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Baseless Indiana Jones 5 Speculation! Bonus: Penis!

At the Cannes film festival this weekend, when asked about the possibility of doing a 5th installment of the Indiana Jones franchise, George Lucas replied that he'd first have to come up with "an object for Indiana to seek." That he made no mention at all to the rapid deterioration of Harrison Ford's face suggests to me that Lucas is already planning on replacing Ford entirely with digital technology, if not some elaborate scheme involving a ruse and a carbonite chamber.

Anyways, seeing as Lucas is probably a fan of this blog (hey, if it's good enough for you...), I've decided to use my advanced knowledge of mythology and Wikipedia to compile a list of likely MacGuffin's for Indy to chase after the fifth time around:

The Pendulous Swingers of Kranak

The Sumerians worshiped Kranak, who was the God of all things that dangle and sway. Note to GL: Think of the potential for boobytraps.

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The Duellist of Lemuria

Due to their isolated nature, certain island cultures in the South Pacific evolved with almost no contact with outsiders, and consequently had little if any military development. Any disagreements were typically settled with the only true weapon nature gave them.

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The Plinth of Impos

The Corinthians worshipped at the foot of Impos, who legend has it, got pretty seriously into the ambrosia once while on an blind date with a mortal woman. This plinth is said to bestow "a great and burning tiredness and indifference" on all that set eyes on it.

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The War-Mount of Tamerlane.

This is a statue of the stallion that the warlord Timur (Tamerlane) was said to have rode into battle while conquering much of Central Asia. At the famed battle of Herat, it's said that the Persian forces were routed when at a critical moment in the battle, Timur's mount fucked the shit out of a car.

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The Penis-Beast of the Song Dynasty

The Song Dynasty was marked by a dramatic increase in the population of mainland China. Rulers at the time believed this to be the result of this statue, a gift bestowed on them by a traveling vendor of idle novelties.

In present times it's rumored that this statue grants the holder the ability to stop any conversation.

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The Tomb of the Unknown Tripod.

Pirate king Xiang-Ye terrorized the coastal regions of China in the 1300's. It was said that amongst his crew was a warrior so fierce, that during an encounter where he was unarmed and surrounded by a dozen foes, he manged to dispatch his enemies with such brutal efficiency "that they were unable to look each other in the eye for many turnings of the moon."

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The Lost Tanuki

Tanuki's are fabled Japanese creatures similar to raccoons. Scrolls dating from the 15th century tell of a warlord who kept a pet Tanuki, which had the ability to bestow terrible nightmares upon anyone by merely walking over their face while they slept.

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Chris Bucholz

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