I don’t know where BJ The Messenger has been hiding out since 1987, but I think it’s about time he comes out of retirement and single-handedly saves hip hop. Rap has gotten way too ridiculous in the last decade or two, and all this bling-cars-and-bitches shit has got to go. There was a time when hip hop was about the lyrics, about sending a positive message to the community. Now we’ve got dudes ghost riding whips and getting silly and lunatics crankin’ dat all over old ladies on the train. We need a hero to come and save this once-meaningful form of music, and from the looks of him, I think this bafflingly-anonymous middle-aged rapper just might it.
I’ll admit that he’s a little bit hard on the crackheads. I’ve personally woken up with my face stuck to the pillow, my mom has called me an ugly gorilla, and I’ve had people tell me they could smell my body odor through the telephone. Does that make me a crackhead? I’ve been called all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons, but if you’re going to call me a crackhead, it should be because I’m hopelessly addicted to potent, smokable freebase cocaine. Not because I sleep in, not because my mom made fun of me once, and not because of my powerful, wafting body odor.
No - call me a crackhead because I spend every single penny I earn on that sweet, sweet rock.
Anyway, we need to get BJ The Messenger out of retirement, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. To that end, I’ve set up a PayPal fund to take your donations, which I promise will definitely go to BJ and not to my all-consuming crack cocaine habit. Feel free to chip in as much or as little as you want, but anything less than $50 is basically a waste of my time. I mean… his time. You know - because the money will go to BJ The Messenger. Because I know who he is and how to get ahold of him.
Please send me money.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
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- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
November 12th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
g1p8y5faaabx66zx
May 16th, 2008 at 10:23 am
See what happens when you let Mexican Luchadors express themselves through rap?
May 16th, 2008 at 7:52 am
White people did not find this amusing ThingsWhitePeopleHate
May 15th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
And god DAMN y’all for posting that “Hamster Dance” video; that shit’s been in my head ever since. I missed it the first go around; I should’ve known better than to click on it.
May 15th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
That would be hilarious to see him go toe-to-toe with that retarded shower rapper. Throw the autistic kid in the background for good measure…maybe have him on the turntables.
May 15th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Clint Allen: “That guy on the far right…WHAT THE HELL IS ON HIS HEAD? Is that hair?!?”
Now the video did make me dizzy and all, but I am strongly doubting that the ‘dancer’ on the right is male. It just doesn’t fit.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
The retarded dude from Atlanta is a better rapper than BJ, btw.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Well Ross now that I know you’re a crackhead a lot of your posts just aren’t as funny….. just very……. very…… sad. Please for all of our sakes get some help. YOU CAN BEAT THE DEMON ROCK. NICK IS PRAYING FOR YOU.
May 15th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
That guy on the far right…WHAT THE HELL IS ON HIS HEAD? Is that hair?!?
May 15th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Can’t be better than anything that the way i;m feelin right now…. no way, no how….
May 15th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
What would happen if BJ the Messenger got into a rap battle with The Dogs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38_MwcGDNhQ)?
May 15th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Attackhead sme crackheads…
well, at least he is original with his material.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:40 am
hah tomorrow “now” more crack.
best typo ever
and whats with the orange ski mask. unless he’s an oompa loompa.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:35 am
This video got me thinking, maybe crack isn’t so good? Maybe I should quit. I promise tomorrow now more crack.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:13 am
F1RST!