You find yourself on a dark and deserted avenue. You have seen this street many times in movies and photographs. It is the kind of place usually half-glimpsed in the back of taxi cabs heading elsewhere, at once both familiar, and alien. As the stillness seeps into your mind, lulling you into a hypnotic trance, you suddenly notice a flurry of activity: There’s a man breaking into the museum! He’s pulling the bars off of a second story window, and nobody is there to stop him!
If you scream for the authorities, desperately hoping that somebody will hear your cries and assist you in performing your civic duty, turn to page 2.
If you try to stop the man yourself, turn to page 3.
Page 2
You bang on the door of the dilapidated apartment building across the way, shouting at the top of your lungs for help. A kindly old woman buzzes you up. She fixes you hot cocoa, shows you slides of her trip to Omaha and eventually falls asleep on your shoulder. Not wanting to wake her, but still completely keyed up on adrenaline, your mind wanders and you inevitably start thinking about titties. You try to take your mind off of it, but that just makes it worse. You find yourself mentally listing the most awkward boners you’ve ever had. This easily takes the number three spot, you decide.
The End.
Page 3.
You have it all planned out in advance: You’ll surprise the man with a Captain Kirk style dropkick! You know, the kind of dropkick with absolutely no plan for recovery after it is delivered–just 100 percent double-foot action, and may God have mercy on your soul for the aftermath. There have been better plans, sure, but you like the flexibility of this one.
Step 1: Sweet Dropkick. Step 2: Step 2 is for pussies!
As you are readying yourself to strike, you happen to notice something odd: You’re far too busy currently prying the bars off of a second story window to attack anybody. It turns out you’re the one breaking into the museum, because you’re high as shit, and you really wanna see some dinosaurs.
Fancy that!
You finish dislodging the bars and swing inside like some sort of graceful, deadly, ninja- you actually fall back-first onto a glass coffee table, but you’re pretty sure you did it just like a deadly ninja would have. You pull yourself to your feet and yank loose a particularly nasty glass shard from just below your elbow, which has the unlucky side-effect of inspiring sudden, random muscle-spasms. Your arm slaps about wildly, but you ignore it. You have an appointment to keep with Awesome, and its best friend, the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Unfortunately, nothing remotely resembling a dinosaur–not even if you squint hard and pretend it’s making growling noises–is anywhere to be seen.
If you break the nearest expensive looking thing out of a sense of misplaced vengeance, turn to page 4.
If you decide to go with it because, like Tom Cochrane always said, “Life is a Highway,” turn to page 5.
Page 4.
Yeah, fuck that shit!
Turn to page 5.
Page 5.
As you set out to explore further, a blinding light suddenly strikes out at you–leaving you temporarily stunned. You panic, thinking the cops have found you already, but when your vision clears you are astounded to find yourself standing before a strange ship. Its doors are open, seemingly in invitation, and an eerie green light bathes the room in a wan, sickly glow.
If you back away cautiously, deciding that–considering the eight tabs of acid and four Ambien you took earlier–it is highly likely that you are both sleepwalking and hallucinating, and you should probably just find a hole to sleep it off in, turn to page 6.
If you say fuck it and honor the Tom Cochrane code, turn to page 7.
Page 6.
You go home and sleep it off, because you’re a total buzzkill and kind of a pussy. You later buy a Subaru and eventually die in your sleep. That’s it. That’s what your stupid life was.
The End.
You know who you are in this picture? No, not the rad, high-waisted kid ramming a console into tiny Ferenghi. No, you’re the old man, actively regretting the chances he never took as he gazes into his own impending mortality.
Page 7.
You barrel headfirst into the aqua light of the alien craft, all the while screaming quotes from what you think is probably Die Hard.
“Welcome to the party, pal!” you bellow, charging.
“LORP.” Squawks the surprised alien, his beady little rat-eyes reflecting terror and yet, somehow, also an exotic kind of wisdom. He is hunched low, dressed in a bizarre spacesuit, and his face is covered in impossibly fine hairs. “LORP DOP.”
“Whoa, fucker. We speak English in this country,” you begin, but you see only kindness in his tiny slit eyes. He extends his hand to you…
If you shake his hand in kindly greetings, turn to page 8.
If you are overwhelmed by fraternal love (and enough LSD to give God a body high) and instead opt to hug him desperately, turn to page 9.
Page 8
You go to clasp his hand in greeting, but due to your injury, you end up slapping him somewhat jovially in what is probably the crotch area. He leaps back in surprise, bashing his head on the control panel… and launching the ship through space!
Turn to page 10.
Page 9.
Congratulations. You totally gayed up first contact.
The alien returns the hug just a little too hard, and as you break away–giving him the “we’re just bros here” pat on the back before disengaging–it seizes onto you. Two hours later, you are running through the city park, the alien hot on your heels making a slurping kind of belch that you assume to be “kissy noises.”
Also, the pink cleavage-accentuating decor on your spacesuit isn’t helping any…
In terror and desperation, you fling everything you have at it, attempting to slow the being. Unfortunately, it assumes these to be courting gifts, and merely pursues you more vigorously in response. You find yourself cornered. There is no exit. Perhaps your pants and underwear should have been the last thing you threw, you think in retrospect, as you frantically attempt to tie a makeshift noose out of the tail of a furious stray cat. It goes poorly, to say the least.
The End.
Page 10.
Your eyes dim and blur, but when they refocus you find the ship has come to a halt. No sign of the alien is to be found. The door is still open from your entrance, and from it you attempt to examine your surroundings, but they are simply incomprehensible! A myriad of images shimmers and twists before you–now the familiar onion-domes of Moscow besieged by robots, now a shimmering sea of mercury skated upon by angels, now not even a place but a resonance of sound, thick with emotion–and you realize it must not have stopped at all. You must be shifting through inter-dimensional space! Suddenly, something leaps through the doorway! It’s a vampire!
Why is there a fucking vampire in outer space? Turn to page 11.
Two words: DROP. KICK. Page 12.
Page 11.
I know, right? That’s pretty crazy.
Turn to page 12.
Page 12
“WHAT THE FUCKING SPACE VAMPIRE!?”
You hurtle yourself with absolutely no forethought into the emerging vampiric form. He screams in surprise and pain as you make contact, and both of you tumble from the doorway, somersaulting through Nth dimensional insanity. The worlds smear as you fly by them with ever-increasing speed. A vertigo takes hold of your mind, and your vision extends to infinite space. As your perception of time slows to a crawl, you catch sight of an image through the cosmic mist, and latch onto it. The image resolves slowly, and though you know you are perfectly still, you feel as though you are traveling somehow. The image is of a being with beady, slit-like eyes, its face a mesh of impossibly fine hairs…
In his visage, you find yourself drawn away - away and down - away and waxing a way a-
When you awake, the alien is holding your hand and muttering to you in his indecipherable language. You know you should not–it is everything your strict father, ever the macho marine, forbade you–but you lean forward to kiss him out of sheer gratitude. It is unlike a kiss that could be performed by man, and pleasures heretofore unknown to human life wrack your body like a series of beautiful sobs. This moment is an eon-long orgasm of tranquility, culminating in the utmost contentment of the heart.
If you tear yourself away, knowing that this is a feeling men will become lost in, never to return to their former lives, turn to page 13.
If you slip it some tongue, because if it’s willing to go this far maybe you could get some ass out of it, turn to page 14.
Page 13
You pull yourself away, loss and regret immediately seizing your heart like a vice made out of punches to the dick. You look the alien dead in the eye, attempting to communicate, through sheer will, your eternal gratitude for this moment, but your wounded arm flips out, and you slap him on neck instead. Your hand barely makes contact, skipping across his chest and settling on his shoulder.
Turn to page 14
Page 14
The alien pulls away from you, offended, and motions to the door. You try to explain, but the look in its eyes is of such heartbreak that you know you cannot. You exit through the portal, and find yourself emerging into a crowd of stunned onlookers. Their jaws are agape, and the expression of awe on their faces as they watch you disembark from the shuddering vessel is nothing short of religious. You wave to them, signaling that everything is going to be okay…
“I have returned! To wave at nothing!”
And that’s when the security guard tackles you.
“It’s okay, I’ve been beyond,” you explain, but he’s far too busy rapidly and furiously tasering your inexplicably naked body to listen.
“Drop kick me, motherfucker?! I’m takin’ you down to Tasertown!” He screams, despite the presence of a great deal of children on what appears to be a fifth grade field trip.
Later, at the trial, as you are brought up on charges of breaking and entering at the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum, indecent exposure to minors, vandalizing the Lunar Lander, assaulting the security guard and sexually molesting the night janitor, your explanations fall on deaf ears.
“But it wasn’t a man… it was a-a thing! It had little beady, slit eyes and these tiny, disgusting hairs and… and we did stuff! Weird, beautiful stuff!” you begin to plead, but are interrupted by the sudden, violated sobs of the elderly Chinese man on the witness stand, whose thin beard looks impossibly fine in this light, come to think of it…
This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Drugs, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
omg best one yet! hahahaa i loved this
August 9th, 2009 at 8:32 am
[...] found this while researching this post, and it was too funny not to share; an adult spoof called “Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs): High In Outer Space”, from Cracked.com. My friend Nick also has a characteristically sarcastic and witty choose your [...]
July 30th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
HAHA those spammers actually got me… wow… I have never been tricked before, good job. Don’t know why I’m encouraging them as it’s annoying as fuck but i like the initiative to make a fake page referencing this topic and then having two people post about it…
On a side note… great article, I approve.
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
That brought a smile to my face. Good article, it made my day.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Wayyyyyyyyyyy too much reading to do while high.
July 11th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Go fetch my left lung, please. I coughed it up during a fit of laugher during an awkward boner.
July 11th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
You know what, Brockway? It’s actually pretty good. I don’t know why I’ve always skipped your articles thinking they were shit. Or right, that’s why. But they’re not.
July 10th, 2009 at 6:59 am
one of most moving, compelling examples of the experiencies the world simply fails to understand when you tell about the eternal truths you stumbled upon while tripping your fucking mind out. yes siree.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:35 am
fuck space is an indie game! search it
June 30th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Is it sad that I read some of these as a kid and recognize the pictures; also assuming that by kid I mean adult and by recognize the pictures I mean I have the entire storyboard tattooed on my back?
June 28th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Huh, yeah it does look like the one at http://www.principiadiscordia.com/Adventure/index.php?title=Main_Page. Sort of. It’s not the same theme, just the same general idea. Definitely not as funny; not as many choices/pages.
June 28th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Hmm. Looks like a shorter less amusing version of this
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/Adventure/index.php?title=Main_Page
to me, but there you go.
June 26th, 2009 at 6:40 am
niice i was actually stoned when i did this
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:28 am
[...] are engaged upon daily in the animal kingdom. Buy them an Avenging Narwhel playset! * Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books? Now you can do it online! WARNING: This version not for kids (Thanks Alex!) * I don’t [...]
June 18th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
i chose the path that ends in cat death.FUCK
June 16th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
This story is waaaaaay too detailed to be fiction. I suspect that Brockaway has been to the SA&SM. . . Though, it’s hard to tell what it was he thought were bars on a second-story window. The quiet “alley” could be a loading dock.
Another win for Brockaway.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I love casual drug use, and its inclusion in those damn choose your own adventure books that always left you choking for breath between the gianormus titties of an Amazon.
That said, does ‘dongtacular’ strike anyone as a bit, well…
I’m just sayin’ that maybe vagtastic might be a better way to complement Mr Brockway. Unless all these posts are by women… Red headed women…
June 15th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
You should totally do more of these, because they are awesome!
June 13th, 2009 at 12:25 am
seriously, been reading Cracked on and off for a couple years but Brockway is what Ive been coming back every week for now. His shit is epic! Hey If youre ever in San Francisco hit me and my drinking team up, I know you have alot of stories that would go much better in a bar over sauce!
June 9th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
What the fuck is with the ” little beady, slit eyes” thing?
June 9th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I love this!
Hilarious!
June 9th, 2009 at 6:48 am
God….I even recognize the pictures from Choose your Own Adventure books lol…those were actual covers for some of the books I remember. Wow I feel old
June 9th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs): High In Outer Space! | Cracked.com…
-…
June 8th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
These are great!!!
More!
June 8th, 2009 at 7:18 am
lmao - best ever.
Nostalgia is running rampant. I think I read every “Choose Your Own Adventure” books as a kid. Somehow I missed this one.
I wonder how different I would have turned out. I guess I’ll let my 11 y/o read this and we’ll find out!
June 7th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I love it! Good Job!
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June 7th, 2009 at 4:02 am
page 12 is incredibly similar to Stepheen Kings IT.
June 5th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Good, but still nothing on the Zoo one.
June 5th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
This was the first drug/adventure story I’ve ever read, and I have to say that this is some funny shit! Totally my type of humor! “..your mind wanders and you inevitably start thinking about titties. You try to take your mind off of it, but that just makes it worse. You find yourself mentally listing the most awkward boners you’ve ever had.” LMAO! CLASSIC!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Yesss! I chose my own adventure on drugs once and was in a mexican stand off with the longest, straightest, gravel road known to man. I’d run into the nearby barley field and talk to the plants whenever cars came, then slowly stumble back to the road where my plantation of ketchup packets awaited my scientific research. Riders ‘89!
June 5th, 2009 at 9:32 am
sadly enough this exact thing has actually happened to me. “Act like an oupatient!”
June 5th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Yeah I’m 22 and I had tons. I always just read both options and decided after that… which is precisely what I did reading this. I’m a sore loser.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Elbow Fart: I’m 19 and we had them…
June 5th, 2009 at 6:09 am
[...] Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs): High In Outer Space! [...]
June 5th, 2009 at 5:52 am
CYOA books!
Thanks for taking me back to my misspent youth -I remember reading these books and always dying in some horrific fashion, making me feel like an udder failure even in an alternate reality!
DONG-tacular
(polite golf clap) XD
June 5th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Funny. I remember loving the books when I was a kid.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
This was so stupid because I’m 18 and I don’t understand how awesome “Choose Your Own Adventure” books were when I was not born yet. Fall-Out Boi rUlEz!
June 4th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Holy Smokes Batman! That is da shiz yo!
Dust
http://www.real-anonymity.pro.tc
June 4th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Why the freck is Mr Brockway not writing any SciFi novels? This story was dongtacular!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
The Smithsonian Air and Space Museum doesn’t have any alleys around it, nor does it have bars on any of its second story windows. However, this article was amazing, as is all of Brockway’s work.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
[...] just the Law of Homo. Assault, Doggie Style (SickPigs) Choose Your Own Adventure On Drugs (Cracked) What Traditional Marriage Is (IHeartChaos) Pauly Shore In Three Jokes (ScreenJunkies) Rick [...]
June 4th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
“WHAT THE FUCKING SPACE VAMPIRE!?”
brilliant
June 4th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Damn, totally gayed out the first contact. Should of gone with my first instinct and unleashed the dropkicks.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Then I have a simple solution; don’t fucking read them.
While you’re at it, don’t fucking comment about not reading them.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I could see myself getting sick of these drug stories. Do two or three more, they’re great, but don’t overdo it.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:56 am
absolutely amazing. keepn writing these.
i’m a gonna go back n read the one about the zoo again
June 4th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Good stuff!!
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June 4th, 2009 at 9:20 am
the title of this book is in my cracked profile. weird. anyways…good stuff here. i laughed a few times.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Brockway you are fast becoming my favourite Cracked writer.
I do wonder sometimes though if a little part of you cries itself to sleep at night, as you started off by pointing out the contradictions and foolishness of political situations, often causing flame wars, and have descended (or ascended depending on your view point) into articles about being off your face on drugs.
I think it’s all been great, but I do wonder…
June 4th, 2009 at 8:28 am
My sweet Lord Sir, this was everything I ever wanted to read. The ending summed everything up so beautifully. I laughed much too loud at work and was promptly written up.
June 4th, 2009 at 6:08 am
u havent have a perfect dating? honey, you know == http://SugarMommyMatch.Com == here,it is the best and most effective online dating for mature women and sugar babies.u can find someone special to be ur friend and to date….
June 4th, 2009 at 5:32 am
I love these. Kudos, Brockway. I only wish they were three times longer. Hopefully, we’ll see “Fuck Time Travel” or “Fuck Karate” soon. R. A. Montgomery really pissed me off with all those Master of things.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:28 am
I can’t describe how much I loved this and the Zoo one.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Great article, way to go.
So many good lines here.
Thank you.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:00 am
I loved this line
“You have an appointment to keep with Awesome, and its best friend, the Tyrannosaurus Rex”
June 4th, 2009 at 1:05 am
Oh god, that space vampire one used to scare the SHIT out of me as a kid.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:59 am
As a duty to society, you must stop work and any family obligations and immediately begin writing the next installment!
Funniest thing on Cracked!
June 4th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Mr Brockway, this and “Fuck this Zoo” are AWESOME. Thank you, I can’t wait for the next one.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:17 am
These stories sure as hell better be in the next addition of Classic Fairy Tales.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Dongtacular as usual, fantastic work!
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Robert, how does it feel to be a robot fighter AND a purple, stone pineapple?
You kick printer, keep it up.
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Dongtacular!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Robert Brockway you’re fucking awesome! BTW what about The Bots Master? That show was a rip off of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TV Show wasn’t it? You kick ass Robert Brockway. I don’t give a fuck about what any other hater says about you. Fuck em’ all!
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
ZOMG dongtacular!
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Hell yes!!! Hell yes!!! Joygasm!
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Oh snap! Pass me a cig, because I just came! Dongtacular stuff, you sexy Brock you.
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Just amazing. You need to write many, many more of these.
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Very nice, 9/10 funny.
“If you break the nearest expensive looking thing out of a sense of misplaced vengeance, turn to page 4.
Yeah, fuck that shit!”
That’s gold right there.
I hope you write this themed stuff out of a fondness for LSD rather than as some sort of cautionary tale? I’ll continue to assume that you do.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Gold
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Dongtacular. Impossibly, finely dongtacular.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
not only was this delirious fun, but i recognize a few of the illustrations from choose your own adventure books i read as a kid. i don’t remember what the book the “pink cleavage-accentuating” costume was from but i have a clear memory of having to look up the word ‘utopia’ while reading i in class in grade school. i also remember book-marking every ‘go-to’ page so i could read every possible story in the book. this lead to having to collect every possible item on every level of every video game i’ve ever played and cheating at solitaire.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
How can I gay up first contact if I’m a girl?
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:56 pm
What is up with you and LSD?
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I love th ese so much,
If only my co mputer wasn’t being such a dick I would make a longer review, but alas, it is h ard enough to w rite this muchofgsdf$%DFGiaqk324f
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
XD
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
This is why we have the internet!!
i laughed so hard,it was “…like a vice made out of punches to the dick.”
“You totally gayed up first contact”
wouldent be the first time!!
( these are freakin awsome!!!)
/salutes the great brockaway!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Terrifying and hilarious - the best combination of an -ing and an -ous there ever was.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:56 pm
This has GOT to become a regular feature. Freaking AWESOME!
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Dude, you should regularly make more of this, it is freaking hilarious!
Seriously dude, make this a series
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
That was dongtacularly brilliant, Brockway.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
truely dongtacular
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
jesus god that was fucking incredible make more you beautiful bastard
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
dongtacular, simply dongtacular. one question: do you just look through the pictures and make up random shit around that? cause that would make it all the more dongtacular, like add a whole new dongometer to the whole thing.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
OHHH MAN that was gold!!! Fucken genius!
“Step 1: Sweet Dropkick. Step 2: Step 2 is for pussies!” Love it!!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
when I saw the title on the main page, I had the biggest smile on my face.
my favorite part? “Step 2 is for pussies!”
I actually laughed out loud on that one.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Dude, if this was real I would so fucking buy it, its that friggin dongtacular. And im a cheap bastard too
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
*twirls mustache while make a hrumph noise*
Dontacular, I say, quite dongtacular!
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
These are way better than the real books were.
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I hope this is determined to be a regular thing, because I absolutley loved it!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 12:11 pm
dongtacular as always
great job
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
Dude, again, you are the best.
your articles are by far the best, and these “choose your own adventure” things are sweet.
INTERNET HIGH-FIVE
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
HA! YES! Now the rest of you. Take some initiative and write an actual book! Come on DOB and everybody else.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
lolz
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:42 am
… this guy?! HAWT!!! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Lucky bastard!!!
June 3rd, 2009 at 10:13 am
The choose your own adventure on drugs are fucking amazing.
Why don’t you do a choose your own adventure on…
A pirate ship.
The cracked offices.
A sexshop.
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
I owned the first 25 books. That last pic was from Space and Beyond — my least favorite choose your own adventure ever.
June 3rd, 2009 at 9:47 am
Aw, I miss ‘choose your own adventure’ sci-fi. They were never this surreal, but I enjoyed the throwback all the same.
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
That was awesome. I truly enjoyed that read!
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:46 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on http://Tallloving.com are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:13 am
This is the third-most awkward erection that I have ever had.
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:09 am
… all stretched, torn and nasty. That’s fucking space my friends!!! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=25&sku=E-CD00275
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:05 am
Oh, God! That was amazing, Brockway. Pass me a ciggie.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 am
I look forward to the coninuing series of “Choose Your Own Adventure on Drug,” because they are fantastic.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:46 am
too short! still good though
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:42 am
Dongtacular, as usual.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:37 am
Thanks, BABBAB. Now when I look at that picture, instead of “WHAT THE FUCKING SPACE VAMPIRE,” I think, “BABBAB is right, it actually does look like Data.” And then my head explodes.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:22 am
You need to be careful, Brockway. This column came out dangerously close to your CIA and LSD article. I’m not saying you’re gonna blow your cover - that ship sailed into the Nth dimension long ago - but DOB is probably going to be pounding on your door, howling for an acid fix if he knows you’re carrying. This is assuming he’s not already hiding in your air duct huffing paint thinner.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:06 am
Dongtacular good.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:47 am
That was dongtacular!
(Will someone please drop kick CavelerX, Reaver4567 and the appropriately named asshat?)
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:46 am
Not as good as Fuck this Zoo, but still pretty great.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:29 am
“WHAT THE FUCKING SPACE VAMPIRE?!”
That’s all I can say. That’s all I’m going to be saying in the near future too, while I’m at it.
You need to write more of these.
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:28 am
[...] Outer Space! Jump to comments Posted in: Featured New column up at Cracked, the much-demanded sequel to Choose Your Own Adventure (on Drugs.) Because how do you follow a burst of creative, genre-bending comedy? With a derivative sequel, of [...]
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:19 am
Don’t bother to add hyperlinks to the page references then, I’ll just scroll the page down myself. Manually. With my hand. Jesus Christ, this is going to take forever…
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:14 am
WHERE THE FUCK IS PAGE 15?????
June 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 am
Hahahahah fuck yes.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:41 am
Seriously, I think Brockway needs to get a book deal.
I don’t know if can stretch one of these out for a whole paperback but maybe like, a dozen or so longer ones?
I’d buy it.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:38 am
Brilliant… Just… brilliant.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:32 am
I agree, this Choose Your Own Adventure thing was a brainwave, Brockway. Well done.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:26 am
These articles are unreal, you should make an entire book of “Choose your own adventure on drugs”
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:22 am
You shud work together wit bucholz and cum up wit sum crazy muppet baby/ choose ur own adventure article of elite, dongtacular proportions.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:13 am
I’m sensing that Brockway has found his untapped niche in the Cracked ‘verse. Well done, Brockway!
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:18 am
Three words: DROP. KICK. AWESOMENESS
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:11 am
You gave me the greatest gift of all. Alien themed erotica.
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:09 am
Oh my fuck that was easily one of the funniest articles I have ever read on this site! I used to be so into those silly novels . . . Ha ha ialways ended up trying out every single choice possible. If only those novels were half as amazing As this article lol.
June 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 am
only the most awesome article written, keep this stuff coming
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:56 am
Hahaha, It’s a “Data from ST-NG - Vampire”!
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:49 am
This is one of the most imediately quotable cracked articles I’ve ever seen (save the Chompapatumus). “What the fucking space vampire” is for sure going to be my exclamation from now on.
Also, I am high as shit, and really wanna see some dinosaurs.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:40 am
Wow, that was pretty entertaining. I hope theres more like this this
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:29 am
That. Was. AWESOME!!!
More of this, please.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:27 am
dammit. the first one was better. a little more backstory (you gettin fucked up, not just the consequences) for the next one. and there better be a next one
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:25 am
Not my personal favorite, but I can see why people would like it. The Choose Your Own Adventure idea in general is brilliant, though!
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 am
first
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 am
“Yeah, fuck that shit!” had me rolling! This was one of the most creative things I have seen on Cracked, and hilarious to boot. Bravo, Brockway. I’ll choose my own adventure of your adventures to be chosen any day!
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:21 am
foist! and great job btw
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:17 am
Ummmmm…ok…wow…
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:16 am
All I can say is;
More of this choose your own adventure (on drugs) shit, and you will have soundly nut kicked all other writers on cracked. Just better quality next time. Number one had my balls falling off, this one is barely getting by with a single testicle.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:14 am
Wow. AMAYZING!
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:14 am
That was some funky crack shit
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:12 am
First (hopefully)