So a movie called Gamer was released this weekend. You probably haven’t heard about it–the producer’s have evidently done everything in their power to prevent people from actually seeing the film. It has no advertising budget to speak of and is apparently only showing in a single theater located in a network of Taliban controlled caves in western Pakistan. Why the film’s makers don’t want anyone to see their movie is an open question–I, as always, choose to blame the gypsies.
Hanging a column premise on a movie no one’s heard about or seen is a pretty bad idea, but I’ve never been one to back away from one of those. So I guess I should explain a bit about the film. The premise is that “in the future,” mind control technology will advance to the point that we’ll be able to control an individual’s every movement. In the film this technology is used to implement real life video games, where convicted criminals play the role of video game characters. Naturally these video games will be played to the death, because evidently “in the future,” our children and children’s children are all going to grow up to be amoral monsters. What up wit dat, parents?
A key plot point in the movie is a device that allows the player to speak directly with the character they’re controlling. Angry arguments about the necessity of all those rocket jumps presumably. I’m unlikely to ever learn what they actually talk about, since the odds of me seeing this film are roughly similar to the odds of me winning a high jump competition thanks to the power of my own flatulence. Which is to say, possible, but unlikely.
However, this got me to thinking: What would classic video games be like if you could have a conversation with the character you were controlling? What would they think of the twisted obstacle courses we put them through with our clumsy childhood reflexes? I decided to start this thought exercise with what is probably the most recognizable video game character to ever live, Mario, in the classic NES game, Super Mario Brothers.
___
Level 1-1
Mario: Whoa! Where am I? What the hell is going on? And now I’m walking!
Chris Bucholz: Oh hey dude. That’s just me. I’ve got the stick now, you just relax.
M: I don’t understand! I have no memory of anything until… Whoa! What the hell is that?
CB: Chill dude.
M: Don’t go near that! Don’t go near that! That’s bigger than I am. OHHHHHH SHHHHHIIIT. Gross!
CB: See? It’s nothing.
M: What was that? That thing that I jumped on. I ki… you killed it! You’re a monster! It wasn’t going to hurt anyone.
CB: No, it’d have killed you. Trust me.
M: Why should I trust you? Who are you? Hey slow down. Don’t jump here! OW!
CB: What? I just got you got a coin. We’ll need that later. Hey, does that hurt?
M: Does smashing a solid metal block with my head hurt? YES IT HURTS, DOCTOR ROCKET GENIUS.
CB: How about this?
M: OW!
CB: So the brick ones hurt too. Huh. They look squishy.
M: Listen jackhole! When I figure… OW!… out who you… OW!… are… OW!… I’m going to- don’t eat that mushroom! Are you crazy? Oh! Oh fuck, yes! I am huge!
CB: Thought you’d like that. Now you want to shut up for a bit?
M: Yeah, yeah, you seem to know what you’re doing. God. I feel fantastic. Look at this shit. I’m jumping like 30 feet in the air. This is sick! Wait till Luigi hears about this.
CB: He can jump higher.
M: What? You are out of your fucking mind. That little stronzo couldn’t jump to save his life.
CB: Well in the accepted canon, he can jump a lot higher and further than you. Though not in this game, I think. I think in this game he’s just got different pants.
M: This is a game?
CB: Yeah. We’re just going to run off here and score some points and save the princess.
M: You sound like you know what you’re doing. You’ve played this game before then… ow!… I take it?
CB: Yeah, but it’s been like 15 years. Just doing it now for work.
M: Bustin’ your hump for the man. I hear that. Hey what’s that? That flowery thing. It looks tasty. I totally want to eat that.
CB: You will definitely like this.
M: Oh rad! Ha ha hahhahahahhahah! Pop pop pop! Take that you little pricks!
CB: Told ya.
M: Pop! Pop! Pop pop! Hahahahahah!
CB: Heh.
M: Whoa. Did you just kill a turtle? Not cool dude. He looked scared. I could have just jumped over him.
CB: Uh-huh. Or maybe you could have run around him?
M: What’s “around” mean?
CB: Nothing. Just checking something.
________
LATER
M: OwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOw. Fucker! So what’s the deal again with all these coins I’m getting?
CB: If we collect a hundred of them, you get an extra life.
M: Cool. Very cool. Followup question: Why would I need an extra life?
CB: Hmmmmmmm.
M: Hmm what?
CB: Hey, check out that flag!
M: Oh cool!
_________
Level 1-2
M: So these blue guys are just like before, except now they’re blue.
CB: Yeah, exactly the same. We’re dealing with a pretty limited palette I’m afraid.
M: Oh! Careful! Watch the turtle! OW OW OW OW OW OW!
CB: Shit. Sorry dude.
M: You fucking dumbass! That really hurt! And now I’m tiny again? How does that work?
CB: It’s cool. I’ll be careful.
M: Oh you’ll be better than careful. You’re going to murder every turtle you see from now on. I mean it. Turtle holocaust. Go.
________
LATER
CB: Hey, how do you feel about warping?
M: I don’t know what that means.
CB: It means we get to skip a bunch of levels. Beat the game faster.
M: Will we bypass any turtles?
CB: Oh yeah. Bunches of them.
M: No deal. Those guys have to go.
CB: OK, no warping. Let’s do this old school.
M: Old school!
________
Level 1-4
M: Jesus Christ, where did all this lava come from? How deep do these pipes go?
CB: This is a boss level. They like lava. It’s kind of a cliche now, but this was pretty cutting edge in 1985. I guess lava is more intimidating?
M: Damn right it’s more intimidating. Careful!
CB: Relax, this is an easy one. I haven’t even died yet.
M: What?
CB: Nothing.
M: No, seriously, what did you just say?
CB: Can’t talk now.
M: Whoa! Look at the size of that bastard! Let’s jump on him!
CB: Not a good plan.
M: Holy shit! He’s shooooooooting at us!
CB: Hang on.
M: Don’t land on that axe! That’s gonna kill! Hey. What just happened?
CB: You won dude. Congrats.
M: Boss!
CB: Now run in there and meet the princess!
M: Yeah!
CB: -
M: Who’s this little turd?
CB: Heh heh heh heh heh.
M: Oh you bastard.
_______
Level 2-1
CB: Oops.
M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
M: What the hell happened? I was falling into a bottomless pit and now I’m back out here.
CB: Oh, so you can remember what happened. I was wondering about that.
M: Did I… die?
CB: Total accident dude. Sorry. Did that hurt?
M: Physically? No. I don’t think so. But that was terrifying. Like my brain was just sundered in two. It feels like I’m still screaming. Like I’ll never stop screaming.
CB: Bummer dude. Well, we’ve got three lives left. Let’s go.
M: What? Wait! We’re going to keep going?
CB: Can’t turn back. See?
M: Wow. Where’d everything behind us go?
CB: Excellent question.
______
Level 3-1
CB: Oh, I remember this bit.
M: What bit?
CB: Hang on. We can get a whole bunch of extra lives here.
M: Yes I see the point of those now. Let’s definitely get a whole bunch of those. How do we do that?
CB: You jump on that turtle there about a hundred times or so.
M: Fuck that turtle. Let’s fuck up his whole day.
_____
Level 4-2
M: Seriously, I’m going to kill the next guy that lives in a princess-less castle.
CB: Heh. Yeah, they’re notorious. Hey, has your attitude towards warping changed? We’re coming up on another one.
M: Fuck this noise. Let’s hit it.
_______
Level 8-4
CB: I said I’m sorry all right? The eighth world is fucking hard!
M: You know what’s hard? Plummeting into bottomless pits, getting beaned by a dozen hammer throwing cocksuckers and having bullets the size of a car smash into your face. How about you take all the dicks out of your mouth, and then stop killing me?
CB: Hey. It’s not that simple, ass. You have any idea how floaty the controls are on 25-year-old video games? You handle like a fucking post office.
M: Oh this is my fault is it? Well maybe if your parents weren’t twins your thumbs wouldn’t come out of your wrists.
CB: Hey? You know what? Fuck this. I’ve beaten this game a billion times before. I’ve got enough material for this column. See ya later chump.
M: Fine with me penis-sheathe. Better off without you.
CB: Oh yeah? Hey, how’d you like it if this masking tape played for awhile?
M: What?
CB: Yeah? See that lava over there? How’d you’d like to run into that 82 times in a row? -tapes down button on controller-
M: YOU BASTARD!
CB: Hahahahahahahhahah -walks out of room-
______
LATER
M: ARGHAAAHHHHSFHGDN
CB: -eating nachos, laughing- HA HA HAhahahahahhahahahahh.
________
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 3rd, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Too cool. A very hilarious article..
October 19th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Hahahaha, That is classic.
October 18th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
HAHHA, dude, im crying now, cuz i just laughed so hard. im relatively certain that my pants are now soiled. thank you so much for that
October 18th, 2009 at 7:11 am
this is soooo funny!
October 14th, 2009 at 12:03 am
uha,I always lose when compete with my sister
McAlister Jersey;
McAlister Jersey;
McAlister Jersey;
Cody Jersey;
Dan Cody Jersey
October 12th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Hahaha! That was a great read. Love it. Especially the bit about twin parents and wrist-thumbs, lol. Good stuff, mate.
October 12th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Dude! That was amazing. I came redirecting from the win7 xperience…
Both are amazing! Go on that way. I´ll be reading you!
regards
TbX
October 10th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Thats freaking epic dude lolz You gotta do some more.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Oh my goodness, this was so epic! XD
But I agree with the previous comments, I want to see Mario meet the princess haha… part 2 perhaps? Pretty please?
October 6th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
mehfag.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:10 am
¡Pocamadre me cague de risa!
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Nice one, but Mario doesn’t smash bricks with his head. He acctually makes a fist and punches them
September 30th, 2009 at 8:01 am
DUDE YOU ARE A GENIUS!!! MAKE PART 2PLEASE!!! ANY OTHER GAME!!! jajaja
A Co-op game would be great!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
jajaja
September 28th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
[...] A conversation with Mario. He hates you. (Cracked) [...]
September 28th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
You win 1,000 internets for geekieness. However, half of those internets are on backorder untill Mario rescues the Princess. I insist on a “Part 2″. (or at least a conversation with the Battletoads)
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
i saw gamer. it was surprisingly good. some good fire fights and some other good bits. goood stuff. gooooooood.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Man!! This was great!! But got me wondering if Mario got to meet the Princess at the end? What he would have said about the water levels dude? This was awsome! Write a Part 2 please!
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Dude you should so make a movie about this, get some Mario sprites and a mic, everyone will love it!
September 18th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
That was dongtacular. Question, he wasn’t breaking the bricks before he got big, right?
September 17th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Ummmm ok….now that i can breathe…..that was the funniest fuckin thing i have ever read. Thank you!!! But seriously though luigi is a douchebag!
September 17th, 2009 at 12:24 am
First time I’ve commented on an article to say, that was hilarious. Brava!
September 16th, 2009 at 4:21 am
“Turtle Holocaust. Go.”
the ultimate.
you win dude.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
BRILLIANT!
September 15th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Wow… just wow… A complete and total masterpiece.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:13 am
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September 15th, 2009 at 4:00 am
Digitised existentialism. I just felt a shiver down my spine. Fucking funny, though.
September 14th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Bravo. Just, fucking, bra-vo.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
You know, if I suddenly ate a giant flower and could shoot self-contained fireballs half as big as me at other people, I’d probably go around shouting “Take THAT, you little prick!” as well. Good article!
September 14th, 2009 at 6:36 am
i like http://wealthy-cupid.bravehost.com/ most !! so do my friends!! i think u cant miss it!!
September 13th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
XDDD
you my friend, are amazing!
September 13th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
i love this game
September 13th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Oh man.. i fantasized about stuff like this and this article is just great XD
September 12th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
you freaking rock!
September 12th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Bucholz, you magnificent bastard, I love you. Let’s get gay married.
September 12th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Do. More.
September 12th, 2009 at 7:23 am
That was awesome; You’re going to get me fired.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Now that I have stopped laughing and crying, I must say that this article is the funniest, most realistic fantasy I have ever come across.
September 11th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
this article is FULL OF WIN!
September 10th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place ~~~ AgelessFriends @ com ~~~ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. You may wanna check it out.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
WINcest
September 10th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Brilliant Bucholz
I agree with ‘Jenny’ - do one with Zelda! That’d be awesome. Oh, and I’d see Gamer for two reasons: Gerard Butler and Michael C. Hall. Need I say more? Yes? Well Butler was in 300 and RocknRolla and he voiced the Captain of Watchmen: Tales of the Black Freighter which was 20 mins of epic-ness. And Michael C. Hall was in 6 Feet Under (as pretentious as it was) and now plays the delightful serial killer Dexter. Now need I say more?
September 9th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Slozar, I think that’s what Mario is Missing! was about…a gigantic turtle holocaust.
Tonik, is it a bad thing that I didn’t go with the Italian accent? I had him voiced by Captain Lou…
September 9th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
glorious
September 9th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
laughing out loud like I haven’t in ages
September 9th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
You’ll find the best selection of hot babes, sexy tall singles at the exclusive dating community ————- Tallfinder.c-o-m ————-. Come in and stay a while. Post a message, a pic of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You are guaranteed to find someone you like there.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
heh
September 9th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
hell yes!!! do Sonic next!!
September 9th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I’d love to see one with Sonic the Hedgehog.
“Hey, what’s that loop thing next to that hole in the gro- holy SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-”
September 9th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
yay, funny!!
September 9th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I liked the Super Mario Frustration video more.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Wonder what a conversation with Chuckie Egg would be like…
September 9th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Please do one like this with Zelda!
Oh, and it’d also be great to see what Mario would think of the little dino dude.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Nerd heaven. Alas I am not a nerd.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
WOOT WOOT NACHOS!
September 9th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Yet a classic from Bucholz, bravo. I wish you would have beaten the game and got to Peach, then fabricated the 2-dimensional 8-bit love scene that would have ensued. *applaud.
September 9th, 2009 at 9:24 am
can you please do another one of these? like Zelda? or maybe Mario 2? please? This was great!
September 9th, 2009 at 8:53 am
cool
September 9th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Lol that’s awesome.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Totally Tonik, totally.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I read it with an italian accent, but it didn’t work that well. I wish he had put in Mario’s speech patterns.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Anyone else read Mario with an Italian accent? In your head, you know? No one?
Just me then…
September 9th, 2009 at 5:31 am
I’m glad to recommend u a very interesting and 100% free place
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September 9th, 2009 at 4:58 am
“Well maybe if your parents weren’t twins your thumbs wouldn’t come out of your wrists.”
Finally the chuckle, nice read, but it needs more spice.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:43 am
This. Was. Hilarious! Now I won’t be able to play Mario or Contra or any side scroller like this without imagining the game talking back to me.
September 9th, 2009 at 3:58 am
awesome article
September 9th, 2009 at 3:38 am
that was freaking genius.
September 9th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Please do more of these. Too funny
September 9th, 2009 at 2:11 am
haha wow. this was one of the best reads on cracked. gj!!
September 9th, 2009 at 1:47 am
boston, i am very sad that you know that.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:23 am
It was okay I guess…maybe needed a bit more Italian stereotyping but we can always dream!
Keep ‘em comin’!
September 9th, 2009 at 1:06 am
One issue: Mario doesn’t his blocks with his head. If you actually pause and look at his sprite while jumping, you’ll see that his raised fist is higher than his head. Mario has never hit blocks with his head, save for in the early 90’s cartoon. It’s always been with his fist.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:04 am
Well, Doc, I like the interview style better then comic book style. Also, Mario should never have a voice or speak. Even the official Nintendo Mario voice should never have been created. Much better left to the imagination. On another note, I love comic books/manga.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Good article Chris
Keep ‘em comming.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:17 am
Your articles are the best!! That was fantastic.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
didnt like it… the article I mean
everyone loves SMB
September 8th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
that was fuckin awesome! hats off to you sir!
September 8th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Oh you’ll be better than careful. You’re going to murder every turtle you see from now on. I mean it. Turtle holocaust. Go.
Brilliant!!
September 8th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
That would make an awesome episode of Reboot!
September 8th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
this is probably one of the best articles i have ever read. well done.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
LOL!
September 8th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
This is the third best article that I have ever read on cracked. Bravo good sir. Penises!!!
September 8th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
God just marry me. This is fucking AWESOME
September 8th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Just when I thought Mario themed articles were getting old you bust this out. Turtle holocaust. Go.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Freaking Hilarious.
You’re hilarious Bucholz.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
I recommend you a great millionaire dating
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September 8th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
amazingly clever and hilarious article. the last bit there at the end, where you make him die over and over again, f*cking priceless dude. i laughed so hard all my co-workers got concerened. epic win.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
This is absolutely epic. I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time, I definitely almost cried especially when Mario decides fuck the turtles.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I recommend you a great millionaire dating site___________________S e e k R i c h . C O M___________It is said Charlie Sheen found his love last year on that site.Just do it as soon as possible!GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
September 8th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Holy shit
M: Oh you’ll be better than careful. You’re going to murder every turtle you see from now on. I mean it. Turtle holocaust. Go.
SO FUNNY!
September 8th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
love it. do another game! zelda maybe?
September 8th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
all coverstaions in 8-4 were priceless, i laughed my ass off the whole time
September 8th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I was reading this in class today. Big Mistake. I was trying to not laugh so hard, that i bit my lip and drew blood.
Great Work, Bucholz
September 8th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
You need to do more of these, for sure man.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Check this out! I’m going to sum up my feelings about this article with one, three-letter, mono-syllabic quasi-word: meh.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
omg. I love this. mainly cause me and my friends used to have some weird little commentary like this when we played Mario. Not exactly like this, but close. good memories. love the article.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Mario: O_o; Mamamia!!!
September 8th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Not as funny as I’d hoped. I guess this idea wasn’t that good after all.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
“Does smashing a solid metal block with my head hurt? YES IT HURTS, DOCTOR ROCKET GENIUS.”
Omg, that was freaken hilarious. I was laughing my ass off, nice article.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
nice one chris, me likey!!
September 8th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Let’s fuck his whole day up.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I’m surprised so many ppl think this is funny. Is this really cracked.com? Let me check the address bar. Oh, yep. Wow.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Luigi has slippery shoes or something though.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
I just retweeted your story. Gave a little props to you and your website, then realized that your blog hasn’t been updated since June 30th. Con.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Damn dude, I think Mario will kill your twin parents whenever he gets out of that. Never, EVER walk near anything thats playing Super Smash Bros…..
September 8th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Bucholz never fails to make me laugh.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Brilliant. Love it.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
fuck those turtles.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Totally entertaining.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Mario’s turtle holocaust would be a very interesting game…
September 8th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
This article is pure win.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I don’t think I stopped laughing at all while reading this article. Excellent stuff.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
eh.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I once tried this while playing Zelda, but all I ever heard him say was “HIYA!”
September 8th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Brilliant! I would love to see just one other thing, “Minus Zone”
September 8th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Best… article… ever
September 8th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
How can anyone not like this article? Friggin’ a, Bucholz. More of this.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
not gonna lie: not very funny. I was expecting a little more. the Clippy from MS World article was shetloads funnier than this.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Shit awesome. Due moore.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Wow, that was actually one of the funniest Cracked articles I’ve read in a while, great work.
September 8th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
CB: Uh-huh. Or maybe you could have run around him?
M: What’s “around” mean?
CB: Nothing. Just checking something.
Wonderful…
September 8th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
there are so many phrases in this that i will now strive to use everyday.
also, i agree with everyone who’s telling you to make this a video and youtube the shit out of it (in a good way).
September 8th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
CB: Hey. It’s not that simple, ass. You have any idea how floaty the controls are on 25-year-old video games? You handle like a fucking post office.
M: Oh this is my fault is it? Well maybe if your parents weren’t twins your thumbs wouldn’t come out of your wrists.
I love you, sir.
September 8th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Azazaza - Yeah. That’s probably the only reason I would ever see it. I heard he has a dance number in it though. Don’t know what the fuck that’s about…
This article was beautiful. In fact, it made me go dig out the game from my boxes of stuff and play on the good ole’ gameboy color.
September 8th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
omg so awesome
September 8th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
WICKED!
Everybody loves Mario, but I didn’t realize what a whiner he is. He’s died how many times now? Like, a ga-jillion-billion-titillion. (A titillion is worth two billion. Whoot.)
Aaaannd, I want to see that Gamer movie. I will traverse the harshest plains for it! Sort of. Not really.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Let’s see another one that takes place in Super Mario 64.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
This probably would have been funnier as a video.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Many lolz contained within this article. Good read.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
That movie has the motherfucker from Dexter in it.
I almost want to see it just for him, almost.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
“Fine with me penis-sheathe.”
Gold.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
There is no humor in this.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I think this whole article would be better simulated in a Youtube video XD That would make this go from 5* hilarious to 10* ROFLMFAO Hilarious. Seriously think about it Cracked.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
@ ATomicSpike
You should’ve really seen RocknRolla mate
September 8th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Wow. This started off really funny, and then started sucking like a desperate man in an Italian spa as soon as the actual “punchline” started.
How the hell do you accomplish ”that”?
September 8th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
very entertaining stuff this week!
September 8th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
First that Katherine Heigl crapfest and now Gamer. Way to land a breakout role in 300 and then flush it all down the toilet, genius.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
lols, great work mutilating a classic
September 8th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Very funny. I loved the “around” and masking tape bits.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
It wasn’t really that funny.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I’m glad my roommates were gone so they didn’t see me laughing like a maniac. And your article was good too. Well done, Bucholtz.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:41 am
seems like comedy was sacrificed for profanity in the acctual writing of this, but fun concept i guess
September 8th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Awesome, that was really funny.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:26 am
There are several theaters playing Gamer here across the pond. It’s just that I’m not going to see it because it looks terrible. What the hell is it with action movies that involve contests and death row inmates? Is there some sort of requirement that one has to come out every year?
September 8th, 2009 at 11:20 am
@retards who don’t get humor-The part about no one seeing Gamers is a joke
September 8th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Please, for all that is holy, for a fellow Canuck, do a series on this (You are the Canadian one, right? You all kinda blend together)♦
September 8th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Aww, you could at least have let him get a LITTLE princess poon.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Dear lord, imagine the tortured Psyche of Abe from Oddworld
September 8th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Awesome. This one was actually good from beginning to end. I loved it, particularly the nacho-eating, evil-laughing end.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Mario breaks blocks with his fist, not his head. He is not just lifting that arm to check if his deodorant is still working FFS.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:09 am
“Turtle holocaust. Go”
dude I could not stop laughing at this.
Also I think my new catch phrase is going to be “Fuck this noise. Let’s warp.”
September 8th, 2009 at 10:04 am
there have been LOADS of trailers for ‘Gamer’
ive seen ‘gamer’ maybe its only showing here in england?
great article
September 8th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Awesome article, Chris. I’ve had conversations with video game characters like this before, but they’re usually fueled by lack of sleep and way too much sugar.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Awesomely hilarious. Hilariously awesome. It made me revive 1991 all over again. I was 6, damn.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:18 am
This was amazing! Also, Gamer is receiving moderate hype over here in England. It’s got Gerard Butler in it, presumably exclaiming, “This isn’t Sparta!”
Also, if you killed every turtle in the game, you should really have made a reference to turtal annihilation.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Awesome. Thanks!
Doctorchaos will burn in hell for all of glorious eternity!
September 8th, 2009 at 9:09 am
for a gamer this was awesome.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:04 am
You know what I fucking love? Dicks in my mouth. I admit it. I’m totally a troll. I can’t even control myself, I just like to get online and act like a complete fucking tool to piss people off because I have literally ONE FRIEND and he’s only an online buddy. We just get together sometimes and troll places that have success and talent that we’re both secretly envious of.
Plus I like it when he sends me pictures of his balls.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Sorry B. normally you get it done but this article was a little boring. Didn’t lol once through the whole thing.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:55 am
i thought this article was hilarious. thumbs up lol.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:51 am
1) Is Dr Chaos just one person, or does every dick with a problem just post under that name?
2) I actually prefer text to speech bubbles/comic form, so screw Dr Chaos
September 8th, 2009 at 8:50 am
i like nachos
September 8th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Awesome… just pure awesome.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:38 am
lol REALLY funny
September 8th, 2009 at 8:31 am
doctorchaos, nobody else here seems to care about format over content. Isn’t that odd. We seem to appreciate humor rather than appearance. Can’t relate to that can you? jackass.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Fucking awesome I say, good work Mr. Bucholz.
Has any of you actually seen Gamer? I kinda like the premise, plus it has King Leonidas, Peter Petrelli and Dexter Morgan in it, so I guess it must be awesome.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Dr. Xaos: damn, bitter much?
You know, it’s not like they owe you. If anything, you owe them for all the free entertainment they bring to your otherwise dull, hate-filled life. But don’t despair, it’ll be over soon…
September 8th, 2009 at 7:59 am
At least he’s not a cunt, eh, Doctorchaos?
September 8th, 2009 at 7:44 am
wanner find a tall partner????
Come the tall club ——-Tallfinder.c-o-m ————-..
September 8th, 2009 at 7:37 am
i loved this so much, i honestly wanted it to be longer! and Doctorchaos i think this was the ideal format,
September 8th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Dude that was hilarious.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:31 am
and You’r a MORON Doctorchaos.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Brilliant.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Kifda,
I think you meant to say, “Princess-less, just princess-less.”
Oh man, I kill me.
Oh wait? He already said that in the article? Fuck me!
September 8th, 2009 at 7:16 am
This was completely awesome
September 8th, 2009 at 7:00 am
OK, I give up. My last two comments for this column weren’t posted. Also, a completely innoccuous comment posted for the KFC DoubleDown column was deleted after waiting for moderation for 12 hours.
And yet, ClassyMingle and privacy-web spam is welcome.
Goodbye.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:59 am
ARGHAAAHHHHSFHGDN!!!!
September 8th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Shitty format man. If you weren’t such an obviously lazy fuck you could have made this into a comic style thing with speech bubbles, or even better a video with voice acting, a nice stereotypical italian voice and an off screen narator.
You’r a HACK Bulchoz.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Priceless, just priceless.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Turtle holocaust. Go.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:51 am
“Robert Brockway Says: September 8th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Seriously?Fuck you guys. … So unless you want Cracked porn, shut up.”
Oh boy, now you’ve gone and done it. Let the chants of “CRACKED PORN!CRACKED PORN! CRACKED PORN!!!” commence.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:50 am
I was just waiting for the philosophy.
M: So if you’re controlling everything I do, then can I really be called a real person, or am “I” just a linguistic construction, invented to entertain you while you play your game? And do I have a soul?
ONE HOUR LATER…
CB: I’m back, are you done whining?
September 8th, 2009 at 6:47 am
“Robert Brockway Says: September 8th, 2009 at 5:32 am… So unless you want Cracked porn, shut up.”
Now you’ve gone and done it. CRACKED PORN!CRACKED PORN! CRACKED PORN!!!
September 8th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Another iconic character learns the hazards of messing with the Cracked writers. When will they learn? Though it would be interesting if later on the tales have spread and they try and please the writers to the best of their ability.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:38 am
It’s good to know Im not the only one who has conversations with video game characters
September 8th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Funny article, only thing is Mario doesn’t hit his head on the blocks he actually punches up and brakes them with his power glove. Minor detail I can over look cause penis-sheathe made me laugh uncontrollably.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:35 am
But…what if we do want Cracked porn?
September 8th, 2009 at 6:28 am
hilarious stuff.
you did it CB.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:10 am
But what if we do want Cracked porn?
September 8th, 2009 at 6:07 am
hehe
September 8th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Wow that is amazing dude. I love Super Mario
RT
http://www.privacy-web.pl.tc
September 8th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more effective?? Check out: http://ClassyMingle.com —where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you waiting for? Find your sexy partner NOW!
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September 8th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Nachos: proof they were created by sadists, for sadists.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Twisted… funny stuff.
I guess Seanbaby doesn’t OWN Mario jokes or comic-panel humor. Why shouldn’t anyone else be allowed to use those angles? Plus I’m sure he wasn’t the first person to do that style of humor… Of course he WAS doing it like 10+ years ago.
But we could use Seanbaby as a verb, like ‘He Seanbabied that shit.’ But he did it well.
Besides, its not like list-based comedy is particularly original, and that stuff is all over this site. And as long as its funny, its a win.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:38 am
http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic/54306/the-sarcasm-in-machine
this reminds me of something i wrote over the weekend cuz i was bored. read it! comment! tear it apart! or dont! whatever makes you happy! wait, not that! put that way… zip it up! thats for later…
September 8th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Seriously?
Fuck you guys.
We are allowed to talk about video games and martial arts.* We did it before Seanbaby got here, remember? It’s like half of what Cracked is about. Eliminating them as topics literally just leaves us tits and politics. And nobody wants to talk about politics. So unless you want Cracked porn, shut up.
*Don’t tell Seanbaby we’re talking about his stuff. He’s big and good at kicks.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Penis-sheathe. Win.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Awesome! More like this Bucholz!
September 8th, 2009 at 5:13 am
i am so disturbed…
September 8th, 2009 at 5:11 am
“penis-sheathe” is a funny expression.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Hilarious. Reminds me of an article David Wong wrote a while back about proposed video games of the future. One was a game where you had to form a relationship with the main character and get him to trust you, the user, or else he wouldn’t cooperate.
http://www.cracked.com/article_15662_12-awesomest-games-2010.html
September 8th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Awesome.
But what’s with you guys getting on Seanbaby’s turf? First Brockway and now you?
September 8th, 2009 at 4:47 am
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September 8th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Nice work in actually being funny Bucholz. Keep it up!
September 8th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Very nice and very funny.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Although I enjoy reading Bucholz columns, I’ve never laughed at one. Until today, the very last line made me chuckle to myself a little.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Thats brilliant….I have got a urge to play old video games now for some reason
September 8th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Fantastic I laughed my ass off.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Canada is a brilliant place because Chris Bucholz came from it.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:22 am
That was fantastic.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Oh shyt… LATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
September 8th, 2009 at 4:20 am
1sttttttttttttttttttttttttt
September 8th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Dude… That kinda made me sad.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:16 am
NACHOS!!!!! I always thought Mario was a dick Nazi…
September 8th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Mario learnt his lesson I suppose…
September 8th, 2009 at 4:11 am
Is not this Seanbaby’s shtick? If he sees this, he might get all Wndigo on you?
Wheelz, who ate one of the leaves, and now everything is so greeeeeeeen.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:11 am
I had a good laugh during the World 8-4 dialogue. Thanks Chris
September 8th, 2009 at 4:08 am
one word: brilliant =D