Chocolate Skittles: Like Being Mouth Raped by Candy
Dear Skittles,
What the fuck are you trying to do to us? Did you really think you'd get away with it? Did you really think the righteous people of the world would stand idly by and let you rape their mouths without crying out for justice?
Stop selling chocolate Skittles. I have no demand beyond that. Actually, no, that's a lie. I have a whole list of demands:
1. Stop selling chocolate Skittles.
2. Apologize publicly.
3. Jettison all remaining chocolate Skittlesor any regular Skittles which may have been tainted through accidental contactinto space.
4. Euthanize all the diseased, caged rabbits whose shit you harvest to produce the pudding flavor.
5. Fire the Japanese guy in marketing who thought this was a good idea.
6. Put the entirety of your research and development budget towards inventing the technology required to make me forget there ever was such a thing.
The worst part of all this, the bitterest betrayal, lies in the fact that you KNEW Id have to try them. You know damn well Im not going stand in line at CVS to pay for my nasal spray and Donettes and not scan the candy rack. And whats waiting there for me? Lo and behold, an airtight bag of baboon crap.
But I didnt know that. How could I? To my nave mind, this was a new experience waiting to be enjoyed, an exciting opportunity to take my taste buds on a chocolaty ride to cocoa town, with a possible pit stop in the unincorporated municipality of Donetteville.
Of course, I had my doubts. You dont survive Circus Peanuts and Lucas and not realize theres shitty candy out there. But you had my trust, Skittles. Youre one of the respectable candies; one of the good old boys. Since time out of mind, youve been there, right alongside M&Ms and Snickers, reliable as a Toyota pickup hauling a load of delicious fruit that hurts to chew.
Even Sour Skittles were all right; I mean, you waited for Warheads and Sour Patch Kids to pave the way, then you went in. You were smart about it. You didnt blunder down the hall of candydom farting on black licorice and trying to get me to eat it.
Youve kept your image fresh, too. Youve got those funny non-sequitor commercials with the sheep-people, and your bags are about as colorful as they come. So when that little voice in my head said Michael, chocolate Skittles is a terrible idea, I just stuffed it down into my subconscious with my summer camp memories and all the gay stuff.
But now, its all changed. Now I dont care how many sheep-headed people or Skittle/Midas hybrids or piata men tell me to lick their brown rainbow, it wont erase the holocaust that ripped though my mouth that day, or the hours of my life lost retching into a sink and gargling turpentine after downing a handful of brownie batter.
For a while, I was convinced my bag had been accidentally filled with compressed chemical pellets or faulty ball bearings. Each hideous flavor was like a depth charge plummeting into my stomach, there to explode and expel a lethal dose of sour hate.
Except Smores. Smores was OK. But thats no excuse.
Especially when the colors you chose are so similar, its nearly impossible to sort the merely crappy flavors from the candy-coated abortions. Note to Skittles: no one wants to eat abortions. Thats like the first thing that was established in the history of candy. Thats like RULE ONE.
The saddest thing of all is that now I dont even like regular Skittles. Your hot Carl of a candy so coated my tongue with caramel excrement that even the fruity deliciousness of standard, God-fearing, American Skittles have lost their luster. The memories are just too painful.
So congratulations. You made the Attack of the Clones of candy.
If theres any justice in the world, the next time youre heard from will be your testimony at the Hague when youre tried for crimes against humanity.
Sincerely,
A guy whos way too into candy.
When not using his own tongue as your first line of defense, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
read number 4 while drinking milk and started laughing then stared at my milk for 2 minutes trying to see if I shoot a snot rocket into it...
Replythen drank more milk and gagged on snot
I actually had forgotten about these... I say the only true Skittles will be Original, Wild Berry, and Sour.
ReplyI am a fan of Tropical. Those are the ones with passion fruit, right?
Fizzy Skittles: the new chocolate Skittles.
ReplyYou wanna try an insult to the tongue? Try Cheeseburger flavored Doritos... they taste like beef gone bad... and chemically reproduced relish, and dorito cheese. Simply put, regurgitate into your mouth, swish it around again and swallow it, and it still tastes better!
ReplyCheeseburger flavored anything is guaranteed to be gross.
I thought Cheeseburger Doritos tasted pretty good. I bought a bag for the novelty and I was amazed how they managed to get a cheeseburger taste into a corn chip! It blew my mind!
most of the time after one read an article is no longer funny but this is the thrid of fourth time and i still crack up.
ReplyAlso i thought chocolate skittles didn't sound good
Actually, Lucas is the s**t. Maybe it's because I grew up in a mostly Mexican community, and my childhood candy was more Lucas than Blow Pops and Tootsie Rolls. When you brought Lucas (or Hot Cheetos) to my elemantary school, kids flipped their s**t.
ReplyBut Circus Peanuts do sucks balls.
I have never even seen chocolate Skittles. I have a feeling I'm not missing out.
Replyim only using this account once, to post this.
Replyskittles, I like. these are NOT skittles. theyre closer related to CHICKEN SHIT then any candy
as much as i agree with you that chocolate skittles taste like (if not worse) than abortion, its actually palatable if you eat all of them at once, so if you cram the entire bag of shit into your mouth, the shit cancles eachother out into something bareable (though not good by any means).
Reply[...] for you, as Michael Swaim has for chocolate skittles. You can feel some of his joy by clicking here and you will understand that in this case, YOU are the pudding flavor. Considering the fact that I [...]
ReplyI absolutely agree with you, Swaim. They do taste like abortions, and nobody wants to eat that.
Replywhich begs the question... how would y'all know what aborted feti taste like?
We've tasted chocolate Skittles, that's how.
You know what's worse than eating chocolate Skittles? Eating chocolate-covered coffee beans. I don't have an inkling as to why I decided to fork that in my mouth, but all I remember is that I walked by the coffee maker as it was making my mom's cup the next morning and found myself losing last night's dinner in the sink. And my mom's addicted to caffeine, so I have to smell that once-beloved odor every day and simultaneously lose control of my gag reflex. Worst food-related decision I ever made.
Replyme too, they suck. that is f**king bulls**t, they think they can do that
I loved chocolate skittles. I also like black licorice and circus peanuts.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou sicken me
You sicken me
Decent black licorice is nice. As for the rest of your ungodly loves, burn in hell.
[...] All of this screwing up makes us…well, a little grouchy. So tell us, won’t you, what is the grouchiest you’ve ever been? What made you so grouchy that you just about exploded. Was it the cancellation of Freaks & Geeks? The Yankees winning the World Series? The discontinuation of Chocolate Skittles? [...]
ReplyFuck, it's so hard to read these in lecture.
ReplyOk. I fucking love skittles of all types. But not these
Replythey fucked up with the choco ones but regained my trust with the new ones, soooooo goood
ReplyWOW, I was so overwhelmed by your hate for chocolate Skittles. Though I find it funny I have the complete opposite opinion. I have never been a big fan of Skittles, and I am also not a great fan of anything chocolate. So I am not quite sure why I bought that same package at the check out stand that was screaming at me, but low and behold, when I opened the bag and tried each individual color for the flavor...I LOVED each one! And mixing the flavors even better! I know my opinion means nothing and being a Type 1 Diabetic, I can't eat candy very often but the chocolate Skittles travel well in my purse and any time I have low blood sugar the first thing I will reach for is my 6-12 pieces of chocolate skittles. Now if I can only find places that still stock them as my local stores do not. Thanks for the fun read though I will never agree with you. 8)
Replytypo *"my agony", not "your agony"
ReplyI like chocolate and I like skittles, even the newer sour and tropical varieties, but the chocolate ones were crap. Thanks, for telling me I'm not alone. You too felt your agony. I truly am this histrionic in real life.
Reply