The beamz™ Music Performance System
If you’re like me, you have vague, completely unfocused musical inclinations. But if you’re like me, you’ve never actually acted on those inclinations and purchased any sort of musical instrument. Maybe you’ve been busy at work. Maybe it’s family stuff: The kids need to be picked up from school and the goddamn wife needs you to stop at the store and buy milk, leaving you wondering, “How do we go through so much fucking milk in this house? It’s like she’s pouring it down the drain or something.” And you’re right about that - she IS pouring it down the drain - but that doesn’t change the fact that you have to stop at the store and pick up the goddamn milk.
Or maybe you’ve never attempted to learn an instrument because you’re too focused on your career. You know - that career that has consumed your entire life but gives you the luxury of being able to buy $600 gadgets at Sharper Image. Well guess what, little buddy?! The beamz™ Music Performance System is a $600 gadget that is going to solve all of your problems (except the erectile dysfunction).
What kind of music are you into? Do you want to be a classically trained violinist? How about a “one-man rock band”? Do you want to “scratch” your favorite pre-programmed hip-hop “beats” like the real “homeboys” do, or would you rather relax in a darkened room full of your favorite Sharper Image products for a moment of “quiet reverie”? Whatever it is, beamz™ has you covered. You know those boring weekends you think to yourself, “I kind of wish I had to go to work so I’d have something to do”? With the beamz™ system you can kiss those goodbye. Just head down to your “studio” in the basement and tell the wife to let you know when dinner’s ready. Then when people call for you, she’ll answer the phone and be like, “He’s down in his man room playing with his beamz™ again. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
And here I was thinking that Sharper Image went bankrupt when all this time l could’ve been down in the basement, playing with my beamz™ and softly weeping.
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January 7th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Joe Cotten doesn’t play Beamz. He plays guitar, keyboard, drums, Soul Calibur, it cool, the fool, hard to get, and by ear. And sometimes bass. He’s awesome, though. Look him up.
October 16th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
…more cowbell! WTF!!!! why was that there, at the end of the video?
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:46 am
Well enjoy your toy, meanwhile I need to go to rehearsals with my band. None of us play a Beamz by the way.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Ha - you all are full is shitz - i bought the beamz and have been playing it for hours. it is a frick’n gas. if you haven’t tried it, you don’t know what it is. all the pissing about everybody plays the same is WRONG WRONG WRONG - every tune can be played a million different ways - and figuring out a few of the tunes and practicing i made things sound much better. my friends came over last night and were all just amazed - and nobody had to wear sunglasses …
and all the diss’n about sound - i guess the video sucked because with my 70 w amplified speakers the sound is KILLER - many of the sounds are sampled or something like that because they sound like the actual instrument - not some cheesy toy.
this is a killer product for anyone who likes music.
Check out this …. I had to learn more about this thing and found this link
http://lspearmanii.multiply.com/video/item/435
these dudes may be grandfathers, but they can kick any of you bloggers asses at music and they were having fun
April 19th, 2008 at 9:50 am
mehh, this blog post was geared towards guys. pissed me off a bit.
April 19th, 2008 at 9:49 am
jesus effing christ. the description of the video on youtube is “Sophisticated high-fidelity sounds seem to pour off your fingertips like magic!”
my urge to punch snakemonster hannah montanna has to just transfered to the makers of beamz.
the vid made me laugh though. especially the musical ‘reverie’ part. the guy is pawing at the air like some sort of demented cat.
“im in mah bassment mackin pritty musicz :D”
April 15th, 2008 at 12:50 am
…nicely done, especially the “be a hero” caption right when Stereotypical Rocker Guy is pretending to play the guitar. I am awed by the thought and plain genius that went into the creation of this video.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
It looks like fun contrary to the whiny fags here.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Reminds my of Fry’s Holophone in Futurama - even sounds suspiciously like it…
April 13th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Damn it, Beamz has just ruined a song I liked: Spaceship Superstar by Prizm. When he mentions his solar powered Laser beam guitar, I thought of Beamz. The song didn’t seem as spacey cool after that.
Beamz is now on “the list.”
April 13th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Oh, god! This is just an expensive and fancy way of triggering pre-recorded and preprogrammed sounds to make it seem as if you’re actually “playing” them. They could set it up so that you could just press buttons on your computer keyboard to do the same thing, and there’s a lot more computer keys than 6. But then of course, you wouldn’t look so dumb doing it, and wouldn’t buy their shiny electronic gizmo.
April 13th, 2008 at 11:52 am
“Make ‘music’ like ‘magic!’”
Oh boy, I’ve always wanted to make something that resembles music, in a way that resembles magic. Awesome. And to think, all that heroism really is is flailing madly in the presence of an expensive toy.
April 13th, 2008 at 2:25 am
Luve him. Once chatted with him on the free and hot millionaire and celeb dating club RichMatchMaki ng.c om…… where lots of hotties and cutties show up everyday
April 11th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
A lot of the demos sounded suspiciously like Phil Collins.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
BE A HERO, MORE COWBELL!!!!!!!
April 11th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
they all look like tools in that video… especially “rocker Beamz” man
April 11th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
You know, Beth, you just gave me a better ad slogan for BEAMZ.
Touch the Beam!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:47 am
That has to be the lamest, most cliche-ridden fucking product demo I’ve EVER seen. They want to sell that crap with that video? It made me hate teh Beamz!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:31 am
CrazyCooter, that was priceless. I’m sure Nick would be proud.
April 11th, 2008 at 9:28 am
If you watch very closely, ladies, at about a minute twenty in sunglasses guy demonstrates why he considers himself to be a generous lover.
April 10th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Oh, i am sorry, wait.. is that the guitar hero guy? Yeah, he is kind of a bitch, sorry to completely go all fucktart on you.
April 10th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Part of me is infuriated because I’ve been playing guitar for 2-3 years now and can’t play most of “Stairway to Heaven”, yet the guy at 1:11 is suddenly a virtuoso. The other part of me wants to buy that thing and spend all day making Aphex Twin-ish beats and sounds.
April 10th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Yes Robb, I was kidding. It was a reference to Cracked Blog legend, Nick. You didn’t really have to swear to God, but I admire your passion, sir.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
They could have sold it under “Magical light music wizard” or “Vulcan lazer audio center” and thus created outcasts among DnD and Star Trek people. A chilling thought. Damn, my written english is deteriorating fast.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
But its sharper image, the same people who buy from sharper image are the guys who buy Shelby Cobra Kit Cars, and think that a Honda is a “hog”, so you have to name it, and wrap in in a way thats lame enough to attract the attention of overly white people, who want to seem hip. When your idea of a hard rock band is white snake, your not going to buy into anything thats super aggressive.
Although , they could have called it the magical power ranger light and sound show, slapped some zordon stickers on it, and sold a billion of the damn things.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I realy doubt that people in the ghetto are buying stuff labeled “ghetto”. I just hate the lazyness seen in Beamz. Realy, they just threw away all market thinking and replaced s with z so to make it look cooler. Damn fucktards.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Ah yes, the ghetto touch. ‘Cuz we all know that everyone in the ghetto is going to stop exchanging food stamps until they save up enough for a 600.00 Beamz machine, right?
April 10th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I fought cowbells where you know, a rack of vaguely bellike wooden things that you hit with sticks VERY FAST and thus get music. Then again, I may be thinking of some folk instrument we have back here.
“be a hero” is the best part, especially when none of the people in the video seem happy or in possession of a soul. It looks like cheap erotica movie, only without the women. See that happy child at 1:50?
I sure hope they didn’t play this on TV. No matter how cool BEAMZ sound (they could’ve named it DA BEAMZ for that ghetto touch) i think people would kill their families to change the channel.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I swear to God i hope your kidding.. Real cowbell? As in the bell, that is worn around a the neck of a cow, and sometimes beaten by drug addicted drums, cowbell? You hit it, with a stick, its as challenging as learning to play recorders in 5th grade. Bells, and phones and all of that were what the kids who sucked at music were put on in high school.. I mean, not to be a dick, but seriously.. I would rather look like a wizard playing music on an upside down step stool, then get to a point where i openly brag about my world shaking cow bell dinging ability.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I think Beamz is only a hit because people are lazy. It’s fun right off because it requires no practice to be good at the easy and medium level. The song still sounds exactly the same as if you were an expert. But, the hard and expert level actually require practice to get good at and pass. If I’m going to practice, I’m gonna do it on the real thing so I feel like I’m accomplishing something.
Real cowbell requires hours of practice to get to even an intermediate level and you have to deal with sore, numb, and possibly bloody fingers, but you get something out of it…. learning to play a real instrument and actually learning music and music theory: like notes, how to read music, notes, chords, time signitures, keys, flats and sharps, picking, finger picking, tuning, tempo, and actually learning about WTF you’re simulating playing. Do half of you Beamz players even know what a fret is?
It’s also a lot cheaper too. Adding it all up, I’ve paid only about what it costs for a pack of Kools and a scratch-off lottery ticket. You also had to pay $600 for the system in addition to that. (And, honestly, other than the cowbell, wtf is the point of a Beamz?)
I suggest you pawn off your Beamz to a GameStop or something, and go purchase a real cowbell. I’ll even recommend a learner’s guide so you can teach yourself. Pick up the one’s from a guy named Mel Bay. They’re only about $6 each and teach 4 levels from basic to advanced.
I’m self-taught and you can check out a few videos I posted here: http://www.internet.gov
I’m by no means a great player and I’m not trying to say I am, but even if you can 5 star every song on Beamz, you still suck and can’t play a real instrument.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:46 am
By the looks of the people in the video, this product also does not fix
1.Male Pattern Baldness
2. Eye afflictions that require one to wear sunglasses in doors.
3. Being unattractive.
4. Being white.
5. Never getting laid.
sooo pretty much this is a product for people who have enough money, that they are already getting laid right? because if someone who doesn’t have the right money to leg spread ratio, bought this, it would be more likely to be used to provide nice background music to a star trek party or a D&D night.
Although if you dressed up as a wizard and played this thing to natives, it would be almost magical.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I was almost sold on the Beamz system, particularly in the video when it said it “MORE COW BELLS” then Ross pointed out that it does not cure erectile dysfunction and I said damn I guess I’ll have to figure out some else to send Gladstone for Christmas.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:35 am
actually, I think that looks pretty awesome I always wanted to ‘be a hero’ and inexplicably ‘MORE COWBELL’
April 10th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Man…if i played an invisible instrument, i could probably nail twice as many invisible women as i do already
April 10th, 2008 at 11:07 am
You know why this is lame? Everybody sounds great, they boast. To paraphrase Ladders.com, if everyone can play, nobody wins.
No thanks, Sharper Image, I’ll just stick with my theremin lessons and dream of greatness.