Let me tell you, children, of a time before CG and greenscreens. Days of yore when Speed Racer was a halting, two-dimensional imbecile and Transformers moved their mouths to speak only when absolutely necessary.
In those days, if you wanted some dimensionality in your fantasy, there was only one crazy mother who could hook you up, and if you were lucky, he would stick his hand up something’s ass for your amusement. I’m talking Jim fucking Henson.
Henson knew where it was at. He knew we didn’t want fantastical creatures who couldn’t exist off of a sheet of paper. We wanted REAL fantastical creatures, ones fashioned out of old socks and ping pong balls sawed in half.
And while the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal may pale in comparison to today’s Captain Barbosas and Michael Claytons, they were once the undisputed kings of terrorizing small children.
Which is why I am super-jazzed to let you all know that a live action Fraggle Rock movie is fast approaching theatres. So do like I did and Wikipedia it to remind yourself of the character names, then prepare for a blast of nostalgic epiphany so powerful you may well uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse. Then do the same thing with The Snorks. I know, right?!
The only possible snag I can see is that Ahmet Zappa is signed on as Executive Producer, so there’s a slim chance that Gobo will die of a cocaine overdose and Boober will be into watersports. But on the plus side, he probably can’t give any new characters names more ridiculous than are already in the film. Moonunit Fraggle kind of has a ring to it.
But frankly, I don’t care if the movie is just two Doozers discoursing on the tragedy of Darfur; I’m going to be buying a ticket. That’s how badly I miss Jim Henson movies.
And to those cynics still wowed by slick computer graphics, let me put the question: Can you touch a computer-generated image? Can you hug a bunch of polygons? Can you run away from home, take the wrong bus out of the city, get your money stolen by a homeless man and have to make your way back by taking a ride from a wild-eyed trucker because you thought you were going to get to live with bump-mapped 3D models?
I think not.
And while I’m still holding out for a full-blown return to puppetry (up to and including the production of Labyrinth 2: Hoggle and The Enchanted Codpiece), this movie should help sate my felt fetish for the time being. And whenever I need a quick fix, I can always load up the old Youtube and see what bizarre remixes of the intro are floating around this week.
God bless the Internet.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael consults with Marjory the trash heap as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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June 16th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I know they’re not exactly puppets. So what. They sure as hell aren’t CGI.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Do you ever wonder what would happen under…under the umbrella tree.
Now I’ll be singing that all fucking day.
Wait, the Fraggle Rock theme could save me if I could remember the words and not just the tune.
I remmeber all these but lets not forget to go a little farther back in time to HR Puffnstuff. Smoking weed is right there in the name of the show. Lets’ see Dora and Diego top that. (don’t even go there)
May 18th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Oh, God, I fucking loved Fraggle Rock. I can’t wait for this movie to come out. Sigghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
May 16th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Swaim you are my hero but the snorks are fucking gay
May 16th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Ahmet is doing a Fraggle Rock movie? I foresee Boober getting some friends named Koocher and Snatcher. Can’t wait!
I actually don’t remember much of Fraggle Rock. The only Jim Henson stuff I was into was Sesame Street, everything else he did creeped me out. In a good way though because his creations were just that real to me. The man did amazing work.
Also, the only Muppet rip-off I remember from my childhood is Eureeka’s Castle. I show which, thanks to Kelly Bundy, I would affectionately call Urethra’s Castle (much to my mother’s horror).
May 16th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
CGI puppet? Yoda?
May 16th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
So long as they don’t make CGI Puppets, the world will be safe from God’s wrath. Can you imagine that? CGI Puppets?
May 16th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I would watch that movie.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:55 am
@DOB
Yeah kermit and Rolph drive across the country smoking pot and showing the camera their felt floppy weiners.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:49 am
@Jonathan: http://www.chud.com/articles/articles/13720/1/WHERE-THE-WILD-THINGS-ARE-BEING-COMPLETELY-RESHOT/Page1.html
Well Mr. Gladstone, I guess we’ll have to substitute quality for quantity although I don’t see why we can’t have both. Could it be that you’re one of the rarest of creatures ? A Cracked Blogger who actually has A LIFE ?
May 16th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Swaim, I know you hate (hate hate hate, roar!) Judd Apatow, but his buddy Jason Segel is working on a brand new Muppets movie and I can’t fucking wait.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:24 am
oh man Swaim, that Skeksis reference brought it all back. Excellent
May 16th, 2008 at 10:24 am
My mom hasnt been a cum dump for 2 year 4 months 18 days 4 hours 6 minutes and 46 seconds.
She recylces now.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Thank you for your concern, JT; I can explain. I had to take your mom SOMEWHERE before I used her as a cum dump (I am a gentleman after all); I figured I wouldn’t get recognized there. The books and Fraggle Rock…guilty as charged.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Blast from the past! I miss Fraggle Rock! I’m gonna be waiting for Labyrinth 2. David Bowie + Codpiece = Awesomeness!
May 16th, 2008 at 10:14 am
@ibh,
I’m only posting once a week now. Those Hate By Numbers sure are time-consuming. Look for me this Monday.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:12 am
By the way Swaim, congrats on your win in Cali. Now you and your “puffy lover” Abe can finally tie the knot and quit living in sin.
Where are you two registered?
May 16th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Johnathan I am concerned for you. Two things stand out in your posts, that scream “I’m Gay, slap my ass and call me Susan”
1) you didnt like Fraggle Rock
2) There exists a Center for Puppetry Arts and you’ve been.
3) You read books
May 16th, 2008 at 10:08 am
“…an [open] book…” Bad grammar day. Swaim, I remember that chick who did Lamb Chop as being somewhat disturbing.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Never did get into Fraggle Rock much. I liked the original Muppet Show and the Dark Crystal, though. The Center for Puppetry Arts in Atlanta has one of the Skeksis on display in a glass case; pretty nostalgic.
What’s this about a puppet/CGI version of “Wild Things?” That was one of my favorite books when I was a kid…y’all do remember those things called “books,” right? That might have been the only funny scene in Jim Carrey’s “Cable Guy” when the power went out and that family looked utterly horrified before an book came down out of the sky with Angels singing and shit.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:44 am
I nominate Snuffilufigus
May 16th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Kudos sir ! Along with canophiliac, racist and Cracked.com’s most prolific blogger may we, the Cracked.com commenters, now add “closet-Muppy” to your Biographicon ?
I wonder if this idea wasn’t born so much of nostalgia or purism, but instead the result of the troubles they had combining puppets and CGI in production of “Where the Wild things Are”?
Speaking of prolific bloggery(or lack thereof): Where has Wayne “Jawbreaker” Gladstone gone?
May 16th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Boober is an awesome name. It can oly be topped by the name Tits McGee.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:25 am
9th !!!!!
Eat that shit 10th poster !!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
May 16th, 2008 at 9:22 am
@Jonathan: Thanks for not being that douchebag.
This news of Fraggle Rock just made my Friday.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Swaim: Unfortunately I do remember seeing a few of those UTUT episodes. Shittily produced, awful Henson rip off and those horrible puppet eyes. Christ. Fucking Canadians.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Do you hear of Chinese Earthquake? It is so serious now. I saw some pics and videos about it from http://www.bigblackconnect.com/, I am so sad to it. How should we help them?
May 16th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Does anyone else remember “Under the Umbrella Tree?” It was a Henson rip off on the Disney Channel, I think. Or maybe more of a Lamb Chops rip off, now that I think of it.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:42 am
CGI is nice and all, but I miss puppets in movies!!!
May 16th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Fraggle Rock is amazing. I miss those simpler days of summers that seemed to last years, playing baseball all day until it was too dark and someone got beaned in the head, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday with all the assorted flavors of kool-aid. Oh, yeah!
May 16th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I don’t remember Fraggle Rock, so the only Henson thing I remember is Muppets
May 16th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I’m not going to be the douchebag that says “first.”