Cracked Columnists

Chuck Norris Doesn't Understand Politics (or Are the Cracked Bloggers The New Beatles?)

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For the first time in a long time I had no idea what to write about in this little space accompanying Hate By Numbers. It's true, I did promise to give Cracked reader (and IT superstar) Caleb Abel a shout out for helping me export a song from iTunes so I could use it on this HBN, but that's not enough to base a post on. For example, THANK YOU CALEB ABEL FOR HELPING ME EXPORT A SONG FROM ITUNES FOR THIS HBN -- See?

I also have a shout out for HBN's Jiminy Cricket, Matt Tobey, who helped me rewrite beep number 3. He didn't do much. Just made it funny. But still, Matt Tobey can't support a post. Hell, he can't even support his crack habit. And crack is cheap.

So then I thought maybe I wouldn't write anything. I mean, I get paid for the vids. These little blog posts aren't covered in my contract. I just do them because I like being associated with Buckholz, O'Brien, Swaim, and Wolinsky. This is the closest I've ever been to being part of The Beatles.

Yeah, you heard me. The Cracked bloggers are the new Beatles. And why not? It sure as hell isn't Oasis.

But which blogger matches with with which Beatle? Well, it might surprise you, but I'm Ringo. Why? Not just because I'm the oldest, but because Ringo was always known as "the funny one."

Swaim is pretty clearly McCartney. Baby face. Big blue eyes. Very prolific. And hasn't done anything worthwhile in twenty years.

So that leaves three bloggers and only two Beatles. Clearly, we're going to have to include the "Fifth Beatle," Billy Preston. You might think DOB, being 1/8 black, is the obvious choice for Billy, but i'm going to go with Buckholz. Because Chris and Billy have something in common: I've never spoken to either one of them.

So that leaves DOB, Wolinsky, Lennon, and Harrison.

I'm making DOB the George Harrison of the group. Yes, DOB does spend 50 hours a week getting high and playing the sitar, but more importantly both George and DOB are the youngest. Also, neither can grow a particularly good beard.

So that leaves John Lennon. Who among us has enough coolness, talent, and gravitas to pick up that mantle? I do. It's me. I'm John Lennon. I can hear you now: "Huh? I thought you were Ringo? And what about Wolinsky?"

To you I laughingly reply, "Screw Wolinsky. He can be Pete Best. It's my list and I can do what I want."

Check out some more of Gladstone's stuff HERE. And while you may already be his Facebook friend, have you joined the club that all the kids are talking about?