I don't know if you knew this or not, but real-life supervillain Kim Jong Il imprisoned two American journalists in North Korea
and former president Bill Clinton saved the shit out of them.
Just strolled into the country like it wasn't even a thing and walked out with a couple of lady journalists, pausing just briefly when he noticed some dirt on his shoulder that required brushing.
Now, if there's one thing Hollywood loves, it's a good biopic. If there's two
things Hollywood loves, it's a good biopic and something that Hollywood's already done before. Enter me. I am totally prepared to sell way the hell out and hand over some derivative, piece-of-shit biopic about Clinton's ridiculous, as-of-now completely mysterious North Korean exploits, completely ready for a Christmas release. My problem, in looking over the facts, is deciding if Clinton is John McClane or James Bond.
This is honestly incredibly difficult for me to do. I have two screenplays about this situation ready to go
but I can't tell which is more appropriate. Is Bill Clinton Bond or Die Hard
? In reviewing Clinton's story as well as both films, the similarities are staggering.
I even put together these two charts, to see where the movies and Clinton's story match up. The charts compare Die Hard: With a Vengeance
and any James Bond film with Bill Clinton's release of the two prisoners (shortened to "Clinton's Release" in the effort of time-saving).
Now let's take a look at the Bond comparisons.
See that? What's a guy supposed to do with that? As Cracked's Senior Expert on both presidents
and Die Hard
, the Die Hard
-themed screenplay was a fairly easy fit. Bill Hard: With a Vengeance
is a solid piece of work with definite sequel possibilities, and the inevitable porno spoof practically writes itself (or, it would write itself if I hadn't already written it. Hard Bill: With a Penis,
comes out in October, all over your face). But, the James Bond-inspired Mission KIMpossible
is equally magnificent.
I suppose I'll just have to release my trailer treatments and hope Paramount or Universal starts pouring money on me for one of them. Or both, really. It could be like Grindhouse
, except people will watch it, ideally.
Bill Hard: With a Vengeance [Trailer]
If that doesn't grab your balls, I've also prepared my James Bond-inspired Clinton Biopic...
Bill Clinton is: Misson KIMpossible
Also there's an explosion.
The ball's in your court, People Who Make Movies. I only take money.