Apparently, there’s a bit of a feud going on between 2003’s American Idol loser and 2008’s American Idol loser. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s confusing. That description could apply to Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest or even the viewing public. I should have said the runner-up losers: Clay Aiken and Adam Lambert. It seems Clay “I’m not gay, oh wait, I am” Aiken is no fan of Adam “still not openly gay” Lambert. And no one’s more shocked than I. Well, actually, I’m sure many people are more shocked because to be 
shocked you have to actually care. And I care for American Idol contestants about as much as I care about discarded plastics: sure I’d like to see them boiled, melted down and reformed into something useful, but I’m also content to have them sit abandoned in a landfill indefinitely.
So anyway, it seems the feud started when Aiken decided to blog about just how much he didn’t like Lambert’s rendition of Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire:
That’s right. Someone who completely sucks trashed someone who completely blows. Hard to comprehend. Anyway, Aiken’s blog post led to a barrage of “meows,” “hisses” and other swishy animal noises, so he decided to “apologize” by issuing this statement:
Well, as contrite and heartfelt as that apology was, the story’s still not over (at least not in my own pathetic imagination). Here, for the first time, are the e-mail exchanges that followed
*****
Dear Clay,
I must admit that when I first read what you wrote about my singing causing your ears to bleed, I was a little offended. I mean, damn. I imagine it takes some pretty awful screeching to actually produce blood in the aural cavity. But now that I understand you didn’t actually bleed, everything’s a whole lot better.
I mean, your words carry weight with me. I’ve learned so much from you: how to perfect the least masculine hairstyles possible, how to sing in a way that appeals only to 14-year-old girls and middle aged women and, most of all, how to position my career so that I will work steadily in musical theater revivals for the next 20 years.
So with that backdrop let me just say that while listening to your last album, I thought someone with oversized hands had reached into me and forcibly removed feces from my bowels before shoving it into my ears.
In any event, thanks for the apology.
Maybe we’ll work together in the Des Moines Community Theater’s production of Cats next year. Fingers crossed!
Adam.
P.S. I hope you understand. It’s not like I ACTUALLY thought someone was reaching into me anally for real. I mean, my birthday’s not til January. It’s just a colorful expression to describe the listening experience.
*****
Dearest Adam,
Thank you for your kind words and for understanding my expressive way of speaking. Since first blogging about you, I’ve come to get better acquainted with your material and I think I misspoke. Listening to you sing reminds me 
more of having sex with women. I mean, everyone says it’s great. People can’t get enough of it, but every time I try, it’s just an awful experience that leaves me feeling violated and unloved.
Oh, don’t take offense. I’m not saying I actually sit in a fetal position, crying to Jesus and shivering the way I did after prom, it’s just my colorful phrasing at work again.
Best of luck.
Clay
P.S. Spamalot is hiring. Would you like me to float your name for the position of understudy to the go-fer?
*****
Clay,
Thanks for the Spamalot offer, but I’m afraid, I’m going to be too busy banging your mom for the next three weeks to come in for an audition. Oh, and I don’t mean actually banging your mom.
Best,
Adam
*****
Adam,
I hope you choke to death on your emo bangs you talentless, closeted, theater queen.
Clay
*****
I am so hot for you right now.
*****
Really?
*****
No, Clay. Not really. I mean it’s true that I’m secretly gay, but c’mon now. You’re Clay Aiken. The coyote ugliest American Idol contestant of all time. Oh, and when I say “coyote ugly,” I don’t actually mean that if I woke up with you I’d chew my own arm off rather than wake you by moving it. I just mean you’re really, really unattractive.
Good luck,
Adam
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The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka)
An Open Letter To American Express
Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time
A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30)
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Man, this isnt funny, you have lost your edge. The last 5 articles I read from your usually quick and dangerous mind were so weak I almost went back to re-read each one. Instead I waited outside the offices of your, well, now much less, advertisers and bitch slapped each one screaming you must be turned lose. STOP the Censorship of Gladstone!
Hope that helps. And if you need any further help with your career I will be available in 6-10 weeks or after I pass the psych test.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:17 am
You want to know what’s even more shocking? The above e-mails aren’t even real.
*dramatic music plays*
*crowd gasps*
Also, Sherryzumo is a faggot. That is all
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
sherryzumo- Did you really just write an open letter to a TV celebrity on one of the countless internet comedy sites that exist? The comment section does not work the same as a twitter page, so your efforts are better spent elsewhere.
Also, Protip- As a rule of thumb, anyone on a reality/contest show is going to be a drama queen. The TV execs specifically recruit people like them because the public loves drama, and that makes them money. Unfortunately, that also makes your Adam a tool.
Sorry :\
June 18th, 2009 at 7:24 am
@ SHERRYZUMO
Hey, if you are an ACTUAL american idol fan, go to a site where people actually GIVE a shit. I hope ryan seacrest’s dick breaks off while he’s buttfucking whoever he is buttfucking, because frankly, he is a buttfucker.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Adam do not comment with this man. He is making u come off as a common bitch queen and that is not the star we want to respect. Stay above him. Never write shit like clay did about women. OMG we are the public also. more than clay thinks.
You don’t want to cross us. Really u don’t. We matter. and we want respect just like your mother and grandmother want respect. Don’t say things you wouldn’t want said to the women in your ife you do love. Don’t queen out on us. make you choice and be a man about it. Queen is hard for a woman to turn a blind eye to. you want to be a star/stay in check with all your fans. play nice.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Wow I am female and never heard such bitch talk. Well Clay if women make you feel un loved perhaps u r more gay than adam. He at least said screaming girlfans was hot and just beceause he is sticking it to a man doesn’t mean he doesn’t find us beautiful. Gezzzzz how did u get this woman to carry your child? Does she fear you passing such judgement of women on to him. CPS needs to check u out dude or is it dudette?
June 10th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Agreed. They make me physically sick. I mean seriously why would you want to stick your dick in a hole filled with shit? I mean seriously…
June 10th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Gay people are disgusting.
June 9th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I was SHOCKED!! SHOCKED! when I read today that Adam Lambert is GAY???? WTF? He’s GAY??? This was even MORE surprising than when Rosie O’Donnell had that press conference and announced she was female!
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June 6th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Clay Aiken = James Spader’s little sister.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
ROFL! I just knew this was going to end with some gay boink. I was wrong!
June 1st, 2009 at 5:50 am
Oh but Clay Aiken does, in fact, suck an incredible amount of shit
June 1st, 2009 at 5:49 am
Wow, there’s so much bitching in the comments section, though not really hard to believe considering the title, though what IS hard to believe is the amount of gay talk between a lot of the people here… I mean Goddamn. Like, I’m not gay, but get some perspective. Comments means comments, not gay flaming. I like Adam Lambert, I think he’s a really good singer, but I’m not about to be offended by this in the slightest cause really, it was hilarious, as with everything else on here. Just saying don’t be so easily offended.
May 31st, 2009 at 11:05 pm
So… Gladstone hasn’t posted for 5 days, and today I saw a new greeter at the wal mart I work at. A black guy. Named Gladstone. Coincidence? I think… so, actually. But still: Gladstone, are you black and/or Canadian!
May 29th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Who cares about Adam’s sexuality…
The guy can’t sing for crap!!
May 28th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
… they’re distracted by all the cum seeping outta their assholes they had to take in from Seacrest and Cowell to get onto the Show.
May 28th, 2009 at 12:47 am
I was watching Idol once, and I realized that every contestant is worse than pretty much anything on my whole IPod. Aren’t they systematically selected and cultivated to be perfect singing machines? How can they fail against a bunch of rock-loving drunks on a tour bus?
May 27th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
@Tom Servo
…god you’re lucky.
May 27th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
What’s this tiff about homophobes? Eh? Nevermind. I’ve got a question for Gladstone to pontificate on, you ever been to outerspace? Because this is a stellar article.
lololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol
May 27th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I don’t know who either of these people are.
May 27th, 2009 at 9:04 am
… AIDS very soon.
May 27th, 2009 at 6:29 am
“Someone who completely sucks trashed someone who completely blows.”
Anyone else find that one particular line as painfully funny as I did?
Also, it sounds like he could be saying that someone who completley sucks dick trashed someone who completley blows dick
May 27th, 2009 at 5:34 am
lol….. I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site http://Tallconnectcom which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
May 27th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Maybe I like being an ass (or dick) but also, why would they put a comment box down here if they did not want comments? also, eat a dick.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Damn you Gladstone. I just googled Clay Aiken’s picture to see just how ugly he is… and now my eyes are bleeding
May 27th, 2009 at 2:14 am
Meeee-ow
May 27th, 2009 at 12:39 am
… Mercury?! Oh, forget it… you can’t be. He died of bronchial pneumonia as a complication from AIDS.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:37 am
To the previous poster, I think you may have misread Ayteesics post as s/he aimed that comment at the homophobes. NOT the homosexuals. And no being ass-raped for eternity (while appealing in theory) does not sound like a brass ring at all…
Also to anyone getting all up in arms about this article being homophobic, as a gay guy I see nothing here to be offended about at all. Learn to laugh you uptight prats.
Also I don’t need self-rightous over-pc tools pretending to know what it’s like to be gay and trying to make yourself more interesting by jumping on the human rights bandwagon. Homophobes are worthy of pity and little else.
One more thing…. DEATH TO AMERICAN IDOL!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
May 27th, 2009 at 12:36 am
French my package.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:25 am
To: To: AyteeSics (not really… but…) Says:
Reading comprehension fail. Try again.
Anyway, this column was freaking hilarious. More written stuff, please, Gladstone. Cracked, McSweeney’s, whatever. But write more.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:11 am
You write: ’so I could take solace in the fact you will probably spend your eternity being ass-raped in Hell by someone of the same gender.’ — do you really think your religious judgment would really deter a gay person (regardless of gender) for being gay because they may be ass-raped for an eternity?!?!?! Sounds like the brass ring to any gay person if you ask me!
May 27th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Andrewski posts - ‘I feel like an ass whenever I offer reviews on someone’s work…’ Yet not so much that you did so anyway? People’s dumb kids these days… can’t just leave a compliment (that was the start of your post) and leave it at that eh, boy? You have to finish it off with a slam (like your opinion means something to someone else). It doesn’t. You’re a dick.
May 26th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
This article definitely gave me a good chuckle now and then…
“Apparently, there’s a bit of a feud going on between 2003’s American Idol loser and 2008’s American Idol loser. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s confusing. That description could apply to Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest or even the viewing public.”
“And I care for American Idol contestants about as much as I care about discarded plastics: sure I’d like to see them boiled, melted down and reformed into something useful, but I’m also content to have them sit abandoned in a landfill indefinitely.”
…but I have to say I still like your videos more. You words carry more weight when you can hear the tone behind them.
To those who called this article homophobic:
I have often argued to excessive lengths with people about homosexual marriage. Those who aren’t homophobic are just Tax-Nazi’s who don’t want to pay an insignificant amount more to give them the same tax benefits that heterosexuals have. I have a homosexual uncle I never knew was gay until I was told about it by my father at age 13 (he knew for a long time). With that said, I see nothing homophobic about this article.
To those who criticized those called it homophobic:
Just let it go. Most of those people are either touchy about stuff like that because they are homosexual(which is justified and understandable) and those PC-Extremists who try to make up for their own shortcomings by wagging their finger at everyone else from the top of the imaginary Mount Holier-Than-Thou.
To the homophobes who reared their ugly heads in the comments:
I wish I believe something happens after you die beside decomposition/incineration, so I could take solace in the fact you will probably spend your eternity being ass-raped in Hell by someone of the same gender.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I liked the Ring of Fire cover.. I can definitely understand how most people would hate it, but I really liked the arrangement. It was a different interpretation, admittedly, and I can definitely see how people wouldn’t like it.
I’m definitely an Adam Lambert fan, but this was still a pretty funny article.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
I just have to say that I am not a huge fan of political correctness, but in defense of my earlier comment, I meant to say that your other articles are more cerebral (ouch) than this one Gladstone. I think you are a funny, funny man, but this seems to have either been rushed, or you are being influenced by the other columnists. Also, I feel like an ass whenever I offer reviews on someone’s work, so keep making us laugh.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
So with that backdrop let me just say that while listening to your last album, I thought someone with oversized hands had reached into me and forcibly removed feces from my bowels before shoving it into my ears.
That is the funniest thing I have ever read on here! XDDDD
May 26th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
lol….. I just read this on a hot forum on tall dating site http://Tallconnectcom which is a hot dating site for all tall friends and tall singles.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
I went out for hot wings tonight. I suspect I’ll be battling my own Ring of Fire tomorrow morning!
May 26th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
So I decided to look up the Ring Of Fire cover. I WANT TO UNHEAR IT. It sucked so bad.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
@el_eric0
I’ll marry you Gladestone
May 26th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I saw a couple minutes of this year’s idol season and unfortunately those minutes were that guy’s cover of Johnny Cash. My body seriously didn’t know whether to vomit or cry. I’m absolutely convinced that American Idol is a scheme to destroy music as we know it.
May 26th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
not impressed by this article
May 26th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
That was one of the few Cracked articles that made me laugh for the entire article. Gladstone, will you marry me?
P.S. I don’t actually want to marry you, that was just an expression of how much I enjoy your work.
May 26th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
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May 26th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
This reminds me of what happened to me and this guy named Butch. He always had to tell me that I wasn’t man enough to be in his gang. At first I thought he was talking about an actual gang of thugs who go around terrorizing people, but then I found out what actually goes on behind the closed doors of their little clubhouse. We lived in a very small, very cut-off community run by a sort of dictator who oversaw everything that went on. Apparently he missed the part where Butch and his friends, including Wally Mack, would “gang up” on each other for minutes at a time. I, of course, threatened to take this to the rest of our little “vault” and, when Butch caught wind of my plan, he threatened to stick me with his toothpick. It was a well-known fact that this was the nick-name given to his switchblade, but I found out later on that it was a nick-name given to something else he holds very dear (in his pants). I left all those bastards behind and a while later, while I was bunked in a place called the Weatherly Hotel, I ran into butch at the local watering hole. He tried one last time, in vain, to get me to join in on one of his gang sessions.
May 26th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
LOL.
Who really cares if theyre gay (Though it is obvious theyre both Flamers) but this article is one of the funniest damn things I’ve ever read. It summed up the feud perfectly and through in a little extra. you writers could easily be making big money writing stuf for comedy movies but don’t, then where would I get my daily dose of Lulz?
——— The Sarge
May 26th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Adam may be gay (who TF really cares) but Clay Aiken is a true fag in every sense (and sensory perception of the fact that you are about to crap yourself for the next 2 days whilst your anal region gets used to the idea that it’s been violated by the reigning czar of Fagdom — oh, i’m sorry, that’s Mr. Clay to you, fag-drop), and Adam has more talent in his pinky-toe (being a woman, I obviously will not address his nether-regions–although it does truly pain me that I can’t take him on an adventure with me that I know he would TRULY enjoy….hehehe….), so please DIE, Clay Aiken, because you truly suck much-needed oxygen from this planet and you just need to die.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
wow
This comment thread seems to be drawing in the “lowest common denominator” types of folks. I mean, even lower than usual for Cracked.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I laughed so hard milk came out my nose..and I wasn’t even drinking any at the time.
Funny, funny stuff!
May 26th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
… Eric’s comment offensive.
May 26th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Glub… glub… glub…. Mmm….(gassssp!)….Mmm… Mmm… nawrl…. uhum…. that be some great cack spooch my little Brucie. Now… in my bum u go my heavy-hung submariner!
May 26th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
even if I was straight I would find this offensive
May 26th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Rump Roaster! awesome! Well I had the unfortunate timing of being in Arkansas during this season.. So as nothing ever happens in Arkansas that twit from Arkansas being on there was about all anyone had to talk about!
Also don’t knock masturbation it’s sex with someone I love..
and I love the cap you! It means I annoyed YOU! so mission accomplished!
I wonder once Gaystone comes out he will then come out as a bear?
Maybe he can do a blog on bears! That would be awesome! Blogging is SO spiffy! (see what I did there?)
It’s like getting opinions from assholes I would never ask for opinions of in the first place!
May 26th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
…yet you have the time (and will) to ask Aermican Idol fans: on the spot for 3 past winner of AI!
Fuck… even YOU masturbating is a better use of time.
OK… now we want YOU to go away.
May 26th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Gaystone my man… It’s ok too peak out of the closet every so often.. Clay Aiken is a great first Man Crush for you.. He’s Butch & Feminine at the same time.
He’s basically KD Lang with a Cock! Also Shame on you for giving American Idol any more pub then it needs.. I want this show to go away.
I do have a fun game for people out there. Find any fan of American Idol and ask them on the spot for 3 past winner of AI! I have yet to find anyone who can do it..
Poor little Gaystone so smart and stoops to this poop.
May 26th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
The only bit of American Idol I’ve caught this year was That son of a bitch Lambert butchered Ring of Fire, and since then I have desired to see a news story about his brutal murder, and for the first time in the history of the show I’ve actually cared about the fact that someone didn’t win that “show” and then to make matters even worse yesterday I read that he might be “singing” for Queen now, who even knew that Queen was still performing, it’s a travesty in my opinion.
May 26th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Amusing… but your HBN vids are much better than your written work, Gladstone
May 26th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Not a good read, can we just stick with Hate By Numbers?
May 26th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
It’s clear that this feud is the result of homosexual tension and they just want to fuck each other.
May 26th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I cunt believe you called a person: Hobo!
May 26th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
man with 1,000 names, whatever your problems with me are, leave reese’s peanut butter cups out of this.
Fern, that particular phrase wasn’t meant as an insult towards G-Stone; i was replying to earlier comments.
May 26th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Very funny article. Good Job
May 26th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Haha!!!!!
May 26th, 2009 at 11:41 am
dystopic: SHUT THE FUCK UP you faggot asshole cuntwipe nigger butthole hobo shit pickle sandwich with squirrel feces and a fudge cake eating, shoe squeeking, window painting, table sawing, teeth cleaning, fruity toilet lamp television stapler 1985 reese’s peanut butter cup.
May 26th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Funny stuff! I’m glad I do not have such a tight asshole that does not allow me to laugh my ass off at these purposely made to induce laughter articles.
Oh, and when I infer I have a loose asshole, it doesn’t entirely mean I actually have a loose asshole….
or does it?….
haha.
May 26th, 2009 at 11:09 am
“low-brow in terms of its diction”? Have you not realized how absolutely ridiculous your diction is?
May 26th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Hehe, maybe it’s just that I was actually seeing the word for the first time, and I haven’t had time to develop the proper hatred for it. Now that you mention it, though…
May 26th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Danni, “Generican” was okay, but “sheeple” wasn’t? in either regard you make an excellent point about the dictionary.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:35 am
dystopic: Good comment, but please don’t say “sheeple” ever again.
I wonder if that little fucker found it’s way in the dictionary yet…
May 26th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I agree with dystopic.
Zach Braff needs to come out of the closet.
“Ooh watch me make out with these hot women on Scrubs! Women love me! I’m not gay! I’M NOT!”
May 26th, 2009 at 9:42 am
G-Stone: interesting timing with this article…
crying “homophobe” whenever a hetero speaks badly about a gay man is only a notch less ignorant than true homophobia.
making fun of closeted gay guys is a good thing. their refusal to be open an honest about their sexuality only validates the heteronormativity the rest of us have to deal with.
making fun of Generican Idol contestants should obviously be a good thing, but making fun of the gay ones is better: the middle-American mouth-breathers sucking down these recycled piece-of-shit albums are many of the same people perpetuating real homophobia, especially the self-denying, “i’m not homophobic, but…” kind of ignorance.
moreover, calling attention to the fact that these individuals are gay serves to highlight the contradictions of our consumer culture, specifically that the masses of sheeple are so oblivious to the state of their society that at least some of them can simultaneously denounce homosexuality while listening to engineered sounds of those two idiots up there.
G-Stone’s humor might be low-brow in terms of its diction, but he’s a lot more insightful and attuned than most of you trolls denouncing him. for fuck’s sake, leave the suburbs for ten minutes before feigning worldly wisdom.
May 26th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Since I’ve never seen American Idol (and I don’t own a TV), imagine my curiosity when, surfing the internet a few days ago, I came across a picture of a celebrity I had never seen. She was wearing a black cowboy outfit with rhinestones and fringe, leading me to believe she was a country singer or something. She had on WAY too much makeup for her to be attractive, and her hair looked like Liza Minnelli the morning after a crazy coke party. The caption of the photo identified this woman as Adam Lambert.
I was so confused. Honestly, the shit people are entertained by just amazes me. (Of course, here I am in the mosh pit with the homo and fart jokes…)
May 26th, 2009 at 9:38 am
The only people that would say this article is ‘homophobic’ are those frustrated rump-roasting, pillow-biting, yogurt-tossing, closet queers that fear cumming out (of their boyfriend’s butt)! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=26&sku=E-CD00299
May 26th, 2009 at 9:36 am
The best argument for homophobia I think would be the joke about Clay’s prom and the joke about Adams b-day, bc there the joke is MOSTLY yep, they’re gay and there should be nothing funny about that IN AND OF ITSELF.
But I see the bday joke as one Adam might make himself. And the prom one, well that’s harder. I just see the 18 yr old as sadly closeted and i’m tooling on that actually.
But I love these comments on both sides and think they’re good for the site.
May 26th, 2009 at 9:14 am
holy shizz. the response to this article is fucking ridiculous.
why is it suddenly ‘homophobic’ to mention that someone is gay?! it’s not like he said ‘HAHA CLAY AIKEN AND ADAM LAMBERT ARE FAGS LULZ!!1!!11!!’
that’s homophobia, what gladstone did was point out that these guys are talentless and closeted… can some of the retards on here tell the diff?
also- epic article gladstone, you neve fail to amaze me…
May 26th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Dear People Who Think This Article is Homophobic:
Sorry, folks…but I think you’re wrong on this one. If one were to do a cursory scan of this article, without taking in some of Gladstone’s trademark subtlety, I will admit that it might LOOK homophobic. But in actuality, I really don’t think it is. Gladstone’s point, here, isn’t so much that these guys suck dick. It’s that they just suck. Period. So the fact that they’re trying to generate some sort of feud to remain on the cultural radar is, well, kind of pathetic.
Also, Gladstone has been on the boards to respectfully defend his position. And he’s a pretty nice guy. Well…at least he seems to be. I’ve never met him. I suppose that, in his spare time, he could dress up as a clown and butcher the homeless. But there’s no real evidence that he does, so I won’t comment on that further.
But I digress.
The point is that it’s not really homophobic, and you’re probably being a bit over-sensitive. Come on, people! Gay people are people too! Which means that we all get to make fun of them, from time to time!
Thank you for reading this. I took a fair amount of time to put this comment together, and I hope you enjoyed it. As you can clearly see, my current job is kind of boring. I was recently told that I’m going to be laid off, though. So I guess that won’t be a problem for me for much longer.
Peace,
Pynal
P.S: What’s with that Doctorchaos guy? What a douche, eh?
May 26th, 2009 at 9:00 am
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May 26th, 2009 at 8:55 am
and i’m annoyed i missed the comma because it was the pause that got me.
shit
May 26th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Gladstone: You are one of the smartest and funniest writers around. To my mind; no apology is necessary. I personally didn’t find your post offensive. Unfortunately; we live in a society where just calling something, or someone, “the gayest” “or homo” is a very easy laugh. What that says about our culture is a whole different matter. You just don’t normally go for the easiest laugh.
I look forward to your future work. You are a very talented person.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:54 am
oh my god i lol’d at “No Clay.”
fucking excellent work
May 26th, 2009 at 8:41 am
ummm homophobia is ALWAYS laugh inducing material
May 26th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I DON’T think these gentlemen are useless BECAUSE they’re gay. I just despise mere singing “entertainers” with no inherent musical vision. Sorry if any of the gibes wer mistaken for homophobia. I can see that. Not my intent.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:30 am
usually you’re funny but homophobia simply isn’t laugh inducing material
May 26th, 2009 at 8:23 am
LOL Gladstone coming in for the win once more.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Go suck your Momma’s dick!
May 26th, 2009 at 8:05 am
All right and a gay blogger to bring us up to date on shit I dont care about! Thanks Gaystone
May 26th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Some fucktard butchered Ring Of Fire?
On American Idol?
I heard that katharine mcphee and uh… some other talentless turd are going to sing Stairway to heaven, and instead of awesome Jimmy Page, shitty Slash will play the guitar.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Is it just my imagination, or does Adam Lambert look like a butch lesbian?
May 26th, 2009 at 7:48 am
[...] the rest of this great post here Share and [...]
May 26th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Loved it! And I personally think hairy pecs are sexy!
May 26th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I’m not going to waste space with some long, drawn out analysis.
It was hilarious.
Good job, Gladstone!
May 26th, 2009 at 7:44 am
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May 26th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Oh, suck my million $ a week cock, fucker!
May 26th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I’d like to start out by saying I don’t give half a shit about American Idol. It’s basically a charity show for people who are bad at something and then get paid to do it anyway, while we are forced to watch them. Think retards preparing your food with no sneeze guard at Subway.
I haven’t heard this anus sing Ring of Fire, but I’m pretty sure Johnny Cash is haunting him right now. A “musician” butchering that is like a priest ramming a cross up his ass.
I don’t give a shit that Clay Aiken is gay. What I do care about is that he is so damn ugly, and he’s there every time I turn around. I can’t turn on the TV or open a magazine without seeing his mutated fetus looking mug. He looks like a bunch of idiot American Idol scientists tried to clone Barry Manilow and and took him out of the vat too soon. Fuck everyone. I hope you go to hell for creating and watching that kind of garbage television.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Honey, I’m sorry I never breastfed you and it turned you into an evil little prick. I will brestfeed you now if you stop harassing the internets.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:25 am
My dick pulled out the scabs from her twat she said you pounded into her… nice work buddy. I taught your Mom that think you like her to do to your ball sack (minus 1 testie). She was straddling the gauze, so I had to nail her in the crapper (again), but she didn’t mind, and neither did I. She’s such a circus freak… what’s with that third tit?! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=32&sku=E-CD00410
May 26th, 2009 at 7:21 am
I didn’t think it was the funniest article you’ve written but I still enjoyed it.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:11 am
WOW Gladstone, I see you still have a penthouse apartment in SUCKSVILLE!
What happened to hate by numbers? Have I mentioned that 99% of your written stuff is fucking shit? And you want to write a screenplay? HA!
I just came over from SWAIMS latest vid and I gotta make a comparison here. As an analogy, let’s talk walls. SWAIMS contribution is basically the great wall of China. It’s a wonder of the world, it’s amazing to look at and inspires great things. Your article on the other hand is a shitty little white picket fence that has ben left to rot for 50 years. Missing pickets, flaking paint, mold, and piles of doghshit all around.
How can all this negativity not penetrate your chest hair and sink right into your heart? Surely you must be second guessing yourself by now? Look deep and realise the suck within. Time to get funny or retire mr furry pecs.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:40 am
The only thing more asinine than posting “First!” and jumping up and down as if you’d actually done something worth celebrating is posting “First!” when you weren’t even able to fire off a thoughtless post celebrating how quickly you were able to write and submit said thoughtless post before someone else input their comment successfully. Congratulations, crow zampano, you’re but the latest in a long line of utter failures. To borrow a line from the brilliant DOB: Eat ALL the dicks.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I can see Mark and Andrew’s point, honestly. But for me, the humor here is not about saying “hey look at the silly gay guys.” I dislike Aiken and Lambert because I care about music and to me they are just disposable, replaceable, interchangeable, singers destined to be notable for a few minutes and then do traveling theater. With regard to sexuality, I took issue only with their closeted-ness, not their orientation. Straight or gay those are two very mediocre, weaselly guys.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Aww, Mark didn’t get the highest levels of intelligent humor he looks for when coming to cracked.com, a place that recycles dick and fart jokes like they were a finite resource. And to cry about it, he made a sarcastic post. You know, I’m upset that I don’t get my New York Times-style laughs from cracked.com, too! AND I’m making a sarcastic post about how you’re a douche! We should team up like the Wonder Twins! Form of… A Post Complaining About Low-Brow Humor On A Low-Brow Humor Website! Shape of… An Equally Complaining Rebuttal!
May 26th, 2009 at 6:29 am
THIS JUST IN:
EVERYONE! MARK DID NOT LIKE THE ARTICLE. HE DISLIKED IT SO MUCH THAT HE WROTE ABOUT IT IN SOMETHING THAT PROBABLY TOOK HIM A GOOD HALF-HOUR TO COME UP WITH. EVERYONE, JOIN HIS MOTHER IN HER SCORN OF HIM!
THAT IS ALL.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:13 am
That was some serious lowest common denominator there Gladstone.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Using the concepts of “gayest” and “homo” are just so darn funny. It takes the insightful wit of a Carrot Top or a Junior High School yearbook editor to come up with that kind of highly evolved hilarity. Congrats on once again moving the bar on satire to levels not seen since the groundbreaking third season of television’s landmark comedy “The Facts Of Life’.
And, hey, what’s up with Airline food anyway?
May 26th, 2009 at 5:29 am
The discarded plastics line was honestly the funniest single line I’ve read on Cracked ever.
That I can think of right now. But seriously, I laughed hard enough to wake up my roommate.
May 26th, 2009 at 5:22 am
[...] post by Gladstone aggregated by [...]
May 26th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Just wanted to say a quick happy birthday to ginganinja2507. Hope you enjoy it buddy.
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May 26th, 2009 at 5:08 am
Um I’m just saying I really like Clay Aiken and may or may not have bought his first cd. I also may or may not have been really depressed when I left it in my rental car a few years ago. The rental car was a Volvo station wagon. So I may or may not have been 20, listening to Clay Aiken, in a Volvo station wagon.
Don’t judge me.
May 26th, 2009 at 4:58 am
that was great
May 26th, 2009 at 4:25 am
“And I care for American Idol contestants about as much as I care about discarded plastics: sure I’d like to see them boiled, melted down and reformed into something useful, but I’m also content to have them sit abandoned in a landfill indefinitely.”
your true talent is subtlety.
May 26th, 2009 at 4:13 am
that couldve been better
I laughed but it should be longer
May 26th, 2009 at 4:09 am
first!
May 26th, 2009 at 4:08 am
happy birthday to me!