Bill Clinton's Badass Equivalent: Bond or McClane?
I don't know if you knew this or not, but real-life supervillain Kim Jong Il imprisoned two American journalists in North Korea and former president Bill Clinton saved the shit out of them. Just strolled into the country like it wasn't even a thing and walked out with a couple of lady journalists, pausing just briefly when he noticed some dirt on his shoulder that required brushing.
Now, if there's one thing Hollywood loves, it's a good biopic. If there's two things Hollywood loves, it's a good biopic and something that Hollywood's already done before. Enter me. I am totally prepared to sell way the hell out and hand over some derivative, piece-of-shit biopic about Clinton's ridiculous, as-of-now completely mysterious North Korean exploits, completely ready for a Christmas release. My problem, in looking over the facts, is deciding if Clinton is John McClane or James Bond.
This is honestly incredibly difficult for me to do. I have two screenplays about this situation ready to go but I can't tell which is more appropriate. Is Bill Clinton Bond or Die Hard? In reviewing Clinton's story as well as both films, the similarities are staggering. I even put together these two charts, to see where the movies and Clinton's story match up. The charts compare Die Hard: With a Vengeance and any James Bond film with Bill Clinton's release of the two prisoners (shortened to "Clinton's Release" in the effort of time-saving).
Now let's take a look at the Bond comparisons.
See that? What's a guy supposed to do with that? As Cracked's Senior Expert on both presidents and Die Hard, the Die Hard-themed screenplay was a fairly easy fit. Bill Hard: With a Vengeance is a solid piece of work with definite sequel possibilities, and the inevitable porno spoof practically writes itself (or, it would write itself if I hadn't already written it. Hard Bill: With a Penis, comes out in October, all over your face). But, the James Bond-inspired Mission KIMpossible is equally magnificent.
I suppose I'll just have to release my trailer treatments and hope Paramount or Universal starts pouring money on me for one of them. Or both, really. It could be like Grindhouse, except people will watch it, ideally.
Bill Hard: With a Vengeance [Trailer]
Coming Soon....?
If that doesn't grab your balls, I've also prepared my James Bond-inspired Clinton Biopic...
Bill Clinton is: Misson KIMpossible
Also there's an explosion.
Coming Soon?!?!
The ball's in your court, People Who Make Movies. I only take money.
PUNCH?
ReplyThat was brilliant.
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ReplyI would absolutely watch BILL HARD...
ReplyPlus, it sounds way better than every movie coming soon I know of
Hmmm... Tough call, as far as the reasons go I'd say Bond though. The screenplays are both made 100% of win and pwn.
ReplyD.O.B., you are the John McClain of online comedy. That being said, I'm gonna have to troll like a player-hating bi-otch real quick and point out that the plural of "ninja" is "ninja". Then again, it's really just the phonetic English spelling of a Japanese word anyway. So proper pluralization of said word is kind of a moot discussion to begin with. Then why, pray tell, did I bother pointing any of this out? The real question is: Why do you guys allow for a comments section on your site if not to attract the pointless ramblings of desperately bored nutjobs like myself? ...Why, indeed.
ReplySo... you're kind of an asshat, huh?
DIE HARD!
ReplyWell done, i didn't see the die-hard aswell as bond initially, but afterwards found myself leaning towards it.
Replyexcept the screenplay for bond was better IMO
LMFAO
ReplyI loved the reference to Obama as the "reluctant, excitable black side-kick".
fucking awesome. Bill Clinton was the shit as president, now hes the shit as expresident-superspy-badass. haha
ReplyAccording to a day dream I had, Bill Clinton drove a speedboat over the Pacific, did a somersault onto the beach, Jason Bourned 3 German Shepards and a couple of Korean foot soldiers and stole those bitches back in under an hour.
Reply"I never even heard of these journalists" A very Biden thing to say lols.
ReplyKim Jong Il had already made his point by taking them hostage and holding them for a while. So he turns them over to a liberal stooge so that Americans think their shit doesn't stink. Haven't you wondered why the so called "party for the poor man"(democrats) got 100 times the funding last election? Even the left wing media let slip a lot of this cash comes from terrorists like Bill Ayers.
ReplyIf I was dictator of a country or just had my own terror organization, I too would want a liberal in charge of America. I wouldn't have a thing to fear as long as they ran things. If America was ticked, all I would have to do is take one american soldier captive, drag him through the streets and make damned sure Time magazine's camera is in focus to record the whole thing while Wolf Blitzer ran simultaneous commentary on it.
Yeah, I agree the conservatives aren't much better. Politically, it's time for a real 3rd party threat to emerge. Will it? No. I'd have a better chance playing pickup sticks with my buttcheeks.
Tramadol...
ReplyAn interesting post by a bloger made me ......
niceeeeeeeee
Replyniceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ReplyLOL @ Joe Biden.. There's a subtle reason he's hidden, isn't there.... xD
ReplyYou'd have to do somethng about Clinton's annoying German accent.
Replyi vote for hollywood to make the bond version, it has so much more potential (especially since its bill clinton)
ReplyI agree that it was necessary for the administration to do "something" to get those women out of North Korea, and I disagree with those who want to insult clinton on this, but let's not make more of this than it is. Clinton used his pull to get two women released, as a way of allowing both sides to save face. Hillary Clinton couldn't have got the job done, simply because Jong has no respect for her. Obama didn't want to be the one to look as if he was making concessions to a known evil enemy. The only way this could work was with someone like Bill. I give them all props for being clever.
ReplyHowever, let's all remember that two female journalists don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world, and both sides are showing their cards with their outrage/idolization. The right is proving just how hateful they still are to their political opponents, meanwhile the left is showing how much they can idolize THEIR guy. If Bush or a former Republican had done what Clinton had done, both sides would probably flip flop on their stances.
It mostly reminds me of why I hate the left, overall. They'll jack someone off if it is THEIR guy, but if it's the other guy! Look out! FUck that motherfucker! Both sides are terribly transparent and opportunistic. Of course DOB loves HIS guy. But if somebody disagrees with him, he'll flip out.
[...] Via Cracked [...]
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