It’s no mystery that our economy is in trouble. The financial upheavals caused by lazy poor people have affected all of us, even me. In fact, especially me. Why just this week, for the first time in years, I was reduced to snorting cocaine off of an average-class hooker’s ass. I felt so defiled afterward I puked Goldschlager all over the console of my private plane, Air Force Fun.
But, as always, I must remain stalwart, and keep a cool head about me. I’m not the type to jump to conclusions. Therefore, you should understand how serious I am when I say that after reading this article about the widening gap between the rich and poor worldwide, I am officially predicting a violent class war that will leave millions dead. Not thousands. Millions. LOOK AT THESE CHARTS.
Statistics are like these hips; they don’t lie. That’s why I’ve put together this little guide, to help the only people in the world I give a damn about: my readers. You guys. My Mom? Fuck my Mom. But then she started reading my blog, so we’re cool again. So listen up Mommy, or end up dead in a gutter with your skull collapsed by a gold brick.
Also, are you making ham for Thanksgiving? You really should.
HOW TO NOT DIE WHEN THE GOVERNMENTS OF THE WORLD COLLAPSE
The first thing to determine when taking part in a bloody class war is which class you belong to. Remember, the middle class has been dissolved, either through greed and failed economic policy, or in vats of acid. Class wars aren’t some bullshit sport like soccer: there are two teams, and two teams only. The rich. And the poor.
Which are you? Use this simple quiz to find out!
1. An animal head in your house is likely to be:
a) Decorative.
b) Sustenance.
2. Your preferred mode of transport involves:
a) Complimentary massage.
b) Wrapping more newspaper around your stumps.
3. Quick! Look in your wallet!
a) I can’t; I have a man who carries my wallet, and he’s in the other wing.
b) I can’t; I sold it to help with the childrens’ college funds, but then, having nowhere to put the money, bought gin instead.
4. If you were a tree, what kind would you be?
a) The kind that drives an Astin Martin Vanquish.
b) The Christmas Tree from A Charlie Brown Christmas.
5. How would your broker most likely describe you?
a) “Daddy.”
b) “Who are you? Get away from me. Jesus, you stink.”
If you answered “a” a majority of times, congratulations! You’re rich. You will be targeted by thousands upon thousands of desperate, lonely people who want to take your wealth away by any means necessary.
If you answered “b” a majority of times, or stopped reading the questions due to illiteracy, you are likely poor. You should immediately acquire a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a mop handle.
Now that you’ve determined what side you’ll be representing in the People’s Glorious Revolution, it’s time to prepare yourself for the coming bloodbath. Follow a few of my simple, common sense tips and you’ll stand a good chance of making it to the next People’s Glorious Revolution in one piece (six at most).
And remember: If you’re poor, only read the poor section. If you’re rich, only read the rich section. I don’t want any nosy nellies ruining the class war for me. Again.
FOR POOR EYES ONLY
•The rich may have advanced laser weapons and Hydrogen bombs, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fight back. With the right mindset, virtually everything around you can be used as a weapon. See that mug of hot coffee? Consider it an ineffective hand grenade. What about that hot stove you slave over eight hours a day? Cover it with leaves, toss a fabergé egg in there, and wait. What about that old Smith and Wesson your Pa left you? You could sell it and buy some pens. Pens make excellent makeshift blow dart tubes.
•Remember, all you’ve really got going for you is numbers. By the very definition of class war, there are way more of you than there are rich people. If you expect to win, you’ve got to take full advantage of that fact. Rich guy surrounded by a moat? Corpse pontoon. Hard-to-reach parapet? Corpse tower. Don’t limit yourselves. With enough corpses, anything is possible.
•Prioritize your looting: a plasma screen may seem like the hot item right now, but after power goes down nation-wide and gas kills all the crops, those cans of beans are going to look a lot more appetizing.
•If all else fails, play the pity card. A moving address from a simple person with a humble heart can sway even the most jaded, entitled oil tycoon. Then, right when they’re tearing up, BAM! with the mug of coffee.
•If even the pity card fails, go for the disgust card. You may be used to the fetid smell of human and animal waste clinging to your body at all times, but I assure you, the rich are not. A quick roll in some offal before mobbing a bank can buy you valuable time while guards debate whether to toss their tear gas canisters or lose their lunches.
•When it comes to rewriting the Constitution of your country, try to get in on the ground floor. If possible, get yourself named emperor. It may not seem like a big deal now, but you’ll thank me later.
•Storm windows save you hundreds in heating bills over the long run. It’s just good sense.
DIAMONDS AREN’T FOREVER
•The poor are going to be fighting dirty, and coming at you fast and hard, so it’s important to start prepping now. Gun turrets, escape tunnels, electrified attack dogs; now is the time. I know you hate spending all that precious money of yours, but pony-ing up some dough now will save you the expense of robotic replacement legs later. Although, come to think of it, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.
•The poor can use improvised weapons, and so can you. I know you haven’t lifted anything heavier than a fine Cuban cigar in decades, but there are plenty of low-impact ways for you to defend your homestead. A light push will suffice to send most medium-sized vats of molten ore tumbling down upon the filthy masses, and nothing says “lay off my Monets” like wildly swinging a gunny sack full of candelabras.
•Did you know cars are responsible for an average of 1.2 million deaths a year? Pretty low, I know. Have your chauffeur put the pedal to the metal and see if you can’t up that average. Bonus tip: a little Pledge and some elbow grease will do wonders for blood, teeth and any other miscellany that may get stuck to the grill.
•You have missiles. Use them. On poor people. Your property values will thank you.
•Jonathan Swift once penned a satirical article entitled “A Modest Proposal,” in which he suggested that the rich devour the nation’s poor children. I’m not going to comment on that, but I will say that in a time of war, who can say what’s satire and what isn’t? Not the poor babies you’ll be eating, that’s for damn sure.
•Do not rely on your friends. They will abandon you. A lifetime of privilege and shiftless bloodsucking has left you all mistrusting and equally untrustworthy. To make matters worse, you may be under siege for months, even years (the poor are notorious loiterers). Instead, seek companionship from your vast collection of original-run books, wax cylinder recordings of Edison, and many mistresses. If you still feel unsatisfied spiritually, all you need to make friends with Woodrow Wilson is a hundred thousand dollar bill and some rudimentary origami skills.
•If it seems like you’re about to be captured, try and act poor. Do poor people stuff, like eating chips from a can or saying “ain’t.” Sure it’s unpalatable, but it may just save your soon-to-be-stinking hide. For a little extra insurance, try putting your rich clothes on one of the servants who doesn’t speak English.
And to both sides, remember: though a class war may be fought with crowbars and helicopter-mounted miniguns, ultimately, it’s a war of ideas.
So aim for the head.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael incites rebellion as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- 2012 ... The Realistic Edition - January 7th, 2009
- The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 - December 29th, 2008
- The 8 Best Internet Sketch Troupes Whose Initials Aren't TAM - December 15th, 2008
- The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush - December 11th, 2008
- How Can We Be In A Recession If We've Got So Much Money? - December 10th, 2008
November 25th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I was in my counting house for the last month so I missed this article. But my broker read it and got in early on all the panic room IPOs. He thanks you for the tip.
November 21st, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Have you read Steven Colbert’s book “I Am America and So Can You”? This sounds kind of like it. But this is good too. If you haven’t read it try reading it espesially the chapter called Class War.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Poor people of all lower class urban areas unite! You have nothing to lose but that weird smell that combines everything that’s wrong with humanity, but you’ll probably keep that anyway.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I’d say on average, poor people are more inventive when it comes to killing people.
November 6th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Typo **shoots self in head** SWAIM, you are my new favorite blogger.
November 6th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Epic. Swain, you are my new favorite blogger.
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
thankyou for the advice
November 3rd, 2008 at 11:42 am
“So aim for the head.”
Awesome. Just awesome. Nicely done, Swaim.
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 am
Two references to Jonathan Swift in the past month. Willie remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms…
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
“Not the poor babies you’ll be eating, that’s for damn sure.”
Gold, Swaim. Gold, my man.
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Rich or poor, can’t we all agree that it’s fundamentally wrong to eat ham for Thanksgiving?
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:53 am
Freud, you’re hired!
That’s exactly the condescending attitude I need for my party when we take on the rich.
November 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 am
Panzer, also please note that one lovable and possibly charismatic individual must be included in your horde, expressly for the purpose of martyrdom. This will ensure you have full opportunity to look up from the body of your beloved fallen comrade, eyes brimming with masculine, dignified tears, and vow that his death shall be avenged. The benefit here is in ensuring that YOU are not the charismatic and lovable character to be killed to garner sympathy.
Unless of course you are in a comedy, in which case the bank will have repossessed his house or something.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Panzer-Stier Ross, kingmonkey, you are sooooooo immature!
October 31st, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Just remember to pick the scrappiest, most outcastest underdogs you can find, but don’t gather too many. You always have to be vastly outnumbered in order to have the greatest odds of winning. The laws of drama mandate it.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:54 am
Nah that can’t happen, she’s in a very safe place….
…OH SHIT SHE’S GONE, THAT BASTARD!
I bet he’s twirling his moustash now, plotting my downfall, well a few well-recruited sidekicks(tm) will sort this one out.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:06 am
Panzer-stier Ross…
With regard to your problem below, it is clear to me that you will win. Let’s look at the details:
you are a commoner,
you are plucky,
you have rudimentary combat abilities,
you are familiar with common and low-class areas.
Your enemy does have all the advantages necessary to trounce you thoroughly. This almost certainly guarantees that you are the Unlikely Hero(tm). The only ways the warlord could make his situation worse would be to a)kidnap your true love, and b) proclaim that his victory is assured.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:22 am
Hey!
October 31st, 2008 at 7:06 am
Let’s just all agree to drive Aston Martins…I think that’s a fair compromise. Although with only 15 in production the DB9 LM is more rare than the One-77, which will only have 77 made. It’s a tough choice, since I like the look of the One-77 better.
At best there will only be 92 of us with these cars, so it’s better than nothing.
October 30th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I dont need a car because I can fly with my jetpack that is fueled by the tears of the families whose relatives got trapped in my diamond mines
October 30th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Pfft. Aston Martin DBRS9 Le Mans grade-racer buddy.
October 30th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Anyone poor enough to be caught driving an Aston Martin Vanquish should be used for a corpse flotilla.
Those of us who are truly rich will be mowing down commonfolk with our Aston Martin One-77’s.
October 30th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
This is so well-timed, The Song Remains the Swaim. I have been considering a career change ever since memorizing the jaunty tune from that Mercenaries 2 commercial.
WILL EXECUTE POOR PEOPLE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT AND MY PROFIT. Just puttin’ it out there…
October 30th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Michael:
I am a strong, well-built and plucky commoner with access to lots of sharp and pointy pieces of metal, a geographical knowledge of my city and it’s alleyways and rudementary streetfighting ability.
My adversary is a 13th century warlord with an army of well-armoured but ridiculously stupid and incompetent guards, who also have access to vats of boiling oil/trapdoors and spikes combinations. He also has his own powerful sword given to him by an evil wizard, and special armour hardened by the corrosive tears of orphans.
Which of us will win?
October 30th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Perhaps my rich family will harbor me as a fugitive. I hope no one eats my baby.
And Swaim, you’ve been writing a lot lately and doing lots of videos. Although I for one certainly can’t get enough of you, I do hope you’re taking breaks to avoid burnout. You’re no good to me dead.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Fuck the wich vs poor, I’m taking middle class anyway, on my own.
The way I see it, taking on both the rich AND the poor gives me twice as many people to kill/rape.
Plus, kill enough poor people and I can utilise the corpse weaponry for myself.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
TLDR
October 30th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Who can say what’s satire and what isn’t? Well sir, you most certainly can. Thank you for another great collaboration.
On the other side, it’s appalling that Mexico is right there on fucking top of the disparity chart. The richest bloke in the world is Mexican, not Bill Gates, not Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, but fucking Carlos Slim.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Damn! How did I forget to include berzerker rage?!
October 30th, 2008 at 11:03 am
I plan to train my tapeworms to be attack worms. Any rich sucker (or suckah) gets near me and sput! tapeworm-egg-spit to the face! I also need to distill my crazy from just being a garden variety schizophrenia, making me think my postman is a bipedal bear with the desire to kill me and eat my vipers, to some kind of berzerker rage– like Wolverine. I’m also not going to trim my nails again, and I’m gonna pick my ears and scratch my ass to cultivate a powerful biological weapon.
October 30th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Forget about taking sides. Every man for himself. Shoot from the hip, baby.
October 30th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I still don’t know which side I’m on. I tried asking my servant, but he doesn’t speak any English
October 30th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Looks like its about time for me to have to crowbar homeless communists in the face.
October 30th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Whichever side I end up on I hope it’s the same side as you, Swaim.
You seem to know what you’re doing and it both scares and attracts me.
October 30th, 2008 at 8:03 am
A truly inspiring article Swaim, what what old boy.
Who am I kidding? I belong to the unwashed masses.
Also my saliva is acidic. I plan to melt the rich’s feet when licking their boots clean.
Viva la Revolution!