Its common knowledge that the greater and more vital an empire is, the grander and more stylish their haircuts. The ceasars
What the hell? Clippy? Where did you come from? What is this, 1995?
Oh god dammit.
No, listen man: Ive got work to do here, Ive got a headache that would wound a god and youre breaking my flow. Can you just, I dont know, fuck off for a while?
Ahh, fine. Yes, I suppose I would.
what?
Hey, man, Im sorry to hear
OK! Jesus. I get it. You can stay; just keep out of my way, alright?
You uppity little bastard. I swear to Christ if you dont knock it off Ill goddamn delete you.
You wouldnt.
OK! You can just do whatever, man. Ive got to get back to work here. Just try not to be too intrusive. Where was I? Oh, rightThe Caesars ruled most of the known Earth in their day, and the rigid, firm lines of iron discipline in the Caesar Cut reflects this trend-
GODDAMMIT THAT IS IT.
Oh no, Clippy. Im not going to take you out. Youre totally right. I cant touch you. But whats this? What are these subroutines here? C:/Windows/Programs/MS_word/Clippy/Family?
Your daughter, little Clippette, your boy, Clippy, Jr., even your wife Wendy is here. Funny, Ive never seen them around. Must not be vital to the program, eh?
What was that? Im sorry, I was away for a second. Doing some cleanup.
I just deleted your wife. Oh, and whats that? Clippy, Jr.'s, file is corrupted? Little Clippettes too? Oh, thats just terrible. Clippy, it it looks like youve got two mentally handicapped kids to take care of now.
I did it, Clippy. I retarded your kids. Are you strong enough for that, Clippy? Are you strong enough to raise two motherless special needs children? Are you strong enough to take care of them, every moment of every day for the rest of their lives? Are you strong enough to do it alone? Are you strong enough to look into their faces and not see the love you lost?
Ouch. Rookie move, Clippy. Everybody knows youre supposed to go through the mouth for a sure kill. Do I have to finish this for you?
Right. So. Where was I again?The Mohawks were among Native Americas fiercest tribes, and the primal spike of the Mohawk Cut echoes that warrior legacy to this day. Sadly, however, the reverse is also true: The shittier an empire, the shittier the haircut. With that in mind, we present to you the 17 Worst Haircuts in The Ottoman EmpireYou can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots, where you can read more jokes almost as edgy as archaic word processing humor.
"I retarded your kids. [...]are you strong enough to raise two motherless special needs children?"
...a, uh, a bit far there, sug :/ I liked the article though, very funny :D
I have a meeting at work at 2:30. I'm standing up on the table right when they turn on the damn powerpoint and calling Cthullu. Hopefully I don't mispronounce my voodoo words and call my great uncle from the grave. No one deserves to be molested.
I hate Clippy just as much when he's doing that correcting crap, so I just keep him off. But MS Word always finds ways to screw us...am I the only one who hates the little squiggly red lines under stuff you KNOW is right? Great piece, I love Brockway's sense of humor.
Yeah, those f*****g red lines...in elementary school, they told us not to add words to the dictionary in Word. But my goddamn last name was not, of course, in the dictionary. So I just went ahead and added it to the dictionary because, hell, that rule didn't make sense, and just couldn't stand up to the annoyance of the red squigglies. I'm just thankful that it's possible to add words to the dictionary in that program, or I the agony of writing an essay would be twofold.
"I retarded your kids. [...]are you strong enough to raise two motherless special needs children?"
Reply...a, uh, a bit far there, sug :/ I liked the article though, very funny :D
Too far? f**k, "I retarded your kids" was the best line in the article!
beautiful
Replyyessssssss...
brings me back to when xkcd was relevant and not a sperg ranting about women
ReplyLove it!
Replyaw man that was f*****g awesome, i never experienced clippy, but i hate that piece of s**t
Replyyou freaking destroyed clippy
Replythe irony is Clippy is right - the article about haircuts in the Ottoman Empire would have sucked big hairy donkey balls.
ReplyRIP Clippy. Say hello to Amy Winehouse for me.
Wow, that got dark.
ReplyYou are weak.
17 worst haircuts in the ottoman empire...xkcd!!!!
ReplyWho's gonna take care of Clippette and Clippy Jr.?!
ReplyI'm sure Cthulhu would be happy to "take care of" them...
Don't rip the Ottoman Empire.
ReplyI have a meeting at work at 2:30. I'm standing up on the table right when they turn on the damn powerpoint and calling Cthullu. Hopefully I don't mispronounce my voodoo words and call my great uncle from the grave. No one deserves to be molested.
ReplyClippy deserves to be molested.
lol, poor Clippy
Replybeautiful xkcd reference.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI'm glad I wasn't the first one to notice that. I wish they actually made a "17 Worst Haircuts of the Ottoman Empire" article.
^ yes, that would be an awesome article
I remember the reference, but not the specific comic it is from, which xkcd was it?
This article was hilarious! I especialy (f**k you, Clippy!) loved the part where Clippy was getting pissed off! Great article!
ReplyR.I.P Clippy
Reply"I did it, Clippy. I retarded your kids."
ReplyThat's just not something you read every day.
xD
I hate Clippy just as much when he's doing that correcting crap, so I just keep him off. But MS Word always finds ways to screw us...am I the only one who hates the little squiggly red lines under stuff you KNOW is right? Great piece, I love Brockway's sense of humor.
ReplyYeah, those f*****g red lines...in elementary school, they told us not to add words to the dictionary in Word. But my goddamn last name was not, of course, in the dictionary. So I just went ahead and added it to the dictionary because, hell, that rule didn't make sense, and just couldn't stand up to the annoyance of the red squigglies. I'm just thankful that it's possible to add words to the dictionary in that program, or I the agony of writing an essay would be twofold.
Now to get that purple motherf**king gorilla.
ReplyI discovered Cracked through that XKCD comic, and then things came full circle.
ReplySame!