Baseless Indiana Jones 5 Speculation! Bonus: Penis!
At the Cannes film festival this weekend, when asked about the possibility of doing a 5th installment of the Indiana Jones franchise, George Lucas replied that he'd first have to come up with "an object for Indiana to seek." That he made no mention at all to the rapid deterioration of Harrison Ford's face suggests to me that Lucas is already planning on replacing Ford entirely with digital technology, if not some elaborate scheme involving a ruse and a carbonite chamber.
Anyways, seeing as Lucas is probably a fan of this blog (hey, if it's good enough for you...), I've decided to use my advanced knowledge of mythology and Wikipedia to compile a list of likely MacGuffin's for Indy to chase after the fifth time around:
The Pendulous Swingers of Kranak
The Sumerians worshiped Kranak, who was the God of all things that dangle and sway. Note to GL: Think of the potential for boobytraps.
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The Duellist of Lemuria
Due to their isolated nature, certain island cultures in the South Pacific evolved with almost no contact with outsiders, and consequently had little if any military development. Any disagreements were typically settled with the only true weapon nature gave them.
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The Plinth of Impos
The Corinthians worshipped at the foot of Impos, who legend has it, got pretty seriously into the ambrosia once while on an blind date with a mortal woman. This plinth is said to bestow "a great and burning tiredness and indifference" on all that set eyes on it.
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The War-Mount of Tamerlane.
This is a statue of the stallion that the warlord Timur (Tamerlane) was said to have rode into battle while conquering much of Central Asia. At the famed battle of Herat, it's said that the Persian forces were routed when at a critical moment in the battle, Timur's mount fucked the shit out of a car.
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The Penis-Beast of the Song Dynasty
The Song Dynasty was marked by a dramatic increase in the population of mainland China. Rulers at the time believed this to be the result of this statue, a gift bestowed on them by a traveling vendor of idle novelties.
In present times it's rumored that this statue grants the holder the ability to stop any conversation.
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The Tomb of the Unknown Tripod.
Pirate king Xiang-Ye terrorized the coastal regions of China in the 1300's. It was said that amongst his crew was a warrior so fierce, that during an encounter where he was unarmed and surrounded by a dozen foes, he manged to dispatch his enemies with such brutal efficiency "that they were unable to look each other in the eye for many turnings of the moon."
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The Lost Tanuki
Tanuki's are fabled Japanese creatures similar to raccoons. Scrolls dating from the 15th century tell of a warlord who kept a pet Tanuki, which had the ability to bestow terrible nightmares upon anyone by merely walking over their face while they slept.
ok, so the tanuki is a CANINE, fine, you win. here's a cookie for your efforts. "similar to a raccoon" could just mean it happens to resemble a raccoon (enough that imported cartoons featuring them found it easier to just call them raccoons in the subtitles and ignore the giant balls)... wait, "raccoon dog"? you wrote that it means "raccoon dog"... and it looks like a raccoon... um... how is it not at least similar to a raccoon?
ReplyThe word "raccoon" has now lost all meaning.
The look on that girl's face is priceless.
ReplyTanukis aren't similar to raccoons. They just look like raccoons. It's called convergent evolution. Their name in English is raccoon dog. Keyword: DOG. They're canines.
Reply"They aren't Similar, they just Look Alike."
^ Brilliance
Similar taxonomically, genius.
[...] with Cracked readers, and I sort of backed away from that for awhile, turning my attention towards loftier journalistic pursuits. Well, those days are over, because fuck you guys, I’m writing about the [...]
Replyholy s**t chest-dick man
ReplyDICKS EVERYWHERE
ReplyI have no idea what to make of the cock monster. Seriously. My brain just stopped.
Who cares about Indiana Jones? Our generation has National Treasure, and it's way better. Hollywood should focus on a third National Treasure and the rest of Indiana Jones can go straight to video, VHS for the old-timers who still love that dead horse.
ReplyIf Indiana Jones is looking for big dicks, he can just stay in Hollywood and save the globetrotting.
ReplyPom Poko was actually "lowlighted" on here a while back. As I see no tags for "magical raccoon testicles" I have no proof, but if you even know what the show is, you don't need any more.
ReplyThe tanuki gives nightmares just by walking over a persons face?
ReplyHmmm...
Would the giant scrotum being dragged acorss ones face have anything to do with it, I wonder?
Has anyone ever seen the animated film Pom Poko? It's about a clan of tanukis who are trying to save their homeland from being destroyed by land developers. Guess what they fight the humans off with:
ReplyTheir balls.
No joke.
Kudos to the Mario 3 game for including Tanukis. Especially since, according to legend, all of a tanuki's magic is in his balls.
ReplyI don't think Indy will be looking for any of these; the fifth one is almost certainly going to have Shia LeBeouf in it again, and he's already the biggest dick on Earth.
ReplyUHURU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyYou know what this article needed? More penises.
ReplyAint nothin', but a DICK thing.
Reply@ I'm 12 years old Says:
ReplyMay 30th, 2008 at 7:20 am
It’s funny because there are a lot of penises.
Yeah, I'm fourty and its funny because there are a lot of penises
My 11th grade english teracher told us the plural of penis is peni.
ReplyMaybe Indy could search for a plot in the 3 starwars prequels. That would take up 3 hours of movie time for sure.
ReplyIt's funny because there are a lot of penises.
Reply