If a gay man is asked his sexual orientation in the forest, does he make a sound? Not if the gay man is Clay Aiken. Once again, people are hounding the former American Idol contestant for answers on his gayosity, and mums the word.

Specifically, the allegedly heterosexual elders of a Wichita Kansas church are demanding “I’m not gay” assurances from Aiken before he is allowed to perform in their Christmas Church concert.

Man, it gets harder to be Christian every day. I mean, I knew the whole pre-marital sex thing was bad. And gay sex was REALLY bad. But I had no idea it was a sin to listen to gay people sing. I knew I was going to hell, but not because I own Bohemian Rhapsody. What about all those Christ-lovin’ people who grooved to Wham before they knew better? Ouch.

In what can only be described as horribly frightening and familiar the pastor of the church bent over backwards for Aiken and was behind him all the way:

[T]he pastor… declar[ed] Aiken was a Christian who didn’t ‘drink, smoke, swear or womanise.’ The clergyman also recalled interviews Aiken gave to Rolling Stone magazine and an internet site, in which he stated he was not gay.

That sounds like a pretty solid defense to me. Of course, I predict the elders will persist with their inquisition, pressuring Aiken for the right to verify that his cock tastes “sin free.”

Last 5 posts by Gladstone

• The Trials of Gladstone (as told by Franz Kafka) - November 1st, 2009
• An Open Letter To American Express - October 25th, 2009
• Adam Lambert vs. Clay Aiken: The Gayest Feud of All-Time - May 26th, 2009
• A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30) - May 18th, 2009
• 3 Classic April Fool's Day Pranks! - March 26th, 2009