CB: See? It's nothing. M: What was that? That thing that I jumped on. I ki... you killed it! You're a monster! It wasn't going to hurt anyone. CB: No, it'd have killed you. Trust me. M: Why should I trust you? Who are you? Hey slow down. Don't jump here! OW! CB: What? I just got you got a coin. We'll need that later. Hey, does that hurt? M: Does smashing a solid metal block with my head hurt? YES IT HURTS, DOCTOR ROCKET GENIUS. CB: How about this? M: OW! CB: So the brick ones hurt too. Huh. They look squishy. M: Listen jackhole! When I figure... OW!... out who you... OW!... are... OW!... I'm going to- don't eat that mushroom! Are you crazy? Oh! Oh fuck, yes! I am huge! CB: Thought you'd like that. Now you want to shut up for a bit? M: Yeah, yeah, you seem to know what you're doing. God. I feel fantastic. Look at this shit. I'm jumping like 30 feet in the air. This is sick! Wait till Luigi hears about this. CB: He can jump higher. M: What? You are out of your fucking mind. That little stronzo couldn't jump to save his life. CB: Well in the accepted canon, he can jump a lot higher and further than you. Though not in this game, I think. I think in this game he's just got different pants. M: This is a game? CB: Yeah. We're just going to run off here and score some points and save the princess. M: You sound like you know what you're doing. You've played this game before then... ow!... I take it? CB: Yeah, but it's been like 15 years. Just doing it now for work. M: Bustin' your hump for the man. I hear that. Hey what's that? That flowery thing. It looks tasty. I totally want to eat that. CB: You will definitely like this. M: Oh rad! Ha ha hahhahahahhahah! Pop pop pop! Take that you little pricks!
CB: Told ya. M: Pop! Pop! Pop pop! Hahahahahah! CB: Heh. M: Whoa. Did you just kill a turtle? Not cool dude. He looked scared. I could have just jumped over him. CB: Uh-huh. Or maybe you could have run around him? M: What's "around" mean? CB: Nothing. Just checking something. ________ LATER M: OwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOw. Fucker! So what's the deal again with all these coins I'm getting? CB: If we collect a hundred of them, you get an extra life. M: Cool. Very cool. Followup question: Why would I need an extra life? CB: Hmmmmmmm. M: Hmm what? CB: Hey, check out that flag! M: Oh cool! _________ Level 1-2 M: So these blue guys are just like before, except now they're blue. CB: Yeah, exactly the same. We're dealing with a pretty limited palette I'm afraid. M: Oh! Careful! Watch the turtle! OW OW OW OW OW OW! CB: Shit. Sorry dude. M: You fucking dumbass! That really hurt! And now I'm tiny again? How does that work? CB: It's cool. I'll be careful. M: Oh you'll be better than careful. You're going to murder every turtle you see from now on. I mean it. Turtle holocaust. Go. ________ LATER CB: Hey, how do you feel about warping? M: I don't know what that means. CB: It means we get to skip a bunch of levels. Beat the game faster. M: Will we bypass any turtles? CB: Oh yeah. Bunches of them. M: No deal. Those guys have to go. CB: OK, no warping. Let's do this old school. M: Old school! ________ Level 1-4 M: Jesus Christ, where did all this lava come from? How deep do these pipes go? CB: This is a boss level. They like lava. It's kind of a cliche now, but this was pretty cutting edge in 1985. I guess lava is more intimidating? M: Damn right it's more intimidating. Careful! CB: Relax, this is an easy one. I haven't even died yet. M: What? CB: Nothing. M: No, seriously, what did you just say? CB: Can't talk now. M: Whoa! Look at the size of that bastard! Let's jump on him!
CB: Not a good plan. M: Holy shit! He's shooooooooting at us! CB: Hang on. M: Don't land on that axe! That's gonna kill! Hey. What just happened? CB: You won dude. Congrats. M: Boss! CB: Now run in there and meet the princess! M: Yeah! CB: - M: Who's this little turd? CB: Heh heh heh heh heh. M: Oh you bastard. _______ Level 2-1 CB: Oops. M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! M: What the hell happened? I was falling into a bottomless pit and now I'm back out here. CB: Oh, so you can remember what happened. I was wondering about that. M: Did I... die? CB: Total accident dude. Sorry. Did that hurt? M: Physically? No. I don't think so. But that was terrifying. Like my brain was just sundered in two. It feels like I'm still screaming. Like I'll never stop screaming. CB: Bummer dude. Well, we've got three lives left. Let's go. M: What? Wait! We're going to keep going? CB: Can't turn back. See? M: Wow. Where'd everything behind us go? CB: Excellent question. ______ Level 3-1 CB: Oh, I remember this bit. M: What bit? CB: Hang on. We can get a whole bunch of extra lives here. M: Yes I see the point of those now. Let's definitely get a whole bunch of those. How do we do that? CB: You jump on that turtle there about a hundred times or so. M: Fuck that turtle. Let's fuck up his whole day. _____ Level 4-2 M: Seriously, I'm going to kill the next guy that lives in a princess-less castle. CB: Heh. Yeah, they're notorious. Hey, has your attitude towards warping changed? We're coming up on another one. M: Fuck this noise. Let's hit it. _______ Level 8-4 CB: I said I'm sorry all right? The eighth world is fucking hard! M: You know what's hard? Plummeting into bottomless pits, getting beaned by a dozen hammer throwing cocksuckers and having bullets the size of a car smash into your face. How about you take all the dicks out of your mouth, and then stop killing me? CB: Hey. It's not that simple, ass. You have any idea how floaty the controls are on 25-year-old video games? You handle like a fucking post office. M: Oh this is my fault is it? Well maybe if your parents weren't twins your thumbs wouldn't come out of your wrists. CB: Hey? You know what? Fuck this. I've beaten this game a billion times before. I've got enough material for this column. See ya later chump. M: Fine with me penis-sheathe. Better off without you. CB: Oh yeah? Hey, how'd you like it if this masking tape played for awhile? M: What? CB: Yeah? See that lava over there? How'd you'd like to run into that 82 times in a row? -tapes down button on controller- M: YOU BASTARD! CB: Hahahahahahahhahah -walks out of room- ______ LATER M: ARGHAAAHHHHSFHGDN CB: -eating nachos, laughing- HA HA HAhahahahahhahahahahh. ________