If you haven’t seen the Comfort Wipe yet on your television or Internet machine, feel free to click on any of these words for more information. For the click-impaired, a quick synopsis: It’s a little grabby-arm used for wiping your ass. The ads claim proudly that it’s great for old people and “big guys” and is the first major advancement in wiping your ass since the 1880s (I’m not making that up).
I am honestly a little suspicious that it it’s a real product. However, please don’t let the fact that this may not be a real product negatively affect your enjoyment of the following tale of my attempts to return one, which I can assure you is not fictional in any way.
__
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?
CALLER
Hi, uh, Marci. I need to return a product I ordered.
CSR
All right, sir. Do you have the order number with you? It should be on the invoice that was shipped with the product.
CALLER
Yup, just give me a second. OK, got it. It’s A662-BN2453-02334.
CSR
OK, I’ll just pull that up on the computer for you. This is Chris?
CALLER
Yes! That’s me.
CSR
And I see you ordered a Comfort Wipe package. We actually don’t allow returns for that particular product.
CALLER
Why not?
CSR
Well it doesn’t say here, but I’m guessing for hygiene reasons? We really have no facilities for handling used Comfort Wipes.
CALLER
Oh, I get it. Yeah, I don’t know what I’d do with a bunch of those either. You’d need like a hazmat team and a priest, huh? OK. Well this one is still in the original packaging if that helps.
CSR
Oh. OK. Yes, I think that does. OK, can I ask why you’re returning it?
CALLER
It was a gift for someone who has requested to no longer receive gifts from me.
CSR
I see, all r…
CALLER
It was an anniversary present. Or, was going to be an anniversary present. Not any more. So on the plus side, no more anniversary presents!
CSR
Yes, I think I can see why.
CALLER
Also on the plus side, no more anniversaries!
CSR
Uhhh
CALLER
I’m just having fun with you. Seriously, I’ve made a horrible mistake here. This is a real bad scene I’ve got myself into.
CSR
I’ll bet.
CALLER
Look, OK? She thought Snuggies were hilarious, and I was all like “It’s a Snuggie for your butt,” but that didn’t really sway her. I grant you permission to use that for your ads, incidentally.
CSR
I don’t really have anything to do with that sir.
CALLER
That’s OK. I’m not concerned. It felt kind of stupid when I was saying it, but maybe if you got someone with a really dignified voice? Wilford Brimley, I’m thinking.
CSR
… Do you want me to process this return for you, sir?
CALLER
Yes, please do.
CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.
CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.
CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.
CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.
CSR
OK, but once it’s out of the original packaging, we can no longer accept it.
CALLER
Ok, but I didn’t “use it,” use it. If you know what I mean. It was a dry run I guess. Is that a term? Do you use that term in the industry? That’s what I’d like to call it. I can explain what I mean if you want.
CSR
Please don’t. And it really makes no difference sir once it’s out of the original packaging.
CALLER
And I washed it afterwards. Obviously.
CSR
Again, no amount of washing will be acceptable.
CALLER
Well this puts us in a bit of a pickle, doesn’t it?
CSR
I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?
CALLER
Yes there is. You work in a little call center there, right? How many people would you say work there with you on the Comfort Wipe product?
CSR
There’s four of us sir, but we handle all sorts of different products…
CALLER
-click-
__
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:39 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how can I help you?
-click-
__
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
CALLER
Hi, Steve-o! I need to return a product I ordered. It broke.
CSR
All right sir, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have the order number with you? It can usu…
CALLER
Yup, got it right here: A662-BN2453-02334.
CSR
Just a moment, sir. I see, OK we do not accept returns on this particular product.
CALLER
Yes, well, it broke. It was faulty.
CSR
Sir, the Comfort Wipe explicitly does not come with a warranty.
CALLER
I noticed. You don’t stand behind your product?
CSR
Sir, I try to stand as far away from that product as possible.
CALLER
Well none of that matters because there is a whole asswad - pun fully intended - of consumer protection laws which say you can’t sell faulty merchandise. This Comfort Wipe broke during its first use. You owe me a refund. I know this, you know this, so let’s do this thing. Otherwise I start talking to your manager and start shipping turds to you. What’s it going to be?
CSR
-pause- Let me process a refund for you sir.
CALLER
Good lad.
CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.
CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER
I was using it on the bus.
CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?
CALLER
I’m trying to explain. I have to take the bus everywhere now because my girlfriend owns the car, and while “we’re rethinking things” I’m stuck without a ride. Anyways, the bus is just full of people, right, but not good people like you or me. Nasty people. And I was waving around my Comfort Wand on the bus so people would give me a little more personal space. So no ass-play at all! Honest! Steven would I lie to you?
CSR
Sir…
CALLER
After all we’ve been through Steven, would I lie to you about ass-play?
CSR
…How did it get broken sir?
CALLER
The bus driver told me to get off the bus. So I bent over and was rubbing it on my ass, over my pants though, so we’re still good, and I’m all like “ooh, what you gonna do?” And then he kicked me right in the ass, and it got in the way and broke.
CSR
Sir, that’s not a valid reason for a refund. It’s not a manufacturing fault, that’s deliberate misuse.
CALLER
But none of it got on my ass! None at all Steven! After I fell down, one guy put one of the pieces in my mouth, but that’s it!
CSR
Jesus Christ sir. -long pause- The relationship between the Comfort Wipe and your ass has no relevance here. In fact, if you were using the product on your ass, that might actually strengthen your case. But because you broke your Comfort Wipe while harassing people on a bus, I cannot give you a refund.
CALLER
THIS IS JUST WHAT NAZI GERMANY MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE! -click-
__
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 4:17 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Sharon speaking, how can I help you?
CALLER
Sharon, this is Chris Bucholz. You’ve probably heard of me. I need help.
CSR
All right. How can I help you?
CALLER
My Comfort Wipe broke off inside my ass.
CSR
I can’t help you sir. You need to see a doctor.
CALLER
What I need Sharon, is a refund.
CSR
I can’t do that for you sir. We’ve been told not to give you a refund.
CALLER
Sharon I am going to lay this down for you: If you do not give me a refund, I will stick something else up my ass. And I will call to tell you about it. I will continue sticking things up my ass and calling to tell you about it until my demands are met. Do you want that on your conscience?
CSR
You’re going to stick a never-ending stream of things up your ass because you want your 20 bucks refunded? Are you insane?
CALLER
I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.
CSR
-Five second pause- Let me get my manager.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER
Hello sir? This is Michael, the manager here. I understand you have something up your ass?
CALLER
Michael, I am an honest man who has gotten caught up in the high stakes world of telecommerce, and now I’m in too deep. The only way I know how to get out is by sticking things in my ass, but it would seem that is no longer enough. I need your help.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER
Sir, I’m going to authorize my staff to give you a full refund.
CALLER
Michael, you’re a gentleman and a scholar.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER
I’m doing this on one condition however, Mr. Bucholz: that you stop harassing my staff. If you ever call this number, or make any conduct with TeleBrands again, I will alert the authorities.
CALLER
I promise that you will hear nary a peep from any of my orifices again sir.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER
-unintelligible- That’s great. Have a nice day, Mr. Bucholz.
____
This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Comfort Wipe. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Brilliant sheer brilliance, loved it.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:21 am
This is possibly the funniest thing ive read in a long long while. Had me crying with laughter all the way through, well done!
October 27th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
funnyiest article ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 27th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
B: He admitted this wasn’t real. But, you know what, neither are television comedies. And, yet, people really like them.
I admit this wasn’t my cup of tea (although there were some funny bits), but I don’t begrudge other people who have different sense of humor than mine.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
holy jesus this was so fucking funny
October 12th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Btw in response to “B says” “Antonio” and “siobahn” and many others
—-everyone is entitled to their own opinion and comments—-
Lets leave it at that.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I think the main point was not really comedy but more so is that he was able to manage a refund. Also, I came here by someone saying that the previous article was not as funny as this one. I don’t know if they are being sarcastic or a failed attempt to advertise(even though i still had enough patience to actually scroll up and type out the whole name and then scroll down for the right link) either way this was not funny nor even slightly amusing.
October 8th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
watch weeds online at http://www.watchweeds-online.com … I highly reccommend it its a really good series they have all seasons and episodes there, enjoy
September 4th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@ B: Are you saying you have a superior sense of humor? What? You have rather narrow view on comedy.
Real or not, I enjoyed this. I especially loved the threats that were made.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:29 am
Comedy should be real and not bogus nonsense. Good comedians find humor in real life things. I go to comedy clubs all the time. I’ve seen good and bad comedy. Most people who are more or less underexposed and have not seen good comedy laugh at almost anything. One you see a good comedian, you read stuff like this and it’s crickets for you because you know it didn’t happen. Some bored guy just pretended a scenario that never happened, and his writing is ridiculously juvenile. I’ve seen middle school students who write better than this..
September 4th, 2009 at 2:15 am
I’m not trying to be mean, but I really don’t think that’s funny at all. Harassing people just to come up with comedy seems ridiculous to me. I came here because somebody posted a link to this saying they died laughing. I came here and I didn’t even think any of this was funny. It’s pretty stupid actually.
August 24th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
This guy deserves a handshake.
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:06 am
It’s like a Snuggie for your butt!
oh, now I can’t stop laughing. lol
August 20th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
@Andrew
Actually, Vince Offey(the ShamWow guy) ShamWowed him in the face.
August 20th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
[...] Regardless, the read will have you crying, its very funny indeed. Be sure to read: “My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken Comfort Wipe“. Coyote’s Life After Roadrunner No comments [...]
August 10th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
For Destroyer0613:
Headset Headcase.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:36 am
God dude every 5 seconds i laughed my ass off for about 6 minutes so it took me almost a full hour to read this.
August 8th, 2009 at 11:28 am
There’s a term for going postal, how about a term for a telemarketer for going crazy, like, I don’t know, help me out here guys.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I bet it was this prank that killed Billy Mays. The TeleBrands customer service representatives got pissed and killed him. Yes. That is my theory on how Billy Mays died!
August 7th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Oi this actually brightened my mood… made me feel really good
August 6th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Katie: I bet alot of people bought it just to prove that they weren’t sprouting crap to their friends.
I laughed hardest at the threats.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:16 am
If God read this, he would laugh so hard he would piss rainbows.
Fucking excellent.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
That was great! I particularly liked ‘gentleman and a scholar’; the sheer irrelevance of ’scholar’ had me cracked. Get it?!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!?/1/1/?!?!/1?!?!?1/1/1?!?!!!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
…BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A good hearty laugh, for a good hearty stick up the ass, good lad.
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:27 am
Very very funny.
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Sweet Zombie Jebus, that was frickin hilarious! I can’t stop laughing.
July 31st, 2009 at 8:29 am
How many of these things do you think they actually sold?!
July 31st, 2009 at 8:24 am
OMG!!!!
i still cant stop laughing!!!
funniest blog evaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!
;{DDDDD
July 29th, 2009 at 10:30 am
i would like to point out to anyone trolling that they are stupid because their opinion has no consequence in the real world
July 29th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Comfort Wipes are nothing compared to the mighty Snuggie!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Oh my god i was laughing so hard i cried
July 28th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Holy cramoly. I honestly felt that I was going to pass out, or possibly just die from lack of oxygen reading this. This was simply hiliarious, and one of the funniest thing I have ever read. It is in my top 5 of teh funneh. Thank you for writing it.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:41 am
one of the funniest i’ve read in a long time
July 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
holy crap this is one of the best stumbles ever. you are a gentleman and a scholar ahhahaha
July 24th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Lol
possibly best blog on cracked!
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:55 pm
BA-HAHAHAHAHAHA on the bus!
July 21st, 2009 at 8:43 pm
My hat is off to you Chris.
I WRITE COMMENTS ON THE INTERNET.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Call centers are suckers when it comes to angry callers…
July 21st, 2009 at 2:51 pm
There’s nothing better than screwing with call centers…
July 21st, 2009 at 7:09 am
Laughed so hard it hurt.
July 20th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
That was BRILLIANT! Honestly, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in months!
July 19th, 2009 at 6:37 am
That was absolutly brilliant, and apart from the idea aside about the comfortwipe, little things like “I’m Chris Bucholz, you’ve probably heard of me” are just great! I couldn’t stop laughing! Love you Chris!
July 18th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
this was great. sounds exactly like something i would do, i hate customer support.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:14 am
At the end of the first call I read, I placed a call myself. Through tears and choking I informed my friends (another cracked fan) that ‘it hurts’. The second call forced me to avert my eyes lest I asphyxiate. By the third I had to revert to emergency measures, wedge my foot against the desk and kick to physically roll myself out of view of the screen to avoid a simultaneous occurrence of all of the above.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Real or not that was one of the funniest things I have ever read. I laughed so hard I cried.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
this was the funniest thing I’ve seen in months.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:38 am
One of the funniest things I’ve read in ages. Do I care if it was real:no, Do I want to see more of this (basically) exact same thing:yes. Great article!
July 6th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
[...] saying tweet … you know it’s time to give it up. Anyway, commence with the funny: Failed Attempt to Return a Broken Comfort Wipe Leave a Comment No Comments Yet so far Leave a comment RSS feed for comments on this post. [...]
July 4th, 2009 at 11:49 am
This was hilarious
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:27 am
Sorry, I didn’t read far enough down to see that this has already been discussed. “for those that say its not funny because its not real, why cant you just imagine it happening.” This is a good point. Some things are funny because you can imagine them happening. But again…the customer service people’s dialogue is too unrealistic to easily imagine that happening. Anyway, sorry. I’ll shut up now. It really wasn’t a completely bad article. I’m sure I couldn’t do better.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:22 am
Really, this was barely funny. This would only be funny if it really happened, and it wouldn’t ever really happen because no one that works in a call center has a sense of humor or would ever even say “ass” for fear of losing their stupid job. For me, it has to be believable to be funny. If a joke doesn’t work on a technical level, a joke just doesn’t work. Sorry to be a dick, no offense to the writer or anyone who found this hilarious.
July 1st, 2009 at 11:40 am
this is some funny shit… i really thought this was real till the end, glad to see there are still some bright and cheerfull people out there, well done
July 1st, 2009 at 10:51 am
How I wish Billy Mays was still alive to do an infomercial for this product. It would riff itself.
July 1st, 2009 at 6:58 am
I am laughing at this for the twelfth time in as many hours.
You are the man, Chris.
June 27th, 2009 at 9:10 am
I hope Chris has a deep and manly voice IRL - because that’s how I tried to make him sound as I read this aloud to a friend - which worked well to differentiate his voice from Michael, until I tried to say very deeply and masculinely, ‘I will continue sticking things up my ass and calling to tell you about it until my demands are met.’
Then everyone in the story just started to sound like a grown woman crying and howling with laughter. xD
June 26th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I can say without any hyperbole that that was the best thing ever.
June 25th, 2009 at 4:02 am
That is the BEST thing I have read in a long time. I am close to tears. XD
June 25th, 2009 at 2:15 am
Oh Jesus… oh jesus… that was, that was fucking priceless… I’m laughing so hard the midget dressed as a flying monkey I keep next to me at all times (AT ALL TIMES) just shed a tear of unbridled joy. I shall now kick him square in the gooch for his minor transgression…
Great job Chris
June 24th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
XD
Nice
June 24th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Fantastic
June 24th, 2009 at 7:40 am
That was BEAUTIFUL
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:48 pm
And I spelt “immaturity” wrong. I’m sick, so sue me. =3
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:47 pm
You, sir, are a golden God of immaturatly, and, having achieved that, have earned a special place in my heart. I am endlessly glad I’m not at school right now, as myself and my friends would have been booted out of the library for laughing too loud.
June 23rd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
“Sharon I am going to lay this down for you: If you do not give me a refund, I will stick something else up my ass. And I will call to tell you about it. I will continue sticking things up my ass and calling to tell you about it until my demands are met. Do you want that on your conscience?”
I damn near choked I was laughing so hard.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:43 am
that…was…classic.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:20 am
why oh why would i ever read this at work. now everybody is staring at me because i was shouting in laughter and almost fell of my chair.
this line got me the worst
“CSR
You’re going to stick a never-ending stream of things up your ass because you want your 20 bucks refunded? Are you insane?”
June 22nd, 2009 at 7:40 pm
the stuff of legends.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
HAHA!!!! That was classic, mate. I laughed pretty hard like 4 times. I love the line “I write for a comedy website. Your mind would crack if you saw what I saw”. Nice!
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Ha ha that is hilarious! I would love to hear the actual recording of those conversations.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:55 am
EPIC WIN
June 22nd, 2009 at 1:58 am
I liked the part where he put something up his ass.
Wait, that sounded gay didn’t it?
June 21st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I think these people in the comment second really need to mellow out. This isn’t a political debate, it’s a piece of comedy!
Everyone has different tastes.
And you should all just treat people the way you’d like to be treated.
I, for one, liked this article.
And by liked, I mean I almost died laughing.
Chris, you are a genius and I want to be your apprentice! TEACH ME. D:
June 21st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
[...] My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken ‘Comfort Wipe’ | Cracked.com — 7:23pm via [...]
June 21st, 2009 at 10:26 am
good stuff… really enjoyed it… Thinkin’ about purchasing one of these for myself!
June 20th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
i’m bored. how is everyone doing? comments are interesting so far, keep it up.
June 20th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Dustyn’s second paragraph hits a good point: you have to admit the scenarios depicted are humorous. for those that say its not funny because its not real, why cant you just imagine it happening. if you can admit that the scenes described are, in fact, funny and if you can imagine them happening, then you should admit that the article is funny. as bulletproof as antonio seems to feel his argument regarding the article’s lack of humor, i simply cannot see a hole in the above point. furthermore, if either of those conditions are not met, i have to question your sense of humor and the quality of your imagination, respectively
June 20th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
God that’s funny. Keep it up Chris.
June 20th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
is this shit real? haha its hilarious
June 20th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
i also resemble Wilford Brimley as pictured above
June 20th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Miss Tea my hobby is to eat 50 mcnuggets, poop in the urinal, make someone else clean it up. While they clean it up i poop in another urinal while pissing on them. Now you know.
June 20th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Crack Needs better authors.. this article was full of crap.
June 20th, 2009 at 10:21 am
haha that was great, it was an epic in ass comedy if i do say so myself
June 20th, 2009 at 8:43 am
After all these years, I still find it a bit weird how people, from all over, will argue or discuss some article like you guys are here.
I always wonder, what are you like in real life? what do you look like?, etc. I’d just love to see in person.
I’d like to know how old Antonio is too,
Please reply!
June 20th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Oh c’mon guys, give it a rest. This “war” on the comments section was entertaning at the beginning, but now it’s just bothersome. We get it, some of you like this article, and some don’t. Enough is enough.
June 20th, 2009 at 6:24 am
I apologize, I’m a bored, smartier-than-thou passive-aggressive bordering on flying the feck right off my hinges, and I like to fume in the comments sections of any article that doesn’t meet my self-righteous standards. I’ll put myself outside of some rat poison now.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Mr. Bucholz, you have just made me fall out of my chair from laughter. I commend you greatly.
June 19th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I wish I had this kind of wit during a prank call. I usually lose myself within the first few minutes..
June 19th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
The comments entertained me more than the article did.
O.O
June 19th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I don’t keep coming back to “defend” myself. At least, not in the way you intend it.
Why is social interaction such a bad thing? Even if it’s on the internet…on a comedy site. That makes it more fun, I think, because you can say what you really think cause you’re not face to face with someone and you really don’t have to take it that seriously. It’s like an outlet…
But anyway, what are we supposed to do in a comments section? Everyone just say someting along the lines of “lolz soooo great omg teh part about your a&$! hahaha! so crazy!”
I wrote a funny mini article about why this one sucked and how the commenters sounded like vapid mouth-breathers and then argued back and forth with some random dudes. Did anything bad or scary happen? Did anything in YOUR little world get knocked out of whack? No. So yeah, I AM arguing on a web page about nonsense…complete bullshit in fact…is that any worse than reading an article about a poop stick?
At least in MY wast of time I was atually engaged in mental activity….somthing that a lot of you might want to look back into at some point.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I’m not sure I’d call this a “Failed Attempt”. I didn’t lol, but I thought it was funny.
June 19th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
that was the funniest shit i’ve read all month, is this your duty? (pun intended)
June 19th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Here’s an idea for both Antonio and Siobhan and anyone else involved.
It’s a fucking comedy website. If you don’t find it funny, fucking leave. No one is interested in what you have to say. I use my freedom of speech to say that it is wasted on you. If either of you had even an iota of intelligence, you’d be doing something with your life.
Also, funny article. Keep it up.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Dustyn says:”considering all of this was technically done through dialogue makes it all the more brilliant. Great writing, good comedy.. it did it’s job. In layman’s terms: It was fucking funny. “nary a peep from any of my orifices” ROFL.”
You are really not helping your case. Besides, that little tirade was way more asshole-ish than anything Antonio has put up. So enjoy your hypocrisy on that level you deemed below idiots.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Know what is funny?
Antonio and Siobhan are the same person. Some douche who writes a 4 paragraph while stroking himself.
Have you thought about suicide?
June 19th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
If you are so secure with your intellect, Antonio, why do you keep coming back to “defend” yourself. The only logical answer I found was that you are an instigator and arguing with the intellectually challenged makes you feel better about yourself. I admit that some comments make me cringe such as ones where the author neglects to use of capitalization, punctuation, or… basic grammar skills of any sort. Anonymity makes people do stupid things and, more often than not, I forgive them for it but when someone (i.e. you) starts a totally unnecessary altercation (in the comments of a comedy article), I weep for mankind. They may be stupid but you are just an ass hole and in the hierarchy of humanity, ass holes are beneath idiots (no offense, fellow Cracked.com readers!).
As for the article; you have to admit that the scenarios depicted are quite humorous. You can picture the four operators in the office and the ass wipe-waving madman on the bus and considering all of this was technically done through dialogue makes it all the more brilliant. Great writing, good comedy.. it did it’s job. In layman’s terms: It was fucking funny. “nary a peep from any of my orifices” ROFL.
June 19th, 2009 at 9:31 am
[...] out this consumer review. (No Ratings Yet) Loading [...]
June 19th, 2009 at 8:08 am
He should have just bought a “Comfortable Stick” in the first place.
http://tinyurl.com/ComfortableStick
June 19th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Funny!!
June 19th, 2009 at 7:04 am
the article was funny, nuff said-
I’ve never seen so much useless blogging in my life-
get a life people, go ride a bike JEEZ-US get over it
June 19th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Oh sorry, this is Antonio, btw, apparently the last time I commented using my iPhone I wrote under the name “poop”. This should give you an indication of how seriously I take the ‘comments’ section of this article.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Malleo: correct. It should say “if all [stupid people] make [stupid comments] and all [people] that make [stupid comments] are [stupid people] then”
This is syntax, the semantics remain the same and if you look at the semantics (the meaning) you’ll maybe notice something: is it true that “[people] that make [stupid comments] are [stupid people]“? What if an otherwise “smart” person makes a stupid comment? The only way he could still be stupid was if you used a loose significance of “stupid” as “silly” or “being a dummy”. In other words, I’m not attacking your whole life’s work or invalidating your existance, I’m calling you stupid, in this context, from my perspective.
In other other words, you all need to chill out and not force such a serious interpretation of why I say, jesus. If you think this article is an example of good writing and/or funny then you are a dummy. Stupid.
Is that mature? Constructive? no but I don’t care, my overall point is pretty sound and if it mattered I could elaborate on terms like “stupid” and “sucks” but that wasn’t really my goal. You should know what I’m trying to say without me spelling it out for you…if you were smart that is.
June 19th, 2009 at 5:03 am
To TheRedeemer -
FAG
==== = ====||
|| || || ||
=== ==== || ==
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June 19th, 2009 at 5:01 am
Dude that was the funniest f*n thing i’ve read in ages - u are the ass scratching man!!!
June 19th, 2009 at 12:50 am
sorry, i couldnt let this one go, even though it seems everyone else is giving antonio shit and i dont really need to pile it on
if “[stupid people] make [stupid comments]” then if someone makes a “[stupid comment]” they are a “[stupid people/'person']”
that is not logically correct. x implies y does not mean y implies x. that is probably the first thing you learn in any logic course. be careful next time you have the urge to openly declare yourself to be smarter than people on the internets.
beyond the fact that your argument is not logical, i still must disagree. this is a funny article and it was well written, regardless of whether the prank was real or not.
on a somewhat unrelated note, at the very least i can respect where theredeemer was coming from
June 18th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Article > yay
Antonio > meh
June 18th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
I rarely comment in forums, but I am curious to see how people will react to my post. Given the diverse responses from brash insults to more eloquent arguments, for or against the article, or the other people in the forums, the comments have interested me far more than the article itself.
I for one do not often find slapstick or crude humor to be all that entertaining. I prefer a more subtle joke that takes some effort to understand and more so to create. Direct, in-your-face humor often bores me more than it entertains.
Concerning this article, I would have to say the attempt to return this product is humorous in concept, when it creates an embarrassing situation for the employee. But, I would have to agree that as the article progressed, the conversation seemed more absurd and contrived, causing me to doubt that any embarrassment had actually occurred, and thus making the humor forced and unsatisfying.
Although I dislike the content of this article, I would have to disagree with a number of posts that call supporters of the article as retarded, dumb, or having a poor sense of humor. I have found many of my friends who are quite strong in character and intelligence to prefer this kind of humor and I never think anything less of them. The comments bashing the author personally for his style, or its supporters for their tastes are misplaced at best and antagonistic at worst. It’s one thing to critique an article through argument or distaste and its quite another to dismiss the person behind it entirely.
I wish Mr. Bucholz the best of success in his writings and am glad so many of his fans enjoyed this piece. I’m sure he will do quite well as there obviously seem to be plenty who enjoy his humor.
I however, will not be one of them. =)
- TheRedeemer
June 18th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Antonio,
1. Remember, the Titanic was “basically” unsinkable. And we all know what happened to it.
2. I understand your viewpoint, and I accept your right to voice it. But I don’t agree with it, so I’m expressing my opinion.
3. If you hate things that are obviously fake, then I guess you hate every single work of fiction ever created.
4. What did I say about the damn quotation marks?
June 18th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
[...] Check out this consumer review. [...]
June 18th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Haha edit: 2…..”that IT is actually bad”..
sorry I’m retarded too!
June 18th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Also, correcting minor grammar or spelling mistakes is an asinine way to try and display intelligence. That too, is retarded.
June 18th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
1. My responses are repetitive because my position hasn’t changed. I keep trying to explain the same basic points but someone ALWAYS has something to say about it.
2. My viewpoint is basically flawless: This is not a controversial piece of writing. I’m sure there are many standards of writing that you could compare this too and many different ways you could break down it’s style and you could make a valid argument that is actually bad.
3. 2, doesn’t really matter to me because…
4. You can tell very obviously that this sucks by the fact it is a fake prank call. You don’t need to over analyze that to get it.
5. If you can’t determine this is fake, or you think run-on comedy, repetitive, depthless comedy is funny, you yourself lack depth in your analytical skills.
6. Over the years I, personally, have become cynical to the groups that these people tend to belong to and the influence they have on the country.
7. I voice my contempt. Once even tying America into it.
I really don’t see what’s so hard to understand
June 18th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
“I don’t think I’m THAT smart, just smarter than you.”
Of course you are, cupcake. Demonstrated by your repetitive responses that look vaguely similar to the complaints of every troll on every forum of the entire internet. Up to and including your belief that only you know what is good writing and good comedy and anyone who disagrees with you is obviously of below average intelligence.
All you lack is being the 20th person in the comments section to correct some grammar mistake, misspelling, or fact in the article to reach the pinnacle of ‘annoying Cracked commentor.’
But, I’ve grown bored now. You haven’t said anything new or interesting in.. actually, in a single one of your posts. So, please continue to proclaim the superiority of your intelligence over those very people you call retarded.. I’m sure one day you’ll get enough confidence to venture out and talk to a real girl.
But, before I go.. I submit that perhaps we should have Antonio and DoctorChaos do some sort of troll throwdown to see who comes out on top.
My money’s on Chaos. His commitment to his troll-dom is beyond compare.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
How do I get “trolled properly”?
A like quotation marks cause they are sweet. I can’t spell and my english grammar is messed up so whatever.
Why do I keep coming back here and comenting? Am I trying to prove my intelligence? No. I know more or less where I reside on the intelligence scale, and I’m pretty secure in the abilities and limits of my mental capacity. Nah… I like coming back to see what people have to say to someone they perceive as completely wrong (maybe). It’s interesting. I like seeing the way you guys see the world.
I dunno, I think this article is dumb and that most of you are as well. Maybe I’m wrong, but I have yet to have anyone really shake that conviction.
As for…let’s see…”just a random passerby”’s discussion on syntax: if calling a “spade a spade” means calling an “[X] an [X], and if “[stupid people] make [stupid comments]” then if someone makes a “[stupid comment]” they are a “[stupid people/'person']” and supposing we include (”defending a piece of bad writing”) and (”demonstrating an inability to determine random human speech from contrived human speech”) as part of the set of [stupid comments] then all I am doing, is calling stupid people who make stupid comments, “stupid people”, and thus calling “[stupid people], [stupid people]“. So besides the fact you wanted to be an asshole and tried to pretend that idiomatic expressions are supposed to be taken literally, even under a logical analysis of what I was saying you’re still wrong and still don’t know what the fuck you’re even saying.
And I don’t think I’m “so smart” or even smarter than a ton of people. I can just tell very easily who is dumber than me
e.g.;
“I could not stop laughing. I know that Comfort Wipe is true, they were making fun of it on the news, of all things. Fucking hilarious prank call!”
“If you made this up, it is pretty ingenious. If this phone call actually happened, then this is pure awesome. Either way, we win!”
“antonio -
eat a dick.maybe that would be funny to you[...]obviously so many of you dimwitted hypocritical morons have never made a prank call or enjoyed the mind numbing idiocy that is crank yankers”
June 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
: )
June 18th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
@Antonio:
If you’re so smart, how come you can’t even spell hilarious correctly?
June 18th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Antonio, Snowy et al: You guys scare me.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I have something for everyone to contemplate… I have a saying, “Fighting and winning an argument on the internet is like running in the special Olympics…you may win first place, but in the end you’re still special.” So Antonio if you “know” you’re smarter then the rest of us, then this saying should be ingrained in your mind. That or you are not as smart as you claim to be and you’re just trying to win first place.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
“I call people that think this article is good writing and/or a real prank call “stupid…because well, they are. Just calling a spade a spade.”
Actually, Antonio, if you want to be REALLY smart about this, I’m going to point out that you’re actually calling the spade red. If you were calling the spade a spade, then you’d actually be saying “The people that read this are people.”
You are, in fact, calling the spade red. Doesn’t matter that it’s green, you’ve decided it’s red, and you’re damn well gonna preach that red spade so far up your ass it’ll be coming out your mouth brown.
Stop trying to be a troll, before somebody trolls you properly, and just enjoy this article in all its deliciously absurd hilarity.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Poor Antonio, I bet he’s a high school kid who calls himself smarter than everyone else but will end up fat, single and working in a comic book shop.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
And here you are, on the very website you deride, typing out a lengthy message to someone that you think you’re smarter than.
Also, you make generalizations about anyone who finds this article funny without knowing them. Personally, I found this article funny because of the sheer absurdity. If we only laughed at things that were real, this world would be a very mundane place.
And calling all the “regular folks” in America stupid is yet another idiotic generalization. I mean, that’s like saying everyone in France is constantly drunk and never bathing, or everyone in Austrailia has a pet kangaroo.
I can argue with you as much as I want because you’re obviously blind in every aspect of observation, as your reality is a place where you’re king, armies of quotation marks roam the earth, and I enjoy your company.
Seriously, stop using so many damn quotation marks. It’s annoying.
June 18th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Siobhan, they’re called cynics.
I mean you can try and group me into the group of “inellectually superior non-conformists” but what does that really mean?
I mean how intellectually superior do you think I hold myself to be if I am spending my time chatting with you? You asked the question yourself “why don’t I go off and [insert intellectual activity here] (if I’m so high and mighty)”?
The answer is cause I don’t think I’m THAT smart, just smarter than you. If you are a fast runner, you may know you are fast runner but you might not think youre the FASTEST runner. But you would obviously be faster than some people. You see where I’m going with this?
I call people that think this article is good writing and/or a real prank call “stupid…because well, they are. Just calling a spade a spade.
And my comments about America? Well the mass ignorance of these “regular folks” that read Cracked.com and the fact that glenn beck has a “comedy” tour signal to me that there is a problem.
You can’t really argue with me dude because I’m so much as saying an opinion as observing reality.
And just because I’m anticipating the comment “whether you think an article is funny is not a fact its an opinion” let me respond with this:
there is no way to objectify “funny”. I know. My subjective impression is that this kind of humor is stupid, however, even if poopy and penis jokes are what make you laugh, by the standards of that genre this article is STILL bad. There are many examples of shit like it that is much more skillfully made.
However, my gripe is well illustrated by those commenting here: this would be so much more hillarious if it had been real or at least written to seem real. The whole point of a “prank” call is that you are actually “pranking” somone. The fact that people can’t discern that this is fake means they don’t realize how unrealistic it sounds (something you could prove, by the way) and thus means they are ignorant of what a real conversation sounds like and THUS I am RIGHTLY calling them out on it for being “retarded”, a hyperbole which I find quite hillarious.
June 18th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Deathwish says: that would be about as fun as shoving a cactus up my ass.
Don’t knock it till ya try it.
@Siobhan - Have you actually tried ball sucking? For some reason, I feel it would be right up your alley…
June 18th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I’m amazed that Antonio has managed in his wealth of comments to utter every trite, tired phrase of all the “intellectually superior non-comformists” that plagues essentially any and all online forums.
“Yer all retarded/lame/suck”
“There’s no hope for America”
“Suck my balls”
“I can’t believe how stupid you all are.. anyone intelligent would know ”
Just amazing. Do you guys have a club? Are there official “douchebag” phrases with which you are all sent out into the world of the interwebs with? Do you troll your own club’s forum?
June 18th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
[...] For the rest and even better part of the conversation click here. [...]
June 18th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Lol you guys are so fucking lame.
The comments about how awesome this “prank call” was just keep rolling in too. So yeah, I guess there’s not much hope for America after all, I really should stop waiting to see it.
Good luck dumbasses. Keep using your jedi “mindfuck” powers to get ahead.
Also: even if snowy was really “messing” with everyone, that makes him more pathetic than he already came accross as, not less.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:34 am
“After all we’ve been through Steven, would I lie to you about ass-play?”
if i only hae a nickle for everytime i fell for that line!
this site has to have some of the funniest stuff ive read lately on the internet!
i stand and salute you,sir!!
June 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Brilliantly funny. Thanks!
June 18th, 2009 at 8:34 am
But how do the three seashells work??
June 18th, 2009 at 7:45 am
I guess some people need to get out of their mom’s basements…:)
June 18th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Yes it’s true. I knew Snowy was messing with us from the begining. You would pretty much have to be retarded to not know what he was doing. Just as I was trying to illicit a response for no other reason than to mindfuck you with the paradox of saying I don’t give a fuck while typing a whole paragraph to say it. Cracked is a satirical website, and thus –you’re going to get satirical comments. I really have no wish for you to ingest my penis, because that would be about as fun as shoving a cactus up my ass.
Bite me,
Deathwish
June 18th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Bucholz, you take the art form of messing with CSR to the level of…an art form. I think.
I once told a window and siding salesmen that I was in a cult, and I’d love to invite him over to show me windows and siding, as long as he’d let me try and talk him into the cult.
He called my bluff, but I still didn’t buy any siding or windows.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Antonio, if you are ’so’ intelligent why don’t you use your superior intelligence for something useful instead of trying to make yourself appear superior to people who you’ll never meet and never even make eye-contact with in real life?
But then again, it’s pretty clear you rarely do that with strangers anyway. You’ve clearly got some deep deep social issues.
Maybe someone who claims to be ’smarter’ than me can explain why they felt the need to post comments that the author will never read, respond to or even acknowledge, just for the sake of it?
June 18th, 2009 at 6:31 am
If you made this up, it is pretty ingenious. If this phone call actually happened, then this is pure awesome.
Either way, we win!
June 18th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Siobhan?
Go eat a turd. You take this internet shit waaaay to serious. You fucking, hot sauce douching, four eyed Frenchy.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Very funny….but suggestion? Half way through the second call it was kind of….obvious? that the CSR were fucking with you. Would be better if you would of kept it going longer.
June 18th, 2009 at 6:01 am
[...] Request for refund = rejected __________________ They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. Thats nothing, cause if you play it forwards, it installs Windows [...]
June 18th, 2009 at 1:56 am
Awesome, I LOL’d.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___ Tallconnect.com ___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
June 17th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
funny .
June 17th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Well done Chris. Now could you teach DOB how to be funny again?
June 17th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Antonio,
What you categorically fail to understand is that the majority of people who are responding to you are either:
1.) Trolling you in response to your trolling.
2.) Take exception to the fact that you insulted everyone who did appreciate the article (and not that you didn’t like the article).
No one here actually cares whether or not you liked the article. And you are indeed correct that it is your prerogative to both dislike the article and state you disliked the article (though, I have to say.. I’m not sure if you know this but being a dick is never actually going to be considered by anyone as constructive criticism. It just makes you a dick).
But, what really makes you a douchebag is the fact that you felt the need–right off the bat–to insult anybody who could possibly disagree with your opinion. Which would explain.. I know this is a hard one for you.. why everyone’s responding to you as if you’re a condescending prick.
And.. here’s another kicker.. no one actually honestly cares that you insulted those of us who *did* like the article.. we just want to heckle the hecklers. So.. basically, refer to point number 1.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
finally, a human response. Congratulations ninjaman, you have the first, and most, intelligent response so far
June 17th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Ah, good to see some old fashioned shit and ass comedy in a world far too devoted to irony, poetic comedy, and cynicism. I approve of this article.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Haha nope. I’m getting high and watching south park. Now I’m in bed though….want to know what I had for breakfast too?
I think it’s interesting talking about shit on the internet (hence why I even bothered commenting in the first place) and I like hearing myself talk, and these guys like to keep the dialogue going. It’s all good.
But yeah, about that “puppet master” stuff. I just realized that Snowy was criticizing me for having a superiority complex by saying that the whole time he was somehow using his LanguidgePowerz to entertain himself….by “toying” with and watching…. everyone….. from his perch of “worthwhileness” hahah. What a deuche.
Anyway never said I was BETTER than anyone or that I had more worthwhile things to do.
Again, I was saying that 1. this article is dumb and 2. so are Buckholz’s fans. They may be angels made of sugar, who knows, but their brains might as well be made of playdough. (and it’s like their mouth is one of those plastic things that shapes their playdoughey thoughts as they come out)
June 17th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Hey Antonio, where do you find the time to keep replying to all these “morons”? Aren’t you too busy reading Orwell, or searching google for big words?
June 17th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
What I DO think is funny, is that every other person in the comments section thinks theyre the fucking puppet master.
lolarious.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I accidently the Comfort Wipe! The whole THING!
… considering the dialogue was made up, it could have been funnier.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Wow…I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure which psychological disorder you have if you were hunched at your computer pretending to lead me around in a conversation, but it reminds me of Al Gore in that South Park episode on global warming (ManBearPig hahaa).
You even left “hints”?…. Yes I picked up on your reference to your past trolling episodes, but since all my involvment in this comment section has been on one topic only (my adequate description of this article as “sucky”) I didn’t address your mastermind scheme.
You don’t know five languages. You don’t even have a great command of one.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Antonio,
Just a piece of advice. Never assume you are smarter then the person on the other side of the screen. You have no idea who they are. You don’t know their motives, their upbringing, or whether they have been messing with your emotional responses the entire time when you misunderstood their original post that was a satirical piece “supporting” the other side trying to evoke retarded fervor.
Remember what I said at the beginning how you didn’t get it?
You still haven’t. In between learning my fifth language, I’ve left this up just to see what you’d say next. You haven’t disappointed.
I literally picked the most opinionated person and mentioned their name. I gave big hints too, especially the part where I talked about how I liked to mess with people myself. That’s the problem with scanning what someone says to pick out the parts you disagree with. You miss the entire context.
And the following comment about the first one being retarded, another big give away. And you completely missed it. The only reason I’ve really hung on was to see how you’d respond.
You’ve assumed, bragged, insulted, and generally allowed a supposedly undeserved superiority complex control your actions.
Thank you for being my rhesus monkey. It entertained me for a while, but now I have to actually devote my life to something worthwhile, and leave the internet comments to the rest of you.
Have fun!
-Snowy
P.S. You can think I’m full of shit, you can think I’m retarded, you can think whatever you want. That’s the beauty of individuality. You can use any lies you want to make yourself feel better.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
damn I wish you could edit this comments….anyway, to clarify, Undercurrent 2. increases my contempt for you all because in your defense of this article you demonstrate that you think it is a transcription of a real prank call.
Hope that helps.
I eagerly wait your response- because I know it’s coming.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
*rubs eyes* i never “gained” the intelligent high ground. I’m not trying to MAKE myself smarter than you, I AM smarter than you. I’m also dumber than a lot of other people but you are not one of them.
There are 2 undercurrents in this argument that you’re not getting
1. Is that I don’t think this article was funny or even skillfully written, and I already gave my reasons.
Ok so at this point you could agree or disagree and then, logically, you would say why but…
2. People either a) don’t say why they think I should ingest penises or b) ask my why I don’t like prank calls
This increases my contempt for you and the others commenting here. Then I stated this.
Somehow you’ve confused my contempt for this article with my contempot for you (the collective you) and you’ve lumped them into one large argument which you are attacking in one approach.
Finally, all these conversion on just what we’re talking isn’t me talking down to you, it’s me explaining to you shit that you would see if your head wasn’t up your ass. Normal people don’t have to talk about this shit because it’s just understood. That’s why boob is defending what I’m saying despite the fact we don’t share any particularly strong emotions about this article, just maybe some agreement as to its quality.
We’re watching you guys rant and you don’t even know what you’re ranting about. Sorry that’s kind of funny… it’s like watching a Cracked article write itself.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
The article was amusing. I chuckled. But Fealiks’ comment was funnier.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Deathwish said “NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.”
But you surely do, as you respond so passionately.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Hey Fealiks, you’re “bono” reference makes little sense, as you are obviously overcome with tingly sensations in the nethers when you think of him, screwing with your sense of judgment. And of course, I also know you’re a tool because you like U2.
If you actually decide to read some of the comments in this section like “Tell me this isnt real!”, and “Is this for real? Of course it is…” you can see that the majority of these people would be standing in the supermarket (to steal your example) holding a metal can and screaming “THIS FEELS LIKE PLASTIC”.
And no, I don’t believe that I am the smartest person on here, but surely smarter than you and many of the shit-flinging mouth-breathers that commented in this section.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Antonio,
As you can see, I’m letting Snowy do all the work. I’m sorry, I’m just done with you. You’re so dumb I don’t even have to make fun of you. I’m basically wiping my ass with your dignity.
-Deathwish
P.S. Did you know that Snowy can make great cheesecake from scratch? It’s delicious and worth my time, unlike you. Be sure to come back for seconds after you’re done down there.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Antonio,
I figured as long as we are all going to spout of any random bullshit that comes to mind, I should at least make my educational.
What do your comments teach?
-Snowy
P.S. How exactly did you gain the intelligent high ground in this conversation? Because you keep talking like we need it explained slowly to us. Which is something people do when they are trying to act smarter then they really are. Couple with a few insults about your opponents, and you have a promising career ahead of you in politics.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I love cracked. Normally I don’t comment a whole lot, but this article was so good and it made me laugh out loud so many times, that it would be a crime, nay, it would be -rude- to just walk away without saying anything. Well done Bucholz.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Deathwish,
I like cheesecake.
-Snowy
P.S. I’m actually really good at making cheesecake from scratch.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
*clap clap clap * He’s a big dumb animal isn’t he, folks?
Yeah snowy, you got me. When I said that the comment section was for “commenting on the article I just read” I meant you can just say anything, which by the way, addresses what I was saying. Maybe you can teach me some of those skillz sometime man.
And deathwish, I know you care at least a little bit. I have a whole paragraph of evidence <3
June 17th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
@boobs: why the fuck would people try to get a response out of people by praising the article, numbnuts? That’d be like trying to start a riot at a U2 concert by yelling “BONO’S GLASSES ARE AN ATTRACTIVE ADDITION TO HIS ALREADY HANDSOME FACE AND I AM FOND OF THE BAND IN GENERAL!”
And to proudly claim that you see through this prank call as being fake when Chris said “which I can assure you is not fictional in any way” at the start regarding the call is pretty fucking arrogant.
I imagine you frequently pick up cans in supermarkets and loudly shout “this is made of METAL, you fucking morons… and all you idiots who actually think that dry grass has the same effect as a contact lens can go fucking die for all I care… Jesus, am I the only well-educated person here?!”.
You smug bastard.
The article was pretty good (and I know that sounds really, really provocative but I mean no harm by it, honestly)
June 17th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Haha. Yes Snowy, I believe it does.
-Your biggest fan,
Deathwish
P.S. …You sure? I’ve been told that my dick tastes like cheesecake. > <
June 17th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Deathwish,
The last part of your paragraph rhymes.
-Snowy
P.S. …nah, I’m good…
June 17th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Antonio, boobs ,and edna –ok here we go ….eat my dick. Just gobble it all up and gargle, rinse, spit, and swallow. You think you’re smart for not laughing at that? So we don’t have any class. Who gives a shit anyway. Nobody cares about what you have to say. So take your worthless opinions and shove them down your throat, so that when you try to gloat –you just choke on all the shit you promote. The rest of us will have our laugh because we deserve it. If you can do better than write your own. We know you’re probably living out of your mother’s home. Don’t ruin our day. Just go away. Once again, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
During the Renaissance, the Medici family use to loan out money to individuals by meeting up with them on park benches, and discussing and handing over cash to them.
This was one of the first debt and loan structures in Europe, and currently is how the vast majority of global economics functions.
Because of its humble start on benches, when formal banks started to be built they actually decided to keep the same name from before.
That is why in Italian, Spanish, and French, the word for ‘bank’ and ‘park bench’ are the same.
-Snowy
P.S. It’s called a comments section, so I’m commenting.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Uhhh, siobhan if that’s what I’m doing, then awesome. I’m psyched I can make a difference in your life just by telling you how I fell about someone’s FAKE PRANK CALL
God damn, I serioulsy can’t get over the fact people think this was a real call and that real people say things like “You’re going to stick a never-ending stream of things up your ass because you want your 20 bucks refunded? Are you insane?”
Yeah that’s how the call would go.
The only mind numbing idiocy is your own… jesus christ.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
“I’m writing on the internet so insults are fun..”
I’m sure all of us feel properly put in place about our intelligence level by someone who drops gems of wisdom like that.
Again.. thank you for lighting the way for us.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
antonio -
eat a dick.
maybe that would be funny to you
obviously so many of you dimwitted hypocritical morons have never made a prank call or enjoyed the mind numbing idiocy that is crank yankers
June 17th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
FUCKIN AWESOME LOL LOL LOL
clonefarm.blogspot.com
June 17th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Yeah, this really isn’t funny, it’s just some asshole prank call
June 17th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Wow, all you people who even have the inkling that this is real are fucking idiots. Same goes to the “can’t stop laughing” crowd. Either your expectations/sensibilities/intelligence are extremely low, or you’re just trying to elicit a response. If the latter, well done.
Like I said before, I love cracked, I go on here just about every day and read good, quality, funny articles. This was not nearly one of those. Look, I can write this article in 4 lines:
Caller: Duuurrr heeerrrr, butts and farts
CSR: How may I help you?
Caller: My butt stinks and I want money back
CSR: Stick more things up your ass
Done. Exactly as funny as the linguistic diarrhea in the article.
This hate on this article isnt about being “serious”, its about being “funny”, or rather a lack there of.
Lets just be perfectly clear here:
Craked = good
This article = bad.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I could not stop laughing. I know that Comfort Wipe is true, they were making fun of it on the news, of all things. Fucking hilarious prank call!
June 17th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Sorry sorry, i meant to say “chill out”. I don’t know what “chill it” means
June 17th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Madstar, it’s not true. It’s fake. I don’t know how that fact could be more obvious.
And to all you haters, let me try to be really clear: this article sucks. That’s it. I’m not trying to write a dissertation on comedy as an art, blow your mind, or any other hifalutin concept you are trying to be pretend like I’m attempting to do here…my original comment, and all comments following that, simply stated my lack of entertainment from this piece and why i thought so. And I’m writing on the internet so insults are fun (especially when you have such easy targets)
So chill it. It’s not my fault you laugh at stupid shit. There’s apparently a market for it (even Shakespeare had his groundlings). Anyway, although clowns with pies are a reasonable suggestion, just so that we can be chrystal clear here are some articles I think are funny on cracked
1. Anything not written by Chris Bucholz
2. http://www.cracked.com/article_17477_10-things-that-will-not-end-well.html
3.http://www.cracked.com/article_17439_shady-agendas-behind-5-popular-conspiracy-theories.html
4.http://www.cracked.com/blog/i-watch-glenn-becks-comedy-tour-regret-it/
Look everyone, this whole situation has gotten way out of hand, but it’s all so simple:
This article sucks. I know a lot of you think it’s funny, but it’s because you’re stupid, so I don’t hold anything against you, maybe you’re all great people, you’re just easily entertained by nonsense though, which in turn entertains me, and then apalls me when I think about in the grand scheme of things.
Friends?
June 17th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Ok that was hilarious if it was true (which I highly doubt as you would have been courteous enough to audio tape it for us).
June 17th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I’d rather have one of these instead: http://www.tinyurl.com/ComfortableStick (Hilarious spoof of the Comfort Wipe)
June 17th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I hope that was true, word for word. I was laughing my ass off in the office. Great job, keep it up!
June 17th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Antonio likes art house ‘comedies’ where clowns get hit by pies.
Except there is no pie, the pie is invisible, and the clowns are wearing business suits.
It’s all irony isn’t it?
June 17th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I call bullshit. Even so, ROFL.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Bravo. {slow clap}
June 17th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Antonio,
Given how laughable your concept of irony is, I can only imagine what “true” comedy is to you..
Not to mentioning bookending your so-called constructive criticism with insults to both the writer and other commentors somehow calls into questions it’s constructiveness. But, of course, your knowledge of the aesthetics of comedy are unquestionably correct, so who I am to judge?
June 17th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Rofl.
Is this for real?
Of course it is…
June 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Siobhan,
I actually did leave constructive critcism, (that prank calls are only funny if they happen, that is writing style is long, boring, and lacking depth, and that his material is really just stupid “penis and poop” style humor) but given the fact these are the comments of Cracked.com I appologize if my internet ramblings did not meet your expectations but I don’t think I’ll be refining to anything more academic or professional.
But yeah, you could use some pointers too as your sarcastic whining really didn’t address any real issues of min. I don’t know what the big deal is with me saying I think this article sucks anyway and then giving reasons.
As for how you will manage? I dunno, I guess that’s your sad little problem.
Btw you suck. (i know, blatant trolling…tsk…but the irony was too irresistable)
June 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
as usual chris, another streak–no, beam– of geniusosity
that was fantasmagoric, way to go ^^
June 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I’m not using any different names. These are people who legitimatley think I’m a deuche. At least that is a step in the right direction (towards thinking) instead of just defending this crappy article.
Anyway, I don’t really care about the article, although I still stand behind what I said, it’s just more interesting coming here to see that people feel so passionately about bad writing and lame ideas.
Someone even suggested I sit around and eat caviar and order pizzas….that sounds kind of like a good idea i’m sorry to say! However this person totally ruined their chances with me by then saying this: “Get some intelligent insults then come back. KTHXBAI”
They also wanted me to stop using the word “gay”, but that is about the gayest thing I’ve ever heard: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euphemism_treadmill#The_.22euphemism_treadmill.22
KTHXBAIIIIIII
June 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Antonio,
Of course, opening your comment by implying that anybody who finds this funny is retarded and ending with a ‘you suck, Chris’.. yes, that’s criticism.. constructive criticism, even. Not trolling. Of course, how could I have gotten those confused?
And the rest of your comments? Really enlightening to how us mentally challenged fans should view Chris’s comedy writing and how Chris could improve. Thank you for the lighting the way..
Now, if only I could figure out how to overuse caps lock and exclamation points, perhaps I could begin to emulate your insightful critiques.
But alas, I am retarded.. for I find this article funny and will never be able to live up to such high standards as yours.
How will I ever manage?
June 17th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
This has been one of the best telephone calls I have ever read. Way to go!
June 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
That was a fantastic article. I’m still laughing 10 minutes later.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Wow, I think all these reactions to Antonio is the closest I’ve ever come to seeing a rape fight. Oh wait, I forgot about every YouTube comment section. Speaking of which, Antonio, you should probably make a YouTube video about how much you hate funny things, and then make a Face-Book video about close minded-ness and you can invite all your other high and mighty friends and you can have a big party. You can order a pizza, and then make cruel comments about the delivery boys vehicle while you sip champagne and eat caviar on tiny silver forks.
On a related note, you can eat a dick
Funny article too
June 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Antonio: Using gay as an ‘offensive’ word is just straight ignorant and it doesn’t help your point AT ALL to use immature words like that. Get some intelligent insults then come back. KTHXBAI
This article was freaking hilarious.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
This is among the funniest articles that I have ever read on the internet. Well done.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
[...] have got to read the whole transcript – I was in tears (stifiling my laughter so as not to wake the kids!). [via [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I know I’m a weak stupid prick. I’m sorry.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
You are a used “Comfort wipe”!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Fuck you, sir! …and quit using different names to support your lame ass comments.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Do another!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on ___ http://Talconnect.com ___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
they make a similar product to clean toilets with. i wish i was there for the lightbulb moment when the fat ass cleaning the toilet with the “i’m to lazy to properly clean where i shit” attitude took “i’m too lazy to properly clean where i shit” in a new for 2009 direction.
hey ma! look what i invented!
June 17th, 2009 at 11:34 am
dude i laughed so hard my manager asked if i was high
June 17th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Great. America has officially gotten too fat to wipe its own ass.
Also, could this be a step towards the mysterious “three seashells” we keep hearing about in the Demolition Man version of the future?
June 17th, 2009 at 11:22 am
[...] I read that article but I don’t remember where I saw it nevermind, I clicked the search button My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken ‘Comfort Wipe’ | Cracked.com __________________ [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Voice of Reason: I do actually, masturbate to my own individualism. Sometimes I stare at abstract art and run one out as I think about how much I understand the artist’s intentions!!!
To the-random-dude-who-criticized-my-”trolling”: I don’t know if you notice the quotation marks (these things: “” !) around the word “trolling”, but me seeing a shitty piece of writing that is supposed to pass for a telefone correspondence and then subsequently calling out that piece of shit for it’s shitiness, is otherwise known as “criticism” and not trolling.
Trolling is like talking about 9/11 or black people or something.
Anyway, this article is still gay, and most of you are apparently still retarded.
PS I also gave Bucholz the benefit of the doubt and checked out a few of his other articles. Here is his format (it sucks) for all his articles:
1. Stupid premise
2. Start off faulteringly well, giving hope to the reader
3. Elicit a few chuckles
4. Continue with the same premise
5. Continue with the same premise
6. Continue wiht the same premise
7. Repeat steps 4-6
8. Now that the joke (which started on a flimsy base to begin with) is thoroughly ravished and beaten, award the reader’s efforts of sifting through endless amounts of drivel with a predictable, ho-hum ending, and a good penis or fart joke.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Not going to lie, I wet myself
June 17th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Sounds like something a bored teenager would do, but with less satire and not to mention, taste.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:03 am
good stuff.
Love how the commenters are either sucking his nuts about how good it is. or sucking his ass for how bad it is. It’s all about the feedback Bucholz
June 17th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Fucking hilarious. I lost it when you told Sharon that it broke off inside your ass, I can’t stop laughing.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Oh…my…god…
I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. That was amazing!
June 17th, 2009 at 9:31 am
[...] times Probably one of the funniest things I have ever read. My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken ‘Comfort Wipe’ | Cracked.com __________________ [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 9:23 am
HOLY HELL!
That was friggin hilarious
June 17th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Good work. Things should not be made without a guarantee that they cannot protect your ass from surly bus driver’s boots.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:28 am
[...] Wipes! Yay! My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken ‘Comfort Wipe’ | Cracked.com __________________ IF I WERE A WHALE I’D EAT [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
OMFG, I JUST READ THIS IT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!
I ALMOST (SO TOTALLY DID)
KIND OF MAYBE (ITS ALL OVER MY SCREEN)
SQUIRT MT. DEW OUT OF MY NOSE.
BRAVO SIR BRAVO
June 17th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Wait, the only thing DoctorChaos could bitch about was the HTML coding you used, and how it made it hard for his old man eyes to read? I. . . I think he’s finally run out of things to whine over! This article truly is the greatest one ever, in that case. Well played, Mr. Bucholz.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:23 am
WHY DID YOU NOT RECORD THAT PHONE CALL???? I will begin placing objects inside my rectum until I receive mp3 recordings of that phone call. DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?????
June 17th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Oddly enjoyable, cheers.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:18 am
funny stuff right there man
June 17th, 2009 at 7:08 am
That. Was. Awesome.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:06 am
This was hillarious. You are both a gentleman and a scholar.
June 17th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Man, that was funny as hell!
June 17th, 2009 at 7:02 am
You’ll find the best selection of hot babies,
sexy singles at the exclusive interracial dating community,
__ www-Black White Date-com ___. Come in and stay a while.
You are guaranteed to find someone you like there.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Did you say you write comedy on the internet? Now that’s a joke right there..
June 17th, 2009 at 6:42 am
I don’t get what everyone is LOL’ing about.. Really not very funny at all. sorry :\
June 17th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Funniest thing I have read in ages. Loved it. Have tears running down my face.
June 17th, 2009 at 6:35 am
I laughed harder at the exchange between Antonio and the Cracked fanboys than I did at the article. Actually, the article made me chuckle a few times at the outrageousness, but it wasn’t terribly funny.
At least it was more of a transcript than an article. Easier to browse through it, and less of a struggle for Chris to compose. Keep trying, Chris. I’m sure you crack your editors up!
June 17th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Voice of Reason,
You missed my actual point, but I at least have to say that you decidedly voiced your opinion and support while observing the flaws of them as well.
That’s much better then most and more reasonable than many.
That alone deserves credit.
-Snowy
P.S. … Nah, not this time…
June 17th, 2009 at 5:38 am
Voice of Reason,
You didn’t get it either. Good job missing the obvious.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have the underside of a bridge to clean.
-Snowy
P.S. I really don’t think anyone really will understand, and I just have to accept it.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:24 am
That was one of the funniest things I have ever read on this site
June 17th, 2009 at 5:15 am
[...] And should you decide to return it click here to read a hilarious convo with a Customer Service Rep. [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Wow, good points indeed!
TY
http://www.privacy-tools.tk
June 17th, 2009 at 3:21 am
i dont think this happend.
sad face.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:07 am
I thought it was pretty funny, all the way through.
Also, ignore Antonio. Just another neckbeard complaining about free stuff.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Though this was amusing, I hope it’s not real. Harassing call center reps to get cheap laughs on the internet is pretty juvenile. That said, it seems pretty obviously fake, so.. whatever.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:26 am
I laughed pretty hard, even though I’ve seen tons of articles like this. Who cares if it’s real or not?
June 17th, 2009 at 1:19 am
Are you fucking kidding me “Comfort Wipe”?
Way to stick it to them Chris, but this product is ridiculous.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:02 am
That was hilarious, one of the best things I’ve ever read on here!
June 17th, 2009 at 12:57 am
That was fucking hilarious. I don’t care what you trolls say.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:46 am
[...] My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken ‘Comfort Wipe’ [...]
June 17th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Snowy’s an obvious troll, Antonio’s correct (although Antonio seemed to be treading dangerously close to calling everyone ’sheeple’ and masturbating to his own individualism).
Just voicing my support for Antonio, because he’s being unfairly rounded on by dicksuckers.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Mr. Bucholz you are far and way the funniest columnist hear. I really enjoyed this (though strangely i’m one of the handful of people who actually enjoys your less popular financial articles and holds them to be pretty much the best work on this site. Would love to see more of those, though i assume the lack of dig will delay your follow up article on the economy until never.)
June 16th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
That was fucking hilarious. Thank you Chris, if this actually happened all the better.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
For the love of god, stop brown-nosing people? Antonio is absolutely correct - this is an unoriginal, unfunny article that doesn’t deserve the now-commonplace praise that Cracked-drivel tends to get these days.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
It’s a sex toy. It’s a sex toy posing as an ass-wiper. Very subtle.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Antonio,
I’ve read many trolls.. and I have to say, this trolling. Just terrible. Really.. I mean, are you even trying? Doctorchaos comes on here every day to describe in laborious detail why every writer on Cracked is just not funny. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t bathe, just sits in his mama’s basement refreshing the Cracked home page breathlessly awaiting his chance to impress us all with his troll-tastic wisdom. And you think you can just waltz on in here, not even realizing Bucholz is a regular columnist, and properly troll? Bah, I say.
I’m disappointed in you. Furthermore, I’m disappointed in your pathetic supporters.. ‘Der.. Antonio.. youz so rite! Bucholz no funniez!’ Just sad, really.
Make a little effort next time, cupcake.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I must admit, this article was the bright spot in an otherwise unremarkable day. Thank you.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Antonio,
Just nevermind. I don’t think you got it.
-Snowy
June 16th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
CSR
Sir, I try to stand as far away from that product as possible.
I’m crying I’m laughing so hard…
Thank you
June 16th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
CSR
Sir, I try to stand as far away from that product as possible.
I’m crying I’m laughing so hard…
Thank you
June 16th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
P.S. I meant to give props before to Dan O’Brien for writing incredible stuff. That’s where my bar is set btw, so go read some of his articles before you try and act like you know what you’re talking about.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Danowar, the only smart thing you said was to call me the fountain of all knowledge- excellent observation btw.
But yeah, since everyone here seems to be an enemy of critical thought, I’ll leave you all to drink shitty beer in your gym shorts and watch american idle, chuckling to yourself about that HILLLLARIOUS Bucholz article you read today.
And no, Dan, it wouldn’t have been funny if it had really happened, I just thought I’d at least give him the benefit of the doubt.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Wow Snowy, where to begin?
How about this: this is a “comments” section where you can “comment” on the corresponding web-article posted. That means either way. It’s not a “Praise” section.
If you don’t like something you SHOULD make a comment on it. It’s called criticism and it fuels progress. Grow a pair you appeasing asshole.
To address the other point I was able to discern on my scan of your drivel: I don’t really take myself that seriously at all, I’m “commenting” on an article in the “comments” section of said article…you’re the one writing a “In Defense of Bucholz” treatsie. I’m posting my opinion (and having a great time doing it!) while you’re busy watching your testicles rocket into your kidneys…oh wait sorry I mean trying to suck Bucholz off.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
“caught up in the high stakes world of telecommerce” That’s too good.
I actually laughed out loud, thank you for this Chris.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I love how everyone takes a joke article so deadly serious. Seriously you guys, who cares? I don’t give a flying fuck about your “in-depth” analyzation (sp?) about why something may or may not be funny. (So wait, it’s only funny if it actually DID happen? Yes, yes of course! It all makes sense now!) You don’t need a fucking flowchart and 20 graphs to explain humor. If you like it, cool. If not, nobody cares about your insignificant opinion. Perhaps instead of spending your time and energy criticizing a COMEDY article that’s SUPPOSED to be weird and stupid, you could do something useful. Maybe spend some time explaining the various ways in which the Harry Potter movies are inaccurate due to their false portrayal of the british educational system. Sounds retarded and pointless enough that you’d be good at it. Or if that isn’t acceptable, I think you’ll figure something out, since you are apparently the fountain from which all knowledge springs.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
[...] Not sure if it is true, or totally made up, but I don’t care. For once, cracked.com made me laugh. [...]
June 16th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
The first one was definitely funny. the second one was pretty good. I stopped laughing during the third one. Regardless of how funny I thought your three conversations were, this product is ridiculous……unless someone physically handicapped gives a testimony of how this has changed their lives. This reminds me of what I’ve asked ever girlfriend.
If I lost the use of my arms, would you wipe my butt for me?
June 16th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Boobs is the only one with some common sense around here.
This site can be extremely intelligent and witty while still being “juvenile”. It’s called “comedy” and “satire” and there is a whole cultural history of how these can be used as a political vehicle and…look somone said they wanted to take a trip to Wikipedia so go check that out and you’ll see why something by Dan O’Brien is “good comedy” and Bucholtz’s shit is…well shit.
I mean, to be honest, I just realized now, in returning to the comments section, that Chris Bucholz is an actual writer for Cracked; I thought maybe he was just some blogger or something. This crap is amateur, and I’m not saying that based on nothing:
As “Mitch Cumstein” nicely put it: “this is a comedy site, who really gives a shit whether its a real story or not.”
I don’t, but when that is the whole premise of the “joke” (a prank call) it sort of doesn’t make it comedy anymore, just crap. I mean, artisticly, maybe he could have some lame niche of contrived crank calls…. if this was actually funny…but it’s not.
Also, you morons sound like American versions of the proles from “1984″:
“[Derrrr] I laughed when he hung up after getting Marci a second time. [Hyuck!] God speed christopher buchlolz!”
June 16th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Wow, I just wrote what I read… I sound retarded.
I need to stop drinking so much if I’m going to be around devices capable of broadcasting my thoughts…
-Snowy
June 16th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Wow, people take themselves way too seriously on the internet.
I’ve got an idea, if you don’t like something: Shut the fuck up.
If you do like something: Compliment it.
If you feel it is illegal or effects you: Take the necessary route to dealing with it. Bitching about it on the internet doesn’t do shit except prove to people that you can’t figure out basic communication skills or use logic.
I’m sick of all you retards writing about how something is immature on the website propagating said material. Do you realize how fucking stupid that is? That’s like going to a church to bitch about religion. Fun, you can stir up some shit, but ultimately you’re the one that looks like a dumbass.
Now to everyone else, this is going to be tough, but when someone writes something about how this kind of thing is childish or that a game you love is stupid on the games website… IGNORE THEM. Seriously. They only do it to feed off the ill will they create. Trust me. I’ve done my fair share of fucking with people over the years and it’s only enjoyable when they bitch about it. If they don’t pay attention or ignore it, well it’s masturbating and stopping before you cum. Can be interesting, but the ultimate pay off is gone.
So in summation: Ignore people like this Antonio. He’s just doing it to fuck with you. Or he’s soldiering against an article of what he’s decided is poor taste in the wrong arena.
Basically he’s trying to invade China by sending his troops to Brazil.
-Snowy
P.S. Mr. Bucholz, I laughed so hard my testicles rescinded back into my pelvis with enough force to knock the wind out of me for a few minutes. Good job.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
Hey Antonio.
Your mother’s a whore. And your name sounds gay. Suck my dick. And I’m completely aware of my hypocrisy you jackass!
P.S.
Fuck you.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
this is really stupid dude
June 16th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I agree with Antonio. This sucked after a point, though the beginning and idea were good. It got old and tedious after the first “hangup”.
PhatTiger says: “this is Cracked… it supposed to be juvenile that’s why its funny you dick.”
I’m a regular reader of this website, and I’ve seen a lot of funny stuff. The last 3/4 of this, though, was nothing more than a fart joke. You know who makes a living on fart jokes? Larry the cable guy. Do you love Larry? Cause you sound like you do. Which is why you disgust me.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
“I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.”
I guffawed.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
very very funny ..
June 16th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Wow Antonio I didn’t think it was possible to project douche onto a comment but you did it congratulations you broken the human electronic barrier and for this you will go down in history as the man who can’t appreciate a little humor. Good job and take you’re own advice and go play in the sandbox. Also your trying to say whats funny and whats not last time i checked this is Cracked… it supposed to be juvenile that’s why its funny you dick.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I laughed when he hung up after getting Marci a second time. God speed christopher buchlolz!
June 16th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Antonio you really need to just relax a bit, this is a comedy site, who really gives a shit whether its a real story or not. I for one found it entertaining and humorous, if I wanted a factual history lesson or political commentary I’ll surf over to Wikipedia. Do you really think anyone at Cracked is going to read your comments and think “oh shit this guys on to us”? Your comments suck, which I’m assuming goes the same for your life and lack of friends.
Actually “look it’s not real ok sport? Just go strap on your bicycle helmet and play in the sandbox.” That was pretty funny but the rest was just a flaming flame of flameness.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
@Antonio
Thank god you’re here, otherwise somebody might have thought they just read something funny. How can we ever repay you for your never-ending vigilance against humor here in the comments section?
June 16th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
PS (To turtleman)
….besides the fact that Chris’s writing sucks, if he had really called them, then he wouldn’t have “written” anything, it would just be a transcription of his…*sigh*….look it’s not real ok sport? Just go strap on your bicycle helmet and play in the sandbox.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Well after looking at the comments section, I’ve figured out where all the retards on the internet go to get their ha-has.
Seriously Chris, if I remember correctly and you are also the author of the other posts I’ve seen in this fake-phone-convo style, you really need to give it a rest. I mean either way, even if this were your first article (which, unfortunatley, I’ve noticed it’s definitely not) you are a terrible writer and should seriously consider taking some classes at a community college.
The reason that the kind of exchanges you create in your articles are funny in the real world is because THEY ACTUALLY HAPPEN. You are sort of missing that element here and joing that with your corny jokes and writing that has no end really creates a reading experience that is somewhere between scratching nails on a chalkboard and having Mike Tyson warm up on my scrotum.
Here, just to maybe give you some feedback you can work with, here is how my experience with your article went:
…Haha “Comfort Wipe”?..Gross!…Haha ok so this guy calls up the store..
…Haha..pretty funny….
..Ok… kind of lame but we’re wrapping up here…here comes the punch line…
….Uh four people work there? I don’t get it…..what does that have to do with..oh there’s more….oh..:OH SHIT..:IS THIS ANOTHER ONE OF THESE FAKE TELEPHONE ARTICLES??? GOD DAMNIT!..HOW LONG IS THIS SHIT???
JESUST CHRIST!@$”!”£!
I don’t know what it says about your fanbase, who are left scratching their heads to figure out the veracity of your opus here, when you have gems like these:
CSR
You’re going to stick a never-ending stream of things up your ass because you want your 20 bucks refunded? Are you insane?
CALLER
I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.
………..
# DH Says:
June 16th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I’m in pain from laughter! This is definitely not fictional?
# Turtleman Says:
June 16th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
That is some A+ writing, Did you really call them? I would love to hear the recording.
…………….
God save us all.
Oh yeah, and Chris, you suck.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
“I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.”
The rest was awesome, but this part got a pretty big laugh out of me. Well played.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Much like the rest I was laughing out loud
June 16th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I’m in pain from laughter! This is definitely not fictional?
June 16th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
That is some A+ writing, Did you really call them? I would love to hear the recording.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
this is imo one of the best articles in this site……. ever.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
“It’s a Snuggie for your butt!” Pure logic.
win bucholz.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Oh my god, That was absolutely amazing! Especially the manager! Oh my god, post a warning if you ever decide to call Sprint!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Actually laughing out load, and my wife is giving me a strange look. Thank you sir for making this a glorious day.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
FANTASTIC
June 16th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
LOL XD…That was funny :P. Especially how the manager answered the phone rofl…Can’t imagine how many people would like to answer the phone that way irl.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Pure comedy GOLD.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
“After I fell down, one guy put one of the pieces in my mouth, but that’s it!”
Comedy gold
June 16th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
NICE! A+
June 16th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Aahahahah that was awesome! I lol’d out loud on that one!
June 16th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
“Hello sir? This is Michael, the manager here. I understand you have something up your ass?”
From now on, I’m answering all of my calls at work the way Michael did.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
It disturbs me to think I’ll have this entire dialogue going through my head the next time I watch Pitchmen.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Man, this is fucking good. I lol’d HARD. On the snugie line I had to leave the room. And now I have to pee.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Is he the guy who’s hooking up with hot models on
___TallMingle Co m___ ? actually there’re lots sexy people there, Online chat, blogs, forums, flirtation and messages! Start an May-December romance just a click away! Whether for heat or passion, you are gonna be surprised what you might be end with!!LOL
June 16th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
hooray for maing laugh out loud and disturbing all the poeple studying around me. Heh. suckers. I’ve finished my exams! WHOOOOO
sorry, was irrelevant. I’m just happy. And hapier from reading the article.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Wow, that wasthe funniest thing I’ve read a while. I couldn’t stop laughing. Especialy the Nazi Germany part, haha. A+!!
June 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I can’t think of anything to say other then, well… Brilliant!
That is all I can think of that doesn’t put a mark of shame into this.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
“My comfort wipe broke off inside my ass” had me in stitches! Brilliant work!
June 16th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Sorry Tae. I fully aknowledge how messed up American English is.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Hilarious, I didn’t know the Internet could be used for that.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
John, your case would be stronger if it weren’t for the fact that by spelling it “dammit” you are wiping your ass with the English language.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I first saw this product on Consumerist. I’m gonna email them the link to this article. This was HYSTERICAL.
Good job Chris!
June 16th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
ive never seen an ad for this comfort wipe.
June 16th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Damnit Chris, stop spelling dammit with an N. I keep reading dam-nit, and it makes the whole story fall apart. It just crumbles, and I’m left realizing that what was almost gold was ruined by one. damn. letter!
Other than that, though, I enjoy your work immensely. Just stop spelling that word wrong, DAMNIT!
June 16th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
You, sir, are a madman… Kudos.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
The whole part about the bus had me laughing my ass off. Great column!
June 16th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
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June 16th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
As soon as I got to the Steven part, I started laughing, and didn’t stop until the end. Fantastic work, sir.
June 16th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Well…..did you use it or not?
June 16th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Genius, simply genius
June 16th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Five Stars!!
Thank you for the good day I will have.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Hilarious!
June 16th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I love you.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
This was simply brilliant. Thankyou Mr Bucholz.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
That was amazing lol
June 16th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Oh man…
I’m crying over here, this was hilarious! I almost choked twice and I laughed my ass off.
Thank you Chris.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Rubber ducky, you’re the one. You make bathtime so much fun.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Customer service at its finest.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
THIS IS JUST WHAT NAZI GERMANY MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE
June 16th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
So I just watched the Comfort Wipe ad-
What disturbs me is not the mere fact that this thing actually exists, or the number of reasons they gave as to why this thing is the best invention in history since sex with women. What bothers me is the woman about halfway through who plainly stated that she needed someone else to wipe her ass for her until the Comfort Wipe came along and thus restoring her dignity and personal hygene.
June 16th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
OMG….i gotta stop reading this kind of stuff while im at work. Not cause ill get fired (i hate this JOB) but because my coworkers are really becoming concerned about my mental health….what with all the laughing and turning red by myself you know…..and im starting to think they are conspiring to commit me.
if your this funny in real life, please marry me.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Holy hell that was the funniest thing i have ever read . DONGTACULAR!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Dammit Bucholz, you made me cry at work, AGAIN!
Actually, I laughed so hard I think I pooped a little. Man, I wish I had a comfort-wipe to resolve this little dilemma you’ve caused me. You WILL be hearing from my manager. Maybe you know him alreaady, his name is Michael!
June 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
wow, one of the funniest things I have read on this site…wow
June 16th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Bucholz, you’re my most favorite internet comedt writer ever. I think I may have peed my pants reading that.
“I was using it on the bus HAHAHAHAHA
Will you marry me?
June 16th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
“My Comfort Wipe broke off inside my ass.”
“…and now I’m in too deep.”
“I’ve made a horrible mistake here”
Let me rearrange your sentences for you.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I did a very quiet laugh to myself once, but it was still a good read.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
<333
June 16th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“caught up in the high stakes world of telecommerce.” - you mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. very funny piece.
June 16th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
can’t …breathe…laughing too hard… *thud*
June 16th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
for me, ad stuff like this on cracked mostly for the writer. the writer usually has to do something incredibly funny for me to become a regular reader. something like this. Bravo, chris
June 16th, 2009 at 11:55 am
This is a master piece.
Chris you are a gentleman and a scholar
LOL
June 16th, 2009 at 11:54 am
This is a master piece
June 16th, 2009 at 11:47 am
“After all we’ve been through Steven, would I lie to you about ass-play?”
I don’t know why, but…. I could not stop laughing. Great, I am going to read his old stuff now.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:45 am
its titled “FAILED ATTEMPT” because he DID get a refund, but did NOT get to return it
June 16th, 2009 at 11:39 am
My god. That was beautiful. So….beautiful.
The amount of “things being put up my ass” jokes in this piece almost made me gay. Wow. Thank you very much for that lighthearted prance into the world of Comfort Wipes
June 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Maybe they could have Wilford Brimley demonstrate how it works after eating a bowl of his beloved Quaker Oats…
June 16th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Bucholz you asshole
-you made me laugh so hard I slipped and my Comfort Wipe got rammed up my ass…just when I was about to call for a refund!
GOOD SHIT (pun intended) you just made my day
Found this commercial for the unholy gizmo on YouTube, if anyone wants to check it out (guess it works in the shower, too!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM
June 16th, 2009 at 11:36 am
That’s just beyond hilarious.
The only thing about this that still makes me a little confused is who the hell came up with the idea of that product? That has got to be the most absurd, atrociously stupid thing I’ve ever seen.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:28 am
this was great bucholz. Brilliant
June 16th, 2009 at 11:27 am
As much as I love the article I cannont rest without asking, why is this entitled a “Failed attempt” if you did in fact end with a full refund.
A small victory for consumers everywhere, yes small, but a win nonetheless.
I love the part about “I write comedy for the internet…”
Lol, masterful!
June 16th, 2009 at 11:21 am
this article wins the internet today
June 16th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Magnificent
June 16th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Hahahahahaha
June 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
That was just pure brilliance.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site http://tallconnect.com ,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love.
i am wrong.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:58 am
beautiful
June 16th, 2009 at 10:54 am
On the bright side, all of the customer service people seemed really nice. That’s good to hear.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:54 am
fucking brilliant
June 16th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Mind if I re-enact this for my school play?
June 16th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I’ve read Cracked for a while now but this was just the best thing ever! cant… stop… laughing!!!!!!
“Michael, you’re a gentleman and a scholar.”
hahahahahaha
June 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Quite possibly, the greatest thing I’ve ever read.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Bucholz, whatever drugs you’re taking to come up with this shit keep it up . . . . . . Oh and pass some over.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Wow. This seriously happened? That’s just… wow. Some people have a little too much time on their hands. I’m not insulting you. I thought this whole thing was hilarious! This is what happens when people have a lot of time on their hands. They do something like this to entertain the masses! Will you marry me?
June 16th, 2009 at 10:45 am
lol, There’s a comfort wipe ad on the page….
But this was Fucking hilarious!
June 16th, 2009 at 10:44 am
2 Funny! Did he need one after boning Aniston?! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
June 16th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Fantastic. I’d clap if you could hear me. You’re now my second favorite columnist. Right after Swaim.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Curse you and your comedy, sir! I laughed too hard and now i can’t stop the hiccups.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:39 am
i nearly fell out of my chair reading this, this is what comedy is all about.. too funny
June 16th, 2009 at 10:37 am
this is hands down one of the greatest things i’ve ever read, but how is this a failed attempt?
June 16th, 2009 at 10:37 am
HAHAhA!!! hilarious. long time reader- first time comment poster… this Made my day!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Fan-fucking-tastic. Well played Mr. Bucholz, well played indeed.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:27 am
the product itself is so baffling I can’t imagine it, are you expected to just whipe once and stop? If not it doesn’t really resolve the problem of not wanting to touch toilet paper
June 16th, 2009 at 10:23 am
i think i love you.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Buch, you b@stard! I have a medical condition that causes my neck to seize up painfully if I laugh too hard. MY NECK SEIZED UP 11 TIMES THROUGHOUT YOUR ARTICLE!!! Now I have to spend the rest of the day in bed O.D.ing on Oxycontin. When I get well again, I’m gonna start calling the Cracked CSR phone line until I get a complete refund!
June 16th, 2009 at 10:10 am
“ooh what you gonna do?” HA, fucking hilarious.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:07 am
“Otherwise I start talking to your manager and start shipping turds to you.”
That made the article for me
June 16th, 2009 at 10:07 am
If you think that’s funny (it is), go to the comfort wipe website. Never again will you have to hold disgusting toilet paper.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:51 am
NO! it is You Sir who are the gentleman and the scholar
June 16th, 2009 at 9:41 am
“Hello sir? This is Michael, the manager here. I understand you have something up your ass?”
*Bows to Chris Bucholz*
June 16th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I forgot that it was possible to laugh this hard at an article.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:37 am
work of art!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 9:37 am
That’s how you get service. Hilarious.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I laughed so fucking hard milk shot out my ass!
June 16th, 2009 at 9:32 am
You are a true gentleman and comedian, sir.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I personally am quite impressed with DoctorChaos. He’s sticking to his theme even though it’s fairly obvious he enjoyed the article. I mean when all you can come up with is “bold letters” it almost seems like the opposite of a backhanded compliment (forehanded criticism?)
June 16th, 2009 at 9:32 am
cocktaculair XD
June 16th, 2009 at 9:30 am
I can totally relate, Bucholz. I’m always having awkward conversations with people over the phone about this sort of thing. 911 operators, hospitals, tech support, poison control. They’re always demanding to know why I have shoved the item I’m calling about up my ass, but never giving me straightforward, helpful answers. It’s quite frustrating.
“How’d you get the mouseball stuck in your ass, sir? Does the gerbil have any sort of past medical conditions, sir?” So fucking annoying.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:28 am
awesome!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 9:27 am
That was beautiful, man.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:27 am
…..well, this is just straight up brilliance. I tip my hat to you, sir.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:23 am
oh yeah, and chaos, if he has a ‘B+ in the FAIL! exam,’ what’s the passing thing, F or A? lol, that threw me completely off
June 16th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Oh god. Thank you so, so very much.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:21 am
oh forget Dr. Chaos. Just think of the moral and mental ramifications of dealing with him on a daily basis. That alone is more terrifying than what’s he’s attempting to do by trying to desecrate Cracked.com, which i deemed long ago a purely holy area. of laughter, and dick jokes.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am
this is great. i like this. i like when our columnists write more than lists.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:09 am
How can this be the biggest advancement since the 1880s? This is ancient technology - the Romans were using with a sponge it in their bathhouses thousands of years ago. Hell, Seneca even wrote about it.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Dongwesome!
June 16th, 2009 at 9:02 am
My boss now thinks I am utterly insane, due to all the sudden outbursts of laughter coming from my office.
Also, my keyboard may fail at any moment because of the mouthful of water I spewed all over it. Chris, you sir owe me a keyboard.
Perhaps I can call Dell and tell them what happened, what I was reading, and if I am lucky, get a refund.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:00 am
That was incredibly awesome.
June 16th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Completely off topic…..
DoctorChaos is still going? I’m amazed. That’s like…….wow. How inconsequential to the universe do you have to be to keep trolling months after you’ve been acknowledged? And gay jokes? Wow, height of comedy. Give him a column please.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Has it come to this, America? You now “need” a stick to help wipe your ass?
June 16th, 2009 at 8:54 am
like collegehumor’s ruin a poll:
vote for “star wars characters” so douchebag frat guys have to do a countdown on lame stuff!
http://frattinghard.com
June 16th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Good work
June 16th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Damnit, what did I JUST tell you?
hahaha, Bucholz, you never disappoint sir!
June 16th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Beautiful, just beautiful!
June 16th, 2009 at 8:48 am
i laughed out loudz all over the place
June 16th, 2009 at 8:47 am
I love you.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Hahahahahaha, looove it! good job
This is what I come to cracked.com for, not a bunch of diatribe about politics.
Let them know, Bucholz, let them know hilarious items are appreciated!
June 16th, 2009 at 8:44 am
F**king hilarious! I can’t breathe, laughing too hard.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Now that is solid gold comedy!!
June 16th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I laughed so hard.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I’m suing, the laughter actually hurt.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Oh. My. God. That was HILARIOUS! Keep up the good work
June 16th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Wonderful. It was just so well played out and surprising I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I think you’re slowly becoming my favourite…(this is where I say I want your babies right?)
June 16th, 2009 at 8:20 am
i should try this strategy when i don’t like mcdonalds food…
June 16th, 2009 at 8:19 am
me thinks the handle should point in the opposite direction for this thing to be ‘anatomically designed’.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Dr Chaos is nothing but a troll. That was a funny article Chris.
“What I need Sharon, is a refund.”
ha
June 16th, 2009 at 8:16 am
thank you Chris
June 16th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Wow Chris you’re amazing, a true comedic genius, you had me in absolute stitches…laughed til I cried my eyes out. Brilliant!
June 16th, 2009 at 8:10 am
You know, Bucholz, you’re alright.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:00 am
im in tears, real tears, HILARIOUS!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Sticking-things-up-ass strategy = go
June 16th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Doctorchaos’ writing smells like cheesy farts.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:51 am
No, Mister Bucholz, YOU are a scholar and a gentleman.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I lol’d!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:42 am
DID YOU GET IT? DO YOU HAVE IT YET? Bucholz, I don’t care if you’re lying to me or not, but don’t say you actually managed to get a refund out of these guys if you’re just pretending. ;_; My heart can’t take that.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:37 am
That’s what I do too Waditis, is that so wrong?
June 16th, 2009 at 7:34 am
I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:34 am
That was educational. I might try your strategy someday…
June 16th, 2009 at 7:31 am
I was thinking about buying one of these, but now I have a better idea! Go to tallconnect.com and specifically request Comfort Wipe fetishes!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:27 am
I’m convinced that DoctorChaos is attempting to garner some attention to what he considers his “humorous” writing. Perhaps hoping that someone at Cracked will notice and think, “LULZ this guy is pretty funny, we should hire him!”.
Unfortunately he doesn’t realize that nothing he writes is funny, and that isn’t even close to the proper venue or means to go about securing a job.
I give your “witty” reviews of articles D- and your trolling attempt a solid F.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Steve was my favourite… just the right balance between maintaining normality, and playing along with your shenanigans. You should call back to say they should pay Steve more.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Way to win one for the little “big guys”!
I had to read in spurts. I couldn’t stop laughing, which led me to not breathing. There should be a warning on this article!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Dongtacular!
June 16th, 2009 at 7:11 am
LOL… I just read this news on some tall interesting place called: http://tallconnect.com the most popular place for h ot mo dels, handsome men me et and mi ngle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL
June 16th, 2009 at 7:09 am
Do I understand this right? It’s a stick to wipe your ass with?
You know, I’m not exactly the thinnest guy in the world, but I honestly can’t think of any excuse that someone would be so pathetically lazy that they would need a stick to wipe their ass with.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:07 am
MEH.
The first call was enough, anything after that was unnecessary. Also, it would have been much better to have had “Caller” and “CSR” in bold type, or a different colour, so as to make it much easier to read overall, and easier to tell who was supposedly talking (cos it’s obviously all made up).
It seems like you had an idea, then rushed out an article to support that idea, before realising that idea was as good as a penthouse magazine in gaystones bathroom (ZING!). Then you started scrambling and finally just fucked it all up and ended with a pretty piss poor final result.
You get a B+ in your FAIL! exam.
June 16th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Thanks for the near heart attack, Bucholz.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:58 am
“I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.”
and
“Hello sir? This is Michael, the manager here. I understand you have something up your ass?”
made me laugh so freaking hard.
Oh, and I checked out the link, and if this IS an actual product, it’s safe to say the universe is due to end in the next five minutes.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Great, Bucholz. Just great. Now you force me to try to get something published on Cracked just so I can yell “I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET!” in answer to every question.
Thanks a lot.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:47 am
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June 16th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Very nice.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Oh god this is the first time on this site I laughed so hard
June 16th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Oh man, that had me in tears! Well played, sir.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:40 am
I lol-ed. =)
June 16th, 2009 at 6:34 am
“nary a peep from any of my orifices” - This made me crack-up!
June 16th, 2009 at 6:30 am
That was pure genius. Loved the way it almost sounded like a real CSR call at first and just started to escalate from there.”Well this puts us in a bit of a pickle, doesn’t it?” rang particularly true.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:29 am
LMFAO…pun fully intended
And thanks for the coffee streaming from my nose.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Funny
June 16th, 2009 at 6:26 am
FUCKING. AWESOME. I work in a call center, and that made my fucking day.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:22 am
You should be glad the manager gave you the refund. The fourth telemarketer was a serial killer, his preferred method of murder was over the phone hypnosis.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:16 am
oh god i laughed so hard.
yes, epic is the word.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:15 am
This is the first thing that has made me laugh out loud on Cracked in months. Oh my God, my sides still hurt! Nice job!!!
June 16th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Poor telephone receptionists.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:09 am
That was awesome. Why can’t DOB head over to Bucholz’s office and drink some of the Epic Win he puts in his coffee. Maybe DOB wouldn’t suck so bad afterwards….
June 16th, 2009 at 6:08 am
This was very “anus”.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:08 am
That… was epic.
June 16th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Mr. Bucholz you are a gentleman and a scholar. Great article. Nothing like reading about mechanical ass wipers while in your biblical scriptures class
June 16th, 2009 at 5:52 am
And that boys and girls is what caused the death of the telemarketing community.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Did this really happen? And if it did, did they refund you for something you didn’t buy?
June 16th, 2009 at 5:23 am
Now this was GOOD
Thank you Mr. Bucholz.
June 16th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Holy shit, first Gladstone’s Goatse, now Chris… if only the main article had a “Build your own bidet” section then cracked would be totally anal today :D!
June 16th, 2009 at 4:54 am
Wow, just wow. . .
June 16th, 2009 at 4:31 am
first!