Dear Skittles,
What the fuck are you trying to do to us? Did you really think you’d get away with it? Did you really think the righteous people of the world would stand idly by and let you rape their mouths without crying out for justice?
Stop selling chocolate Skittles. I have no demand beyond that. Actually, no, that’s a lie. I have a whole list of demands:
1. Stop selling chocolate Skittles.
2. Apologize publicly.
3. Jettison all remaining chocolate Skittles—or any regular Skittles which may have been tainted through accidental contact—into space.
4. Euthanize all the diseased, caged rabbits whose shit you harvest to produce the “pudding” flavor.
5. Fire the Japanese guy in marketing who thought this was a good idea.
6. Put the entirety of your research and development budget towards inventing the technology required to make me forget there ever was such a thing.
The worst part of all this, the bitterest betrayal, lies in the fact that you KNEW I’d have to try them. You know damn well I’m not going stand in line at CVS to pay for my nasal spray and Donettes and not scan the candy rack. And what’s waiting there for me? Lo and behold, an airtight bag of baboon crap.
But I didn’t know that. How could I? To my naïve mind, this was a new experience waiting to be enjoyed, an exciting opportunity to take my taste buds on a chocolaty ride to cocoa town, with a possible pit stop in the unincorporated municipality of Donetteville.
Of course, I had my doubts. You don’t survive Circus Peanuts and Lucas and not realize there’s shitty candy out there. But you had my trust, Skittles. You’re one of the respectable candies; one of the good old boys. Since time out of mind, you’ve been there, right alongside M&M’s and Snickers, reliable as a Toyota pickup hauling a load of delicious fruit that hurts to chew.
Even Sour Skittles were all right; I mean, you waited for Warheads and Sour Patch Kids to pave the way, then you went in. You were smart about it. You didn’t blunder down the hall of candydom farting on black licorice and trying to get me to eat it.
You’ve kept your image fresh, too. You’ve got those funny non-sequitor commercials with the sheep-people, and your bags are about as colorful as they come. So when that little voice in my head said “Michael, chocolate Skittles is a terrible idea,” I just stuffed it down into my subconscious with my summer camp memories and all the gay stuff.
But now, it’s all changed. Now I don’t care how many sheep-headed people or Skittle/Midas hybrids or piñata men tell me to lick their brown rainbow, it won’t erase the holocaust that ripped though my mouth that day, or the hours of my life lost retching into a sink and gargling turpentine after downing a handful of “brownie batter.”
For a while, I was convinced my bag had been accidentally filled with compressed chemical pellets or faulty ball bearings. Each hideous flavor was like a depth charge plummeting into my stomach, there to explode and expel a lethal dose of sour hate.
Except S’mores. S’mores was OK. But that’s no excuse.
Especially when the colors you chose are so similar, it’s nearly impossible to sort the merely crappy flavors from the candy-coated abortions. Note to Skittles: no one wants to eat abortions. That’s like the first thing that was established in the history of candy. That’s like RULE ONE.
The saddest thing of all is that now I don’t even like regular Skittles. Your hot Carl of a candy so coated my tongue with caramel excrement that even the fruity deliciousness of standard, God-fearing, American Skittles have lost their luster. The memories are just too painful.
So congratulations. You made the Attack of the Clones of candy.
If there’s any justice in the world, the next time you’re heard from will be your testimony at the Hague when you’re tried for crimes against humanity.
Sincerely,
A guy who’s way too into candy.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 at 12:00 am and is filed under Chocolate, Skittles, candy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 5th, 2009 at 8:15 am
WOW, I was so overwhelmed by your hate for chocolate Skittles. Though I find it funny I have the complete opposite opinion. I have never been a big fan of Skittles, and I am also not a great fan of anything chocolate. So I am not quite sure why I bought that same package at the check out stand that was screaming at me, but low and behold, when I opened the bag and tried each individual color for the flavor…I LOVED each one! And mixing the flavors even better! I know my opinion means nothing and being a Type 1 Diabetic, I can’t eat candy very often but the chocolate Skittles travel well in my purse and any time I have low blood sugar the first thing I will reach for is my 6-12 pieces of chocolate skittles. Now if I can only find places that still stock them as my local stores do not. Thanks for the fun read though I will never agree with you.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
typo *”my agony”, not “your agony”
October 13th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I like chocolate and I like skittles, even the newer sour and tropical varieties, but the chocolate ones were crap. Thanks, for telling me I’m not alone. You too felt your agony. I truly am this histrionic in real life.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
You deserve it my friends.. You’ve gone too far. You want fruit flavored M&Ms o.k. buy Skittles but have you no shame? Those cute little M&M’s ever (excuse the expression) get wind of this and there little delicious chocolate hearts will be broken. Stop being so insensitive and thank your lucky stars you have a choice now between those Skittles and an entire bottle of sleeping pills. WAIT! Don’t. Sometimes we just plain or with nuts do things without realizing.
October 5th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
It’s such a coinedincident. I just got done choking out a review of the new rat in the vat “Sour Wild Berry” flavored Lifesavers candy. Hope you add to that if you can find it in this maze of unbridled opinions somewhere and add your candy lovers spew. One guy wrote before me even mentioned the “foul’ taste of them to begin with like it’s something in the reciepe. Thanks for the hillarious warning about the unmentionables.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
[...] Skittles (S’mores, Brownie and pudding flavors, among others), you’re not alone: Cracked.com has a very funny post about what an evil mixture they [...]
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:02 am
My good fellow, you are the King of Cracked.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Also, chocolate skittle fucking rule.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
My favorite part about all this is that it ended up being one big star wars joke.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
My father gave a bag of chocolate skittles to my brother and I to share. nearly full with only a few eatern. He gave them to two, hyperactive children who are normall banned from candies. We jump at candy when given the chance. We were suspcious.
We fed the skittles to the neighbor’s dog.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I feel your pain. I truly, truly do.
July 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I cried.
I too have suffered the chocolate skittles.
It’s like a mixture of 10cents chocolate and tire rubber.
June 30th, 2009 at 2:40 am
DUDE!! you killed me. I nearly died laughing. I’m at work, I got looks, tears streaming down my face, gfresh explosions of laughter escaping my mouth, despite the hand I clamped tightly over it. Michael Swaim, you should run for office.
Co-worker still looking at me….coz I’m still giggling like an idjit.
June 29th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Loool I’m British&Omg!! I Was In Tears Readin This Looooool..
June 25th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Kyara,
We Americans also have a saying. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Now take that silly extra “u” you like to use in certain words, and shove it.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
you americans have a weird sense of humour…
I don’t think it’s funny at all :S
May 29th, 2009 at 7:33 am
I finally bought a pack. Swaim, you were right. The worst part was throwing a big handful into my mouth, the way I love to do with regular Skittles. Not a good experience.
May 16th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Okay, that was fucking hilarious. I was laughing my ass off! Until you compared that crap to Attack of the Clones. Thats my favorite one. Yeah i’m a romantic, and yeah it is kind off suckish but i love it anyway. Other than that, that was one of the funniest damn things i’ve ever read.
May 4th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
That was pretty much my experience when I had some last year. I got them at CVS, too. I sent my friends a text, and one of the replied “Of course they’re gross, there’s no brown in the rainbow.” I wish that little bit of logic had come to me before I put them on the counter.
May 3rd, 2009 at 8:44 pm
But I like Circus Peanuts!
April 25th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
mmmmmm
chocolate skittles.
were do i get some?
April 21st, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I like chocolate skittles….
April 20th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Fuck! I almost puked my guts out from laughing! I didn’t even know that was POSSIBLE!
April 19th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
[...] Skittles, an abomination deserving of a profanity-laden attack. Cracked’s Michael Swaim fills the void with this vitriolic assault on “the Attack of The Clones of candy.” Warning: article contains lots of language and [...]
April 14th, 2009 at 5:57 am
[...] skittles killed Jesus Posted by FascistRobot in Rants, websites Chocolate Skittles: like being mouth raped by candy! No TweetBacks yet. (Be the first to Tweet this [...]
April 12th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
But… But… I LIKED the chocolate skittles.
Well, I didn’t actually finish the bag, and I’ve had it since my brother moved out of his apartment… like, a year ago…
I wonder if they’re still good.
Well, still “good”.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:58 am
This is without question, the funniest thing i have ever absorbed into my brain.
April 4th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
At least they’re better than fruit Tic Tacs. I don’t know if I just got a bad batch of those, but it was the most concentrated amount of horribly fake fruit that’s ever punched my mouth. Not sure why I ate them all.
April 4th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I feel like all of my exact thoughts were projected through Michael Swaim, once again.
“Note to Skittles: no one wants to eat abortions.”
Marry me?
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:17 am
@lydia hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah you’re hilarious. Thought you were an internet bot, then I realized internet bots have a purpose, like trying to get me to check out dating sites (which just makes me not want to go there, since they’re polluting the comments section). And yours was merely to comment. Thus, you were serious. Which makes it all about 500x better.
April 1st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
thank you so much for exposing this heinous crime against humanity.
March 30th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Man I’ve been going through an internal struggle over whether to try them since I first saw these things. For some reason, the more people say they taste like dog shit, the more I want to try them. wtf is that?
March 28th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Psh, Lucas, a shitty candy?
Stop being such a wimp.
March 28th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I love you, Swaim. And Skittles.
March 28th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Actually, some people in China do eat abortions. Yes, I know this for a fact. No, I have never tried it.
March 27th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
The only place I see these things is the 99 cent store, tried them once, will never try them again.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
hi my name is lydia i’m from the caribbean i live on an island called trinidad an i totally agree wit u not only me my friends too.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Damn… Now I have to try them…
March 24th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I completely agree. For a while, a friend and I did video reviews of candies we’d never seen before on YouTube, and Chocolate Skittles ended up being one of the worse ones we’d ever tried. In fact, I think only thing we ever tried that was worse were the Twizzlers Rainbow Twists, which were just God awful. But at least we expected those to suck.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
This is way too much…writer’s block or slow day I suppose? I LOVE candy and our local Albanese Candy Factory’s gummi bears are the BOMB!!! In fact, the Candy Factory itself is my favorite place for my sugar fix. However, the chocolate skittles are not nearly as bad as many of these people’s taste buds experienced. Most ppl don’t like them, but I’ll eat circus peanuts if there’s no other candy available…so while they didn’t impress me, they also didn’t have a taste resembling anything like poop.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Swaim!! I have not tried these, but was tempted on a few occasions. I thought they looked pretty good even though I HATE regualar Skittles. Sour ones are delicious though. Now I will take this information and share it with the rest of the world…..
March 24th, 2009 at 9:49 am
swaim-
i have also been traumatized by these doppelganger candies.
they draw you in with the inviting, friendly name of “chocolate”…
only to rape your taste buds in an uncomfortable way,
leaving you crying in shame and guilt.
i have never been the same since.
thank you for bringing awareness to this greatly over looked problem in our society today.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Yay! Candy! Yay! Funny article. I laughed.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Whatever man, Circus Peanuts are the best.
As for chocolate skittles, I’ve never heard of them, but they sound like something that Should Not Be.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I should not be laughing this hard at 3am.
Damn you, sir, but your tongue shall never be forgotten for it’s noble sacrifice that allowed you to let us know of the dangers.
However. Sour Skittles are AMAZING. At least, the Egyptian ones are. American Sour Skittles are lame.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I kinda wish we had those in Canada.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
this article made me laugh, cry, then soil myself. i checked my shorts and was not surprised to find a handful of shittles. mars has done an amazing job of fooling peeps into buying small bags of poop beans.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:34 am
Man who eat chocolate skittles is doppleganger of man who scratch ass and bite fingernails later.
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:34 pm
being mouth-raped is an understatement. Its more like having your rectum cut off then being rubbed around in your mouth until our tastebuds vertually die and leave you as a tastless, bloody, rectum less pulp on the floor.
March 22nd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I just bought a bag of this apocalyptic flavored candied vomit. After posting a photo and warning to my Live Journal a friend sent me a link to this article. Which I wish I’d found before I opened the bag.
If I ate homeless sh1t piles off the street for a month. It still wouldn’t erase the brain scarring memory of these vitriolic demon turds.
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
I- I really like chocolate skittles…
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:34 am
Dear Jess and “a little boy”:
Both of you are more than just a little boring. Jess, it is not people like Mr. Swaim that make this world suck, it is people like you and “a little boy”. It is not Mr. Swaim, but both of you that need to get a life. Mr. Swaim should be applauded and commended for taking the time to brighten someone else’s day with a good laugh. And the article was incredibly funny. Advice to “a little boy”: don’t ever post publicly again, because you surely don’t know anything about real humor, and you will just embarrass yourself. Advice to Jess: Don’t embarass yourself further with your lame attempts at including the “public” with your negative downer posts. We the public are not with you. We are with Mr. Swaim, so keep on sharing your insights Mr. Swaim. We love them!
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:03 am
I agree, chocolate skittles taste horrible. I really don’t understand why they’re still sold
March 21st, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Aw man, you are crazy. I’ve had chocolate skittles and they’re pretty decent.
Signed,
A girl who’s way too into candy.
March 21st, 2009 at 6:38 pm
nothing about this article is funny.
also, I hate normal skittles, love sour skittles, and had chocolate skittles once and enjoyed it. but that’s irrelevant, this article just isn’t funny or anything.
March 21st, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Do you have any idea how hard it is to read this sh*t and not burst out laughing? I guess that’s what I get for slacking off at work and reading this instead of working. As long as the boss man doesn’t catch me it’s all good
March 21st, 2009 at 4:57 am
This article is a public service. You deserve a government grant. Or at the very least a bailout when you go bankrupt.
“Mint Skittles”
holy fuck yes I need some
March 21st, 2009 at 1:32 am
You are incredibly hilarious. I find it terrible that I read a couple of funny articles from someone and I develop a crush. So thank you for letting me know I am easy.
Also, I find it rather odd that instead of driving me away from these god-smited candies, I am incredibly curious and will probably purchase them as soon as possible. Again, you have showed me I have a bad trait.
You are very talented though. I’m jealous.
March 20th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Thanks for convincing me to NEVER try those.
You’re a good man.
March 20th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I’m glad there are other people out there who feel as strongly about this as I do.
March 20th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
It’s kinda like biting into a turd and finding some corn in it. Either way they both taste like shit.
March 20th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Chocolate Skittles were crap. Mint Skittles, though… those were epic. Do they still exist?
March 20th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I was deceived! This crap was right next to the M&Ms. Why couldn’t they put it next to Skittles! I bought them thinking these were new assorted M&M flavors. Wow, I was excited to try them! When I first bit into one I thought my gold cap on my molar came off so I spit it out! Not only it tastes like sugar with tree sap on cardboard disguised as M&Ms the texture is just as bad! Oh, by the way, don’t suck on them to avoid chewing (texture). Crap will be CRAP!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
hey, lucas is not sh!tty candy… it’s awesome, specially with fruit
March 19th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
As soon as I popped the first one in my mouth I knew I had been had.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
hell, I couldve told you they were shit without ever eating one! Hard-shelled chocolate candy is M&M’s game
March 19th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
I wonder who thought that these were a good idea… they clearly taste and look like crap. Don’t they have people who test them and say ‘hey, I think you accidentally gave me agent orange in pellet form’ before they mass produce these things?
March 19th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Ugh… I had them one day at the mall. You could really only get them at the dollar store there (first indication that they sucked). It just tasted like brown, amorphous, sugar goop that lacked definable flavour. Not to mention, I haven’t eaten a single Skittle since then (this was Boxing Day).
March 19th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Dear Jess,
Apparently you do not realize that Cracked.com is a comedy site. Thus they are paid to be funny and sometimes complaining about stupid things is funny.
What you also do not realize is that writers usually have a weekly quota. From what I have seen the average for most sites is 2 so I believe that is most likely what Cracked uses as well. As it is Wednesday he probably had no idea what he was going to write about so he made something up on the spot.
Hugs And Kisses,
SHO
March 19th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Seriously. You people that like chocolate Skittles, even just “kinda”… you really need to look into a complete tongue replacement because there is no hope left for your current model. Chocolate Skittles are more vile than even this side-stitch-inducingly-hilarious rant can ever, ever say. I go further than abortion. I say if an abortion could poop, that would give you chocolate Skittles.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
You sir should be a preacher. Chocolate skittles are an abomination and need to be wiped from the face of the earth. Write a book about circus peanuts blowing, and I will buy it. Thank you.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
How very wrong you are about chocolate skittles… Follow the same procedure you would for the fruit variety for creating skittles martinis… best chocolate martinis ever.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
tbSMITH - i agree, one of my first thoughts upon seeing chocolate skittles was “weren’t they already called M&M’s?”
also, thanks everyone for warning me about their vileness before i wasted any of my money on them! of course, now i’m somewhat tempted to go and buy some just to see how bad they actually are xD
March 19th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I kinda like em…
March 19th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
could not have said it better sir.
those do indeed suck the faggotry right out of elton john’s ass hole
March 19th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Seriously? I mean really? Dude…maybe I’ve just got jacked up taste buds I don’t know…I liked chocolate skittles….and I LOVE circus peanuts….of course….candy isn’t the second coming of Christ for me either….I honestly think you truly had nothing to write about during this article…looked around the office….and chose the first thing you saw sitting on someone’s desk.
March 19th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I was expecting something similar to M&M’s with these chocolate Skittles, but I was completely shocked with the first handful when it turned out to be candy-coated Tootsie Roll shit bits…I have been able to eat regular Skittles again, but not without painful re-education and rehabilitation…
March 19th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I always thought this was the case and never tried them even though i love chocolate and skittles… it just didnt seem like a good idea. LMAO good post
March 19th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
“Ok, so if you’re over the age of 10, you should probably not be eating Skittles anymore.”
Holy shit you’re the coolest I bet you never eat candy and live in a swank apartment and bang hot bitches 24/7.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Ok, so if you’re over the age of 10, you should probably not be eating Skittles anymore.
Or maybe just not admitting it.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I’m a children’s librarian. Every month, I host a program called “DS Days” for 4th-6th graders. Despite the name, kids bring whatever portable console they have to the library, group up, and play. We usually let them play wii as well and there are snacks. Now, I live in Columbus, OH and since most people here are fat, bored midwesterners, we’re a very popular test market. This means that we got to “experience” chocolate skittles very early on. I took them to DS Days as a snack, and it was unanimously voted “most horrible food ever” by all of the kids and staff who were unfortunate enough to try them. I kept the bowl of skittles in the break room, hoping someone would eat them, but no one did. Eventually, I threw them all away. I would like to extend my apologies to the parts of the world that are just now getting chocolate skittles. I guess there must have been some people in Columbus who actually went out and bought them regularly. Either that or Skittles Candy manufacturers are single-handedly trying to end the obesity epidemic.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Jess, you do realize this is a joke site, don’t you?
March 19th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Wait, shouldn’t chocolate skittles just be called m&m’s?
March 19th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Dear Fatty,
Get off the complaint trip and go ride a bike. Who cares if there are Chocolate Skittles? Downers like you make this world negative and crappy. Put that energy you got from trying the Chokolate Skittles into doing positive thing in life or go make something better than Chocolate Skittles.
Your’s Truly,
The Public
March 19th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I wonder if this will rant will help skittles remember the time they turned lime into apple in the regular red pack. Remember that?
It wasn’t that apple was terrible, it was just that you couldn’t not have the lime. You guys know what I’m talking about with the grape and lime combo or the delicious mix of the citrus flavors, can’t loose the lime! My recollection is they just slowly faded out apple and brought back lime - which I am in complete agreement that they should do the same with the gross chocolate ones - except make that a fast fade out!
Did you also know that in Europe and Oceania, the grape is black currant flavored? Also, not as good…
March 19th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
omg that sounds nasty! its like trying to combine kittens and puppies! sounds like a great idea at the time but later your standing over two mangled animals asking “why why why”
chocolate skittles, i give you 5 out of 5 bags of dog shit
sick
just sick
March 19th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
wow.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I laughed out loud, especially at the beginning! really well written.
i tried chocolate skittles by accident and guess what … i kept eating them. but i didnt really like them at all. i also tried to pick out the good flavors but htere just werent any!
March 19th, 2009 at 11:56 am
The best thing of all is the URL
chocolate-skittles-killed-jesus
OMG LMAO
Hilarious!
March 19th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Yeah they really nasty.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:41 am
So unfunny you read everything they write? Hilarious prose, inho.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Not funny, never funny. © Cracked
March 19th, 2009 at 11:35 am
While pulling off a world record attempt, a supporter brought in a bag of those.
Oh, sabotage.
Thank you for finally shedding light on how truly abominable those “chocolate” skittles are. Also, how did “vanilla” skittle sneak in there?
March 19th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Jesus - you’re really passionate about your…um…Skittles, aren’t you? They weren’t That bad. Kinda like to see how you reacted to the oompa loompas out there in Candy Land making Peeps. Huh? Anything mouth raping going on there?
March 19th, 2009 at 11:12 am
worse candy i’ve ever tasted…
March 19th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I was cryin readin this hahahaha funniest thing ive read on this site
Note to Skittles: no one wants to eat abortions. That’s like the first thing that was established in the history of candy. That’s like RULE ONE.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:54 am
http://jeanniebeans.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/Article/Index/article/Taste-my-Rainbow-1226206
Taste My Rainbow!
March 19th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Wow…really? So topical, 2 years ago, when Chocolate Skittles were the hot new item. Jeez guys.
March 19th, 2009 at 10:32 am
What? I like the chocolate Skittles. Why do you hate them so much Swaim? Why so much hate?!
March 19th, 2009 at 10:22 am
hahaha. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time! I will never have and never will try chocolate skittles especially after this!
March 19th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Great, this article just made me want Lucas, and those watermelon pops covered in chili powder…. Mexican candy…mmm
March 19th, 2009 at 10:18 am
i couldn’t agree with you more sir; you’re a gentleman and a patriot. Let a great disease sweep through the halls of the Mars Corporation for subjecting my palette and eighty nine cents to such a Tootsie Roll-esque hellscape.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Hey, “Attack of the Clones” had a midriff-bearing Natalie Portman in it, plus a good few “It’s cold in this spaceship” shots, if you know what I mean. Now, “The Phantom Menace” of candy I can see. That thing was a merciless pile of poo.
Just my two Skittles.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:42 am
But …I like chocolate Skittles!!!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Holy shit, you are funny. And chocolate skittles are obviously part of a government conspiracy instigated by arnold schwarzenegger to fool innocent children into thinking that candy = yucky in a vain attempt to quell the increasing obesity crisis in america. duh.
March 19th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Oh I couldn’t agree more - I’m a type 1 diabetic so I don’t get to enjoy skittles like the rest of you, but they are in fact my go to candy if my sugars get too low. My chocolate skittles story had me driving home in a nasty two hour Chicago commute. My sugars were ok through hour one, but started to plummet in hour two. I pulled off the HWY to get a fix - pulling up to the candy wall my eyes immediately focused on the “NEW” Chocolate Skittles sitting next to ole’ reliable skittles “Original”, Berry, Smoothie, and not so reliable Sour. Chocolate and SKittles? This could quite possibly be the greatest day in all my life! I grabbed the bag - slapped a $5.00 bill on the counter and told them to keep the change. Ran to my car damn near a diabetic coma and proceded to bust into my normal skittles routine - seperate colors …. count to make sure they didn’t stiff me on a flavor … damn “The Man” screwed me on two Vanilla - travesty, but I’ve got moments to live … Lets do this. I tracked through my song book on my cars mp3 player and settled on Public Enemies “Rebel without a Cause” cranked the volume to 11 … bam lets roll! Closed my eyes … threw down Vanilla first - huh? I thought to myself. Brownie Batter … bam … oh no! What have I done? Chocolate Pudding …. I remember at that point a tear rolling down my cheek and In my best “GOB from Arrested Development” a remember mouthing the words “I think I’ve made a huge mistake”. I struggled, but got up the nerve and downed Chocolate Caramel - how can one screw up caramel? Its caramel for christ sakes …. I got back on the hwy … traffic had subsided a bit. Still crying I thumbed through the song book and settled on whatever “Break Up with your girlfriend” songs I could find and put the volume at about 6 or 7 … I don’t remember, but I began to sing “Oh Mandy, you came and you left without …..” - “Shes gone, Shes gone … oh my …. what went wrong ….”. To the makers of Skittles- I dump you!
March 19th, 2009 at 9:27 am
[...] Thanks to the Facebook gods, I was treated to a link today which lead me to a hilarious post at Crac… [...]
March 19th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I am totally addicted to nasal spray, too lol
March 19th, 2009 at 8:54 am
i want to try them now
March 19th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Funny, coming from someone who helped develop Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans…
Just kidding. I ain’t mad at Skittles, tho’. In fact, I’m eating their new Crazy Cores riiight now.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:18 am
That was funny as haaaaaaa, hilarious!!!!
March 19th, 2009 at 8:16 am
[...] letter to Skittles is one of a love story gone awry. You can read it in entirety at Chocolate Skittles: Like Being Mouth Raped By Candy. That’s [...]
March 19th, 2009 at 7:15 am
I HAVE to try these now.
March 19th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Never tried them- but you know what? When I first heard about them I thought “DING! bad idea”. So right then and there I’ve decided to never ever try them, not even out of starvation. So there- I saved myself.
As for tootsie rolls- even some tootsie rolls taste bad…(Can you pass the lime ones over here?). I don’t know- pink tootsie roll is a little unnatural, but you could always point me in the dirrection of saltwater taffy…(I don’t like those either).
Where the hell is Willie Wonka when you need him?
March 19th, 2009 at 6:40 am
I can’t stand fake fruity candy so the addition chocolate makes skittles almost edible to me!
March 19th, 2009 at 6:40 am
That….. That was beautiful! I thought I was the only one who felt like that!
March 19th, 2009 at 5:54 am
[...] Read [...]
March 19th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Every time I see them I can’t help thinking “thats such a horrible idea, i bet they’re disgusting”. I can’t imagine chocolate flavor mixed with skittle consistency would taste even remotely good.
Strangely, this makes me want to try them to see if they’re actually that bad.
Somebody out there must be buyin em because they’re still makin em!
March 19th, 2009 at 5:50 am
WOW. I had the SAME feeling when I ate two of those baboon bits. Awful.
March 19th, 2009 at 5:13 am
If this is how you truely FEEL about…not just skittles…but every candy, I suggest a book called Candy Freak by Steve Almond.
March 19th, 2009 at 4:10 am
I bet he ate the whole freakin bag
March 19th, 2009 at 2:27 am
toyota pickups are so fucking reliable
March 19th, 2009 at 1:49 am
AMEN BROTHER!
God they taste horrible.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Way to rip off Max Power’s article by bring up completely different points, having coherency and readability, and making it funny.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:20 am
So this somethingawful site is the one and only site that’s allowed to negatively review candy? And I suppose AVGN is the only one who can hate on games? And by that logic every vehicle on earth that’s not a Ford is a Ford ripoff?
March 18th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Hey look, it’s a somethingawful badcandy review ripoff.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Oh, and, before anyone thinks we’re above the insanity, chocolate gummy bears. Very popular here.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Skittles have been my /thing/ for the past couple of weeks, though I will say deviating in any way from the fruit flavour is a bad idea. There’s some abomination hanging around now that has chilli in the strawberry and that irritating chemical that gives you an itchy cooling feeling in the back of your throat. Bad enough on their own, but given people’s tendencies to just pour a whole assortment out and eat the whole handful, at the same time? Baaaaaad idea. Thank god the chocolate one hasn’t reached Australia yet. I just know I’d try them.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I tasted these for halloween my nefew had and I had the bad insight to mix two flavors at once thinking and trusting in skittles be awsome and BAM I was next to the toilet spitting them out like just ate a handfull of dirt mixed with puke.
I screamed out ” This is the kinda candy you give to your worst enemy ” then I thought ” who was giving out this candy ” who do I know but they must have hated halloween and trick or treaters for that matter.
Trick or treat or right and I got the trick.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
michael i am a michael and couldnt agree more with you about this vile offense to the taste buds but the worst was what happened when i tried the random blast on the first handful of the bag yep went straight for it no savoring flavors and it was more like a pot of poo at the end of that rainbow.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Don’t send them into space, the aliens may take it as an act of war.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
See, I never bothered trying them. I knew they were gonna be awful. The only thing that should be chocolate flavored is chocolate. I can’t even fuck with chocolate Water Ice.
I’m also a guy who’s way too into candy. Missing-two-molars-into-candy.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
I kinda liked the brownie one.. tasted like tootsie roll… but other than that… not really =/
March 18th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
lol, very humorous…but I enjoyed them…
I dunno what the fuss is all about…the tootsie roll comment below I think is pretty fitting…the vanilla ones are good…I think there was only one that I wasn’t incredibly happy with but I forget which flavor that was…
Oh well, more for me I suppose
March 18th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I knew this was a dark, sinster plan of satan(or whatever Demoic demi-god you worship)the moment I heard about these. As I made my way thorugh the grocery check out ailse I was ready with my with crosses, holywater, and guns shaped like crosses that shot holywater. For so long I was victorious in this battle against evil. Then my ex(the female incarnate of Beelzebub) dropped our son off. When he opened his bookbag a dark vortex erupted and there they were, with eyes glowing read and a set of teeth like baraka he offered me the bag and I was compelled by forces stronger then me to try them.
I had to spit them out as my son popped more in his mouth saying simply “Well I like them”. After the exorcism failed I had to disown him, what else could I do?
March 18th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
They were so bad I called the company and complained. They sent me coupons for free candy, in penance.
March 18th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I guess I’m the only one who was creeped to the core by Pinata man…
March 18th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
I first tried these abominations on November 11th 2008, a day I will not soon forget. It was a spur of the moment purchase at a gas station, simply to satisfy my curiosity. I decided to eat them as I would normal skittles, ripping off a corner and pouring as many as I could into my mouth. I made the mistake of doing this while pulling out of the gas station. I had no method of spitting them out so I simply grimaced and tried to bear it. This putrid shit over powered me. I ended up pulling over and puking all over my shoes. An hour later I could still taste the vomit and chocolate skittles; the skittles being far worse. The stomach acid that burned my throat was nothing compared to the caramel fecal matter residue lingering in my mouth. Thank you for your article. I now know I’m not alone. I hope one day we can put our trauma behind us and let the healing begin.
March 18th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
i think i’ll try them now…
March 18th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Chocolate Skittles are good. They’re like tootsie rolls but better!
March 18th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I did the same thing, sir. And then, I cried.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Shed a tear…soo funny
March 18th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I remember seeing that pinata man commercial for the first time and laughing so hard I spit soda out my nose.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I burst out laughing at the abortion thing.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Rule two: don’t flavor non-chocolate candy like chocolate. That’s where it goes horribly wrong.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
I don’t like normal Skittles, and that’s kept me from picking up any of these… If they’re worse than regular Skittle, man. I don’t wanna go near ‘em.
As a related discussion about combining two things together, anyone remember the coffee/coke combo that was out for a short time? Two awesome tastes, combined? THOSE THINGS WERE HORRIBLE. It wasn’t even the taste as much as the smell. If you held your nose, you could drink them, but they still weren’t good. If you didn’t hold your nose, they were nauseating.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
this article speaks the truth
March 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
there is no possible way this article could be more true.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
I thought I was the only one, Swaim. Well, not the only one who didn’t like them, but the only one who would go to this extent to let it be known.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Send me any chocolate Skittles you’ve got left over….I’ll eat the ever-livin-hell outta them. They’s damn gooood!
No, really, I’m serious, send me ‘em.
Today.
In the mail.
To my house.
I want to eat them now.
I’ll even video my enjoyment of them and post it to YouTube for you to watch.
Stop reading now and send them to me.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I like chocolate skittles… maybe im just weird
This article was fucking hilarious, though!
March 18th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
what is with everyone and different kinds of rape… first I read an article including baby rape… then I read an article about mouth rape…what ever happened to ordinary dangerous tornado spewing dinosaur rape?
March 18th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I actually tryed them today and I gotta say they taste good except for the smore flavor that tastes like shit.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I like to eat abortions. I troll high school dumpsters after prom night.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I tried them, and they tasted like being anally raped.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Whilst in the U.S over Christmas i bought some of these odd ‘candies’ thinking how much of a delightful departure they were from the normal rainbow piss offered by skittles but i have to agree they were awful, especially the names given for the different flavors.
Hopefully the brown rainbow will never reach across the Atlantic to the U.K and we will be spared.
Now peanut butter M&M’s on the other hand are a mark of pure genius.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I have seen these at the store and they look like the most god awful things. I love Skittles! It is a good thing that I don’t like chocolate!
I bet my wife would eat them though.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Holy crap, ”Each hideous flavor was like a depth charge plummeting into my stomach” made me lose my shit.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Thanks, Swaim. That line about the candy-coated abortions made me laugh so hard my mom found out I wasn’t really doing math homework.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Hey! I like Lucas! (probably since I’m right by the border)
But Chocolate skittles are very nasty.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
my mom bought them she made me try one. i don’t even remember what it tasted like, but i remember it sucked. strangely, my mom loved them. i am deeply concerned about her health.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
lol this reminds me when i combined Cocoa Pebbles with Fruity Pebbles
AWFUL , HORRIBLE, and other synonyms for bad
what’s next? sour M&M’s ??
March 18th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I seriously wonder though, who the hell was sitting around in their marketing office thinking, “You know what would taste GREAT? Let’s take a fruit-flavored candy that has been around for ages, and let’s take tootsie rolls. Then, let’s rape them both, take their sick, demented love-child, and SELL them! It’ll be excellent! People everywhere will want them.”
Worst day ever when I thought I’d try them. Never again am I trying new candy. NEVER!!
March 18th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I thought they were pretty good.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
It took you this long to eat chocolate skittles? I ate them the first few days it came out (and then never again)
Dudeydude: What’s wrong with almond m&ms?
March 18th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I said almost the same thing when I threw up the pack of chocolate skittles I bought a few months ago.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
http://www.caseydeville.com
March 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
I completely agree with this article. I bought myself one of those “airtight bags of baboon crap” one day, thinking to myself, “gee, I like chocolate and I like Skittles. What could possibly go wrong?”
What went wrong? Everything. Just… Everything.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Man.
I have to try those now.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
There’s chocolate skittles? We must’nt have ‘em across the pond. Curse you America, with your “chocolate skittles” and your “almond m&m’s”. Curse you!
Also, at the end of that skittles ad, i thought he yelled out “I jizz like everyone else!” and i burst out laughing.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
im positive that shittles was a conan o’brien joke a few years ago…
March 18th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I work in marketing for a grocery chain. We were given chocolate skittles to sample before they hit the stores. Honest to god, we thought it was a joke. Everyone in the office thought they were terrible!! Unfortunatley, we couldn’t stop them from hitting the shelves. Baboon shit is quite possibly the best description of heard for these putrid “candies”
March 18th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I agree with you completely, right down to the S’mores being okay. However, there is one inaccuracy in your article; there are indeed people who would like to eat abortions. Trust me, I know.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Is it bad that this article makes me want to try the chocolate skittles?
March 18th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I don’t think we have these in Australia yet.
I’m afraid now that if we ever get them here I’ll have to try them because I’m so damn curious.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
well said. however, the real menace is diet cherry chocolate dr. pepper. it’s like drinking a tootsie pop that got left out in the sun.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I know it wasn’t your intention to boost sales of this shit… But having just read this article and then seeing the offending product in the corner store on my lunch break, my curiosity got the best of me. Under no circumstances should anyone consume this shit. They are absolutely foul, and 3 coworkers agree. And you didn’t even mention the horrific aftertaste which is still with me an hour later.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Abortions are tasty.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
ps. I do not want to meet hot millionaire singles.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I agree totally with Chocolate Skittles. I tried this foul concoction once. This candy coated little orbs quite quickly rob your soul of all that is good and just. It’s like being Bitch slapped but paying for the experience.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
couple things
1) the Candy Rule #1 picture is hilarious-ness.
2) Crazy core skittles are the best ones they have put out thus far.
3) I don’t see why circus peanuts get such a bad rap. Granted one cannot eat more than like 10 in a sitting, but for those 10 they are friggin’ delicious.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Hah, this reminds me of a research project on Mars, Inc. that I should be working on. Here’s a fun fact for my fellow nerds: Did you know that most non-Americans hate Hershey chocolate? They think its sour or something.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Oh my goodness! I was in my local conveinience store, seriously debating if I wanted to buy them or not…like many people, I love chocolate, I love Skittles - the hybrid just makes so much sense! Now, I’m MORE torn with avoiding them or trying them - just to be sure! I think I may just buy them when I’ll be with a group of friends and share them - that way, I suffer less if they are bad, or I like them and look awesome to those that like them.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I agree completely (though not necessarily in such strong terms). Even on the S’mores flavor. At least, I think it was them; one of the flavors tasted like honey.
In any case, the healing can now begin. Incidentally, I have on good experience that Crazy Core Skittles help the healing process…
March 18th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I totally fucking agree. My mother surprised me with a movie sized fucking box of those little assholes. They looked like such a great idea at first, chocolate is good, skittles are good, what could go wrong? I had no idea it was Mars candy getting ready to stick it’s dick in my ass. You should recover in a week or so, at least I did.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
“…the hot Carl of candy…” Brilliant!
PS: I believe I have too much fecal trivai knowledge for my own good.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
someone liked them, because they were approved for retail sale
March 18th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I tried these and then gave them to my friend who is essentially a human garbage disposal for candy.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
You should come to England and try the new experimental flavours of Walkers crisps. They’re having a contest where you got to suggest flavours, and the six best flavours got made, and the most popular one will become a permanent fixture. I really hope it’s not Chili and Chocolate flavour that wins. I literally had to wash my hands after eating them. And I don’t wash my hands often. I can go and take a crap, then be wiping my ass, and push my fingers through the toilet paper, and get poo all over my hands as my fingers slide into my anus, and I will think, “Perhaps I might wash my hands once I’m done.” But Chili and Chocolate Walkers crisps- I washed my hands straight away. They were that nasty.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
By the way, to the people who don’t know “wtf” is that Lucas thing: it’s a liquid candy made of tamarind pulp. There are more Lucas candies, like Lucas powder. They are all a little spicy (the keywords here are “a little”. I think the reason that you Americans don’t like those kinds of candies is because you aren’t accustomed to that flavors. Don’t worry, it’s a cultural thing, it’s not your fault. =P
March 18th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
YEah i have to agree with J on this one
March 18th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Swaim i agree that chocolate skittles are the worst,
but damn it Lucas is the best candy ever made that stuff is addicting but then again lots of americans dont really like the spicy mexican candy like indy,lucas,etc
March 18th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
they are gross.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Also, I forgot to say, you did not include Zero bars with the good candies. Those things are the shit. Meaning, not shit, but THE shit. As in awesome. Like a mouthgasm.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Lucas, a shitty candy? Come to Mexico and repeat that to all the kiddies who enjoy the “Gusano” (the one you pictured), or the Lucas powder. Or maybe it’s that you are a pussy who can’t bear chilli flavors? Mexican 2-year-olds can…
March 18th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
“when not using his own tongue as a first line of defense…”
This I think I like.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I loved the original Lucas, but they dont make it anymore. I wonder why. Maybe it had too much lead or something.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I don’t know if you realized it when you thanked them for not making black licorice and farting on it, but I have heard before that they did actually sell “Liquorice Skittles” in Europe at one time.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Swaim, I feel your exquisite fury. And those Skittles probably taste like ass, but I must disagree with you on Circus Peanuts. They are wondrous and delicious.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Dude Swaim you are the best. I always enjoy reading your articles and literally reel in pain with laughter from your expressive creativity. Keep up the damn good work!
March 18th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
thank jeebus someone said it. Carnival Skittles were the absolute worse though….ugh the taste of asscrack…..
March 18th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@ DB It literally impossible for Swaim to have copied your little piece, it sucked too hard. Circus peanuts are similar to cardboard, lucas is just acid in a pouch, and I still do not understand how db fraizer could even pretend his article was as funny as Swaim’s.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I, too, have unfortunately subjected my taste buds to this monstrosity. Why do you hate me so, Skittles?
March 18th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Chocolate skittles are pretty good. Could use less flavors.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I hang my head in shame that I am one of the few who LOVE the chocolate shit-coated chemical spill that is Chocolate Skittles. I will hang my head, chew with my mouth close, and drool to myself while I inhale yet another bag of fake chocolatey goodness.
P.S. Circus Peanuts taste what my brain imagines ceiling insulation would taste like — maybe it’s just because it’s the same color.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Screw this article, I like chocolate skittles and circus peanuts :O
March 18th, 2009 at 11:53 am
First thing I thought when I saw these abominations:
They already make chocolate Skittles. They’re called M&Ms.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:40 am
I go out of my way to find chocolate Skittles. Everywhere I go, I find they’re the one flavor Skittle that is sold out or has just a bag or two left. Regardless of your taste buds inability to tell you that you have a little chocolate piece of heaven in your mouth, the article is hilarious.
PS: Circus peanuts rule.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:39 am
This was hilarious. I loved the dig at star wars, and just how exagerated it all way. Everyone has had that moment when they take a bite of something they expect to be good and it tastes horrible.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:34 am
CRAP..Now I HAVE to try them! UGH I can’t just take your word for it..No sir..I will have to eat the candy to see if your correct in what you say.
Damn you Michael!
March 18th, 2009 at 11:31 am
how many analogies can you think of swaim?
please take the following challenge:
send me a message containing every analogy you can think of for those shitty skittles.
i repeat the word CHALLENGE.
you hear that swaim?
a CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 18th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Circus Peanuts are fucking awesome. Not everything has to resemble (either in taste or texture) fresh warm semen to be considered “good” Swaim.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Actually, max power, I’M an ignorant, unoriginal whore. I hate Chocolate Skittles too. And I hated them long before you wrote your piece, so maybe you copied off me.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am
http://www.corporatewhoredom.com/2008/11/pure-evilwith-a-colorful-candy-coating/
Swaim, you ignorant, unoriginal whore.
you’re late to the chocolate skittles are shit-coated bits of shit with a chewy shit center party. and the party sucks shit.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:06 am
CopyCats
http://www.corporatewhoredom.com/2008/11/pure-evilwith-a-colorful-candy-coating/
March 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I was part of a candy tasting club (sad? funny? awesome? Whatever, it was delicious!) We tried these shurgar turds one day, but after that the candy club was never the same. There was some sort of shame in the air and we kind of disbanded. This article made me realize that we were flavor raped, and that it wasn’t our fault we got raped, it was the Skittles. Thanks Michael Swaim for showing me the light. Hey, maybe Ill call up the old candy crew and see if we can’t give it another go!
P.S. The S’mores were OK.
March 18th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Yo, Swaim you are officially a piece of shit for hating on Lucas.
P.S.
Eat a thousand wee-wees and die.
March 18th, 2009 at 10:36 am
The crazy cores are good man…
March 18th, 2009 at 10:20 am
I like Chocolate Skittles©. I think everyone should buy lots of Chocolate Skittles© and have a great time eating them! You might also want to try new Skittles Crazy Cores©!
March 18th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Great, now I REALLY have to try those.
March 18th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Actually I find I totally agree with this. When I first saw them, they looked great. But they are a total epic fail.
March 18th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I LOVE CIRCUS PEANUTS!!! But yeah chocoskittles look disgusting…
March 18th, 2009 at 9:37 am
downing a handful of brownie batter actually sounds pretty good
March 18th, 2009 at 9:33 am
There are chocolate Skittles!? Are they only available in the US? Because I really want to try them! They sound disgusting and everything, but I don’t like missing out on candy mouth-rapings.
Great article by the way, Swaim - didn’t know somebody could feel such anger and hatred towards a food product.
March 18th, 2009 at 9:24 am
OH michael, michael i could have warned you….warned you away from the horror…..so sad….next time come to me first….i will show you the way……
March 18th, 2009 at 9:06 am
I’m haven’t actually tasted these yet but now I’m really curious to see what they taste like.
You see I want to know what shit really taste like…..without actually eating shit.
March 18th, 2009 at 9:01 am
This is my exact experience with Chocholate Skittles - even finding them and buying them on a non-related CVS journey.
But, unlike you, I was successful in putting it out of my mind. Until now… thanks a lot.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:49 am
This. This entire “letter”. This is how I feel!
“Except S’mores. S’mores was OK. But that’s no excuse.” << Even this part.
My brain TOLD me “It’s gonna suck ass and you know it.” But I was never prepared for the piece-of-crap that was each Chocolate Skittles flavor. Any person that ever said the words “They aren’t so bad.” must have been robots! Robots with bad taste buds.
Never again will I bother buying a Skittles. Regular or Chocolate. Or Sour flavor, cause those were addicting yet torture for the tongue.
*shivers* I need to go find real chocolate now to drown out the flavor of those Chocolate Skittles I tried when they were released. Oh, man, the pudding. I need a bath room!
March 18th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Wow, this is awkward. I actually like chocolate skittles…
March 18th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Here Here! Thise things were terrible, its like a shit hurricane came in my mouth.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I haven’t even tried Chocolate Skittles because it sounds disgusting. I am obsessed with candy and eat it often (with the exception of this Lenten season because I gave it up for 40 days which is actually insane and masochistic!) Listen, don’t mix chocolate with the traditional sugar candies. Keep the candy separate yet equal. What next, sour M & M’s? Ridiculous!
March 18th, 2009 at 8:31 am
worst. idea. ever. “shittles,” indeed.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:27 am
I’m surprised I’m the first to mention this, but some people DO want to eat abortions. Just watch the short japanese documentary Dumplings for a horrifying example.
At least, I assume it was a documentary. It seemed to have such high production value…………
0_0
March 18th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Damn it Swaim, it’s *cough* too late for me. Go on *cough cough* without me! LIVE YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU CAN!
March 18th, 2009 at 8:26 am
It’s too late, Michael. Your money is already ours. Like so many puppets in a puppet show of death, the people will continue to buy Chocolate Skittles and there is nothing you can do to stop it. We have already won.
- Lex Luthor
President, Skittles
March 18th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I love that you mention that the s’mores are OK. Because, seriously, if they were just made of the s’mores skittles, I’d eat them. They taste fine, while the rest of the skittles taste faintly of what can only be described as old gasoline.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Swaim - How much money has Skittles paid you to write this article?
This seems like a publicity stunt to me!
With the 5 or so people on the board motivated to try them to see how bad they really are, you must have increased Shittles sales by roughly 500%.
I believe Skittles would have known this (only a person who convenes with the Devil would put out an abomination like Chocolate Skittles); thus they probably paid you a hefty some of $0.35 to write this article and boost there sales.
So much for Journalistic integrity.
Btw…great article!
March 18th, 2009 at 8:22 am
i can not stress my hate of these enough, i was tricked into first eating them and I still harbor a grudge against the woman who tricked me
March 18th, 2009 at 8:16 am
That “pinata man” commercial was more disturbing to me than informative. Is that how you sell candy to children? Pinatas coming to life to seek revenge?
Is your mouth watering or are you drooling out of fear?
I’m glad I read this article cause I’m a candy appreciator myself and eventually I would’ve gotten around to this.
Now I know to keep walking when I see this product.
Now I know how cruel a candy company can be.
And that evil…has a soft candy shell…
March 18th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Goddamned circus peanuts made me sick.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Hot-carl of a candy. Oh my God.
March 18th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I concur. I had this mouthful of offal at a friend’s house, and he doesn’t even want me to come over anymore, since I spewed all over his couch and coffee table. Chocolate skittles ruins friendships.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:59 am
That was an amazing article! The first time that I saw these at the store I was like “Wow, this could be the new M&M’s” and I couldn’t have been movie excited because I was getting pretty bored of plain M&M’s. I tried Brownie Batter first and that destroyed my body but then I tried Pudding and that destroyed my soul… I definitely agree that this experience goes into the “repressed memory” folder in my mind…
March 18th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Aren’t M&M’s already chocolate skittles?? This is horseshit.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I love sour skittles. What I didn’t understand was double sour skittles. They were the same damn thing. They have gotten desperate and responded to this desperation with faulty marketing ploys.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I hated those, too.
If I wanted chocolate, I’d buy a freaking Hershey’s bar or something.
WHY WOULD YOU RUIN SKITTLES??
March 18th, 2009 at 7:42 am
“Except S’mores. S’mores was OK. But that’s no excuse.”
i lol’d rather hard at that one.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Aye, aye.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Wow, not one commentor has anything good to say for chocolate Skittles? I haven’t tried them yet, as I’ve been avoiding them, but now I’ve got to, haha. Carnival Skittles sounds delicious, however. I never saw them in stores. When did they come out?
March 18th, 2009 at 7:24 am
I bought a bag of these on my way to the airport. Try flying to London with a bag of this candy coated evil. Now I hate London cause it took 3 days to wash the taste out of my mouth.
I know where they got the flavour ideas. I bet it’s like tossing Bubba’s salad in prison, yeah, that must be it.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:04 am
i saw this god-awful excuse for a candy in the grocery store the other day and i immediately wondered why they didn’t just go straight to “SKITTLES CHOCOLATE CEREAL”
March 18th, 2009 at 7:04 am
I have to disagree with you, Will. While being mouth raped is not pleasurable for most, there is a very small percentage of the population that gets a thrill out of it. Chocolate Skittles on the other hand… nobody has ever enjoyed those.
March 18th, 2009 at 7:03 am
I believe these Chocolate Skittles were discontinued. They’re not listed on Skittles official website (such as it is). That doesn’t mean that I don’t see them all the time in stores … maybe Skittles is just disavowing responsibility.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Thanks for writing about this SWAIM, but don’t exaggerate. The real-life experience of being mouth raped has to be at least 20% worse than chocolate skittles.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I just stuffed it down into my subconscious with my summer camp memories and all the gay stuff.
LOL!
March 18th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I had sour Skittles once. They made me hurt. I kind of wish they were still around, though.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:54 am
I knew it was wise to avoid those.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I still love you, Swaim, but I like the AV Club’s taste tests better (http://www.avclub.com/features/taste-test/)
March 18th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Yeah, I remember that nagging thought telling me, “that’s a horrible idea.” I guess I got lucky and I listened and now I’ll be sure to continue to NOT eat chocolate Skittles.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Thank you so much, I thought I was going insane when my friend told me that he actually enjoyed consuming this kiln-fired shit. Validation never tasted so, inappropriately delicious?
Cheers buddy.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Me and my friends call them Shittles
March 18th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Yeah… I remember the time I tried chocolate skittles.
How can I not remember? The wretchedness of the candy is something that tattoos your brain. Luckily, I started on my pack right as Indiana Jones IV was started on the big screen. After a mouthful of chocolate skittles, even that shit log of a movie seemed tolerable.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Chocolate skittles? Im gonna have to try me some of that.
Though their are loads of sweets in America that don’t make their way over here.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I want to hate you but I can’t. You’re just too damn funny. What about those special edition skittles that came in, hmmm, a black bag maybe? There was cotton candy, bubble gum, green slushy, candy apple and (my fave) red liquorice. Those were the only skittles ever that didn’t turn into a bitter vomit candle after 15 minutes. And they tasted EXACTLY like what they were supposed to. Even the vague Green slushy. You put it in your mouth and you were all like “ya man…I see now. Green…Slushy…”
The inventor of those should get the Nobel piece prize for best uhh…pieces of stuff.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:19 am
“standard, God-fearing, American Skittles” cracked me up
March 18th, 2009 at 6:12 am
genius article…but somehow, even though i havent heard of them til now, i really want to give them a try to see the horrors for myself (i think im just suicidal)
March 18th, 2009 at 6:03 am
“No one wants to eat abortions.”
Fifty bucks says I can find a Japanese website that begs to differ.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:03 am
I kinda like Chocolate Skittles.
Except the dark chocolate flavor.
That is all.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Attack of the Clones is classic. You’re talking about the Ed Wood original, right?
March 18th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Wow, I can’t believe so few people know about Lucas. All I know is that every Mexican kid in middle school ALWAYS had at least one bottle on their person. It’s just shit-salt by the way.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:52 am
There are a lot of masochistic people commenting today.
If you really want to try chocolate skittles just have someone
take a shit in your mouth. At least with that you can have an experience a little more pleasant
March 18th, 2009 at 5:38 am
“… Lo and behold, an airtight bag of baboon crap”
Thanks for the advice
not going there… never going there!
Thanks Swaim
March 18th, 2009 at 5:30 am
That Lucas thing looks like fun for the whole rectum. WTF is that thing?
March 18th, 2009 at 5:19 am
I always assumed it was common sense to leave those things alone. I saw these once. I pretty much knew Skittles and chocolate don’t go together and make no sense so I left them alone. They look nasty just by the brown bag alone. A friend offered me some and I still said no cause I knew they would be bad.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:18 am
The line….”Euthanize all the diseased, caged rabbits whose shit you harvest to produce the “pudding” flavor.” …almost got me in trouble at work for laughing so loud.
Thanks Swaim.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:17 am
My god, did I write this article without knowing, or is there really someone out there who had the exact same damn response to those brown abominations? Except, even the S’mores sucked.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Wait, what on Earth is “Lucas” and why does it come in a fuel funnel?
March 18th, 2009 at 4:55 am
I have an anology:
Imagine Skittles and M&Ms are teenage skanks. Skittles is borrowing M&Ms’ black party dress, using it to pretend she’s M&Ms, and then is spitting in guy’s mouths when she’s macking with them.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:47 am
The funny thing about “new” products, is stores get these things forced down their fucking throats before they are officially launched, and have to sit on them prior to the date they are to be sold, and in the instances of a flop product, youre fucking hung with mounds of the shit that you cant get rid of.
I work in a grocery store, and we got 25 cases of the things prior to the launch, and they sat there in the way for 2 weeks before we could put them out. So when the “big day came” and we put them out, anyone who bought them realized they tasted like pure camel shit, and never bought them again, instead choosing to spread the word so no one else, thankfully, would either. Now we have 24 cases (each with 3 boxes with 24 packages of Skittle hatred in them) that we will no doubt have till they expire in 2037. On that note, theyre on sale for 5 for 99 cents… CANADIAN cents, if anyones interested,
March 18th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Now THIS is how to bitch about an unappealing candy. Most of us would just say, “That candy sucks!” and go about our daily lives
…but not Swaim.
Wow.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:23 am
well done
March 18th, 2009 at 4:06 am
funniest article ever
March 18th, 2009 at 4:05 am
I liked Chocolate Skittles for a day or two, before realizing they’re worse than Diet Mountain Dew, which tastes like liquid earwax.
March 18th, 2009 at 4:02 am
Although you have clearly stated to not try it, what you have done is inspired many to hunt these little bad boys down to shove them down their throats, just to feel your pain.
You’re like the guy who has a spoonful of shit and says, “Oh god, this is awful, this is the worst thing i have ever tried, here try it, you’ll hate it, it’s so gross, you gotta try it”.
No thank you sir Swaim, no thank you indeed.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:51 am
i totally agree. its almost the same with those crazy core skittles. utter dissapointment. warn the masses.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:49 am
I’ve had a problem with Skittles in general. Anyone remember “Carnival” Skittles? Who wants to eat candy (generally, by definition, sweet) that tastes like buttered popcorn? NO-ONE.
Mind you, I even hate fruit Skittles. M&Ms anyday.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:47 am
As someone who’s unfortunately tried these horrible things, I have to completely agree with Swaim.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:32 am
These abominations had better get across the equator- you’ve tempted me. I have to try them now. I have to get to America, just to try bad candy. Dammit, why am I still a child!?!
March 18th, 2009 at 3:31 am
I need to go buy that tshirt that says shittles tast the asshole from tshirt hell
March 18th, 2009 at 3:31 am
I totally fucking agree.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:14 am
I wish you had published this article before I made the mistake of buying chocolate skittles. Blegh. You are so right. I thought they had accidentally mixed them up with their prototype flavour “garbage skittles”.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:02 am
This sounds worse than candy corn. Which already taste like an abortion the boyfriend is tricked into paying for.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Thank you so much for saying what I’ve been feeling for months now every time I walk into the 7-11. This was absolute betrayal to my taste buds, and it made me even angrier since I declared two years ago I would never buy skittles again out of pure hatred for that singing rabbit advert that drove me insane. I thought, well they took the effort to make this product to beg my fogiveness for that crappy ad (and the one where the guy killed a man by turning him into skittles helped a little), but I was dead wrong.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:38 am
They have chili flavoured skittles in Australia, im sure they’re a great deal worse than chocolate flavoured.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:08 am
While I feel your Shittles pain, my sweet Swaim, I must admit that nothing hurt worse than traipsing around the neighborhood on Halloween night with my shaving cream and egg-encrusted hair and throbbing feet, only to empty out an entire treasure trove of tooth-rotting goodness and find an obscene amount of those fucking Mary Janes. Worst piece of shit candy ever, unless of course it was their aim to extract every last tooth from your mouth with just one chew.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:05 am
Mr. Suame, you’re not too much into candy. You sir are just a fed up purchaser of crap and you’re not going to take it anymore. Chocolate Skittles ARE like a joke at a retard factory, the point gets lost before anybody says anything. Keep on keeping on and you shall prevail. Here’s to you Suame, here’s to you…
March 18th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Living across the sweet (candy) buffer zone of the atlantic, hopefully I will never experience such an abomination. But if they arive, I know I will be too weak to resist.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Also: Black Crows…not only redundant, but pointless. I’ve never met anyone who liked black licorice SO MUCH, they had to have a specific candy dedicated to them that wasn’t…you know, black licorice itself.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Chocolate Skittles are kinda weird/an abomination to all that makes sense in this world. Which is not much these days.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:52 am
I like the circus peanuts also. I have never seen whatever that other this is though. It looks like those things doctors and midwives use to suck the snot out of newborns.
On the topic of other gross candies, does anyone remember “stinky feet?”
March 18th, 2009 at 1:36 am
and maybe i’m the only one that likes those circus peanuts. or maybe it’s my mom’s fault for getting me hooked on them since she buys them all the time, heh.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:34 am
yeghhhh, i hate chocolate skittles… they’re the worst things since Mike & Ikes, and that’s saying a lot. some time after they came out last year my best friend and i picked up a box of them from wal-mart for only 94 cents. they tasted SO MUCH like shit that i couldn’t even finish them and [fortunately] forget them at my friend’s house when i went home, two things i would never have done with even halfway decent candy. when he saw them not long after i left, he promptly threw them away.
and yeah, the s’more ones were okay. but it’s no excuse for skittles to blatantly attempt to corner the M&M market with those barely consumable rat droppings.
so i say get your sweater vest and start crusading. for it has been foretold:
Skittles
Will
Always
Infuriate
Masses
March 18th, 2009 at 1:33 am
I deeply agree.
I’ve never left a comment on any article.
When i tried them i did what Peter Griffin has done on countless occasions. Pointed at my tongue while angrily grunting and the cashier at walmart. It’s their fault i bought them, the bastards.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:20 am
You do realize that almost everyone that reads articles like this immediately go out and try the product, right? Other than that, I agree. Candy-coated fecal matter with cancer and rotten.
March 18th, 2009 at 1:05 am
I am glad I’m not the only one who had that voice in my head. I was in the store earlier, got to the cash register and there they were, sitting innocently on the candy rack. I reached out and picked one up, read the flavors and tried to imagine them. While lost in my thoughts the cashier cleared his throat and asked me if that was all and I dropped them on the floor. My brother stepped on them. Fate spared me the hell that is your pain.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:53 am
http://mixthatdrink.com/skittles-vodka-tutorial/
Make skittles vodka, it will take away all the bad memories…
and some of the good ones.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:49 am
Ugh, one of the worst candy experiments ever.
Right up there with Cinnamon KitKat.
WHEN WILL THEY LEARN.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Mmmmm abortions…my favourite…
March 18th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Hm, those aren’t even sold yet in Holland. At least I know I ought to incinerate the first bag that lands on my lap though.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Swaim, you brilliant bastard. If I wanted someone to mother my children, it would surely be you.
Even though I don’t like girly girls.
And hell, with all of this, I’m sure you’ve taken it up the reamer so often that I could shove the business end of a basketball ring up your ass and still have room to roast my shittles smores (with the oven I installed up that spacious crevice last week.)
March 18th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Oh, thank GOD for this article. I have a packet of chocolate skittles in my cupboard that my mom gave me to try. But that same niggling voice that spoke to you saying “Chocolate Skittles are a terrible idea” was headed in my case. Now that I know for sure that my fears were correct, I will make sure to promptly exorcise and then throw away my package.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:25 am
SO TRUE. I thought I might be the only one who had this experience. It was so awful.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:22 am
This made me want to eat chocolate skittles for some reason.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:22 am
Starburst are better anyways. Except the yellow ones that taste like stale lemon peels and shatter your teeth.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Hah, this was great. I’ve always wondered what chocolate Skittles taste like… I am never going to try them. I imagine they’re a little bit like chocolate jelly beans, which are also pretty gross.
And… no. Not first.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Shadax, you are an assdouche, you know why.
On the candies front; seriously SWAIM, did you think a bag of something that looks like rabbit poop would taste good? Unfortunately for both of us, my curiosity also got the best of me and I tried this afterbirth of a candy. Thanks to copious amounts of alcohol and da kine, I was able to block my memories of what they taste like. I have but one suggestion for you, “to the THC infusion chamber.”
March 18th, 2009 at 12:19 am
This is the first I’ve ever heard of chocolate skittles, but even without you’re fantastic rant I think it’d still be quite clear that this is an obviously terrible idea.
The main problem I have now though is that I am aware of them and will have to hunt them down to try them.
That’s right Swaim, my natural instinct is to completely disregard everything you’ve said and find out just how disgustingly disgusting they are myself.
It’s just a mistake I have to make. Like beer bongs.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Great! As Cracked always is,
March 18th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Quite funny, but not your best Mister Swaim!
Also, i wonder if they have chocolate skittles in the UK?
I think i may have missed the point of your article somewhere…
…Also, first?
March 18th, 2009 at 12:09 am
After I read through this article I noticed that there were no comments on the bottom, which is definitely the first time that’s happened to me.
Not that that’s actually relevant but I thought you might be interested.
No?
March 18th, 2009 at 12:09 am
LMAO!!!!!!!
This just made my day. I have yet to try chocolate skittles and will adamantly avoid even LOOKING at them from this day forward.
Thanks for the HILARIOUS heads up!!
March 18th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Best swaim article to date, i am crying.
thank you.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:05 am
We don’t have chocolate skittles in Australia yet, but now I know not to try them when (if) they come over.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am
HAHAH OMG
I laughed so hard; glorious. Reminds me of a rant i myself would write
March 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Damnit, I accidentally picked up some of those Chocolate Skittles Bullshit from halloween.
This bring back bad memories.
-Hurk-