At the Cannes film festival this weekend, when asked about the possibility of doing a 5th installment of the Indiana Jones franchise, George Lucas replied that he’d first have to come up with “an object for Indiana to seek.” That he made no mention at all to the rapid deterioration of Harrison Ford’s face suggests to me that Lucas is already planning on replacing Ford entirely with digital technology, if not some elaborate scheme involving a ruse and a carbonite chamber.
Anyways, seeing as Lucas is probably a fan of this blog (hey, if it’s good enough for you…), I’ve decided to use my advanced knowledge of mythology and Wikipedia to compile a list of likely MacGuffin’s for Indy to chase after the fifth time around:
The Pendulous Swingers of Kranak
The Sumerians worshiped Kranak, who was the God of all things that dangle and sway. Note to GL: Think of the potential for boobytraps.
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The Duellist of Lemuria
Due to their isolated nature, certain island cultures in the South Pacific evolved with almost no contact with outsiders, and consequently had little if any military development. Any disagreements were typically settled with the only true weapon nature gave them.
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The Plinth of Impos
The Corinthians worshipped at the foot of Impos, who legend has it, got pretty seriously into the ambrosia once while on an blind date with a mortal woman. This plinth is said to bestow “a great and burning tiredness and indifference” on all that set eyes on it.
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The War-Mount of Tamerlane.
This is a statue of the stallion that the warlord Timur (Tamerlane) was said to have rode into battle while conquering much of Central Asia. At the famed battle of Herat, it’s said that the Persian forces were routed when at a critical moment in the battle, Timur’s mount fucked the shit out of a car.
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The Penis-Beast of the Song Dynasty
The Song Dynasty was marked by a dramatic increase in the population of mainland China. Rulers at the time believed this to be the result of this statue, a gift bestowed on them by a traveling vendor of idle novelties.
In present times it’s rumored that this statue grants the holder the ability to stop any conversation.
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The Tomb of the Unknown Tripod.
Pirate king Xiang-Ye terrorized the coastal regions of China in the 1300’s. It was said that amongst his crew was a warrior so fierce, that during an encounter where he was unarmed and surrounded by a dozen foes, he manged to dispatch his enemies with such brutal efficiency “that they were unable to look each other in the eye for many turnings of the moon.”
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The Lost Tanuki
Tanuki’s are fabled Japanese creatures similar to raccoons. Scrolls dating from the 15th century tell of a warlord who kept a pet Tanuki, which had the ability to bestow terrible nightmares upon anyone by merely walking over their face while they slept.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
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December 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Tanukis aren’t similar to raccoons. They just look like raccoons. It’s called convergent evolution. Their name in English is raccoon dog. Keyword: DOG. They’re canines.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] with Cracked readers, and I sort of backed away from that for awhile, turning my attention towards loftier journalistic pursuits. Well, those days are over, because fuck you guys, I’m writing about the [...]
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
OMG! I found so many hot sexy vids @@P l u s M e e t . c o m, where so many big boob women, big booty women and big handsome men mingle and seek love together.
June 1st, 2008 at 1:42 am
I’m actually getting some stone action going on over here right now! HAWT pics!
http://www.NeilsNotes.com
May 31st, 2008 at 9:42 pm
holy s**t chest-dick man
May 31st, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Have you ever found true love at http://www.muslimloving.com ? It is a interesting and funny place to singles who are seeking for true love and friends online.
May 31st, 2008 at 1:48 pm
DICKS EVERYWHERE
I have no idea what to make of the cock monster. Seriously. My brain just stopped.
May 31st, 2008 at 11:59 am
Who cares about Indiana Jones? Our generation has National Treasure, and it’s way better. Hollywood should focus on a third National Treasure and the rest of Indiana Jones can go straight to video, VHS for the old-timers who still love that dead horse.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
If Indiana Jones is looking for big dicks, he can just stay in Hollywood and save the globetrotting.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Pom Poko was actually “lowlighted” on here a while back. As I see no tags for “magical raccoon testicles” I have no proof, but if you even know what the show is, you don’t need any more.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
The tanuki gives nightmares just by walking over a persons face?
Hmmm…
Would the giant scrotum being dragged acorss ones face have anything to do with it, I wonder?
May 30th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Has anyone ever seen the animated film Pom Poko? It’s about a clan of tanukis who are trying to save their homeland from being destroyed by land developers. Guess what they fight the humans off with:
Their balls.
No joke.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Kudos to the Mario 3 game for including Tanukis. Especially since, according to legend, all of a tanuki’s magic is in his balls.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I don’t think Indy will be looking for any of these; the fifth one is almost certainly going to have Shia LeBeouf in it again, and he’s already the biggest dick on Earth.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
UHURU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May 30th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
You know what this article needed? More penises.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Aint nothin’, but a DICK thing.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:02 am
@ I’m 12 years old Says:
May 30th, 2008 at 7:20 am
It’s funny because there are a lot of penises.
Yeah, I’m fourty and its funny because there are a lot of penises
May 30th, 2008 at 8:44 am
My 11th grade english teracher told us the plural of penis is peni.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Maybe Indy could search for a plot in the 3 starwars prequels. That would take up 3 hours of movie time for sure.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:20 am
It’s funny because there are a lot of penises.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Wow, that little Oriental girl looks speechless! LOL.
JT
http://www.Privacy-Center.net
May 28th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
the new indie movie sucks all these dicks combined, as well as, ear fucking my nostalgia into submission. thanks Lucas for sticking your swollen ego into an almost unrenewable franchise.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
The bigblackconnect spambot is strangely topically appropriate this time around.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I’m surprised no one’s linked the helicockter into this movie plot yet.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Does sound kind of like a redneck trying to keep warm.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:28 am
“Burning tiredness?” That sounds like you’ve been using the Plinth wrong.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Three things:
I’d hate to get teabagged by that first dude.
“This Plinth is said to bestow [A great and burning tiredness and indifference] on all who set eyes on it.” Sounds like the current political race to me.
You can totally tell that Asian chick in the 2nd to last picture wants it. Bad.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:21 am
Who wants to start the countdown until Cracked changes the title of this article to “The 7 objects that Indiana Jones might search for in the 5th movie”?
May 27th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
There are phallic symbols from antiquty still in everyday use today. The bird or the finger was actualy a Roman phallic fertily symbol. the Romans were big believers in penises had them hanging up everywhere.
May 27th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
And seriously, that bigblackwhatevever spam bot… it’s just not the same, I miss the tallmingle one.
May 27th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
The “Song” dynasty? I think you just got a typo, that’s a “D” that should be in there (or better yet, a “W”)
May 27th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
IF in fact there is a new Indiana Jones movie to come out, and IF in fact it involves penis, I sure hope it is starring HER.
May 27th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Oh, many pics or news related it in http://www.bigblackconnect.com/ They are so obvious.
May 27th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I have to say, the penis beast of the song dynasty gives a whole new meaning to “weiner dog.”
May 27th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Oh man, I see it before my eyes, While deftly avoiding The Pendulous Swingers of Kranak, Indy gets into a fight with The Duellist of Lemuria, but manages to beat him by making him look at The Plinth of Impos. Behold, the Tripod Pirate of Pirate king Xiang-Ye’s crew appears to, literally, fuck Indy’s shit up but gets trampled by Short Round (you heard, Short Round, fuck that Mutt motherfucker, man, that Shia dude can go suck cocks in hell) riding either The War-Mount of Tamerlane or The Penis-Beast of the Song Dynasty (which would be my choice, since they’re both from China). They are rewarded for their perilous trials by finding the total awesomesness that is the Lost Tanuki. Remember, you read it here first, cause Lucas is so going to steal this shit.
May 27th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Ignore, yes, rule out, no. Though I have to say, kudos on the article, Chris. I was particularly amused with the Penis Dog.
As well as the “rapid deterioration of Harrison Ford’s face” that caught me off guard. I didn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes.
May 27th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Because that would be too obvious…I think Bucholz was going for something for more subtle. BTW George Lucas would be ridiculously retarded to ignore these suggestions.
May 27th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Why not just insert something like “Penissy Penis, the Obsidian Penis of Penis, The Penis God of Penises”?
May 27th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
It’d have created some very unique movements that’s for sure.
May 27th, 2008 at 10:14 am
If the Tanuki suit in Mario 3 were more accurate, it would’ve given the game a whole new dimension of fun, donchathink?
May 27th, 2008 at 10:02 am
dicks, and more dicks