I don’t know if you knew this or not, but real-life supervillain Kim Jong Il imprisoned two American journalists in North Korea and former president Bill Clinton saved the shit out of them. Just strolled into the country like it wasn’t even a thing and walked out with a couple of lady journalists, pausing just briefly when he noticed some dirt on his shoulder that required brushing.
Now, if there’s one thing Hollywood loves, it’s a good biopic. If there’s two things Hollywood loves, it’s a good biopic and something that Hollywood’s already done before. Enter me. I am totally prepared to sell way the hell out and hand over some derivative, piece-of-shit biopic about Clinton’s ridiculous, as-of-now completely mysterious North Korean exploits, completely ready for a Christmas release. My problem, in looking over the facts, is deciding if Clinton is John McClane or James Bond.
This is honestly incredibly difficult for me to do. I have two screenplays about this situation ready to go but I can’t tell which is more appropriate. Is Bill Clinton Bond or Die Hard? In reviewing Clinton’s story as well as both films, the similarities are staggering. I even put together these two charts, to see where the movies and Clinton’s story match up. The charts compare Die Hard: With a Vengeance and any James Bond film with Bill Clinton’s release of the two prisoners (shortened to “Clinton’s Release” in the effort of time-saving).
Now let’s take a look at the Bond comparisons.
See that? What’s a guy supposed to do with that? As Cracked’s Senior Expert on both presidents and Die Hard, the Die Hard-themed screenplay was a fairly easy fit. Bill Hard: With a Vengeance is a solid piece of work with definite sequel possibilities, and the inevitable porno spoof practically writes itself (or, it would write itself if I hadn’t already written it. Hard Bill: With a Penis, comes out in October, all over your face). But, the James Bond-inspired Mission KIMpossible is equally magnificent.
I suppose I’ll just have to release my trailer treatments and hope Paramount or Universal starts pouring money on me for one of them. Or both, really. It could be like Grindhouse, except people will watch it, ideally.
Bill Hard: With a Vengeance [Trailer]
Coming Soon….?
If that doesn’t grab your balls, I’ve also prepared my James Bond-inspired Clinton Biopic…
Bill Clinton is: Misson KIMpossible
Also there’s an explosion.
Coming Soon?!?!
The ball’s in your court, People Who Make Movies. I only take money.
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November 20th, 2009 at 2:11 am
I would absolutely watch BILL HARD…
Plus, it sounds way better than every movie coming soon I know of
November 17th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Hmmm… Tough call, as far as the reasons go I’d say Bond though. The screenplays are both made 100% of win and pwn.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:52 am
D.O.B., you are the John McClain of online comedy. That being said, I’m gonna have to troll like a player-hating bi-otch real quick and point out that the plural of “ninja” is “ninja”. Then again, it’s really just the phonetic English spelling of a Japanese word anyway. So proper pluralization of said word is kind of a moot discussion to begin with. Then why, pray tell, did I bother pointing any of this out? The real question is: Why do you guys allow for a comments section on your site if not to attract the pointless ramblings of desperately bored nutjobs like myself? …Why, indeed.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
DIE HARD!
October 14th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Well done, i didn’t see the die-hard aswell as bond initially, but afterwards found myself leaning towards it.
except the screenplay for bond was better IMO
October 12th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
LMFAO
I loved the reference to Obama as the “reluctant, excitable black side-kick”.
October 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
fucking awesome. Bill Clinton was the shit as president, now hes the shit as expresident-superspy-badass. haha
September 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
According to a day dream I had, Bill Clinton drove a speedboat over the Pacific, did a somersault onto the beach, Jason Bourned 3 German Shepards and a couple of Korean foot soldiers and stole those bitches back in under an hour.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:08 am
“I never even heard of these journalists” A very Biden thing to say lols.
August 30th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Kim Jong Il had already made his point by taking them hostage and holding them for a while. So he turns them over to a liberal stooge so that Americans think their shit doesn’t stink. Haven’t you wondered why the so called “party for the poor man”(democrats) got 100 times the funding last election? Even the left wing media let slip a lot of this cash comes from terrorists like Bill Ayers.
If I was dictator of a country or just had my own terror organization, I too would want a liberal in charge of America. I wouldn’t have a thing to fear as long as they ran things. If America was ticked, all I would have to do is take one american soldier captive, drag him through the streets and make damned sure Time magazine’s camera is in focus to record the whole thing while Wolf Blitzer ran simultaneous commentary on it.
Yeah, I agree the conservatives aren’t much better. Politically, it’s time for a real 3rd party threat to emerge. Will it? No. I’d have a better chance playing pickup sticks with my buttcheeks.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Tramadol…
An interesting post by a bloger made me ……
August 24th, 2009 at 4:12 am
niceeeeeeeee
August 24th, 2009 at 4:12 am
niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
August 21st, 2009 at 9:26 am
[...] Cracked.com asks these questions and delivers some truly hilarious answers in their article on “Bill Cinton’s Bad Ass Quotient” [...]
August 20th, 2009 at 10:50 am
LOL @ Joe Biden.. There’s a subtle reason he’s hidden, isn’t there…. xD
August 20th, 2009 at 7:01 am
You’d have to do somethng about Clinton’s annoying German accent.
August 16th, 2009 at 10:01 am
i vote for hollywood to make the bond version, it has so much more potential (especially since its bill clinton)
August 15th, 2009 at 9:37 am
I agree that it was necessary for the administration to do “something” to get those women out of North Korea, and I disagree with those who want to insult clinton on this, but let’s not make more of this than it is. Clinton used his pull to get two women released, as a way of allowing both sides to save face. Hillary Clinton couldn’t have got the job done, simply because Jong has no respect for her. Obama didn’t want to be the one to look as if he was making concessions to a known evil enemy. The only way this could work was with someone like Bill. I give them all props for being clever.
However, let’s all remember that two female journalists don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, and both sides are showing their cards with their outrage/idolization. The right is proving just how hateful they still are to their political opponents, meanwhile the left is showing how much they can idolize THEIR guy. If Bush or a former Republican had done what Clinton had done, both sides would probably flip flop on their stances.
It mostly reminds me of why I hate the left, overall. They’ll jack someone off if it is THEIR guy, but if it’s the other guy! Look out! FUck that motherfucker! Both sides are terribly transparent and opportunistic. Of course DOB loves HIS guy. But if somebody disagrees with him, he’ll flip out.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
[...] Via Cracked [...]
August 11th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
[...] the real life, pussy whipped, not really bad ass version of John McClane from Die Hard? Cracked has come up with a retarde proof chart for us so we don’t have to hurt ourselves thinking [...]
August 11th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Further cementing DOB’s status as a “hitmaker with a mild dong obsession”. Keep it up, man(If you knwangow what I’m talking about wang.)
August 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Somehow I doubt that DOB doesn’t know what Kim Possible is. Using the title was just a distraction to us all to make us think he didn’t know.
My money is on him having all the DVDs.
August 11th, 2009 at 7:31 am
I’d digg this:
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/08/11/do-you-dig-the-diggable-ads/
August 10th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
That would be AWESOME. Definitely dongtacular.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______MillionaireCupid.org_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
August 10th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
DOB I’d watch any film you made because it would be the best most dongtacular thing ever + boobs
August 10th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Hm… I’d watch it. Also, Kim Jong Il has some stylin shades.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
FinallyNotSomeoneWithTheSameIPaddress:
No, they do not deserve the treatment they would receive in a North Korean prison, or the length of time they would spend there. It’s overkill, emphasize on kill. They would have died there, and the bodies might not be sent home.
August 10th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
The funniest thing about this article? Way up in the beginning… “Enter me.” I just about passed out. Thanks, but no thanks.
the rest was top notch, as well.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:57 am
hilarious, thanks.
check out my picture. I’m going with bond.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I’m going to start stalking DOB now. He’s so dreamy…
August 9th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Most of the anti-Clinton commenters here called him things like “douche” and “pussy”… they might as well have complained about his annoying German accent and his battle with impotence, it couldn’t be more obvious that they don’t actually remember his presidency.
August 9th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
[...] Clinton is for getting those two journalists back from North Korea. gah! love so much!) (also love this thing about whether Bill is more Bond or McClane) (McClane could so kick Bond’s ass any day) [...]
August 9th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
This would also bring up the release of “Barbara vs. Hilary: Two women, one man, a lot of mud.”
August 9th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
yeah kill bill except in the end bill wins with a played out mortal kombat fatality
August 9th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
My vote is for Hard Bill:With a Penis.
August 9th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
FinallyNotSomeoneWithTheSameIPaddress, I would assume less tax dollars was spend on this trip than on your education. Whargarble!
August 9th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
You ought to make a ‘Kill Bill’ movie with Hilary in the lead
August 9th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
FinallyNotSomeoneWithTheSameIPaddress, you think that two journalists who may or may not have crossed a border maybe or maybe not on purpose deserve 12 years in a hellhole concentration camp?
You might say they were reckless (yeah, journalists of the USA should keep the chickenshit, no foreign reporting streak alive!) but to say they deserved it makes you sound like the world’s biggest douche. Please never be in charge of more than a cardboard box.
(And I think I vote for “Billhard”, but it was a tough one. Seriously, I am on hating Clinton sabbatical, because that was good work.)
August 9th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I’m going with McClanton on this one.
August 9th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Yes to Obama/Clinton banter. Just yes.
August 9th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Brilliant man…fucking brilliant!
August 9th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Definitely die hard. You’ve got to have a sassy black sidekick. You’ve just got to.
August 9th, 2009 at 12:06 am
I vote Bill Hard: With A Vengeance. It really did grab my balls.
Mostly because i would FUCKING LOVE to see a cheesy buddy cop movie with witty banter between Obama and Clinton. I have realised my dream.
Rodrigo: We all caught that reference but are polite enough to not mention a quote that has overplayed its hand.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I’m going with Die Hard here, because the first news story I heard made it sound like Bill just happened to be hanging out in North Korea. Yeah, right, but still.
August 8th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Nodoby catched the Pulp Fiction reference? I’m starting to belive I might be older than I thought… or accepted.
August 8th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
KooKooKachoo: like this? “Harrow Birr Crinton, wourd you rike some robster craw?”
Anyways, I think Bill Clinton more closely resembles James Bond, but either movie would be amazing. Great article!
August 8th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I might be in the minority, but those two women deserved their punishment. They crossed the border into N. Korea, a serious crime (unlike America where anyone south of us can cross and get benefits for doing so..sigh…)
Those two women deserve their punishment. I wonder how much of our (those of us who work and don’t live with mom and dad) tax money was spend on this sideshow?
August 8th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I like all the little things i.e. “I only take money” and “Saved the shit out of them”. Keep it up.
August 8th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
What would have made this even funnier is replace all the l’s with r’s when Jong was speaking. Harro Prease!!
August 8th, 2009 at 10:42 am
When I become famous, I will totally think about mentioning this script to a struggling publisher, who’s looking for any movie script to bring him back to the top. And then claim it as my own if it gets famous. However, if it bombs, you can totally take all credit for it!
August 8th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Oh man, that’s the hardest I laughed in a while. It’s a shame that it was just Bill going to go get them because N. Korea thought Al Gore was too whack. I really though Billy just got up and said “Screw it, I’ll save them.” and did it.
THAT would’ve been awesome.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:45 am
“Also, in the butt!” is dongtacular.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Wow, I…just…wow. God, I can’t believe you are all so politically biased. Yeah, like Bill Clinton or any other democrats would actually do something like that. He had nothing to do with it, that’s just the liberal bias in the media putting a spin on the story to make democrats look good. You’re losing all of your precious conservative republican readers with your obvious, unforgivable bias for picking a side I disagree with.
Nah, I’m not being serious. But I would bet this week’s paycheck that SOMEONE in the comments did vomit something as stupid as that from their brain.
August 8th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Great Article DOB!! Super Funny!!! Seanbaby should learn from this one…! keep it up DOB!!
August 8th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Good old Cracked stuff. Here are more fun stuffs, Week’s Most Hilarious Videos 8/3 http://tv1.com/playlists/494
August 8th, 2009 at 12:31 am
The first one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 8th, 2009 at 12:20 am
You are so hot D.O’B.
Please make more videos.
The world wants, nay, requires more insightful humour as narrated by indolent blokes such as youself.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
McClane mother fucker (he has a rocket launcher)
August 7th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
This one was completely epic!!! HOoolyyyy shiiit
August 7th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
I can’t believe that you used a sentence which reads, in its entirety, “Enter me.”
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
The man, whose desk is in the Oval Office, and is one of the most powerful people on the planet, is NOBODY’S sidekick.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I like the Bond one… in the butt!
August 7th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Holy shit a decent article from DOB. nice going. You know i was never a clinton fan but now that obama is in the white house i kind of miss good ol’ bill
August 7th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
hard bill: with a penis
Now that’s a good title
August 7th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I’m with Bill Clinton being more of a Bond.
Clinton doesn’t have the grittiness of McClane.
(A side note: I saw the episode of Family Guy with Clinton in it today)
August 7th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
“hard bill: with a penis”
i am soooooo diggin that!
kudos dude
August 7th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Yeah, the used car salesman from True Lies fits the bill. Especially where he pisses himself and says “I got a little dick!” Bill Clinton has, no doubt, uttered that phrase in his lifetime.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
i so want to see these movies. I say make them both, what an awesome double feature they would make. Great job DOB, an oscar is awaiting you.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
I would have thought Clinton was more like that used-car salesman in “True Lies.”
August 7th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Die Hard, duh.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
[...] Re: Bill Clinton is the man. So far, the best analysis of Clinton’s Korean adventure: Bill Clinton’s Badass Equivalent: Bond or McClane? | Cracked.com [...]
August 7th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
RABBLE RABBLE politics RABBLE RABBLE liberals RABBLE RABBLE conservatives RABBLE RABBLE Clinton is a douche RABBLE RABBLE Bush is an asshole RABBLE RABBLE!!!
August 7th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
It’s neither, I agree with Jon Stewart. Clinton is pure Shaft!
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-august-5-2009/william-jefferson-airplane
*points out Jon’s little dance to the theme song*
Bill is one bad mother** shut your mouth! I’m just talking about Bill Well we can dig it.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
“C” Bill Clinton is a f–king douche
August 7th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
where is swain?
August 7th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
This article is full of win. Made me laugh out loud.
August 7th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to compare Kim Jong Il to Nick-Nack?
August 7th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
This project HAS to get done! Half the dialogue is already written. Outstanding atricle!
August 7th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Yasmine, Doombot, and the rest of you who still think he actually went there to negotiate or have anything to do with the release other than make an appearance: Hello? Is anyone home? Nevermind. The lights aren’t even on.
Funny funny FICTION article! Very funny, DOB, as always. But it disturbs me how retarded most of your fans are. You deserve better.
August 7th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Was Kim Jong-Il channelling The Thing from Twisted Toyfare Theater with all that “Haw!”ing? Cause if so…I LIKE IT!
Also: “There’s still a fucking bomb” is going to be the new summer catchphrase. Catch it! It’s a phrase!
August 7th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Euna Lee/Laura Ling (The journalists mentioned above) work/ed for “Current TV” as part of their popular “Vanguard” segment.
I realize they’re lesser known, but in my opinion, the question mark you put after “best” doesn’t belong there. Current has an unusual format that can be addicting. I’ve spent literally hours watching their segments.
August 7th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
This was magic, sir, pure magic.
I say, why must we choose? Let’s have them both,
a la “Infamous” and “Capote.”
August 7th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Holy Hagen Daas, that was the funniest shit I have read in a while. I literally laughed out loud. A rare feat :p
I can totally see this becoming a spoof in a sketch comedy routine.
August 7th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I’d buy tickets to see either of those movies.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
excellent. dongtacular. fine work, sir.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Thats pretty damn funny.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Wow Yasmine you might have to calm this one down a little bit I think DOB might have just been writing one of the funniest articles I have seen in a while.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
fucking awesome!I’m going to the midnight showings for both of those flicks!
Hollywood!Give DOB money so I can do that!
August 7th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Holy Fuck! This is the best thing I’ve read on here in a very long time! DOB FTW!
August 7th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Booya and the rest of you aholes, real life is not like a movie. Clinton went to N. Korea and helped free those journalists along with the Obama administration. Thats how to take care of shit. Not by pretending to be some badass in a pilots uniform waving around his dick declaring that we won when we never did. All you stupid repugs and conservatives pretend as if everything is a die hard movie, thats why you fuck everything up. MORONS.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
hmm bad thing is, both appear to be better scripts then what we currently are seeing coming out of Hollywood
August 7th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
die hard 3 my favourite bruce willis movie.
again, very good DOBya
August 7th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Jesus fucking Christ on a stick. This is why you are the best thing Cracked has going for it, DOB. Now if I could just get myself to stop reading your columns at work. I know it’s casual Friday, but pissing in my relaxed-fit khakis while giggling uncontrollably is just stupid.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Goddamn funny, regardless of your political leanings.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
weres swaim?
August 7th, 2009 at 11:53 am
When I heard about this, I thought of Iron Man actually. That scene where he gets tired of being a joke and flies out to Afghanistan to kick some terrorist ass because he “now knows what he’s got to do.”
August 7th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Excellent Photoshop work. I loved the entire thing.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:52 am
DOB = <3
August 7th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Die hard, or James Bond?
Die Hard? James Bond?
With A Vengeance? or Goldfinger?
Choices, choices…
August 7th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Man on man!! This is Classic! I have to go with Die Hard Bill. The Northern Korea thing was sooooo badass!! He was lacking excessive blood and injuries though!!
August 7th, 2009 at 11:35 am
I love the Biden quote “I’ve never even heard of these journalists.”
Nice touch!
August 7th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Graphs were gold. Trailers were gold. Someone fund these dongtacular movies.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:32 am
fucking. hilarious.
I was rolling in my chair as soon as I got to “Reluctant, excitable black sidekick.”
August 7th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Bill Hard FTW
August 7th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Absolute gold DOB, you win.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:25 am
10 Twinkie breathing dragons/10!
August 7th, 2009 at 11:22 am
definitely the bond one.
August 7th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I like to hope that Bill Clinton reads this kind of stuff and realizes what a superhero he is.
In the comparisons, I thought the Bond movie was the better idea. I had a quick change of heart upon reading the Bill Hard trailer.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I give this article four Fat Irish Fingers out of five. Well done, DOB!
August 7th, 2009 at 10:28 am
WJC and DOB rock, the rest of you are fat and gay.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:28 am
This guy does it for me bitches! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
August 7th, 2009 at 10:25 am
This is absolutely the most hilarious thing I have ever seen in my life! “I just headbutten my balls” is the most fantastic line!
Definitely a question that will be pondered for a long time until Hollywood makes the decision and gives over the big bucks!
August 7th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Clinton:Carter :: Dalton:Connery
August 7th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Wow, this site is actually coming out with a good amount of decent articles… keep up the good work cracked!!
Also, “thats not in this movie” - clasic
August 7th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Favorite Parts:
“It could be like Grindhouse, except people will watch it, ideally.”
and
“Hey do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France? That’s not this movie…” That made me laugh out loud.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:49 am
It was pretty funny, I guess, but I agree with BooYa. Calling Clinton a badass is a bit of a stretch, considering how he made for a pussy of a president.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:48 am
fucking epic
August 7th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Meh. A sound meh. Bill is always down for a good joke, but I would actually be impressed if he was really packing a gun for the trip.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I think Hard With A Vengeance would be a perfect description of Bill nowadays.
What if you pull a Van Damme and get Bill to portray two different characters? Ask Seanbaby to help you with that,
One could be a womanizer, elegant, fucks-all-the-girls Bill and the other could be some cop with anger management issues, and inspired catchphrases Bill.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I don’t know why they let mindless conservatives comment on articles. They’ve already been told what to like and what to hate by their Overlords; O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, and Limbaugh. The fact of the matter is that Clinton went into North Korea, spoke to their homicidally insane leader and helped free those journalists.
This was gotdamn hilarious whether you liked Bill Clinton or not.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Make those films!
And then localise them to the North Korean language and send ol’ Kim a free copy he would sure like it
August 7th, 2009 at 9:25 am
This was hilarious! I was thinking the same thing myself. I love the journalists as Bond Girls even though it’s terribly politically incorrect.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:25 am
WTF cracked, if u r gonna show a pic of james bond post up a fucking decent one and not that fucktard daniel craig, WTF
August 7th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I dugg it. (Please don’t tell Gladstone.)
August 7th, 2009 at 9:17 am
THIS WAS FUCKING INCREDIBLE. I was laughing the entire time and I heard everything in their (and Team America’s) voices. Amazing work, DOB!
@Booya
Stop ruining the magic.
August 7th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Why am I not surprised that Cracked is supporting Liberals and Democrats. Bill Clinton sucks and I agree with BooYa!
August 7th, 2009 at 9:10 am
This was freakin hilarious
August 7th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Was Bill Clinton wearing a pterodactyl shirt in that one picture? That’s AWESOME!
August 7th, 2009 at 8:48 am
What a difference punctuation can make - when I saw the title for the Die Hard riff, I thought it read “Bill: Hard With a Vengeance.”
August 7th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I kinda agree with BooYa, but the article is still funny as h4, considering how the media seem to b portraying it.
I say flip a coin. Heads, its Bond. tails, it’s Mclaine.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Insanely good
August 7th, 2009 at 8:21 am
truely awesome
August 7th, 2009 at 8:15 am
You’re kidding! You’re comparing a bloated wussy leftist that had a chance to all out wtfpwn countries that were already attacking us with terrorist tactics abroad but didn’t to two characters that knew when to put a bullet in somebody’s skull at the drop of a hat?
No, Billy Boy would have had “peace talks” with the enemy at the White House before he’d grab a gun, dive through glass and throw down.
If he were either Bond or McClane he would have snuck into N. Korea and skull fucked his way through those commies to save those journalists. But that would be politically incorrect wouldn’t it. And somebody’s feelings would be hurt.
August 7th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I fell off my chair laughing at Obama was the “Reluctant, Excitable Black Sidekick”
August 7th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Excelent.. I happen to be a producer…(not the kind you know of)
I’ll have Micheal Bay on this like teenage girls on twilight!!
August 7th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I’m betting that Clinton had both of them in the mile-high club before they even reached the coast of Japan.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Bill Hard look awesome, especially with my love for Clinton.
Both comparison charts were genius
August 7th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Neither one of these are as bad as the straight to dvd sequels of already crappy movies. I’d watch one of these.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Missin KIMPossible is like a parody of both Mission Impossible, James Bond and Kim Possible. I say go with it.
August 7th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Great work.
I prefer the Bond version but I’ll watch them both…
August 7th, 2009 at 7:18 am
DOB seems to have managed to stay sane an entire article
August 7th, 2009 at 7:04 am
no contest, Bill Hard hands down the best. Fantastic article D.O.B.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:59 am
This. Was. Incredible. Inspired work, DOB. Loved the entire thing. I totally dig the Clinton-as-McClane treatment, but the dialogue in the Bond version seems to awesome to not make.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:52 am
“Yippee- Kay- AY- Myfellowamericans”
Made my day.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Before I even read this: Bond. Easily.
Both get Poonie like it’s going out of style.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:43 am
When I read articles like this, I always wonder how the subject of the story would take it…
“Ha ha, I be a bad ass mo’fo’, that’s for sure. But… The hell is this? There were way more asian women than that, DOB! Damn you, DAMN YO- oh, hello, honey. No, not doing anything.” *Click.*
Also, I liked the article. Kick ass.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Well played as usual, Dan.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Kim Jong Il asked for Clinton to come and take them, it was publicity for Jong Il to show that he could call over Americans at his own whim
August 7th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Well played sir, well played.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:28 am
I prefer the Bond one, myself. Awesomeness.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Some great work, right here.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:09 am
‘That’s not this movie.’ Fuckin’ killed me.
I am dead.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Dongtacular! The Bill Hard version makes more sense, since Bill is American.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Kim Jong Il.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Awesome.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:55 am
HILARIOUS
kept hearing “Team America” Ki Jong Il voice threatening Bill. Funny shit, DOB
August 7th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Pretty good, but I think it could use more flow charts.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:48 am
Great as usual. Where the hell do you get those ideas, DOB?!
On second thought… I think I don’t want to know…
August 7th, 2009 at 5:45 am
I would love to watch both of these movies at once.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Why is every offsite pic now the thumb from my bible post? Your Digg icon here, and my Facebook link to the feature this morning only show that pic as an option.
Did I break the internet? God dammit I knew I would do this. All this time hesitantly clicking buttons and just hoping that htmls don’t explode everywhere and now it’s finally happened. Sorry, everybody.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Fuck George Washington. I declare that Bill Clinton is now America’s Founding Father.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Kim Possible’s been done. Disney channel cartoon about a teenage cheerleading kung-fu superspy. With lesbian subtext.
…they should make THAT into a movie dammit.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Very well done. 4/5 stars. (3.5 for Bond version) (I hate Bond movies)
August 7th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Nice ideas DOB. It makes me wonder though…if Die Hard & James Bond are both hits on their own. Then if someone combined the two they could possibly have the greatest movie ever.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Very funny
Keep it up DOB
August 7th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Based on true story.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:19 am
This is sheer brilliance. BRILLIANCE I SAY.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:18 am
LOL that was a great write up.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:13 am
This is the best thing I’ve ever seen, and I once saw a Panda eat it’s own head.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Pretty damn funny! And I’m sure that Bill would LOVE to take the credit, but unfortunately it’s not his to take. The State Dept had been negotiating for weeks. Bill only went to claim the already won prize.
Gogo Bill.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:03 am
It is a testament to Bill Clinton that he flew all the way around the world just to pick up two chicks.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:03 am
a ball ticking 3 out of 7
August 7th, 2009 at 4:58 am
8bithero, you are a jackass. Just thought I’d add that.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:57 am
Super awesomely good
August 7th, 2009 at 4:57 am
dongtacular
August 7th, 2009 at 4:55 am
If Bill Hard were a movie, I would watch it every day… and a studio could make a lot of money of an every-day-watchable movie.
I’m just saying.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:54 am
make em both
August 7th, 2009 at 4:53 am
you missed the “Based on an Actual Event”..
pretty epic though:)
August 7th, 2009 at 4:49 am
DOB, You along with Swaim, are a fucking GENIUS!
August 7th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Magnificent.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Best movie concept ever?
August 7th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Wow, awesome
August 7th, 2009 at 4:13 am
meh.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Many celebrities posted their profiles on a celeb dating site
_______Meet Wealthy com______ _____ . Many persons want to date with those celebrities.