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Brawlin' Baldwins

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The Baldwin brothers---Crimey, Lefty, Christ-y and Chinbutt, from left to right---are of course widely respected for their excellence in squinting, screaming, preaching, and occasionally acting. But new revelations suggest the fearsome foursome shares at least one other true talent: a world-class aptitude for domestic violence. As ChinbuttChrist-y "Stephen" told reporters recently:

We were going at it in the kitchen and my mother was making some food. My brother Daniel, he grabbed me by my hair and started slamming my head into the (oven) flame. My mother got caught in the fracas and she caught one (thump), and her bridge and a couple of her teeth got knocked out. She didn't really get hit with a punch; Daniel wouldn't let go of my hair and I was getting too close to the flames, so my mother bit his hand and bit him so hard it started to break his skin, so he pulled his hand away and her bridge went flying and a couple of her teeth got pulled out with it.

The brothers seem to be taking their traumatic memories in stride, however; when asked what the family called this incredible whirlwind of chaos and violence, Baldwin is rumored to have replied, "The Aristocrats!"

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