Advertising scientists have found that the later you stay up to watch TV, the more useless your penis is. Check amongst yourselves. The problem is, late at night is when Bloodsport comes on. And I was raised right, so I watch Bloodsport every day. I’ve seen so many boner pill commercials that I know over 300 coy visual metaphors for putting your dick into women. For example, “Hot dog killing a mannequin.” Less useful than that, I’ve also developed sympathy for the poor Enzyte mascot, Bob. Mangled by pharmaceutical enhancement and hiding behind a grin, he longs for the normal life he can no longer have.
This is his story. In…
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November 14th, 2009 at 4:09 am
Kahahahahahhahahaahahhahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaahhahaahahahahahahhaahhahahahahaahhaahhaahahahahahahahahaha abaababababaahahahhaha
October 9th, 2009 at 7:01 am
i am so glad u have work after EGM went out of buisness. they started sending me Maxim instead wtf that magazine sucks.
September 12th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Well what do you know? Blue comedy is funny again! A few of the speech bubbles just killed me.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
my 1st thought (as i saw the original commercial) seeing his ‘wife’ standing there holding a tray of lemonade? martinis? jonestown koolaid? was that the look on her face was a silent scream of “Oh lord!- not again!- it burns- it buuurrnnns!”
September 4th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Behind The Smile: The Horrible Truth about Bob from Enzyte | Cracked.com…
The terrible life of Smilin’ Bob. He’s not smiling on the inside….
August 28th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Damn it Seanbaby, when you are on, you are ON!! No Jean Claude references though, so there is a slight element of Phil Collins at work here……
August 24th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OH MY FUCKING god that is hilarious and by coincidence I just saw TWO of those commercials back to back this morning. And I wondered why bob’s wife would tell all those other women about his penis and then smile when they all lined up to sit on “chubby” santa’s lap LOL
August 21st, 2009 at 10:19 am
Fabian…
Don’t quite get what this is all about. English not my first language…anyway have a nice Friday :)…
August 20th, 2009 at 9:49 am
This made me think of a time when the government had less control over us.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:55 am
@Geenuh.
Stfu newfag. That shit isn’t even funny on 4chan
August 19th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Seanbaby is probably clinically insane, but he is funny as all hell. Jesus, some of that was inspired.
August 16th, 2009 at 4:53 am
@Geenuh
It’s nine panels. That’s too long for you?
August 14th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
tldr.
August 13th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
holy crap this is freaking hysterical!!!!!!!
August 13th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
sexy girls,rich successful men, search profiles, online chat….
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August 12th, 2009 at 1:19 am
I literally cried with laughter, I had to stop half way or I would have died from asphyxiation.
August 11th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
does your dick speak the same language all the way up? or do you need to hire a sherpa to climb to the front and tell it to pee?
><
August 10th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
I loved it, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that the spam post a few posts down for the “Great Dating Site” Didn’t also make me laugh out of pure coincidental irony.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Damn, that was funny. OH!, and to all the insecure bastards that slammed this article, Learn to take a joke, or im gonna pull that stick out of your ass and beat you to death with it
August 10th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______MillionaireCupid.org_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
August 10th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Seanbaby is a giant douche…. or a turd sandwhich.. whichever you prefer. I’ve had funnier shit come out of my ass.
August 8th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
The real horrible truth about Smilin’ Bob? He’s dead. He was lost at sea on a fishing trip, presumed murder.
August 8th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
lol at some parts
August 7th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Somehow, not dongtacular
August 7th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
cause of death=rofl
August 7th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
HEY MichaelX you ripped that baby’s arm thing off from some stupid knights of the round table movie. plus your cock is
probably tiny
August 7th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
As always Seanbaby’s articles are awesome
August 7th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Seriously? Ummm…that was pretty homo!
August 7th, 2009 at 8:47 am
@Michaelx
That’s not what your wife said last night. Ohhhhhhh SNAP!
August 7th, 2009 at 6:55 am
[...] The Horrible Truth about Bob from Enzyte [...]
August 7th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Envy! I’ll never need any of that shit. I can salute at will, and do, often. Im 57, and my stuff looks like a babys arm, holding an apple. No, really, it’s only 9 3/4 inches, but gets to 10 1/2 on occasion.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Too bad Bob disappeared in a boating accident a few years ago
August 7th, 2009 at 4:55 am
You never disappoint, Seanbaby.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Thats pretty amazing, but it makes sense when you think about it!
RT
http://www.anon-web-tools.net.tc
August 7th, 2009 at 1:30 am
1600 Microsoft Points for free - http://proprizes.com/?r=24604
Really works, thousands of gamers have already received free Microsoft points, and you can also earn Xbox 360 games. Look up proprizes and see that it is legit!
August 7th, 2009 at 12:18 am
Funny … I will upload this to the big&tall dating club ___Tallloving.com___ to share with those hot models and bbws.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
All jokes aside, it’s like a footlong hoagie. When he makes love to you it’s like getting fisted up to the elbow.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time! I really needed that. The comments about the dog were the best! That and the screaming diarrhea.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
it would really suck if u asked ur doctor if u were healthy enough for sex and he said no and that if you did have sex again it would kill you that would be one of the worst days of ur life
August 6th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Sam fuck you, Seanbaby and Swaim are two different styles.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Fuck Swaim. His shit was boring, unoriginal, and completely unfunny. Which is why he’s gone.
Long live Seanbaby!
August 6th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Hey, so I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but if you pause your TV on these commercials at the part where there’s a screen with fingers pointing at the packages of enzyte, and look really close at the fingers the fingers are actually super imposed cocks. I’m 100% serious, by the way.
August 6th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
actually it turns out that the first boner pill factory was closed due to lawsuits concerning the amount of lead in its dick enhancement products, leading to the creation of the current boner pill factory which has the same problem. also i hear people don’t consider having a permanently semi erect, lead filled penis “something pretty amazing.”
August 6th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Awwee c’mon guys … where’s Swaim? This sucks! Why are you fucking with us?
August 6th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
look guys, chill out. Swaim went to that special cracked room, that ross wollinsky got invited to that one time becau… uhoh, this is serious…
August 6th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
More comics Seanbaby! Pretty please!
August 6th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
The last panel could be it’s own comic you know
August 6th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Very Funny, but no Swaim.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
SWAIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 6th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Swaim’s here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/geniuscamp
August 6th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
You forgot to mention the part where the pill doesn’t actually do anything at all.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I used to work for the company that sold Enzyte (not the current company, but the one before it whose CEO is in jail. Long story). It was at a call center and you could always tell when an ad had just aired because the phones lit up.
Saying, “No, this will not make your penis grow permanently larger,” gets old after the dozenth time.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Seanbaby has become my favorite over the past few weeks.
I’m kinda glad Swain got murdered. RIP
August 6th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
This was the original Bob. Guess he was too good-looking to play Bob and got punted. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Stranger things…
August 6th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I never get the commercials, they say to ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex, and I’d have to say any doctor who is actually concerned for someones health would inform them that their dick is doing that for A REASON, its not just being evil to you.
Then again, these commercials are better than freecreditreport ones. Ugh…
August 6th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Lmao, really funny and also much better than last weeks. a real return to form. XD
seriously tho, where is swaim??
August 6th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I MUST KNOW WERE SWAIM IS!!!!!!!!!
August 6th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Anyone else imagine the chipper, whistling music throughout Bob’s day, like in the commericals?
August 6th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
where is swaim?
August 6th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I ALMOST feel sorry for any person suffering Bob’s problems. This is exactly why I will never take enlargement pills. (But seriously, if you can’t get it up on your own, why are you even trying?)
August 6th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
where is swaim?
August 6th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
No, its a Pud-litzer prize, maybe.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I’m generally not a fan of Seanbaby either, but this one was funny.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Enzyte isn’t made by pharmaceutical companies. It’s an herbal supplement, so it doesn’t actually have to prove it does anything for them to sell it. It also can’t claim to do anything directly, and that’s why they have the boner puns. It doesn’t work, and they’ve been sued for hundreds of millions of dollars over this fact. But for some reason they’re still in business.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many wang jokes in one article.. that’s AT LEAST a Pulitzer Prize or Guinness Book of Records honorable mention in my book.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
@Cigar: What do you mean playing WoW takes no skill? Pushing f1 every goddamn time you encounter a monster while trash talking while cybering some fat dude in a night elf avatar while eating cheetos while sobbing while realizing the fact you will die alone… does take some skill.
Also, this comic is gold. Must I assume Giant Dong Comics is the spiritual sequel to Kick To The Groin comics?
August 6th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Wow, I didn’t know good ol’ Bob was in jail. Maybe one of the inmates raping him will mention how Enzyte made his rod big and thick, so he could shove it up Bob’s man-tunnel for maximum rapeage!
Anyway, great stuff as always, Seanbaby. Every article you write is funnier than 99% of everything in existence.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
@willardnation
fuck you .
August 6th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I’m taking Enzyte right now and my penis is mega huge. Sure it gets in the way all the and no girl has a vagina gaping enough for it to fit, but a man’s worth is determined by the size of his penis and my penis says I’m worth more than other guys.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Best part is, the “voice” (narrator) is a guy named David Kaye — who does a lot of voices including Professor Xavier from XMEN EVOLUTION and Soun Tendo from RANMA 1/2. And his friends give him a LOT of grief about this particular gig.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Seanbaby sucks. so very bad.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Meh….wasn’t really funny this time. Maybe a better comic next week
August 6th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I’ve been a fan of SeanBaby since 97, and his stuff just gets better.
I think all the haters in the comments below are still-bitter World of Warcraft players, hating that they were called out in front of a large crowd for being such terribly shitty gamers with no lives and no skill.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
That sucked. Not only are those commercials funny, that just wasn’t funny at all.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:56 am
go fuck yourself seanbaby
August 6th, 2009 at 11:45 am
This is awesome. I don’t think I’ll ever look at Smilin’ Bob the same way again.
I still think you should stick to video game articles, though. Those are by far your best works.
@)—–
August 6th, 2009 at 11:35 am
I always hated those commercials being of the female persuasion, but you made me enjoy them again! Thanks so much, Seanbaby! Keep it Up! HA!!
August 6th, 2009 at 11:34 am
im 12 and wats this
August 6th, 2009 at 11:33 am
As always Seanbaby, brilliantly executed.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:33 am
@Callum
I hate you. That is all.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:17 am
That was funny and all, but honestly, all my favorite Seanbaby’s were the ones about Sims 3, why competitive eating is the worst thing ever, and the worst pieces of advice ever written. All of which weren’t based on a comic-strip format, and they didn’t link you to other videos. This was good, but this style isn’t his forte.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Jesus Christ you’ve bankrupted us. That was like the exhaustive concordance of all the dick jokes anyone will ever make for the rest of human existence. All dick jokes and puns from this point on will be a mere rehashing of what we’ve seen here today.
Thanks, dick.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Jesus holy christ that was dongtacular… I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard at an article not written by Swaim… Keep up the good work SB
August 6th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Seanbaby = sucks
August 6th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I fucking hate these commercials. Come on, I want to watch CSI at two in the morning.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Seanbaby is the master of childish dick joke addled comics. This was stupendous.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Seanbaby doesn’t need IMPROVING. He’s been hilarious since forever.
Like–especially like–today. Awesome job!
August 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Hi, I am a Gay cop in Colorado. I love to spend my time Trolling on FARK. I want to be some studs boy toy. Let me be yours.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:09 am
mehfag
August 6th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Sweet merciful Christ that was good. When they brought back the dog, I fucking lost it and nearly fell off my chair.
Now I have to tell everyone I have allergies when they ask why I’m crying. I gotta stop reading this shit at work.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:53 am
ohh jesus that was hilarioius!
i love the comics
lol i want a Giant Dong Comics Book series to come out!
August 6th, 2009 at 9:49 am
seanbaby is improving…
August 6th, 2009 at 9:35 am
The wife’s hands have to take a cab in order to juggle his balls?!!
Sweet heavens, you are hilarious, Seanbaby!
August 6th, 2009 at 9:31 am
mehfag
August 6th, 2009 at 9:28 am
This was beautiful. I think I shed a tear.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:18 am
mehfag
August 6th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Good to see Bob is having the same problems I am.
August 6th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I remember when I was 10 or 11 I saw the Enzyte ad after the cartoons on Kids WB [a lot]. Who the fuck wants to show kids whatching cartoons an ad about boner pills?
August 6th, 2009 at 8:15 am
“Maybe we’ll get luck and this will spell the end of the Enzyte commercials. Cuz we need to get those things off the air.”
Oh hell yeah. Same goes for the hundreds of boner pills on the market. Extenze, Maxoderm, all that shit. Not to mention that Trojan vibrator.
August 6th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Praise Bob.
August 6th, 2009 at 8:01 am
da blob:
I just read the article: “the scam involved preying on customer’s reluctance to admit that they had ordered the ‘male enhancement’ pills”
It exploited customers shame…
He ripped off Bacon’s idea from “Lock, Stock and two smoking barrels”
I hope he rots in jail! D:<
August 6th, 2009 at 7:37 am
lol zoning
August 6th, 2009 at 6:45 am
By the time I got to the ‘fighter jet’ bit, I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. Hilarious.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:44 am
He’s in prison. http://consumerist.com/5043005/whos-smiling-now-enzyte-scammer-gets-25-years-in-prison
August 6th, 2009 at 6:40 am
poor dude haha
August 6th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Maybe we’ll get luck and this will spell the end of the Enzyte commercials. Cuz we need to get those things off the air.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:27 am
IT BURNSSSS
August 6th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Baaub, that poor son of a bitch. Many a old man feels his pain.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Dongtastic!
August 6th, 2009 at 6:02 am
I always assumed the cracked writers were half-joking when they said that their articles were all dick-jokes.
Kinda infantile, nothing makes me laugh there.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Good stuff! __ http://WealthyCupid.org __ where you can meet the wealthy singles,sexy beauties and even hot celebs .Hook up sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just Sign up and hook up the sexy beauties now!
August 6th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Does that man’s jaw not hurt from all the goddamn smiling he does?
August 6th, 2009 at 5:42 am
those commercials are way creepy.
and this article is very funny.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Dongtackling.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:34 am
So true, if you say what it does you have to list the side-effects which doesn’t make for such a great advert. More to the point, if you say what it does it has to actually do that thing so penis pill advertisers have got nothing to go with but innuendo and customer stupidity.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Can your next article please explain how we can all get a gigantic, hard penis attitude?
August 6th, 2009 at 4:49 am
His smile is unsettling… he looks possessed…. maybe that’s a side effect of the meds…
August 6th, 2009 at 4:48 am
In the next scene, he is hanging everyone in the office to death… at the same time.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:41 am
I never thought about the kind of life he would have to lead after that. lol. Thanks Cracked.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:25 am
awesome.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:25 am
LOL
…god I fucking hate bob.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:21 am
Och, but this is great.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:17 am
man im “up early”, god job, i always knew he was behind 9/11
August 6th, 2009 at 4:07 am
So many dick jokes, so little time….