For the first time in a long time I had no idea what to write about in this little space accompanying Hate By Numbers. It’s true, I did promise to give Cracked reader (and IT superstar) Caleb Abel a shout out for helping me export a song from iTunes so I could use it on this HBN, but that’s not enough to base a post on. For example, THANK YOU CALEB ABEL FOR HELPING ME EXPORT A SONG FROM ITUNES FOR THIS HBN — See?
I also have a shout out for HBN’s Jiminy Cricket, Matt Tobey, who helped me rewrite beep number 3. He didn’t do much. Just made it funny. But still, Matt Tobey can’t support a post. Hell, he can’t even support his crack habit. And crack is cheap.
So then I thought maybe I wouldn’t write anything. I mean, I get paid for the vids. These little blog posts aren’t covered in my contract. I just do them because I like being associated with Buckholz, O’Brien, Swaim, and Wolinsky. This is the closest I’ve ever been to being part of The Beatles.
Yeah, you heard me. The Cracked bloggers are the new Beatles. And why not? It sure as hell isn’t Oasis.
But which blogger matches with with which Beatle? Well, it might surprise you, but I’m Ringo. Why? Not just because I’m the oldest, but because Ringo was always known as “the funny one.”
Swaim is pretty clearly McCartney. Baby face. Big blue eyes. Very prolific. And hasn’t done anything worthwhile in twenty years.
So that leaves three bloggers and only two Beatles. Clearly, we’re going to have to include the “Fifth Beatle,” Billy Preston. You might think DOB, being 1/8 black, is the obvious choice for Billy, but i’m going to go with Buckholz. Because Chris and Billy have something in common: I’ve never spoken to either one of them.
So that leaves DOB, Wolinsky, Lennon, and Harrison.
I’m making DOB the George Harrison of the group. Yes, DOB does spend 50 hours a week getting high and playing the sitar, but more importantly both George and DOB are the youngest. Also, neither can grow a particularly good beard.
So that leaves John Lennon. Who among us has enough coolness, talent, and gravitas to pick up that mantle? I do. It’s me. I’m John Lennon. I can hear you now: “Huh? I thought you were Ringo? And what about Wolinsky?”
To you I laughingly reply, “Screw Wolinsky. He can be Pete Best. It’s my list and I can do what I want.”
Check out some more of Gladstone’s stuff HERE. And while you may already be his Facebook friend, have you joined the club that all the kids are talking about?
Last 5 posts by HBN
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
- What if WalMart Made a Movie (or Jack O'Brien works for a living) - October 20th, 2008
October 17th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Shana, I don’t know why you’re taking back your Yoko suggestion. Given Swaim’s obvious obsession with you, and the hopelessly conspicuous sexual tension between you and the band, I’d say you may even one up her.
September 26th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Thanks Mr. Primate Primus.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
As I understand it, in Soviet Russia, catchphrases use you!!
September 26th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Japanese is normal. Those are all the countries that the Soviet Union planned on conquering using funny accents and catch phrases.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Kill ‘em and eat ‘em.
September 25th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Exactly. I’ll take quality over quantity any day! See, I may only be fluent in one of my languages but I speak it good like. Real good like.
Is it just me or does Japanese seem a really odd choice compared to all those other languages?
September 25th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Wikipedia says:
Dolph Lundgren graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology. He has a master’s degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney (1982), and was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 1983 – but quit after two weeks to pursue acting. He speaks over five languages: Swedish, English, German, French, Spanish, some Japanese, and some Italian, but is not fluent in all of them.
Pssht, he’s not even fluent in all of his languages?
September 25th, 2008 at 8:11 am
I heard somewhere that Dolph Lundgren has a 180 IQ and an honorary MIT degree. I’ll have to check out the 100% accurate Wikipedia to be sure.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
This is off your current topic, but I read that Dolph Lundgren is an incredibly well educated man.
September 24th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Haa thanks guys.
Correct, I haven’t killed Gladstone… yet.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Already?
September 24th, 2008 at 7:10 am
@J-Pappi..apologize..you made her cry.
September 24th, 2008 at 6:55 am
@J-Pappi..that’s no way to talk to girls. What’s wrong with you? Shana..you are awesome..and you know he’s just a poor southern fuck from Georgia. He’s attempting to be funny. Sometimes it just doesn’t translate.
Aloha Gladstone..stoked your back. Funny HBN. There’s a little gossip your evil twin is around. Think of it this way..mimicry is the best form of flattery..
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:57 pm
aww shana, we love you and didn’t mean it that way. And besides, you haven’t killed Lennon (Gladstone) yet. So as long as you don’t we’ll keep loving you.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:36 pm
If you were any of the other bitches on here, I’d be delighted. But since it’s you, all I can do is say “Awwwwwwww (pat pat pat), there, there, Shana.” Poor thing. Have a tissue.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
I already am J-pappi. *cries*
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
You lie, Shana. You know you desire nothing more than to be an ugly, shrill, talentless, soul-sucking harpy that everyone wishes would just die.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
You, sir, are no Ted Danson.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:01 pm
The way I see it:
DOB is Lennon
Swaim is McCartney
Gladstone is Ringo
Wolinsky is Harrison
…and Buckholz can be Eric Clapton
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I was totally joking about the Yoko thing in case you couldn’t tell.
I think HBN should cover things other than ‘news’ that nobody has seen, and Gladstone should write articles more often.
Dan where in the hell are you getting this “1/8th black” thing from?
I don’t think it was Yoko who killed Lennon, but it was a car that killed the first McCartney… just joking, don’t start freaking out Beatle fans.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
If you are elected in 08 can I be put in a powerful cabinet position like Secretary of Offense? Those 3rd world fuckers have had it too sweet for far too long!
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
if im not wrong, DOB is also Irish, and the fire dude had red hair.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I would vote for the team of Kingmonkey and Glendoor.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
Nah, it’s actually pretty obvious. GladSTONE, stone, rock, earth. Plus, DOB’s fiery latin temperament suits the fire ring well.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
Edit: I don’t THINK he’d lie about something like that.
You know what would be awesome? An edit function.
We will not stop complaining until somebody responds to our demands.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:33 am
Fuck you, the inernet! It’s your fault Chuck Norris is around.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:06 am
See a was thinking that DOB would have to be Earth since he’s 1/8th black which is a much higher percentage than any of the others. Yeah you heard me, 1/8th is a percentage! Or even if it’s not it sounds a hell of a lot more impressive than 12.5%
I’ve always imagined that’s how Jack O’Brien looked. Or at least that’s how Gladstone described him to me and I don’t he’d lie about something like that.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:22 am
MJ-89, Swaim gets the heart ring. Butch Holes is Air, DOB is Fire, Gladstone is Earth and Wolinsky is Waterlinsky.
When they combine their powers, they can summon Jack O’Brien (with red hot pants and a mullet).
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:31 am
Hey, hey. Everyone knows a joke’s just not funny unless it requires wikipedia links to be understood. Besides, I don’t want to think about a world that doesn’t get Beatles references. I mean, the Beatles broke up before I was born too y’know.
and
ZOMG, Chris Buckholz!!! Electric Journal. Yay.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 am
Well Chris, if you’re the 5 kids from Captain Planet then which one of you is the poor sap that’s stuck being heart?
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:23 am
Once again, the HBN was good, the accompanying text was better.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:32 am
This thing is electric? No WONDER it still works the same when the Dutchman with a handlebar mustache I have riding around in circles on the bike with one big front wheel falls asleep. I gotta fire that asshole; he’s eating all my hoop cheese.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:07 am
No-one busts out 50 year old music references on an electric journal like Gladstone.
Also, I always pictured us more like the 5 kids from Captain Planet.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Yeah, I saw the vid. Not only is he one of the greatest fucking guitarists to have ever plugged in, but whatever your politics (and I am neither Dem nor Repub) you have to admire the fact that the dude can still make most talking heads look like fools in an interview despite having done about a pound and a half of coke a day since ‘68 or so. He fucked Bill Maher up so bad about five years ago I thought the guy might cancel his show afterwards. I fully expect his heart to explode any minute, but I love him.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Pete Best? The Beatles?
Jesus Christ, Gladstone - how old are you, anyway?!
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 pm
J-pappi, i guess you saw the vid I posted about uncle ted?
anyway yeah, please for the love of god do not be yoko shana. She killed the beatles. And john lennon.
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I didn’t get the fart joke.
God I love Ted Nugent.
Shana, please for the love of god never again say you want to be Yoko. Besides, that would make Gladstone a pedophile in most states.
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Um, anyone who thinks I went off on a political rant with this piece is doing some serious projecting. HBN is about ridiculing intellectual hypocrisy (and fart jokes) in that order. Pointing out the logical inconsistencies of an expressed political opinion is not the same as espousing a political philosophy. I believe most conservatives watching this broadcast would not feel that beck and norris had articulately advocated their position.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Gladstone, I love your hate.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Stop with the politics. I am so sick hearing of the poor in this country. They don’t have it bad. They live better than most of the world. (yes I have been to true third world nations) That being said, have you ever live in a ghetto. I have. I didn’t use welfare to buy my house there. My next door neighbors were renting to own for 16 years. How could this be when none of the 13 people living in the house had a job. I would watch them eat better than my family did and all on my dime. Yeah, I’m bitter. Next time you are in the grocery store, check out what the welfare moms are buying, them look in your cart and tell me who is eating better. Oh and by the way, if you think I am being racist, my neighbors where white and the ones across the street that would use my address to get two hand out checks were black.
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
@MJ-89, Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because he’s a pussy.
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:53 pm
When can we expect the zany Beatle movie rip offs such as ‘Hard Days Blog’ and ‘Let it DOB.’ If you are going to be the new beatles you need to start cornering the market.
Also, how ok is Swaim going to be with growing a mullet and ’stache to start the new Wings before ending up marrying and divorcing a one legged harpy?
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:48 pm
@DOB as a black man who can trace his linage directly back to poland, let me say I am tired of people assuming I am cacusian just because I suffer from a melanin deficiency.
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Oh, we’re definitely an eighth black, Tommy just refuses to publicly acknowledge it. Ask anyone in the rest of the family, they’ll tell you. I don’t know why Tom denies it, probably because he knows it gets to me.
Or maybe he’s just a miserable racist.
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:43 pm
@Shana, if you ruin the cracked bloggers like yoko did the beatles we could have a problem. Not that I am threatening you or anything…
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Sorry for “blowing your cover” Dan.
I still don’t understand why you lie about your race, but I think “O’Brien” kind of gives it away.
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Gladstone … What the fuck are you talking about?
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I wonder if other talentless conservatives are capable of killing me with their bare hands
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Good video this week. I would have laughed more except I was too busy being disgusted by the thinly veiled bigotry throughout that whole “fast food” conversation. What a couple of tools. I see CNN is giving FOX “News” a run for their money in the douchebag department.
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Chuck Norris starred as Walker on “Walker, Texas Ranger”.
Now that’s a real Chuck Norris fact. What people are saying are Chuck Norris hyperbole.
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
GOD DAMMIT SHANA!
September 22nd, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I like the blogs. This one was particularly funny.
Dan is not black. I find it funny that you mentioned that because his brother mentioned this the other day. I believe his words where “Dan always insists we’re 1/8th black. I don’t know why, I think it’s his excuse for talking like that.”
If you guys are The Beatles can I be Yoko?
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I wonder if Bucholz will be insulted that you misspelled his name, or affirm that he does, in fact, Buck Hol[e]z.
Only time will tell.
-Arthur
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
damn it I meant first
where is the edit function
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
oh shit, in my frist post I mean’t politics aren’t funny.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Good to see beck on HBN. I fuckin’ hate that guy.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
hah Ted Nugent is awesome, so much so that he can do this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SaeH2OucTI
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Ted Nugent “writes” books, too.
http://www.amazon.com/Ted-White-Blue-Nugent-Manifesto/dp/1596985550
Here’s a good piece of Nugentspeak:
“With all due respect, many in the entertainment industry are deep into mind-altering substance abuse, and when one’s logic and intellectual calculating powers are replaced with dopey feel-good, fantasy- driven denial, the democratic party serves them well,” Nugent blasted.”
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I’d much rather hear Ted Nugent’s opinion.
I bet his idea of the economy is to put a stranglehold baby, on unemployment.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Progressive taxes are un-American because they penalize entrepreneurs (who make lots of money but only because they improve everyone else’s life through innovation).
Yeah, I’m sympathetic for poor people, but I also know that a free lunch motivates no one.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
If the Cracked bloggers are the beatles then the comments must be charles manson’s insane interpretation of Helter Skelter.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I think that if you are to be the new beatles then I could possibly be a backup musician? I just want love Gladstone and you fail to give me any. I might seriously start commenting on DOBs posts more.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:55 am
I knew my extensive use of iTunes would pay off someday. You’re welcome. Again. I dig the new song.
The jokes were more hit and miss than usual, but I think a lot of that is because the clip seemed more dislikable, than it seemed all-out hate-worthy. Chuck Norris is pretty weird these days, but I watched Sidekick so much when I was a little kid that I can only bring myself to shake my head when he does things like this. It’s like if you do something your parents don’t approve of and they say “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” That’s how I feel about Chuck Norris now. Except, reversed and pretending Chuck Norris is my father for some reason. Or not reversed and pretending Chuck Norris is my child. Neither spin particularly makes sense.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
glendoor42, I’m not a Republican. I am working my way toward a doctorate in Evil, though. My last project was a mild, programmable LSD that would be fed into the water supply to play advertisements in the back of people’s minds.
I’m like the anti-Grant Morrison!
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:59 am
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Maybe the Cracked bloggers could be the new Backstreet Boys?
And when Chuck Norris starts donating the gazillions he’ll be making from that piece of shit book to my pay for college fund maybe I’ll consider paying taxes
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:18 am
Beatles? You are way off, Gladstone. If anything, the Cracked bloggers are the new Wu-Tang Clan, (Nu-Tang Clan?). Because there are so many, we’ll have to double and triple up.
I’m RZA, Ghostface Killah and Ol’ Dirty Bastard for, what I think, are fairly obvious reasons.
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:16 am
Au contraire, mon ami. I would actually place Wolinsky as Ringo as he’s got the funny looks. But then again, Ringo married Barbara Bach.
You sure you want to be Lennon, though? He married a shrew of a woman that sucked the talent out of him and then died too young.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:50 am
Gladstone, before you made this did you consider the world of Chuck Norris jokes that you could very well be opening your blog up to?
It’s taking all my strength not to post completely tasteless Chuck Norris jokes all up in here and we all know that I have a gigantic internet crush on you so what about all those that don’t, what’s going to stop THEM from posting? I’d like to think the Chuck Norris fad has worn off, I hope it has, but I’m not entirely convinced.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:38 am
Oh I almost forgot.
Chuch Norris once happend across a still born lamb. After giving it mouth to mouth for 5 minutes it came back to life. After a large crowd gatherd he roundhoused kicked it to the head, snaping its neck and killing it, only to remind people that Chuck Norris giveth, and the good chuck taketh away.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:36 am
I think that their concern was that the bottom 40% of wage earners in the us pay 0% of all taxes, yet are a heavyily pandered after voter demographic, being promised a shit ton of welfare. No one was suggesting that you should tax them more, but simply stop throwing money at them in the form of welfare.
Politics are funny.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:30 am
But… but… Republicans hate celebrities….
For numerical reasons and general Satanic Majesty, I’d go with Cracked bloggers being the new Rolling Stones. Now I’m not sure which is which but Swaim is obviously Brian Jones.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:18 am
Good one Gladstone, but I always considered y’all ( the cracked bloggers ) the new EVE-6.
And gee, kingmonkey I did not know there were Republicans in Casnadia. Are you sure you’re not from the states and your real name is Karl Rove?
And Glenn Beck makes a lot more sense when you realize he is a Mormon.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:09 am
BTW, be on the look out for fake gladstone. His comments are more prickish. less funny.
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:08 am
kingmonkey,
…and if labourers don’t get your fast food order right…NO SOUP FOR YOU!
“Giant Barracks?” Is that what the labour camps will be called when Barrack Obama becomes the socialist dictator?
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:04 am
You know, I agree with Chuck. In fact, I think the poor should exclusively pay the taxes for the entire population. I think we’ll just take everyone who earns less than 30,000 per year and put them into gigantic labour camps, provide them with three squares a day, warm clothes, a comfortable rack in the giant barracks where they sleep, and totally appropriate their earnings as taxes. Everyone who earns 30-100,000 will have to do part-time in the labour camps, but doesn’t have to pay taxes. Folks who earn more than 100,000 (like those who job search on ladders.com) get their income tax-free, and also get to line up outside the labour camps to throw popcorn at the working class, like a giant, filthy human zoo.
Chuck Norris will work as the gate guard at the giant labour camp.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:59 am
Well, Lounsey, they certainly are to me.
I check this blog daily and don’t even own a bible
All the cool kids have red names
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
Chuck Norris doesn’t even read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:44 am
Are you trying to imply that cracked bloggers are bigger than Jesus?
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:43 am
Well the part around 2 minutes was my fave. How dare those people struggling to survive on McDonald wages not be paying taxes! Ironically enough isn’t it usually the ridiculously wealthy that skip on taxes most of the time anyway?
I really do adore your written stuff. “I do. It’s me. I’m John Lennon.” You make me laugh, Gladstone. You make me laugh. Screw Wolinsky, indeed.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:22 am
you got any whitney houston?