.
Petra, what’s wrong with greasy tits? As a pimp, I can testify (not THAT kind of testify; hell to the nizzle) that squeezin’ on titties with one hand while gnawin’ on some extra crispy with the other is the shit. Titties by themselves be good; titties with 11 herbs and spices? White girl, please.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
BTW, the Bigfoot body is a fake (duh) and if any of you read or see these stories just remember, the man crying on Fox news that he got ripped off is Tom Biscardi and he is a con man and a liar.
This is the guy that had the press conference and said he had touched the body of the alleged Bigfoot. IMHO if you can’t tell the difference between a costume and a dead animal
you need to find a new vocation besides hunting Bigfoot. For the record, this is the second time he has said he had a Bigfoot body and when that turned out to be fake he sung the same song then.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Glendoor! Dude I was so worried. What nice friends you have..
August 20th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I meant to do that.
August 20th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Thanks MJ..so your saying it’s his own fault? I don’t think he should be in red then. Do the work, man. Glendoor.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:19 am
working on the digg gstone. I loved this HBN, yes, your face at 28 seconds was PRICELESS, I want to use that as my avatar. Sadly, this news story comes from my neck of the incest woods, only Kentucky would combine Leslie Lous greasy tits and Fidos hairy balls. Thankfully there’s no behind the scenes footage.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:00 am
@Josie. Glendoor hasn’t put his own name at the end of his link so yeah, it just goes to your own members page. Silly Glendoor!
@Glendoor. You’re silly!
@Gladstone. aka G-Stone. Do you mean this photo?! http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a253/la-reine-rouge/G-stoneSwaim.jpg
Oh and y’all can lay off my drunken, tired photoshopping abilities. Yeah, that’s right, I’m drunk. Woteva!
August 20th, 2008 at 7:15 am
I’m just glad someone has finally stepped forward with the truth about CNN. They’ve had it WAY too good for WAY too LONG!
As for Glendoor, he backed me in my “last” campaign, so he’s cool in my book. Well, it’s not so much a book as a leaflet, but I think you know what I’m saying.
August 20th, 2008 at 7:05 am
I loved when he gave you the cookies and the said “Yeah, I’m so forgiven.” Great comedy right there. While we’re up so early Gladstone..thanks for the openness and accessibility during my trial run here. Made me feel calm. For giggles and grins will you click on glendoor?
I’m so not worried about glendoor..I’ve read him a bunch..he’s cake.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:51 am
@josie: don’t fret. Glendoor is the devil. It’s not your problem.
@mj: If by “cookies” you mean photos of yourself in a “G-Stone > Swaim” T-Shirt, then thank you for the cookies.
BTW, on that back of that T-shirt it reads (smarter, funnier, hotter, less likely to rape a dog…)
August 20th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Okay two things A.Good. Ya’ll haven’t had this avatar conversation before. Nobody likes a dumb newbie.
And 2: I’m completely serious about the glendoor thing. Please click on him and tell me if it’s just my computer..
Frick..glendoor’s gonna be pissed.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:10 am
Glendoor is a sneaky fucker; be careful around him. I could SWEAR that was Deniro. Look at that pic and imagine it saying “You talkin’ to ME?”
August 20th, 2008 at 3:56 am
Red names. Websites. Got it. Yeah, I’m not a cool kid either. So I’ve been reading the banter for weeks now. Curiously, I click on the red. Fun. Yet, when I click on glendoor, it takes me to my own non-existent profile. Again and again..
August 20th, 2008 at 2:16 am
@ Josie Red names mean that they’ve filled in the ‘website’ section before they post and clicking a red name will take you to the posters website. Red names are for the cool kids or spamming. And yes, I know I just admitted that I’m not a cool kid *sob*
@ Gladstone aka G-Stone. My bad! Couldn’t help myself but in future I will try to post all Swaim related comments not in regards to his non-awesomness (go team double negative!) on the sites you’ve mentioned. Please accept these cookies as my apology *hands over cookies while making puppy dog eyes* … Yeah, I’m so forgiven.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:46 am
I’m gonna milk the newbie-factor for one last question..(although I’m in Hawaii and it’s still early here so no one will probably answer until tomorrow) Why are some names of posters in red? I get Gladstone and DOB, but why others? What is it I don’t know? Have they graduated? Do they hit a certain number of posts and then turn green next? Whoops..that’s not one question..
Mahalo Gladstone for the smile.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
pappi is high again. it’s not deniro.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Er..you wouldn’t mess with me, would you Gladstone? And J-Pappi, I never said the visuals were fun, thus the word plagued.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Josie, being plagued with visuals is only fun if you’re tripping on mushrooms or masturbating. Or both.
Good job again, Gladstone, but are you sure your avatar isn’t DeNiro? Not nice to mess with polite female newbies.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Be thankful you both only hear voices..I am plagued with visuals..
August 19th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I hear that voice for all the posts.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Now when I read Dan the Man’s posts, I keep hearing the voice of the little cartoon Dexter kid.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Blatant ball tickling is not a problem here.
Yeah, and it’s a vocal minority on DIGG. Ain’t no thing.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Not only am I giggling like a little girl, Im touching myself.
You people are my play things and you bite everytime I dangle a treat out for you..
Keep dancing my little monkeys.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Man. I was reading a lot of the comments on Digg about the video, and they are -way- too hard on you over there.
Fuck them. You’re doing a great job, Gladstone, keep it up, man.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Whew! I thought your cracked avatar was someone well known and I was the idiot who was oblivious to pop culture..I look forward to HBN (you look oddly like my cousin.) And in an effort to not blatantly tickle your balls in an open forum, I think you’re really funny.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
My Website avatar is Kafka.
My cracked avatar is some dude i found in a 70s Sears catalogue.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
@Panzer
I got a huge kick out of “Janis” too being the troll in the comments after HBN yesterday. Ignore the trolls..that’s what I say.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Okay..newbie-ness established..please go easy on me for this question. No, not the name of the song. The picture in Gladstone’s avatar. Who is it? As I mentioned, I’ve read alot..but I haven’t seen the answer. Many sincere apologies if ya’ll have been down this road before..
August 19th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
He’s scarily like that guy on the Metal Gear Solid post who kept ‘luring’ us all into traps.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I feel bad for Dan-the-”I-have-to-drink-and-post-hate-to-see-if-I-can-get-a-rise-out-of-anyone-’cause-I-have-no-real-friends”-the Man. I picture him giggling with delight with his latest success (he even makes a point to tally.) Just a thought, but what if we ignore him..would his head explode? Would he desperately keep posting rants? It might be fun to watch..
Hi, BTW, all..I’m a newbie. Have been reading quite a bit and the comments are as funny as the original posts..
August 19th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
MJ,
you’re not allowed to find Swaim strangely attractive on my blog posts. I mean that’s better than conventionally attractive, but still. If you absolutely MUST say nice things about swaim leave them in the comments section of his blogs on http://www.impotent.com or http://www.NotAsHotAsGladstone.org.
thank you.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
“Packing tits!”
That’s gonna be my new saying.
“Look out! She’s packin’ tits!”
August 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
They are mostly college girls, people forget that. Your waitress might be packing tits like someone shoved a pair of Himayalan foothills under a tank top but she might be a grad student in Petrochemistry.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Dan the Man, you just wish you were Swaim. Or alternately, Swaim you just wish you were DOB. And DOB just wishes he was cool enough to like Eve 6.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Random: last week, the local Hooters was offering a “Are You Smarter Than A Hooters Girl?” quiz. I told my waitress that I was pretty sure such a person did not exist. (She replied, “Whaaa…?”) Question #5 asked for the speed of light. The guys at the table behind us said 40 fps.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:57 am
I’ve always found that if you’re drunk and on any sort of internet site that allows you to post opinions it’s a good idea to disclose that you’re drunk. That way if you make a complete fucktard of yourself you’ve already set up the “I was drunk!” excuse in advance.
My last (and I think first) thought to Michael “Dan the Man” Swaim: I’ve nothing relevant to say but I find you strangely attractive… Unless you’re not really Swaim in which case F U MAN.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:27 am
I feel a pang of sadness for those who proudly post that they are drunk while posting on Cracked. I mean, is this your idea of a party? Sitting down with a bottle of peach Schnapps and posting comments on a comedy site? It’s not like you need the liquid courage– you’re already behind the veil of internet anonymity.
It’s kind of like that time, back in high school before Internet, when my friends and I got hammered and sent letters in reply to a local editorial in the newspaper. Yeah, we were that fucking crazy.
Personally, I don’t drink while posting. Remember that. It means that I have no excuse– other than being functionally retarded. Luckily, it hasn’t hampered my career in local politics!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Seconded, Warren.
The Messiah demanded that he, “Eat Shit”. So I can only assume Dan the Man has shuffled off this mortal coil via self-disembowelment by now.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Anybody else realize that Dan the Man just got served by the real Dan the Man (O’Brien)?
Stick that in your sac and get it removed…
August 18th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Dogs with no testicles
August 18th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Well now we know that Dan the Man is retarded and rapes dogs.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
6 replies, with 2 contributors… That’s a record. Thank you all
Since I’ve been drinking, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I like HBN, and Wayne is pretty funny. I also like to poke the hive with a stick and watch the bees swarm.
Is it a dick move? absolutely. Is it immature? without a doubt. But it is fun.
Dan the man will be retired, and I will post with my regular name… Michael Swaim..
Here is your last opportunity to tell me what you think…
August 18th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
“”Crunchy Says:
August 18th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
The dog nuts were mad awkward, but it was so worth watching just for a glimpse of the hooters girls . . .”"
This might be the saddest goddamn thing I’ve ever read in the comments section of any article ever.
Seems like an alternative would be to not watch that video, but rather visit one of the internet’s two or three sites devoted to that sort of thing. There are considerably fewer dog balls.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Poor doggies…emasculated in front of nice boobies. hmmm…now that I think of it, if Dan the Man is real and not a troll bitch, he could attain true misery by having his balls removed by a bunch of hooters girls in skimpy outfits.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
You know, some peopie enjoy misery. Their life is not complete without it. Perhaps Dan the Man actually fits in this category? Although, I could suggest better ways to live in misery than watching HBN.
Then again, maybe Dan the Man is actually Gladstone’s “troll bitch.” Gladstone uses her to make sure his post gets comments. Flame war or not, site activity is a positive, right?
August 18th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
http://www.onblastatlast.com is having Great Boobs Monday in honor of Cracked.com, please enjoy!!!!!
Hyde D Montage
August 18th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
If Dan the Man is retarded he won’t know the difference, so I wouldn’t feel bad at all.
Great HBN Gladstone. This Hooters neutered campaign is fucking retarded. When I think of getting my pets spayed or neutered I think of Bob Barker or Drew Carry who, both in their own way, kind of look like the end result of a neutering.
It also makes me think of a little Swiss guy yodeling to the top of a cardboard cut out of
the Matterhorn and usually plunging to his death. I feel sorry for him, the yodeling guy, just cause some idiot don’t know the price of fucking Lemon Pledge, he dies.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
It could be Lex.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Let’s watch our karma here, people. Do any of you actually KNOW Dan the Man? What if he’s retarded or something? You’d feel pretty bad if you found out you were making fun of some poor retarded guy with an internet connection.
Of course, he could just be an asshole.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
you told me in a drunken stuper that this would be about hooters. you said NOTHING about dog balls
August 18th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I’m glad people are jumping to Gladstone’s defense. Dan the Man is a plank.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
The dog nuts were mad awkward, but it was so worth watching just for a glimpse of the hooters girls . . . They’re almost as hot as the chicks from Risque Agency. Those girls are amazing.
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/showpage.php?showid=5
August 18th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Gladstone,
Despite the racist overtones I liked this segment. But what will they do with all the snipped dog balls? Probaably, just a way of Hooters cutting their overhead by serving the customers the very dog balls that they talked them into snipping. Tossed in their signature buffalo wing sauce with a side of blue cheese. dog balls.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
For real, Dan the Man, and I say this from a place of absolute love, Eat Shit. If watching HBN is torture for you, don’t watch it, (unless you’re training to become a very strict monk, and “watching internet videos you hate” is some kind of modern cilice treatment). While we’re at: “The Man”? Motherfucker, please.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Yeah, that was a kickass meeting.
Those cookies were great, tell Mrs. Glendoor42 for me.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:08 am
You know, Dan the Man, no one’s forcing you to watch HBN, right? I mean, unless you’re being paid by the comment, and I don’t think you are, since you weren’t there at our last Inner Circle Members’ meeting.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Come on Gladstone, take down that picture of my sister. My dad’s complaining now.
She only works there to pay for college.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Next HBN is gonna be why i hate my viewers and why i put them thorugh watching dogs balls after some tittastic news coverage
August 18th, 2008 at 10:42 am
God damn it Wayne, I was hoping HBN was gone forever. But nope, you too a shit and there was HBN in all its fucking miserable glory. I wish life brings you misery. As much misery as I get from watching your fucked up HBN series.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Dammit, Gladstone, don’t you ever publicly announce something nice that I’ve done. I’ve got a reputation to uphold. You don’t see me going around trying to destroy your reputation, you Eve-6-loving pederast.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I miss Lex…throw him a cameo, would ya?
August 18th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Maybe Señor Gladstone is Bigfoot, and he doesn’t want to give away his secret identity.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:52 am
All that was missing from that news piece was maniacal laughter. “Look at these breasts…look at these breasts…SHAVING DOG TESTICLES! MWA HAH HAH HAH!”
August 18th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Nice one Gladstone, although I was really hoping for some Bigfoot coverage; maybe next week after FOX has a Bigfoot autopsy special?
August 18th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Whew. HBN is back; I was going through hate withdrawal. I think I actually did something nice for someone last week, and now the hate is back. Bravo!
August 18th, 2008 at 8:07 am
… Oh and I totally dropped the k of the start of knew because being illiterate is cool these days. Almost as cool as refreshing Cracked all night waiting for this blog to come up… I need a new hobby…
August 18th, 2008 at 8:04 am
I’m desperately trying to figure out how this idea got past the Hooters ad campaign team… Were they drunk or just distracted by the large breasted women suggesting it? How is neutering your dog in any way related to anything that Hooters stands for? (aka horniness and alcohol)
American “news” never fails to astound me.
Look on your face at 28 seconds is absolutely priceless.
Merry HBN Christmas, G-Stone. We new you had it in you!
August 18th, 2008 at 7:50 am
It’s going to take a lot more shorn dog balls to get me to give up boobs.
Man, it’s starting to get weird how often I find myself saying that.