Don’t know if you’ve checked the U.S. section of CNN’s website lately, but they do this thing where they split America up into four sections to help you decide which part of our great land sucks more.
Well, in truth, that might not be their actual intent, but that’s the end result because they only seem to pick the most horrifyingly prurient stories they can find. The stories are in no way meant to be specific to the region’s particularized issues. There’s no terror alert section for the Northeast, no Hollywood minute for the West. It’s just stories about teenagers pushing grandmas down stairways for welfare checks.
So here’s the deal. I thought I’d give you four stories. One of them I’ll make up.
See if you can spot the fake.
And then vote on the most horrifying.
NORTHEAST
5 kids were removed from a home filled with feces, buckets of urine, and bedbugs. All of them were under nine. No parents were on the premises.
SOUTH
An Iraqi soldier currently at Fort Pierce, Florida was indicted for sending child porn to an undercover detective.
MIDWEST
An Ohio principal resigned after it was discovered he was writing erotic poetry under the name Antonio Love.
WEST
Cracked Blogger Michael Swaim attempted to rape his neighbor’s dog, but failed due to impotence.
Can you spot the fake story? That’s right. The Midwest. The principal’s actual pen name was Michael Swaim.
So, based on these CNN news stories, which section of America is the worst?
…and btw,
Gladstone’s Personal Weight Loss Update — Total Loss At Day 13: Three pounds.
9 more to go to no longer consider myself overweight. 19 in order to resume my old job as a Calvin Klein underwear model.
This entry was posted on Monday, March 17th, 2008 at 3:06 pm and is filed under I hate my co-bloggers, News, Swaim tried to rape a dog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 1st, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Haha, just a random jab at Swaim. I love it.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Ah, so this is where “Swaim tried to rape a dog” started. Ha.
May 12th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Thanks for the valuable resource
March 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I would like to defend the midwest and state that Kansas is in the south. I’m not saying that’s the truth, I’m just stating that… the thing I stated. Come on! OK, I’ll say Kansas is nuetral as it’s in the center, but I’ll be damned if I accept Missouri!
March 20th, 2008 at 5:19 am
[...] Cracked: CNN helps you decide which corner of America is goign to hell sooner [...]
March 18th, 2008 at 8:40 am
We need to get Swaim that dog sex toy from the disturbing sex toys article.
That being said, I love Swaim’s poetry. It has me drooling everywhere and chasing my tail in excitement!
March 18th, 2008 at 7:36 am
Okay, cora, why don’t you just… wait. Toilet Girl is available on tallmingle.com?
March 18th, 2008 at 4:20 am
WOW…so sweet, seems she is famous on a tall dating site~~~~~~~Tallmingle.com ,there are many hot models.they vote the most beautiful member each month.
funny thing…..
March 17th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
I thought I put an end to that 2 years on the john thing. She was actually only seated for about a month or so, and her skin didn’t meld to the toilet. It was just some open sores (caused by sitting for a month) which festered and stuck to the toilet seat.
Isn’t that better?
The answer is no.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Glendoor, videotape yourself having an epic battle with wordpress and maybe Ross will make it a nooner.
Swaim, I would release a press conference (to Spitzer proportions) detailing your “non-involvement” with said dog. You don’t want PETA to boycott your youtube sketch, do ya?
March 17th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I always thought Grand Wizard was a way more awesome title than Pope… We should swap the two around.
March 17th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Swaim always did strike me as the ‘inserts foreign objects’ type rapist. Did you check Muffy’s colon for car keys? I bet you’ll find a ‘thosearentmuskets’ keychain attached to them, and an ‘Official Grand Wizard’ keychain attached to that.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I usually like to come here and call Michael Swaim a racist, and I will continue that proud tradition
How does Mustafa know that Gladstone’s dog, Muffy, has (had?) black fur?
Michael Swaim, like his ancestors, likes nothing more than fucking with “black bitches”
March 17th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Goddamn motherfucking WordPress is not letting me post again. But it will post this comment, just to piss in my fucking Wheaties.
March 17th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I still think the midwest is going to Hell for producing a person whose ass actually melded into a toilet seat after sitting there for 2 years. Thank goodness the people in Kansas believe in intelligent design, because there’s really no way that evolution could have produced people like this.
March 17th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
So no one wants to predict which corner of America is going to hell first
or
Discuss how sexy I must look a full three pounds lighter?
Fine! I don’t need you. I have my dog Muffy. … Muffy, what’s wrong? Muffy? MUFFY?!!
Damn you, Swaim!
March 17th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Sorry, I misread it as RAPPING dogs, which of course is a pursuit only enjoyed by the more hot-blooded races.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Damn, you can’t even talk about raping dogs without being racist, can you?!
March 17th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I’m considering trying to use the tag myself, with pride. Like how people try and “make the N-word ours.” I’ll make raping dogs MINE.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
We’re Cracked News Bloggers, folks. We don’t make shit up.
So, the “Swaim tried to rape a dog” tag will only be used the next time Swaim tries raping a dog.
That said, I’m putting my money on six minutes.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
I’ll take 3 hours.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
We should start a cracked pool: How long before another blog post is filed under the tag “Swaim tried to rape a dog”. I’m going for 4 days.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
While I’m bashing that miserable douchebag Swaim, I hope you all actually remembered to vote for his video in the YouTube Sketchies contest. Follow the miserable instructions at the bottom of his last post.
March 17th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
I think the dog has had enough of Michael Swaim.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Y’all? All? How many people are involved in this twisted orgy? Are Swaim and the dog there?!
March 17th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
“Yeah, screw Glen and his hairy, speedy ass!”
No, no, I really don’t want to, but really that is between Glen and the rest of y’all.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
How can you fuck up raping a dog, I mean was it a rottweiler and it bit the shit out of him or was it a chihuahua that laughed at him causing the mood to pass for Michael, did he not know which end to put it in or did he not take his cialis and his mind was willing but his body wasn’t or what? I ain’t never known anyone to fuck up raping a dog, then again I’ve never known anyone who tried either.
His erotic poetry, on the other hand, is pretty good, to bad it’s all about dogs.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Resistant, but not invincible, methinks.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
You say that like it is a bad thing. The man is crotch-kick resistant.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
That’s true. And at least one undescended testicle.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Also, Swaim has no body hair.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Yeah, screw Glen and his hairy, speedy ass!
March 17th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Nevermind, Glenn beat me. Bastard.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
FIRST!
Oh and good read.
March 17th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
You could probably lose 10 from shaving your body hair alone. Zing!
See, I would never take a shot like that at Swaim, because the man has no dignity. Also, he has no faults that I know of, and he smells like cookies.
(FYI: I am a hairy bastard as well, no hard feelings)