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Charles Johnson, Pirate Hookers and The Crunchiest Cereal Ever: The (Friday) Nooner!

Awesome Video Of The DayThe Infamous "Charles Johnson" Video

What a week, huh? In just five short days, I've managed to find something bad to say about college students who play beer pong, women with long fingernails, game show contestants and pretty much everyone who lives in Germany. I'm spent.

For that reason, I refuse to say a single negative word about "The Infamous 'Charles Johnson' Video." How could I? It's just kids being kids, right? Children doing what we've all done at some point in our lives: having fun with a video camera. Uttering nonsensical words, screaming like idiots and making explosion sounds while jumping on their beds. It's beautiful in a way. Like watching a young fawn take its first steps on shaky little legs.

One day these fawns' legs will be less shaky, though. These two boys will grow more and more confident until one day, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after that, but one day they will no longer be boys at all.

They will be all grown up and completely, 100% retarded.


Sexy Halloween 2007Sexy Costume #1: Captain Hooker

After a week of beating around the bush, I'm relieved to finally get down to brass tacks and bring out the most direct, no-nonsense "sexy" Halloween costume of 2007. "Sexy Spider"? "Sexy Mouse"? Enough. Just be a pirate hooker, okay?

I'll even start you off with some pirate-related innuendos for you to use:

  • "Wanna be my 'mate'?"
  • "Wanna swab my deck?"
  • "Show me your plank... I wanna, like, walk it or something."
  • "Arrrrrr... I'll suck your dick."
  • It doesn't get any easier than that. All you have to do now is be your charming self.

    Sure To Attract Guys Dressed Up Like: Dracula, Pee Wee Herman, Hitler

    Sexy Factor (out of 10): 10


    Wild CardGreat - Some Guy Who Isn't Me Just Made A Billion DollarsThomas Edison once said that "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." Well guess what, Edison? Some dude just invented a bowl that can keep your cereal crunchy and he probably never broke a sweat. That's all you need these days to make a fortune: oddly-shaped plastic. Just look at the spork, or those things they stick in pizzas to keep the box from falling into the cheese. Piece of cake!

    A bowl that keeps cereal crunchy? Pfft. I could've thought of that. Now this guy beat us all to the punch, and now him and his fancy little plastic bowl are going to be hanging out with the spork guy, the plastic-pizza-box-thing guy and a whole bunch of other billionaires on a Carribean beach somewhere for the rest of his life. They'll be riding jet skis and drinking diamond juice out of human skulls and laughing, laughing at all the miserable saps who can't come up with any good ideas of their own.

    But my day will come... yes... someday I'll show them all. All it takes is an idea... just one good idea...

    Shit. Anyone have any ideas? Let's brainstorm.

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    Ross Wolinsky

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