Well, six people won the HBN Contest, and they each get a scanned version of a Patrick Semple original drawing of me.
The answer? Here are the six songs that I’ve used in the ending credits of Hate By Numbers:
Morphine - The Night
Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London (Episode 4: Kid Rock Edition)
Radiohead - Stop Whispering (Episode 15: Better Than a Baby Murderer)
The Wonder Stuff - Bile Chant (Episode 18: Chuck Norris Edition)
5th Dimension - Age of Aquarius (Episode 19: CNN Finds Another Excuse To Report On Boobs)
Abba - Super Trouper (Episode 24: Japan Fights Economic Crisis with Real-Life LOLcat)
And the winners are:
Blame My People
Grandpapaw
Meg W.
Shana F.
Zack Zarzycki
Megan R. (MJ 89)
Congratulations to you winners. If you still want a signed copy of this pic above, just write me with the email address to send it to.
Moving on.
So this is the penultimate episode. (That means second to last — not “super awesome”). And with the end so near I’ve been doing some thinking. One thought is about how so many people have commented that Kid Rock (episode 4) is their favorite HBN. Yet, at the same time, so many people have also said that the show wasn’t any good until recently. See, that makes no sense. That is why most bloggers just don’t read comments. They’re not helpful.
If you’re interested, here’s a list of my top 5 Favorite HBNs and Top 5 Least Favorite HBNs. Feel free to leave your favs and least favs in the comments. All the HBNs are listed here. (Except iPhone for some reason. Probably the same reason Kid Rock is listed twice)
Gladstone’s Top 5 Favorite HBNS
1. Psychic Kids
It’s the longest one but doesn’t feel long. I think the beeps and skit both work equally well. It was my most ambitious episode.
2. Kid Rock
It’s rare that you get fodder this good and I tried to hit it for all it was worth. The video is very lofi, but this ranks high as the angriest HBN ever and the most deserving of that anger.
3. Twilight
This is probably the best paced episode of HBN. I don’t like rant humor because it’s usually too easy but I felt good about this one.
4. Most Dangerous Science Experiment
Very similar to Psychic Kids, but this ranks lower because I don’t think the beeps are as funny.
5. Jesus Cat
Ian Cooper’s amazing photoshop, CNN and Fox in one episode. And my wife nailing her part as CNN voiceover reporter.
Gladstone 5 Worst HBNs (worst to least worst)
1. Cookie Diet
Not that deserving a topic. I look like hell. The editing is a little rough. All jokes fine, but no killers. Forced photoshop.
2. iPhone
Experimenting with a different energy. Didn’t like it. Should have cut two jokes. Bad pacing.
3. Hancock
Botched the superman joke. Most of the gags too easy. However, for one of my least favorite episodes, it does have one of my favorite jokes ever — the one about buying heroin from a child prostitute
4. Nancy Grace
It’s very hard to make a funny joke about Nancy Grace because all I want to do is scream “I HATE YOU!” at the screen.
5. Chuck Norris
HBN is fairly apolitical. This was a deserving entry. Unfortunately, the way the clip panned out it was very hard to edit successfully.
Well that’s it. Tune in next week for the last one. And don’t forget to visit my website and become my Facebook friend so I can share my new adventures (if i have any adventures to share).
CNN Officially Kills Journalism With Pun-Filled Report — powered by Cracked.com
Last 5 posts by HBN
- What's G-Stone Been Up To? (or Tips For A Great 2009) - January 5th, 2009
- HBN Says Goodbye - November 24th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
November 20th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Damn! What ridiculousness! I’m laughing so much..K.
If I ask this fourteen times, I’ve asked it 20. I am known for sending out Hawaiian calendars for xmas..I want all of you to get one. joannadesimone@yahoo.com. Send me your address.
November 20th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
I’ve gotten tips from Gladstone in the past. They included such helpful hints as “try being funny” and “how did you get in my house?” and “how do you even know where I live?”. I don’t know. I hoped for something more constructive, but he seemed preoccupied with the fact that I was wearing his clothing and asking where his wife was. What a prude!
November 20th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Kingmonkey, maybe you should…you know…e-mail jack some of your work…or something. Or e-mail gladstone. I’m sure he’d be able to give you some tips, if not on applying to write for cracked, then about how to pick up underage women!
November 20th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I was going to make a joke about liking semantics, but that their later albums weren’t as good, but then it turns out there are actually at least three bands called (the) Semantics and I’ve never heard of any of them. I just don’t feel it would be responsible of me to endorse them sight unseen… sound unheard… whatever.
Anyway, I’m still hoping to get Gladstone’s job (despite not having ever applied for it). I think I’ll kidnap Jack O’Brien’s cat and see how far that gets me.
Lounsey, I once used a poison pen to kill a rogue beatnik dictator. You know about my super-spy, male-modelling days from Facebook, but I don’t think I’ve ever admitted to anyone that I’m anti-beatnik.
November 20th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Back-@-ya Lounsey
On semantics: Too early, not enough coffee and no college degree for me. What can I say? Would appreciate suggestions for a suitable alternative for future use on internets. I’ll admit that I was uncomfortable reading my post after the caffeine kicked in.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:50 am
@ lbh
Kid Rock was also my favourite episode, and has in fact been watched several times on request from my friends when they have been drunk, and they don’t usually have a high tolerance for repetitive viewing.
I’m not going to get bogged down in the semantics of the use of the phrase “poison pen”..but man is it tempting.
November 20th, 2008 at 8:40 am
@Gladstone: The Kid Rock episode was not only my favorite but a service to humanity. That urban hillbilly(we call’em hill apes ’round here) deserves everything/anything you can dish out for that abortion of a “song”. It poisoned many happy memories of my adolescence. If he ever decides to sample the Allman Brothers I will cash in my 401K and order a hit on him myself.
@Lounsey: Don’t pay any attention to glendoor & kingmonkey. As much as I adore them, I think it may be a case of sour grapes because the 6 people above won an autographed portrait and all they got was a shout-out.
@josie: It’s still a free country and you’re welcome here as far as I’m concerned. If you want to avoid the poison pen of those here who feel the need to establish some kind of high school pecking order, avoid posting comments excessively.
November 19th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I never particularly liked HBN in the beginning, but it’s grown on me quite a bit over time.
And of course, the moment I decidedly come to like it, it ends.
Alas.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
@ Tartra,
Both Paddy and Wayne said the same thing. But since Paddy is an animator and by nature doesnt really like still drawings (he said he goes off them quickly and begins to hate them), and after 4 or 5 drafts he thought this was as good as it was going to be.
I should probably also say at this point that I *loved* HBN this week, and also just watched Swaim’s video with Gladstone in it and lauged my ass off.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:25 am
@ Lounsey,
Your ’significant other’ did a good job. I just think he made under the eyes a little too dark. Gladstone does not look that sleepy.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Actually, your list was pretty interesting. Physic Kids was really good but I’m surprised the Most Dangerous Science Experiment wasn’t higher up.
Anyway, Gladstone, obviously this constant nagging about you not leaving isn’t going to change your (or your corporate sponsors’) mind(s), so… I guess all I can ask for is one kick-ass conclusion. Everything is riding on this last video. Certain people are guaranteed to like it one way or another (Josie comes to mind. She seems to love you even more than I do. Obsessively so.) but some are just waiting for you to screw up so they can pounce on you and ruin your going away party, horribly disfiguring your self-esteem and scarring your soul with their hurtful words.
I do kind of hope that you take a few minutes after the end of the episode to just kind of… do a shout out to your loyal viewers. You know, the ones who weren’t constantly belittling you through all this. Let us down easy, Gladstone. The realization that this the end, something that hasn’t quite set in, might kill me. Or at least make me sad for half an hour. Possibly only ten minutes. Five is more likely - this is a comedy website, I’m probably going to find something else to read, maybe go through your old stuff to ease the pain. That sort of thing.
@ Fiiz.
Sabbatical. All this technology and you can’t do a spell check? Get the hell out of Gladstone’s comment section.
@JCizz
Your typo is decidedly more funny.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:15 am
As far as I’m aware, Michael Buble is totally heterosexual.
@MJ… *you’re* a fail. You always have to make the obvious stationary related joke. I’ll bet you’re really satisfied with yourself too.
Notice that the Worst Hate By Numbers Ever(and the final shout out) is like 6 episodes ago and Wayne has been doing shout-outs almost ever subsequent week…. so the answer to the question mark is…no.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Oh. And actually I think that picture looks alot like that Michael Buble fag. Just an Opinion.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:18 am
..What.. in the fuck.. did that guy below (Blow) me) say?
November 19th, 2008 at 3:16 am
Gladstone is going on Sabatical. (sp… subadical, suhbotisticle?) Anyhoo, it’ll be good for the boy. Fare thee well and hardly hail met.
Yea, verily, thy audience is but Douchebags, and me the leakiest of all.
Good luck, we wish thee well!
November 19th, 2008 at 2:48 am
Turns out J-Pappi (Jon) is one of my best friends..Thanks GStone..
For this I love ..
November 19th, 2008 at 2:27 am
FAIL@Lounsey. It obviously means a really, really fancy pen!
November 19th, 2008 at 1:30 am
K So I
first came to know cracked from the messages on Wayne’s stuff. Metalbrain, glendoor, kingmonkey, greengoddess, j-pappi..amongst others, They were the funnest people I know. I loved the day to day.
I watched what you guys said for months.
I so felt a part of your day while not being there..(get it?)
Then..I joined. OOh..For like three seconds I was fine…
November 18th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Hell, it’s a great sketch, the subject matter’s the problem.
November 18th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I may have been drinking
November 18th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Hey both kingmonkey and glendoor. My significant other did that sketch, so have a bit of decorum yeah!?
Aw man I’m mad sad that this is the penultimate (which means, super awesome…obviously) HBN…. I dunno how I’m gonna pace my week…my schedule is gonna need a total overhaul!
November 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Zelf analyziz auf a bad column ist not terapeutic. Get help from un profezzional!
November 18th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I disagree, glendoor… it looks more like a very happy young Johnny Cash.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Love you. And one of your best was Wal-Mart Makes the Worst Movie of all Time. You did have a lot of material to work with there. I’m really going to miss HBN. I shall now waste my Tuesday afternoon watching the archives.
By “waste” I mean “awesome”. As a verb.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:01 am
YOU SHALL BE FUCKED BY A HIPPOPOTAMUS!!!
November 18th, 2008 at 10:29 am
As much as I hate to see HBN end, it makes me question, will Lex ever be back with Week in Douchebaggery?
November 18th, 2008 at 10:03 am
You’re breaking our hearts Gladstone.
November 18th, 2008 at 5:15 am
Psychic Kids was indeed the best, and I agree that all the ones with Raine and Stella Moon are great.
November 17th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
You know, Wayne.. Can I call you Wayne? Anyways. Ive had a real love hate relationship with you. Love your writing, hate your HBN (As well as those damn bushes outside your house. Hate those.).
But this one was amusing. It was less like shaving my balls with a broken whiskey bottle, and more like a warm bath of Gin and tears.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Kid Rock by far, “wait… did you just rhyme “things” with … “things” …. ” UGH
November 17th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I hate you for leaving.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I liked the psychic kids one best, but this one’s my new second fav. Maybe tied with twilight.
Also, good news! Found a quote I liked. Looks like you don’t have to cure cancer after all. You probably should though. You know… for the kids.
They should just stop getting cancer.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
@christy wigg
DUDE! it was my 5th MOST favorite.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Dude, the Jesus Cat episode was THE SHIT! I can’t believe that was your least favorite favorite! WE GOT TO SEE YOU HALF NAKED!
Oh, and it made me rofl.
November 17th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I like the Hannah Montana episode better than the Jesus cat episode, but other than that I agree with your list.
November 17th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
“And my wife nailing her part as CNN voiceover reporter.”
Dammit, Gladstone. You’ve been hiding this from us on purpose. Geez, what’s the point of turning 18 next month? I think I won’t bother.
November 17th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Why is there a hand draw sketch of a young Wayne Newton up there?
November 17th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
GG described you as having a “man-pelt”. Screw the video, that’s hilarious!!
My fave is still Kid Rock but I do love anything with Raine and/or Stella Moon in it. Love the face-palm.
November 17th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
This episode made me smile a lot. And I got mentioned on G Stone’s blog! Wooh!
November 17th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I hate to say it but I’ve never really found HBN funny. I did really like your writing, Gladstone, so hopefully that will recommence soon.
November 17th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Well, I’ve just re-watched five or six episodes, and I can safely say that after the “It’s #@!*&# Science!” one, I would gladly follow you into battle. The others have all been various degrees of “consistently good”, but that one has to be the best. It also has the best joke, where you say, “What about that kid? He’s at home!”
November 17th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
That might have been the the best one yet.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Your sign off next week better be: “That’s all…forever.”
November 17th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
My favorite HBNs were the Larry King/Barbara Walters interview where she trash talks Starr Jones (your timing was great in that one) and the alien one with the reenactment. Nice takes to the camera on that one.
Of course, my favorite moment was the Naked HBN tease with the man-pelt peeking seductively from behind the robe…
November 17th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
He hates you…by numbers! Oh, snap! I went there.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:59 am
@Riven Hale (and anybody else who *still* hasn’t read the million times Gladstone has said this) : He is going on an extended indefinite sabbatical to work on his screenplays. Also because he hates you.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:46 am
“Good night”– *knight* –”and good luck.”
I’m a little foggy on the subject … does anyone know exactly why Gladstone is leaving us?
November 17th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I want to like HBN because, if your constant facebook status updates are any indication, you care about it so much. Unfortunately, it is just not that funny. I would advise going back to your writing, which is funny, when and if you return from your “sabbatical.”
November 17th, 2008 at 10:17 am
If nothing else, I am gratefull that you itroduced me to Morphine.
Thanks Gladstone.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Stelle Moon is a comedic genius!! When are those kids getting their own spinoff?
Oh, and Psychic Kids was my favorite too because I felt you should have done more skits on HBN. Plus, you had some great zingers.
November 17th, 2008 at 10:00 am
The little girl doing a facepalm made people in my office look at me funny, as I was laughing so hard.
Gold star.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Stupid no sound computers.
I did watch a portion of the episode before people came in for meetings, but then had to watch the amazing acting of Raine and Stella Moon on mute…the beauties.